Patty's Place
A place to talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. A place to find comfort when you are going through a difficult time.
A place to know you are not alone as you go through this difficult time.
Patty's Place
Meeting Them Where They Are: Finding Peace in the Dementia Journey
I would love to hear from you. Send me questions or comments.
Communicating with someone who has dementia requires entering their reality rather than expecting them to function in ours. Understanding that their brain is physically changing helps us respond with compassion instead of frustration.
• People with dementia aren't being difficult or stubborn on purpose—their brain function is deteriorating
• The person looks the same but their cognitive abilities have significantly changed
• Short-term memory loss means they genuinely don't remember instructions or conversations from minutes earlier
• "Agree, don't argue" is a fundamental principle in dementia communication
• It's okay to use calming stories rather than correcting misperceptions
• People with dementia only exist in the present moment—they don't recall the past or anticipate the future
• Redirection and reassurance are more effective than arguments about reality
• The goal should be providing peace and safety in what has become a frightening world for them
• Entering their world allows for meaningful connection despite cognitive decline
• The Alzheimer's Association website offers valuable resources for dementia communication
I would love to hear from you. Please send me an email through the website with your questions or topics you'd like me to address in future episodes.
Welcome to Patty's Place. I'm your host, lisa. It's a place where we will talk about grief, dementia, caregiving. So get yourself a nice cup of tea or a cup of coffee or a glass of wine if you're having a really rough day and let's just talk. Hopefully you find this a place of comfort for yourself.
Speaker 1:I thought today we would talk about how do you talk to a person with dementia, because it is different and as they continue on with the different stages as they go through, there will be different things that happen. With the different stages as they go through, there will be different things that happen. So learning to talk with a person with dementia is definitely a challenge. It's a learning experience because you have to learn how to figure out where your loved one is in the disease, but you also have to take yourself out of the communication. What I mean is you can't talk to them like you used to talk to them, so you have to kind of figure out where they're at and what you can say. And it's a challenge because you look at the person and they look the same, but they're not. Their brain is not the same. So what I mean is it's so easy to think well, I know they're this person, I know, they know what I'm talking about, but they don't. I hear so many times when I talk with people who, their loved ones, have dementia, they're like I know, they know this, I know this, but they don't, they don't understand it, they're not faking it. They really don't know who you're talking about. When you reference somebody or you even reference an item To them, they don't know the name of it. And a lot of times I hear that people get angry because they're thinking that their loved one is being stubborn or they're just doing this on purpose. But they're not. A person with dementia is never doing anything on purpose.
Speaker 1:It's hard to think about that your loved one doesn't remember who you are or doesn't remember simple things like how to turn the TV on and off, how to turn the lights off. I remember times when my mom stayed with me and I had to tell her five, 10 times in a row here, mom, just turn this switch off. And then she'd say what do I have to do again? And I'd be like here, it's right here, turn it off, the TV remote. You know a lot of times too, the TV remotes, the buttons are really small, so that's frustrating anyway, but I'd have to be like here, just turn this off right here, and then sometimes I would just do it for her. She wasn't doing it on purpose, she really didn't know. That's how bad her short term memory became. So it's hard to think that you know.
Speaker 1:Like I said, your loved one doesn't remember. And then it's frustrating because you're thinking how many times do I have to tell him how to do this? You know, I remember I was trying to show my mom how to just dial her cell phone and my mom, she only had a very simple flip phone and she only used her cell phone for emergencies. But I remember one time I literally probably spent almost 20 minutes with her showing her over and over and over again how she could call my dad, and she really she just didn't understand and so I was like it's okay, you know. So I got to be real honest.
Speaker 1:It makes me angry when I'm talking with caregivers and they say I know that, I know they know this person or I know they know how to do this. No, they don't. Their brain doesn't think about it, as their brain is shutting down Different parts of their brain, is shutting off the neurons, or I don't know the correct words so I shouldn't say it. It literally is shutting off. They're on like this. It's almost like think about it like Groundhog Day. It's like the same thing over and over again, but they don't remember. So they're not trying to be stubborn, they're not trying to be difficult.
Speaker 1:So I think for me, what I did was is I tried to think about the disease from my mom's point of view. I thought about it as her brain was dying. So think about can you imagine how scary it must be that you no longer know how to do something so simple as to turn off the lights or turn off the TV? Think about that for a second. Put yourself in that position. What if you honestly couldn't remember how to turn off the TV, how to use a light switch? How would you feel? And then you have someone looking right at you saying what do you mean? You don't know how to do it.
Speaker 1:So one of the first things that I did, or one of the first things I did, or one of the first things if you go to the Alzheimer's Association website, says with communication, when you're trying to communicate with the person who has dementia agree, don't argue. Think about it like this. Why is it so important as a caregiver that you're right? Does it really make a difference if your loved one is, you know, calling a cup a cookie? What difference does it make? Because if you're telling a person with dementia they know something, you're arguing with them. If you insist that they know so-and-so and they honestly don't remember, you're arguing with them. And a lot of times when you begin to argue with a person with dementia, they get agitated and sometimes it escalates to where they get aggressive and now you have to calm them down.
Speaker 1:So the best thing that I could tell you that worked for me was you have to enter their world. I cannot emphasize this enough. A person with dementia is no longer in your world. They're not, and I know how hard that is. It's hard to accept that they're not in the same world as you anymore, but they're not. They're in their own world. They may be back to when they're a kid. They may be back to when they're in college. You, as the caregiver, have to enter their world. If you want to connect with them and make your caregiving experience a little easier, then enter their world, their world. Don't expect them to be in your world, in the real world anymore, because they're not.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to say this it's okay to lie to them. What I mean is is you don't always have to tell them every little thing. An example of this is that my mom didn't know she had dementia. An example of this is that my mom didn't know she had dementia. If someone even hinted she had dementia, she would get very, very upset. So I realized what was the point of making her accept that she had dementia. It was one of her symptoms. She just didn't know she had it. A lot of people with dementia don't realize they have it. It's a common symptom. You can look it up on the Alzheimer's website. There's even a name for it which I can never pronounce. So what would have been the point for me to continually argue with her and make her accept she had dementia? That whole experience would have been awful.
Speaker 1:So I never said she had dementia. I never told her that. Even when she we had to, when I had to take her to doctors and stuff, I would tell her it was something about something else. Why, why upset her? Now I realize I know some people have a hard time with this, because you don't want to lie to your loved one, and I get it. I didn't want to lie to my mom. You don't want to lie to your loved one, and I get it. I didn't want to lie to my mom, but I kind of really wasn't lying to her. She didn't understand anyway.
Speaker 1:Because, think about it, why is it so important that a person with dementia know they have dementia? Because it isn't about the person who has dementia, it's about the caregiver. It's about the caregiver's feelings, it's not about the person with dementia. Because they don't understand. Now, most of the family members that I met when my mom was at her memory care facility an example of this is they didn't tell their family member they were entering memory care. Why? Because it would have upset them too much. Yeah, so we all lied, but it wasn't a lie that hurt them, it helped them, it kept them safe. So, like my mom, after a few days she thought she didn't even remember that she didn't live in memory care anymore. She thought she was at her grandma's house. Some of the residents thought they were back in college. Some thought they were in a building their employer bought for them. That's even how they that family member got them there. So you see, it didn't hurt them and it made them happy and made them feel safe. So you have to think about it from their point of view. To think about it from their point of view.
Speaker 1:And what's hard is, and what I'm trying to say, is that talking with a person who has dementia is being in the present moment with them, because a person with dementia only has the present moment. They don't remember the few minutes before and they don't think about the few minutes later. So if you're trying to tell them, oh, we got to do this, this, this and this today, they're going to ask you what do we have to do again today? Where do we have to go again today? So then you're going to get angry because you're going to say I told you this, but they really don't remember because their short-term memory is gone. So make it easy on yourself. Making a person with dementia be in our world, in my opinion, is cruel. I understand wanting to hang on to our loved one as we knew them Believe me, I do but you have to go on this journey with them. You have to meet them where they are, and every person with dementia goes on the journey differently, but they share similar stories A lot of times, as you talk with other family members who have their loved ones who have dementia or had dementia, you'll hear how they thought that their family members were stealing money from them or their significant other was cheating on them.
Speaker 1:It's okay to find a story that calms them down. My mom she believed that my dad was stealing all her money. My dad even wrote out things for her to see where all the money was, and I would show that to her too, but that never seemed to calm her down. She was convinced he was stealing all her money. Finally, I said to her one day I said you know what, mom, don't worry about it, I can get your money and she's like you can. And I said yeah. I said I live across straight from the bank. I said and me and Annie, her little dog, annie, who was her whole world. I said and me and Annie, her little dog, annie, who was her whole world. I said Annie and I will go over to the bank and we will get your money for you whenever you need it, and she's like you will. And I said yes, and that calmed her down every single time. So it's okay to find a story that calms them. I mean I could have went on and on and argued with my mom and said, oh, my dad's not stealing that money, he's not. And that just would agitate her and get her more upset, I guess for me.
Speaker 1:I realized I couldn't cure my mom. There was nothing I could do. Dementia was never going to be over, it was never going to be cured. But all my mom ever wanted was she wanted to have peace in her life. So I decided my goal was to give her peace because that was all I could give her. I couldn't stop what was going on in her brain. I couldn't stop what was going on in her body, but I could try to give her peace when I was with her and keep her safe. Now, it wasn't always easy when she got agitated or upset, but I would do my best to redirect her, to calm her down. Some days it was easier than others, but but I just wanted her to feel safe and feel peace. And I realize that what I'm saying is not easy. But I found, looking back now especially it's been over a year since my mom passed and even though I still miss her every day I realize that I was glad that I took that approach because I had those moments with her, glad that I took that approach because I had those moments with her. I still think about I miss her.
Speaker 1:You know, going and visiting her at memory care and, yes, I had to calm her down several times and sometimes it took me an hour, but I would always tell her it was okay, and sometimes she'd grab my hand and she'd be almost crying and she'd be like don't leave me, don't leave me, help me. And I would help her and I tell her I'm not leaving you, it's okay, I'm all right, I'll protect you. And it would slowly calm her down and sometimes I would redirect her. Sometimes, you know, she carried a baby around. That made her feel safe. So I'd always make sure she had her baby or something else. Or maybe I'd put something on TV or play music, or sometimes I just sat with her and told her it was going to be okay, I was here and she was safe, because that's what she always said to me.
Speaker 1:And so I can't express this enough when you are caregiving for a person with dementia and yeah, sometimes they do get aggressive and agitated, but you have to think about it from their point of view, think about how scary that is, that you no longer know that. Your world is so foreign to you you don't know how to do anything anymore and they're looking for someone to tell them it's safe, just like a toddler, just like a baby. That's why a lot of times they do go back and they look for their parents, even when their parents are dead. And my mom would ask for her mom. But I never said to her well, your mom is dead. I didn't say that to her. I'd be like, oh, all right, I'll call your mom. And sometimes I thought, oh, who could I call? That'll tell her it's her mom, because what harm would it do? She wasn't going to remember anyway. So I cannot urge you enough to.
Speaker 1:When you're with that care, you're with your loved one, and I realize it's very hard when you take care of a loved one 24 hours a day. But think about it from their point of view. I don't want to say have fun with it, but sometimes people with dementia say the funniest things and sometimes you just go along with their story. What harm does it do? As long as they're safe and they're in the house and they're protected, what difference does it make if you know, as long as they're safe and they're in the house and they're protected. What difference does it make if they're telling you so-and-so came, so what Say they did, what they look like?
Speaker 1:You know, sometimes I had the best conversations with my mom when she was telling me stuff that I knew wasn't true. But I was able to be with her in that present moment and I do. I cherish those memories now because she wasn't aggravated and I do, like I said, it makes me angry and it upsets me when I know people that they're taking care of family members who have dementia and it's so important to them that their family member understand this and they know. They know this. No, they really don't. So you're creating all this drama and all this anxiety and all these feelings when it comes down to the caregiver being able to accept that your loved one has dementia and you're grieving for them in that moment, even though they're still alive, and you're taking care of them. And that's really, really hard. It's very hard. Again, I'm not saying any of this is easy, but if you can remember and again, there's lots of different tips on the Alzheimer's Association website Agree, don't argue, especially if it's about something so silly and if your loved one really won't go somewhere, then don't go.
Speaker 1:You have to make adjustments. They are no longer in the same world as you. You have to enter their world and so if others don't understand or they don't like it, well, you're taking care of your loved one, and if it's going to be too much for that person to go, then they don't go. They're sick. It's no different than if a person had cancer. But people look at dementia differently and for some reason they force the person with dementia to do things that really just you know. They can't handle crowds and things like that and that's why they can get agitated. So as you begin this journey and as you're communicating, think about it from their point of view. Think about how scary that must be, and if you can think about it like that and try to agree with them again, as long as their safety's first.
Speaker 1:And sometimes she can have some fun, like I said, the example with the bank. I always calmed her down. I'm like Annie and I, me and the dog we'll just go to the bank and we'll get your money out, and she's like you will. I said, yes, we will, and that made her feel better, probably because she knew I was agreeing with her, probably because she knew I was agreeing with her. And again, what difference would it make if I would have kept arguing with her that my dad wasn't stealing the money? I knew my dad wasn't stealing the money. My dad knew he wasn't stealing the money. And it calmed my mom down, it made her feel safe that somebody was listening to her.
Speaker 1:So I want you to think about those things when you're talking to the person with dementia Because, again, they're in a very scary world. So agree with them, enter their world. Don't make them enter the real world, because they're not there anymore and it's very hard as a caregiver to accept that. So I want I'm going to talk more about communicating with people with person with dementia here at Patty's Place. I would love to hear from you. Please send me an email if you'd like.
Speaker 1:If you go on to, if you're listening, I accept emails from there to talk about any questions. If there's things you want me to talk about, questions you want me to answer. If I don't have the answer, I will find the answer for you. I'll do my best for it. Like I said, I want this to be a place of comfort, a place where you can find what you're looking for. At least know that you're not alone when you're dealing with grief or dementia and caregiving, that there's somebody here that listens and understands with it, because dementia is very, very, very difficult, and so is grief, and so is caregiving for it. So please reach out. I'd love to hear from you as we talk about it. So I hope you enjoyed this edition of Patty's Place. Yeah, I hope you enjoyed your cup of tea, your cup of coffee or a glass of wine, and I will see you next time right here on Patty's Place.