Patty's Place
A place to talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. A place to find comfort when you are going through a difficult time.
A place to know you are not alone as you go through this difficult time.
Patty's Place
When Grief Feels Like Drowning: Finding Your Way Through the Waves
Welcome to Patti's Place, a place where we will talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. So pull up a cup of tea, a cup of coffee or, if you're having a really rough day, a glass of wine and let's sit back and listen and hopefully you'll find some comfort. My name is Lisa and, as I have said before, I lost my mom about 14 months ago from dementia and I've just learned so much about grief going through the process, as well as what dementia is and how to handle it, or beginning to scratch the surface of how to handle it and different caregiving techniques for it. So today I thought we'd talk a little bit more about grief. You know, one thing that I have definitely learned with the grief experience is that it is not linear. You know, a lot of people think, oh well, you just have to get through that first year and everything will be okay. And sometimes you think, oh, with your feelings. You think that sadness is the only emotion you feel during grief and really it's just one of many, many emotions that you feel during grief. You might feel sadness, you might feel anger, you might feel frustrated, helpless, fatigued, exhausted, confused, overwhelmed and all of the above and things I didn't even mention and we also think that in all of those feelings are correct. There really is no wrong feeling with grief.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you think that if a person's going through grief, all they do is cry. They may cry, they may not cry. They may also be super hyper and have to be busy, busy, busy. Or they might be like I did, some weekends where I couldn't get out of my pajamas and I just watched TV all weekend because I just couldn't find the energy to do anymore. And all of that is okay, because you're trying to adjust to a new normal, so to speak. You're trying to figure out how to go on without this loved one in your life. Or, if you are living with dementia, you're trying to figure out this new person in your life because they're still your loved one, but they're not, because they're different. So you're having that anticipatory grief as well.
Speaker 1:And a lot of times people think that grief just affects us emotionally, like it's just an emotional thing. But really it affects us in every single way. It affects us emotionally, like it's just an emotional thing, but really it affects us in every single way. It affects us physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually. On that, you know, our bodies hurt, we're tired, we don't feel good, we might feel so foggy and we don't know why Our stomach might hurt and we don't know why. You know, we just might not feel right and we just we don't know why. And it's all grief, because it's such a huge, huge thing in your life.
Speaker 1:Grief, it's not something simple. It takes over as you try to make your way through. You know, sometimes I would feel like I still do Almost, like you can't breathe at times, or you're so overwhelmed that you just don't know what to do and you can't fight through it. A lot of times it could feel like a tidal wave, you know, because grief does come in waves, and you feel like, oh my God, I'm never going to get my head above water. Or you might feel like you're on a roller coaster. One day you're having a really good day and then you go down and then you go back up again.
Speaker 1:Or then you might feel guilty on the days that you do feel good, you know, and then you think, oh, someone's going to think that I didn't feel right. You know how I shouldn't be happy right now, and it's okay to have those moments of joy. Or maybe you just feel angry and you don't know why you feel angry. Maybe you're angry at the person who died or the person who's sick, because why did they have to get sick? Why did they have to die? Maybe you're angry at other people that are close to you and you don't know why You're just everybody's irritable and that's all okay. It's trying to figure out this maze of what to do with it.
Speaker 1:What I have found, and through working with grief counselors, and that is that the best thing, at least for me and for a lot of people, is to feel the feeling in that moment, even if you're like I have no idea why I feel this way, I don't know why I'm so irritable, I don't know why I'm angry, I don't know why I'm sad. But to sit with it for that moment and be like okay and let it pass, because usually then, once you let it, you feel it and you recognize it and you acknowledge it, it's a lot easier to kind of go with it. Then A lot of times, too, we think if we just push this grief away, it'll just settle on its own time. We'll just push it, push it down, we won't talk about it, we won't, we won't deal with it and it'll be okay. If I just stay super, super busy, I'll be okay.
Speaker 1:And I mean sometimes, well, obviously, when somebody first passes, you are super busy. You don't realize everything you have to do after somebody dies and you are busy. You have to take care of so many things. But then, once everything is taken care of, you're just there. It's almost like that's when the grieving almost really begins, or that's when you really feel the loss, because now they're gone and you took care of everything, not just the funeral or the, the wake, the funeral, the services, the insurance, the bank, the bills, you cleaning out their rooms, cleaning out all of their clothes and that and you're like, wow, okay, they're really gone. It's almost like now it really begins, if that makes sense for it. And sometimes you just feel like if I just push it all away and I stay really busy, it'll all just work itself out. But then what happens is that if you choose to do that, then you might just all of a sudden start crying in the grocery store for no reason, because you saw something that reminded of them, or you hear a song, or you just start yelling at people and you don't know why, and it could just be that you've pushed it down so far that your feelings has nowhere to go with it. So sometimes I think it's just better to try to deal with it.
Speaker 1:There's a picture that I saw about stages of grief, you know, and people think it's just this nice little stage, it's all linear, and you just do stage one, stage two, stage three, stage four, and you feel so much better and okay, I marked it, I got here. You know, okay, it's a year, I did it, okay, everything's fine. But that's just not really what happens. Not at all. It's so messed up. It's like a bunch of squiggly lines inside yourself. You know, one day you feel okay, the next day you're like I'm crying and I just feel sad, or I'm angry and I don't know why I'm irritable, or I'm just exhausted Because it's heavy with all of it.
Speaker 1:But it's just good to acknowledge to yourself that it's okay if you feel like everything's all messed up, and it might feel that way for quite a while, and that's okay, and just tell yourself it isn't linear. It comes in waves and right now I'm drowning as that. There's a Chris Young song if you follow country music, and that's exactly what his song is called Drowning, and that's what it is. It comes in waves, and tonight I'm drowning, and that's okay. It's okay because sometimes you just need to feel that to be able to kind of get to that next feeling that you need to feel. Or just, hey, you know what, today I feel okay, or today I don't those types of things.
Speaker 1:A lot of times, as we think about grief in waves, we also might think about it as like a roller coaster, which I kind of like that analogy because it's really how it feels, because, like well, I'm not really a roller coaster person, but I totally get it. Because you feel one day you feel up and then all of a sudden you just drop and you don't know why. You know kind of like that feeling when you're on a roller coaster, your stomach drops and you're like, oh, now I'm all the way down here, the ups and downs of the valleys with it, and we don't always get to decide the direction that we're going to go in. We, you know, some days we think we're going to do one thing and then something just comes out of the blue. Somebody might say something, you hear something, you see something, and you are back down there and that's okay. That's when you just need to acknowledge and say this is how I feel right now, this is what I need, this is what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:Or I don't feel clear right now, which is easy to say and hard to do in society, because we really don't like to talk about grief, we don't like to talk about what it does to us. Everybody's there in the beginning and right at the right, at the very end, and they're always there if you need anything, if you want to talk everything, but sometimes, when you really do need to talk about that person, there's nobody there or talk about how you feel. And then that's when they say, oh, but they're in a better place, or you know they're not in pain, and you want to scream because you want to say I know that and I'm not asking for that person to not be in pain, but I still miss them. And it's not an easy topic that people like to talk about, because it makes people feel uncomfortable, because they don't know what to say and a lot of times all you need is for someone to say I'm going to listen and it's okay that you're feeling all messed up today and you don't know why. It's okay.
Speaker 1:Look at what you've been through, acknowledge it. It's okay, because I've done a lot of reading, a lot of different books on grief and that and I'm no expert by any means but what I've come to realize, especially after losing my mom, is that I'll never be that person I was before. You can't go through an experience like that and expect to be the same, and I think that's what we try to do. We try to think that we're going to go right back and just jump right back into how things were. You really can't, because you've been through this experience. That is really hard, so you have to learn how to adjust and put those feelings and what you went through into a new perspective, which is hard.
Speaker 1:And I know, for me, I feel lost a lot of times, like just lost. I just don't know where I am, where I belong, what works, what doesn't work, like who am I now, without my biggest support person in my life? And it's hard sometimes. You know, some days I feel so overwhelmed by it and other days I go, okay, well, I'm just going to get through this minute and I have to do this or I have to do that.
Speaker 1:With that, you know, sometimes the smallest drop, if you think you're on the roller coaster could just be the worst. For me, sometimes it is. It's the smallest things that really remind me of her or make me feel like I really, really miss her. It's not always the big things, sometimes it is, but a lot of times it's the smaller things for it. So if you acknowledge to yourself that you know you're kind of on this roller coaster and you don't know how long you're going to be up and down, but that's okay. But as it goes on, I think that it's not quite as intense. You know, hopefully, for yourself.
Speaker 1:You know, because when you think about when you're on the roller coaster, it's like you try to brace yourself but you're still not prepared. Sometimes you just might feel dizzy and you don't know why. Or you just have this heavy feeling, or you feel like you just might feel dizzy and you don't know why. Or you just have this heavy feeling, or you feel like you just can't breathe, or you want to scream, and maybe you do need to scream, maybe you need to scream into your pillow or something and be like, oh, I just can't take it, because think about what happens when you do let yourself scream. Or you, you know, maybe for you it's that you go do a huge workout and you feel better. Or you have a big cry and you just feel better. That's okay. Or maybe you need a good laugh. Sometimes that's what you do. Sometimes that's what makes you feel better. Is you need to laugh? Maybe you're telling a story about your person and it makes you laugh and it makes you smile and you feel comforted, like they're there again. Maybe that's what you need at that point.
Speaker 1:You know, because there's just so many emotions with grief. When we're talking about the emotional side of it, you know you feel sad, you feel depressed, you feel hopeless, lonely, you might feel numb for a while. Or maybe you feel detached. You know, sometimes you just feel detached from your family, your friends. Like you just don't feel that connection. Or, like I said, I feel lost sometimes or confused, or maybe you just feel very overwhelmed. I think grief makes us feel very vulnerable. I really do, and I think being vulnerable is really hard for most people, myself included.
Speaker 1:You just don't know. You don't like this shaky feeling, like you're not on solid ground. Maybe you feel anxious. You just feel panic all the time, like you're just waiting for that other shoe to drop. You might feel guilty. You might feel regret or ashamed. You know you wish you could have done this or you would have, should have, could have and you may feel angry and bitter. You might feel a little relief, especially if you spent years caregiving. It's a lot to care, take care of somebody it really is. It takes a lot and you and you get to that point where you don't want them to be in pain. But then you feel guilty because you feel relief. You know it's that vicious cycle and you might feel hopeful and maybe you do feel a little peaceful because you know they aren't in any more pain with it. And you might feel all of these things within five minutes of each other. And that's okay if that's how you feel with it.
Speaker 1:You know, a lot of times too, we think about our mental reactions, right, we might always be thinking about the loss. I know for me I had trouble concentrating. I would be at work and I would be like, oh, did I do this? Oh, wait, that doesn't make sense, I can't focus, I can't concentrate. You don't want to say that to people that I know I'm not concentrating because I have all this grief, because then people look at you like you're crazy, right, you know, or maybe time gets distorted, like you can't remember was it last week, this week, or oh, I lost track of time. I was supposed to be here at something you know. Or maybe you're somebody who's always been very organized and you just feel so disorganized like you just can't get it together, or you feel forgetful I feel that a lot too or you have trouble making difficult decisions.
Speaker 1:I think there's a reason why they say the rule of thumb, especially like after the, for a year, after some, after a major loss, you really shouldn't make any major life decisions. Because I don't think I don't know if that you're capable of being able to make those big decisions. Because, let's face think, I don't know if that you're capable of being able to make those big decisions. Because, let's face it, sometimes the hardest decision to make is, you know, should I go to the grocery store today? Should I watch this on TV? So I mean, sometimes you don't have a choice, you have to make those.
Speaker 1:But that, and I know too, I have a lot of flashbacks. I think about days or the weeks that I was with my mom taking care of her. I think back, you know, to how she was. I think back to how she was before she got dementia, how she was during dementia, taking care of her, through all of that, and I can't help it. And I can't help it. It flashbacks to me sometimes on different days and times, and things that I brought or things that we talked about, both types of things and I realized, well, that's all normal. Of course I'm going to think about that, especially with anniversaries or holidays, or maybe it's a song you know, or I'm just thinking about talking to her, going and visiting her, because you feel lost after a while, especially when you're taking care of somebody, or even if it was sudden, all of a sudden you're like, okay, I don't have this person to call anymore, this is who I would have talked to, or how can they not be here?
Speaker 1:You think about those things and you run them in your head over and over and over again on those days. You know, sometimes you feel like it's a little obsessive, but maybe it isn't, maybe you're just trying to work through it and think about it with it. But those are all normal, normal reactions that you keep thinking about those types of things over and over and over again for it, because you're just trying to make sense of it all, trying to see what happens, you know, and I think that it is normal to think about how your life was before the loss, maybe during your loss and after the loss, because it is different and I think that it's okay to acknowledge it. It's okay to say that my life will never quite be the same again. That doesn't mean it's always going to be bad, and it's good to find those moments of joy when you can, even if it's something silly, it's good to find joy because really life is all of that, all of that mixed up together, the happy, the sad, the joyful, the angry, all of it.
Speaker 1:And grief kind of really makes you see all of that, you know, and I just think that it's important that we realize that grief isn't necessarily something to be fixed. It's something that you have to go through. It's something to acknowledge what your feelings are and to say it's okay. This is how I feel today, even though it is hard in this world, because we don't always accept it. We just want people to be okay, because we don't want to deal with that uncomfortable feeling of saying I really miss this person, because people don't like to talk about it. It makes them feel uncomfortable. So when you find that person or people that you are able to talk with, or whatever makes you happy, that feels that support for you, you know you need to be with them because they'll help you through this as well.
Speaker 1:So I hope this helped a little bit today as we go through grief and we'll keep talking about these things. So I hope you're able to, you know, find a little comfort with your little cup of tea, as my mom would say, because my mom would always say tea will make you feel better. Or a cup of coffee if it was a really rough day, a glass of wine for you and maybe you needed to read a book or sit and watch some TV and just relax and know it's okay. You know my mom used to say like in the end it'll be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end. So I hope you've joined, hope this helped us a little bit here on Patty's Place and until next time, like I said, have a cup of tea and join us as we try to find some comfort in the world. Thanks, woo, woo, woo.