NewActionsShowHealing (NASH)
Two sisters with Trials, Tribulations and a bit of Rediculousness! We’ve survived and succeeded with so much going against us. Living with multiple family suicide and more loss than living. Our mission is to talk about the hard stuff! Say the words no one wants to say! Let you know your feelings are valid and real!
NewActionsShowHealing (NASH)
The Stepparent Dilemma: Navigating New Family Dynamics
What happens when a new parental figure enters a family still reeling from tragic loss? Sisters Heather and Jennifer open up about their vastly different experiences with the same stepfather who came into their lives shortly after their father's suicide.
Heather takes us through her journey as a 16-year-old still living at home when her mother began dating again. From having to rehome beloved pets to eventually being encouraged to move out on her own at 17, her stories reveal the profound displacement that can occur when family dynamics shift during adolescence. The infamous "circle theory" conversation and an unexpected bill for past financial help highlight the sometimes painful miscommunications that happen in blended families.
Jennifer offers a contrasting perspective as someone who was already living independently when their mother found a new partner. Her initial resentment about "sharing" her mother gradually transformed as her stepfather demonstrated patience and understanding with the memorable words: "I am not your dad, I am not ever going to take his place, but I am going to be here for you, if you let me."
Both sisters share a particularly moving reflection on how these family divisions sometimes persist into the next generation, with Heather's children experiencing the subtle pain of being treated differently from "biological" grandchildren despite only ever knowing one grandfather figure.
This raw, honest conversation doesn't offer simple solutions, but instead validates the complex emotions that arise in blended families. Whether you're a stepparent trying to find your place or someone adjusting to a new family member, this episode reminds us that there's no single "right" way to feel – but understanding and patience are essential ingredients for healing.
Share your own experiences or reach out if you're struggling. We're here to listen and connect those in need with helpful resources.
Hey guys, it's Heather with New Action Show, healing Nash, and this week I want to talk about step-parents and my take on it and everybody's take is different. I was a teenager I would just turn 16 years old, I believe. My stepfather came in my life about a year after my dad had passed. And again, my route. I was a young teenager. I think we all think differently and it wasn't yesterday, we're talking over 20 years ago. So during that time my mom had went out with some friends and it was like a bar and grill and met somebody. You know to be expected, everybody deserves to have somebody. You know to be expected, everybody deserves to have somebody. And during that time we had moved back to our home in Versailles that we had had and that is where my father had taken his own life. But we had went in and painted and kind of made it our own and moved back in. So my sister had moved out when she turned 17. So that was that next June and um, so I was at home with mom and she would go to work and come home and then she would get her clothes and go and um, stay with her significant other. So basically I was just home by myself. I mean I, my family, that was there for us. My cousin was 16. And we had gotten close and she, me and her would hang out and run around. You know I feel like we moved in with my stepdad, which she is already doing but I still stayed at the house and, you know, would continue to go to school etc. And so we sold our house.
Speaker 1:Now, growing up, we'd always had cats. We cats was our thing, never had dogs. We had one dog when we were very young, german Shepherd, and she liked to jump. I think her name was Lady, don't quote me and she liked to jump on us and liked to knock us over. So we got rid of her. So, inside cats Well, my stepdad didn't like cats, so we had to find and rehome our cats, which was devastating. I mean, I know some people, if you're not a cat lover, you might think it's not a big deal, but just consider any family pet you have that you've had for any amount of time. They're like family, they're like kids. Now to me is what I figure, but they're like family. They're like family. They're like kids. Now to me is what I figure. But they're like family. So you're getting rid of your animals that you've had because someone you're moving in with doesn't like that type of animal. And he had dogs or a little dog, a little Jack Russell I believe, which was a yappy, annoying dog, didn't like me and always liked to chew up my shit. So that's how that went. So that was number one Red flag, just wasn't happy. I mean, you're moving into somebody's house after you lost your father. They don't like animals, so you have to get rid of yours to meet their criteria.
Speaker 1:But I was 16. My opinion didn't matter, so we move in and it wasn't terrible as far as rules etc. I mean again, I feel like for being 16, I wasn't out doing things that 16 year olds don't do and I didn't run all night, you know, still went to school, had good grades, wasn't involved like I was before, but that's to be expected. Kind of explained that before and that's the way it was. But you know they would do their thing and I would still go to school and do my thing. I worked, I waited tables or bus tables, either way, vice versa, both and for sales after school, and that's the way it was.
Speaker 1:And then when I had graduated at semester, my senior year, so I was going to graduate in December and then I walked the stage come May for graduation and I was going to cosmetology school. So I enrolled in cosmetology school and we were trying to figure out, you know, like it's an hour away, so how is that going to work? And I was told that I couldn't drive an hour. You know that I needed to move closer to that school, which understandably yes, I mean an hour daily isn't sustainable. So me and mom went looking and we looked at pretty much everywhere in Jeff City, from down the road, from the old prison which, if anybody knows the area, up and down hills and maybe a little scary I found a one-bedroom apartment and moved up there and I was able to get a job at the gas station up the road, it was right up C Road. Well, I worked at Sears for quite a while a year, I don't know, a year probably and uh, it was fine, it was good, a little boring, if anybody remembers Sears. And then I went to the gas station, um, as it was, uh, I mean within a few blocks and uh, around, I think, a more at least exciting job. I mean, at least I've seen people. So we went, I worked there and my boyfriend, jody, actually at the time moved in with me.
Speaker 1:Because here I was, what, 17 years old, moved out of high school, or got out of high school, moved an hour from home by myself with nobody, and he lived in Florence but drove to Sedalia for his job. So he moved to Jeff with me and drove to Sedalia each day for his job. So there I was. I mean I was kind of just. I lost my dad. We moved in with our grandparents, moved back home, mom moved out, I was forced to move out with my mom and stepdad and then I was moved to Jeff City. So it was a lot of change. We're talking within a year to two years. Was that span to two years? Was that span? And that's I mean it was. I didn't know any different, of course, but I mean it was definitely not like an easy adjustment. So I completed cosmetology school and toward the end we moved to Sedalia as that's where my husband worked. We had gotten married shortly after we moved to Sedalia. So we got married in 2005, in March, and then I had our daughter in October 2005. So we had moved to Sedalia, found a rental house and that's how you know, married life started and we started our family.
Speaker 1:But one of the funny stories that I'll never forget is when I was going to college and Jeff, and had, you know, my boyfriend and this, and that I remember my stepdad setting me down at the table and drawing two circles and I had no idea where he was going with it and draw in two circles, and I had no idea where he was going with it and my husband Jody he's just like you know, we're just watching intensely, like okay, which you know sometimes he he's a jokester, he like to tell you a story or draw you pictures or you know, um.
Speaker 1:So he drew two circles and he said you know, this is a circle you're in now and this is where me and your mom's at Okay, the other circle is where I'm going to. These circles don't intertwine. Once you leave the circle, you don't come back to the circle. I mean I don't know, I find it odd. I mean I was like, okay, just kind of laugh. You know, I don't know, I just definitely threw me off guard and you know me and my husband would talk about it and laugh later. But my husband had brought it up to my mom and she's like, oh, she said, my kids. They always knew they were welcome home and if they need a place to stay they could be there. But he had always expressed like it wasn't. It wasn't taken as kindly and jokingly, as innocent as maybe one would think it would be.
Speaker 1:I mean, you're talking a 16 year old and moving not forced to move, but basically forced to move because you know you're not driving back and forth here, you go out in the world. I mean it's just like I don't know. Now I can laugh, because what the hell are we going to do? Are we going to cry? We can't, it's done and over with. But just things like that, you know, I don't know. Just things like that, you know, I don't know. Was it a joke? I mean, I would say no, my husband would say no, my mom would say oh, he was just, you know, giving you a hard time. Now I'm pretty sure he was serious. So that was that story. So hopefully that may just snicker a little bit. The next story I will tell and this isn't just, you know, down on my mom and them, or him or anybody in particular, it's just encounters that have stuck out to me that I just feel I'll share. And if you get something out of it, hopefully you grab one thing out of it and you'll be like I won't do that, or well, hell, maybe I'll do that. You know that's a good idea. So the next one is when they would come visit. Be like Munch, do you need any milk? You know any groceries. Do you need some money? No, it's fine, or yeah, we do.
Speaker 1:I mean I had never managed money, I had never been on my own, I didn't know what I was doing. You know, I worked and went to college and now I'm paying rent and water and utilities and so and come to find out, in the end we had went down once and I I don't know if it was after we moved out of Jeff or not but, um, he had me go get this piece of paper by the nightstand or in the whatever by his bed and it was like a couple sticky notes and I had no idea what it was. I was like, okay, and I bring it out and it's like literally dates an amount of when I was given, say, $50 um groceries, this date $30 anyways, it ended up to be five or $600. And that was literally the money and groceries I was given after moving out, like a bill. I mean it didn't come by mail, it came by sticky note. So I guess I get it.
Speaker 1:I mean nothing comes free in the world, but if you're a step parent taking the place of a parent and you accept these families, I mean I can't imagine his daughter got a bill or a sticky note in the mail. But hell, maybe she did, I don't know. I guess she'll tell me after she listens. If she does, I will laugh about it, but it just threw me off guard. So I know, at times, times you know, mom would give me, say, 50 or 100, and say now, um, give this to him. And that way, you know, it shows that you're you're trying to make him payments. Or she'd say, well, I gave x amount um and told him you know it was from you.
Speaker 1:So she was trying to, I feel like, keep peace. And I'm still trying to figure out my damn life and what's unraveling and unfolding and trying to live on my own. I honestly it kind of makes the circle story reality. But what WTF, like I don't even know. It makes me laugh. I can laugh about it Because, I mean, again, we can't change it. But I feel like these stories lead up to like how I feel and how I feel accepted, and maybe people that I've came across that think, oh, she's weird, or she don't talk or whatever. You know they have thought of me, which to hell with them. At this point I don't really give a shit.
Speaker 1:But it kind of shows like the history and the character and you know what my trials have been through and now you know is it? Is it life or death in that situation, hey, you get a bill for me buying your groceries when you moved out at 17 and 18 years old. No, I mean, I lived. But is it if my dad was there and done that? Would it be the same situation? I don't know, Think about it.
Speaker 1:Do you give your kids a bill if you take them a loaf of bread or milk and eggs? I mean, I don't know, let me know. I guess let us know in the feedback, but anyways. So again I could laugh about it. Now. Hell, I don't know where the sticky note is. I'm sure it's still somewhere with my name on it.
Speaker 1:And lastly and lastly I'll close with this because I don't want to take too much time but at the funeral, I mean my kids have always just known him as Grandpa, grandpa, grandma. I mean my daughter didn't find out even what happened to my dad until she was a little bit older and at Taco Bell, and it just came up in conversation and I didn't even realize that until I talked to her a few weeks ago after she listened to the episode. So I don't know, just different. So anyways, we're at this funeral. My stepdad passed and we're at the funeral and the pastor was talking about how much he loved his grandkids and you grandkids and how much they meant to him. And he showed it because he was a collector and he gave each one of his grandkids a gun to remember them by as he collected them. And my oldest looked over at my husband and said you know, like we didn't get a gun, like they didn't get anything, which is, it again, a big deal it is to them Because that was the only grandpa they knew. My daughter don't remember my father-in-law because he passed when she was two years old, I believe. My youngest don't never met him. So yeah, I mean it is a big deal to them. Their only grandfather that they knew didn't care enough about them to acknowledge that they were his grandchildren, but yet his biological grandchildren were acknowledged. Is it anybody's fault? No, and you know what? He wasn't even probably thinking it, and I don't blame him. I just it shows to me what step parents may consider differently than they do biological, and I don't think it's right, wrong, it is what it is. Again, we can't change it. We can complain, I, we can laugh, we can cry, we can do whatever we want to do, but in the end it's. You know, my kids didn't know him any different than a grandparent. They didn't know he was. You know, my stepdad. I mean they did, but yet they don't, like they don't understand it because you know, since they were born, he was there and it was their grand grandparents.
Speaker 1:So I say that just to maybe let people think twice about how they treat kids, grandkids that might be, you know, married in or biological, and again I don't think it's poor on any anybody. I mean we, I get along with my stepsister and her kids. I mean we don't think of them any different because I mean, since her kids were born I've been, you know, her mom's stepsister and my sister has been in their life. So all the grandkids, you know all 10 grandkids don't know any different. Their cousins. You know that was their grandpa and it's nobody's fault. So I don't know any different. They're cousins. You know that was their grandpa and it's nobody's fault. So I don't say this to create havoc or hard feelings. I just share it again to bring light of the situation and maybe it will make somebody think for future.
Speaker 1:So when I tell this story I'm going to say that my stepdad was somebody I could call and talk reasonable with. You know when something major would happen I could call, and the one time off instance, luckily mom wasn't home and he answered and I ran the story by him and I said you know what do we do? And he said we don't tell her over the phone which she needs to be told in person. So you know, I went down there and talked to her and he was always level-headed and was somebody that I could talk to and get a straight answer and it wasn't a flip of the switch and you know so I do have to say that that, secondly, I can say if I had any cooking questions I could call him and, uh, he would guide me on the path. So we did have a good relationship and I am thankful. There's just something that gets me.
Speaker 1:So the one story that sticks out is my youngest and my sister's youngest daughter was staying the night and I had gotten my mom a tanning bed and they went and picked it up and it had been in a garage and my niece was in the bed and my daughter is on the floor and Shelby, my daughter, she's like I seen something go by me and it was a snake. And she said I looked over and I seen it. So I went and she said I got grandpa and told him him you know there's a snake in there and grandma was sleeping and he said well, munch, can you take it outside? And she said, yeah, because she's not afraid of snakes, we have one. So she grabbed it, carried it outside. He wanted her to kill it. She tossed it in the woods and he said now don't tell grandma.
Speaker 1:So Shelby, my youngest, wrote me and I called her because I'm like you've got to be kidding that there's a snake in there, because I would have shit my pants and I would have moved out. But I was so devastated because I told my husband I said we have to tell mom. Like, mom, like if there's one, is there five. And mom is going to have a fit if she doesn't find out. And then she finds out later and we just have to tell her.
Speaker 1:So the next morning I called my mom and I said mom, I said I don't know if this is right, but I have to tell you something.
Speaker 1:And she said what? And I said I don't want anybody mad, but last night Shelby had to take a snake outside and she started laughing and she said no, I know, he just told, told me. But he didn't want me to know last night because he knew I wouldn't sleep and I was and I we just laughed because I thought they weren't gonna tell her at all and I was like, what do we do? Because I would want to know, but I don't know what to do. And he just meant, hey, don't tell her last night because nobody will get any sleep, because she would panic, and let it be so. Anyways, that's a funny ha ha. Um, just, you know, we all have good and bad memories, and that's what life's about the memories. And memories keep us going. I don't think the grandkids I know my daughter and my niece probably will never forget that. So, with that being said, now we are going to go to Jennifer and her status on step parents.
Speaker 2:So, as you guys know, heather and I were older teenagers whenever our dad had passed away and I think our dynamic is a little bit different than maybe someone who was younger or then somebody that maybe didn't live at home or you know. So I think this kind of can be relatable, but not relatable in some aspects. So when my mom first met her significant other after her dad had passed, I was already living in my own house. Like I said before, I was already living in my own house. Like I said before, I was already pregnant. So my view on it was a lot different than Heather's view, because Heather actually continued to live at home at that point. So never in my life would I have ever dreamed that I would have anybody for parents other than my parents. Just seemed like the pretty normal thing that you know, you have your parents and that's it. And yes, eventually people do pass away, but nothing traumatic like what happened to us.
Speaker 2:So I don't think that.
Speaker 2:I was ever prepared for the fact, even after my dad had passed, that I was ever prepared for the fact that I would actually have to first share my mom with anybody else, secondly, share my sister with anybody it. But I think that, you know, looking at every side, I'm sure that my mom was lonely and, like I said, I had already moved on. I was pregnant. My sister she was getting, you know, finishing up her high school career, so I mean, it was inevitable that she was going to eventually be out of the house as well.
Speaker 2:So whenever our mom, had met the man that she was with after our father. I'm not exactly sure how it was brought about Again, we're not the family that talks about anything, so I can't really remember how it came about but I remember that I was absolutely pissed because how dare my mom be happy? Of course now I know that's selfish, but at that point in time I'm like, no, we still need to be everything to her. And she does not. You know, she doesn't not that she didn't deserve to be happy, but it's disrespectful for her to be with someone else. So I would say for many years there was a struggle there. My mom's significant other never really pushed the fact like. He was never like. I think he got it. I think he understood that we in no way were prepared for this, for any of this in our life, and he was just going to be that person that if we needed someone, we had someone.
Speaker 2:Um, I I did for a long time just kind of ignore the fact that she was with someone else, even whenever they had eventually moved in together, I was still like I don't know, this isn't you know, I don't like it. And later on, you know, I had our first daughter and he really picked up the pieces that were all over the floor. Truly, he was always considered a grandfather to my kids. I never did call him like you know anything, but I also feel like maybe if it was years earlier I would have felt a different way, but our relationship was not like that. So he had a daughter, which we all got along. I mean, there was never that I ever felt like any type of power struggle with that. I think that you know, it was just one of those things like okay, we're a family now and I was grateful for it. I am grateful for it now, but at that time I don't know that I was.
Speaker 2:I think that the best thing that could have happened from our relationship so myself and my mom's significant other was the fact that he was not pushy. I've always kind of been reluctant to share my feelings, show my feelings like I just want to keep it all in, and he never made me feel like I had to be, like this is how I'm feeling or this is the thing you know. Never in ever did I ever feel like I was being pressured to have a conversation or do something I didn't want to do. As far as building that bond or building that relationship.
Speaker 2:I, now that I think about it I don't know if it's because, you know, I'm a mom, my kids are almost all grown I do think that I was probably a jerk because it wasn't his fault that he was there and looking back, we're actually really blessed that he was there. Without him I wouldn't have had a father figure. Without him my kids would not have had a grandfather. So I guess I say all of that talking just to basically say if you're a step parent or if you are someone getting into a relationship with someone that had recently lost their significant other to suicide or tragic, tragic death, doesn't matter what it is, even death.
Speaker 2:I think that, as the adult in the situation, yes, you are stepping into that role, but don't have expectations. So don't have expectations that the children are automatically going to love you. Don't have expectations that you are going to be called mom or dad, or have that level of respect when you initially meet the kids. I'll tell you, I was probably, I was maybe like 20, and I was having a terrible day and my mom, she had already. You know they lived together. So my mom and her significant other lived together and I mean it's not unusual to go through these days.
Speaker 2:You know, as you know, losing someone is never easy and it can be waves of emotions depending on. You know a song that was on the radio the way the weather is, I mean it could be just anything that could kind of make those feelings sprout up. So, anyways, I was just, I was so upset and I went down to my mom's house and I was just crying. She, you know, asked me what was wrong and I just told her I'm so mad at my dad, I just miss him so much. And why? Why did he have to do this to us and why do you have to do it to my kids? And I was just angry and I remember sitting on the couch and I again I was like inconsolable I.
Speaker 2:It was just a bad day and I remember what my mom's significant other said. He said now, sis, I am not your dad, I am not ever going to take his place, but I am going to be here for me, be here for you, if you let me. And at that day, that time, I didn't want to hear it. I did appreciate it, I mean, I truly did appreciate it at that period of time, but I was not in the right head space to really grasp what he meant.
Speaker 1:So, with that being said, I apologize, Jennifer had cut off there, but I wanted to wrap it up and tell you guys. Thank you again for listening. Remind you all that we are doing this to show different sides. So I know mine had a little bit more stories and different depth, but again, Jennifer didn't live at home. I lived at home and therefore we had different experiences.
Speaker 1:So the way we come about with the podcast is I give Jennifer a topic and she records. So I don't go into details and say, hey, talk about this. I messaged Jennifer and I said, hey, talk about step-parents. And that's what she did. So I always think it's kind of funny to see what comes out of it, just to show the depth difference, the thought difference and emotion difference. And again, that's the main reason we're doing this is to show no emotions wrong, no feelings wrong. Your feelings are valid and we're just trying to share our story.
Speaker 1:So, with that being said, we do hope to get back on schedule. I had a conference. We just got back from Florida, Jennifer was sick, Jennifer started a new job. So a little bit of here and a little bit of there, but we will get it wrapped up if you need help. If you're feeling down or depressed or you need anything at all, reach out. Call somebody if you need immediate assistance. Call 911. Call a family friend if you can just need somebody to talk to or message us, we have a place where you can give us feedback. You can send us mail, you can do whatever you need to do because we will be your listening ear or get you some help or referral that you need. So thank you for listening. Share with a friend like, and we'll talk to you next week.
