Patty's Place
A place to talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. A place to find comfort when you are going through a difficult time.
A place to know you are not alone as you go through this difficult time.
Patty's Place
Holding Space For Anniversary Grief
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Some dates don’t just mark time; they pull you back into a room you can still smell and hear. I open up about the hardest stretch of my year—the week from New Year’s Eve to January 6—when hospice set the timeline, the music got louder, and my resolve to keep my mom from being alone turned into a nightly vigil. If you’ve ever felt the sting of an anniversary date, especially after a long season of caregiving through dementia, this conversation offers language, tools, and gentle company.
We explore how grief changes during the holidays, why trigger dates can feel like alarms in the body, and the practical ways to prepare: plan A and plan B, honest boundaries with friends, taking the day off work, and creating rituals that actually comfort. I share the small things that mattered—Barry Manilow on repeat, a chair by the bed, marshmallow Peeps, and the calm that arrived when my mom sensed familiar songs. We talk about building a memory corner, lighting a candle, writing a letter, cooking a favorite dish, or choosing quiet over crowds. There’s room here for all approaches, including pretending the date doesn’t exist if that’s what keeps you steady.
Caregivers and grievers will also hear about the moments near the end that felt like grace: my mom seeing loved ones, the softening in her breath, and the peace that came without an exact time stamp. We challenge the myth that the “first year is the hardest,” and acknowledge how year two can ache just as much. Most of all, we hold space for your way of remembering—whether that’s tea and old photos, a playlist from the 60s and 70s, or a plan to leave early if the room gets loud.
If this resonates, share it with someone who needs a companion for their tough date, subscribe for more candid stories about grief and dementia, and leave a review to help others find the show. Your rituals matter. Your boundaries count. And you don’t have to carry this alone.
Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we'll talk about grief, dementia, and caregiving. This podcast is in honor of my mom, Pat, who passed away from dementia almost two years ago. So grab yourself a cup of tea or coffee, or if it's been a really bad day, maybe a glass of wine, and let's talk. So today I thought we would talk about anniversary dates. Uh for me, this time of year is hard because my mom passed on January 6th. It'll be two years on January 6th. And her anniversary date obviously is fast approaching. And it's hard for me to believe it'll be two years. And I think, how can that be? In some ways, it feels like it was yesterday, and in other ways it feels like it was so much longer. And honestly, this time of year is really hard for me for many reasons, besides the normal holiday season where we're all supposed to be happy and jolly. For me, New Year's Eve is an anniversary date as well, because it was the date the hospice nurse told me my mom only had a week left. And so I couldn't watch anything that had to do with New Year's Eve that night. And I still can't. And I stay, I started staying with my mom every night from that New Year's Eve. And I was there when she passed, and it was just so important to me that she didn't die alone, and she didn't. And the I also think about how the last time my dad and I were all together with her as a family was on Christmas Eve. I think about that too, because we weren't able to be together. My mom couldn't have more than one guest very often because she had a hard time following more than one person. So if there was, if my dad and I were there with her together, if my dad talked to her, then I had to be quiet. And if I talked to her, my dad had to be quiet because she just couldn't follow more than one person. It was harder for her to follow one person. So we had to kind of make that for it. So it's just hard at this time of year because I think about all those different things, knowing that January 6th will be here soon. And, you know, it's sometimes hard to explain to some people about anniversary dates or even they're considered trigger dates. So for me, the week from New Year's Eve to January 6th is an anniversary for me because I think about how I stayed with my mom every night and I think about the morning she passed and what happened. And it's so clear and so vivid in my mind with it. I mean, I wouldn't have traded those things at all. I'm glad I was there. And I think about last New Year's Eve because it was so hard because I had this feeling of how I didn't want 2024 to come to an end because it would then be the first year my mom wouldn't be in it, even though she was only in it for a few days. And honestly, she was asleep for most of it. But it just hurt so much thinking she would never be in the in any more years. She would never be in 2025, and she would never be anywhere else in any other year. And I remember I cried so hard that night, especially at midnight. And I know some people would have said I should have been with friends at that time, but I I I just couldn't. Like I I still can't. I can't watch anything, all everything right now. Oh, you gotta watch this on New Year's, you gotta just I I can't watch it. I just I can't. And I my mom was cremated, so I have her ashes, and uh so I have a room, an extra room in my house, and that's where her ashes are. And and that night on New Year's Eve, I just was in there, I was reading because my mom was a big reader, and I did. I just cried and I just was like, I missed her so much. Like I couldn't believe she would not be in another year. And like I said, some people would have been like, oh, you should be with friends, you should be, and and I just I just couldn't because it's just hard to explain to people what that day is. You know, for some people they just block out that date, and that's okay if that's what you need to do. You know, if you just are like, I I can't talk about that date, and they just go on and they they don't want to do it, and that's okay. And but for me, I needed to be by myself. I needed to be with my mom because that's where I was with her uh for New Year's and that whole week with it. And you know, maybe next year I'll be able to be with other people, but I know this year I'm not up for it. Maybe I will earlier in the day. I don't know, maybe. Uh, but I know as it gets closer, I can't, I just can't watch people sing and dance and all that. I just can't. Like I already have my book picked out. I know that's what I want to do for that. And, you know, like I said, maybe next year I'll be ready to be with other people. Maybe I won't. And I think it's important when we talk about these anniversary dates is to acknowledge the date and how you feel about it. And if you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. And if you want to be alone, that's okay. I think that people are always like, oh no, don't think about it. It's in the past, but it it is, but it isn't because you think about that day. That's a day that changed your life. No matter how you look at it, it just did. Your life will never be the same after that. And as I approach this week, I know that I think about how, you know, I spent those evenings with my mom and she was asleep most of the time. I played music for her because my mom had picked out, you know, all her songs. So I had it on a playlist and I played it, and she loved her Barry Manilow. And so I played her Barry Manilow and she loved her Gary Lewis and the Playboys and Barbara Streisand, and I played those songs for her. And sometimes I just let it play. Like I played a lot from the 60s and the 70s, all the music she liked, and she was, you know, I knew she was sleeping. So I knew she could hear it, and I knew she knew I was there. And I kept thinking, you know, when I visited her and when I was there in memory care, I knew she wasn't herself, but yet I was there with her presence, and her presence gave me comfort because she was my mom, you know, and there were many times when she said to me, I know how hard this is on you. And I knew in that moment she hit she was lucid. Like she knew she was my mom saying that she could see how hard it was. And I miss her, I miss her so much. And this week is different from all the other weeks of the year because I remember being with her at that night and that whole week. Like I said, I remember playing her favorite songs, and I slept in her chair every night that week because I didn't want her to be alone, because I knew my mom would never want anyone to be alone. And it was so important to me that she didn't die alone. I needed her to know how much I loved her, and I knew, and I knew she would have stayed with me. She stayed with her family members, so I knew that's what I needed to do. It's what I wanted to do for her, you know. I just wanted her to have peace because that's all my mom ever really wanted in her life was some peace. And that was all I could give her because with dementia, it's so hard. There's there's nothing you can do, and you feel so helpless. So I think about these anniversary dates and and how do we deal with them, you know? And honestly, it's the same way we deal with any other holiday, birthday, or special occasion, we feel what we need to feel. So I think it's important to have a plan B. Like, if I thought, okay, well, maybe I can be with friends on New Year's Eve, but I need to have a plan B. I need to know that if it gets to be too much, I need to leave. And I need to tell people I might not be able to stay the whole day. The same thing on January 6th. I remember last year I was like, I took the day off of work and I just said, I I I can't be here. I know I can't be here. And honestly, I don't even remember what I did. I think I just was home all day and I think I cried a lot, and and I think I I I might have watched some things that I knew my mom liked to watch, or I listened to some music and I found comfort for it, you know, and and maybe and and my mom's birthday is in January as well, too. So it's like kind of back to back with things. And then so for her birthday, since it was so close, you know, I was like, what would my mom want to do? And and I went with her friend and we went to the tea house because my mom loves she loved tea. And it was something she would have done. We went to a tea room and she and we knew I felt like she was there, you know. So maybe I'll go to the tea room on the sixth and on her birthday, because that's something she would want to do. So think about how can you honor your loved ones? You know, how can you do that? Is it something do something that they liked, watch something that they liked? If it's I can't, I just can't do that, that's okay too. You know, if you are like, nope, it's gonna be a pajama day and I'm just not dealing with the world that day, that's okay too. So you need to give yourself permission for those things. And if you need to be alone, then be alone. It's okay. And and tell people, I'm okay, I just need to be by myself. Because I know most people don't know how to handle it. They they don't know, you know, they they don't understand that you need to acknowledge these days, however, you need to. You know, people are like, oh, we don't want to talk about it, it's unpleasant. But for me, I tell everybody I find comfort in talking about my mom. You know, I find great comfort in it. And so for a lot of people, I think they do. They want to talk about their loved ones. And even on the day that they pass, they want to talk about it because it's a day that you just remember with it. You know, maybe you want to spend the day looking at old pictures and listening to their favorite song. Sometimes you find comfort. Sometimes by looking at those old pictures, you start to laugh and you think about those funny times that you took the pictures or things that they liked or things that they didn't like, or maybe what happened during that day. And that brings you comfort. Like I said, maybe listening to their favorite songs. If that's what you need to do, then do it. And if you need to be with others, then make those plans. But then also give yourself grace if you wake up that morning of that day and you realize you can't do it. So I think the other thing that's important is you have to choose who you talk to about these things and who you make those plans with. It has to be people that understand and respect what you're feeling because not, like I said, not everybody does for it. You know, maybe you want to do something that that I guess you could call it a legacy or something immemorial for it. You know, maybe you create create a memorabilia table in a corner where you place a lot of photos or stuff animals or toys or cards or foods or things like that that they like. Maybe that's what you do that day. You make all their favorite foods for it. You have to do whatever makes you feel comfort. And if you don't know, I'm sure you will on that day of what you can do, you know, and and depending on how things happen, it might be a day. For me, it's a week. Honestly, it's this kind of whole holiday thing because my mom, she, you know, she she she got worse as the holidays progressed. And so it wasn't quite the same, you know, and I knew it uh with it. And I was I think about those things and I think about I was so glad I was with her. Like, so for me on New Year's Eve, I remember my mom my mom loved those marshmallow peeps, and so I bought her those all the time, and that was actually the last thing she ate. So I do have peeps, so I might eat some peeps on New Year's Eve because she just loved them, it made her happy, and uh and sweet is one of the last taste buds that leave you sweet and salty, so that's why a lot of times dementia patients like to eat a lot of sweets with it, you know. So I think when you're thinking about those anniversary dates, I just think it's important that you acknowledge them and that you tell yourself, I I I can get through it and you figure out how you want to get through it for it. And I like I said, I think it's important that you deal with who you tell that to because like I said, not everybody, not everybody understands. Some people are gonna tell you what you should do. Well, maybe it isn't what you want to do for it. Honestly, I'm not really sure what I'm doing yet uh for her anniversary date. But uh this year I'm gonna maybe try to do something that's self-care, something that she would like me to do uh for it. And I'll probably do some things too that honor her as well. You know, there's different things you could do if that's what you want to do. You can honor them. You know, maybe you talk with people and you have them tell you stories about her, about your loved one. Maybe that's what you want to do. Maybe you leave an empty chair for them and you know, you you talk to them. It's really okay if you decide every morning that you want to have a cup of coffee or a cup of tea with them every day and talk to them. I talk to my mom all the time. You know, like I said, maybe you have things out that they would like, even if you don't tell anybody. I have stuff around my house that was my mom's, my grandparents, and it brings me comfort, you know. And if people ask me what where it's from or that, I tell them. My mom loves frogs, so I have I have her frogs all over. She also likes collecting the little fairies. So I have those too with it. Like I said, maybe you make one of your their favorite meals for it, you know, with it. Maybe you light a memorial candle, maybe that's what you want to do for it. Or maybe, you know, for my mom's birthday, maybe I buy her a gift that I know she would have liked. Maybe I give it to charity for it. So think about those things. Maybe you write a card or a letter to them on the anniversary day and you just tell them what you want to tell them. It it's really up to you what you want to do. And again, it if you can't get out of your pajamas and you cry all day, that's okay too. You have to learn how to give yourself some grace and to be able to say, This is the day, and it's a hard day for me. And honestly, the people who truly, truly do care about you, and even if they don't completely understand, they will be able to give you that grace and say, I understand. And maybe they'll just send you a little text and say, Hey, just thinking about you today. Because quite honestly, most people don't remember those dates. Uh because it it fades, you know, people remember the dates that were important to them for it. But it's important that you tell people that if it's a hard day, and to be able to say, I just can't do that today. You know, and like I said, some people are gonna understand, but some people won't, and that that's really okay. So it's important that you choose who you uh who you share these days with because like I said, not everyone will understand what these days mean to you. Uh and it's really okay to say, I can't do anything today. Uh it's also okay to pretend that the day doesn't exist if that's what you need to do to get through the day. I know I have some friends that that's what they do. They just that day doesn't exist anymore. And that's okay because I know deep down inside they know what day it is and they that's how they have to get through it. So I just think it's important that we talk about anniversary dates and trigger dates because they're there and we need to know that they're there and acknowledge it because every year they might be a little different for you. You know, everyone says, oh, it's that first year. Once you get through that first year, it's not exactly true. You know, the second year can be just as difficult as the first year. You know, some days might be easier than others, but they're all there because that person was so important in your life and you love them. So as I think about this week, you know, I I do, I think about my mom and I think about all the evenings I spent with her. You know, like I said, I played those songs for her and and I just I just was there with her. And I, even though, like I said, she was asleep for most of it. New Year's Eve was the last day that she actually was sitting up. Once they kind of helped her into bed on New Year's Eve, she never got out of the bed that whole week. She I think she woke up a few times, but for the most part she was sleeping. But her and I had some laughs though, too, you know, when she did sit up, you know, because my mom started to see for a while, she started to see. I like to think that they were her loved ones, and she really did see them. And I did that, didn't scare me. It didn't scare my mom. She found comfort in that. And I remember the one time she sat up and uh she was looking and she was like, Don't you see all of them? And I was like, Well, how many are there? And she's like, 30 or 40, and I was like, Are they the we folk? You know, like she she thought they were all there, and she kept taking her hand, and it was like she was petting. And I believe that our dogs were there. I I really do, because it was the way she was doing that, and she was talking about it and stuff. So that brought her comfort, and it brought me comfort because I really believed that they were there with her. So I think about it all the time that week, and I know with that, you know. Some people ask me on that day, you know, I was there, but I can't tell you the exact moment it happened. And I think my mom did that on purpose. Uh, some people say that, you know, your loved one doesn't want you to be right there. And I've heard stories about that where, you know, you're their family members aren't quite there when it happens. And then I've heard others where they're they're there. I was there, but I don't know exactly when it happened because my mom's breathing started to change as it does. And uh I remember I woke up like it was like four in the morning and she was still breathing, but I could tell it was labored. And I and I closed my eyes again just for a little bit. And I remember I woke up and it was like a little, probably a little after six or something like that, and I didn't hear anything. And I remember going over there and I was like, I don't think she's breathing anymore, you know. But because my mom was in memory care, I had to wait till the nurse came and all of that. So, you know, by the time the nurse came and everything, you know, she had she had passed. And at the time the nurse was telling me then my dad called because my dad wasn't there. He he came during the day. I don't think my dad was able, I don't think he could have been there. I just he just just how he handled it. And so people asked me what what exact time, and I was like, I don't know, you know, but I think my mom, I don't think my mom wanted me to hear like her last breath or things like that. You know, she knew I was there. Um, and I I think that's what she she did. So I think about those moments in that morning, and I I know she was at peace, and and it's still a blur, but yet I can still remember like the entire day. Like I even remember what I was wearing and everything, and I remember exactly what the nurse said. And I remember my dad called, so then I told him, and and then I had to I called other people and things like that because I didn't know what else to do. Because I had to just sit and wait. I was there by myself with my mom, and I knew she was at peace at that point, and yet it didn't feel real, and yet it was. I, you know, it wasn't until I got home that I really broke down with it. Um, with that, but I think back on it and I find peace in that week because I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else but with my mom. That's what she taught me. She taught me to find comfort, she was a caregiver, she would have been there, she was there with her mom and a lot of other people she was there for. And so I think that that's what I have to remember that even though it's a day that changed my entire life, well, even though dementia changed my entire life with my mom, it's it's her day. And I just know that my mom would tell me it's okay if I cry, it's okay if I miss her, it's okay to talk to her, and it's okay to acknowledge it. And it's okay for me to tell people that's a hard day for me. It it just is, like this whole week. And so, like when people ask me, What are you doing for New Year's Eve? I'm like, uh I'm well to I I'll be watching Stranger Things this time, this night. But uh, I just can't. It hurts too much for me because it starts that entire week. And so with anniversary dates, I just think that we need to remember it's okay to say if those days hurt. It it really is. It it's really okay to do that. So, you know, give yourself some grace during these difficult times, whether it's the holidays, it's a birthday, it's Mother's Day, it's the anniversary dates. Give yourself grace, give yourself time and say it's not easy, but acknowledge the date. And how are you feeling is the first step? Because maybe not every year will feel that way. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll find a tradition that you want to do. Maybe you go to the cemetery. You know, whatever it is, find what makes you find a little bit of peace. And again, if you need to stay in your pajamas all day, that's okay too. You know, whatever find you find some peace with it. Because remember, it's only a day and you can get through it. You can definitely get through it. So I hope that this helped. I hope you found a little bit of comfort. I know I found some comfort in talking about it today. So uh again, if you have ideas or things that you would like me to talk about, please feel free to reach out to me on all my pages. Uh or you can email me as well. I can get my direct emails on my uh podcast page as well. So I hope that this found some comfort. I hope you don't feel like you're quite alone. And so hopefully you enjoyed your cup of tea, your cup of coffee, or your glass of wine. And I hope you can join us next time right here on Patty's Place.