Batman, Trauma, And Turning Pain Into Purpose

A comic book panel can change a life. When Havon first read Batman’s vow to confront injustice, it echoed the promise he made to himself after childhood trauma: turn pain into protection. That moment of recognition shaped everything—from the move from Atlantic City’s “Gotham” energy to Los Angeles, to the choice to act, write, and build community as a neurodivergent creative.

We get candid about the lies that linger—like “too ugly for the camera”—and how a single teacher’s note can crack them open. Vaughn shares how a scene-study critique snowballed into real opportunities, why feedback lands differently when identity is grounded, and what it takes to keep moving when fear says stop. We also pull back the curtain on autistic and ADHD time: writing “wake,” “SST,” and meals into a daily plan; preventing burnout in chaotic workplaces; and asking for the one thing that fixes most misfires—clear deliverables with “what by when.”

The heart of this conversation beats in sound. Lyrics may blur, but one melodic phrase can steady a nervous system. We talk sensory triggers (styrofoam, sharpies), ocean nights as therapy, and the way scores and chillhop become intentional tools, not background noise. Havon's upcoming short, The Sounds South of Heaven, tells an undiagnosed child’s world through sound design and silence, pairing a tense, No Country for Old Men mood with a deeply personal audio point of view.

Relationships get the same honest treatment: people-pleasing, boundary setting, and the pain of exits without explanations. We trade scripts for repair, and we permission the let-go when closure never arrives. Through it all, Vaughn’s mother’s steady attention—spotting patterns, honoring rituals, speaking film—shows how parental attunement can literally save a life.

If you’re navigating creativity with a neurodivergent brain, or love someone who is, this story offers practical scaffolds, vivid artistry, and the reminder that resilience often starts with one note you decide to follow. If it moved you, subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review so others can find the show.

Transcript

Season Two Kickoff & Guest Intro

SPEAKER_05 0:00

Hello everybody, welcome to the NeuroFucks Podcast. I am your host, Haley Olivia, and then we have this other host right over here. What is your name?

SPEAKER_04 0:09

The other host, Jackson Rosa, and we're so excited to have you today. It's season two. Haley, are you excited as I am?

SPEAKER_05 0:16

I am, but I'm trying not to be as excited while we're filming.

SPEAKER_04 0:20

We're trying to tone down our excitement, and it's really hard. It's personal.

SPEAKER_05 0:25

Yeah, I giggle so much. Do you know how hard it was for Jackson to edit? And I get to edit this season, so I'm not laughing as much.

SPEAKER_04 0:32

Yeah, we're gonna We're making some changes around here. Okay, let's enjoy the episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

It's time for NeuroF podcast with your host, Jackson Rosa, that mischievous motherfucker. Haley Olivia, what's your name, girl? You on the spectrum and Terrence. We've got autism, ADHD, OCD, all the Ds. We got stories and artists from all walks of life. It's time to get f neurologically.

unknown 1:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:07

Let's intro the show here.

SPEAKER_05 1:09

Yeah, of course. Okay. Thank you, Jackson. I've become a robot now. Um so we have the wonderful um Vaughn here with us. He calls himself the black Bruce Wayne. He's a writer, he's an actor, and we're so excited to have him here. Um, is there anything you would like to say about yourself?

SPEAKER_01 1:33

Oh, we were just talking about this. Like, say something about yourself. I know. Not the malfunction, like I have words to do. I have two ones that you recently discovered.

SPEAKER_05 1:46

You're going, okay, I know a lot about myself, but in this moment I don't know a lot about myself.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

As soon as someone asks you.

SPEAKER_05 1:53

Um what do you mean when you say talk about myself? Like, do you want to know all my trauma? Exactly. Or do you just want like some factual information about um Batman?

SPEAKER_04 2:05

Well, this is where the actually asking good questions comes into play. So and so Wow.

SPEAKER_03 2:12

I did ask him a question.

SPEAKER_04 2:13

You did ask him a question, but we need let's get a little, let's go, you know, we'll get a little so how did when did your uh love of Batman begin? No pun intended.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

Oh, I was like, that was beautiful. Um okay, so uh something traumatic happened to me at a young age.

Trauma, Batman, And A Personal Oath

SPEAKER_05 2:29

Yep, here we go.

SPEAKER_01 2:30

That's what that's what I said. Don't worry, I won't I, you know, I I want people to keep listening, so I won't I won't say it, but and I was it was a very young age, and I didn't have I felt anybody to talk to or vent to, and it to this day I realize like you know that that event when I was a child when I was six years old, it it had changed me how I was. And I remember after this this event, I remember I I I know it sounds corny, but this is genuinely what it was. I I was like, yeah, I'm gonna make sure like if if I see anybody that's in pain or hurt or anybody needs someone, I'm gonna be there in any way that I can. And it wasn't until but I was like, oh, I'm just a weirdo, you know. Everybody's at where I'm from, everybody is takes pride in being tough and being distant, in you know, not having emotions, not being sentimental. So I was in a comic book store and I just picked up a Batman comic, and like he said something that was just very similar to that. Is like when he saw his parents get killed, he was just like, I'm gonna take an oath that I am never again I'm gonna be in a place like where I can't do something, and if I see any wrong in doing any injustice, I will do something about it. And I was like, I underst this is somebody I understand. It was a it was the first time I felt seen and understood.

SPEAKER_04 3:48

So like an immediate connection to the material. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

Oh yeah. And just he he was the he understood, I think, even to this day, more than anybody I know, that there are just certain things that happen to you as a child that you can't change and you can't get over. But you don't have to keep it as a negative, you can use that to be positive or try your best to make it as a positive and to make sure that no one else goes through the same thing that you went through.

SPEAKER_04 4:16

So yeah, exactly. Flipping something that has happened and like turning it into that energy or something that could turn into rage or turn into bitterness into an actual thing that helps the world.

SPEAKER_05 4:27

Which definitely speaks a lot to your character, that's for sure. Um that you turned that around and like yeah, that just says how how passionate, how empathetic, how loving of a person that you are. I kind of just gathered that from before I even actually met you. I was like, oh, this guy is really cool. Because I do I I saw like all the things you were posting and how Galen spoke about you and things like that, and I was like, okay, yeah, I think he would be perfect to be on this show. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

I really appreciate you saying that.

SPEAKER_05 5:02

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Yeah. Welcome to the club.

SPEAKER_05 5:06

Welcome, welcome. You can never leave.

SPEAKER_04 5:08

We have we also were starting our membership fees, no one's over there. What do you think my suitcase was for? I'm down. So tell us about the age that that was, and then like what where are you from originally? What was your background?

SPEAKER_01 5:24

I'm originally from Atlantic City. I call it Gotham all the time. But yeah, uh fitting.

SPEAKER_05 5:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Oh, yeah. It's uh because Atlantic City, at least I didn't realize that my upbringing and things that I experienced, things that I witnessed, I didn't realize that it was not normal. I didn't realize that it was extreme until years later when because you think your experiences are universal, and then you hear someone else say, like, that's not normal at all. And like, and I saw things and it went through things that a kid should not go through and experience. And I think uh, but um I wouldn't change it. I had a very fun, funny, fucked up life.

SPEAKER_04 6:08

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

But it's helped like me be the person that I am.

Growing Up In “Gotham” Atlantic City

SPEAKER_04 6:13

I think the thing about having fucked up experiences is that you create actual character in someone. Like, so it's like I'm not saying that someone is should be forced to go through any horrible experiences, but to be in an environment that has a lot of characters, that has a lot of different odd individuals or types of people. Um, and also my my thing about that is like I think from a character creation standpoint, you know, if you're a writer, you you know, you draw from meeting the most insane people on this planet. I mean, personally I do. Uh when I've done film work, I think that that is like you just pull from like these random experiences. You build characters based on a few people that you've met uh over the years or whatever. But do you feel like that's anything? Do you ever do that from your experiences in Atlantic City?

SPEAKER_01 7:01

Oh my god, yes, all the time. Um I I I wrote this uh this hood film that I'm turning into a hood TV show, and it was based on my adolescence. And I I remember um I I had a table read for it, and people were like, Oh, these are such interesting characters and stuff. Like they're like, you know, where did you come up with it? And I was like, obviously, the you know the artistic license for like you know the plot and like you know what's going on, that's all me. But I was like, these are all inspired from actual people, you know, um, from the villains, from the heroes to like the dynamics and stuff like that, and it's yeah, I mean, one could argue like everybody has an interesting story, whether they know it or not. Um, and I feel like you can pull that from anything, but I I feel like this is probably the most arrogant thing I'll say. When someone is interesting, you can put them in a dynamic with anybody, that's still automatically gonna be an interesting dynamic. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 7:53

Well, yeah, that it it it it's not offensive to say that, it's just the truth. Yeah, yeah. Um, if some like and I mean your ability, like what you're doing here with creating this script and using people really like people you already know, like that's how you're able to write them. Um you can create characters, that's cool, but it's always gonna come from your experiences and people's behavior and the way they act, and things that even if it's subconscious, um, they're all going to be also a part of yourself, and they're all gonna have a piece of your personality in them too. That's how you connect to them and write them well.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

Yeah, I I think I I just saw Fantastic Four, I think at the end, like there was like a quote I think by Jack Kirby, I think, where he mentions like, yeah, a piece of me is in all of my characters. Yeah. So yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:48

When did you um find a way out of Southern California and tell us a little more about like what what you know when you got into um performance and then also writing?

SPEAKER_01 8:58

So uh I had seen Wonder Woman with this girl that we were sweet on each other for years, and we had seen Wonder Woman, we came back, and I dropped her off at her house, and so I was like, yo, that was a great movie, and she was like, Yeah. And so she was like, We should run away together. I was like, where do you want to go? I was down. Your eyes are like, Yeah, I was like, let's do it. There's nothing there's nothing left here for me and Gotham.

SPEAKER_05 9:24

And so uh I was like You're like, we're playing on the story still. My whole life is the story.

SPEAKER_01 9:30

Oh yeah, so she was like, LA, and I was like, Well, that's where I want my career to go anyway. I want to write, and she wants to get a tan. I I don't know what her stakes were. Her stakes are a little lower.

SPEAKER_06 9:41

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

So we uh I had gotten two other side jobs, I saved up all my money, and um I I got enough money and I saved enough that I I got in like an apartment out here, everything like that, everything was all set up, and at the last minute she she she didn't go. And I I begged her. I was like, I can't do this alone. I was like, I don't have the emotional strength to do that. I was like, I need a cheerleader, I need someone that's in the trenches with me. I was like, I was like, I'll fail if I go out there, and I begged her for like an hour.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

An hour.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

I took her to a special place, like a place like I I go to the beach at night, uh, at least back home, uh, because my senses are just like they're both like relaxed but heightened. It's it's definitely what you're talking about. Okay, so yeah. So and she basically says she had to go with the devil that she knew. And I think a lot of people feel that and think that, but she just happened to be saying it out loud. So I actually came here thinking I was gonna fail. And it was in 2017. I'm thinking I was like, okay, I'm just gonna jump in the deep end of the pool. I'm like, might as well just try everything. I'm like, I'm gonna be going back with my tail between my legs. Ironically enough, never went back. I never I I thought I was I thought I was gonna last here like a month.

SPEAKER_05 10:56

Not everyone is built for that though. Um, not everyone, and that's okay. Um, if you want to stay where you always were, if you want simple, that's perfectly fine. It's your life. It's actually not fine. But Jackson, no way. Um we're being sentimental here. I know you can't. Or empathetic, yeah. Yes. And I know you're not.

SPEAKER_04 11:18

I'm very empathetic. I just want to judge people that stay in their hometowns.

SPEAKER_05 11:22

But anyways, where I was because I'm very ADHD and now I am off the track. Where was I?

Writing From Real People And Wild Lives

SPEAKER_01 11:28

You're saying that it's okay for people to like stay where they're cute.

SPEAKER_05 11:32

Yeah. Yeah, and and it's okay, but you, even though you were scared, you still did it anyways, and it was a process of you going, I can't do it, I can't do it, but your feet are still moving. Yes. Um, and that was me and my sister too. Um, I'm sure all of us have experienced that feeling, you know, of of um being terrified, but still doing it anyways. And a lot I know a lot of the greats uh that we look up to who have been successful in the business were like I was absolutely terrified, and I still am sometimes. Yeah, but I don't stop, and that's what bravery is, right?

SPEAKER_04 12:09

So yeah, and and the more you think about it, it's like it's just all is your mind is your your mind is like you know, in survival mode, you know, you you and your mind are both in survival mode, but at the end of the day, you're you are tricking yourself into thinking that it's you're going to die by doing it. Like it's like you know, when I that survival instinct kicks in, you either go through there or you don't. And I think yeah, sink or swim, but like, but also you what what actually happens if you okay, what is the worst thing that happens you move back? Like, that's actually not the if you really think about it, death is probably the worst thing that you could do when you're in survival mode.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

So but I'm still thinking, I'm I'm thinking like at the because my mom at the time was like, you know, what what do you like? Are you thinking you're gonna be okay? I'm like, no, I'm probably gonna end up giving hand jobs for pizza money somewhere.

SPEAKER_04 12:59

I love Does your mom la did your mom laugh at that? Or did she I got my humor from that? That's good. Okay, yeah. Well, that's good. I I also have a morbid and dirty sense of humor too. So yeah.

SPEAKER_05 13:10

Oh yeah, so we can just fly high here.

SPEAKER_04 13:11

Well, yeah, keep going. I'm trying to make sure I'm trying to make sure Haley feels comfortable, let off some, you know, but anyway, so we so basically what you're saying um about that is um I just wanted to add that like um the phrase uh take the leap and the path will appear means a lot. And uh well, friend of mine, one of the friends that was on this podcast, um, I think that's a reason I I you know I grew my business. Like I literally like moved into here to this place. I escaped the roommate life, you know. Like I basically got, you know, I I I as opposed to staying in the comfort zone, or that what do you call it? The post-college comfort zone where you know you're hanging out with similar people, or you're this or that, and you're not really going anywhere. You were going places, but you're going there like with the wrong uh people. Um, anyway, point is that take the leap, the path will appear as opposed to thinking you're gonna take the leap and fall.

SPEAKER_05 14:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

I mean, I I I I'm I still am grateful for her because without her, I would not have even thought to come here. She was my motivation. So I mean, maybe that was just her purpose. I mean, and maybe I would like to believe that she may maybe she just realized, like, hey, like, that's that's his path, not mine. And I'm hoping, you know, whatever she's doing now, like, if I could ever see her, say something to her, it'd be like, yo, thank you. Because without her, I I would not have been here. I would have been complacent.

SPEAKER_04 14:37

Shout out, if you end up watching this podcast. That's her name. That was her nickname. Nice. Well, I think that's good. I mean, that's good. It's a positive outlook on it. You probably heard a lot at the f at the start.

SPEAKER_05 14:47

But like, that's like and um and our our travels here, because you're a native to LA, so not California. Well, California, not LA, sorry. So he's Northern California.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 15:02

Um, I'm from the East Coast, so I'm from Florida.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

I'm from oh, Jersey, yeah, obviously. Jersey.

SPEAKER_05 15:08

You're like, you're from Jersey? Yeah. Oh, wait. That's what I process when I hear East Coast.

SPEAKER_04 15:11

I'm like, New York, Jersey. Do people actually say East Coast when they say Florida, though? Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. That's why I got excited. I was like, but that was me being narcissistic. I'm like, she's from where I'm from.

SPEAKER_05 15:23

No, you just got excited. It's okay to get excited, Jackson.

SPEAKER_04 15:27

Florida, just you just say Florida when you're from Florida.

The Leap To LA And Facing Fear

SPEAKER_03 15:29

You're not included in the East Coast.

SPEAKER_04 15:33

What part of Florida?

SPEAKER_05 15:34

Um I'm just gonna say Orlando.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Um that's I'm more of an Orlando than a Miami guy.

SPEAKER_05 15:46

I'm I don't even like Miami. I went there and I was like, like, there's a lot of raw really beautiful culture there, but like it's just not my place and I was never a partier. So here we go.

SPEAKER_04 15:56

Too pale for Miami. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_05 15:58

I saw your face over there getting closer to to say something.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Too pale for Miami.

SPEAKER_05 16:05

I'm pale.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

I'm gonna say I'm the same, not too pale for Miami, but I'm not gonna drink. I'm not too pale for Miami.

SPEAKER_05 16:11

You're waiting, oh, same. I'm pale too.

SPEAKER_04 16:14

We can be pale again. I don't drink either, so yeah. So it's almost like I'm I'm more of an Orlando guy, but yeah, can you draw if I'm sorry? Orlando makes sense.

SPEAKER_05 16:22

I was still drinking in Jackson.

SPEAKER_04 16:25

We all talk, and these are all how conversations work. Things happen, people say things, and then you keep going. I like to bully her a little bit. That's hard to handle.

SPEAKER_05 16:36

You look slightly worried person.

SPEAKER_04 16:38

So I'm like, I'm like like um, how do you put it? I'm like um like like trolling level, condescending, you know, just slightly condescending, but it's a character, you know. It's not me. We have fun here. Well, I have fun here. Listen, listen. I yeah, exactly. And I can always tell someone to leave my apartment.

SPEAKER_01 16:59

That's the power of paying red. Paying mortgages. You can always say get out. Get out. If you don't like it, get out. No, I love Orlando, so like I I'm a Disney freak, so I'm a Disney dork.

SPEAKER_05 17:13

Yeah, that's your point to me.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

You're like I'm like, look, Disney freak.

SPEAKER_04 17:17

We could be Disney dorks, you know.

SPEAKER_05 17:19

Oh yay. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_04 17:21

I'm like, I'm like a middle of the road, like I'm like neutral on it. Yeah, I'm healthy. Exactly.

SPEAKER_05 17:27

That's the terminology is also you're healthy.

SPEAKER_04 17:29

I am. I actually have a party trick that I used to do at parties, which was that I could just look at someone in the face and tell if they were a Disney freak or not. Yeah. People that's paused.

SPEAKER_05 17:40

Do you never knew that? But what did you do when you tell me? What is the test?

SPEAKER_04 17:43

So I knew that you were because uh because I did the test on Sarah too once. But it's a read. You literally just look at someone in the face and you just like and you say, I can tell if anyone's, you know. And then do you cheat? Do you or do you like starting to do that? No, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Just be our guest in the face.

SPEAKER_03 17:58

Finish the song. There's two there's two levels to it.

SPEAKER_04 18:01

I'll give you the there's a little bit of there's a little bit of like there's two sides to it. There's one's the expressions that they show naturally through excitement, is how I tell. The other one is the the pain in their eyes. And the third thing is and the third thing is like essentially if you say I'm really good at this is my party trick, and then you tell them what it is, I can tell if anyone's a Disney freak or not, and then you also kind of judge how they react to that too. But it's part it's all combined in that, and then I can just I can just tell, and I'm like, I was accurate like 99% of the time. That is a really cool trick. And there's two, there's three levels there's Disney Freak, there's Middle of the Road, like I I can live I you know, I'm I'm I like the some of the classics, and then there's like you know, anti. And the antis are actually harder to to read, but there's um, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:56

Anyways.

SPEAKER_01 18:58

Well, they go back to Florida. Go back to Florida. My favorite place on Earth is Universals in uh Universal Studios in Florida. That is my favorite place on Earth.

SPEAKER_04 19:06

I really want to go. You should. Yeah, I've actually never been to Florida, so in general.

SPEAKER_05 19:10

Anyways, there was a there was a question that I wanted to ask before we completely sidetracked here. Um it was what we were originally talking about. Time expectancy and getting places and yeah, and how that is being in performing but also being neurodivergent and everything, and how you process time differently. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

So I got into performing that. I mean, I've told this story probably at nauseum, ad nauseum.

SPEAKER_05 19:43

Um we haven't heard it, so it's okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

Alright, so I feel better. All right, thank you so much. So when I was a kid, I believe I was watching Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom, and I was I was like, oh, I want to be like short round, I want to I want to be an actor. I I believe it was that it was either that or it was a kid show, somewhere where there was a kid in it. And so when I said I wanted to be an actor, my father was like, Oh, well, you're too ugly to be in front of a camera. And my brain, my autistic brain didn't even process, oh, he's being cruel. I'm just saying, oh, he's just telling me a fact. So I'm just like, oh, okay, I'm I'm I'm ugly, so I can't I can I can't do that. So I acting was something I always kind of wanted to do, but it was just obviously laid dormant because I'm thinking, I'm like, oh I I I'm unable to do this. And it wasn't until college um where a professor of mine, uh, because I went to school for playwriting and screenwriting, and so they wanted you to take all facets of film. So you had to take like acting for the stage, acting for the screen. And my professor, she pulls me to the side after I was done my midterm, which you had to do a monologue. And she was like, hey, like, you know, I uh she was best friends with my mentor, and she was like, Oh yeah, Bruce has told me uh like he's he's he's shown me your work, and you're I I really do like your writing. She's like Bruce, I know, isn't it great? Of course, my mentor is named Bruce. That's probably half the reason why I chose him as my mentor.

SPEAKER_05 21:00

Um but uh he uh You're like it's it's my hyperfixation. It's a sign, it's a sign.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

He's like, I'm not I'm not a writer, it's like it has nothing to do with that. But no, so she says to me, uh, but I like you're really great at performing. Have you ever entertained acting? And I said, Yeah, every day. She was like, Well, maybe you should pursue it. I was like, Oh, I can't. She's like, What what do you mean? And I'm looking at her like, you, you know, and she's like, No, I don't. I was like, I'm I'm ugly. And she's like, Oh my god, sweetheart, no. She was like, You're not ugly. And she was like, And even if you were, there's a place for you in Hollywood anyway. Um, and ever since so I kind of had that story with me. And when I got here, I'm thinking, I'm like, it was 2017, so I'm like 28. And I'm thinking, I'm gonna be a rebel. I'm gonna, I'm gonna act in something. Um because uh and it was this scene study at C Sun, I believe. It was a scene study, and what they didn't tell the actors, I mean, I obviously I auditioned. It was like a good will hunting reenactment. And what they didn't tell you is that all the filmmakers, when you're done your scene, they critique it. Some actors couldn't even handle it. People walked out, people were upset. I'm thinking, I'm like, well, I can only get better if they tell me, like, you know, what it is. I mean, unless, you know, they're saying something just mean like, oh, like that was a bad scene, and I think you have a small penis. I'm like, that's not necessary. You're like, you're like, here's the line.

SPEAKER_03 22:26

Here's the line that I've appeared.

SPEAKER_04 22:28

This is where the line is, this is where you are. So before this point, have you ever been in a session like that before? So you didn't so you didn't know about like the feedback process or anything? Yeah, not at all. So you had this amount you were like, oh, this could be like horrifying or horrible. I thought it could be helpful, actually. Or helpful. So you had a positive outlook, which was good. So tell what happened.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

I was like, I'd never done it before. So I was like, of course I'm gonna suck at this. So I go and me and my scene partner, I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna go for it. I'm just gonna jump at the deep end of the pool. Kind of like me coming to Cali. I'm like, I might as well just give it my all and say that I gave an honest effort. There was a pause. No one said anything bad about it. They they they said they loved it. And I had these college, these future filmmakers coming up to me saying, like, hey, can you audition for my for my short film for this and the third? And I'm like, I was like so touched. I was like, let me keep trying. And it just one thing led to another, and it kind of just in a positive way. It snowballed.

SPEAKER_04 23:25

That's awesome. That's incredible.

SPEAKER_05 23:31

Is crazy and crazy that your dad would say that about you also.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

That was one of the nicest things he had ever done. That's to show you how not a good of a person he was.

SPEAKER_05 23:41

Yeah, that's like that's he was pretty bad. I think that deserves that experience, but I'm really glad you met that teacher who looked at you, and you even didn't even say what that you thought you were ugly. You just looked at her like, oh, it's obvious. Why do you why would you think I could be an actor? It's because I'm ugly. Yeah, yeah. And I it's not like and my experience is completely different from yours, but I definitely understand growing up thinking you're ugly, because I thought I was ugly my entire childhood, and it's not that my parents were telling me I was ugly. It was me having a twin sister who I love dearly. I'm so close to her, but she was always seen as prettier, she was always seen as more. Are you okay? Wrong. Do you need water?

SPEAKER_04 24:28

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, just is like all good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll go. No, I've been yeah, I've been wrong piped before.

SPEAKER_05 24:38

Um I'm gonna use that. That's my question. I've been wrong piped.

SPEAKER_03 24:42

Sounds gonna get it. Sounds horrible. But yeah, your sister used to be.

SPEAKER_05 24:46

She was always she was sorry. She was always seen as um prettier and more desirable than me. That I literally did not realize I wasn't as ugly as I thought I was until I was 26 years old.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

So you do understand.

SPEAKER_05 25:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're like no, not to the level of you. I will say my experience is different, but I do get feeling you can't get cast or do things. Like I thought I wasn't being cast because I was just extremely ugly.

SPEAKER_04 25:14

So not just because it was you're a bad actress. No, no, no, no. I'm just gonna No, I'm gonna fight eventually. I'm just gonna hear punches and strange things. No, no, no. Haley is Haley is absolutely talented and she's way too hard on herself sometimes. So she's she's super talented. But I just want to say, yeah, because I always like this is my sense of humor. So yeah, but like, yeah, just let me clarify, I'm not an asshole. But like we essentially at the beginning of everything. I guess Fine Print Jackson's playing up a little bit of a character. So essentially, like I was talking to my friend the other day, and this has to do with like, you know, he's like, Yeah, I've just met a lot of autistic people that are just finding out that they're hot in their 30s, you know. I'm like, or like having a glow up or having some sort of thing or I'm hot or no, but Haley, you're a realistic idea of where I am. Yeah, yeah, no, but that's not the point is that like the point is that it doesn't matter like someone out like there's a lot of guys out there that think you're hot, right? There's just like there's women out there who want um my type, and there's women out there that want, you know, you know something. But there's a thing that like is built in when you have discovered that you have some sort of ailment or that you think that you have something that's really crushed your confidence or the viewpoint of yourself. So what I mean by that is like, no, like people like there's some, you know, people that are just waking up and realizing, oh, I can I like am attractive to people.

SPEAKER_06 26:41

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

I think it's because, well not just because, but I think just like you said with your experience, we autistic people we're because we're observant, we're seeing what people are usually drawn to. We're watching that TV that's telling us like this is what's attractive with this personality, with this face, they walk like this, they sound like this, they think like this. And we're thinking like, at least for me, I was like, Well, I don't sound like that, I don't walk like that, I don't talk like that. And we're told that we have to be babysat. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 27:08

We're told that we're like I'm babysat.

SPEAKER_05 27:11

Well, I mean, sometimes I have to, but like he he texted he texted us this morning um the in the group chat for our podcast, Terrence and I, please make sure that you remove everything from your back seat so you have room to put the desk in. We were like, thank you, Jackson.

SPEAKER_04 27:30

Well, yeah, no, I'm just you know, just our helpful reminders, like, you know, like um if you're done with the drink, throw it out. Or if you're like, you know, if you're I'm so bad. You know what? So the other day, because I uh I used to be even more horrible with that. Yeah, yeah. He's he's no, so I basically like so yesterday when you came over, we worked on the set a little bit. Uh we did the the new sign here. It was wonderful. Uh Haley put this wonderful circle together, purple circle. Uh, but essentially we um she asked for a drink. I'm like, oh, get you a drink. She left, and there was like two sips taken out of the top. I was like, uh, I should have actually sent you home with it, but still He sent me home with two new drinks and a snack. Yeah, yeah. That's what I mean by like bothering me.

SPEAKER_05 28:18

Before I left, he's like, here, let me let me get you some snacks. And do you want this drink? Okay, here's another drink for you.

SPEAKER_04 28:25

And then I was like, make sure to have lunch before our next session.

SPEAKER_05 28:29

I forget to eat. Are you do you forget to eat?

SPEAKER_01 28:32

I it's so I I do. I I I only eat when I'm starving rather than when I'm hungry. I don't even I don't think I can describe somebody what hunger feels like. I know what starving feels like.

SPEAKER_05 28:44

I yes, yes. Like I my like your brain doesn't register your hungry unless it's like your stomach is cramping. Yeah. Like I don't register any of it, and that's why I'm always hungry wherever I am. I thought it was like Yeah, and it's frustrating because you're like, I thought I just didn't I eat something? Why do I feel so terrible right now?

SPEAKER_04 29:06

So Haley knows this about me, but like when it comes to scheduling, like I basically had to like take a very serious approach to it and just I write on my whole day. So I write on my whole day from like I I I even write wake on my thing, like, oh like I'm not gonna wake up tomorrow. Like I write wake, like you know, someone will know exactly. I literally write weight.

SPEAKER_05 29:26

Well I didn't wake up, it was the sketch.

SPEAKER_04 29:28

I have one that's SST, shower shave, teeth, right, you know, cleanup. I have one that's like um lunch, dinn dinner, right? I put it all in the thing because I have contracts and I'm working doing a bunch of stuff. So you need to add back in the basics because I you know, I think that like my brain will get so hyper focused in whatever thing I'm doing that and I do one thing at a time that you need to like basically like have your next seven days have your day written out.

Beauty, Casting, And Autistic Self-Image

SPEAKER_05 29:58

And so yeah, and that's what makes every like does ever anyone have issues when it comes like I know Jackson discussed it with me um working in an office environment or any really working for any company as someone who's on the spectrum is so hard that you burn out within the first like three months.

SPEAKER_01 30:18

I because go ahead and say because you got it. No, you said because I I you're probably gonna take the words right out of my mouth.

SPEAKER_05 30:28

I forgot what I was gonna say, so go right ahead.

SPEAKER_01 30:31

Oh, I feel like you're cheating. I feel like you remember, but I can't prove it. I don't know you're not so office job or no office job. I was like, I can't work in a regular nine to five because of like so I used to work in a spa. I do miss the simplicity of it because customer interaction was very minimal. Because they're just they're literally there to relax. But like there's certain things that that go into jobs that like I don't have like that over tending to. I I don't have that because I I know this is probably an issue that I have is like because I know that I'm very simple. When I go somewhere, I'm like, just give me my things and leave me alone. So I would assume somebody else is the same way, but a lot of people like they want you to be like, Do you need this? Do you do do you need do you need that? Do you do you need a drink? Do you need a towel? You need me to tickle your balls? Like, like they say all these things.

SPEAKER_04 31:26

Maybe you do better in Europe if that were the case, you know. Like, because they're just like, okay, food, yeah, there you go, they go away forever, you know.

SPEAKER_05 31:33

But yeah, my my child, my my boss like texts me a lot, and there is a lot of chaos because it's the nature of the industry, so you don't have the ability to plan anything or have any sort of consistency.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

The only good thing that I can do for them is like I do like making order out of chaos, but like when someone, when I have to like, I don't I don't say regulate someone's emotions, but I guess when I have to pander to it, I don't know how to do it. Like, I mean, when a customer's upset, I I give them a solution, but they don't want that. They want they want extra subscribers.

SPEAKER_04 32:07

So like dealing with a girlfriend.

SPEAKER_06 32:10

All right.

SPEAKER_03 32:11

Jack's just trying to make sure I get single. No, no, no, listen, let's left it. Come on. This guy, no, this guy's great to everybody.

SPEAKER_04 32:22

No, no, no. No, it's true. Though it's like it's a communication style thing. That's a that's a lot of people say that. It's not just me. It's just a thing where if someone's asking you for um to be emotionally involved in the conversation versus to find like to be solution seeking. Yeah, so it's it's a it's I I think that's just a skill that can be developed over time. It's just not so natural.

SPEAKER_05 32:44

Yeah, you know, it's but it's also very conflicting in work environments. Um, are you are you um I know you're autistic, but are you ADHD or no? So you're just autistic. Um, I'm ADHD and autistic, so I'm a combo. So I crave structure, but also crave chaos. That is that's so it's a very confusing combination. So there'll be days where I'm like, I wanna go, I wanna go, I don't want to go. Um, this job's fine. I love being doing all these things, and then I have days where I'm like, please just let me just have some sort of structure, and it gets really confusing, and I don't know how to tell someone that. I don't know how to explain that. And no most companies, they're not gonna they're just gonna be like, what? And they're not gonna cater, they're not gonna accommodate.

SPEAKER_01 33:29

Even even if you had just one, they would they wouldn't want to accommodate.

SPEAKER_04 33:32

So like to have both. Yeah. No, I think yeah, sometimes you are the chaos, and sometimes you need a bright, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 33:39

It is it is grudge, it is very confusing. Um, but yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:43

I think it's I think it like we we tend to overcomplicate to how we explain it to someone who's like maybe overcomplicate. Yeah, yeah, because I think there's a tendency when you have something like this to then over-explain to someone and to to show your share your diagnosis and be like, Well, if you only knew about how my brain works, and they're like, I don't care how your brain works, I need these replies, I need these like.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

But then no question as to why ABC wasn't done. It's like I tried. I genuinely tried to like let you know.

SPEAKER_05 34:14

Yeah, so no, so you tennis. My boss doesn't like explanations, he just wants you to do it. But being on the spectrum means you really need to get that explanation. Terrence will understand this.

SPEAKER_02 34:24

Yeah, I think that like um religiously, I do understand this.

SPEAKER_05 34:30

He's like, hold on, I'm taking the camera. He's like, I'm not making excuses, I'm just explaining how I got here.

SPEAKER_02 34:40

I have to go into a very long um journey on explaining, like, oh, this is why I did this thing and this thing and this thing, and sometimes it's just well, I don't care how you got there. I just I just that's not what I asked for.

SPEAKER_04 34:53

Yeah, when you explain something to people, they think that you think they're stupid. Um, and so like that they're not, and I'm like, no, I don't think you understand why you just want to make sure you're gonna make sure I'm clear and concise exactly. The idea of like attachment styles combined with the um autistic traits. So, like if you're a people pleaser, if you're like someone like that, and you happen to have a confusion around what you know, friends if friends are leaving, I think it's very clear that you you maintain friendships with a healthy amount of space and dignity and private like you you just you don't but if you go around wondering why everyone's leaving, people are going to leave. You're basically writing the the passageway, you're you're writing that path forward because that's if that's the only thing you're thinking about when you have a friend is when are they gonna leave.

SPEAKER_05 35:46

Um I just the whole time.

SPEAKER_04 35:48

And so that's what I'm that's kind of my slight diagnosis, because when you're attached, you know, that's the attachment just needs to be healthy.

SPEAKER_01 35:56

I think uh I do understand where you're coming from. I think the monomania about why did they leave, it it's also autistic people, we're problem solvers. We want to fix, we want to remedy, and we want to make sure it doesn't happen again. Or it could be just obviously overt empathy. It's like, well, we don't want to hurt someone again if I hurt somebody. Because I've told people before, I'm like, if I piss you off, I don't give a fuck. I'm like, that has to do with ego. But if you if I hurt you, let me know I will do anything because I never want to hurt somebody. Yeah. And I think my brain always goes to, did they leave because I hurt them? And that that would kill me, you know? Yeah. So I think I I understand what you're saying. Like, you know, it's uh to to be so like fixated on like why they leave. Like, you know, you might be doing a self-fulfilling prophecy and stuff like that. But I do think there's an there's a a piece of it that's like, I just don't want to have a repeat, I don't want a rerun of this. I I know I think about that whenever I make a new friend. It's like like there's there's a gentleman I know, him and his partner, um both of them, she's great, he's great, and in the back of my mind, I'm I I know I've said this, I'm like, I want to be your friend so bad. And he's like, you know, you are my friend. I'm like, I always want to say I'm like, I'm gonna mess this up, and I don't know how, I don't know where, I don't know when, because no one gave me the courtesy of an explanation on the way out. I'm like, you could it's fine. I don't want to I don't want to keep prisoners, I don't want to handcuff someone to me, but I'm like, just tell me what I did on the way out so I don't do it to someone again.

Structure, Scheduling, And Burnout At Work

SPEAKER_04 37:24

Yeah, and I think that that's just because you want to like be able to learn from it, and I think that um I think that there's this maybe this um thought that people that are on the spectrum might not be self-aware, and we're just very hyper actually over time become very self-aware because of our you know distinct experiences. Um so yeah, what you said about that is um true because I, you know, I speak very flippantly. I I speak very openly with people, I tell them stories, or I tell them um, or or I'll say something, you know, I'll roast someone just a little bit, but like everything I do is out of fun and love and based on in love. And so um, yeah, over the years I've always like there's been a few instances where someone from my hometown or like community said, Oh yeah, Jackson like said something to me once just sporadically, and I just never wanted to be his friend again. I'm like, so why didn't I ever know this? They that the person had to date this person to find to so it's just I never never fucked with him after that. And I just like what did she say that I said? I can't. And I said, he said something about like um because I had a Tourette's when I was younger, a Tourette's diagnosis, and someone in one of my bands also I think had had it, but wasn't like confident about it. And then I just like jokingly said, nah, you you know, you I didn't like dis I did something like kind of dismissive, yeah, right? But just very impulsive style of speech. And I just never usually never read that anything hurt anyone unless someone tells you. Yeah, um, even if it was just something said out of just randomness and chaos. So I do think that like there are people that will hold on to stuff and and you're like, I didn't ever think I was bully, I didn't ever think I that I was bullying anyone, but you never know what anyone else is going through. So at a certain point, it's between them and a higher power. Because at a certain point, it's not even between them and you, it's between them and their own confidence, their and their own thing. And there's only so much responsibility should be put on one person, even if it's just one thing that was said. So I think that's like I really, really extremely let go of anything that is just like this is clearly between them and themselves, or this is between and it's not to not take accountability for saying something, it's to be like, it's this is between them and whoever else like it's.

SPEAKER_05 39:46

It's also not your responsibility to guess why someone's behaving or reacting to you in a certain way. You can be self-aware, but you don't have to drive yourself crazy if they're not gonna give you the courtesy of an explanation or a conversation. Then you're just gonna be like, all right, well, we'll just have to move on. I think more.

SPEAKER_01 40:05

I think more neurodivergent people need to realize that is that like, yeah, it's not, don't no matter what these people tell you, it is not your fault. They have their own, they have their own paths, they have their own, like, you know, neuroses and like their own eccentricities and stuff like that. And like you said, like they did not verbalize. Like, you know, it takes two to make a relationship work, any type of dynamic. You even a business partner, you can't just be like, hey, you want to open up a McDonald's, and I just stare at you.

SPEAKER_04 40:30

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, and then, um, and then they stare at you, and then a month goes by, and the person that stared at you is like, so when are we opening that exactly?

SPEAKER_01 40:39

And it's just like, dude, you never say anything. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever had that situation where someone like didn't they were mad at you, and then you're like, Well, what did I do? And they're like, You know what you did. It's like, no, I I don't know. That's what I'm asking. My whole life. You're crippling us, yeah. Confused.

SPEAKER_06 40:56

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

It's like, I'm asking because I genuinely want to know. But they're just like, Well, I'm gonna deny you that explanation so we can just run around.

SPEAKER_04 41:02

But I really don't, yeah, I I learned so you gotta learn to just with those situations, you gotta let go and you gotta say, if they're gonna play me like that, if they're gonna play the the fiddle, they're gonna play victim to something and they're not gonna tell me, then this is between them and God. This is this is that's my new thing. It's between like I'm not religious at all, really. But like I say that's between them and God. Because it it seems like it's not really a problem with me at that point. It's something that they're holding on to. So, um, like, so so if anyone has a problem with me, come to me directly like an adult and talk about it.

SPEAKER_05 41:35

Yes, we can talk about it and we can, we can, yes, we can discuss, um, it's fine. Like, and I think a lot of people are so like it's just all of their inner traumas, all their issues, they're just so focused on keeping things happy and smiley that once anyone's upset about anything, they're like, Well, we gotta go. Yeah like everything's falling apart, like we can't have a conversation or talk about it. We gotta go.

SPEAKER_04 42:02

It's a shutdown mentality, it's a flight, you know, fight or flight. So I think that I think there's a resiliency that we might have in in our own separate ways have developed, and I think that this is a good podcast to kind of show that, like, hey, there's all the different sides to being on the spectrum, but but this specific thing is like, you know, we have to build up uh like a different level of resiliency socially to re kind of rebuild our kind of call our toolkit. Yeah, but like because we've had to be cued in and hyper-aware of like um and we almost sometimes have to be the the to hold in how are we affecting others. What does that communicate to a child is that you need to essentially the world isn't going to there's a positive and a negative. The positive is that the world is not going to adapt to you in every single moment. You have to know how to cope, you have to know how to put the things together for yourself so that you can like have a normal dinner with people.

SPEAKER_01 43:03

Which is which is but that's so just saying that that's why it's a different and stuff like that for in in autistic individuals because we're censoring ourselves, we we are minimizing our own issues. I didn't mean to cut your I'm so sorry. No, no, no, keep going, keep going. No, it's just like that's that that's just so dangerous. I don't think people realize like how dangerous that is uh for for anybody, um anybody, whether they're on the spectrum or not. It's just like no, you need to learn how to just you know just be silent and not disturb people's quote unquote peace. It's like you're telling that their peace is does not matter, and that's that's not how it should be.

SPEAKER_04 43:37

Yeah, granted, granted, like they did, like I was getting pretty extreme. I was like, like, it wasn't like I was just like hot and bothered. I was just like so so basically like um uh so speaking in terms of like auditory issues, yeah, um, like hyperstimulus, what were your major triggers and then how What did you learn over time how to deal with them?

SPEAKER_01 44:03

So I was like four or five years old, and it was an ATT commercial. And every time it would come on, I didn't realize this at the time, I would have freak outs. There was some tune or some noise, and my mom, you know, just being a mom, you know, no one knew what was going on. Trying to like hold me, make sure that she knows I'm here, this and third, we're not knowing what it was. Thank God my mom's observer, and just started peeping. Like this same commercial happens to be on that. This is what's causing him to just freak out. Um I could not, I still can't process lyrics to songs. So I'm so growing up, that was rough. People like, did you hear the new? And I'm like, Yeah, go say, did it bop day beep bop boop bop. That's not the Jay-Z song. Um beep.

SPEAKER_06 44:56

Yeah, I heard all this.

People-Pleasing, Boundaries, And Friendship Ruptures

SPEAKER_04 44:58

It mentions the girl, and then she goes in the store. Something about big pimping.

SPEAKER_01 45:04

Exactly. So that's all I heard. So I um, or even just styrofoam, that is like my arch enemy, styrofoam, um, sharpies. Like, there's certain noises, it's just like, oh, I like I and I'll start like jerking around, like, you know, just like mouth. Yes, and people are like, best case scenario, they're like, you're being dramatic. I'm like, get like you don't know, like, you don't understand. So yeah, there was there was a situation like there's a lot of situations like that. Um, but in to counter that, uh I judge songs by their melody, and I'm like, I can I can tell people like the specific note that like it moves me, touches me, makes me like like tear. And I don't know, like I don't know what it is, but like yeah, just the other day, uh like a week or two ago, they were like, really? And I was like, yeah, and they're like, give us give us like a soundtrack or something like that. Because I usually I like scores, I like instrumentals.

SPEAKER_04 46:02

Oh yeah, I've done soundtrack work, so I love all that stuff, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:05

That's and that's what speaks to me, or video game scores, all that stuff like that. So I was like, Oh, pull up Edward Scissor hands, and they're like, okay, so and I had not, I don't like actively listen to it, and I was like, okay, this is the song, okay. It's coming up, it's coming up, and it's like right there. That's the note why I like this song. And they're like, Really? They're like, it's that specific.

SPEAKER_05 46:24

It's that specific.

SPEAKER_04 46:25

Yeah, so not a chord or a note, like the whole like section, or just like that one.

SPEAKER_01 46:31

Like, there's certain songs, I'm like, I just like that one little piece of it. And like, uh, there's I I listen to Chill Hop, or what were you about to say?

SPEAKER_05 46:38

And I get, oh, sorry, I was putting my hand up like um, but I was like that with the Rugratz theme song. So growing up, I would hear the first note, duh.

SPEAKER_01 46:50

So you get it.

SPEAKER_05 46:52

And I would be like, Yeah. And like I would get like so excited, I would scream, Rugrats.

SPEAKER_04 47:00

But that's excitement, and that's not like panic, you know? That's different. Well, no, not that far to the music. But oh, but if you're talking about panic, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_05 47:12

Uh feeling an emotion for you, like that one piece.

SPEAKER_04 47:15

But if you're not sure. Speaking of neurofact, it's like that's old but like music does trigger a certain part of your brain. It's like, I don't know if you read the Oliver Sachs book, like Music in the Brain, which is a great book. It's about neuroscience and specifically music and how like it just really activates a different part of the brain. So that's why it's soothing, and that's why if you play music and you're on the spectrum, it's like it taps into a completely different world of your mind where all the other issues that you have are not relevant. Yeah. Uh same thing if you do if you're on the spectrum, someone on the spectrum or has threats or has movement things. Does sports, when they're in the game, they they're activating the different parts of their brain, right? So the reason I say that is because so specifically, like if you can focus in on the music, you can then it will soothe you. Yes. So do you feel like if you're listening to a score, those parts of your um can kind of like subdue a little bit?

SPEAKER_01 48:12

Yes. Uh you completely took words right out of my mouth. Yeah, it's it it's it's that. It's also like I said, going to the beach at night, the sounds that I hear of like the ocean, just like all those things. It's like a night beach one, like a beach at beach at night, yes, beach at night.

SPEAKER_05 48:27

Because uh I will have a few select songs that I will listen to for months straight. Yes. Over and over and over.

SPEAKER_01 48:36

My Apple music will snitch on me. They'll be like, Yeah, this fool has listened to this song 4,372. When they do the music interview, they're like, oh no. I get and I get I do and I I I'll ask people like when I'm driving in the car, but I tell them, like, yo, you just picked the song. They're like, why? And I'm like, because I'll I'll put the thing on repeat. I'll put this show on, I'll listen to this, uh let's say the Rugrats theme. I'll listen to that like the whole trip and I'll be fine. I'll be absolutely fine.

SPEAKER_05 49:00

And when did you realize that you did this? Because I didn't realize I did this until I had an until we did that interview with Brooklyn. And I had brought Brooklyn to the set of the Florida project for the entire filming. Every single day I would play Best Steel. It is a core memory of hers now.

SPEAKER_04 49:18

Best Steel.

SPEAKER_05 49:19

She's because that's how much I played Best Steel.

SPEAKER_04 49:21

That's otherwise called brainwashing in other places. It's also a CIA torture too, but anyway. Is it the one that goes, ew, ew, and then?

SPEAKER_05 49:31

I listened to the same soundtrack in their one of their albums, and I would play it on repeat to and from okay, that whole album.

SPEAKER_04 49:40

So you weren't looping a song the whole way to go.

SPEAKER_05 49:42

Well no, I did loop a song, but I would loop a song for like 15 minutes and then Rook would be like, Hey Lee, is there any other song on the soundtrack? Just tried it out.

SPEAKER_06 49:55

Listen to it.

SPEAKER_04 49:56

Poor girl is like when she's like six or seven years old. She was six. Yeah, and you're just like, she's like, is there any other music in the world? On the planet. Poor girl.

SPEAKER_01 50:05

Even the galaxy. Um, I I found out because when I was a kid, my mom told me this. I remember this. Uh she was like, hey, like when you were a kid, you didn't ask for a lot, but what you asked for was always extremely rare. So I was like, Can you give me an example? She was like, When you were a kid, you came up to me and you I was like, What do you want for Christmas? And I said, I want the Robocop 2 soundtrack. And so she was like, How do you this is before you could just go online, this is before YouTube, this is like this is whatever, whatever. And my mom, God, she's so awesome. She got me um, she got me the RoboCop collection, and she was like, just just you know, watch the movie. So this is to show you how old it was, um, because it was VHS. I rewound that that movie so many times to listen to that score, it messed up the tape. So I told her that. I was like, I can't listen to the soundtrack anymore. So then she was like, okay, I want to say a week, a couple weeks later, she gets me a uh computer and she's like, This program is called Limewire.

SPEAKER_04 51:12

Your mom introduced you to pirating, that's incredible. Before we wrap up, I want to talk about a few other things. Yeah. Uh specifically, you said you were diagnosed. What's the uh when you were younger as well? I was young. What's the importance of like your mom's role and your specific upbringing and like what what you know did you have parental help? Did you in that field? What were the things that helped you take a step forward after after getting diagnosed?

Sensory Triggers, Music, And Self-Soothing

SPEAKER_01 51:42

So my mom is definitely the reason I am alive today. Um without her, I don't. I my father was very abusive. I I had a brother that resented me for many, many reasons. I found out later in life, like, like he straight up told me, like, it sucked being my sibling. Because he was very much a cool guy. He was very much a cool guy, very funny guy, very charismatic. But he straight up said to me, He was like, you know, being around you, I didn't want people to think that I was weird too. And that's how it just, yeah, it was yeah, so but my mom, she as she was a very, she was a tough, like, you know, tough, proud Puerto Rican woman. But she found just enough of herself, that maternity and like empathy. Because that's what I needed, was that empathy. She gave me just enough, like, to like that I didn't go straggle off into a darker path or a self-destructive path or a self-harming path, but she just she let me be myself, and I feel like a lot of autistic people, it's like when you think of the people that they're close to, people that they cherish, it's people that they just that allow them to be themselves and they don't give them grief for it. Um I I I would say like there was just certain things that I this is like a weird thing, but like I always had to have dessert before dinner. I always like even if it was so it was and she didn't it for her, it was like that's not a big deal. All right, have the cupcake as long as you're eating, like you know, the the Was that your ritual? You think it was like a ritual? It's it's it's it's still a thing now. Like I I don't like having like dinner first, and I I've broken down like why you should have dessert first, especially at a restaurant.

SPEAKER_04 53:23

Like anything like that, but anyway. Favorite dessert, by the way, real quick ice cream. Okay, just any type. It was so fast. Ice cream, ice cream, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:31

I have like no other vices. I don't smoke out. Three top three flavors, go. Uh uh cheesecake, banana, genuine banana. Okay, not vanilla with banana extract. I know the difference, um, and chocolate.

SPEAKER_04 53:45

Oh, hell yeah. Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_01 53:46

Awesome, awesome. But um, just the things that she she uh she I my biggest thing, I loved movies, and she would watch them with me. And I I used to only speak in movie quotes. That's how I communicate with people. I didn't know how to talk to people otherwise. And since she was a cinephile, she would talk back with me. You know? Um she would like she would also, she was also very blunt, and she let me know in a very, like I said, very uh calm, soothing way, like that things will be hard for me, but like that it didn't mean I was wrong. Or that there was something wrong with me.

SPEAKER_04 54:23

Yeah, you know, yeah, this is not define you, yeah. This is this is what some of you have. My mom got me a book that says, um, I have Tourette's, but Tourette's doesn't have me.

SPEAKER_01 54:33

That's so fucking beautiful. Uh yeah. Or she like I my my biggest fix one of my biggest fixations growing up, I love puzzles. I know. Stereotypical. Puzzles and trains. I know, very stereotypical. But like I remember, like, for example, like a friend of mine when he passed, like I didn't no one knew how to talk to me, and people still didn't, no one was really there for me. She got me a box of riddles. And like, that's like just things like that, like those things of like here, I care, or just and the fact that like you can be exactly who you are. I'm never gonna give you grief, I'm never gonna make you regret looking in that mirror.

SPEAKER_04 55:08

Yeah, and that's what you need, that's the nurturing someone like that needs because that's so awesome, that's beautiful. And so the the reason I usually ask that question is because I think that um a lot of our audience, you know, might be other artists and people on the spectrum, but a lot of them need to send this to someone who like, um, oh, I I should have got some Kleenex. Um, don't don't be don't be sh let it out.

SPEAKER_05 55:32

This is your um Oh my gosh, this is Oscar's emotional before.

SPEAKER_04 55:36

Yeah, no, it's okay. It's you're good, it's okay. So, like, but that's like I think a very, you know, specific thing. I think people want to send stuff like this and information like this to parents too, because uh a part of the whole equation is that understanding and to deny your kid the explanation of why they're the way they are can be hard and can create extra developmental or whatever, it can create extra issues. So we're in the tunnel with no flashlight, yeah. Yeah, exactly. You gotta, you know, you're in the Batcave with no uh headlights.

SPEAKER_01 56:08

Oh god, I love it.

SPEAKER_04 56:10

I know just enough about Batman to help with some analogies, but I don't know everything. But like I was gonna say, so that's awesome to tell us that because people need to hear what the parental styles that kind of go into this, and like um also just how to um take the pressure off when you're around someone that you know has autism. The best thing you can actually do is just unwind and de detach from any ideas you have about it and just be just be chill. Be chill, be chill, like treat me as anyone else. Yeah, treat me as someone who has maybe a little more banter than your other friends, but like it's like it's the same.

SPEAKER_05 56:45

Don't also, if something is said a certain way, don't automatically mean that they meant it in a harmful or offensive way. Yeah, because we don't mean to harm or hurt. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_04 56:56

Except that Elon guy, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 56:58

Oh my god, I was so I was like, he's not on our team. I didn't I feel like I had to do a press conference. I'm like, he is not on our team. He is not on our team.

SPEAKER_05 57:05

Oh, he's autistic, and we're like, excuse me, but what are you trying to say? We never reclaimed this schedule.

SPEAKER_04 57:11

I think, you know, I want to be careful about where I use the autism cart. Well, that's cool. Okay, well, on to wrap it up, I just want to ask, is there anything that you're working on right now you want to tell us about that you want to plug? Or like any like upcoming projects or or special advice, too? Whatever one you want.

SPEAKER_01 57:28

There are there is a project that I'm working on, a short film. It's called The Sounds South of Heaven. It's based on my childhood and my me and my mom's relationship, and it does address the abuse I got from my father. Um, but it's essentially about this is not me snitching on my mom. She's not this, but it's about this woman who uh she robs convenience stores, and her her and her son are getting abused, and so in the middle of the night, she takes him, and she her her man is a corrupt cop. She steals some money, and but her son is undiagnosed. And so he a lot of the story is told through like the sounds that he's processing. Like we're only hearing dialogue that he can really hear, and like you know, that and you we kind of and I wanted to get across like my relationship with music in that that it's just like he doesn't hear it like everybody else does. Yeah. I mean, to this day, I don't really know how people hear music. But anyway, so it's basically about this tough woman who has to kind of learn to be softer because like she's always in survival mode just in general, but it's like, no, I'm with my child, we're out on the run, but he kind of has to learn how to like kind of get a little bit tougher because like he's out in the world and his father is like en route to find them and kill them. So um the tone is like no country for old men. It's I'm awesome, man. I wanted silence to also be like I wanted people to feel like when he hears things and when he doesn't know.

SPEAKER_05 58:55

Oh, this is a great pitch. Oh, yeah. I'm like fully like No, I visualize it right away.

SPEAKER_04 59:01

Uh love no country for old men. I also thought about taking for some reason too. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because like the feeling, the thrilling feeling that someone is like like like that is after you, and then um on top of it, the actual autistic experience. So, like, that's awesome, man. That's that's super cool. That's a great elevator uh elevator pitch, too. So I'm excited to hear what happens with that.

SPEAKER_05 59:22

And um Yeah, and we obviously champion it, the NeuroFuck Podcast champions it. We're excited.

SPEAKER_04 59:29

We can't finance it, but we can help channel it find out. Can I just give a shout out to a few people that of course, yeah, yeah. Feel free.

Moms Who Notice: Support That Saves Lives

SPEAKER_01 59:36

Uh, mom, just talking about this with everybody here today. Thank you so much. Like, like my soul belongs to you. Like, thank you so much, Mom. I love you. Um uh uh my cousin, he has ADHD, and we're like this. We talk every fucking day. So uh his nickname is Arrow. He's that he's the green arrow to my Batman. So nice love you, man. Um Jamal, his nickname is Mr. Terrific. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. I give everybody nicknames, uh, that's like my close friends. Uh he's also on the spectrum. And dude, I just love everybody. And smarty artists they know who they are. Um, we're just a group of neurodivergent individuals back home. So I just want to say like I appreciate y'all and everything like that. I want to appreciate y'all for inviting me here today.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:19

Of course. Yeah, we're so excited to have you, and it's super great to hear your story. And uh, I think we need to start an autistic group chat. I think we need to have our own so we're gonna get in there, you know. I think we need to add some of our guests to our uh our group chat and just let it let loose, you know. Um explore some of this stuff. And also, yeah, you're a friend of the show now, you're our friend now. So don't be a stranger, you know. Um feel free to let us know what's going on anytime. So um, and yeah, uh great podcast, everyone. Yeah, great stories, great people. Uh give it up.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:51

Oh, that's for you too.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:52

Give it up.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:53

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:54

Thank you so much. Thank you for chiming in, by the way. I felt so like you were so I was like, he he likes what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:02

Hey everyone, thank you so much for tuning in to the audio only version of the NeuroFucked Podcast. Um, I guess that's classically what a podcast is, but regardless, hope you are doing well. If you made it to the end of this episode, make sure to visit neurofucked podcast.com. We can go back and see all the episodes, find it on all your favorite podcast platforms. Not only that, click donate, neurofucked podcast.com slash donate. Um, pay what you can, pay what you will, what you want. And the reason we have it up there is because we're volunteer only. Gotta help on our podcast to produce, and we're planning to turn this whole thing into a live streamed podcast. We have a lot of the resources, but what you can help is pay for our snacks, our lunches, um, make sure the crew and cast and hosts are fed, and everyone's doing well. So, if you like the podcast, if you feel like it gives something to you and it benefits you in any way, as we grow, feel free to visit that part of our site. We'd love to see it, we'd love to have you there. Um, especially if this brings you value, which we hope it does. So, from all of us at the NoFunk Podcast, enjoy the next episode, Sun It Off.