Spicing Things Up: Sex, Intimacy, and Reigniting Desire with Sexologist Tania Hudson

In this episode of Wham Bam Thank You Pam, Pam is joined by Tania Hudson, a sex and intimacy coach and sexologist from California. Tanya discusses helping individuals and couples with everything from sexual dysfunction to exploring kinks and enhancing intimacy. They talk about the importance of communication in relationships, the role of shame in sexual issues, and how mismatched libido can affect couples. Tania shares her journey into the field, her trauma-informed approach, and how she helps clients reconnect and revitalize their sex lives.

Transcript

Speaker 1  1:15  
Welcome to wham bam. Thank you, Pam. I'm Pam Gaslow. Today's guest is a sex and intimacy coach and sexologist from California. Tania Hudson, Hi, Tania, hello. Thanks for coming on.

Speaker 2  1:31  
No thanks for the invite. Once I saw wham bam, Thank you, Pam, I was like, this is perfect.

Unknown Speaker  1:36  
This is right up your alley.

Speaker 1  1:41  
So I wanna, first of all, I found you through a friend of mine and a guy friend who's married, and when he told me he was seeing you, I was so intrigued. And I was like, Well, what do you talk about? And why are you going to her? And you know everything. And he gave me no answers. That's why I was like, Well, can you connect me with her? Because I have a lot of questions. So first of all, I people want to know, what is a sex and intimacy coach? What is a sexologist? So tell us exactly what that means. And you know the primary focus of what you do?

Speaker 2  2:22  
Sure, yeah, well, I see couples, and I see individuals, and also molecules as well. So more than two in a relationship anywhere, three plus on anything sex and intimacy related. So sexual dysfunction, couples, issues that come up so repair, or they just want hotter sex, or just ways to get closer and more intimate. Let's see kink and BDSM, that's actually one of my specialties. So they want to explore more of that. Body image is a real popular one. Dating is another one. Whether they're just starting a date or they've been married, divorced, and they're back in the game, and they need help with that. So it's quite a range of things, but most.

Speaker 1  3:13  
Like, do you start with virgins? Like, do you actually have any people that are virgins come to you? Do I don't think I've had a virgin.

Speaker 2  3:21  
No, I've had some pretty newbies in the game, but I don't think I've had any virgins yet.

Speaker 1  3:27  
Okay, so this is, it's very interesting tip that you run like, this whole gamut. So before we get into more of that, what? What made you want to get into this kind of work? Yeah, everybody asks me that

Speaker 2  3:39  
that's, like, the most common question I get my personal life actually, when I was going through my divorce, and then the older I got, the more people my life were getting divorces around me. And sex became such a big theme, a big issue in a lot of couples and a lot of marriages. And I'd always say, it sounds like you should go, like, to sex therapy or something. They're like, No, you know, our therapist says it's communication. And the therapist I went to with my ex actually two exes, sex was not something they were comfortable talking about. And for couples counseling, I thought, well, this is kind of a big deal. Why would you not cover sex, and they were very uncomfortable, and it looked like they brought in their own shame and judgment around it. And so the ways I viewed it wasn't the same way that therapists viewed it. So they just kind of shut it down. And I thought that was really unfortunate, because it did rip our marriage apart, my marriage apart, and some others that I knew, and I

Speaker 1  4:45  
That's, yeah, that was interesting. So you were like, I need there need to be more people that focus on this

Speaker 2  4:52  
without judgment or shame. And that's another thing that's a common issue that I see. Doesn't matter how old you are, how long you've been practicing. Just saying people have all this shame that they bring into it.

Speaker 1  5:05  
What so? Okay, when? So this wasn't just you as your friends, because I was going to say when you told your friends and family you were doing this, like, what was their reaction?

Speaker 2  5:15  
Families still, like, uncomfortable around it. I have, like, this old school, Middle Eastern family. So they are still not used to it, and they probably never will be. That's okay, it's it's and, but they're so used to me and my personality. They're

Speaker 1  5:32  
my family. I think they've been embarrassed about me at times, and that's okay, like more than once, but Well, when

Speaker 2  5:41  
you then you get it. So it's just they're so awkward about it, but my friends think it's really fun and,

Speaker 1  5:47  
and I'm like, How long have you How long have you been doing this, two years? Oh, you're new, okay, yeah. And what kind of training like did you have to go through?

Speaker 2  5:57  
Yes, so I went through a certification program for sexology, went through a trauma summit certification. Yeah, I read

Speaker 1  6:06  
that in your in your bio. So what is the when you say trauma, explain what that means. I'm assuming that means people that have have been sexually assaulted or raped, or something

Speaker 2  6:16  
or trauma is so many things. It's it could be something super small to really big, and sexual trauma is definitely one of them, and that's on the bigger scale. But almost everybody's had some type of trauma, whatever level it is. And it's funny, because trauma informed is like industry standard, but we're really the way I was trained my program. We're all trauma empowered. So we a lot of trauma turns into people's kinks, and so we celebrate that, and we we congratulate it, and we welcome it, and we don't make them feel shamed about their trauma and why they have their kinks, right?

Speaker 1  7:02  
That's awesome. What? So, what are some, what are, like, the primary reasons that someone can come to you for help? Like, what are the most common? Obviously, like, BDSM, like, that's not as common, but maybe it is for you, because that's what one of your, you know, you specialize in talking to people about that. But what? What are the, you know,

Speaker 2  7:23  
primary, I would say premature ejaculation, eretile dysfunction, are the most common things that I see. And low libido,

Unknown Speaker  7:34  
um and mismatch libido as well.

Speaker 1  7:36  
Let's talk about that. So I mismatch libido. So I always think about when people say, you know, couples that have been together for a long time. And let's say they you know when the spark is gone. And you know, you always over the years, from so many different places, like, Oh, you have to spice it up. And, you know, you have to, you know, do things and like, in my mind, and maybe I'm so black and white, and this is just me, like, I think, and I can't wait for you to correct me, because, you know, so this is why people come to you like, I'm so fearless. I just think, like, once the spark is gone, like the relationship's over. And I know that's probably like, you know, not like, oh, let's just throw everything in the garbage. But I just, for me, I feel like, once it's gone, it's not coming back. And so talk about that, because I'm sure you've dealt with plenty of people that are like, I'm bored. I'm over it, you know, I don't get turned on by this person anymore. There's so many things like, they don't try. They're not putting in an effort, you know? And we've all been there where it's just like, I just need to be with somebody else, because this isn't working. So tell me, like, what? What would you tell what do you tell people like that?

Speaker 2  9:00  
There are so many options, so many options. And there have been relationships that have been revitalized, you know, well into their 50s and 60s. I mean, there's a woman that she didn't even have her first orgasm until she was 67 I believe the ones is that,

Unknown Speaker  9:16  
like in the Guinness Book of World Records,

Speaker 2  9:20  
anybody will admit, but it's, it's like this whole new life, you know, once they get the sex coaching. But when it comes to couples of mismatch libido or low libido, it truly comes down to your core desires. And when we're younger and our sex drive is really high. You could just have sex all day.

Speaker 1  9:42  
Just look at somebody and you're like, turned on. Yes, exactly. And men don't seem to realize when you get older, like, like, just looking at me I'm doesn't turn me on. I mean, it can, but like, that's gonna go out the window pretty fast. Yeah. Really, really, really high. Lot. So yeah,

Speaker 2  10:00  
so everybody has their core desire. So whatever your coronavis, it could be certain kinks, and it could be certain ways that you like to be pleased, and you probably never communicated, or maybe you don't even know exactly how to communicate it. But once people figure out what it is, whether they want to be really submissive or they want to be dominated, or they want to be worshiped, or they want to be degraded, and there are so many levels of it that once their partner understands what it is they want, then they're really getting turned on. And then it goes from low libido to hottest sex they've ever had.

Speaker 1  10:36  
That's cool. I mean, that's very promising and hopeful.

Speaker 2  10:39  
It is promising. It is, it's, it's very hopeful. And there are some that just don't work. That's what I was going to ask you. Yeah, yeah. And, and they can also see a sex coach to uncouple, you know, in a best way possible. If that works, yeah, it's, it's a wonderful way to approach it, where people are not as hurtful and resentful as possible,

Speaker 1  11:00  
right, right? So walk us through a session with you. So you also you do virtual and you do in person, correct? Okay, so what would it that's interesting now, because that's obviously like a newer you knew, a newer thing to do, and I would think sex therapy virtually is just a little bit weird, but I don't know, but I guess a lot of it is talking and communicating, so it's not so, how is it different, you know, doing a virtual session with a couple, as opposed to, you know, doing in person. And what's it like? So, like, okay, me and my boyfriend that I don't have come to you and we're like, okay, like, you know, I'm just like, not into this anymore. And how can you help us? And what should we do?

Speaker 2  11:52  
Sure? Well, Pam, how do you like to feel when you have sex?

Unknown Speaker  11:55  
Why do you have to do this to me right now?

Speaker 3  11:58  
You want to walk through a session. I like

Speaker 1  12:01  
to feel wanted. I like to feel special. I like to feel like I have somebody's full attention and that they want to please me.

Speaker 2  12:11  
Okay, so you want to feel desired, you want to feel a little bit of worship, maybe, yeah, of course. Okay. And so, how much foreplay Are you getting with your partner, right? Partner, right? Or with anybody when you do have sex, how much foreplay time do you have? And do you feel the desire? Do you feel the worship, the want, the full attention on you? Right?

Speaker 1  12:38  
Okay, sometimes not all the time. Okay,

Unknown Speaker  12:43  
now, what do we do and then not

Speaker 1  12:45  
all the time? Now you turn to the partner, and you're like,

Speaker 3  12:49  
No, we're still talking to you, talking to me, yeah. And how do you

Unknown Speaker  12:54  
get myself in this situation? There you go. How do

Speaker 2  12:56  
you make yourself feel wanted and desirable, you

Speaker 1  13:00  
know, how do I make myself

Speaker 2  13:04  
How do you get your needs met? Yeah? Um,

Speaker 1  13:07  
yeah. Well, I guess you I mean, hopefully I would think that it's just everything is reciprocated, but in a perfect world, it isn't, and sometimes it's more one sided, and sometimes, you know, people are selfish, and for me, like, I might be getting off topic, but like, I like things to be equal and but like, I feed off another person. So if, like, you're not giving me anything, I'm probably not going to give you much back. And I think that's just, you know, just being human, you know, like, ideally, you want the same feeling of passion and desire from the other person. Because, you know, it takes two, and it's, you know, you could be one person. You could be with one person. They could say, oh, like, she was great in bed, and because, like, I was so into that person, and so attract, and we were so connected, and then you could be with someone else who's like, Oh, that wasn't that good. And it makes me laugh, because it's like, well, you know, I'm only going to be as good as you are. So you know, we could have two different experiences, and you you have a different experience with every person you're with. So you know, it's just and everyone's different. And you know, I find, I find that interesting, but you know, it's not always amazing, and it's not always a perfect connection. And that's, you know, can be difficult.

Speaker 2  14:27  
Do you want it to be amazing always? Yeah, when's the last time you communicated to a partner? How you like to be pleasured?

Speaker 1  14:36  
Um, I do communicate. I think sometimes people don't listen. And when I say partner, this isn't like, you know, love of my life, yeah, so, you know, I sometimes feel like you expecting things from people that you know can only give you so much. Is that's on me. Yeah? No, this isn't, these aren't life partners. These aren't, you know, they're lovers, and that's fine. Yeah, it is, you know what it is, what it is like, we're not, I'm not a, you know, committing to a lifetime of something like that. No, you don't have to, no, right? Nor would I. I remember, I was with this guy once, and he was like, Oh, he complained. He was like, all you want to do is have sex. I'm like, wow, that's terrible. Like, literally shamed me for that, and it made me feel bad. And I remember he would only want to have sex at night. And I remember I complained to my sister in law, and I said, Yeah, he only wants to have sex at night. And she's like, well, that's what most people do. And I'm like, Well, I'm not most people and just that little thing. And you know, there were other issues. But I'm like, Yeah, I'm not signing up for a lifetime for the of this. Yeah, yeah. Did

Speaker 2  15:57  
you ever ask him how he wanted to be pleasured and what trends are on.

Speaker 1  16:02  
I did not, and because I knew the relationship was going to end for other reasons. So I was like, it's not worth investing and talking about that. And I just felt like we were mismatched in in bed and out of bed. So it's just like, wasn't worth the effort or the time. So, you know, so when you have, when you do in person sessions, I'm just going to stick with couples. And I think it's really interesting that you do three, you know, throuples, whatever they are, what's the most amount of people you see at once? Three? Okay, I

Unknown Speaker  16:35  
can't number

Unknown Speaker  16:36  
it after that. Yeah, I'm

Unknown Speaker  16:39  
always outnumbered,

Speaker 1  16:40  
right? That's funny. So when you do in person, are you talking first to them and then, is there actual, like, touching, or do you watch them like, it's very interesting to understand this. Yeah,

Speaker 2  16:51  
there's a lot of touch within everybody's boundaries. So there's definitely conversations. So basically, what brought them to me, what they're hoping to achieve, what their goals are, and then the more they talk, the more things come up. And if the relationship needs repair, which I think of almost every relationship does, even if it's been like six weeks together or 16 years together, a little bit of repair is usually done, and help navigate between the two of them, how to communicate it, how to touch each other, how to do some so certain exercises. There are certain eye gazes, there are certain ways to hold each other, or dance together, or just all different types of experiential exercises, depending on what they need, but there is a lot of touch. And there's also me touching them as well with everybody's permission. And that's the somatic part about what I do, because it's all in the body.

Unknown Speaker  17:51  
So interesting.

Unknown Speaker  17:57  
I already said that, so

Unknown Speaker  18:00  
and there is the DOM sub BDSM aspect,

Unknown Speaker  18:02  
yes, interesting that they also like

Speaker 2  18:05  
to learn. So then I teach them how to help guide them into their role. So a lot of times they'll want to be a sub or a DOM, and if they want both, then we learn how to take turns and how to please each other in the way they want to meet their core desires, or if they want to want to be a sub, one that wants to be a DOM, which is perfect. I love it. We discover that. And then I teach them and help them how to be a dominant and how to be a submissive. And sometimes using tools as well.

Speaker 1  18:36  
What do you mean? Tools like bloggers, some tools always to me, like those things, other things I once left, like a I like a whip or a paddle, like next to the bed, when this guy was coming over and, like, the bedside, and, like, he just looked at it and did nothing. I was like, okay, he's not into

Speaker 3  18:59  
this, you know, should have done it on him next time.

Speaker 1  19:05  
So I want to talk about an interesting topic. Let's talk about alcohol and sex. Sure, I don't drink. I'm sober, but when I was younger, alcohol and sex, like went hand in hand. And when I say younger, I mean a really long time ago, like in my early 20s, and you know, it makes you more confident, it makes you liberated, and you have no inhibitions. And, you know, for some people, that's good, and for me it was like, not good, like it was good and bad, you know, when it crosses the line. But I feel like it's like, lately, you know, all you hear a lot of people aren't drinking so much anymore, yeah, which is interesting. And, I mean, I know people who have, like, never had sex sober, which I understand, because I think alcohol is a crutch, and I think people are uncomfortable. And. And insecure, and they use it to, you know, gain confidence. And I totally understand that, but I feel like, at a certain point, you know, when you know you're going to be in a long term relationship. I remember when I was in my 20s, and I was dating this guy, and I one day I realized I was like, wait, I'm always drunk when I'm with him, and I'm always drunk when we have sex. And, like, what if I marry him? Like, do I have to be drunk every single time? You know? Like, forever, like, and that's just like I found alarming. And, yeah, by the way, I didn't want to have sex with him when I wasn't drunk, you know, and it was terrible. But we didn't, we didn't stay together. But So how do you how do you feel about that? And and then I remember when I got sober, I was 26 when I got sober, and I was in therapy, and I was probably complaining about the boyfriend at the time, and I was like, Well, I just don't want to, you know, be with him, or I'm not attracted to him anymore. And the therapist said to me, Well, if you weren't sober, I'd tell you to have a glass of wine. I'm like, Well, I have so, like, now, what are you gonna tell me? So it's difficult. And what I learned was, Oh, my God. Like, I actually have to be, I actually have to like, like, the person I'm sleeping with, you know, now that I can't, you know,

Unknown Speaker  21:13  
what'd you say? I said, Do you though, I

Speaker 1  21:16  
mean, enough, I don't think I would be in love with them. But I realized I'm like, I don't have this barrier now, you know, I can't take the edge off. I can't put something in my body to make me, you know, be at ease and be comfortable. So I actually, like, for the first time, I was like, Well, I actually have to like them to a point I don't have to like, be in love with them. So that was interesting, but I'm just curious, like, with your patience, how, if that comes up, and what you know, tell me about your experience with with that, with alcohol and sex. Because for me, it was actually, you know, it became like dangerous, but, you know, I understand normal people that aren't, you know, in recovery do that.

Speaker 3  21:57  
Well, I don't know who's normal, but why? You know, I can try to strive for that, but not an alcoholic. You know,

Unknown Speaker  22:03  
I don't want to be normal. But anyway,

Speaker 2  22:07  
drugs and alcohol does come up. Actually, psychedelics is a big one too, right now, but it does come up. And the way I view it is, if you're letting your boundaries get crossed that you normally wouldn't if you were sober, then it's a problem. If you're unable to set boundaries, then that's when I would say, why don't we try a different way? But having a glass or two to relax, I don't see it as a problem, but if it is a problem, then it's a problem. And sometimes people will use psychedelics to have sex, and a lot of times that helps bring them closer. But if it's used too much, then it's okay. We're disassociating from our body, yeah, and being in it, head, body connected. That's the hard part for a lot of people.

Speaker 1  22:57  
That is, yeah, I mean, for me, as a sober woman, to be with somebody who is visibly I don't mind when men drink, but I don't want somebody who's like annihilated in a mess, because that's just a turn off to me. And the other thing is, so I don't mind if you drink, as long as I can't tell that you're drunk. I don't care if you seem okay. I'm fine with that, but I've been with people in my, you know, in sobriety, where I know they're fucked up and I feel like it upsets me because we're having two different experiences mentally, yeah, and I don't like that disconnect. So I, you know, if I can like to avoid that,

Speaker 2  23:39  
yeah. And that's the other thing. That's where the how do you like to feel during sex conversation? Like it's a good time to bring that up, because if you're comfortable and you feel safe with this person, then that conversation kind of can flow a little bit more organically. It's

Speaker 1  23:56  
hard, because I understand that people do want to do what they want to do, you know. And some people like, I want to smoke pop before sex. Like I, you know, it's so much better for me. And I'm like, Yeah, same, but I can't, you know, yeah. So, you know, it becomes, it becomes difficult, because I don't ever want to say to somebody, you can't do that. Or, you know, I prefer if you didn't. And it's hard, because they want to have the experience that they want to have. And I don't want to be like, a downer, like, Oh, please don't smoke pot before we have sex, because, like, I can't,

Speaker 2  24:32  
yeah, yeah. And if you're getting orgasms, then, right?

Speaker 1  24:36  
I'm like, at the end of the day, exactly, exactly. And I'm like, so it's, you know, that's, it's an interesting topic, like I said, because I know people have literally never had sex sober, and I'm having sex sober, all that, you know, when I have sex, it's sober and it's, you know. So it's like, pick and choose, like, I'm not, you know, going home with, like, somebody who is wasted and like, not going to remember, and, you know, falling over. That's also. Was a huge turn off.

Unknown Speaker  25:01  
Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1  25:04  
The other thing I wanted to talk about was sex addicts. Sex addiction people do a lot of people that come to you, do you think they fall into that category? Or, you know, have

Unknown Speaker  25:19  
a different view on that?

Speaker 1  25:20  
Okay, do you think that's even a thing like, do you, you know, sure,

Speaker 2  25:24  
any addiction? Sure, porn addiction, sex addiction, I think it's a little bit overused and quick to put a label on a person because they cheated, so they're a sex addict. I don't think it's necessarily that easy. When it's an addiction, it interrupts your life. You can't function, you can't go to work, you can't be a parent, you can't go to school. It's becoming too much, and it's affecting your life. Then it's an addiction. If you're masturbating every day, or you want to have sex every day or twice a day, or you're watching porn every day, and you're still able to do your job and be a family man or be a family woman, or whatever it is. That's not an addiction. Yeah, that's someone who's looking to get their core desires met, and they're not getting their core desires met

Unknown Speaker  26:16  
outside, yeah, before or outside of that,

Speaker 1  26:20  
I remember, this is just a funny line, because I was so young when I was like, like, even before I was 20, I had therapists who wanted to send me to, like, a sex rehab for, like, sex addiction. And I was like, why don't you just shoot me? Okay, like, just take the one thing I like, away from me, send me to prison for it, and just, just take me out. And I remember I was talking, yeah, they wanted to send me, like the meadows, I think this. I was so young, and I went to, I was talking to one therapist, and she said, I said something like, she's like, well, no one ever died from lack of sex. And I was like, Well, someone has to be the first. Like, I was such a mess. I'm sure someone has. I definitely so I love that line and

Unknown Speaker  27:18  
so good. What is,

Speaker 1  27:22  
what are some things that people come to you about that they are just like, too embarrassed to ask or, you know, what's like, a big, a big thing that people, yeah, are just embarrassed about.

Speaker 2  27:36  
A lot of men have premature ejaculation. Is actually the number one sexual dysfunction with men. Unfortunately, there's not allowed much out there for them. You hear mostly the ED pills, but you don't really hear anything about premature ejaculation. Yeah, so they're likely to suffer in silence and they don't want to talk about it, or they're embarrassed to talk about it. Or when they have sex and they come really fast, they're so embarrassed, they just want to leave, and then the woman's like, what the hell you know what's going on? That is something that a lot of people have shame about, and it's the most common sexual dysfunction, right? Which is a big deal. And

Speaker 1  28:16  
so I thought when, when that happens, you just like, break up with the person. No,

Unknown Speaker  28:21  
no, no,

Speaker 1  28:25  
listen to me. I'm throwing everyone right out the door. I came too fast. Goodbye. I'm not talking anymore. Goodbye. You wonder why I'm single, right? It's shocking.

Speaker 2  28:34  
No, listen, it's sing. Being single is a lot of fun.

Speaker 1  28:39  
It can be, but not in Florida. And you know, I'm gonna come visit you. Dating, yes, why

Unknown Speaker  28:53  
dating? Just don't

Speaker 2  28:55  
Oh, I love dating. I love the process. I really do.

Unknown Speaker  28:59  
I hate it.

Speaker 2  29:02  
It's how you look at it. I mean, people will get on the apps and they're like, I'm gonna find my husband and my wife on here. And it's like,

Speaker 1  29:09  
precious. I hope I don't hate everyone. That's how I look at it. I hope that there's someone I don't hate. And people are like, I have hope to get married. I'm like, well, good luck.

Speaker 2  29:21  
Yeah. I mean, exactly. We all have our different reasons, but it's a lot of pressure. And I think when you look at in a different way, I like the window shopping term, you know, let's see. Let's try this on. Let's give this a whirl. And maybe it works, maybe it doesn't, and then just

Speaker 1  29:38  
in a fantasy land, that would be great, like, if it was like, you know, do you, how do you feel about marriage? I know you you were, I don't know if you are married, or you said you were married. How do you feel about marriage, and what's your what's your advice on that people like, I never wanted to get married, or I never cared about it, because. Because my I come from, my parents are divorced, and I grew up in the 80s when everybody's parents got divorced, so I didn't think marriage worked. And also, I just don't understand why you want to, like, legally tie yourself to another human being, what, especially when you're so young and you don't know what you're going to want to do and how you're going to change in life and how are you going to evolve? And like, like, why does the government have to be involved? Like, I don't understand. And, you know, like, I want to be happy not married, you know, I want to be with somebody who I really love and care about. And I feel like, if two people are committed to each other, you're committed. I don't need to sign a piece of paper and go in front of a court. I don't even know so, but it also used to, like, scare the hell out of me. You know, I was in the sex store the other day, and it said there was a bag for, like, a bachelorette party, and it said one penis for the rest of your life, or same penis for the rest of your life. And, like, that's how I looked at marriage, and it actually terrified me. I'm like, so this is the person. I can only have sex with this person until I die. Like that. And it's a fucked up way of looking at it, but it's also not, and I don't think there's any right answer, but what's your you know, like one part, like, we're not meant to be monogamous. We're not men. At 2528 30, like, Oh, I'm only gonna have sex with you until I die. Like, that's insane to me. But I mean, yeah, then there's open marriages and open relationships. And I know there's all kinds of ways to go around that, and that's a whole other topic. But how do you feel about this?

Speaker 2  31:34  
So what I feel about marriage is whatever the fuck you

Unknown Speaker  31:37  
want it to be. So great answer.

Speaker 2  31:41  
Because society, family, everyone tells you what should be and it's not what you want, then people feel a lot of shame for feeling differently than what society's been telling them, yeah, but some people want marriage and they want the security of that paper, and I understand, and that's great for them. Or they want monogamy. They really need monogamy to feel safe and secure, and which is wonderful. Some people don't want it, and that's wonderful too. Or some people don't want to have kids, that's wonderful too. It's whatever you want it to be. If you want to get in a relationship and you're like, I'm not meant to be monogamous, and you want to open up your relationship, to open up your relationship. There are many ways to design your relationship, but you design your relationship the way you want it to

Speaker 1  32:28  
be 100% I love that, and I feel like so many people, at least when I was younger, like my generation, people just felt like we have to get married, like, that's what you do. Yeah, I'm like, No, you don't. And it's just so much of it is just so tragic and like, the the the the rate at which people cheat and have affairs, and it's so, it's so common, and it's so, I don't know. It's just, it's all Yeah, and there's no right answer, because it's like, okay, so you're single and you want to do whatever you want, and then, like, I'm single, I get lonely. You don't want to be married. I don't want to be married to the wrong person. And I just always felt like marriage and me signing a piece of paper committing to another human for the rest of my life like that doesn't guarantee me anything. It doesn't guarantee that somebody loves me. It doesn't mean they're not going to cheat on me. It doesn't mean they're not going to leave me. Leave me. And I think, you know, realizing that it's just like, you know, I think it's just about finding a really good person that you if you're lucky, I feel like people that are in a happy, satisfying, like loving marriage, honestly, I feel like they're lucky. That's like, all I can say, because I don't have an answer. I don't know the right way. I don't, you know. I just, I think it's amazing. I wish I had it, but I think it's few and far between. And I think, you know, people are lonely on both sides of that fence.

Speaker 2  33:55  
Yeah, yeah, it's true. I think being the best lover for yourself is what makes a happy relationship, being your best lover, if something I mean, it could be a relationship where you're not married and they could stop loving you. It could be relationship when you are married, they stop loving you too, but ultimately, being your best lover and loving yourself the most no matter what situation happens, because good and bad happens in every situation. That's what that's where the bounce back happens, and that's where the security and the confidence comes. And you're like, This is the type of relationship that best suits me. So if I want to be single and I don't want to be lonely, then I have my friend that comes over every Thursday or every Friday, and that is the relationship design that I want, and that's how I get my orgasms, and I really enjoy it, and that's I feel fulfilled. I feel

Speaker 1  34:48  
like that's been my motto for a very long time. Thank you. How did you know that it's kind of good? I have to say, well, you have a lover, you have your friends, you have your. Work, and it kind of all balances out. And, you know, yeah, but like you said, like, I love that, like, whatever works for you, and not feeling pressure from, you know, society or your friends or, you know, it's very easy for people to tell other people what to do. And, yeah, so, so where can people, or, I don't know if you want people to find you. What's your address?

Speaker 2  35:29  
My Well, my physical office is in Pleasanton, California. I'm in the Bay Area,

Speaker 1  35:33  
right from Miami. Is going to come find you there, unless

Speaker 2  35:37  
they want to fly out, they can come have an in person session. Some people actually from out of town will do all day workshops or a weekend workshops with me. So, oh, that's great. That's an actual possibility. But coaching with Tanya and I. My name is T, a n, i a.com and like we've talked about, I see people on zoom all the time. Awesome.

Speaker 1  35:57  
Okay, well, this has been great. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Speaker 2  36:03  
This was really fun. I love your openness too. I

Unknown Speaker  36:07  
mean, I can keep going all day, but

Unknown Speaker  36:11  
I'll do it again. All right, thank you, Tanya, Thank

Unknown Speaker  36:13  
you Pam, okay,

Speaker 1  36:18  
we can just talk now. Thank you so much. Oh, wait, yeah, but whatever, they'll cut it out.

Unknown Speaker  36:24  
No, it's good. How you feeling? Good?

Speaker 1  36:26  
I think it was good. I think it was fun. Okay, I'm like, I can talk about my sex life all day, but I.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai