Patty's Place
A place to talk about grief, dementia and caregiving. A place to find comfort when you are going through a difficult time.
A place to know you are not alone as you go through this difficult time.
Patty's Place
Navigating Dementia Together: Interview with Janice Goldmintz
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The first signs often feel small—too much food in the fridge, unopened bills, a story on repeat—and then the worry sets in. We invited gerontologist Janice Goldman to help us turn that worry into a plan you can actually use, from decoding what “dementia” really means to knowing when to call the doctor, how to prepare legal documents, and what to do when the family can’t agree on next steps.
We start with clarity: dementia is the umbrella, Alzheimer’s is one type. Not every red flag points to Alzheimer’s, and we break down reversible causes like hearing loss, B12 deficiency, and medication issues. Janice shares a practical home checklist for spotting meaningful changes and explains how to work with physicians—using past baselines and integrated screenings—when a loved one refuses formal memory tests or denies there’s a problem. We dig into power of attorney essentials, including the difference between financial and medical POA and why “joint and several” structures can prevent dangerous delays during crises.
Care isn’t one-size-fits-all, so we map decisions across four pillars: finances, available supports, medical thresholds, and social life. You’ll hear realistic options for aging in place, day programs, and residential care, plus how to evaluate trade-offs without losing sight of dignity and safety. Family dynamics matter just as much as budgets; we offer ways to split responsibilities by strength, protect against caregiver burnout, and bring in neutral third-party help when old roles and resentments block progress.
Most of all, we get practical about communication. Learn gentle language shifts that lower conflict—meeting your loved one where they are, using positive prompts, redirecting stress, and stepping away before frustration boils over. These everyday moves can turn battles into moments of connection and help you create more calm, meaningful time together.
Visit talkaboutaging.com for free resources and contact options. Follow on Instagram at Aging Parent Journey for short videos and tips.
If this conversation helps, share it with someone in the thick of caregiving. Subscribe for future episodes, leave a review to support the show, and tell us: what’s your biggest caregiving challenge right now?
Welcome to Patty's Place, a place where we will talk about grief, dementia, and caregiving. I did this podcast in honor of my mom, Patty Pat, who died from uh dementia about two years ago. So I want this to be a place where you can come and know you're not alone. So today, go ahead and grab your cup of tea, your cup of coffee, or your glass of wine and join us today. Today we have a special guest. Her name is Janice Goldman's. She is the she has a master's degree in gerontology, and she's been working with the aging population for quite a long time. She also has the website talkaboutaging.com, and I'll make sure I put that link so you can go check that out as well. So welcome, Janice. Thank you so much. Glad to be here. So you said that both of your parents had Alzheimer's disease.
SPEAKER_00:They did at different times. Um my father watched my mother go through it, and I would say that COVID inactivity kind of sparked it in my dad a little bit more than it might have. So yeah, my mother had already passed away when he started all of the that journey.
SPEAKER_01:And can just to refresh people, can you tell us what's the difference between Alzheimer's and dementia?
SPEAKER_00:So it's very easy to uh use a comparison between fruit and dementia. So fruit and dementia are both the categories, and Alzheimer's disease is like an orange. So it's one type of dementia.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:So there are there are more than one type of dementia, and I know people use them um interchangeably, but it is uh there is a distinction.
SPEAKER_01:There really is. I know, uh, because you could have there's the umbrella of dementia, and they could have vascular dementia, uh the frontal body. Yeah, Louis body and stuff like that. I know people use them interchangeably. So um I thought we would start with with uh you know, when you have a family member that you notice these different signs in them, you notice something's just not quite right with them. Right. How do you get your family or your siblings on board to help your parents or your loved one?
SPEAKER_00:I think in all honesty, these things have to start before your parents have any issues if you can do that, just to make talking about things that could happen part of normal conversation. So when your parents are fine and you know going along um wonderfully, to sit down every so often and say, hey, what would you want if something happened? Do you have a power of attorney? Do you have a will? Where would I find your banking information if you know something happened? And just have these small little conversations along the way. Now, most people don't do that. No, they don't. So what happens is an event will happen, either small events that um stack up or a crisis. Uh, and if you start to see small events, I actually for the holidays had um a checklist for people to look for certain things. Look to see if your parents um had food in their fridge. Is it too much? Is it too little? Um look to see if, in terms of caring for themselves, if they're still at the same level that that they had been in the past. Look for things like unopened bills. Do they have bills? Do they have overdue notices? That means that they're not uh necessarily taking care of their financial uh things that need to be done. When you're speaking to them, are they coherent in the in the conversation? And the thing to be aware is that even if you see some red flags, there are other things that can be happening that are not uh Alzheimer's. It could be hearing loss, and somebody is trying to pretend that they hear. So they're answering you with words that may not make sense to your question, and it's really because they can't hear you, or B12 deficiency. So there's all these things that people get very, very um nervous about that can sometimes be very easily managed. So even when you see red flags, go and have things checked out. Um, in terms of you seeing something and talking to your family, I think you just have to be honest and say, hey, I've noticed, you know, this happening. Is there anything going on? Do you see anything? Talk to your siblings. A lot of times parents will push back. And one of the things that I suggest is if you are uh in relationship with their physician is to bring your concerns to the physician. And that way it can be either um dealt with because there is something going on, or it can be dealt with and be done and move forward with um, you know, healthy um a healthy diagnosis. So I think having the the courage, and it really does sometimes take courage to say to your family members, hey, I think we want to have a little discussion about this. It's really important to me.
SPEAKER_01:I I agree uh with all that. So what if you have like with my mom? Uh I her and I went to the same doctor, so I was able to talk to the doctor, but with uh my mom just she didn't know she had dementia. I don't want to say she was in denial, she just really didn't know. So she she just didn't want to talk about it. Like I tried to get the our doctor to just do the the general memory test, like the 10 questions, and she absolutely refused to answer the questions.
SPEAKER_00:So it's a challenge. Yeah, it definitely is. Um, I know when my mom really shouldn't have been driving, I thought to myself, how am I going to address this? Because if I say I think you should be, you know, give up driving, she's going to say, No, no, no, I'm good, I'm good. And I literally I went to her doctor and I said, This is your responsibility. Like you have to do this. And the same with your doctor. Your doctor does have a responsibility to follow up on these things. And you know what? If you try it the first time and they don't do it, it's okay. Doesn't mean that you stop trying. You try other little things. There's other ways that a doctor can um, you know, through conversation and um for you reporting different things that you're seeing, just start taking some notes and saying, all right, these are things I need to be following up on and asking more questions. I mean, imagine if it was you and somebody said, here, do these memory tests, and you think, well, I don't need to do these memory tests, I'm all good. Right. Sometimes that can be confronting. And so it's finessing it in some ways, finding ways around it to get your answers. And you may not get it on first go. You may have to be patient and do it slowly. Do two questions, but they don't, but the person doesn't know that you're doing that. You know what I mean? Exactly.
SPEAKER_01:Uh yeah, and I when you said finesse, like I had to learn that too. Like at first, I would be like, What do you mean you don't remember this or whatever? And and now looking back, I'm like, okay, I I had to learn to not say those types of things to still get the answer. And also with my dad, you know, they were he had such a hard time and he lived with her every day, and he was in denial. He did not want to admit, like even family members would say to him or that, and that was difficult too because I knew there was something wrong, but he refused to see it, you know.
SPEAKER_00:Uh again, think about it. You know, you've been married to somebody for decades, yeah, and it's a hard thing to have that right in your face where you know, you know, you know, but you don't want to know that you know. Exactly. And to admit, wow, this is this is a big change. This is something happening that I don't know how to deal with because we're not trained, we're not given any kind of um knowledge on if something should happen, what you do. We just have to again wing it until we have you know some support in place. So I had the same thing with my dad. He didn't really want to face the fact that my mom had had challenges and made excuses for her until I think he realized that that wasn't cutting it with me because I knew better. I had both of my parents tested when they were not, you know, exhibiting no circum no um symptoms. And I told their doctor, put these in their file, because you never know, one day you might need it. And a couple of years down the road, I said, Remember those tests that you did? Well, bring them out and we're gonna redo them because I think there's an issue. So it's again, it's it's challenging to have that in your face. And for us as uh children of aging parents, we want to be the children all the time. And then all of a sudden you're thrust into, well, now the rules may reverse. I have to be the one that makes the decisions, that does the caregiving, and be okay with that. And my parent has to allow it because you can't just say, Okay, here I come. I'm gonna do everything now. It generally isn't gonna work well.
SPEAKER_01:No, it wasn't. It didn't in my particular case. My mom would get mad. She'd be like, What are you telling me what to do? And I know uh with my dad, he's a little bit better, but he still struggles with certain things like you know that he can't do anymore with it. So it it it is really hard because in and looking back and seeing it from their point of view, that would be hard. You're giving up your independence and you don't want to do that. Uh with it. Um I know you mentioned earlier about having those conversations about power of attorney and that and luckily my parents had done that. Uh so I knew, but can you explain to somebody like what the power of attorney is and what it does?
SPEAKER_00:Sure. So they are legal documents that if the person is incapacitated because of um cognitive issues and they can't make um decisions for themselves, there the the person who is the power of attorney then has the ability to intervene in terms of financial issues for the financial power of attorney and for medical issues for the medical power of attorney. And it allows you to make decisions. Um, you know, if somebody needed surgery and they weren't able to say yes or no because they didn't have the cognitive ability, then that would be something you could do. If you find that that person cannot live independently anymore and you have to find other options that would allow you to either bring somebody into the home or get help through the government or privately, or look for alternative um living situations. So it's a legal document that gives you that ability. Um, what my suggestion is is when there is siblings, uh I learned kind of the hard way that uh you can do it two different ways. You can have more than one power of attorney. The problem with that is that everybody then has to be contacted on any decision and everybody has to agree. There's another way of doing it that's called joint and severally. And if it's severally, it means if they get one person and one person says, That's, you know, I need a decision now because it's it's urgent and critical, then that person has the ability to make a decision. So it's important uh when you're doing the power of attorney to have a look at how you want to set it up.
SPEAKER_01:Definitely. Um the way my parents set it up was that uh for the financial and health care, they were each other's, but I was the second one right underneath. Right. So it'll it allowed because as a matter of fact, we had to use the power of attorney in order to take my mom into the emergency room and get her diagnosed because that's how I finally got my dad, like because she didn't know who we were anymore. So I was like, we ha we have to do that. So luckily, because I was on both of them, I was able to work with the doctors and and that type of a thing because my dad really didn't want to he had a hard time with that. So because they saw I was on there, they were able to talk to me about it. And I always included them. So yeah, it is something I mean, I even think about this for myself, like you know, I really probably should do that. What if you get in an accident or something, you know, and you need somebody to make those decisions, you know. But again, you don't want to think about it, but you should. So also a lot of times that leads into how do you decide what's the best living arrangement for your parent or your loved one?
SPEAKER_00:So it's very individual. And I guess there's sort of four areas that I say people need to look at. Number one is financial. You know, residential care in a lot of places is quite costly. Yes, it is. You don't have insurance or some other way that helps you uh defray the costs, it can be prohibitive. It just can't. Um, I know in Canada we have government long-term care, and it's an option. Um, some of them are good, some of them are not so good. I bought long-term care insurance, but I will tell you by the time I need it, it's not going to cover anything. Yeah, it's not a lot of money. Yeah, and the costs are going up. So, you know, money is definitely important. Um, another thing is where are the supports for that person? Do your children live in the same area that you live in? Um, because a lot of times people don't live in the same city as their parent or very close to their parent. So they don't have the ability to keep their eyes uh closely on their parent. And that's a decision maker because then you need either to hire somebody to come in and be those eyes, or you look at a facility of some kind or a residence of some kind if that's necessary. Um you have to look at the medical situation. A lot of residences, private residences, have a certain threshold of what they will take in uh in terms of health challenges. And if it becomes um more than they can handle, then you have to find somewhere else. And that's a lot of change for somebody, especially if they have Alzheimer's disease, getting used to a new environment and then saying, nope, okay, now they've got other health issues and we can't deal with them. You got to find somewhere else. It can be a challenge. And um, you also have to look at, you know, what is in the best social interest. There are people who their friends are still in their neighborhood and they have lots of social interaction. But for others, aging in place becomes very isolating. And all you have is that person and maybe their caregiver, and they're not getting a lot of social interaction. And so if that's the case, then you may want to look at um either you know a different kind of facility or day programs or things like that where they're going to get a degree of social interaction. And that's for somebody with cognitive issues, anything. It's it doesn't change somebody with cognitive issues still needs to have interaction with with other people. Um, because that that's what keeps us going, you know, it is what keeps us going. So those are the four areas that I think you have to look at. And literally, I tell people just get a big sheet of paper and write down the pros and cons for each of them. And you as a family have to make that decision. Uh, in my role as a gerontologist, I'm happy to sit with families and go through that with them. But really, it's not something for me to say your parents should go live here or there. It's a family decision and looking at all of the criteria to say, here's what I think might be in the best interest. And it's going to be some compromises. Oh, we can't afford everything, but we can afford this. Uh, I'm not living in the same city, but my sister is. Um, oh, we can hire somebody to come in and take mom out for four hours a day or whatever. There's all of these different options that can be explored. It's not all or nothing. Um, and you have to figure that out for your own family.
SPEAKER_01:And with that, I mean, I'm I'm an only child, so I only had to have the difficult conversations with my dad. Um, and some people were like, oh, you're an only child, so everything falls on you, that can be good. But I've noticed with my friends who have been going through this with their parents, and that it always seems to end up on one child, no matter what. So how do how do you how do you get your family or your siblings on board or like how do you have those difficult conversations? Because it seems like illness brings out the worst in people, like you know, like people get angry and then there's these fights, and how do you try to do this with the best interests of your loved one, but then also dealing with everybody else's feelings too?
SPEAKER_00:For sure. So the other thing, I especially someone in your case where you are the only child, there are other people that can help you. If your parents have their own siblings and they're in good health, or if you have cousins that you have that could help you, or friends, or um faith community members, or friends of your parents, there's there's other people in a wider circle that may not take on to the same degree as you, but can help you with caring for your parents. And again, it's getting as many people as you can to help in any way that that would work, and figuring out, okay, I I can take mom to the doctor, but I need somebody else to go and do shopping, or I need somebody to, I can do the financials, but I need somebody else to take mom to the doctor because I just I work and I can't do it. So it's a matter of finding resources within your larger circle that might be able to help you. Uh, and and sometimes you have to, you have to employ somebody. I mean, that's just it's just the reality. The other thing that you have to be aware of, especially when you are the only child, is you have to be very careful of burnout because when you're doing everything and you're running around like a chicken without a head on, your health can deteriorate. And then you're no good for your parent, right? So, again, it's finding ways if you need to go. Away, or you know, you need some respite to find how I can do that. And there's a lot of places that offer respite care, and it may not be your top choice, but in order to have the best quality of life for everyone, and I really stress this it's not just the best quality of life for your parent, it's for everybody. And again, there's going to be trade-offs, there's going to be days where you're going to think, oh, you know what? I just can't do this. I need somebody else to come in here. And then you feel guilty. Yes. But you have to be able to, like I always use the analogy of on a plane, if you don't put that oxygen on yourself, you can't help somebody else. So you've got to put your oxygen on. You've got to re-replenish yourself, figure out how you're going to take care of you while you're taking care of your parent. And especially there's so many um children of aging parents that they're working full-time. They have their own families, their kids are in school or university or whatever. And they and they've got all of these balls up in the air. They've got their own social life and all of those things that they want to still be able to participate in. And you want to be able to try and find balance. And it's not always easy. For sure, it's not.
SPEAKER_01:No, it's not. And like I said, in my particular case, being an only child, I had that. But I like I said, I noticed with my friends and that it seems like even if when they have siblings, it seems to revert back to how they were growing up, like who was the one that always took care of things and who didn't, and all that. And so sometimes they would say to me, You're lucky that you're an only child, you don't have to deal with it. But it's difficult because it's not only you're dealing with your loved one, but then you're dealing with all your family, and everybody has an opinion. And you get burnt out just with that sometimes, too. Like you don't even know which way you're going with stuff.
SPEAKER_00:So that's why having an sort of an objective third party sometimes is a good idea. Yes. That's where a lot of what I do is to get in the middle of that when someone says, Well, I don't want to do that. And I'm like, All right, that's okay that you don't want to do that. But your sibling here is burning out. Cannot do it. So what's so tell me what is the solution here? You as a family, then need to come up with a different plan because your sister needs a break. And I get that you don't, you know, you're not all that comfortable doing the hands-on care. That's okay. Let's figure something out so that everybody is on the same page. That, you know, I have the family right goals together so that everybody realizes what is important. And it's, you know, the safety of the parent and the well-being and the financial stability and all of these different things. And everybody agrees on that. So everything that you do as a family has to go to making those goals happen. And when somebody says, Well, I don't want to do that, then I bring them back to the goals and say, okay, I get you don't want to do that. Here's our goals. How are we going to achieve them given the situation? And you know, sometimes people will still fight back, but you can't, you can't, people are who they are and they're going to do what they're going to do. And that's why I said if you can have people go to their strengths, if somebody really is comfortable with the financial end and maybe the legal end, great, do that. But if you're the hands-on care person and you're burning out, you may have to say to your sibling, okay, I know you're not comfortable with this part, but I need a break. I need a break.
SPEAKER_01:And that is hard to do, to say that. It is hard.
SPEAKER_00:It is definitely hard. It is. But you know, my big word is advocate. And you have to advocate for your parent and you have to advocate for yourself. And there are families, you know, where there's other situations where the relationship between the child and the parent is not optimal. I'll just say it that. Yeah, it's not wonderful. And people say, I don't want to take care of my parent. I don't have a good relationship. They didn't do what I expected them to do as a parent, and I am not going to take care of them. And again, perfectly valid. I'm I, you know, I can't, I can't fight with that. But then what's then what is the solution? Then we need to come up with a different solution. If it's not you, who else can it be? Who else can we bring in that would be willing? And it's sometimes you have to think really outside the box to find those people. And hopefully that you have the financial wherewithal or the um access to some government assistance that will help you do these things. And again, it may not always look exactly like your picture, but it's an overall goal for highest quality of life for everybody.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean, people just don't think about all the all the aspects of what goes into play when you're trying to deal with it. So what would you say for given just to remind people, what are the best ways or a good rule of thumb to talk to people who have dementia or Alzheimer's?
SPEAKER_00:So, you know, it was something that you had said earlier that is so common. Well, I just told you that. Don't you remember? And what happens with that, it's and it's a it's a knee-jerk reaction. And we all say it, we all do it, and then we feel bad because we said it. But if you can keep in your mind that they're not doing it on purpose, that you have to go where they are. If they tell you the sky is purple, you have to say, Wow, what color purple is it? What does it look like to you? You have to find a way to put yourself where they are. And sometimes it's it's not so easy, but it's it works really well when you go where they are. Um, you know, it's a it's using positive language. So you're not saying no, don't, can't. It's more things like, yes, we can, let's try it, let's let's do something else. It's diverting. Um, you know, if they if you want to get them to go out because they've been sitting and they're like, no, well, or they're talking about something that um is causing them stress, it's changing the conversation. Or if you find yourself getting very frustrated, and it happens, believe me, it happened to me many times with my parents, and I would say, you know what, I'm looking at my watch, I have an appointment, I've got to go. And you do it, and you and you take yourself out of the situation before you get overwrought. Sometimes you just have to to you know distance yourself. Um you have to let people have time to finish their thought. Sometimes we want them to finish, you know, we want to finish their sentences and let them know you're there to help them. You know what? I understand. Yep, it's fine. It's whatever, whatever works for you and diverting so that it can show that um you know you're aware. Um, it's somebody says, okay, you know what? I want to wear it's 30 degrees outside, and they want to go outside with no coat on. Yeah, they don't know. Yeah, they don't know. Yeah, I you know, I I understand that you'd like to do that, but for now, let's try that, you know, let's do this because um I'm gonna take you to the drawer and I'm gonna just let you see what it feels like outside, just so that you understand. Because sometimes you have to literally be more, you know, patient, like a child. How would you say it to a child? You would say, Okay, today you need to wear your coat. It's cold outside. Let me show you. And sometimes it's like, oh, okay, yeah, I get it. We also have to be respectful of people's own choices. We may want them to go and do an activity, they don't feel like it. And sometimes you gotta say, okay, that's all right. We'll just we won't do that right now. We'll just let you do what you want to do. And that's a balance, it's a hard balance.
SPEAKER_01:But that was with my mom too, because you know she had to go into memory care. And if people asked her, Oh, Pat, do you want to go play bingo? She would say no. But if they said, Oh, Pat, will you help us set this up? She'd be right there. You know, it was all and I I will say that when I learned how to be in her world and to do that, I found that one, it was a lot easier, but I also now can look back and see, I'm glad that I was able to because I had so many more moments with her. And I was like the person that she turned to when she got upset and I was able to calm her down. Uh, so I am grateful that I learned that. So uh Janice, thank you so much for joining us. So your uh people can also go to your website, it's talkaboutaging.com. Is that correct? Right. And there's there's free resources, and people can get in touch with you on that website as well, too, correct? Right.
SPEAKER_00:And also my Instagram is Aging Parent Journey, and I've got a series of videos there that talk about uh how I help people and how to how to address some of these conversations. And what do you do if your parent does have Alzheimer's? How do you communicate with them? It's just short little videos. Uh, and I'm also very happy to have conversations with people. I have um a way to you can contact me and I and I can get back to you. We can have a one-on-one conversation to talk about things that might be top of mind that I can maybe give you some tips. And then I work with people as well. I work with families. So lots of resources. I'm I'm very happy to help. And I and you know, I think one of the the best sort of resources that I have is I've been through this, I know what it's like, and I didn't do it perfectly. And if I can help you not make some of the mistakes I made or help you through your mistakes, we're real people. You know, none of us is perfect. We make, you know, we we we try to do our best and we don't always, and that's perfectly fine and normal. And I want to give you that latitude to know it's okay.
SPEAKER_01:And I will put all this information on um on my page as well with it. So thank you so much for joining us today. And so hopefully this helped. Hopefully, you enjoyed your cup of tea or your cup of coffee or your glass of wine if it was a really bad day. Know that you're not alone here, and uh, please join us again for another edition of Patty's Place.