Patty's Place
A place to talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. A place to find comfort when you are going through a difficult time.
A place to know you are not alone as you go through this difficult time.
Patty's Place
When Your Mom Is Gone: Navigating Life After Losing Home
Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we will talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. This podcast is dedicated to my mom, patty. She passed almost two years ago from dementia and, you know, today I wanted to talk about what it feels like to be a motherless daughter. Today I wanted to talk about what it feels like to be a motherless daughter. So pull up a cup of tea, a cup of coffee, a glass of wine if it's been a rough day, and let's just kind of chat about this, because it is the strangest thing in the world to be a motherless daughter. There's really no grief like losing your mom.
Speaker 1:I saw something that said your mom is home and so losing your mom is like losing your home. Even if you didn't have the best relationship with your mom, it's still something that she's your mom. You know, whether you realize it or not, you always you go to her when you call, when something's upsetting, you call when something's happy. I mean I was lucky. I had a good relationship with my mom. She was my person. I mean, don't get me wrong, we had our normal mother-daughter fights and everything like that, but she was always the one that could comfort me. She was the one. She just knew me. You know, she one. She just knew me. She knew how to talk to me. She knew how to calm me down. She knew what I liked, what I didn't like. She knew when it was hard for me to say something. She knew when I might have said I was okay, but she knew I really wasn't. And there was a security in that. There's security knowing that your mom is there. Your mom knows who you are and what you're doing. And when she's gone you feel so lost. You feel there are no words really to explain with that and you mourn For me.
Speaker 1:With my mom I mourned her before she died because she didn't even know I was her daughter anymore. She just thought I was this really nice girl that came to visit her and she would ask me about my mom and then I would tell her about herself and I would say you know that she was really sick and it was her brain and there wasn't anything they could do for her. And then she would say, oh, that's just terrible. You can just come visit me whenever you want. She would say, but I mourn her when she passed because I mourn for the things that you won't ever get to experience with her.
Speaker 1:You know all those events that you always thought your mom would be at, whether it's a wedding, or you have a baby, or you get that job you always wanted, or you know you go on the trip that you always planned. Any of those things you mourn because you realize she's not there. Or, like I said, something great happens and you want to tell her. You know, or you're nervous about something you know, or, for me, I have a really hard time going shopping because my mom and I used to shop all the time and she would tell she'd be like, yeah, that looks good on you. No, don't wear this. Okay, you know she would joke about how hard she didn't like going shoe shopping with me because I have such a terrible time finding shoes. So she'd be like, oh, this is going to be a while, you know, but it's hard for me to be in the store and shop for clothes because I used to do that with my mom all the time and it's just.
Speaker 1:It's like something's missing. You know, there's just something there that should be. She should be there and she's not. You know, whatever that activity was that you shared with her, she's not there. You know.
Speaker 1:Maybe you know, watching TV sometimes there are certain things that I watch and I think about her and I'm like, oh, we would watch this together. You know, every time I have a cup of tea I think of her, because she taught me how to have tea. You know, she was like you got to let it steep and then you put a little sugar in and put a little bit of cream, because that's how her grandma taught her how to have tea. And I still have a couple of the mugs that she bought and she. She bought two of them because she's like oh look, we each can have one and we would. When I'd come over, we would have tea for it.
Speaker 1:And it's just this ache that doesn't go away. You just feel like there's part of you missing because she's your mom and it's just. I don't even have words to explain that you are. You're a motherless daughter. You know Mother's Day is so hard. Even though my mom never really cared about Mother's Day, she used to tell me that I should be nice to her all year long and she's like and you are, but why is it just one day a year? She just wasn't a big deal to her and she used to say you know so what? I don't have my mom anymore, and now I understand what she meant with that and birthdays and everything else, because there's just something about it. You know, this past year I recently had a birthday and I just so missed her and even though it wasn't the first birthday without her, I just missed her so much this particular year Because my mom always made such a big deal about it and about anybody's birthday, and the fact that she wasn't here anymore just really hurt and it is.
Speaker 1:It's like this club you're a part of, you're a motherless daughter, and there's this bond that you share with other people now that have lost their mom, because there is something about mothers and daughters Whether you get along or you don't get along, there's still something about that. She's your mom and she's always going to be your mom, you know, and there are things that you're always going to go to with her that you don't go to with anybody else, and there are. There are books written about it, and I've read several of them. One of them is called Motherless Daughters. The author is Hope Edelman. I believe she also has a podcast as well, too. It's a really good book.
Speaker 1:It it goes into all those things, especially if you lost your mom when you were young. If you lost your mom when you were young, if you lost your mom when you were older, it doesn't matter, the ache is the same. She's your mom and you just miss her and you don't realize how much you depend on your mom. Until your mom isn't there anymore for you to turn to, to talk to. You know, for her to tell you those stories about the family and things like that.
Speaker 1:And I was always so glad that I listened to her when she would talk about our crazy family, because when she was in the middle of her dementia and she thought she was back, you know, when she was younger, I knew who she was talking about. When she would talk about different people and that made me happy because I could be with her, I could share that with her. You know, and I knew, knowing my mom as well as I did, I knew that she was. It was almost good that she wasn't aware of how sick she was, because she would have hated being the way she was. And I still live with the guilt of that. I couldn't take care of her at home because I wish I could have, but I couldn't, and it's a guilt that I'll probably live with for the rest of my life, because I wish I could have, because I knew that she would have never wanted to be there, but it was where I had to put her at that time.
Speaker 1:And there's just so many things that I wish I could talk to her about. Even if it was, you know, my mom would call me and be like oh, put this tv show on so and so's on, or did you hear about this? Did you hear about that, you know? Or she'd call and be like are you still alive? I haven't talked to you in a few days, you know, and I miss having. I look at my phone and it pops up my mom.
Speaker 1:There's just something about it that you can't call her anymore. It's a feeling that just doesn't go away. You just wish you could call her, you know. You wish you could go over and see her. You know, talk to her, you know, hang out with her. And you can't. And it's like you feel like it's your life before and your life after, because your life is different. There's this part of you that's just gone and it'll never be the same. And it's such a weird feeling because, unless you've gone through it, you don't completely understand. And when you hear people talk about, oh I'm going to go see my mom, or they complain about their mom or things like that and don't get me wrong, I complained about my mom too, growing up. It's just normal. But now I wish I could argue with her, I wish I could talk to her, I wish I could go shopping with her, and this feeling that you have, that she's just gone and it's just different, like that bond gone, and it's just different, like that bond.
Speaker 1:And I feel lost a lot of the time because, like I said, my mom was the person I called. She knew me better than anybody. She knew how to calm me down, she knew how to tell me it was going to be okay, you know, and I would believe her, even if she didn't completely believe it. She would always be like it's going to be okay, it'll be all right, and then she'd call and check on me, make sure I was feeling better the next day and that, and it's a lonely feeling in a way, because you just you just miss her and you just feel so lost.
Speaker 1:There's this ache inside of you that you're like it's my mom and she's not here anymore, and you know it. It sometimes, and it makes me think like why'd she have to get sick in the first place, you know? And and why'd she have to suffer like that? I do feel good in the sense that I know that I was with her and I took care of her and I did the best I could. I knew I did everything I could have done for her, you know. But still makes you think about all those things and it just there's just this ache that I don't think will ever really go away, you know.
Speaker 1:And there are the grief waves that come, that you're, you're just like they're bursts, the grief bursts. They just come and you're like you just miss her with it, whether it's a song or it's it's a day or it's just a time of year or something just makes you think of her, it just makes you sad and or it makes you angry, or it just makes you feel lost. You know you almost have to figure out who you are again, because you don't have a mom anymore. It's like who are you in this world without your mom? You know, especially if you were close to your mom like I was, it just makes you feel so different in the world. I wish I could have the words to explain it, but it does.
Speaker 1:It just makes you feel almost disconnected in a lot of different ways because she's just not there and she connected you to everything. And it's such an odd feeling when she's not there with it and you know, I know, that she is always with me. But there's something to be said for you know, when people are like, oh, she's not suffering anymore, she's in a better place, and I know all that. But then you think, yeah, but she's not here physically anymore, she's not there. I can't hug her, I can't talk to her, I can't laugh with her. You know, I can't, she's just not here.
Speaker 1:And it's just hard to be that daughter that doesn't have her mom anymore. It's such an odd feeling with it, you know, and I never thought about it because it's not something you think about, because you just think that your mom's going to be here forever. You know, you think what She'll be here. It's not, and then she's not, and then you, just you do, you feel lost. The world feels so different when you don't have that security. You don't have that person that's there all the time for you and you, just you sit back and you're like I. I feel so different. I feel disconnected from the world sometimes, you know, even feeling sometimes disconnected from your own family, and that cause you're like she's the one that kept you connected. She, she was the reason, she was the glue, you know, that puts you connected to others with it. And it's hard sometimes to feel that.
Speaker 1:And for me, I love talking about my mom. Obviously, you know, it makes me feel like she's still alive. You know she's still there. I keep her memory alive. So for me I like telling stories about her. For me it brings me comfort to be able to laugh and to think about the things that she did and that.
Speaker 1:But I miss her the most when I'm feeling sad and I am upset about something. I miss her the most then because that's when I want to be able to call her and I want to hear her tell me it's going to be okay and it'll be all right. Don't worry about it, you know. And then I know she'd worry to death about it because my mom was a worrier. Even if there wasn't anything to worry about, my mom would worry. That's just who she was. But she'd always tell me it's going to be okay, it'll be all right. You know, and nobody says those words like your mom. You know, nobody does, at least for me anyway, and there's all.
Speaker 1:It becomes an instant bond when you meet somebody who has lost their mom, because they know exactly how you feel. They know what that feels like. There are things that, as a daughter, you just can only talk to your mom about, and there becomes that bond with other women that don't have moms anymore. I can't explain it, but it's just like this instant connection that they understand exactly how you feel about things, even if it's the simplest things. Or you know how you did your hair or how you did your makeup, or your mom oh my god, my mom would never let me wear that.
Speaker 1:You and it's true, a mom really can never be replaced, it's just, she's just there and there's that connection that she just knew you. And so I try to keep her alive as much as I can with her memory and remember the things that she did teach me and how she treated others, and I try to do that with other people as much as I can. You know, no one's perfect, but that's what I try to think of with my mom how she cared about people and how she she was a caretaker she really was and to try to bring comfort to people, because she hated, she didn't like to see people hurt. She always tried to comfort them as best as she could. I think because she had so much tragedy in her life. She always wanted people to feel comforted in a way that sometimes I think she felt she didn't get. So she wanted to always comfort others in that way and so I try to do that with her, with her memory, with that.
Speaker 1:But it's just, you just always feel like something's missing when your mom is gone. You know, being a motherless daughter is hard, you know, because you do, you just feel lost, you feel like something's just missing in your world with it and there really is no grief like losing your mom. There just isn't, because she was that person that was there all the time. I mean, even if you argue with your mom, she's still your mom. You know, even if you didn't get along with her, she's still your mom. You know you think that you won't care, but you do because she's your mom. You know she brought you into this world and there's that connection that never kind of goes away. You know for it Like you do, you just feel kind of lost with it. So I hope maybe I gave you some comfort or you didn't feel so alone as I try with this.
Speaker 1:I want people to not feel alone in their grief, in their caregiving or dealing with dementia, because it can feel pretty alone, even sometimes in grief it can, and my goal is that people don't feel alone with it.
Speaker 1:So please, you know, reach out to me, tell me what you like, what you don't like about it, what subjects you'd like me to talk about. I'd love to talk some more about it as we continue on with this journey here at Patty's Place, you know, as we try to let people know that grief is normal and that it's okay to miss people and caregiving is hard. It's very hard to miss people and caregiving is hard. It's very hard and just knowing that they're always with you, even when you miss them terribly and you wish that they were always there with you. I always believe that my mom's always with me, even though I miss her, and I wish she was physically here with us. So I hope there was a little bit of comfort today. Hope you enjoyed your cup of tea, your cup of coffee or wine if you needed it, because some days you do right. So hopefully you will join us for another edition of Patty's Place. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.