The Other Half Podcast
The other half can be many things. Most of all it is your perspective, your narrative, your side of the story. We are here to hear the other half of the story.
The Other Half Podcast
Stepping Into Fatherhood & Self Employment
What happens when love meets unresolved trauma? This raw, unfiltered conversation explores the delicate journey of step-parenthood through the eyes of someone who's lived both sides of the story.
Tino shares his profound realization: "It's hard to come into a child's life when there's trauma that hasn't been unpacked." Having become a father to both younger children (who've known only him as their dad) and older children (who had established relationships elsewhere), he reveals the careful navigation required to build authentic connections. His caution wasn't about readiness but about consent – understanding whether the children were willing to accept him into their lives.
The conversation shifts into professional territory as both hosts discuss their service industry experiences. As a barber, Tino highlights how chronic lateness affects his livelihood, while Erika explains the domino effect of tardy clients in her waxing career. Their shared frustrations reveal a universal truth: respecting someone's time means respecting their ability to provide for their family.
Perhaps most powerful is their exploration of communication barriers in relationships. They acknowledge their growth over time, with Erika revealing how her professional training unexpectedly provided therapeutic breakthroughs in managing anxiety and confronting her tendency to "run when things get tough." Their candid discussion about misunderstandings demonstrates how different perspectives shape our interpretations of others' actions.
The episode concludes with a heartfelt reminder to extend grace to others, understanding that everyone carries hidden battles. Their journey reveals that successful blended families aren't built overnight but through consistent effort, communication, and the willingness to see beyond our own experiences.
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So it's hard to come into a child's life when there's trauma that has not been unpacked and that's why I didn't know the status of that trauma and that's why I was on reserve. It's not that I'm not ready, it's that I have to understand are they willing to accept me into their life? You know what I mean, because if they're not willing to accept me, that's going to be a challenge. This is another episode of the Other Half Podcast.
Speaker 3:Forget the name. No, come on man.
Speaker 1:Come on, man, we are back with another, another podcast and, uh, it feels like it's been a long time yep because we've had so much going on yeah, I don't remember why we didn't do a podcast. Well, I was sick yeah ava got real sick. I had to work a lot because everybody waited for me.
Speaker 3:And then, uh, what else I feel like there was something else I don't remember. No, I think I've just been busy and tired, honestly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's been a while I've been prepping myself for my week.
Speaker 3:My week was busy, yeah, but we'll go ahead and start out. You want to start with the card yeah, I was about to say that go ahead we got our ice breakers.
Speaker 1:Of course, power by hella awkward. Shout out hella awkward all right.
Speaker 3:so the card is ask each person how can I improve my relationship with you? So I'm to ask you this is a terrible question.
Speaker 1:It's not. Why did you pick this?
Speaker 3:Because all the other ones were kind of not applicable to us.
Speaker 1:All right, go ahead.
Speaker 3:I just asked you and this is something you can ask your significant others too If you want to start arguments and that's what this is going to start your systemic and others too, if you want to start arguments, and that's what this is not you know what.
Speaker 1:You know what you could do I don't want to know actually I know you don't. You know what you could do. You know what you could do you're supposed to say what, what? You could be more affectionate. Some days I come home and I'm stressed out.
Speaker 3:I just need a hug you don't look very approachable when you come home.
Speaker 1:So, so, you don't look approachable ever.
Speaker 3:That is not true.
Speaker 1:Okay, a lot of times.
Speaker 3:No, a good amount.
Speaker 1:Maybe we have the same wants. You ever think about that? No, because there's times where I initiated and you were like it was a little awkward. So, yeah, you know how long it's been since I got a hook from you over a week. Yeah, you're gonna make me choke. You think it's been since I got a hook from you Over a week.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're going to make me choke.
Speaker 1:You think it's funny, you're counting. Yes, yes, it's been over a week. I know you're not all affectionate.
Speaker 3:It's not even that.
Speaker 1:That's what it is.
Speaker 3:No, it's not. It depends on my mood. I told you this already. Okay, but going into that, I just think sometimes people in relationships forget that you're not the only person feeling that way. You're not the only person feeling exhausted. You're not the only person feeling like you had a rough day. We don't know what each other just went through that day, you have no idea. But when you're only, you're the one that risks like expecting it, but then you don't get it too. It doesn't work that way. I think communication could be better, but I hear you. I honestly. If so, can I answer that?
Speaker 1:Okay, go ahead, go ahead. What's the?
Speaker 3:question again what could I improve? What?
Speaker 1:could I improve?
Speaker 3:Erica.
Speaker 1:Go ahead, don't be quiet now.
Speaker 2:No, I'm trying to think. You asked, ask this question so you had extra time to think actually do have to think on this one no, you.
Speaker 1:You should have an answer by now I really have to think.
Speaker 3:I'm really trying to think is it that hard?
Speaker 1:I know I'm great, I know I'm just that great.
Speaker 3:But okay, yeah, you could improve on like there we go on kind of thinking outside of yourself sometimes because I think, especially as a man, you're always feeling like, well, I had a, like I go through a lot as a man and like sometimes I don't think that you're sympathetic to like, well, I go through a lot as a man and sometimes I don't think that you're sympathetic to me as a woman and what I have to deal with every day and they kind of talked about it at church Me trying to battle being a mom, a wife, keep my home in order and clean, be a great performer at work and make them satisfied. Like you don't really have anybody to make satisfied at work, I do. It's a lot of pressure, what you have, clients, but think about it, mine's double, mine's clients or guests corporate, corporate, my manager, my other manager.
Speaker 3:I have pressure every single day. It feels so heavy sometimes that that's why, like sometimes, I just don't. I don't know how to leave it at work, but then I come home and it's like I got I have to keep performing, keep performing. It's exhausting, so maybe that's why I don't always seem so affectionate. But I'm dealing with a lot too that I have to learn how to balance, and I wasn't, like I said, I don't really know sometimes how to do that, so I'm not always going to be, or maybe it's like I'm really just going through it. It's not just a one day thing, it's not an every once in a while thing.
Speaker 1:Is that right?
Speaker 3:So I want to sympathize with you, but then I'm also feeling it too and I feel like it's like double what you, what you have to deal with.
Speaker 1:Why is it double?
Speaker 3:I just explained that to you.
Speaker 1:No, you didn't.
Speaker 3:I have a huge responsibility at work. It's a lot, it's heavy, it's draining. I guess, Okay, so more affectionate.
Speaker 1:That's it. So more, more, what's the word? There's a word for what you said. What's the word? There's a word for what you said. What's the word? More um, I can't think of the word I don't know what you're trying to say. More aware I guess yeah more aware I think a little more aware I think so Be a little more aware Anyways what's our topic today.
Speaker 3:Did we ever figure out an actual topic?
Speaker 1:I thought we were going to do the whole barbering pet piece Okay.
Speaker 3:So this is what I wanted to talk about on the podcast today, which I already sent to you. So I wanted to talk about you as a barber. I wanted to talk about you as a barber. I wanted to know. First of all, we already know that you love being a barber, that you love your job makes you so happy. That's like all a given. But as a barber, you never really tell people what your biggest pet peeves or the like obstacles that you face as a barber and a self-employed person.
Speaker 1:So I want to know I mean, I feel like most people in service industry deal with the same stuff. I think it's like my top pet peeves are, for For one, obviously, being on time. If you're late every single time, I've cut a lot of people off for that. I cut a dude off who lives next door to the building. He was late every single time there's being late or just not showing up, playing with my time, because when you're in the service industry, you don't get paid based off of. You don't get paid based off your time, you get paid based off of. Can you feel these spots? Can you feel this time slot?
Speaker 1:Stuff like that, and another one is I don't, I don't know it's, it's hard because there's certain haircuts where, like we don't want to do or people don't understand hair that's really what it is People don't understand hair. I'll pick someone's hair out and they'll pat it down with their hand after I just picked it out and it's like I did this for a reason. Like and you're messing that up already, Like what?
Speaker 3:are you doing? But yeah, people don't understand. Understanding the the craft.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and understanding that like, okay, I just picked your hair out for a reason, you put your hands through it that messed it all up. So either I can cut it how you just had it with your hands through it and it's going to be uneven or I can pick this hair out again, but that takes more time off the haircut. So those are my pet peeves as a barber.
Speaker 3:And then what about being like self-employed? Um do you have?
Speaker 1:I don't really have pet peeves being self-employed, uh, yeah. I don't have any have you noticed any pet peeves in your line of service?
Speaker 3:Yeah, mine is the being on time. Like where I work you can be nine minutes late. And like, say, you have a service coming in at eight. They can be nine minutes late, but you'll have another service coming in 15 minutes after that.
Speaker 2:Dang, so you so forth four minutes.
Speaker 3:So then, instead of having 15 minutes to do your brazilian, I'm gonna have four minutes, which runs into the next appointment. And like for me, honestly, I really think people, I wish people understood that I understand. If you're not doing like that service or you're not in that industry, you're not gonna get it. But like we're telling you, like people really need to be more aware of being respectful of people's time, because somebody once told me it's like would you like it if your check was late? No, you know. So, just like, treat people with respect when it comes to stuff like that, because you are literally making every other appointment late.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and people don't understand that Like everything behind you is getting pushed back because you're wanting to be irresponsible yeah late or whatever yeah, and I feel like I have more like I understand, like emergencies things come up, but like being just careless and constantly late, and I see it all the time. People are literally just walking, strolling in, nine minutes late and we still have to take them and they don't care.
Speaker 1:Yep, I think that's. That's the hard part about corporate. For sure, you still have to take them and all that and corporate is more quantity.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and they want to make the guests happy regardless.
Speaker 1:So I'm a bar. I don't care if you're happy or not. For real.
Speaker 3:Yeah, guess, happy regardless. So yeah, I'm a barber, I don't care if you're happy or not. For real, yeah, I wouldn't tolerate that if I was on my own, but it also. It also goes into, like, if you are, you know, a hairstylist, a nail tech, a lash tech, a barber, a waxer, like you need to be on time too, because if you're not on time, your clients are definitely not going to be on time, they're not going to respect your time. So you know, you can't also be a hypocrite, so yeah, I feel like when you're a barber.
Speaker 1:It's different, though, because if you late, that means I'm late on my next one.
Speaker 1:But that's everybody, though, like if I was, but it's no, it's like this If, let's say, I'm 15 minutes behind, cool Sit there, that's fine. If you're 15 minutes late, that's a problem. That's the difference, because I could be late based off of the client before you, and that's what a lot of clients it's a double. It's a double standard because we can be late, but a lot of times it's because either the person before you want something extra or I know it's a lot of barbers that do be late and yeah, they're just yeah, just not that's what they do, but for me it's usually the client before it's late or right, but that has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:No, I understand, or right, but that has nothing to do with you yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, no, I understand if I'm late, deal with it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, I'm just saying I've heard people like saying like they waited like 30 minutes after their appointment time and that kind of stuff, that's just disrespectful on your end. As a business owner, you need to get yourself together. But yeah, I feel like that's gonna be mine.
Speaker 1:Um, dang, are you ready to be self-employed? But?
Speaker 3:also, that's what I was just gonna say next I feel like, honestly, watching you, though, has kind of scared me, because I'm gonna tell you why. I feel like we've talked about this before. I feel feel like I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to either really want to go on my way, so I don't have to deal with the corporate side or Am I making you tired or I'm going to not want to go on my own and I'm going to want to stay where you know clients are coming in no matter what most of the time. But what really scares me is like, when they don't show up and you're on your own, you don't make any money, at least where, like I'm at, I still get paid hourly yeah so that's like security for me, and I've talked to you about this before, but it's really something that does concern me.
Speaker 3:For me, like I don't think I would want to be in that position where, like my life and my, my bills, my kids, food, anything is like being like it's based off people showing up. Yeah, I don't want to be in that predicament, like I watch you go through that sometimes and I just feel like that's not some, that that part scares me.
Speaker 1:It's not as bad as people make it seem. Well, I put people's card on file. So if you come to me, your card has to be on file in order for you to get a haircut. But also, if you build your clientele to where it's like oh, you're late, I can't get you, they'll start to respect that. But also I feel like if you have clients to where they got to put their card on file, they are more likely to show up. So, depending on how you carry your business, or how you do your business determines the client, the kind of client you're going to attract yeah, I feel like with like no shows and stuff, that part I get.
Speaker 3:But I mean like if I'm just not booked that day and I'm having a rough week and I am just like not, for some reason, people are not coming in. That's what I mean by like at least at my job I know I have, I'm still getting paid regardless. It's not gonna be as much, but I'm still getting hourly.
Speaker 1:So with with being self-employed, you are more likely to make way more money than on a bad day, than you would on a good day working for a corporate. That's when you got to really save though Don't be scared, you for sure got to save.
Speaker 3:For those rainy days.
Speaker 1:See what I mean? Yeah, but I mean you get when you're self employed. You know your seasons, you know it's gonna be a bad week or you know it's gonna be a good week nine times out of ten and that's based off the time of the year. And oh, last week was good, this week might be all right. Usually that happens, but you usually know, you always know the uh by the time of the year yeah we, we are our busy seat.
Speaker 1:Well, it's different for women yeah y'all I don't know y'all go through pain in y'all services. We don't. But for women I feel like it would be more consistent. For guys it's like I need a haircut, but it's not a priority. I need a haircut. We know Christmas time is going to be busy. The rest of the year can be all right. Usually January is slow because everyone spent all their money on Christmas gifts and all that.
Speaker 1:But after January you got tax season. So it's like a schedule for I mean, it's just like retail. It's basically the same schedule. So you know, you got kids going back to school, you got people going back to school, you got people going on vacations, all that yeah, they need services.
Speaker 3:So yeah, ours are always for like vacations and then summer coming up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but being self-employed is great to me.
Speaker 3:We'll see you have to be motivated.
Speaker 1:Being self-employed. That's the thing people don't get. And disciplined, you have to be super disciplined, you have to be motivated, you have to be inspired on your own and in so that you can actually do it. Because if you're, if you don't have any of those, you don't have self-motivation. It's gonna be hard, like I sat in the shop when I first moved here a lot of days and I didn't get paid. I got paid, I waited till six and that was my first haircut, yeah, so I feel like I could do it.
Speaker 3:I feel like it's like when I was in the shop only on Sundays and I sat there even though no one was coming in, but like that's what I would do. It was so fun, it was fine. I got to, I just learned, I did my practice, my strips, watch videos. But it's better to be there and you never know than to be, you know, not there and then you get nothing. So but okay, yeah, that's what I wanted to know. So just the timing and everything that's your pet peeves.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I figured those are my pet peeves. I I don't really have more than that. Nope, I, when people book for a friend and their friend doesn't show up, I lost, I lost clients off of that One of my clients. I lost him but his brother still comes to me. I cut his brother yesterday and, yeah, that causes you to lose clients.
Speaker 3:Yeah, again, it goes with just like being not mindful.
Speaker 2:Respecting people's time, yeah.
Speaker 3:Cause that's like how people feed their families, facts, guys, like that's how they pay their bills, and I just think people forget that Facts Sometimes. But even like in the corporate world too, I feel like the same thing, like we depend on our tips. So when you don't show up, even though we're getting hourly, we're not getting the commission of the product.
Speaker 1:We're not getting the commission of the product, we're not getting our tips. Yeah, you know. But I feel like with corporate, you guys have like, I feel like in certain situations you guys have walk-ins and you guys have yeah newer people and someone's getting your clientele for you. When you're self-employed, all that is on you all of it.
Speaker 3:That's what I'm saying. I don't know if I want that world yet we'll see. Maybe it's for you, but I definitely don't want to be in corporate yeah, that's understandable no, it's, it's pretty bad.
Speaker 1:That's yeah not good okay all right, this is gonna be a lot about you you're saying all right, like this is gonna be something bad no, I'm gonna.
Speaker 3:So well, your mom had some questions for us too, so we're gonna be answering those now. This is gonna be a lot about avery, because people want to know.
Speaker 1:I don't like when it's a lot about me so you are a father.
Speaker 3:You're not only a husband, a business owner, social media guy, but you are also a father. It's something that you're super proud about, but some people may not know the background. Do you want to talk about it? I mean I have to now okay so do you want me to give a little bit of the background?
Speaker 1:I mean, I guess.
Speaker 3:Okay, so basically, avery and I do not have any biological children together.
Speaker 3:In case you guys don't know us. We met when Asia and April were one and two. April actually just turned one Shortly before I met him. And, as you know or if you don't know, like I've mentioned before in the other previous podcast, I do have three older children Romeo, who's 18, almost 19 in a couple days. Diamond's 17. Nyla's 14. 19 in a couple of days. Diamond 17,. Nilo's 14. Avery has taken on the role of being, you know, stepfather to the oldest three and father to Asian April. They are all that he knows Like. Again, he's been in their life since they were one and two and it was never anything. I don't feel you can correct me if I'm wrong Anything that was ever like forced on you.
Speaker 1:I don't know if anybody ever wonders that you said they're all that. I know I'm all that they know.
Speaker 3:I mean they're all that, yeah, you're all that, they know, yeah. So I think yeah, like when people see you out and stuff, I don't think anybody get like assumes otherwise a lot of people think april looks like you. It's. It's strange, um, but yeah, no. So, as a father, my first question is well, this was your mom's question for you is at what point did you realize that you loved my kids as your own?
Speaker 1:well, I feel like it was different because the older ones I met after we were already married like four years in like in person. You met them yeah, yeah, but I mean I don't, I don't even remember, because it's one of those.
Speaker 2:I feel like they were always there.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. I feel like they were always.
Speaker 3:I don't know, like I really don't remember the first time april called me dad I don't remember that either, but I do remember the first time that you basically said you wanted to be their father no, you don't yes, I do you got good memory I don't't, but what I remember, I remember that.
Speaker 1:So the first time Tell the story. She's going to ask me a question. Is she telling?
Speaker 3:a story. Well, I thought you would know. I guess I'm the only one who remembers this. So the first time was when I would pick you up from work to take you to lunch. I had April in her car seat and Asia in the back. She used to steal her mom's car. You hit veronica. I did whatever I had to to. I always had to run errands with the girls anyways, but I always like I used to make avery lunch for work all the time or take him to go get lunch. So this day I took him to go get lunch. I had the girls.
Speaker 1:We had already been this is before we lived together.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this is when we were just dating.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm. And she wanted a young Tenderoni.
Speaker 3:No no no, we're not going there. So then we had lunch. I don't know, we just I was honestly in shock. We just had lunch together. The girls were in the back. I like instantly realized that April really did love you Like she instantly was, I don't know, she would just smile a lot when she was around you. Then I dropped you off, back off to work. I went to the grocery store with the girls and I got a text from you that basically said like that, you fell in love with the girls.
Speaker 1:I don't remember this.
Speaker 3:Yes, and before that you had said if I wanted you to be their father because you knew their father was non-existent, that you would love to be their father because you knew their father was non-existent, that you would love to be their father, which I never like fed into because I was like yeah, right, but I remember it that way that's deep and then my oldest three. This episode is sponsored by isn.
Speaker 1:Intensity starts now. If you're looking for a fitness coach, I recommend coach stone. He specializes in speed, strength and agility. Also, make sure you get your gear. Check him out on instagram and facebook at coach stone official yeah, there's so much more like we don't even yeah we don't even need to like go into that, that's a way too much.
Speaker 3:but basically it was before we moved out here. The kids had always been in Arizona with their father and, yeah, you never got to meet them in person until we came out here because we knew we were going to move here and we were looking at places.
Speaker 1:So then you met them for the first time, but that was awkward for me.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah, so explain that that was awkward for me. Okay, yeah, so that was awkward for me. Why?
Speaker 1:let me tell you why. Because I know how it is to be the kid in that situation. So it's like I don't know what they're thinking, but it's also one of those like it wasn't. I don't. I don't feel like you made that welcoming for me. Why, I don't know.
Speaker 3:Yes, you do.
Speaker 1:It was just, I don't know, the first time we went to the OK. This is it the first time we went to their dad's house? It was it was very awkward.
Speaker 2:Why.
Speaker 1:Because you left me at the door. I'm like I don't know these people. I don't know if they're going to look at me like this. Look at this fool. I don't know, and you were just like, look, we stopped at the door and you just walked off. I was like, all right, it's awkward, I met the dad or their dear grandpa. He was cool, but the mom just I don't know it was it was not a welcoming environment.
Speaker 2:Let's say that um their dad.
Speaker 1:I mean, he seemed cool, but he didn't say much. So I was just like but those situations can get bad, and that's the first time I've ever been in that situation.
Speaker 2:I've never known that.
Speaker 1:And then with the kids, like I've. I talked to a girl with a kid before, but it was. It was very awkward because it was her kid wasn't older, but her kid was younger, it was a baby, but it was like the the inch. I feel like the introduction has to be right in order for me to feel comfortable. Right, all right. So with the older kids now it was uh, I don't know it was. I didn't want to do too much to where they didn't like me, if that makes sense, because I feel like when you're a kid at that age, a lot of times it's like my mom's got a new boyfriend, whatever. You know what I mean. I don't like them. Usually kids are like that off the bat.
Speaker 1:I don't like them, but it was cool. It was a little weird at times because when I first met them we argued, but we argued outside. They were inside and we weren't getting along.
Speaker 3:Because I don't remember. I remember it very well we're not going to go into that.
Speaker 1:Because, you're bad at telling stories because you forget some details.
Speaker 3:Okay, but that's fine. That's why it's your perspective and my perspective. That's what it's all about.
Speaker 1:But you don't be understanding why I be feeling some type of way.
Speaker 3:I feel the same way. This is such like. I mean, we're not the only ones that feel this way.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:There's going to be like the fact that I didn't know that till today we've been together for 10 years, almost nine years, whatever. I've never known that till this very moment. That's not fair to me. That's when I say, like communication is so important, but there may be things that maybe you don't know and I forget to like express or tell you.
Speaker 1:I told you that.
Speaker 3:Not in that way.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, Not in that way, but I told you that Okay, so for me but see how it's.
Speaker 3:No, it's because people, like in relationships, have to understand that like and I do struggle with this too, I'm not saying I'm perfect but like you have to understand that you're going to feel it in a different way because it's your viewpoint.
Speaker 3:You remember the moment and you have like reasons why you feel like it should have been this way. Whatever, I feel like it's both ways. Like, just like you felt like I should have introduced you or whatever I thought I did. I don't remember, but I do remember, like for me personally, like even when I met your family for the first time, I don't, I didn't wait for you to introduce me. For me, I'm like I'm coming into this family and I'm that's just the kind of person I am. I I do that. You know that. I do that.
Speaker 3:Anywhere we go your uncles, anything, I immediately say hello, I'm Erica, or like I talk to people. So for me it felt like when we walked in, I I remember them saying hi and whatever, and I had a. I get along with their dad, so of course, that was easy. Just hey, how's it going? Hadn't seen them in a long time, you know. And at one point they were still like his parents were still like my family, like my mom and my dad, honestly, and his dad was really like my dad. I never had a dad, so that relationship was never like damaged and I felt like walking in and that being kind of maybe different. I always thought that's what it was honestly, that's what I'm telling you. I never knew. I just feel like I walked in and it's like I wanted to feel as comfortable too in that situation where I didn't want it to be awkward. I didn't want the kids to feel as comfortable too, in that situation where I didn't want it to be awkward. I didn't want the kids to feel awkward and I personally expected you to like go up to the kids and say, hey, I'm, I'm Avery, it's good to meet you. You never did that.
Speaker 3:So for me and that like goes into like kind of why like it really helped me decide, like if this was going to be a good situation or not. Because that's what I would do if you had kids. I would walk in and I would introduce myself and just know that like I see them. I don't feel like you did that, but it's like because in that moment you were thinking about you. You see what I mean. So for me I just never seen it that way because that's not how I would do, that it would be different for me.
Speaker 3:And then, just like the whole experience, I think that kind of like affected it because, yeah, you weren't really very warm to them, you didn't really talk a lot to them, and for me, as a mother, like that was so important that, yeah, at one point I was like I don't know if you're ready to be a father father, because if that was me as a kid, like I would feel so uncomfortable, I would feel like you don't like me, you know.
Speaker 3:And then, as they got older it's actually crazy, because I've asked them this, like that experience from that day when they met you and they always like, felt like, oh, you know, we just always felt like the like asia and april were more of like his kids and like they were more, um, like you cared about them more, because there wasn't really like a relationship with them. And when you first met them and so they felt like, oh, dang, like that's what you like, that's what you care about, it's just like your little family you have and not us, you know. So there's a lot more to it, like, obviously, like I said, the kids always lived in Arizona. Um, yeah, I just like, I remember that day very vividly, very vividly.
Speaker 1:So now you see, but I also looked at it like I'm also coming in on trauma and I don't know what that trauma is like, what?
Speaker 2:do you mean?
Speaker 1:I don't know what the, the, the status of the trauma was.
Speaker 3:Who's trauma?
Speaker 1:The kids Right, Because we know your story right why you left all that. But I didn't know if they knew and if and that's how I looked at it too Like OK, they know what I'm saying, how was that their relationship with the last person?
Speaker 3:you were with, because that could carry over to me. Yeah, that's why I wanted it to be so different. So, and if it's not making sense, basically the oldest kids, I was with their dad for a few years. Then I met April and Asia's April and Asia's father, biological father, and I was with him again for a few years and then left that and then I met Avery.
Speaker 3:So it's not like I brought different men into their lives either. Of the kids' lives, honestly, all they knew was their dad and then him and the girls Nobody really, they didn't know, know anybody. So it's not like I brought different people into their lives. That's why it was so important to me like if I was gonna select you to be like in my life and in my kids life, and not just Asian Aprils that they would feel that love that you give to the girls the same way, because I never saw it any differently and I knew it was a different story, but I feel like they were expecting that, like I think they were expecting something different and not how he was, because he wasn't. He never even really let me have contact with them, like it was just it was bad. So I just knew you were different and I expected different, if that makes sense. And I told them that you were different.
Speaker 1:You're putting too much expectations on me.
Speaker 3:Okay, but now you see the different perspectives, though, like from where I'm coming from. Now it's like I'm telling you also what they've told me. So they love you now.
Speaker 1:I mean, that took a long time though.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but, and I feel like that's normal.
Speaker 1:It's it's easier to build a relationship with kids who don't have their father and their babies Older kids. That takes time.
Speaker 2:They don't want to try to replace A lot of time.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly Right.
Speaker 1:Exactly so. That's why it was a little difficult because, you know it could I don't know it could have gone a lot of different ways. The situations could been, could have been worse, or whatever the case may be so yeah well, I hear you oh, now you hear me, huh do you?
Speaker 3:hear me now you hear me does anything I'm saying, make sense yeah, it makes sense, I guess and how do you feel now, like now that you've you've been been actually around them?
Speaker 1:I mean, how do you feel? I feel like they're just, I feel like they're my kids extended.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:You know, got some. They're in their teenage years. Okay, it's a teenage.
Speaker 3:I think they're amazing kids.
Speaker 1:Teenagers are different.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:They're different.
Speaker 3:It is crazy because April and Asia are so small still. Yeah, you know, that's what I mean Having teenagers. They have their own life now.
Speaker 1:It is crazy because April and Asia are so small still. Yeah, that's what I mean Having teenagers. They have their own life now. They're doing all their, whatever they want to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And they're going to make decisions that you may or may not agree with.
Speaker 3:And that's the hard part about teenagers.
Speaker 1:Well then you'll be more prepared with Asiaian like my brother boy. He's gonna make his own decisions, do what he wants to do, no matter what anyone says who's that sound like huh who's that sound like?
Speaker 3:I don't know, mike no yes, that's how mike was. No, well, I mean, I think they're amazing kids. I think not that Asia and April aren't, but, honestly, like my oldest three are just they're amazing. I think they're such good kids and how everything happened is how it was supposed to happen, because I honestly think that they were raised very well, yeah, very, very well, and it's crazy because a lot of guys I cut are afraid to be girl dads and I feel like girls are easier to raise than boys, because I don't have to beef with girls.
Speaker 1:That's the moms doing and I don't have to do hair girls, we just want to be loved and heard.
Speaker 3:That's all that's all our difficult.
Speaker 1:Y'all was arguing this morning we're not, we're not.
Speaker 3:I'm over here keeping the peace they over here okay, because, look at this thing, you're always making us jump off topic topic. But I'm trying to be more. I'm trying to be more stern and, like what happened this last week with April, like I'm trying to be more on her and like really pay attention to, like who she's becoming. I'm really trying, because you always say I'm too lenient and I'm too that, but the moment I get on them about something, I'm all of a sudden in a bad mood and I'm just I'm in a bad mood and what am I so mad about? Or whatever it's like no, I'm stepping into my mom role, like I don't do that very often and it's important for me to start really getting on that because they are growing into their person.
Speaker 1:April's trying to sneak over and listen.
Speaker 2:She's trying to ear hustle and it's just go in your room now okay, I heard my name, so in your room go now all right.
Speaker 3:well, that kind of also answered my question that your mom had for me, because your mom asked me what was it that made me question if he could really be in my, in my uh kid's life or in my life?
Speaker 1:Let me ask you a question.
Speaker 3:Sure.
Speaker 1:Let me cook real quick. Let me think of something. When did you know? Right, right, right.
Speaker 2:Okay, spit it out.
Speaker 1:That you were going to be with me, for sure.
Speaker 3:You know what's crazy.
Speaker 1:I don't want to hear what's crazy, I want to hear the answer.
Speaker 3:I feel like it was. This sounds crazy, though I feel like it definitely was after I married you.
Speaker 1:Wow, no, but listen to me, listen to me.
Speaker 3:I married you truly because I was like, like you really were someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, of course, no, I wasn't.
Speaker 3:And, yes, really were someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Of course, no, I wasn't. And yes, you were. And then I just loved who you were to asia and april. That made me love you even more. But again, yeah, like things kind of start to shift once it came to the oldest kids, because that was like, oh no, like we can't have that if we're not, if they ever feel any different than Asia and April. I can't allow that. And your mom said something today like you're so lucky that you found him and that he accepts your kids, and I do agree with that.
Speaker 1:She's biased, though.
Speaker 3:But like I would not be with you if you didn't, because somebody else would.
Speaker 1:If I didn't what.
Speaker 3:So if you didn't love my kids the way that I would hope that you do, you didn't treat them the way that I would hope that you would treat them, because, like I said, I would want that. I'm sure you would want that from me if you had kids. So it's like, yeah, I wouldn't be with you if that was the case. Then, though, because my standards like you are how you are with the kids and whatnot, because my standards you are how you are with the kids and whatnot, because you know you respect my standards and what I would you know what I mean we wouldn't be together if you didn't love my oldest kids the way that you love them, or if you didn't accept my kids with me. We're a whole package.
Speaker 1:So here's the thing with that. I feel like the relationship got to where it is now not that long ago. So there was like there was always, like it's not necessarily awkward, it's just not like. I felt like they didn't know if I loved them loved them. And I didn't know either if they loved me until more recently that's because I actually explained to them right no no, that's what nyla told me yeah, yeah, that's what I was
Speaker 1:about to say yeah, yeah yeah, that's because now they know the real the real story Right. And now the trauma is unpacked. So that's where all of my stuff comes from Now the trauma is unpacked.
Speaker 3:You're dying to say that. I don't know if people I sometimes watch these back and I'm like I don't think they know what we're talking about.
Speaker 3:But just to make it short, basically I had to explain to my oldest three literally everything like oh my god, that happened in your everything that happened in my life from the moment I met their father, um, all the way through all my immigration stuff, me obviously being in a different state. I'm sure people that follow me on social media have always wondered. But also, like a lot of people, have always had their own opinion or they go based off what they've heard or been told by somebody else. But I know different and I know, like the story that I know is very accurate and when I tell that story there's not one person that doesn't understand. But I also still take a lot of accountability because there's a lot of things I could have did differently. But, like with the whole story, now that the kids know, yeah, I didn't tell them till not that long ago. I always just kind of felt like it wouldn't matter.
Speaker 1:But until I said what.
Speaker 3:Until Avery said you need to tell them. And it's actually crazy because since I did tell them, we've had such a heart-to-heart about that and they do understand now why things went the way that they did, why their father and I are not together, why I was in a different state. You know that it wasn't me like leaving them for him and so forth and now, like Nylas even told me like yeah, you know, at first I was just kind of like why you know? But now she's like I get it, they all are like I get it. So yeah, I mean I can understand that. But that's why like yes, is that also like breaking generational curses? I don't know.
Speaker 1:Kind of you know not really, but kind of.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Generational curses mean like every generation before me, or a lot of generations before me, went through the same thing, yeah, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but Let me say this At the barber shop, shout out my boy, paul. Shout out all them boys at the shop. They come see me. They call me the whiz. This is why Because when I break it down, I break it down, come on man, come, on man Come on, man Come on man Come on, man, I know, I mean Come on man.
Speaker 1:So it's hard to come into a child's life when there's trauma that has not been unpacked and that's why I didn't know the status of that trauma and that's why I was on reserve. It's not that I'm not ready, it's that I have to understand are they willing to accept me into their life? You know what I mean, because if they're not willing to accept me, that's going to be a challenge, if they don't know everything that happened and that I'm not here to be bad to them.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Because there are situations where it's like, oh, she got a new boyfriend. This boyfriend is a bad guy and I know it. A kid can tell the guys my mom's been with, not saying every time I say something about my mom, she takes it out of context. She's not been with a lot of guys, okay, okay, mom yeah, let's share that, no she's not out here in these streets. She chose to date as a mom can do right.
Speaker 1:Certain guys right. I didn't agree with some of those guys as a kid. There are certain things that I went through with these people that you know she may have not seen, she doesn't understand, she doesn't know. I mean, I don't communicate. As a kid I didn't communicate at all. I didn't learn how to communicate until I was a barber. People don't understand People don't know that. But the lack of communication comes from a lot of stems. A lot stems from dad, father issues that I have.
Speaker 3:But when I was a kid I didn't express anything, I just like oh well yeah, but you always talk to about how like mike's dad was, oh wait, like he always treated you like his own. So to me that's when I go back to that statement, when you say that, and that's when I'm like, okay, now I understand why you felt that way, but because I didn't know that, I'm just seeing it as wouldn't you want the kids to feel like how you felt, like how Mike's dad treated you?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:That's how I always saw it, so to me. That's why it would affect me. Yeah, and it would question, you know, yeah, Like is this, is this right? Is it Cause I would have to think that, like is this, am I doing the right thing? Because I'm not feeling like you?
Speaker 2:want to get close to them, you know.
Speaker 3:So I want to get close to them, you know. So you see, how you can see it from different perspectives is what I mean when you have a mixed family or you have kids that you took on that were not biologically yours.
Speaker 1:And that's why I feel like I wouldn't be able to discipline them, especially earlier, like before our relationship got to where it is now, because the trauma is now because the trauma is not the trauma still there. You know that that's when it comes out. You're not my dad. That's when it comes up because I have relationships with, with my, my siblings, fathers. We don't have the same fathers and that's what it came to. You know what I mean? Unpacked trauma? I don't. I have a lot of unpacked fathers and that's what it came to.
Speaker 2:You know what I?
Speaker 1:mean Unpacked trauma. I have a lot of unpacked trauma, but there's also a thing of it's like how can I say this? I don't know, there's certain things that I had going on in my life which wouldn't allow me to open up to someone new for my mom and now my mom, you know, I know those guys, but do I think they're all good guys and that's that's where it can get tricky, because there were some good guys but I wasn't willing to open up and I wasn't willing to open up to a relationship to those guys.
Speaker 1:Some people, I'm just like forget them.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I can tell they're not who I would want my mom to be, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, what you feel is healthy and maybe at the beginning your kids were like this ain't what, who I want my mom to be with you know so, but I've I've been on their side more than I've been on this side, and that's why I approach the situation that way yeah so yeah I get it see erica just be thinking like I don't be moving. You got to stop doing that. It's not just me.
Speaker 3:You felt a certain way, I felt a certain way. You saw it a different way, I saw a different way. That's why you communicate and you can't be afraid to say, like there's yeah, was I not like, afraid to tell you that, like, oh, they felt this way, or they, or Nyla told me this. Yes, because I don't ever want you to feel less than who you are. You're not that, but I have to tell you because it's like I want you to know how they're feeling or how they felt. You know what I mean, because it is such a different dynamic between Asia and April.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And like at the end of the day, you are asian april's father and yeah, I just I cannot stand when people like separate the two, like he's not a stepdad to asian april, he is their father um all my clients are like they made your kids.
Speaker 1:I'm like I don't have biological kids. I have kids. I don't have biological, biological kids. But a lot of people don't know. And they don't even need to, they look like Bradley tells me all the time hey, man, they starting to look like you, it's because they act like you. That's how I be.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it doesn't matter. I wish people would get that narrative out of their heads.
Speaker 1:But we can have these conversations now. Yeah, out of their heads. But we can have these conversations now. Yeah, we couldn't have these conversations a long time ago.
Speaker 2:What do you mean?
Speaker 1:You're hard to communicate with ma'am.
Speaker 2:I literally talk about anything. Let me finish.
Speaker 1:But I also didn't communicate the way I do now.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But yeah, you're hard to communicate with.
Speaker 3:You know how like Tubby don't talk. That's you that to communicate. You know how like tubby don't talk.
Speaker 1:That's you, that's how you were tubby, she's talking about you. No, I'm just saying like you definitely did not communicate very well, yeah, so I know, I'm aware of that.
Speaker 1:But I'm fully aware that's. That's one of my pet peeves too. Men don't communicate In the barbershop. It is so bad. It's bad to the point where I communicate very, very extra with my clients. If you book a new appointment, if you're a new person, I'm going to text you. Hey, what's up? This is Cruz, this is the address, this, this, this, this is that. Be here on time. That's it.
Speaker 1:Guys won't reply yeah, it's like bro, this is me texting you, letting you know hey, welcome. This is not a awkward place or an unwelcoming place. They don't communicate but, they'll just cancel their appointment sometimes.
Speaker 3:So a lot of things I learned through my waxing training. I had so many therapeutic moments and conversations.
Speaker 1:You wasn't training, you wasn't even having therapy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I really was. It was something she told me was like you need to learn to give other people grace instead of judging them right away. Everybody moves how they move for a reason. Everybody says things how they say for a reason, or they don't say things for a reason, and maybe these men that you've, you know, come into contact with, have never been taught to communicate effectively. Yeah, or they're around toxic environments that they can't communicate effectively.
Speaker 3:And like you tell me all the time that I'm not easy to communicate with and I just sometimes I have a hard time understanding that, because I feel like if you really take a moment and get to sit down like we are now and communicate and talk, I will listen and then I'll probably think about it later on and just be like okay, I understand where you're coming from In the moment.
Speaker 1:I might get a little defensive, exactly.
Speaker 3:But that is normal.
Speaker 1:There's been a time where I told you something. You got mad at me, you yelled at me, you went to the kitchen. When I came to the kitchen, you said, okay, I understand, yes, why you got to be offensive, why you didn't just have a conversation.
Speaker 3:Do you think that you're the easiest person to communicate with?
Speaker 1:Look, see, see, april knows, April knows All right, be quiet, go to your room. Hush Life april knows all right, be quiet go in your room life with girls. Boy, okay go ahead.
Speaker 3:No, you're fine, you're go ahead, no problem.
Speaker 3:No, tell me about myself I feel it's because, like you feel like I'm not easy to communicate with or I get offended easily, whatever I feel like you're not always easy to communicate with or I get offended easily, whatever I feel like you're not always easy to communicate with, like I could start telling you something and then you start doing that. You guys have seen it, he'll do that. Oh my God, you just don't take the time to listen to where I'm coming from. You immediately already have a reaction. You immediately already have a reaction. You immediately already have your own opinion, and it's almost like no one can convince you otherwise, because what you feel is what's right is what's right and what you feel is what's wrong is wrong. Imagine me trying to communicate with someone like that every single day. Why would you think that I would feel how I feel?
Speaker 1:I'd just be knowing stuff.
Speaker 3:Anyway.
Speaker 1:Alright, I got a question.
Speaker 3:We were supposed to talk about generational curses.
Speaker 1:No, we wasn't, we were supposed to talk about what we're talking about now.
Speaker 3:Well, as you guys can see, we don't.
Speaker 1:Generational curses and me being a stepfather are two completely different.
Speaker 3:We can talk about that on the next one.
Speaker 1:We can talk about that. On the next one, y'all want to hear generational curses, or they're mine I'm going to get it.
Speaker 3:What were you going to say?
Speaker 1:Never mind, I'll save it for the next one.
Speaker 3:What were you going to say?
Speaker 1:I was going to ask them do they think women know how to take?
Speaker 3:accountability. You just asked me that the other day.
Speaker 1:I know.
Speaker 3:But you're a woman. Accountability for what, though, I don't understand?
Speaker 1:your question Emphasize 90% of women are gonna say no or yes. Women know how to take accountability for what? Guys don't always agree for whatever anything but what made you ask that? I've just seen it on tiktok. It was just a a viral question I would need to know for what? It's like the 100 men versus a gorilla. It was just a question online.
Speaker 3:I know, but it doesn't really make sense Like take accountability for what?
Speaker 1:I don't know, ask TikTok. This is like a group conversation, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:I can't even like answer that, because like Take accountability for what though I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't even like answer that because, like, take accountability for what, though I don't know. I don't know For what.
Speaker 3:Like anything.
Speaker 1:Like anything.
Speaker 3:I see I feel like for me I've there's so many things. I'm going to give myself grace in the props where I deserve it.
Speaker 3:I do feel like I've grown in a lot of ways. For sure I want to give myself that grace and like I have learned to say I could have done this differently. I could have, and that's like pride, like I could have. You know, I could have said, no, everything that I did before in my past that's like how it was supposed to be. It's fine. Before in my past that's like how it was supposed to be, it's fine. No, I've literally sat and said I could have done so much differently. I could have, even with, like my jobs and stuff, where I'm like, oh, I could have did this differently, I could have waited out.
Speaker 3:My waxing training has been such like believe it or not, a huge eye opener for me that like I can, I can fight my, my anxiety.
Speaker 3:I can fight my wanting to just run. I always want to run from things or quit, like even when it comes to relationships my last two that's what I did. When, like, when I'm done, I'm done, I feel like, when I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to deal with it. And when it comes to like a job, that's like feeding my family and stuff, I had to grow out of that quick and just be like no, and she would tell us that in training, you need to prove today that you want to be here and that you're here because you want this for you and your family, and everything that you've ever dreamt about is why you're here today, so you're not going to give up when it gets tough. Because she was tough on us felt like boot camp. We were getting yelled at, like it was rough but like you have to be strong emotionally to get through that and I had a breakdown. The other girl it wasn't just me like that wasn't having a breakdown yes, like if you've never had a european.
Speaker 3:I can't. I don't know if I can say training in a wax place like it can be super intense because they need to make sure you're running into so many different people every day. You have to be able to handle different situations and for me, that was something that really I really learned actually how to like handle my moments when I felt like I just want to give up. I seriously yeah, I'm not see, I'm taking accountability. I'm admitting like I felt on day three I wanted to just be done. I was like I'm gonna just have to find something else there.
Speaker 3:My mind backtracks you know, but no, I like was like no, I'm gonna make it through and I did. And I'm so proud that I stuck it through, because now I see the light. But that's me taking accountability.
Speaker 1:I have anxiety but you also, you don't give yourself enough grace she talked about that too you. I feel like you stress about a lot of stuff that that is, from generational curses girl, let me talk. You struggle with tests and all this and you stress so hard and I don't understand it because it's not that serious and you don't hold on and you don't think you're as good as you are at stuff.
Speaker 1:That's what I mean by give yourself some grace. You need to understand who you are and what you are and how good you are.
Speaker 3:I do now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, now.
Speaker 3:Okay, but I needed to go through that, I know, to get to that point. You see what I'm saying, because I could have given up and I would have never seen it that way. I would have just given up and been back at square one and I would continue that same generational curse on myself that I'm not good enough. This is not for me. I'm not strong enough. I can't do it, you know so.
Speaker 1:You need to be like Big Tino.
Speaker 3:But see, that's what I'm saying Like you have to be more like, you need to not be so harsh, like for you to say like I don't get it. It's because you don't understand my why I feel that way. It goes way back, way back, and if I've never actually dealt with it and had like therapy or something to help me through it, I've had to help myself through it. Literally no one else helps me through it but God. So just think about it. Give people grace, because people are going through a stuff deep down that they don't want to talk about. Just like men don't like to talk about a lot of things, me, as a woman, I don't like to talk about a lot of things. It makes me feel weak, it makes me feel like I'm not, it makes me feel like a baby, like I'm a complainer, so I just don't talk about it, I deal with it and then it starts to erupt. So give me grace.
Speaker 1:I guess, well, that is the end of this episode, guys. So yeah, it's been stressful.
Speaker 3:What's been stressful.
Speaker 2:This episode why?
Speaker 1:It's been what's the word to explain this episode? I?
Speaker 3:think it's just. This is us. We talk about anything and I. Are you stressed or something? I feel fine.
Speaker 1:It's not.
Speaker 3:It's not that deep. You have to talk about things like this. You know how many people don't have conversations like this. That's what I'm saying. It's not arguing, it's communication.
Speaker 1:Since we communicate, how come you didn't ask me about my night last night?
Speaker 3:I was going to ask you that why did you post?
Speaker 1:Because I almost died last night.
Speaker 2:Why.
Speaker 1:A motorcycle almost ran me over.
Speaker 2:Where.
Speaker 1:Downtown Gilbert.
Speaker 3:He was out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we went to eat. We went to eat tacos downtown gilbert. Then we went to get ice cream, right. I turned around, right I'm facing, so the traffic can only come this way. So kenny's right here. Kenny and andre, I'm taking a picture. I hear a car behind me. I'm thinking, okay, we got to get out the way because maybe they're going to go this way, not realizing you can only go this way on this street. So I hear the car, I see the light reflection on Kenny, so I step to the right. The motorcycle swerves right. If I would hit his handlebars he would hit Kenny and Andre, or he would have Kenny and Andre, or he would have just ran me over. So, yeah, so thanks for asking.
Speaker 3:I don't know what you're talking about, so thanks for asking. I don't really think much into your posts honestly, I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 1:We was at church today feeling grateful.
Speaker 3:My boy, You're supposed to feel grateful every day.
Speaker 1:I know. But boy and also, you can die any day. Erica, the bike was a hair away from me, I felt it, and the dude got the nerve to look back at me like I did something wrong. I said hey, Kenny, if you'd hit me you should have dropped that fool, See how your life can change in an instant well, I didn't know that, but I mean, I wasn't thinking on motorcycling that's it for this episode.
Speaker 1:that's it for this episode. Make a, what's it called? Make a thumbnail, take a thumbnail. Alright, I'm what. Make a thumbnail, take a thumbnail. All right, I'm going to take a thumbnail right now. All right, you ain't making no thumbnail. I'm going to use that exact same picture right there. Yeah, nah, don't try to smile now. Oh girl, we're going to see y'all in the next episode. Like subscribe to the YouTube channel. Follow us. Subscribe Whatever you do on Spotify, apple.
Speaker 3:Music all that you can follow her if you want to. E-r-i-k-a-p-l-e-d-g-e.
Speaker 1:Go follow me now. That is so many letters. We'll catch y'all in the next one. We appreciate the support. Peace.