The Real Reason You're Attracted to Unavailable Men

Do you find yourself repeatedly drawn to unavailable men? In this video, I reveal the surprising subconscious reasons why you keep choosing this pattern and how your nervous system might be playing a role. Learn how to break free from this cycle and start attracting the committed, loving relationship you truly desire.

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Disclaimer: Moneta Solutions and its agents are not a mental/medical health practitioner or mental/medical health provider and is not holding itself out to be in any capacity. Moneta Solutions and its agents are not providing counseling or therapy services or attempting to diagnose, treat or cure in any manner whatsoever any physical or mental ailment. Moneta Solutions and its agents provide coaching/mentoring to help you reach your own goals through personal accountability.  Please Note: Moneta Solutions and Amanda Abella are not financial professionals. Please consult professionals.

Transcript

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Have you ever wondered why some women are attracted to unavailable men? Or perhaps you yourself find yourself attracted to unavailable men. Maybe they're married, maybe they already have a girlfriend, maybe they've got way too much going on in their lives, and then they tell you something like, "You know what? It's just not a good time right now. I'm just not available for a relationship." Well, if that's you, then you really need to listen to this video because I'm about to change your whole life and explain to you why you keep choosing the pattern of an unavailable man. Speaking from experience of a woman who chose passive or more emotionally unavailable man for 15 years. And once I understood what I'm about to tell you today, I was able to change all of that, and within four months manifest my protector, provider husband who you may have seen on this channel. Hi, my name is Amanda. Welcome to this channel where we talk about how to manifest what you want in life without all the extra stress, chaos, and drama that most people are accustomed to. Lately, we've been talking about relationship dynamics, nervous system regulation, polarity in relationships, feminine energy, and so much more. So if that's something that you're interested in, make sure to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss a single video that we have coming out on this channel. Also, make sure to give it a like and share it with a girlfriend because that lets YouTube know to put this in front of other women. We have women from 50 different countries who follow this channel and are gaining a ton of value from it, and you can help this global movement by giving this a like and sharing it out. And finally, if you are new here, I need you to know something off the bat. If you are new here, I teach from a place of four divine feminine archetypes. I talk about the wounded maiden, the awakening warrior, the conscious queen, and the magnetic empress. It would be very helpful if you are new here to take our free divine feminine archetypes quiz. It's only three minutes, and it will let you know which archetype is most dominant in your life. And then that way, when you're watching my videos and I start making references to some of these archetypes, then you're gonna be able to follow along a bit better. And in addition to that, you'll know which patterns are most dominant in your life because they could be good for you or they could be sabotaging you in your relationships. And if you're attracted to unavailable men, we're gonna put that in the sabotaging your relationships category. So make sure to take that free quiz and any classes or things that I have available, you can find them in the description below So if you're one of these women who finds yourself being attracted to unavailable men, here's what I need you to know. Somewhere in your system, unavailable feels safer to you than a man who is actually available. Let me explain. Oftentimes, until we become aware, what happens is we have a lot of subconscious programming running the show. It's like back here, right? So we think that we're making all our decisions consciously. We're not. It's mostly the subconscious that runs the majority of the show. And for most people, um, they have some very messed up programming when it comes to relationships and money and their bodies and just life in general. But in this case, let's keep it to relationships. So what happens is that at some point in your life, you realize that if you were available, right, and if you were with someone who was actually available, then you might end up getting hurt, and you might end up being vulnerable. So rather than risking being with someone who's available and potentially hurting you, you instead choose men who are actually unavailable because somewhere in your system, somewhere in there, it makes more sense to do that. Now, of course, it makes no sense, right? Of course, if you're attracted to unavailable men, you're obsessed with unavailable men, then you're like, "Well, what are you talking about, Amanda? This really hurts." To which I have to say, really? What's more scary to you? Is it more scary to be in an actual relationship with an available person where you have to be vulnerable and you have to be seen? Or is it safer to be obsessed with a man who's at a distance and you never have to be vulnerable and you never have to be seen? Which one actually sounds a lot safer to you? Because for me, for 15 years, I would much prefer to have men at a distance, right? Because I had stories like, "They're just gonna bring me down." I had stories like, "Well, they're just gonna hurt you anyway." I had stories like, "Well, they're just gonna mess up your life, so why even bother? Like, go protect yourself." Now, what would happen is that I would end up being available to men who were not ready to be in a relationship. Which is great because, uh, I too was not available for a relationship if I was being honest, and all these people are just mirrors. The other thing that may be happening here is let's say that you grew up in a household where there was a lot of inconsistency around love then what happens is you end up choosing men who are inconsistent because that is what feels familiar to you, of course, until you become aware of it. And this is where I see this happening a lot. So for example, a woman may say, "Okay, I'm ready to manifest my husband." She'll start dating. A consistent man comes into her life. He's showing consistency. He's showing that he honors her. He's showing that he's interested in her. He's moving toward her, and she gets so uncomfortable. She gets so uncomfortable. Now my smart ones, what they'll do is they'll pay attention to that and they'll be like, "Oh, why do I feel uncomfortable about this?" And they'll do some inquiry and they'll do some inner work, and then they'll expand, and I teach people how to do that in my program. Specifically Magnetic Woman Transformation is where I teach how to do that. However, for some others of you, and I did this for a very long time so I understand, you're gonna get very uncomfortable, you're gonna shut the whole thing down, and you're going to run away. And you're gonna be like, "No, I'm just not into him," or, "He's boring," or, "I'm just not attracted to him." That's what you're gonna do. Meanwhile, when a guy shows up who's inconsistent, who gives you mixed messages, who hasn't spoken to you in a week after a date, suddenly you think you're in love and you think you've met your soulmate and you think it's your twin flame and you just gotta work through things and the twin flame is separated right now, but you'll be together again someday. That's what you start saying in your head because your nervous system is wired for inconsistency you learned that inconsistency was, familiar. Inconsistency equals love, right? And because you learned that that's what's familiar, that's what you're gonna gravitate toward until you realize it's not true. And most people unfortunately did not grow up in environments where there were healthy relationships, so this is actually quite common that this happens. So yes, for a lot of you, if you just grew up in households where there was a lot of inconsistency or love came with conditions or it was very dramatic or very chaotic, a lot of you, that's what you're gonna go do. That's what you're gonna go gravitate toward until you become aware of it and start to rewire the pattern So another thing to keep in mind here is that empathy does not equal compatibility and this is for my ladies who keep choosing men that they have to be their therapist, or keep choosing men who they have to build from the ground up, or they keep choosing men who have a lot of drama and chaos in their lives. You can be empathetic. You can say, "Oh, man, that sucks. I'm really sorry you're going through that," but that doesn't mean that you're compatible. And a lot of women will choose these types of men so that the woman is able to prove that she is worthy of love because in her mind, she's like, "Wow, if I picked him up when he was having all these problems and I helped patch him up, then he's gonna choose me." Obviously, no, girl, he's not. You know what he's gonna do? You're gonna patch him up, and then he's gonna leave you for somebody who wouldn't have never patched him up. That's what he's going to go do, and we've seen this happen a million times. So do not get with the men that you need to build. Do not get with the men who have a lot of chaos and drama and toxicity going on in their lives. It is not your job to go rescue them you can have empathy. That does not mean you-- they are a compatible partner. It does not mean that they are ready for a relationship And if you keep choosing those types of men, there's a part of you that wants to be a rescuer, there's a part of you that wants to be a savior, and there's a part of you that believes that in order to be loved, you have to prove it. In order to be chosen, you have to prove it. You have to go through the mud. You have to struggle together. You have to patch him right up. Men are not looking for a mother, and they're also not looking for a therapist, at least not the healthy ones. And that's why, let's say you patch him up, he'll leave you for the next one. That's exactly what will happen. So just, just say no to these types of men. Just say no to these types of men, and also understand why in the back of your mind you may be choosing these kinds of men in an effort for you to prove to yourself, "Oh, man, I just have to work for love. I j- if I go through this and he chooses me, like, oh my gosh, it's love." Girl, that ain't-- that's, that's not what's gonna happen. So just save yourself the trouble Another thing to keep in mind here is that intermittent connection can create attachment, and it can be very addicting so let's say that you are with somebody, and they give you a little bit of attention, and then they ghost you. Guess what happens in your nervous system? Your nervous system wants to start restoring the connection that's your immediate gut level reaction. It's like, "I have to restore this. I have to know what's going on. Where is he? What's happening? Let me text him. Let me see what's going on. Is he okay?" That's what your nervous system starts to do. People who are very manipulative in relationships know how to do this, right? So they know how to, like, give you a little bit of a taste and a little bit of a crumb and then disappear to get you addicted. Here's the thing. That works with insecure people, and it works with people who have never worked through some of their nervous system patterning around this. This works for people, again, who maybe grew up in environments where love was inconsistent. It works on people who feel like they have to prove themselves. It works on people who feel like they need a little bit of drama in their lives in order for there to be love. But there is an actual reaction that happens in our bodies, and the reaction that happens in our bodies, until you become aware of this, is that we, we wanna go restore the connection. That's what we wanna go do, and that's when your anxiety kicks in. Here's what you need to learn how to do. If somebody's doing that, they're not ready for a relationship. If somebody's doing that, at the most innocent, they're just not ready for a relationship. At the worst of it, they're purposely trying to manipulate you. That's what they're trying to do. What you need to learn how to do in those situations, if somebody is showing that kind of inconsistency, they lose access. Like, you just don't even bother. You're just like, "Okay." Let me give you an example. Many, many years ago, when I was first learning about polarity in relationships, I was in a group coaching program, uh, for dating, and I had this interesting situation happen, uh, w- where I was talking to this guy. We met on an app, and he would do this thing where he would, like, talk to me for a day and then, like, disappear for a week and then just, like, reappear out of nowhere. Now, fortunately, I had already gotten out of my wounded maiden stage. Again, make sure to take our quiz to make sure which archetype is most prevalent for you. I'd gotten out of my wounded maiden stage. At this point, I was an awakening warrior, so I had some pretty good discernment, and I'm ready to put the sword out whenever when I was an awakening warrior, and I'm ready to protect myself when I was an awakening warrior. So I just thought the behavior was weird. Like, it just didn't make any sense to me, and it wasn't attractive whatsoever. I just thought it was strange. So strange that I would... I went to the group, and I said, "What is this?" Like, "What is happening here?" Like, "I've never had this happen before. I don't understand what this is." And then they start kinda like mothering me, and they're like, "Oh, darling, that's called breadcrumbing, and it's okay. We all go through it." And I'm like, "Oh, I'm not upset about it. I'm not engaging with this idiot." Right? I'm just really confused by his behavior. I didn't know what this was, but thank you for clarifying. Now again, I was out of my wounded maiden, um, and I was more in my awakening warrior, so I was ready to protect myself and run from a relationship at all costs at that point. Um, but a lot of the women who were in that group who I would consider to be more wounded maidens, um, if somebody's doing that to them, then they're going to get attached. They're going to get attached, and then they're going to start gaslighting themselves in their head about how it's a true connection, and it's a twin flame, and it's a soulmate, and there's a runner and a chaser, and all this craziness that doesn't make any sense at all for healthy relationships. So, uh, I just wanted to share that story to give you an example on how, like, a person with some self-esteem would respond in that kind of a situation versus someone who perhaps doesn't have self-esteem or feels like whatever attention she gets is better than nothing. Because the other kind of woman who's liable to fall for that is a woman who thinks that any kind of attention is better than nothing. And let me tell you, there's a saying in the Spanish language that is tattooed in my brain forever, and anybody who grew up speaking Spanish, you've probably heard this, Mejor sola que mal acompañada" which means better to be by yourself than in bad company so in those types of situations, and exact- actually, in all of these types of situations for this particular video, better to be alone than in bad company Now, the other reason why a woman may find herself consistently attracted to an unavailable man is because somewhere in the back of her head she may feel that if one of these men finally chooses her, which they're not going to, but if one of these men finally chooses her, then she can make up for all the men who abandoned her before. So she keeps trying to like rewrite an ending to an old story it's an old story, it's an old pattern, and she keeps trying to rewrite it. But the irony here is she keeps choosing inconsistent men. You can't make an inconsistent man consistent it's not a thing. He's either consistent or he is not. So now let's start getting into how we can start changing this, how we can start rewiring ourselves so that we no longer find ourselves in these situations So here's the question you need to answer for yourself. What would happen if you made availability a part of attraction? So let me go back to the story I said about that guy who was breadcrumbing me and I had no idea what breadcrumbing was. Because he was inconsistent, I was immediately not attracted to him. I was already like, "Something's off, something's wrong, something doesn't make sense. I don't care, bye." Like, I don't know you from a can of paint. I don't particularly care, and I don't have relationships with my phone. So by that point in my journey, I had already realized that availability and someone actually being available was a part of the attraction, was a part of what made me a-attracted to a person. Now, I've oftentimes said on this YouTube channel, a lot of women need to learn to be attracted to what is good to them and what is good for them. A lot of women are attracted to men who are bad for them, and I have plenty of videos on this YouTube channel, including this one, that explain some of the reasons why that happens. So we have to go through a rewiring, and here's what happens to a lot of women in this sense. If a man is available and available to choose you, then that requires you to be vulnerable, and that eq- requires you to be actually seen. That trips a lot of people up. That's very scary for a lot of people. Or if a man chooses you and he's actually available and you didn't have to work for it or earn it, then what does that mean about all the stories in the back of your head about love needing to be earned? That would mean that your whole worldview gets turned upside down, and again, that can be very scary for people. So a lot of people will choose to remain in inconsistency. They will choose to remain in drama. They will choose to remain in unavailability. They will choose to remain in protection because to them, even though it's dysfunctional, it's familiar, and familiar equals safety. The minute they go into the unknown, the minute they go into having to be vulnerable, God forbid, and letting somebody see you, their alarm bells start going off and they can't deal with the discomfort. Now, for those of you who are willing to change this, the same exact thing is going to happen. If you start moving away from the familiar dysfunction and you start moving toward what is actually healthy for you, you're still going to feel uncomfortable. The difference is you're the type of woman who's going to choose to deal with the discomfort. You're the type of woman who's going to choose to look at your patterns and be like, "Why do I feel uncomfortable? Why do I keep doing this? What's the belief behind this? Where did that belief even come from? And is that belief ultimately true?" And when you start doing that, you will start to realize most of the beliefs that you have are not ultimately true. In fact, you could find, probably find proof from your own life to disprove a lot of the beliefs that you have around love and money or whatever it is that you are trying to manifest. So the woman who actually gets what she wants is not the woman where everything is easy. The woman who actually gets what she wants is the woman who learns to sit through the discomfort when she's moving from something dysfunctional but safe to something healthy but unfamiliar. It's the woman who knows how to sit in that in-between space and actually deal with the nervous system, knows how to regulate herself, knows how to deal with the stories. And if you wanna take it a step further, it's also the woman who understands somatics, because this stuff cannot just live in your head. If you just intellectualize all of this, nothing's going to happen. A lot of these things actually live in our systems. You can actually rewire the brain. We know this, so we have to actively do practices that do that. In addition to that, trauma, emotions, all those things actually live in the body, and that's why in all of my training programs and with my clients, we also talk a lot about somatics. We talk about incorporating the body into this. An example of that would be emotional freedom technique. When I was moving out of my awakening warrior, where I kept choosing passive men or I would keep them at a distance, or I would just avoid relationships altogether, one of the things that really helped me rewire my whole system was emotional freedom technique. If you would like me to do videos on the emotional freedom technique with some scripts and things like that, let me know in the comments, and I'd be more than happy to do it on this channel. It's one of my favorite ways in order to bring somatics and bring the body into the rewiring of the nervous system so it doesn't all just stay in your head, and we actually see some changes. There's also a lot of other things that I teach, and you can find them all in the Magnetic Woman Transformation training, where I go through how to rewire your nervous system, but there's also somatics involved in it as well. So if you liked this video, please go ahead and give it a thumbs up. Also, make sure to share it with a girlfriend, especially a girlfriend who's confused about why she keeps choosing men who don't choose her or why she keeps choosing men who are unavailable. Make sure to send this to her. If you haven't taken our quiz, make sure to do so, and thank you so much for giving me your time today, and I'll catch you on the next one.