Patty's Place
A place to talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. A place to find comfort when you are going through a difficult time.
A place to know you are not alone as you go through this difficult time.
Patty's Place
Just Because I'm Dressed Doesn't Mean I'm Okay
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Ever feel like you're drowning in caregiving responsibilities while your own needs fade silently into the background? In this raw, honest exploration of caregiver burnout, we dive deep into the often-overlooked world of self-care during life's most challenging chapters.
Caregiving demands everything from us—our time, energy, patience, and heart. When caring for someone with dementia or navigating the complex landscape of grief, we excel at fighting for others while forgetting to advocate for ourselves. The result? A dangerous pattern of self-neglect disguised as strength or duty.
This episode unpacks practical, accessible ways to incorporate genuine self-care into even the most demanding caregiving schedules. From simple emotional release strategies (screaming into pillows, aggressive baking, or coloring apps) to establishing vital boundaries with well-meaning friends, we explore how small moments of self-compassion can prevent caregiver collapse. The truth is refreshingly simple: if you become sick or burned out, you can't effectively care for your loved one.
Beyond practical tips, we tackle the deeper challenges of caregiver self-compassion—the comparison trap, the difficulty accepting help, and the powerful realization that just because you're "up, dressed, and at work" doesn't mean you're okay. Learn why telling someone they're "so strong" rarely helps and why validating the genuine difficulty of their situation often provides more comfort than solutions.
Whether you're deep in the caregiving trenches or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers perspective-shifting insights that honor both the caregiver and the cared-for. Remember: taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's essential to sustainable caregiving.
Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where you can sit and relax as we talk about topics as grief, dementia and caregiving. So pull up a cup of tea, a cup of coffee or a glass of wine if that's what you need. Tonight and today. I thought we would talk about self-care and self-compassion when you're caregiving and also as you're going through grief, because we tend to always take care of everybody else but it's hard to take care of ourself, to find that time to do what we need to do. But it's just as important because you have to think about it. If you get sick, you're not feeling good. How do you take care of your loved one? So sometimes we hold a lot Well, I can only speak for myself, but we hold a lot in our body, right? We hold a lot of emotion in our body and sometimes you just have to allow yourself space to release that emotion, even in a healthy way. Maybe you're just having a day and you're like I just need to scream, it's just too much. So maybe find a safe place to scream, maybe scream into your pillow. If that's what you need to do, you might feel better. Maybe for some people, they need to go exercise. Whether you go for a run, a walk in the pool, you take a class. Maybe that helps you. Maybe it's listening to some music that can help you release. Maybe it's listening to a bunch of sad, sad songs and you cry, you know. Or maybe you're listening to a lot of angry music and it makes you feel better because you just need to get that out with it. You know, maybe you need to punch a pillow or play with some Play-Doh over and over and over again. Or maybe you need to punch a pillow or play with some playdough over and over and over again. Or maybe you need to bake something and you take out the rolling pin and you smash things and you're rolling out. Get all your aggression out. Maybe that's what you need to do. When it makes you feel better, maybe you want to write it out. Maybe that makes you feel better. You can go ahead and write out. Maybe you journal or you just write out how you're feeling in that moment. Journal or you just write out how you're feeling in that moment. Maybe for you, you want to draw. You know it helps you, it relaxes you. You draw, you know there's a lot of drawing apps or there's coloring apps. Maybe that's what makes you feel better.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I would come home from after seeing my mom and I literally would take my iPad and I would play games and I would color, because I just needed to just shut down. I couldn't think, I just didn't want to think and I'd put the TV on and that's what I would do. Next thing I knew an hour had gone by and I had spent an hour on the iPad playing Candy Crush and coloring, you know. But it made me feel better and maybe, maybe again, like, maybe it's something you just need comfort from, maybe it's something low energy or you just need low brain power for a while. Like I said, listening to music or even nature sounds. I know for me sometimes that's how I, you know, I get I'd have a day and I'd go see her and I'd come home and I'd try to relax or try to do what I needed to do, and then it'd be time for me to go to bed and then there I'd be and all these things would rush through my head and I couldn't sleep. And I found, for me, nature sounds could always make me go to sleep. For me, it was the rain sounds for it, so that might help. You might find some sounds that just help you relax and the rain sounds for it, so that might help. You might find some sounds that just help you relax and help you sleep with it. Or you know what? Maybe you need to go in and take a hot shower. Maybe that helps you in the morning or in the evening, or maybe at night. You just need to say you know what, I'm going in and I'm taking a nice bath and I just need to relax and leave me alone for a minute.
Speaker 1:It's hard when you're caregiving, because you're always thinking, you're always doing, you're always trying to take care of that person. So you've got your own life to take care of. But then you're always thinking I have doctor's appointments to schedule for this person, I have prescriptions I need to take care of. You know, are they missing diapers? Are they missing pads? You know, what is it that I need? Maybe I need to go get them new clothes. Do I need to order them a special chair? What about a walker? You're thinking of all these things that you need to do, and you also have to take care of yourself. What about your prescriptions, or your doctor's appointments, or your appointments? Or maybe you're also still taking care of kids and you have all of their issues that you need to take care of. So it's a lot. So maybe you say you know what a half hour, 45 minutes I'm going to take a bath and I don't care, don't bother me.
Speaker 1:But it's hard when you're caregiving because you're always thinking about the other person and everything else and you get really tired. For some people it might be that they can't sleep. Other people, all they can do is sleep and maybe that's okay. Maybe you just find a really comfy chair or your bed. Maybe you go up there early to bed or you sit in the chair and you're like I'm putting on TV, I'm putting on Netflix, I don't know what I'm watching and you fall asleep and maybe that's what you need for that hour. And again, maybe that's where you watch a show or a movie. Or you know you scroll and you're watching YouTube or that, or TikTok or Instagram, and you just want to do that.
Speaker 1:Maybe you find, you know, maybe for you, watching dog videos makes you happy. You know there's so many of those Like for me. Watching dog videos makes you happy. You know there's so many of those Like for me. That makes me laugh. That always makes me happy. I can find the dog videos and it makes me smile, you know, because I love dogs or something like that. Or you know, maybe you're just like I can't. I just can't watch anything that has to do with grief or anything that's sad, and that's okay. I just can't watch anything that has to do with grief or anything that's sad, and that's okay. Maybe that's when you put on those comforting shows like Friends or Big Bang Theory or any show that makes you laugh or cry, or just you find comfort in it. You know, maybe it's an old show, maybe it's a new show, and you just put them on and maybe you fall asleep to it, but you just feel that comfort Because even in those half hour you need that.
Speaker 1:You need to just block everything out and just rest for a little bit. Make sure you drink a lot of water and you stay hydrated. It sounds crazy, but sometimes when you're running, running, running, trying to take care of the person whether they're living with you or they're in a facility you're running. You have to take care of yourself, and sometimes you're so tired you're like oh, I'll stop at Starbucks, I'll stop at Dunkin', I'll get that iced coffee, I'll be okay, I keep running, running, running. But your body needs fluids, so it's important that you drink fluids and stretch too. That might sound crazy too. You're like, no, I'm running, I got to do this, I got to do that. But sometimes taking those 10 minutes just to stretch your body can help you as well.
Speaker 1:And for some people, when we're in the middle of grief or when we're in the middle of caregiving, we forget to eat, like we don't even check in with ourselves Are we hungry? It's important that you eat too, because maybe you're so busy and so worried about making sure that your loved one eats. I know for a long time it would be with my mom. We would be checking like did she eat anything? At the end, I would go to Dunkin Donuts every morning because she would eat the plain donut with the just the icing chocolate or strawberry or vanilla with the sprinkles, and she would eat it, and at that point I didn't care if it was high calorie. At least it was something that she ate. You know, my dad and I would go to the store and sometimes we'd stand in the store and be like okay, maybe she'll eat this, maybe she'll eat that. So it's important that you eat too for it, and sometimes we find that we we navigate towards that comfort food, and that's okay too.
Speaker 1:You know, when you're going through taking care of your loved one or your grief, sometimes you need that ice cream, or you need that cupcake or cookie or that piece of candy that makes you feel better, and that's okay. You know, sometimes you just need that for it and maybe you find yourself finding some comforting rituals. Or maybe it's a spiritual practice, maybe it's meditation or breathing exercises that you can learn, and just maybe that's what you do when you're feeling overwhelmed in the middle of everything. Maybe you take a minute and you just breathe. It sounds crazy, but sometimes if you just sit there and you just let yourself have some deep breaths and you can feel a little bit better.
Speaker 1:For some people, scents also makes you feel better. Some people, like I'm going to light a candle or incense and maybe you're going to diffuse some essential oils, and those make you feel better. For that, you know, maybe those are the little things that you do. Just find something. I know sometimes for me, especially at night, if I'm having a hard time sleeping with it, I'll grab the blanket that was on my mom. She had the blanket on her last week and sometimes I just grab it and I hold it at night because it just makes me feel close to her. Maybe there's a blanket, a piece of clothing or something that you have with it.
Speaker 1:And then also, you need to make sure that you think about compassionate thoughts, think about things that make you feel better and be able to say you know, I did this today and that's okay. Or maybe you say, you know what? I didn't get it all done today, and that's okay. I have a hard time with that one, because I'm always thinking about, yeah, but I should have done this and I should have done that and I should have been doing this and that. And it's hard because we're always thinking I should just keep doing things, but it isn't always. Sometimes you have to take that minute and relax with things and, I think too, also with compassion, self-compassion.
Speaker 1:I think, whether we're going through caregiving or we're going through grief, I think that there are some things that we need to think about for ourself, because don't you find yourself sometimes you compare your traumas or your grief with people in the caregiving? You know, and I think we need to it's hard not to, especially if you have friends that are going through similar things. It's hard to not compare it, but you shouldn't, because everybody's experience is different. Everybody experiences grief differently. Everybody experiences caregiving differently. There are a lot of similarities, but we shouldn't compare it. So maybe, when you're talking to your friends, ask the questions so you can connect by showing different curiosity about your experience instead of comparing them, because, again, there are going to be things that are similar but there's going to be things that are different.
Speaker 1:I also think, too, we don't need to always fact check or correct. You know, especially when we're caregiving and we're in the middle of things and we're in the middle of grief, don't you find yourself sometimes that your timelines get messed up Like you think it happened, you know, two months ago and maybe it was two years ago with it? It's important when you're talking, especially with other people, and hopefully you can say to them too, for yourself, that they respect the experience. It's not so important who's correct, and that's hard sometimes right, because we're listening and people jump in and they want to tell you oh no, this is what you're supposed to do, this is how it happened. It's hard, and sometimes people just need to talk with it. So when you're trying to deal with your grieving friend, or even yourself or other family members, and that sometimes it's just let them be, it's not so important, sometimes who's right.
Speaker 1:But I also think too, you, sometimes I think that for ourself, whether we're caregiving or we're going through grief, I know, sometimes I think I minimize my own thoughts or my own situation and I think, oh, it's not that bad or it wasn't that bad, even though it really was. And I also think too, it's important to not minimize other people's grief too. You know, maybe you think, oh my God, can't they just stop? You know this is so out of proportion. But we have to remember everybody's caregiving experience is their own and everybody's grief is their own. So it doesn't really matter what you think about the other person, what they're going through. You shouldn't minimize it. This is what they're feeling, this is what they're going through.
Speaker 1:And so being again it's also self-compassion. It's also knowing, too, to be able to set your boundaries and be able to say you know what? Okay, I need to change the subject, because maybe you're not ready to talk about it when you're with your friends. That's self-compassion too. Maybe you know you need to change the subject with it and don't minimize and think that you know you're not important compliments. You know, when someone's in pain Just because if you're in pain, when you're caregiving and you're going through grief and someone's like, yeah, but you're so strong, you're so wonderful, that doesn't really help that person.
Speaker 1:That's not really. You know, when you're trying to be self-compassionate to yourself, it's hard because you don't feel that way and then someone's telling you you're just wonderful and you think, no, I'm not. Or they tell you how strong you are and you think, no, I'm not. I don't even know what strong is, and sometimes that would make me mad. When people are like you're so strong, I'm like, what does that even mean? So I think that you need to also, when you're talking with somebody, say I don't know what strong means. When that's great, you think I'm wonderful.
Speaker 1:But right now, in this moment, I don't feel that I'm going through too much, and I've realized too, through this caregiving experience and grief, that people really don't know how to talk to each other about these things. We have these set things that we say and it's hard, it's just really hard, and I think what that, too, is. Some people just think, oh, I just need to be your cheerleader and tell you it's going to be okay and you're going to get through it. Well, maybe in that moment you don't know if you're gonna make it. Maybe you feel like I can't do this anymore, I'm failing, I just can't do it.
Speaker 1:And for me, what I found is when someone said it's okay, yeah, this situation really sucks, this is terrible. It's okay, yeah, this situation really sucks, this is terrible, you're going through a really difficult situation. It made me feel so much better than someone cheering me on and saying you can do this and you're strong and you can handle it all, because maybe in that moment you don't feel like you can handle it. So, being compassionate to your friends and being compassionate to yourself, to be able to say this is really hard and this is really difficult and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. It's okay to feel that for a few minutes or even for a day, because when you acknowledge it and you sit in that feeling for a little while, you start to feel a little better, like, okay, all right, this is hard, this is difficult, but all right, I can do this. One thing I can get this. One thing, you know.
Speaker 1:And the other thing I found too with self-compassion, especially in caregiving and things it's hard to talk about later. It's hard, you know people want to make plans with you. Oh, what about this or what about that? Well, your life is on hold in so many different ways because you want to say, sure, I can meet you, you know, next week, but maybe you don't know how your loved one's going to feel next week, or maybe you don't know how you're going to feel next week, so it's hard to talk about later. We're kind of always in the present moment, even when we don't want to be, but we kind of are. And that's okay, you know, it's really okay. You know, if you tell somebody say I can make tentative plans with you, provide it. You know, xyz is, you know, okay, or I'm feeling okay, I can do it.
Speaker 1:Because when you're caregiving things change all the time. Sometimes they change at the last minute. Sometimes you think everything's going okay and then boom, something happens. I think too it's hard. We don't want to always tell everybody well, this worked for me because it might not work for the other person. So I think that we have to learn to trust that we figure out what works for us with self-care and also with our friends what works for them when it comes to self-care. Cause it's hard, you know, cause we want to share and we want to be like, oh, this worked for me. But just cause it worked for me doesn't mean it'll work for you with it, you know, I have found that I try really hard.
Speaker 1:You know, when people ask me about stuff, I tell them about my experience. What worked with you know, with me and with my mom and with the help that we got. You know, for me we brought in hospice and serious illness care and it was wonderful, it was absolutely wonderful. I still can't tell you how much help that they brought in and a lot of people don't want to do that. They think they can do it, they can handle it, and it's not so much about that you can't handle it, but at a certain point you need help. And I know a lot of people don't want to do it and that's okay, that's their choice with it. But I have found that when people go, oh, let me look into this, and then they do do it, they're like, oh, my God, this was such a relief, so much that I have this support and I have this help, not only for my loved one but for me. And if people choose not to, that's okay too.
Speaker 1:But it's hard, because sometimes you want to tell people, hey, this will work, and you just have to step back if you know that person's not going to do that. I also think, too, that goes along with a lot of times when, especially when you're in the middle of caregiving or you are in the middle of grief, your friends and your family want to give you solutions, and sometimes don't you just feel like you just want to be like, hey, I just need to vent, I just need to say this is what's going on, and it's hard. I don't necessarily want you to tell me to do ABC and all these things that I can do. I don't want a solution, I just need to vent. And so I think that the best thing we can do is make sure that the person wants you to get. They want that consent, that they want that advice. Because it's hard when you see people struggling, you want to fix it for them.
Speaker 1:But everybody's different, even if you know in the back of your mind, hey, if they do X, y, z, this will work. But every situation is different and it's really hard and that's part of self compassion when you're caregiving and when you're going through grief for yourself and also for everybody else, it's just so hard, you know, to think about yourself because we're always thinking about other people, especially if we are a caregiver. Because we're always thinking about other people, especially if we are a caregiver, we're always thinking about how we can help the other people and everyone else kind of just goes. You know you don't think about yourself anymore. You think you're thinking I need to do this and I need to do that. And it's really hard to step back and give yourself those five, 10 minutes. You know everyone thinks. You know, oh, self-care it's. You know I'm going to go and I'm going to get a massage and I'm going to go through all these other things. But it doesn't necessarily mean it's a big massage or things like that.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we find too that we think that if we just keep moving, we just keep working, working, working, staying busy, that that's how we cope. But really I mean you can do that, but then it always comes back to you. The one thing I have learned is that you really can't run from your feelings. They're going to come back to you one way or another with it. So a lot of times it's just important for you to find that safe place to be able to say how you feel. And sometimes a safe place is finding a person that you can talk to, someone who's going to listen to you and not judge you and not, you know, just tell you what to do Because, again, sometimes you just need to cry, Sometimes you just need to scream, you need to just say I can't do this.
Speaker 1:And for those few minutes, those few hours, it's okay to say I can't do this right now, because you're trying to make sense of what your loss is. You're trying to stay connected to your loved one and it's just hard. It's just really, really hard, no matter how you look at it, with it. And you have to figure out too. You have to figure out what self-care and self-compassion is.
Speaker 1:Thinking about your triggers too, and I think those are really hard to figure out as well, and we don't always think about those as self-care. I have a hard time with that. I don't always think about that as my self-care, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that triggers are self-care and what I mean. You know, a trigger could be something where, for me it's hard when some people start talking about maybe certain situations in their life or discussing some of their grief or situations in their grief. Sometimes I know, oh, this is going to make me feel way too raw, I'm going to be right there and this isn't the place that I need to think about those things. And it's hard to either try to change the subject or to say to someone, hey, I can't talk about this right now. It doesn't mean you can never talk about it, it just means in that moment you just you can't. You know, and those are hard, so it's hard to figure out what you can do to change those triggers, to help you with self-compassion, I think for me sometimes, when I'm with other people, it's hard when others start talking about things and they go on and on and on about stuff and I don't always know how to change the subject or to get up and go in another room.
Speaker 1:For me I'm like, oh, is there a dog? I'll go play with the dog. Or to say to even people who are close to me to be able to say I can't do this, I just I can't, I don't want to talk about this right now and you going on about something else is making me I just can't, because I have found that most people don't realize it. You know, everyone thinks about their own feelings and they don't mean it intentionally, they just they think, oh, you seem like you're okay, so therefore you must be okay. And just because I always say just because I'm up and dressed doesn't mean I'm okay. Just because I'm up, dressed and at work doesn't mean I'm okay. It just means I'm trying to get through the day right now. I'm trying to get through the day right now and I have found that a lot as I was caregiving for my mom and as I'm going through this grief process that some days I'm like, yep, I'm surviving, but doesn't always mean I'm okay. It just means I'm getting through the day.
Speaker 1:You know, and I try to do self-care things I try Some days I'm better at it than others and I think that's part of self-care too to be able to say you know what, it's okay. I have a hard time. I always think, oh well, the weekends I should be doing this, this, this and this, and some weekends I just don't have the energy to do it and I have a hard time being able to give myself that grace to say it's okay, it'll get done. It's not. You know, it's not the end of the world if I didn't, you know, get this clean today. But it's hard because we want to keep doing and pushing and I have a hard time putting my feelings and my needs first. I have a really hard time with that, or telling people what I need. I'm great at taking care of other people and put in, advocating and fighting for their needs, but I have a really hard time fighting for myself with it.
Speaker 1:So, as we're talking about self-care and self-compassion in caregiving and in grief, think about little different things, like you said, like I said, from taking a break, you know, maybe you start a hobby. Maybe it's a new hobby, maybe it's an old hobby. Maybe you start to do puzzles, you know. Or you do art or woodworking, or maybe you just you know what. I'm just going to find some good books and I'm going to read. Maybe they're short, maybe they're long, that's what I'm going to do. Or watch TV. You find some good movies or TV shows. That's what you want to do.
Speaker 1:I know for me, as it starts to get nice out, I like to be able to be outside, sit out on my patio or just enjoy the nice weather. Sometimes that just taking a few minutes sitting out in the nice weather helps me feeling the sun, those few few minutes helps me regenerate and feel like, okay, it's not so bad, I can do this with it, you know. And so maybe that's what you need. Maybe those are those little things.
Speaker 1:So I think for today, I think what's the most important is to know that self-care is just as important as taking care of your loved one. As you're going through caregiving and as you're grieving, it's important to take care of yourself, because if you get sick, you can't take care of your loved one. That's what's most important. And it's also okay to ask for help and to say maybe you say, hey, can you come over and sit with your loved one for a little while? Maybe you just need to take a nap, maybe that's what you need. Or maybe you just need to go shopping for yourself, maybe that's what's going to make you happy. It's okay to ask, and I think sometimes we stress ourself out and we think I can do it, I can handle it, it's all you know. I can do this.
Speaker 1:But sometimes you need those little hours or minutes to yourself to kind of get yourself re-energized to be able to take care of the rest, because sometimes when you're going through caregiving you don't know how long it's going to be and even grief, grief is ongoing. It's kind of, in a way, never-ending. It just kind of ebbs and flows with it and it's really okay to ask for help and it's okay to try to take care of yourself, even if it's just for a few minutes on one day and maybe for a few hours another day. You'd be surprised how much that helps you, taking those few minutes, that little break, to be able to say I need that, I needed to take care of myself. But I know as caregivers we don't always want to do that. But it's important because you're important too, not just your loved one, for that. So today I thought that's what we talk about here on Patty's Place taking care of ourselves as we care, give as we go through grief. It's hard, but it's also important and there's so many little things and little ways that we can do this. So I hope that these little things have helped as we talk about caregiving and self-care. Hopefully that has helped a little bit for you today.
Speaker 1:Please reach out to me, go ahead and send me some emails or comment on my page. I'd love to hear from you or any topics and things like that that you'd like to hear, as we continue on talking about grief and dementia and caregiving right here on Patty's Place. So please reach out to me. I always look forward. I love to interact with you and hear what you are interested in and what's going on, and if this is helping, I really would appreciate that. So please reach out on my page, send me an email or a comment. I'd love to hear from you as well. So we will continue on and we'll continue on talking about grief and dementia and caregiving right here on Patty's Place. So I hope you enjoyed your cup of coffee, your cup of tea, or maybe you just needed wine for the day here, right here on Patty's Place, and I will talk to you next time right here on Patty's Place.