He's Using You: How to Spot a "Builder Wife" Relationship

Are you constantly building up your partner's life while yours falls by the wayside? In this video, e're diving deep into the 'Builder Wife' phenomenon, revealing the 7 critical red flags that indicate you might be caught in this draining dynamic. Learn how to identify these signs and understand why capable women often find themselves in this trap, so you can reclaim your power and build a truly balanced partnership.

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WHAT TO WATCH NEXT:

Why Women Need Provider Men

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4HtxELsQlg&list=PL2RZXKe4KrQI0pQN4CQhyfgFhMQj0gaC0&index=2

How I Manifested My Husband By Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsyS86ZefQg&list=PL2RZXKe4KrQI0pQN4CQhyfgFhMQj0gaC0&index=4

What Masculine Energy Looks Like In a Woman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ern54mBnm2w&list=PL2RZXKe4KrQI0pQN4CQhyfgFhMQj0gaC0&index=8


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Disclaimer: Moneta Solutions and its agents are not a mental/medical health practitioner or mental/medical health provider and is not holding itself out to be in any capacity. Moneta Solutions and its agents are not providing counseling or therapy services or attempting to diagnose, treat or cure in any manner whatsoever any physical or mental ailment. Moneta Solutions and its agents provide coaching/mentoring to help you reach your own goals through personal accountability.  Please Note: Moneta Solutions and Amanda Abella are not financial professionals. Please consult professionals.

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

There is nothing wrong with building a life with a man. Marriage, after all, is a building process. The problem becomes when you are building the man himself, when you pour into him, when you fix his finances, when you fix all his problems, when you build him up in his career only for him to never appreciate it, treat you like crap, then he finally gets his glow up, only to divorce you and leave you because he actually ended up resenting you, never liked you, and was using you all along. In this video, we're gonna be talking about how to avoid becoming the builder wife because it is avoidable. And if you are in your mid-30s Your 40s, you're a successful woman, you really need to listen to this message because the hobosexuals are multiplying and they are targeting you. They're targeting women with means. They're targeting women who are successful because they need a place to lay their head at night, and a lot of women out here are rescuing these men. I do not want you to be one of those women. Hi, my name is Amanda. On this channel, we talk about how to manifest what you want in life without all the extra stress, chaos, and drama that most people are accustomed to. Lately, we've been talking a lot about polarity in relationships, dating dynamics, dating psychology, nervous system regulation, and so much more so you can become the magnetic woman who attracts desires to her. She can attract a provider man to her. She can attract money to her, rather than having to hustle, grind, and effort her way into everything. It's based on my experience of having gone from being a super hyper-independent, perpetually single, a bunch of thyroid problems, losing a business, and ending up with a bunch of lackluster men, for about 10 to 15 years, to in 18 months completely turning that around. I met my provider husband. I moved to another country. I've started businesses that now bring in money more easily, and it all had to do with understanding feminine energy and how it applied to relationships, money, and so much more. So if that's something that you're interested make sure to subscribe, and if you are new to the conversation about feminine energy or polarity, then make sure to download my free Enhance Your Feminine Energy Guide. I will leave a link below. I will also put a QR code here. In that guide, it will show you how to enhance feminine energy in different areas of your life over the course of the next week or so, and at which point you should start seeing improvements in your relationships, in your money, and in your overall sense of peace. Make sure to grab it while it's free because I am working on some things behind the scenes that I'm going to be launching very soon, and once those things are launched, then I'm going to be charging for the Enhance Your Feminine Energy Guide Grab it while it is still free. And in addition to that, you can find all the links to all our resources, classes, programs, and everything that we have available in the description below. If there's any that come to mind while I'm teaching, I will make sure to mention them throughout the video itself. So if you want to dive deeper in some of these things, you can grab those resources, and all the links will be in the description and in the first comment So let's first talk about what is a builder wife. A builder wife is a woman who becomes overly responsible for a man's development. So she could be his manager, she could be acting like his mother, she's fixing his finances, she's doing the business for him. If he needs a job, she's fixing the resume. If he needs a place to stay, she's offering up her house. And of course, we have a very famous example of this right now. I recently did a video on the Bunnie XO and Jelly Roll divorce that is shaking the internet, at least in the United States it's shaking the internet. because she was a woman who, when she met her husband, he was homeless, he was just out of prison, he had no money. He had the dream of being a rock star, which he eventually became thanks to her. he had custody battles he had drug addiction, and she looked at him and she said, "Hmm, that is my man." That's what she did, and she ended up sacrificing herself for 10 years, including selling her body for money, giving him all that money, bankrolling his custody battles, the lawyers that he needed to hire, bankrolling his first album, basically bankrolling their life, only for him to recently file for divorce. So that is a perfect example of a builder wife. And one of you, in the comments when I did this video, left, a great comment that said, "The builder wife always gets left." The builder wife always gets divorced, because he ends up divorcing her. And there is this phenomenon that happens with the builder wife, that if you meet a man when he is down, and we'll talk about the red flags to look out for to make sure that you don't end up getting used by one of these gold digger or hobosexual men out here who will do what Jelly Roll did to Bunnie. What happens is these men typically target women who are doing better than them. In the case of Bunny and Jelly Roll, she was making up to $40,000 a night sometimes. Granted, it was with, sex work, but she was still able to take care of herself, and she said herself that she was high-end in that industry, meaning she was a very well-connected woman. She chose a man who was homeless, obese, had a bunch of custody issues, drug addiction, just out of prison, and gave all her resources, energy, time to him. Now, what happens in those scenarios is that oftentimes when the men finally do glow up through your blood, sweat, and tears, what ends up happening is they leave you. And you might be wondering, "Well, why on earth do they do that?" Well, suddenly they have money. Suddenly they look better. Suddenly they have the career. And looking at you is a constant reminder of who they used to be, and they don't like that. In addition to that, I don't care what men tell you, men do not like it when their women go to solve their problems. Healthy men don't like it when women go solve their problems, and the Build-A-Bears also don't like it when you go solve their problems because once they can solve their own problems, again, through your blood, sweat, and tears, they don't wanna be with you anymore. They don't wanna feel like they're being mothered, so they end up leaving you and then going for a woman who makes him feel like a hero and reminds him of the man he is now, not the man that he used to be. So that's why that phenomenon happens. When these men use you and then build on your back and then finally get what it is that they want, they'll leave you because they don't wanna be with the woman, who solved all the problems for him and continues to solve all the problems for him. It's actually a huge turn-off for men. But the hobosexuals and the gold-digging men will absolutely use you until they get to that point and then have no problem leaving you and, as Bunny XO is experiencing right now, start dating someone else a month after he filed for divorce. So that's why that phenomenon happens. Now let's get into some of the red flags to look out for so you know if a man is using you, so you know that if a man is looking for a Barb the Builder to build with him. when w- by the way, when a lot of men say that, they don't mean actually building a life with him, they mean building him. That's what they mean. And as I said in the beginning, there's a difference between building a life with someone, which that's what marriage is all about, versus actually building someone. The two are totally different. So let's get into what some of these red flags are that let you know that you may be entertaining or entering a builder wife dynamic Number one, he is very interested in how much money you make. Now, it's okay if a man wants to see that you're stable and you're responsible. That's fine, because men also don't like getting with women who waste all their resources. They hate that. But there's a difference between that versus a man who is very concerned with how much money you make, what assets you have, your credit score. Do you have a house? Do you have a car? What's your career? If he's very much invested in your financial life, more beyond what is normal, of being like, "Is this person fiscally responsible?" That's fine. But if he's, overly invested in how much money you make and he keeps asking you questions about your career, or I had this happen with someone I dated many years ago, fanboying over your career, then you know it's a red flag and this person is planning on building off your back. Most men, healthy men, do not care how much money a woman makes. My husband did not care how much money I was making. In fact, when I met my husband, I was in the middle of losing a business. So he did not care at all whether I had money or didn't have money, which is a really good indicator that they actually like you for you and not what you can financially do for them. And what's so interesting out here is that a lot of men out here who complain about women being gold diggers and things like that, the irony is that they're usually the first ones who are asking women to go 50/50 or pay their bills or solve their problems which is the irony of this entire conversation. And make no mistake, there are men out here who are the real gold diggers, and there are-- And since this whole BunnyJellyRoll thing happened, there's men actually on YouTube right now warning women against the gold-digging men, because they absolutely exist, and they will take you to hell while they figure out their life and expect you to figure it out for him So when you're talking about money, which yes, you should be talking about money before you get married, but when you're talking about money, pay attention to the energy behind the questions. Is he just making sure that you're a fiscally responsible adult, or is he suddenly far more interested in you when he finds out how much money you make? Is he asking about what kinds of connections you might have? Is he asking you for help with his career, with your money or your connections? Does he seem relieved that you are independent because it means that he will not have to be responsible for you? Does he begin discussing business plans or joint money, way too early? And what I mean by way too early is, right when you're just starting dating. It's like you're on date number one, and it's like, "Here's how we can do business together." Is that happening? Pay attention to the energy behind the questions when you are discussing money Because a man should not be selecting you primarily because you make his financial life easier, but as this person brought up in the comments the other day, especially as women get older, there are men out here who literally seek out successful women because they see an easy ride. So there are men out here who will do that, but men should not be doing that, and healthy men, like I said, literally don't care how much money you make. That's why sometimes, they-- these successful men, and they're like, "I'm gonna fall in love with the receptionist," right? It's because they literally do not care. And in fact, healthy men, in order for them to fall in love, they have to invest in women. And what happens a lot of the time is the women who are builder wives are the ones doing all the investing in the man. He's not investing at all in her. And when there's polarity in the relationship and when it's a healthier relationship and what makes men fall in love rather than use you is actually the reverse. It's when they are investing in you. So for example, my husband invested in me a lot. He was helping me solve business problems. He helped me with an immigration process to another country. he had a place. He had his car. he was investing in me all the time. He was paying the rent. He was the provider. It was constant investing. Still to this day, we've been married a little while now, still for th- to this day, he's usually the one doing all the investing. And for healthy men, it makes them feel good to invest, and it's what makes them fall in love because they are the givers and we women are the receivers. And I will get into why women who end up becoming builder wives actually have a very difficult time with what I just said, so keep watching Red flag number two is that he actually lets you solve all of his problems. Now, to be clear, everyone needs support sometimes, especially when you're in long-term relationships, there's gonna be moments. maybe he gets sick and you need to step up, or he needs your help with something, or he's got, a work issue and he would really like your opinion on something. That's fine. That's normal. That happens. The problem is when a man has a problem, and then he just expects you to go fix it, like he literally just lays it on your lap. The other problem is when you meet men, these are usually the Build-A-Bears and the hobosexuals and the gold diggers out here of men who have all sorts of issues going on in their lives, and then you start offering help to solve all these issues, and he lets you do it. He's "Yeah, girl, come save me," right? "Come save me. Come be my princess in shining armor," because these are usually very feminized men who allow women to solve all of their problems. And what's interesting is I've noticed this with my husband. My husband's very masculine, and For the married women, I need you to listen to this because sometimes us women will have a very bad habit that because we're such nurturers and we make everything grow, that we'll jump in to start solving problems because we want to give. we're like, "Oh, we want to nurture. We want to grow. We want to help." we've been conditioned into this for a very long time, so sometimes that's our instinct. And what I've noticed with my husband and with most masculine men, and if you're married to a masculine man, you may have noticed what I'm about to say, they don't like it when you try and solve their problems. In fact, they might actively try and stop you from trying to solve their problem. And it's really interesting because women don't understand the psychology of men. This is something that I cover in the Feminine Magnetism Mastery program. In order for men to build confidence in themselves and become more mature and more masculine, they actually need to overcome challenges. It's part of how men develop into healthy, masculine, mature men. And what's going on a lot of the time is that you have women jumping in to solve all these men's problems. Now, if a man is letting you do that, he's feminized from the jump. But if you've been married for a long time, and maybe you just got in a bad habit of going in to solve the problems, or you got in a bad habit of over-functioning, it could throw off the polarity in a relationship. So it's definitely something I've had to be mindful of. I-- Most women I know have had to be mindful of this, again, because we're conditioned into helping everybody except ourselves, and then we just wanna jump in and start solving things, and it's also a control thing that we have, as women. And again, what I've noticed with my husband and also other healthy men is that they typically don't want their women jumping in to go solve all their problems. they actually, over time, end up resenting you if you continue doing that, or they will get lazy because they're like, "Oh, well, she's just gonna go solve the problem." And then that's when you have lower functioning men. but if you're seeing this already early on from the beginning that he's just letting you solve all his problems, he's planning on using you, girl. He's planning on using you, and he might be cool with it now, but 10 years down the road when you took him from a lump of coal to a diamond like Bunny did, he's gonna resent the hell out of you, and he's going to leave you So you might be wondering, especially if you're already married, you might be wondering and being like, "Okay, but what do I do if he has a problem?" You be a cheerleader and you're like, "You got this honey. I know you can figure this out. I know you got this. I know you can do it." Number one, that's like fuel to a man because you're showing your trust in him. And number two, you let him solve his own problems, right? Which then builds confidence in a man and helps him feel more masculine, and then you don't feel like you're over-functioning, therefore keeping a healthy polarity in the relationship The other thing to keep in mind, and this is for those of you who are dating, is pay attention, and I've said this multiple times on this YouTube channel, pay attention to how the man that you are dating or seeing handles problems. Does he start researching solutions? Does he start trying to find the solutions? So for example, my husband recently had a, like a work challenge. He's been at the office every day to go figure out that work challenge. He's not asking me to go figure out the challenge for him. he's at the office now. That's why I'm filming this because he took the puppy with him and I'm able to film. So pay attention to those kinds of things. One of the first things I noticed about my husband, which I was like, "Okay, that's a good one to marry," is when things got difficult or there were challenges, and he dealt with a lot of challenges the first year that we were together. There were, deaths in the family. There were career changes. There was my immigration process to another country. There was a lot of stuff going on all at the same time, and he handled every single one like a champ. He didn't expect me to go and solve all these problems for him. He would solve the problems. He would step up. If he didn't know the solution to something, he would go find the solution to something. So pay attention to that because a lot of women are out here dating men who don't do any of those things, who don't take initiative, who don't take responsibility, and then expect a woman to go solve all his problems for him. And again, that's not a healthy man. That is a feminized man. No healthy man that I know even likes it when a woman goes to solve all his problems So what are some of the ways in which women start solving problems for men? maybe he's in a legal situation like Jelly Roll was, and then you go pay for the lawyers, or you go solve the legal problem. Maybe he's unemployed, and you brush up his resume, and you go on LinkedIn, and you start trying to find a job for him. Maybe he has a conflict with someone, and you're telling him exactly what to say. If you're in that kind of a dynamic right now, that man is going to end up using you, or he's gonna end up resenting you after a while. And if you're not in that kind of a dynamic, great, just make sure that you don't fall into a bad habit that sometimes us women tend to fall into, again, because we are conditioned into solving everybody else's problems and over-functioning Red flag number three, when he gets asked why he loves you, he only talks about all the things that you do for him. So this is a tell. This is a tell that a man is using you. So let's say that somebody asks him, "Hey, why do you love fulana de tal?" As we say in Spanish, fulana de tal. "Why do you love fulana de tal so much?" And he'll say, "Oh man, because she believed in me when no one else could, because she was with me at my lowest, 'cause she built my business for me, because she takes such good care of me." If a man says any of those things, it's 'cause he's using you. That's what's going on. Instead, he should be saying things like, "She makes me smile. She's a really good time. I have a wonderful time with her. She makes me feel X, Y, and Z," where he talks about something about your character, not all the laundry list of things that you do for him to make his life easier. That is a tell that a man is trying to use you, and that's exactly what we saw with Jelly Roll and Bunnie, right? Where he's "Man, she saved me. She saved me. She paid for the lawyer so I could get custody of my kid. She bankrolled my whole first tour. She bankrolled my first album. She's been with me through the mud." That's how you know a man is using you And the scary part is that all of that stuff can sound romantic. It can sound like, "Oh my gosh, what a beautiful love story," but it's not 'cause again, that man's going to end up resenting you eventually and leaving you for somebody who didn't go fix all his problems, and for somebody who didn't do a bunch of stuff for him, and for somebody who makes him feel like the hero who's capable of doing anything Red flag number four is he has a lot of potential but very little evidence. Again, this is for the gold-digging men, the hobosexual men, and the very feminized men. A lot of women will fall in love with a man's potential. I'm gonna use Bunnie and Jelly Roll as an example again, 'cause it's all over the news and we just did a video on it, so you guys know the story. So for example, this man was homeless, he was living out of his car, he had two baby mamas, he wasn't in his kids' lives, he had a whole custody thing going on, and he was just out of prison, and all he had was a dream of being a country star or I think a rap star at the time. And she saw this man and she said, "That's the one. I see he's got something so special in him. He just needs someone to love him." That's what she said. "He just needs someone to love him." Mm. Yeah. She fell in love with that man's potential, and when she gave all her blood, sweat, and tears, which if you missed that video, go check it out for the whole story on that whole relationship, he ends up filing for divorce and dating someone else a month later 'cause again, these men will end up resenting you if you built them up. So if you're with a man and he's talking about his dream business, or he's "Hey, babe, can you, buy me this mixer so I can go produce some music?" Or, "Can you give me some money so I can fund my business venture?" Or, "Can buy me these Jordans so I could be the next NBA player?" Or whatever crazy dream they're trying to sell you, but they have zero evidence of ever having been successful in anything in their entire lives, then y- it's a red flag. Stay away from that one. Now, I'm gonna share this story. So when Justin and I met, he was going through a really big career transition and he started a new business since we've been together. You can go find it on YouTube, Entrepreneur Expat. So someone might be in that situation and be like, "Oh, but he was starting a new business." And I'd be like, "No, but he'd had businesses before. He'd had money before. He was taking care of himself before, and he never asked me for any money to go fund that business." So that would be the difference Red flag number five is that his life begins to improve rapidly while your life gets worse because he's using up all of your feminine energy and has you out here over-functioning. So for example, let's say he starts glowing up. He starts making more money, but it came through your sweat and tears. He gets a job, but it's because you filled out the resume and did, y- you basically did everything but the interview for him. he starts getting cleaned up, but you've been through hell and back to try and get this man sober. All these things, again, these men will drag you to hell in order for their lives to get better, and I will, again, use Jelly Roll and Bunnie as the example. He started getting famous, and he was still treating her like crap. So that would be an example. He was still cheating on her. He was still sleeping with other women. He was s- he went back to using. He was still threatening divorce all the time, and again, all this information is public. So he starts getting more famous, and his life starts getting better, and he starts getting healthy, and he starts getting attention, and she continues over-functioning and giving everything, and in her own words, being the glue that held everything together. If you are the glue that holds everything together, girl, you're being used Red flag number six is that he resents the very thing that he's benefiting from. So in other words, he starts biting the hand that fed him. In the beginning when you guys are together, he loves that you make money. He loves that you're an independent woman. He loves that you pay half the bills. He loves that you're a hard worker. That's another one. If a man ever says, "I love my wife because she's a hard worker," you are being used, girl. You are being used. And then eventually he starts to resent those things, right? He starts calling you too masculine, too controlling, "Stop mothering me," this, that, and the third. Okay, but in the beginning when you were broke and I picked you up off the fucking floor, you loved all that stuff. And now that you're not broke, now that you're healthy, now that your life is getting better, now you hate all those things. That's how you know you are with a man who is using you. He used you to basically raise him to be a mature man, and then once he's a mature man, now he's no longer looking for a mommy. He's no longer looking for the mommy that he was looking for 10 years ago. So that's another way in which you know that a man is probably using you. And again, as I mentioned in the beginning, this is how, this is how women end up getting left because they find these men when these men are looking for a mommy, they become the mommy figure by solving all his problems, and then he no longer needs a mommy, and he resents the woman who literally built him and ends up leaving her for somebody who doesn't treat him like a child. That's what ends up happening The next red flag is that he wants wife level commitment, but without husband responsibility. So these are the men who ask you to pay half the bills, raise his kids, move for him, invest in his business, take care of the house, solve all his problems, but he's like super vague about commitment or he can't stay loyal to you or he keeps having all these problems that you need to go solve or he treats you like crap. And again, I already used the example that Bunny went through this. She was giving this man everything and he was still cheating on her and couldn't be loyal to her. That's how you know you are being used So he might say things like, "I'm not ready. I don't believe in commitment. Maybe we should have an open marriage. I need to get my life together first." Meanwhile, he has no problem benefiting from your devotion while he gives you very little stability. That is how you know you are being used So now let's go into the next section, which is why capable women end up becoming builder wives, 'cause it's usually the capable women, and it's exactly why these kind of men will target women who are very high achieving, in their mid-30s, in their 40s, mature women. They will target mature women who are successful because they know that these women are capable, and that if they get with a capable woman, then they don't really have to do very much, and they're going to be set for life, or she's going to help him get to the next level, at which point he will leave her for all the reasons that I have already mentioned. And in the case of Bunny, Bunny was super capable. Bunny at one point was making $40,000 a night. Maybe it wasn't, the healthiest line of work, but she wasn't a bum, right? She was capable. She had her own house, her car. She had connections. She had money, and Jelly Roll saw that, and Jelly Roll was like, "Ooh, she makes money. She can bankroll me. Oh, she can help me solve all these problems. Oh, she's a high-level escort? that must mean that she has all these connections that can help me with my career." And in fact, one thing that was really interesting is the first night that they spent together, he asked her about her five-year plan Right? It's like the poles were totally flipped. it's like he was the woman and she was the man, and that's one of the ways in which you know that they are getting used. So reason number one that capable women end up becoming builder wives is because they love a project. They love a project. they have a thing for taking a man who is a lump of coal and turning him into a diamond. Some women have this fantasy. Some women have this fantasy in their minds of being the one woman that could change a man and make his life better, only to find out later that he ends up resenting her for the very thing that she thought was romantic. And we'll get into some other things that these women think is romantic momentarily, so keep watching. But that's a huge, twisted way of looking at things, and some women like projects, right? Some women don't feel like they're good enough for a man who's not a project. In the case of Bunny, she was a high-level escort, so she was very well-connected woman, and she ends up with a homeless guy who has no money and is obese and has two baby mamas and a custody... Like, how do we go from, you, you have access to all these other types of men over here. I'm not saying they were the healthiest men, I'm just saying she had access, to, "I'm gonna go date this lump of coal over here and go solve all his problems." he's the one. And granted, we know that these are two traumatized people who got together and were trying to get their needs met, and we know that women who end up in sex work statistically have very traumatic backgrounds, which she did. But the point that I'm trying to make is that she was in circles where she had access to men with money. She was in circles where-- to where she had access, to men with careers already, but she decided to choose a homeless man with two baby mamas, a drug addiction, and a dream. It doesn't make any sense, but there are women out here who love a project because, again, they have this fantasy in their minds that they could go change a man, only to get a really rude awakening later And some women genuinely enjoy fixing things. They like bringing order to chaos. It gives them a sense of control. It makes them feel accomplished. Like in your work, like if you're bringing order to things, then you're getting rewarded for it. But if you're doing that in your relationship, you're gonna get the exact opposite result. You're not going to get rewarded for it. You're going to get used, abused, and left for it Reason number two that capable women end up becoming builder wives is because they think that being needed is like being loved. So a lot of women grew up with the idea that in order to be loved, they had to be useful. I'm one of these, and most women I know have this in their minds. We're conditioned into it. That's why we're always giving to everybody else, and then we forget about ourselves, and we have to be very mindful of it. But for some women, this is very deep-rooted, that the way that I get love is by being useful. So they will mistake usefulness with a man loving you. And again, the polarity is flipped because the one who needs to be useful and the one who gains confidence from being useful is the man. The one who falls in love by being useful is the man. The reverse does not usually work. That's why you see a lot of these videos online right now saying "Do nothing for men. Do nothing," especially if you're dating a man. "Do nothing for men, and you're gonna find out whether or not he actually loves you." Because the more useful you are, the more likely you are to attract men who plan on using you. So if you have it in your mind that you being useful equals love, I need you to rewire that. And maybe what you can do is you can take our Healing the Wounded Feminine masterclass. It's brand new. So many of you have already purchased it because I start going into these wonky stories that we have that cause a bunch of chaos in our relationships. So I will leave the link to that below, and we'll also have a QR code here for those of you who wanna dive deeper and check that out Reason number three is that you are afraid to receive. Now, a lot of women feel guilty receiving, they feel uncomfortable receiving, they feel like they owe somebody something, they feel like they're not good enough to receive, but the role of the feminine is literally to receive. Part of our job in this lifetime as a feminine woman is to continue increasing our capacity to receive more and more. That's part of our job. We are the multipliers, and in order to multiply, you gotta receive something to multiply first. But a lot of women really struggle with this because they feel all kinds of strange emotions, like they shouldn't want this, or they got a bunch of weird stories growing up, like they're not good enough for it, or they owe somebody something, or it makes them weak. That's another one that has come up in the comment section, women being told that if they receive from other people, it makes them weak, when in reality, it's our literal job to get good at receiving. And again, men, healthy men, fall in love with a woman when he is able to give to her and she is able to receive it. It is like fuel to a healthy man, and it inspires him to keep doing better. But if you suck at receiving, then you are more likely to attract the hobosexuals, the chaos goblins, and the gold-digging men Reason number four, this one drives me crazy, is that you believe that loyalty means staying through everything. Again, this is one of those overly romantic ones, right? So you feel like you have to go through thick and thin, that you must be there for everything, that if you really loved him, then you must suffer with him and show that you are a loyal woman, that you are ride or die, that you can go through hell with him, and you guys are still gonna be together. Y'all can be Bonnie and Clyde. Y'all can be toxic. Y'all can be, "We fell in love in a broken place." Y'all can do all that. In reality, it never freaking works in order to maintain a healthy relationship because the women who are ride or die, the women who go through everything, the women who try and prove how loyal they are to a man, number one, it means nothing to a man how loyal you are. I think to women it means something, like loyalty if a man is loyal to her, but to a man it doesn't mean anything. To most men, that's "Why is this idiot still here?" "Why is this idiot still here?" And eventually, that ride or die woman is going to have a very rude awakening as well. So do not mistake loyalty for putting up with everything, not having boundaries. Healthy people have boundaries, and I've said this oftentimes, healthy men like a woman with boundaries because he knows that she's going to be a challenge. He knows that he's not gonna be able to get away with everything. Men like that in women. If you're too convenient, if y- he knows that he can put you through anything and you'll still be there, that man doesn't respect you and he plans on using you Now let's go into part four, which is how to avoid becoming a builder wife. So number one is you wanna date across or up, but never down. This is what Bunny did, right? She was making $40,000 a night and got with a homeless man, for example. She had her own place. He was living out of a car. so you have to, when you're dating, oftentimes what works for women is when they date across, meaning it's equal or up. It never, ever works when she dates down because that usually ends up attracting the men who want to use her. Now, with men, it's different. With men, it works differently. A man can date down, and it'll work because he's investing in the woman. He's helping her, which helps him fall in love more with her, and if she's good at receiving it, then she becomes a better woman as a result of it as well. But the reverse never works. The reverse of that, where the woman is dating down, does not work, and we've seen example after example after example, so across or up is what you need to look for when you are dating men. Don't go save men. Stop saving men And what you're looking for more than anything is across or up in terms of, the capacity of being an adult, right? Are they responsible? Are they disciplined? Are they able to solve problems? Are they resourceful, or is it like you're dating a child? That's a lot of what we're looking for, as well. Another thing to keep in mind to avoid becoming a starter wife is don't go into dates and talking about how much money you make and what your career is and all your accomplishments and all the degrees that you have. Number one, healthy men don't care, and that doesn't help them fall in love with you at all 'cause they literally don't care. And number two, it attracts men who are going to use you. So avoid those subjects. Avoid talking about those things really early on. don't talk about these things until you know that this is a man who actually likes you for you n- next one is you want to learn how to properly vet men. I've noticed that a big issue that women have, which has come up on the comment section of this YouTube channel, is that a lot of women just simply do not know how to vet a man. A lot of women do not know the difference between a good, healthy man and a not healthy, feminized man. A lot of women just don't know, and part of the reason why a lot of women don't know, and this is especially true in the Western world, is we've given a lot of weight to chemistry and feelings and how do I feel around this person, rather than looking at some of the practicalities that come with choosing a life partner. So there's an overemphasis on things that cloud your judgment, in other words. So a lot of women need to learn how to properly vet men. I cover this in two different places. I cover it in the Feminine Magnetism Mastery program. That's like the 101, and I also cover a lot of this stuff in the Magnetic Commitment program, which is where I go through more of "Hey, here are the conversations that you're having while you're dating men. Here's like month one and what we're looking at. Here's month two. Maybe this is what we need to be talking about." And it also goes a lot into vetting and what you should be looking for to know whether a man is healthy or not. If you learn how to properly vet men, it's going to save you from getting used by a man the way that Bunny was used by Jelly Roll Next one is stop rewarding potential, reward results. Now imagine if you were at a job and imagine you hired an employee and you were investing in this person and they never showed any results, but you kept giving them money because they had potential. That would be really dumb, wouldn't it? That would be stupid. You would be losing money. Same thing with a man, right? Rather than continuing to reward potential, meaning you give him access to your time, your energy, your kitty cat, and everything about you before he has proven any commitment, before he has proven that he is a responsible adult, before he has proven that he doesn't need a mommy, before he has proven that he can actually be a good partner. Stop giving these men who have not proven that they could be good partners so much access to you. Stop rewarding potential. Stop it, and instead start looking for evidence The next one, and this is huge whether you are dating or also married, 'cause the married women will sometimes go overboard with this, 'cause again, we're conditioned to go solve everybody else's problems, is stop solving men's problems. Stop it. Stop solving their problems. Men need challenges. Men need to solve problems. It is how they build confidence. It is how they develop. It is how they mature, and they will resent the woman who goes to solve all his problems. Stop solving problems for men. Let them solve it. Learn how to be the cheerleader on the sidelines that says, "You got this, honey. I know you can figure it out," and walk away. And if a man comes to you with dire problems like, "I'm a drug addict, and I'm looking for someone to save me," or, "I'm living out of my car," or asking you for money, or, "Please pay for my lawyer," or any of those kinds of things, just be like, "I'm sure you'll figure it out. Come find me after you have figured it out," and walk away. don't even give them any more attention The next one is don't combine finances too quickly. Don't start funding businesses. Don't start buying houses. Don't start co-signing on leases or cars or debts or any of those things too soon. In fact, don't do any of those things until, after you're married. How about that? because what that does is that, again, it's like the trope, right? Of this guy has a bad credit score, but he needs a place to live, so you're gonna co-sign on his lease or co-sign on the c- on the auto loan. Girl, don't do that. Don't do that. Let's just stop doing that. Let's just stop solving men's problems, and let's just stop saving them, and let's just stop giving them money The next one is to start developing an identity outside of just being useful and giving to everyone around you, and instead start becoming the magnetic woman who's really good at receiving. This does require us to change our belief system. This does require us to change our nervous systems. This does require us to take some really deep looks within us and ask ourselves like, "Okay, why do I always feel like I have to be the one giving?" Or, "Why do I always feel like I have to be in control?" Or, "Why do I like a project?" It requires a lot of shadow work, quite honestly, looking into the shadow feminine and things like that. So there's two places that I recommend if you wanna go deeper in this one. The first is Healing the Wounded Feminine, where I walk through all these, archetypes of the shadow feminine that would cause women to end up becoming a builder wife. And the second place I would recommend if you wanna go even deeper is the Magnetic Woman Transformation Training, because that's where I teach you how to go from being a controlling woman to a magnetic woman. That's where we do even more shadow work. That's where we talk about how getting more in touch with your feminine energy. So those are two places that you can get started, depending on where you are in your journey. If you're newer to this work, then I would recommend Healing the Wounded Feminine if it's, the first time you're hearing anything about this. If you've already done some work and you've already done some work around your nervous system or perhaps therapy or some coaching or maybe you feel like you're a little bit more self-aware, then I would recommend the Magnetic Woman Transformation Training The next one is to stop giving so much weight to chemistry. I have repeated this ad nauseam on this channel. Look for shared values. Look for whether or not he's a capable, responsible adult. Look for whether or not you make good partners in life. Don't pay so much attention to sparks and fireworks and chemistry, because a lot of the time it's just trauma bonding. And for those of you who are like, "Oh, but I have to be attracted to the guy," if you're not attracted to men who are good to you and good for you, then maybe you need to think about that and be like, "Why am I attracted or feel chemistry to the men who treat me like crap?" So that could be an area of perhaps self-discovery that maybe you may look, need to look into, because a lot of women out here are attracted, do feel the sparks, do feel the fireworks with men who would treat them horribly and take them through hell and take them through the wringer, and they're like, "Ooh. Ooh, I got the tinglies for that one." But then when it's a good guy who's responsible, who's reliable, who would give you the world, you're like, "Oh, he's boring. I'm not that into it. That's a little strange." So if you find yourself in that dynamic, you may need to rewire what you consider to be attractive, because when a woman learns to be attracted to men who are good to her, then she may find herself, maybe not being so interested in her type, or she may find herself not being so interested in the bad boy. Her taste in men will change, essentially, is what I am trying to say. So stop giving so much weight to chemistry, and instead start learning how to be attracted to men who are actually good to you and good for you So now let's talk about what healthy building together actually looks like because unfortunately this is where women usually end up t- throwing out the baby with the bathwater when it's a conversation that requires a lot more nuance. This is where women are like, "I need a millionaire. I need a man with six figures, six-pack, six feet, blue eyes," like all those kinds of things. "I need a man to be able to take me to a five-star restaurant," and that's not realistic either. So let's talk about what healthy building looks like. Again, this is-- it's a difference between building a life with someone and actually building someone up. What we're looking for, which is healthy, is building a life with someone. There are many beautiful marriages that started from humble beginnings before any-- either of them had any money. There's nothing wrong with growing together. There's nothing wrong with, the people wanting each other to grow and helping each other grow. There's nothing wrong with that. It's actually quite healthy. The difference is the mutuality. So it's the reciprocity of it. So for example, there's a difference between a man who's building a business and you encourage that man to build the business versus a man who's building the business and asks you to fund the business. There's a big difference. There's a difference between a man who expects you to make all the sacrifices but never sacrifices anything himself. That is also a really huge difference. it's mostly just about it being mutual and about there being reciprocity and wanting both to grow and that both are making sacrifices, both are taking responsibility, both are doing their part, both are cleaning their side of the street, not that there's a giver and a taker. That's when we start running into problems, and a lot of the women who end up being Barb the Builder or being a builder wife is 'cause she's giving and giving and giving and giving while he's taking and taking and taking, only to end up resenting her for it later and leaving once she helped him figure out his life. So I hope that this video gave you a lot more clarity. I know it's a real hot topic on the internet right now in lieu of this very high-profile divorce, but not just that. I think it's just a lot of experiences that women, especially older women, are having with dating right now where they just are-- keep ending up in situations, with men who need mommies, to put it that way. So I hope this helps you gain more clarity of what is healthy behavior from a man, what is not healthy behavior from a man. I hope it gave you more clarity in terms of, what it looks like to build a life with a person, which is fine, versus building up a person, which is not fine. I hope it helped you with some of the nuance of this conversation, and above all, I hope it helped you really avoid some major heartache and big problems that perhaps you would have gotten yourself into if you did not have this information beforehand. If you liked this video, go ahead and give it a like. It helps us get it in front of other women who may need this information. Make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell. And every resource that I mentioned, whether it's a free guide or a master class or a program or a training that I have, you can find them all in the description or in the first comment. It will have a description of what each, training is for, and then that way you can just choose where it is that you want to go deeper. I trust you. I trust your intuition. You're a fully functioning adult. You know where to go. So the menu is in the description and also in the first comment. Thank you so much for giving me your time today, and I'll catch you on the next one.