Patty's Place
A place to talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. A place to find comfort when you are going through a difficult time.
A place to know you are not alone as you go through this difficult time.
Patty's Place
Grief's Playlist: Movies, Music, and Memories That Heal
Welcome to Patti's Place, a place where you can find comfort and understanding about grief, dementia and caregiving. So pour yourself a cup of tea, coffee or, if it's been a really bad day, grab a glass of wine and let's sit and hopefully you find some comfort. So today I thought we would talk about how we can keep our loved ones close even when they're gone. I think it's important to stay close to our loved ones even when we learn, even when we are learning to adjust to life without them, and sometimes it's really hard to stay connected to them. Some days they feel so far away and the hurt is just unbearable and all we can feel is how much we miss them. Some days they feel so far away and the hurt is just unbearable and all we can feel is how much we miss them, and that's okay. Sometimes for me, when I want to feel close to my mom, I'll wear some of her clothing or I like to tell stories about her with her friends or people who knew her and loved her. For me, I find comfort in talking about her. She was here, she lived, she made a difference and I want her memory to continue. I know sometimes some people have a hard time talking about their loved ones because it hurts too much For me. Like I said, I find great comfort in being able to talk about my mom, share some of her funny stories or things she used to say or things she used to do. I find comfort in remembering those things with her, the things we did together or just little things. An example my dad and I went. We were out to eat the one day and you know we got to-go boxes and we both laughed because my mom always had a hard time with the to-go boxes. She could never figure out which was the top and which one was the bottom and the place that we were at they had their name on the top. So we were like this would have made it really easy for her because this was the top. And it was always funny because she always got it wrong with the boxes. She always struggled with that. But it made us both laugh because we were like that was her with the to-go boxes. She always had a hard time with it. You know, I also sometimes like to wear some of her clothing. I have a couple of her T-shirts or her sweaters that sometimes I like to wear because I just feel comforted, knowing that she's close. You know, there were things that she always wore and it just makes me feel close. I also have a blanket on my bed that that was the blanket that was on her when she passed. And sometimes, when I can't, I have a hard time falling asleep. Sometimes I just pull that blanket close and I just think about her and I feel close to her. Then you know, and I've also learned, that we can do rituals that we can do for ourself. Maybe we say a prayer or we do a meditation or we do something that they like to do For my mom's birthday this year.
Speaker 1:It was her first. It wasn't technically her first birthday without her, but it was the first one that we celebrated without her, because she passed on January 6th of last year and her birthday was January 16th, but we actually ended up having her service on her birthday. Now some people might thought that might have been a little weird, but we decided that we would celebrate her life that day and we actually even had a birthday cake for her. So this year was the first like real birthday without her. So I went to a tea room with her friend and friends of the family and we my mom loved anything about tea and she loved to learn about the tea rooms and it was something she would have liked to do and we had the best time because we had tea with her and we had a little some of the little cakes and stuff the tea cakes because my mom always loved all that and I felt really close to her. We felt like she was there with us as we were celebrating her birthday in a tea room. So maybe you do something that they always like to do or go to a place that they always like to go to.
Speaker 1:For me, sometimes, too, when I want to feel close to them, I will watch movies or shows about grief. And it might sound funny. You might be like, why do I want to watch something about that? But for me, I find comfort in seeing others experience the same thing as me. I don't feel so alone. I feel sometimes I even learn something. I find that I find this comfort, this peace. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh.
Speaker 1:Some of my favorite movies about grief there was one. It's a I think it's a 2014 movie. It's called this Is when I Leave you. It starts. It stars Jason Bateman and Jane Fonda and Tina Fey and it's about a family whose father has died and the father's last wish is for them to sit for Shiva. I just love this movie.
Speaker 1:I have watched this movie I don't know how many times, because I think, the more I think about it. I think it's because they show grief in so many different ways. I think about it. I think it's because they show grief in so many different ways and it shows how everyone deals with grief in a different way. With it there's laughter, there's tears, and it also, I think too, it shows how it addresses how life goes on even in the middle of your grief, like you can't control it. There are things that happen in the movie that they have to deal with. They're major things and but they're still grieving, and it talks about how how sometimes you you feel like you just can't cry. It addresses that or you laugh or you think about what life could have been or what should have been, and and then it also addresses your family relationships and things like that. So for me that one is a big one. I love that movie. I find great comfort in it with it because it's not a heavy. I guess in a way it's a heavy movie, but they address it in such a way where you find for me like I said, I find a lot of peace, a way where you find for me, like I said, I find a lot of peace.
Speaker 1:Another really good movie about grief is called the Starling. It stars Melissa McCarthy and Chris O'Dowd which, when you think of that, they're both comedians. So you think, oh, this is a funny movie. It's not a funny movie at all. I mean, there are some comedic aspects to it, but it's not. It's a very serious movie. I think why I like this movie too is that it addresses anger and grief, because a lot of times we don't like to talk about that. You know, some days you just feel angry about that your loved one is gone. So this movie does address that. It also addresses the helplessness and despair you feel, especially if your loved one had died suddenly. It really goes into a lot of details with that and how you feel and how you cope. It has a lot to do with coping, this particular movie and what you can do and different ways that come up and that, and so I've seen that movie several times as well and I always feel good at the end about it. And they get the name from, because the starling is about a bird and the bird plays a role in the movie.
Speaker 1:There's another one that Dan Levy did called Good Grief. That one's a good one too as well For it. I've seen that one, I think, at least once. There's also another movie about loss. It's called Love Again. That one it's a little bit different because it shows different types of loss. It is about a death, but it's also about breakup and heartache and stuff, and it's more on the romantic side. But it also shows you all the different ways you go through with grief and loss and how it is such a roller coaster ride up and down with it. And it's got really good music in it too as well. So sometimes I find that I'll watch these things and I might feel bad, but then at the end I'm like I feel better.
Speaker 1:If you're looking for a really good documentary about grief, there's one. They did it all about Christopher Reeves. It's his three kids that did it and it's such a powerful documentary. I did cry at the very end because one of the statements that they make is that they talk about how they just felt alone from that day forward. And it was so powerful to me because my mom was my person. She was the one I went to. She was the one that knew how to comfort me. She knew how to talk to me. She knew how to make me feel better. She knew me better than I knew me and I miss that. I miss that connection and I do feel alone. So I think when I watch movies or shows, I don't feel quite as alone because I see other people going through the same thing, the other one. If you're looking for a good TV show that was on for six months, six seasons, this Is Us. It's definitely an excellent show, in my opinion, about grief and loss. It also depicts dementia very accurately. It really shows dementia and what you go through and what caregivers go through, and about the denial and about how hard it is. In her particular case, in that one, she knew she had it, but it really shows what you go through and the decisions you have to make with that and with any caregiving it is. So I mean, it is six seasons, but it's definitely a good one, as they talk about a lot of heartache, a lot of loss with it.
Speaker 1:Another way that I find comfort or I feel close to my mom is through music. My mother gave me the love of music. No matter what genre of music you like, there's always a song that can match how you feel. I think that's why I love music so much, because it expresses what you can't sometimes. Some days I put on the same song over and over and over again and I just listen to it and it makes me feel better. There's a song by an artist called Will Dempsey. It's a song that's called Beat you there, and some days that's what I listen to over and over again. Sometimes I listen to her favorite artist. She loved Barry Manilow. She used to always say that Barry knows pain, and so some days I listen to that. My mom even so much, as she picked out all the songs that she wanted at her service long before she ever got sick, and so I have those songs on a playlist. Some days I listen to that. Some days it's just too hard to listen to those songs. But sometimes, when I'm having really bad days, a song that I know she would love boom, it'll pop up on the radio. So it's like I know she's there. I think too.
Speaker 1:Music and TV give me that place to cry and laugh and feel connection when I can't talk to anyone in that moment, because there are days isn't there, where you're just like I, just I can't talk. It's not that I don't have anybody to talk to, I just don't know what I want to say. I just maybe you feel angry, maybe you feel hurt, maybe you just feel despair or, too, that I feel comforted by watching TV and movies and music, because I used to do that with my mom all the time. We used to sit and watch TV all the time and all different shows and that, and, like I said, she gave me the love of music. I remember listening to music when I was little. You know she'd said she gave me the love of music. I remember listening to music when I was little. You know she'd put the vinyl records on and we would listen, and so I feel close to her when I do those things, because those were things that we used to do all the time.
Speaker 1:I know sometimes it's hard, maybe with music, to listen to the music that they used to love, because it hurts. You think about how much they loved it and you just can't quite do it. And that's okay, because maybe there's gonna come a day when you can listen to it or you can watch their favorite movie or their favorite TV show. You know, it might sound silly. Like you know, I just can't watch it right now. It hurts. That's okay. Acknowledge that, because maybe there's going to be another day that you can listen to that song or you can watch that show and you find comfort, you find peace that they're there with you with it.
Speaker 1:I think that the point today is that you have to find what makes you feel good about your loved one, find the thing that honors them. Maybe you love taking pictures, so maybe you make a collage of all your favorite pictures with it, or you finish a project they were working on or one that they always wanted to do. That's another way where you can feel close to your loved one with it. You know, maybe there were things that they love to do. Or maybe your loved one loved to bake.
Speaker 1:You know, sometimes I have found in this past year or so like all of a sudden, I just wanted to make one of my mom's favorite recipes she used to do. You know, she left me all her recipes long before she got sick. She handed me this book that she put together. Of it was some were handwritten recipes. My mom also used to love the little cookbooks and everything. So she would cut out recipes and then she'd put them in the little plastic sleeve and she had it in this book. So I had this book. So sometimes I go through it and I'm like I'm just going to make this because it makes me think of her and I know what she used to make and she taught me how to bake too.
Speaker 1:So sometimes I find comfort doing those types of things. So maybe that's what you do for it, or maybe your person loved to, they were crafty, and that's what you want to do. And if you can't do it right now, that's okay too. Just you can find ways where you find comfort and peace while you're experiencing your grief. You know you don't have to be sad all the time and if you feel that way, that's okay too. And then I know sometimes you feel guilty if you're having a good day because you think I shouldn't feel this way. But it's okay if you have that. Think I shouldn't feel this way, but it's okay if you have that, because what I'm learning on this journey because grief is a journey is that grief is a feeling which will never go away In the long run, I think it's better to make friends with your grief than push it away and run away from it, because you can't run away from it.
Speaker 1:It'll come back up in all different ways. So I have found and as I talk with grief counselors, and that you need to make peace with your, you need to make friends with your grief and I know that sounds really crazy, but it's like being with your friend. It might not you might not always agree with your friend on that day, and sometimes grief might take over. Where you're like I can't face the world today, I just can't. Maybe it's an anniversary or maybe it's a holiday coming up and you're like I just I can't, I can't acknowledge it. That's okay. And it's hard because there's a lot of people in this world where they'll tell you no, you have to do it, you just have to, but you don't. If that's not what you can do today, that's okay, because maybe next time you can, maybe if you give yourself that grace to say I can't do it this time, maybe you can't celebrate Easter, or you can't celebrate the 4th of July this year, maybe you can't celebrate Mother's Day, that's okay.
Speaker 1:You do what you have to do, because if you acknowledge it and you make friends with it and maybe you just need to ignore it or whatever it is, if you make friends with your grief and you say, I'm really sad today, I'm just sad because what I've found is that when you're able to say that maybe it only lasts for a little while, maybe it will last all day, but maybe it only lasts an hour or two, and then you start to feel a little better. Maybe that's the day you binge, watch all your favorite sad movies, you know. Or maybe you say you know what? I'm going to just watch all comedies today, because that's what I need. I need to laugh today. That's okay too. Or you play all the sad music. Or maybe you say today's the day I'm going to listen to all their favorite music and maybe you cry all day. Now someone might say why did you do that? But I bet you felt a lot better if you did with it.
Speaker 1:So the point being is that if you make peace with your grief, you make friends with your grief, because I don't know that you ever really. I think at some point you make peace with it, but it takes a long time to admit that grief's always going to be a part of your life, because your loved one was a part of your life. And just because they're physically not here anymore, it doesn't mean they're still not a part of your life. They're part of who you are and that's where I think that honoring them is a way to make you happy as well For me. I do this podcast to honor my mom, because she was always that person that people came and talked to. She was always that one, especially when people were sick or they were going through a rough time. She would listen and she just kind of had that gift.
Speaker 1:And it's hard at times if you're doing something that you want to honor your loved one or other people might not understand, but you just have to. Don't worry about what someone else says. If it brings you peace and it makes you feel close to your loved one, that's what's important. And it might change after a while. You know like, maybe you know, maybe you put up all these pictures and then after a few months or a few years, you, while you know like maybe you know, maybe you put up all these pictures and then after a few months or a few years, you go. You know what. I want to change it up. This is what I want to do.
Speaker 1:Or maybe you took that trip that they always wanted to take and then you're. You feel different now and maybe you want to do something else. That's okay too, because what I'm learning with all of this is that grief is a living, breathing, ever-changing emotion. It's never the same. It's the roller coaster ride. You're up and down and all around, and some days you handle the grief easier than others. Some days grief wins, and that's okay too. That's why I think it's important when you're able to find rituals or you're able to find different things that make you feel at peace. In that, and maybe it's too, maybe you do go to a support group and you find other people that you can talk to, because, as you find on this journey, not everyone will understand what you're going through.
Speaker 1:A lot of people think you know there's these steps to grief and you just boom, you should be over it by now. They don't want to talk about it, and it's hard because maybe you still need to talk about it. I mean, I know for me, I don't never want to stop talking about my mom, I just don't. You know, it doesn't mean I, she was alive. Like I said, she lived, she breathed, she made a difference. You know, I always want to talk about her or joke about the things that she did and stuff. It makes me feel good and I know a lot of people have a hard time talking about that person, but that's on them.
Speaker 1:So sometimes you do have to seek out others that are going through what you're going through, because they understand and you can easily talk to them and you need that. You need to be able to say, yes, I understand, I know what you're going through, I have a really good idea and that's a bond that never really goes away when you find other people that feel and have gone through what you go through. You know, and it's always hard, you know, because we honor our loved ones right after they pass. But then people are like you need to go right, go right back to how it was and it isn't so. That's why it's okay to find some private rituals that you may need to help them, you know, or maybe it's something. You light a candle in memory of them, maybe that's what makes you feel good in that moment to honor them and it's okay to.
Speaker 1:I talk to my mom all the time, you know, and that's okay. I mean, I know she's not here, but I still talk to her. I feel like she's still watching over me. She still, she still give me signs, with those types of things. So I think, as you're, as we're traveling on this ever-changing rollercoaster ride of grief, we need to just know that, like I said, it's a living breathing ever-changing emotion and we need to find different ways that make us find comfort, make us find ways to honor our loved ones and ways to stay connected to them on the days that we really feel like we need to with it. And it's okay, it's really okay.
Speaker 1:If others don't understand. You have to do what makes you feel good in that moment, because it's hard, it's, it's just hard. Grief is hard because it changes. One day, you, you, you may wake up and feel really good and then, boom, there might be that song that you and you hear, that song that they loved, and you're like, oh, that's it your whole day. You know you're crying in your car and you know what. Your whole day, you know you're crying in your car and you know what. That's okay, and I know not everyone will understand that, but hopefully you can find some, somebody that does, or hopefully, just listening to this will make you feel like you know what. It's okay that I cried my eyes out in the car. It's okay Because crying is cathartic or angry or that.
Speaker 1:So you know, maybe check out some of the movies that I shows that I told you about, or music, if that's what you want, or, hey, send me. You can always send me an email on my website. I'd love to hear from you if there's other movies or music that you like to listen to. That helps people. That's a great way to, like I said, to find different ways to honor.
Speaker 1:It just made me think about it these days because you know we have Easter and stuff like that coming up and Mother's Day, and those are just hard days sometimes. But I think we're going to talk some more about that as we come up in the next few weeks here. So I hope you found some peace today. I hope you enjoyed your cup of tea or cup of coffee or, if it was a really bad day, a glass of wine, and I hope you find some comfort and know that you're not alone with this grief and your whole journey for that, and definitely send me an email if you have comments or things you want to learn about as well. So again, thank you for joining me here at Patty's Place.