From Tourette’s And Autism To Agency And Art

What does it take to turn a nervous system on high alert into a life you actually want? We sit down as a team and go deep with Jaxon—diagnosed with Asperger’s and Tourette’s at seven—on the years when every sound felt like a siren, school felt like a verdict, and a ten-year-old asked to tap out. This isn’t trauma for shock value. It’s the blueprint for how structure, flow, and the right kind of support can turn relentless discomfort into clarity, competence, and pride.

Jaxon opens up about sensory overload, rage cycles, and the moment music quieted his tics. We unpack the difference between compassion and coddling, the teachers who swapped worksheets for documentaries, and why outcome-focused flexibility unlocks real performance. He shares the simple system that changed everything—planning only seven days at a time—and how short horizons reduce anxiety while boosting follow-through for ADHD and autistic brains.

We get honest about dating and disclosure: when to speak, when to pace, and how masking can be a tool without becoming a prison. We also reframe self-talk using a late-night diner story as a mirror for the cruel loops many of us run internally—then show how humor and boundaries can turn shame into agency. Along the way, we talk community, burnout, creative focus, and the slow work of rebuilding self-image after years of being misread.

If you’re autistic, ADHD, Tourette’s, or simply wired a bit differently, you’ll find practical tactics and a lot of heart: flow over force, structure over shame, outcomes over uniformity. Stick around to the end for how to support the show and help us grow this into a live-streamed, community-powered space. If this resonated, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the conversation. Your story belongs here, too.

Transcript

Hosts Kick Off Season Two

SPEAKER_05 0:00

Hello, everybody. Welcome to the NeuroFuck Podcast. I am your host, Haley Olivia, and then we have this other host right over here. What is your name?

SPEAKER_02 0:09

The other host, Jackson Rosa, and we're so excited to have you today. It's season two. Haley, are you excited as I am?

SPEAKER_05 0:16

I am, but I'm trying not to be as excited while we're filming.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

We're trying to tone down our excitement, and it's really hard. It's bursting out of the world.

SPEAKER_05 0:25

I giggle so much. Do you know how hard it was for Jackson to edit? And I get to edit this season, so I'm not laughing as much.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

Yeah, we're gonna. We're making some changes around here. Okay, let's enjoy the episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

It's time for NeuroF podcast with your host, Jackson Rosa, that mischievous motherfucker. Haley Olivia, what's your name, girl? You on the spectrum and Terrence. We've got autism, ADHD, OCD, all the deeds. We got stories and artists from all walks of life. It's time to get neurologically.

Setting The Tone And Inside Jokes

SPEAKER_02 1:13

Can I get a Yeah, we know we are rolling. Okay. Deep breath, everyone, deep breath. Don't roast Haley, don't roast Haley, don't roast Haley, don't roast anyone. Be a good person. Okay, yeah, I know. Okay, one second. He everyone, welcome to the Neurofucked Podcast. Today is a very different day for us. I'm gonna get out of my announcer voice, but today it's just us. It's the NeuroFucked crew. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:56

Yay! We did it, we're here. So here we are.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

What were people actually requesting? Let's get on that. Oh no.

SPEAKER_05 2:07

I feel like we have talked a little bit about us, but we haven't had an episode about us.

SPEAKER_02 2:11

So here we are. So we're gonna add some like sad violin music to some of these sections. We'll add some like I don't know what whatever that is.

SPEAKER_03 2:23

The smallest violin.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 2:27

Exactly. I feel like I'm in the Tiny Tim movie.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Y'all have um we've had our Dobby energy here in the past.

SPEAKER_03 2:44

We have a little bit of a chest. Could I have a sock, please? I was gonna say Peter Piper. Uh Harry Potter! Harry Potter, why are you so good to me?

SPEAKER_05 3:00

You guys asked for this. Now I'm in the middle of these two.

The Diner Story And Self-Talk

SPEAKER_02 3:07

The physical embod this helps me, this visualizes it. Physical embodiment of someone being really hard on themselves. One night, many years ago, there was a place in NorCal. My friends and I finished a production day and we went there. It's a 4 a.m. type diner. It's like a it's like worse than Denny's. It's like a Denny's, but it's it's called Karo's or something. Oh my god. You know what that is?

SPEAKER_01 3:29

I used to go to Karo's time.

SPEAKER_02 3:32

Yeah, so Caro's was like open all night, and there was a woman there, and she my friend ordered some like the pancakes or something, and she came back with like the wrong dish, and he said, Oh, just just so you know, like he's being very polite. It's like this is the wrong dish I order pancakes. She's like, Oh, oh, okay, okay, okay. She's like a little flustered. She came back again with it the wrong dish for him. And then we looked at this woman and she walked away. Granted, we were very understanding. It's four in the mor, it's like three in the morning.

SPEAKER_03 4:03

Yeah.

Early Diagnoses And School Struggles

SPEAKER_02 4:03

Uh, she just goes, Stupid, stupid, stupid. She did that in front of us. It's like, it's sad, but we turned it into our own internal joke of like whenever we did something wrong, we'd just be like, stupid, stupid, stupid, and it's not because it's a sad moment for anyone because you because it sadness of that rubs off on the people around you. You're just like, no, it's just it's okay. Like, you end up being a therapist for someone that's like stupid, stupid, stupid. Yeah. So taking that, turning it into like an idea that you're just like, well, we turned that into a joke. Because when you can turn the emotions that way, it can kind of casualize the experience and make you like it doesn't ignore your feelings, it just makes it less of a thing that you need to um soak in. Uh so you casualize it, stupid, stupid, stupid. And I can yeah, I don't never got that out of my head. Like, that's what you're doing to yourself when you, you know, you're literally hitting yourself in the head for no reason when no one really cared that much. Yeah. So anyway, fun fact. So this uh so for me, I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was seven, now ASD. I had also been diagnosed with Tourette's when I was seven. My mom basically became my private investigator and was like, we need to figure this out because it's you're suffering with it. The ticks were physical, so it was shoulder rolls, neck movements, all that. It was a um rolling my neck around. I was like a little eight-year-old at a in a mosh pit. You know, I was like, like, you know, everywhere. And I got a lot of comments on it in school, got a lot of like weirdness from it. I was taken out of class multiple times. I was spent a special.

SPEAKER_05 5:55

Yeah, that's where they treated you like you were misbehaving.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

There was a there was a first off, there was an understanding that like they didn't know what it was until I had a diagnosis. So the teachers also kind of were like shocked or didn't know what to do at first. So you're kind of like the anomaly. Because it would be one thing if it was just the autism, but it was the Tourette's. Right. That was the thing that actually showed itself to people, and there'd be kids that'd be like, Jackson, you're gonna get arthritis. Jackson, you're gonna like all these things that they've been, you know, even at that age, they're like, Oh, like you shouldn't do that.

SPEAKER_05 6:30

These small comments over time more than small to you.

SPEAKER_02 6:35

And my mom, bless her heart, she gave me this book. I probably never read it. I was just not good at home, I was not good at doing anything that anyone wanted me to do. I was very independent. I knew how to break out of locks in our home. I would go out running through the woods naked. I was I was an escape artist.

SPEAKER_05 6:55

Completely star naked.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

Yes, exactly. I was an escape artist, and uh my mom had to become a dungeon parent because she she literally had to like put a lock on the outside of the door because I was young and I'd break out not only break out of my room, but break out of the locked, like short little todher, break out of the locked house doors, and like gonna and so we lived near State Park, like huge tree, you know, we lived in the wilderness. Yeah, so my mom's worst fear was Jackson's gonna Jackson's gonna run out into the woods one day and never come back.

SPEAKER_05 7:28

So you can't really falter for that, like it in a certain perspective, it's like you locked your son in, but nobody had every reason.

SPEAKER_02 7:37

I was very hyper, yeah, I was very crazed, and my first word was uh pace, but I had a speech impediment with S's, uh-huh, so it was space. And we'll get back to this because that's actually relevant to autism. I was telling, get the fuck away from me. Yeah, like my first word was space, like stop touching me. Space, right? Because my I had a very I had a sister that was very loving. My older sister would carry me around and like like I was some doll. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:07

You know, as one does.

SPEAKER_02 8:08

Yeah, as one does, she's five years older than me. Um, just going like, okay, he's my it's my new uh it's my new brother, right? Um I imagine her bumping my head into things, you know, like yeah, yeah. I don't know. This you know, my sister Molly, she's awesome, but like that was reality. She's like, oh, new, like a new toy, you know, a new a new baby boy. So I yeah, first world was space.

SPEAKER_05 8:34

But I said, peace, peace. Um that's kind of adorable.

Sensory Overload And Family Dynamics

SPEAKER_02 8:40

Yeah, and I think that from a young age they were convinced I didn't like to be touched, I didn't like socks, I didn't like pants with seams in them, I didn't like I would wear sweatpants, I didn't like um I was just super hypersensitive, smell of coffee in the morning was just like insane. I'd uh these things would boil up to a boiling point where they felt put put me into fits of rage. And so like it would actually be a rage response. So as a little boy with a lot of energy, these inconsistencies and these problems and these uncomfortable moments would turn into like rage. And so that happened up until a certain point, and I was brought to every specialist known under the sun in the Bay Area to figure out what's wrong with my boy type of thing, right? And I was um, in fact, yeah, it was like and it that was a little bit of a complex too. What's wrong, you know, when you're told like that there's she's not telling me, but the world that in the situation is kind of telling you that there's something wrong with you, you need to be removed from the situation. At 10 years old, I had a horrible year. I had a septic knee infection, and I was brought into surgery where it could have been amputated. Oh, it's from an infection, maybe of the tooth, like or something that a tooth came out or something, but knee infection where there was a it was the size of a melon. Oh, and they had to do it anyway. I had that surgery done after I got that done. I had my Tourette's diagnosis. I was brought everywhere under the sun. It was a year of taking Jackson out of school and doing different things, and I was kind of miserable. And my mom took me to see a pu bunch of Australian Shepherd puppies for my for that Christmas, and I picked out a be like an awesome dog um named Gus. So she's really understood that I was having a crazy year. Yeah, and I remember viscerally telling my mom after a night of like rage, of like, you know, of the ticks, of the trance, of the um stimulus of being completely overrun by that. I was like, I don't want to live, like I'm so uncomfortable that I just want to kill myself. So imagine like telling your mom that at like 10 years old, right?

SPEAKER_05 11:03

Yeah, you imagine 10 years old.

SPEAKER_02 11:05

Yeah, I was just I'm so uncomfortable in my body that I want it to be over. I want this to be all done. It's so uncomfortable to be me right now. And it wasn't like being dramatic, it was this literal like explosion of muscle tension and issues and all that stuff combined with noises and sounds and dinner table antics, and having a new uh stepfather in the situation, having all this change, but also having these really um hypersensitive moments. You know, even my stepdad clearing his throat across the house, I'd be like, like it would just my body would like anything that happened would be like that.

SPEAKER_03 11:49

Like and my whole body would get like it's kind of like what's the word? Like a spider sense in a way.

SPEAKER_02 11:56

Yeah, it was just so and you when you live out in the countryside, if you grow up in those places, it amplifies every small noise. So, you know, I could literally hear a conversation across a house and be like, stop talking about it.

SPEAKER_04 12:07

The world is too loud.

Suicidal Thoughts At Ten

SPEAKER_02 12:09

Yeah, stop talking, right? So we found ways of coping, we found ways of dealing with headphones, you know, dealing with different things. I'm dealing with at the dinner table, my mom put one of those little VHS like TVs far away across the house, and I would like instead of eating at the table with them, I would eat way down there, and like I would still hear them though, and I'd be like, I've just every once in a while, I'd like to hit the table. So my level of intensity with that stuff would would turn to like potential self-harm or violence, meaning that the violence was in fact me hitting a table, punching like hitting a wall, yeah, doing something to like escape to have that energy escape in a way where I wasn't hurting anyone else. Right. So or making it inconvenient for anyone, but it would make people very uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_05 12:58

So I emotion So from then to where you are now, um obviously you still experience a lot of autistic traits. You're still autistic, like the it doesn't go away, but you're a lot more adjusted to those autistic traits. Um, what do you think helped get you to that point?

SPEAKER_02 13:28

I was never coddled in a way that made me feel like everyone was going to move to my beat of the drum. Right. I was told right away that though like there's things that you could you may work a different job, you might work a different thing, but you are responsible for yourself. Yeah, you can't do that at a dinner table, you can't react that way in society because society's not gonna like that. Yeah, and that's not a bad thing to tell someone like hey, like you need to figure out ways to cope and figure out the situation soon. My mom was close to sending me to like a camp, like somewhere that I'd like live, like a boarding school, like a boarding school for disabled kids. Like that's how bad, like it was somewhat creating so much stress, and I'm so glad she didn't do that or send me to a Dr. Phil style like youth kit, because I would have been so fucked. Yeah, but like that was like that. So it's in the idea of like you need to create solutions early on that that and she encouraged my artistic stuff when I was playing piano. The ticks went away. When I was playing, when I was doing something I loved, it goes away because your brain is able to then focus in intensely on the thing. Yeah, um, so that's a lot of people.

SPEAKER_05 14:49

Do you fully agree with um that mindset of you're gonna have to just fix all of it and I became yeah, I I I do agree.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

I think that there's a plus and a minus. You want to you don't want to feel like it's done in a way or said in a way where you're on your own kid. Yeah. I had very supportive mom. She got me on medication, she figured out what I needed, and she encouraged my art. So on the flip side, is more like you need to find ways to cope because you are making things uncomfortable for the people around you. You have to have some sort of responsibility, and you have to have some sort of self-awareness that so if I was coddled with it, I feel like I would have been like a menace.

SPEAKER_05 15:38

Yeah, it's just where you were at at that point, you were just on a different part of the spectrum, yeah, then that that's what helped and that's what helped and worked for you. But it would help you. It doesn't necessarily mean it's what everyone on the spectrum would need.

Responsibility Versus Coddling

SPEAKER_02 15:54

No, you some people would need more like of an understanding or emotional support. Right. I needed to that, um, but I also needed to feel like because I was back I was very wanting to be independent, I wanted to be off the meds, I wanted to be off everything. Right, yeah. I wanted what I I was very stubborn, and so like there was no stopping me from wanting to live a life. Um, so so fast forward now. Um, there was a point in time where it's like, okay, Tourette's Jackson might not be able to drive, he might not be able to have a car, he might not be able to work at all. Like the learning disabilities kind of combined paint this picture of the world that you are not like so so the the thing I'm trying to bring up is even if you're diagnosed younger, you just have all those existential things younger. Yeah, like you you just that you have all the existential crisis early, and so like it's not like it doesn't happen, it happens early, and you are struggling to then pick up the pieces and figure out how to be a confident young adult.

SPEAKER_05 17:04

Yeah, it's a completely different story written for you. Um and uh but again it comes with its own own pros and cons versus the opposite.

SPEAKER_02 17:16

I think that I think a lot of people focus on the time and when it's said to you.

SPEAKER_05 17:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:20

But it really depends, it's really not something that it's you cut it comes with realizations that can either help or hurt, right? Like, because it's um anyway, point is is that I live a life now that's very independent, very functioning, very um in line with the organization and figuring out, you know, figured out what works for me. Right.

SPEAKER_05 17:46

Yeah, and uh but you had to work a lot harder to get that.

SPEAKER_02 17:56

Yeah, I think I really viscerally think back to school when like principals and people would be like, you know you could just drop out, you you know you just don't have to go to school. Yeah, I was doing so poorly that faculty were ready to give me the you don't have to do this. Um, like you could kill your education if you really want to. Yeah. Um, and that was felt horrible. It's when adult and figures of authority.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

I would love to ask you, if you're if I'm not interrupting a thought, what systems you put in place for yourself to have this independent life now.

SPEAKER_05 18:34

I know because I definitely you've been helping me over the past few years try to help discover that for myself on what you do. And so I have like a surface level idea, but I don't know like how deep it goes for you, you know?

SPEAKER_02 18:52

Yeah, so I'm not medicated anymore. I went off um that in I have the type of Tourette's that was able to, when your body chemistry changes, to age out of it. Oh so luckily that was like my saving grace is because I was so concerned in through my 20s that I had to go off on medication, I'd be back to the same kid. Uh, luckily, yeah, it wasn't the type of Tourette's that last you into your old age. Yeah. It I have some that appear every now and then, right? But it's mild. And so um what I'd say to that, Jared, is just like um co uh skills that I've acquired over a very long career.

Aging Out Of Tics And Building Systems

SPEAKER_03 19:34

Okay, alright, and alright, Liam Nason.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

So so just do um so for the kind of ADHD side of the brain that like or side of the process that might come up with these things, it is um better to for me to write a seven-day schedule and stick to that if I put out the whole month. So running a business is like part of that, is like seven days, what's happening the next seven days, right out of the planner on Sunday. That's it. So you create schedules, you create structure through a planner, and your planner could look like anything. I do that. That's actually saved, that's actually made me more successful than anything.

unknown 20:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 20:20

What are things that you still struggle with now though, even though you've come so far, like again, like I said before, autism doesn't just disappear.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Yeah, so cold emails. Oh, I see. Like, no, I think I think being visible with my autism, being like like the idea of being visible to people and being too open about it. Um, I would say in dating, it's um I know you've mentioned that several times. Being told by society that like these are things you should bring up maybe three months down the line that you're not going to no one's gonna want to hear your deepest stuff right away. And even if it doesn't feel that deep to you, it'll feel like it's you're saying something about insecurity or your weaknesses to someone. Right. When really you're just revealing a part of yourself that's actually strong. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 21:10

Uh so it's sad people see it as a weakness.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

It's really it's not it's not, yeah. And it's it depends on the person, right? You're the right person, but I've learned how to be like what is done is actually taught me how to mask a little more over time, yeah, and to be open to the fact that people can discover these things about me later on. So what's changed is more is adaptability to society and how to not lose my personality, but how to add punctuation. Yep.

SPEAKER_05 21:47

Do you find yourself not necessarily irritated, but slightly triggered by like for example, me, I haven't known very long. I haven't known very long though. I was on the spectrum, and so I'm trying to I'm in a completely different place than you are, trying to find a happy medium. And I am learning to unmask so it's the opposite for you.

Dating, Disclosure, And Masking

SPEAKER_02 22:17

Yeah, I like I spent my whole upbringing feeling like an outcast. So there's a battle within me that wants to enjoy and express life the way that feels natural.

SPEAKER_05 22:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:29

And then the part that wants to show up to a business meeting to make money and support my life. Right. Yeah. And those things could maybe come in conflict with each other.

SPEAKER_05 22:41

What feels natural to you?

SPEAKER_02 22:44

Feeling natural to me is when you're in a playful state of just complete like play. And just you know, just yeah, just being all encompassing, being like being free and being free to uh be impulsive and speak impulsively and just be um open. Now the uh thing that is hard to understand is how to be do that cons with cons be and be considerate.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:11

And so over time I've gotten better at reading and understanding when someone has checked out.

SPEAKER_05 23:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:19

It's the that been the hardest thing to do. Yeah. Right? So I don't know, that's one of those things I think that just um not having the self-doubt that I had before is a big thing. Removing the self-doubt has been the biggest encouraging uh thing of both my autism and um running a business. Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

That's a that's a master class coming up too, right? Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_05 23:46

And uh I know you should have a masterclass on that, but I know originally it took you a little bit to agree to do this podcast because you mentioned something along the lines of you didn't want to be known for being autistic, which makes complete sense. And then I will was over here like I'm ready to accept my full self. Here I am, world, I'm on the spectrum. That's all and so for you it was the complete opposite. Let's be casual, let's dial it down. Yeah, um and I feel like there was kind of a transition at a certain point for you during doing this podcast, like after the first season, and after even in a few episodes of doing this podcast, I saw this change in you with talking about being autistic in a way. I really um I don't know if you noticed it, but I definitely saw something switch.

SPEAKER_02 24:44

Yeah, the switch is that um we got an incredible, like even small community, but response to the first season, and I'm I like meeting I'm not I'm a very social person, I think considerably. Yeah, I do burn out pretty quickly, yeah. But I am really I like to meet new people.

SPEAKER_05 25:07

I think I beat you on that one. I burn out faster than you do.

Creative Flow As A Coping Tool

SPEAKER_03 25:11

It's it's at a tank flash level of speed.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

I'm more in the tank for sure, but like the point is that we've been meeting very interesting people, and it's like a almost like networking, it's feels like pretty natural, and the people that have been meant to come on have come on. I so yeah, that I like the kind of thing.

SPEAKER_05 25:29

I noticed too when Miles said when we were talking to Miles, um watch watch Miles episode, guys, because it's a really good one. It's a great time. Um about you know his um experiencing his seizures and things like that, and people bringing up especially dating scene, you know? Oh, you have that? Oh, and so even though they're completely different things and experiences, of course, being on the spectrum, you're like, oh, everyone knows I'm on the spectrum now. Is that going to affect cock block relations? Yeah, exactly. Is that gonna affect relationships and everything? And then over here, I'm on the part where I'm like, well, then this is me. Hi.

SPEAKER_02 26:19

Like you're also a woman, you can get it whenever you want.

SPEAKER_05 26:26

To be fair true, but also like I get very attached, and so it's just something I shy away from now.

SPEAKER_02 26:34

Of course, of course. The point is that like the acceptance because I accepted it a while ago, so it didn't feel like like that's was the difference. I met I kind of started to meet your level when I realized that that's not what it the podcast is about for me. It's about um um, it's about our guests, it's about like the revealing of these stories has been so interesting that I get to kind of disappear in their story. I get to like engulf their like.

SPEAKER_05 27:03

I think that's also too something we clash on a little bit from when I originally brought this up is we have very similar goals, but also we have our own goals within this podcast, and they're different because our experiences are completely opposite, and so it's understandable that we have I was at first like, Well, it's there left to explore, and you're like, There's everything to explore. I was like, What do you mean what's left to explore?

Teachers, Alternatives, And Persistence

SPEAKER_03 27:30

I was going to say for like it's been it's been a lot to absorb on my end. Um I I will say, like, the good thing that I've learned from you know having all these people onto the podcast is you and in my experience too, is you meet people who will accept you for who you are, and the people that don't accept you well they weren't meant to be in your circle, and that's perfectly fine. Like you'll know pretty quickly how to do it. Yeah, you'll you'll know at a heartbeat. Like, there was one day where I, and this is just to veer off for like a quick second, I went home back into Florida to visit um my family and my friends for a bit, and then I had this realization while we were at the bar, uh every single one of these people are on the spectrum. Every single one of my friends who I was at this bar with, I was like, all of these people are on the spectrum. This explains everything. Because I told Haley about this. I was like, this person's on the spectrum, my friend Jeanette, hi Jeanette, is on the spectrum. Um, they all have like their little knickknacks, and I'm like, I love this. This is great. They and it kind of just randomly happened, like we all had like our little connections in like the most random autistic way possible, and it was nice. So we should start a bar. Sure. The autistic bar.

SPEAKER_05 28:52

That's what we got from this. We should start a bar.

SPEAKER_02 28:54

I think we should start a bar. Can we have a cheers style opening? Sure.

SPEAKER_05 28:58

But also, I think it's good that we have different goals for this podcast. In the end, it it means that we're open to a lot more possibilities with our audience and what they see in us and what they can gather and get from the show because everyone else has a different viewpoint and a different place they're coming from too. So I think it makes us stronger. I was surprised that you brought up when you were ten and you said those words, and I was like, oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 29:28

Yeah, this was all new for me.

SPEAKER_05 29:31

I actually don't remember you ever telling me that before.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Oh yeah, I was like a I was so done. It's like, imagine being that done at of life with life at that age.

SPEAKER_05 29:41

Was that the powerful things about it? Was that was there any other point in time where you felt that way?

Reframing Identity And Confidence

SPEAKER_02 29:47

Oh, so many times. So plenty of plenty of times through my adolescence. I was I felt like I I was a scrawny little, you know, kid through high school. Yeah. I had so many outlets though. So if it wasn't for my music, I formed youth band, I formed bands, I played on the radio when I was 14. I got on the you know, I was doing all the music stuff. Yeah, I was had a band that was playing my songs and covers. We did like Aretha Franklin cover, we did like so many things. Yeah, but like the point is that like I had like that. So when middle school came around, it was like okay, I met some mentors. My mentor Spencer Burroughs uh helped me form these bands of like other talented kids, and that was crucial. If you don't have the activities and the way to pour your energy into, like, I was like, what am I doing? What am I doing if I don't have music and if I don't have these things? So I spent many summers obsessively focused on I built websites for people, I built, you know, I made music recordings, I made beats, I learned how to do the first version final cut, you know, when I was uh 13 for 14, you know, I was just starting to use all these things, yeah, and I was just going in and I would isolate and I would just do these things, and so part of my success is just me understanding what I wanted to do really young, and then not wanting to like and being a little bit of an outcast from the world, and not trying to convince yourself you wanted something different, though.

SPEAKER_05 31:23

Yeah, no, I think it was cool that you stuck to what you wanted.

SPEAKER_02 31:28

I stuck to what I wanted probably more than my mom expected me to. Yeah, my sister was a complete opposite. My sister was like, ice skating, horseback driving, dance, dance, ballet, Irish uh tap dancer. She was like the normal like child that will try all the things and activities and never really I was the opposite. I was like, I need to focus on that yeah, that's it. So like I yeah, so that would be like and that's a positive that's a very positive thing. So the reason I say like that about like okay, being suicidal, being like really just like I was like a tea kettle that was just always hot. Like that's what it was like. I was always on the edge of exploding into rage, and especially if I got back from school and I felt like I wasn't doing well in school, and I'd get back home and I'd just I'd break down crying, I'd just be in enraged, I'd be there'd be all the stimulus from home, and I'd just be so overwhelmed. And to top that off, the education system being like, you know, every teacher basically saying, telling you that you're wrong, that you did it incorrectly, that you need to be bumped down to class. I was intellectual enough to be in all the AP classes. I just whenever someone put a worksheet in front of me, I was like, I was slower, I slower processing speeds, and I was like, I was just not gonna do it justice. Um, so whenever a teacher would be like, Jackson, do you wanna you're in video production, do you want to just make a documentary about this one instead? I'm like, yes. And I did it, would do the best documentary for that subject. But I needed, you know, faculty, I need teachers like that that understood.

SPEAKER_05 33:11

And those teachers are are the greatest. Like to sit there and actually look at you and go, okay, they need something different. It's not it's not that they're not smart enough to do it.

Community, Acceptance, And Different Goals

SPEAKER_02 33:21

Yeah, I only had two phenomenal, like a few phenomenal teachers, and the best things that they did were let me be in the a little more independent, and then find what I was good at and um and and uh champion it, right? So I but otherwise I was breaking pencils, I would be sent tutor like a another student to go help me, yeah. And I was so I was so discouraged. I would stay home and I'd try to put things in front of the door so my mom couldn't take me to school. I was so ashamed of being a bad learner that I would want to actively play hooky, yeah, and I would be like, You're you have to fucking drag me out of here. I hate that place. I hate school. Yeah I hate it, mom, I hate it. Like I was so like, so my relationship with it's very complicated because I ended up getting a degree and like getting like going to college, yeah, and things got better, but there was always that nagging feeling of like you will never be academic, you will never be perceived as intelligent or intellectual, and you won't be any of those things, so just give up. Yeah, everyone's telling you to give up. Why haven't you done it yet? Yeah, it's funny.

SPEAKER_05 34:36

When I first met you too, and I know you've already you already went through all of the ups and downs and you know the experiences and got to this point where you are. But I remember when I first met you, I was like, geez, he's like phenomenally intelligent. Like that's one of the first things I thought about you. I was like, like, this guy, like all the things that he's doing, and it never really even occurred to me that you were on the spectrum because it just being on the spectrum wasn't on my radar, and at then I didn't even understand it um until much later. So, like, that's just how I naturally saw you.

SPEAKER_02 35:16

You yeah, when you go through that stuff, young thank you, by the way. That's very sweet. Yeah, when you go through that stuff, you understand you have a skewed image of yourself. So it takes a time to rebuild how you actually appear to people.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

Yeah, the world pretty much gaslights us into thinking that we are wrong. Yeah, that we can't achieve things.

SPEAKER_02 35:38

But definitely felt like I just found out that I'm handsome like two years ago. Yeah, and have you seen yourself, Jackson? But like that's the thing, is like it's like autistic. We should start a page called Autistic People Finding Out They're Hot. Yeah. But like in the comments.

SPEAKER_05 35:52

Have you ever gotten the comment um you're too good looking to be autistic or whatever?

SPEAKER_02 35:58

No, because guys don't get compliments like that. But yeah, wait, wait, wait for my episode. I've I've gotten it.

SPEAKER_05 36:05

And I was like, oh, why thank you?

SPEAKER_02 36:09

Uh I've heard a lot more of just the general statement. I wouldn't have known unless you, you know, told me. Well, it's like, of course, because you don't know what it looks like. Yeah. But like I wouldn't have you basically, which makes me feel kind of bad because it's like, oh, I maybe I just shouldn't have told you. To be fair that was a case.

SPEAKER_03 36:25

To be fair, autism and being on the spectrum is not well portrayed in media, and so everyone kind of thinks it's like, oh, house, or they're like Sherlock Holmes, quote unquote.

SPEAKER_05 36:37

Or you're incapable of doing what they want you to do, and they should probably just let you go. Right.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 36:45

Or they act so weird around you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:48

So learning that really young, you I there were so many moments I gave up on seeking accommodations.

SPEAKER_05 36:54

Because they don't happen, though. A lot of the time they don't.

SPEAKER_02 36:57

Either they don't happen or like they happen in a way that's just the most half-assed thing in the world. Yeah. Yeah. They just did the thing. Yeah.

Pain, Tourette’s, And Being Understood

SPEAKER_01 37:08

I uh uh having the time like this. Because like Jackson, I had no idea you had this kind of experience. Oh, this is really important. Yeah, for each of us. This is very eye-opening for us. We don't autistic foe don't get to go this deep.

SPEAKER_02 37:26

Oh, yeah. I could have gone deeper. I could have gone like to the depths of the soul. I could have gone to the Mariana French. Oh, bro, you read my mind. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 37:36

Maybe at some point you'll feel comfortable doing that.

SPEAKER_03 37:40

Baby steps. Baby steps.

SPEAKER_05 37:41

I was gonna say, like, I think as far as you went, I think that was really brave. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:47

I I will tell anyone about that dark stuff if they want to hear it. Yeah. I just, I'm also the type that doesn't want to completely burden or make anyone feel bad for me. Because I don't want that. I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want anyone, and I'm sure a lot of people would agree with that for themselves. Totally. I just want to people to understand that there's a um there is with the Tourette's added to that equation, there was a pain and suffering component. Right. Like a deep, dark pain suffering component that I don't know if a lot of people understand about these things because they think of it as the surface level thing.

SPEAKER_05 38:27

Uh when when it is it's actually I really do understand though when you're trying to get that across is you really cannot fully help someone cut and it's frustrating. You can't help them fully comprehend what you mean that you don't really try to because then it just sounds like you're trying to get attention or whatever it is when you're just trying to simply get them to know what you mean.

SPEAKER_03 38:51

Yeah, the message, exactly.

SPEAKER_05 38:53

And the words you're saying don't really compute. Well, it it's more so the words aren't strong enough, they're not powerful enough.

unknown 39:02

Yeah.

From Suffering To Self-Determination

SPEAKER_02 39:02

Yeah, and today I kind of gave you the the context for how yeah powerful I felt about it and how like horrible horrifying it was. So yeah, but but then again, you know, success story, because uh I think you've got to my last thing I'm gonna say is over time, if you have any of these things, they are character building experiences, they are things that you can take with you and actually turn them into good things, yeah, as opposed to just stewing in the fact that you have this thing. Right. So our thing is not to stew in the fact that this is a this, this, or this, it's to like empower people because you need you you have control over your the there's a certain levers and certain levels of control, dependent on where you're at, that you can start having in your life. Yeah, whatever level that is, that's true. So we we I don't want anyone to ever feel like these things that you've done are the are the reason to could further disable yourself or further succumb to a societal view of yourself, right? Um so just be you and be comfortable being you, and also if you've had these experiences to work on your self-doubt and to work on your ability to see your value in the world, because you have a lot of it. Value yourself, value yourself more not I'm gonna say more than others, but value yourself to a point where you can be successful, you can make money. Yeah, I think we've had a lot of people with potentially that we haven't delved into with kind of confidence issues because of how overbearing some of these feelings and like things can be. So we wanna, you know, I I personally my outcome is to have people living confident careers or confident um bit like self-owned businesses or like you know, that's so specific.

SPEAKER_05 41:03

Cell phone business. A cell phone business.

SPEAKER_03 41:06

Self-owned okay.

SPEAKER_05 41:10

You're talking to people who have auditory processing disorders.

SPEAKER_03 41:15

We're gonna create a new uh phone company. I'm very confused for a moment. I'm saying specifically a Mom Kia? Yeah, okay. We're gonna bring back the Nokia uh flip phone and it's gonna be able to survive. Augustistic people are gonna have this in the mall. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_05 41:32

Right under I've honestly felt like I don't fit in any job unless it's in film or and the the one that I fit absolutely most in or felt like actually worked for me was when I was in front of a camera acting.

SPEAKER_03 41:48

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 41:50

Then I could go forever. So you shouldn't.

SPEAKER_03 41:55

We do it. We'll go forever. Yeah, and ever and ever and ever.

SPEAKER_05 41:59

If someone casts me.

SPEAKER_03 42:00

You're gonna get cast one day. Oh, yeah. You can cast yourself. Exactly. Yeah, you're you're doing a thing. You're doing great. There's there's lots of things. It's not a race. It's sorry, it's not a race, it's a marathon. A very good thing.

SPEAKER_02 42:14

It's a race to the bottom, it's a quick race to the bottom.

SPEAKER_03 42:16

Yeah, exactly. We're gonna go to the Marionish trench, and then somewhere we're gonna circle back to the Titanic. Exactly. Yes? Yes.

SPEAKER_02 42:24

Hashtag OceanGate.

SPEAKER_03 42:27

All right, well, Rose could have share the door.

SPEAKER_05 42:31

That was this episode of the podcast. Thank you, Jackson. Oh, thank you. Sharing your heart with us. We got a little deep.

SPEAKER_03 42:38

Yep. And Mariana's trench deep.

SPEAKER_05 42:42

We definitely learned some things about you that I didn't even know.

SPEAKER_03 42:46

Thank you for sharing, Brad.

SPEAKER_05 42:48

That was great.

SPEAKER_02 42:48

I appreciate it. And uh you stay tuned, everyone. We're gonna reveal the deepest and darkest secrets about Haley and Terrence. Oh boy.

SPEAKER_05 42:58

Okay.

Closing Reflections And Next Steps

SPEAKER_02 43:00

Hey everyone, thank you so much for tuning in to the audio only version of the NeuroFucked Podcast. Um, I guess that's classically what a podcast is, but regardless, hope you are doing well. If you made it to the end of this episode, make sure to visit neurofucked podcast.com. We can go back and see all the episodes, find it on all your favorite podcast platforms. Not only that, click donate, neurofucked podcast.com slash donate. Um, pay what you can, pay what you will, what you want. And the reason we have it up there is because we're volunteer only. Gotta help on our podcast to produce, and we're planning to turn this whole thing into a live streamed podcast. We have a lot of the resources, but what you can help is pay for our snacks, our lunches. Uh make sure the crew and cast and hosts are fed, and everyone. Doing well, so if you like the podcast, if you feel like it gives something to you and it benefits you in any way, as we grow, feel free to visit that part of our site. We'd love to see it, we'd love to have you there. Um, especially if this brings you value, which we hope it does. So, from all of us at the Neurofunct Podcast, enjoy the next episode, sign it off.