Finding Peace When Caregiving And Grieving Collide

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Holiday Struggles
• 0:21 Why Holidays Trigger Grief
• 1:51 Comfort Framework: C And O
• 3:30 Make Plan A And Plan B
• 4:39 Honoring Loved Ones With Rituals
• 7:12 Permission And Rest
• 8:19 Triggers Are Part Of Love
• 8:53 Holidays With Dementia In Mind
• 11:09 Boundaries, Expectations, And New Norms
• 13:11 Practical Ease: Checklists And Signs
• 15:15 Closing And Listener Invitation

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome to Patty's Place. It's a place where we have discussed grief, dementia, and caregiving in honor of my mom who passed away almost two years ago from dementia. So hopefully this is a place where you can find some comfort, especially during these holidays. So pull up a cup of tea, a cup of coffee, or if you've had a really bad day, a glass of wine, and let's talk. So I thought today we would talk about how do we get through the holidays. There's so much that goes on during the holidays, whether you are caring for somebody with dementia right now, or you've lost somebody. Holidays can be such such triggerful times of different things that we have to go through. And we're supposed to be happy, right? But we're really not. As a matter of fact, just the other day I was trying, I decided I would put up some decorations for Christmas. I really didn't feel like it, but I thought I would do it. And as I opened up a box, I wasn't paying attention and I realized that that box w hadn't been opened since I had packed up my mom's room in memory care. And it was all of the last decorations that she had seen she saw during her last Christmas. And I lost it. I I just couldn't stop crying because it reminded me of the whole experience. I did put some of those out after I stopped crying because I realized I had found it was comforting, but it was hard because I thought about that last Christmas with her. And so I thought today we would talk about finding comfort during the holidays, which is hard, right? Because we think we need to be happy and and joyful all the time, and it's it's not easy. So we can I got this from actually I got this from hospice. Uh they have a fine comfort during the holidays handout. And so for the letter C, it stands for connect. So we could try to connect to our support system that can help us by providing a safe space to talk about and feel our grief emotions. Maybe we could reach out to people who bring us comfort and allow us to grieve in our own pace in our own way. It can also be helpful to connect with others who are grieving. Because even though it might be difficult, asking is always a healthy step, you know, especially people who will who'll talk about our loved ones. I find comfort when I talk to people who knew my mom and share stories and I can laugh about all the things that she did. And the letter O stands for it's okay to feel joy. And during grief, it can really be hard to allow ourselves to feel joy or happiness, because I like this analogy that grief has a rainbow of emotions, right? It includes joy, and it's okay to be sad or joyous or both during the holidays. Joy allows us to come up for air before we travel back to the depths of our grief. Because it is an ocean with grief with it. And it is hard during this time because, especially for me, this is a trigger time because my mom declined a lot during these last few weeks of the year. And so I keep thinking about all that, and I knew how she suffered at the end. And it it's hard to feel happy and joyful, and yet I think about all the other holidays I had when she was well and how she tried to make it happy for everybody. So as we continue on with our comfort during the holidays, M stands for make plan A and B. And think about this. Especially during this time of year or any time of the year with grief, we usually have to take things day by day, right? Some days are good and we want to do all kinds of stuff. And other days we're like, no, I just can't. I can't do it. So, you know, people always want to get together during this time of year and they want to do all these happy things. And it's okay to develop a plan to decide what you want to do to take care of yourself. It's okay to say, you know what, I'm gonna drive myself because maybe if things get to be too hard, it's okay to leave. Or it's okay to say, you know what, today I I I can't go to this today. It it's okay, even though there's gonna be people that are gonna say to you, oh, well, your loved one would want you to go on, your loved one would want you to do this, and that's all true. But if you're not able to do it, that's okay, because maybe next year or the next day you'll be able to do it, and you can find what ways you can you can choose which ones you want to do. And then the letter F is find a way to honor your loved one. And think about this. Even though they're not here physically, we can find ways to honor them during the holidays, and we can try to find that forever connection. So I was thinking about this, and I saw this my friend put on Instagram, she lost her mom and her sister almost 10 years ago. And uh she has an angel tree. And on this angel tree are all ornaments that either meant something to her mom and her sister, or they remind her of her mom and her sister, or they're little cardinals or things like that. And I just love that idea to have an angel tree. And I thought, I I need to do that for my mom and for any of my other loved ones. It just it doesn't have to be a big tree, it's just a little tree, and it's all different things that honor them, and it's just for them. So if that's something you like, then that's a awesome way to honor them. Or maybe you always keep a a chair empty for them. Or maybe you drink their favorite drink or you make their favorite recipe during the year. Whatever it is that helps you find a way to honor them. Maybe you watch all their favorite movies and drink their favorite drink or make their favorite cookie, but that's what you do to honor them, whatever feels right for you. And don't let people tell you, oh, don't do that, or that's weird, or whatever. If that's where you find peace and that's where you can honor them, then that's what you should do. And the second O in comfort is offer yourself permission, self-permission to feel better or for worse. Holidays come every year. And if this year the grief just is too strong, tell yourself it's okay not to celebrate. Tell yourself it's okay if you can't decorate. You know, everyone's like, oh, you gotta decorate, you gotta do this, you gotta do that. No, you really don't. If you're really not up for it, then don't do it. If you just can't, that's okay. If there are certain things that you're like, no, I just can't do this right now, it's okay. Just try to let go of the pressures from everyone else and have some self-compassion during your grief journey because everyone will tell you, you gotta do this, you gotta do it, you gotta be happy, you gotta get the present, you gotta put the tree up, you gotta No, you really don't. You you can do what feels right for you. And the R for comfort is rest. You know, because during this time of year, all of a sudden we decide, oh, our calendars just have to be filled with parties and events and traditions, and you know, it's really okay to pause and allow your body and mind and your heart to just rest. It can it can really swipe your energy even before you wake up for the day. So it's okay to allow yourself some downtime or breaks from the activity throughout the season. It's okay to rest. It's okay to say, I don't want to do this today. And then the T for comfort is trigger happens. And really, triggers are unfortunately not always avoidable. Like I said, when I opened up the box, I wasn't thinking about it, I just thought it was a box of decorations and I lost it. It was a trigger. It could be a special song, it could be a tradition. It might not be anything as specific at all, and it just triggers your a reaction, and that's okay. Grief triggers are normal and they're part of the grief journey, and they're an expression of the deep love that you had for your loved one for during the holidays. That's what happens. And so you need to remember to give yourself comfort during these holiday seasons. And the other thing I I wanted to talk about too was if you do have a loved one who has dementia, holidays are really hard for them. And so, along with the grief that you share with going through uh the holidays, because you are grieving even when your your loved one is still here with dementia, because they are becoming somebody that you're not who you don't really know at times. You need to think about them too. It isn't about you when it comes to the holidays, it is about them as well. And think about this. They don't know everybody anymore. You want them to, and it's not like they're doing it on purpose. So if you are bringing your loved one who has dementia to a holiday gathering, you really need to think about them. So they don't usually typically are able to handle crowds very long for very long, or l loud music, or just loudness in general. So if people are like, oh no, you gotta bring them, you gotta bring them, and and they want to come and they feel up for it, you need to have a couple things in place. One, maybe have a quiet room for them where they can go and they can watch TV or something and it's quiet for them so they can reset. Or two, have that out where you have it where if you know they see you see they're getting agitated, well then say, okay, we're gonna go and let them go home for it. You you need to think about them. Think about how overwhelming and how overstimulating it is if you're sitting in a room and they don't know what's going on or where they are or who they're with. Even though yes, they're quote unquote with family, but their mind doesn't know that anymore. So you really need to think about that. And also you need to, if you're their primary caregiver, you need to be able to tell people, no, they're not up for this. They can't go to this. Even though people be like, oh, well, mom needs to be there, she needs to. Not if she's not up for it. You need to put yourself in their world. How do they go through this? That's so uh overwhelming for them. So think about them and don't expect them to just celebrate like they always used to. So that's part of coping as well. I mean, think about it. If somebody had cancer, you don't expect them to do all these things. If they have cancer or they have a terminal illness, you don't expect them to be at all the holidays or you make special arrangements for them. But for some reason with people with dementia, we don't do that because they might physically look like they're okay. We don't want to expect or accept that their mind isn't where it should be. And so you need to think about those because that's all part of grieving as well, too. So as much as the holidays can be filled with joy and laughter and celebrations, during this journey, we have to find the energy and ability to celebrate. But it's also difficult. So maybe while others are spending time with their loved ones, we're always reminded of the absences in our heart and our mind. So, and other people create expectations of what we should or shouldn't do. So, and we might create expectations of ourselves to make the holidays the same as last year, but things have changed, and it's hard to be like that things will never be the same again. But we can find new ways to honor our loved ones and make holidays okay. And maybe for a few years they're not okay. Maybe they're just hard and you don't want to think about it. And you know what? If you don't want to face Christmas Day or whatever holiday you celebrate, that's okay too. It's really okay because there's really no right or wrong to get through the holidays after you lose a loved one. So it's also okay to say, you know what, this is challenging for it. And like I said, maybe you want to continue honoring them and you want them to be a part of it. So maybe you ask people, can they share a story about your loved one? And it's hard because everyone grieves differently, especially during the holidays. So some people don't want to talk about it. And that's okay, but that's hard when you're the person that wants to talk about it. So you need to think about all these different things during the holiday. And most importantly, don't let other people decide what you should and shouldn't do. You you have to be able to decide for yourself what feels right for you. And you also, it's okay to accept your limitations. You may not be able to do everything that you used to do, and don't beat yourself up for it. It's okay if you can't. And you can also celebrate different feelings and preferences. And it's also okay to ask, well, who's coming to the event, especially if you have a loved one with dementia, because maybe you know that a person might not understand completely. And it's also okay to find time for rest as you do before it. So as you go through the holidays, think about it like this. It's really only a few weeks. It's not the end of the world if you didn't put your tree up, or you didn't decorate the way you used to, or you didn't bake all the cookies, or you didn't send out the Christmas cards. It's really all okay. You just do what you can get through. And it's okay to say you're having a rough holiday. Not everyone has to be happy all the time. Even though we watch Hallmark and we think everything is happily ever after with it, we know in reality it isn't always. So it's okay to give yourself that permission. And it's also okay to talk to your loved ones and tell them where you're at. And if somebody doesn't understand, well, accept that they don't understand and just know that you might have to adjust with them. That could be their your plan B when you're dealing with certain family members. And just try to do the best you can during all this. Because grief is hard. And it's also hard when you have a loved one who's sick during this time of the year. And it's okay to, like I said, to give your permission, give yourself permission to rest and find some comfort in what you can do. So I hope during this time it gave you a little bit of peace and comfort for it as you do this. And you know, maybe you do a holiday family checklist, you know, and figure out who's gonna be responsible for what on those types of things, especially if you have your loved one there. So try to find what works the best for you for it. So during this time, I like to tell and say, you know, find what works the best for you and let yourself know that it's okay. It's really okay if the holidays are hard. Some holidays are just harder than others. And if you keep thinking back to how it was when your loved one was here, that's okay too. Do what feels the best for you so that you can get through it and give yourself that permission to maybe not do anything. You know, maybe maybe you don't. And maybe you're dreading it, and then maybe you wake up that day and you're like, you know what, it's okay. And keep yourself open to signs for your loved one as well, because they probably will give you signs, whether you think it's the cardinal or whatever sign. Ask them for signs, and because they will be there as well. And remember, I'd like to always believe that they're always here with you, that they never go away, and they're here with you, and they're gonna get you through all of this, even when you feel like you're so lost. But you can do it, you can get through it. Just remember, just take it minute by minute. That's the best that you can do with it all. So, as I said, I hope this helps a little bit. I hope it helps get the ease of the holidays because there's such an overwhelming time for it. So let me know. Reach out to me and let me know if you have ideas of things you'd like me to talk about, or if there's different ideas you have, we can talk about it or different topics for it. Uh my email is L-I-S-M-A-R-93 at Yahoo. I'd love to talk to you and see. Hopefully, this helps a little bit. So I hope you found some comfort today and know that you're not alone. And so I hope you enjoyed your cup of tea, your cup of coffee. Or if it was really a rough day, maybe you, you know, had that glass of wine and you just relaxed with it. And hopefully I'll see you next time on Patty's place.