Episode 41: Celebrating What’s Right: Creating a Home Where People Can Breathe

🎙️ Episode 41: Celebrating What’s Right: Creating a Home Where People Can Breathe
 

What if the tone of your home could change without fixing everything first?
 
Encouragement doesn’t happen by accident.
 
Most homes don’t drift toward encouragement. They drift toward efficiency, silence, or criticism, not because people don’t care, but because life is heavy and everyone is tired.
 
In this episode, Tony and Kristy talk about how the tone of a home is shaped over time and how choosing to notice and name what’s right can create spaces where people feel safe, seen, and strong again.
 
This conversation is for anyone who wants their home to feel like a place of rest rather than pressure, where effort is noticed, grace is extended, and people can breathe even on imperfect days.
 
🔶 What You’ll Hear in This Episode:

•  Why encouragement must be built on purpose  
•  How calling out effort builds confidence and safety  
•  The difference between flattery and true encouragement  
•  Why encouragement strengthens unity in marriage  
•  How homes shaped by encouragement become places of restoration  

 
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Transcript

Kristy 0:06

Welcome to Unshaken, the podcast where unwavering faith is real life. I'm Christy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the unique challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith in family and the journeys that keep us grounded in Christ. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's stand firm together. Hi friends, welcome back to Unshaken. This week we want to talk about celebrating what's right, uh, what it might look like to build a home that's filled with encouragement. I think it's important to talk about it because encouragement doesn't happen by accident. Everybody's home has a tone, right? It develops a tone over time that really shapes the way the people who live there think and act and feel. And when we choose, I think to notice and celebrate what's right when we name it, when we call it out, we create spaces where people feel seen and safe and strong.

Tony 1:19

If your home feels heavy right now, then let's start small. One word of encouragement can change the whole shift in the room.

Kristy 1:32

Literally everything.

Tony 1:34

When we think about our homes, we don't naturally drift towards encouragement. Usually homes will drift towards criticism or silence or efficiency. And that's a big one. Encouragement that you have to build on purpose. Um, because it doesn't come naturally to most people. Building a culture of encouragement is built on ordinary moments, it's built on the things that that we see day in and day out that we're able to call out in a way that just promotes this encouragement environment.

Kristy 2:19

Yeah. I think it takes intentionality, right? Just and consistency, consistently, like over time pushing in that direction. Um, and just remembering to be to be mindful and keep pushing in that direction.

Tony 2:34

The tone of our homes, they're shaped by what we practice. So if we're if we're practicing that encouragement, that's what's gonna shape us. Tone is not based on what we wish would happen, it's based on what actually does happen. So we need to, like Christine just said, we need to be intentional about the encouragement that we're looking to foster.

Kristy 3:00

I think uh what I would add to this is that I think it uh we kind of go through seasons, right? There are times when we're better equipped to be encouraging. We're managing our time, we're managing our our resources, and it's a little bit easier. But there are also times where I can speak for myself, there are times when I have been in a season where I've just had too much on my plate, and the tone of my home was frantic because my energy was frantic. I am the mother, I'm the wife. And for me, when it when I get to to moments where it's all about, I gotta get this done, move, I gotta get this done. Come on, get done so we can, you know, move on to the next thing. Like that doesn't feel good for anybody. I guess what I would say is if you're if you're in a place like that right now, it can change and it will change. It's gonna ebb and flow with what's going on in our lives, but we never lose the ability to be intentional. We just sometimes forget.

Tony 4:05

Most of us want our homes to feel safe and life-giving and encouraging and you know, but good intentions alone don't shape culture. Uh you know, we we've said it a couple of times already, which it's about being intentional, but it's also about consistency. And when we consistently notice and we say it out loud and and we bring attention to it, that's what's gonna change the culture. And actually, and that's what sets the culture too. So if you're constantly criticizing or bringing up the negative things or whatever, that's the culture that you're going to breed in in your home. We have to acknowledge that it's easy to focus on the things that need to get fixed, the things that need to get done, the things that you know need to just go quickly because we've got ten thousand other things to do. And this especially happens when when we're tired, when we're stressed out, when we're like Christy said, when we're j juggling way too much, but we're doing anyway. This episode is about shifting that attention, not lowering the standards of of what we're doing. This is about shifting focus so that we can notice the good and not focus on the negatives that that are all around sometimes. And I just wanna I think the the last thing I want to say to this is that noticing the good is not denial, it's not denial of of the circumstances that that you're living in. It's just choosing to see people the way that God sees them. Even when you're tired, even when you're stressed, even when there are uh half a dozen fires in your life that you're trying to put out all at once, we're still going to focus on the good that's in front of us, because that's what God does for us.

Kristy 6:23

So, as we kind of were talking through what we wanted to say about this, um, we came to Hebrews 1024 as the anchor in scripture for this episode. And it says, Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Super simple, super straightforward. But the emphasis for me there is around the idea that encouragement really is intentional. It says, consider how, you know, thoughtful, takes effort, takes care. This is me knowing that Tony's headed home from work and he's had a heck of a day. He texted me at, you know, lunchtime and said, you know, babe, I could use some prayer. You know, it's a rough one. And sometimes it happens, right? Sometimes I do the same for him. But what I've been told to do in, you know, in Hebrews here is to consider how I could help. Like, what could I do? What could I say? So that when Tony hits the door and walks in for the evening, everything that he is carrying, the load, the stress, the frustration, you know, what how can I help him move, you know, shift toward love, toward, you know, toward things that are good, toward things that feel good. And it's not just a flippant, you know, hey, glad you finally made it home, you know, that is not gonna do it. It, you know, it needs to be, it needs to be thoughtful. What can I say? Like I am his wife, you know, and if somebody is going to speak life into this man and to turn the tide on a rough day, who's it gonna be but me? That's my privilege and my responsibility. It's for me to do that. And I need to consider how I better be thinking. Once, you know, once I've been notified, it's a rough one out here. It is for me to figure out how I can spur him toward love. How can I, how can I unseat that? How can I help with encouraging words? You know, and how can I make my home a place of respite that any, that the kids or Tony or or I or you know, friends, anybody who's had a rough minute looks forward to. I mean, like, don't you guys all have somebody that like you just know that once you walk in that house, like everything's gonna be okay? You know, you're gonna get some encouragement, you're gonna get a little pep talk, maybe you're gonna get a good dinner, then you're gonna leave feeling better than you showed up. Um, and for me, that's what Hebrews 10, 24 says. It says, the instant you know things are rough, you better start figuring out how you're gonna, how you're gonna send your person out better than they came to you.

Tony 9:08

Encouragement is is one of those like simple ways to love on purpose. It doesn't have to be the grand gestures. I can say from experience that some of the biggest ways that I have felt so loved from Christy have come from the simplest things. Because she knew that those things meant something to me. And so sometimes it's just a sentence, sometimes, you know, it's just a funny meme or something that that just kind of breaks the the ice a little bit, but those things can land like such a blessing because we took the time, like the verse says, to consider to be an encouragement to that other person.

Kristy 9:58

What I think it isn't is flattery. It's not empty. Encouragement. I can say something goofy and make Tony smile, but that's not encouragement, that's distraction, it's different. It's recognition, right? It's the recognition of something in him or something that he's done or said that that it's moving him toward or somebody else, really, driving someone any like it. It's it's what's causing motion forward. And it's seeing that and calling it out and saying, like, good on you, you got this, you know. I think that the world has trained us to see problems. I think most of us at work, we're not paid to call out how everything is going so well, right? It's to how can we get better? Everything is about constantly getting better. How can we, you know, let's ask the customers what's making them so unhappy so that we can fix it. Let's figure out how we can get more efficient. Let's, you know, there's always, it's, there's always attention that's being called to spotting problems. I think there are times where we think, oh, that's awesome. I, you know, I can't believe you got that. That was awesome. If we think it, right? We think kind things, we think encouraging things. We don't always say that out loud. And so what happens over time is that we're thinking, you know, we're thinking the good things, but we somehow we we don't celebrate. We move away from a culture of celebration and the encouraging things, the the actual recognition of what somebody else is doing well stays within us. And so it might shape the way I see my coworker or my husband or my kid or whatever it is, but it doesn't change anything for them because I didn't call out, hey, I saw you. I saw what you did there. That was awesome. You know, I think so many things we just assume. Um, and so they they go unspoken. You know, they know I'm grateful. I don't want to make it weird. This one is the tough one for me, right? So many times I see something and I'm just like, I really want to tell that lady I like her crazy awesome shirt. I don't want to make it weird. You know, so I so I don't always say those, say those things. You know, maybe it's he's he like, I don't want to inflate his ego. You know, he already knows. Just ask him how great he is. He'll tell you. Like, there's some assumption that we make that that justifies to us why we don't need to say that encouraging thing out loud, why we shouldn't call out the celebration, why we couldn't, you know, draw attention to the positive thing in the in the middle of all this mess. That has a cost. Withholding encouragement, the celebration, I think I like celebration even better. What goes unspoken eventually goes unfelt. We take it for granted. People wonder, you know, if anybody notices, you know, them at all. I'll tell you, you guys know that I teach part-time, and I have been in this spot where working so hard to give my students like detailed feedback on every little component of the assignments. And I'm all up in the discussion boards and I'm, you know, I'm doing all the things and I'm trying so hard to connect, to make sure that my student has a good experience, to make sure that if they've made a mistake, that they're not gonna make that mistake again. And I've wondered, like, dude, I, you know, I get my eval and it's meets, meets, meets expectations, meets expectations. I'm like, there's nothing I can do. Like, I am, I'm working as hard as I can for my students. And you're just gonna say that meets expectations. Like, that is not particularly motivating. I don't know if they notice me at all unless I'm on a report for missing something. And it doesn't feel good, right? In this case, I mean, it doesn't matter if it feels good, it's the right thing for my students, and so it's what I'm gonna do. But it would be really cool if the university would say, like, hey, cool feedback, you know, I love that you you called that out to the student or, you know, whatever it might be. I can say people can get to a place where they wonder if they're noticed at all. But it's not just work, right? This shows up in marriages. This shows up your partner does, you know, some kind thing, some loving thing, and we don't call it out. We don't celebrate it. Sometimes we don't even say thank you, you know, or we see that our partner is just slaying it out there in the world. We see that they've made a difference, you know, maybe to the kids. Um, you know, something that um hubby, you know, said or did for one of our kiddos just really changed that experience. And if I don't call that out, it's a miss for us both. What I'm saying so many words to finally get around to is that if you don't say it, eventually you stop paying attention. You don't notice. And that's really, really sad. And it's really damaging when uh when we stop noticing the good things that happen around us. It happens in in parenting, it happens with our kids. They all our kids want in the world is to make us happy. They just want to make us proud of them. They want us to see, I mean, they they tell us, look at, look at mama, watch me, mama, watch me daddy, look at me do this. You know, and then they get a little older and it's, you know, I got a I got a 98 on my biology test today. And when what we say is, what did you miss? That's a miss. And the miss wasn't the kid, the miss was us, right? We have to celebrate those things. And honestly, when your kiddo comes home and says, I got a 72 on my biology exam, and you witnessed hours, days and hours of study, and you know it was gonna be a hard exam. And kiddo comes home and says, I got a 72, that's the time to call out, I saw how hard you worked for that. I saw you, I saw the hours you put in. We got to call those things out at work. It's the same. Like in leadership, we owe it to the teams that support us, to the teams that generate the outcomes that we get credit for, you know, or that we have to take accountability for. It's really important that we call those things out. When we see somebody, when we see somebody get results, that's that's easier, right? But sometimes we don't see somebody get results and we see somebody working so hard and just not seeing it yet. I think that's the the most important thing, right? That's the place where we gotta call out celebration. I saw how hard you worked, that was a really good idea. It's a good plan. It hasn't come to fruition yet, but it's a good plan. Those little things matter so much.

Tony 17:01

I think it's important to say that if you did not grow up hearing steady encouragement, steady affirmation, everything that we just said may feel like a foreign language, may feel like absolute greed to you right now.

Kristy 17:20

That's so fair, yes.

Tony 17:22

And here's the thing that's okay, give yourself grace and let's learn together. None of us do this perfectly. None of us do. Just really quickly from a leadership standpoint, if you want to see your team truly thrive and truly go to the next level, when you foster an environment of encouragement, you are fostering that safety that then is able to to really make some special things happen because now they're not afraid. It matters so much, and it matters so much more in our homes. There's so much power in calling out the good that we are able to see in others. It strengthens unity, and this is a big one, especially in marriages. If I was not encouraging to my wife, good luck to me. It does so much as far as like closeness and communicating better, being on the same page, you know, the the intimacy between between you two, it strengthens all of that when we are fostering an environment of of encouragement for each other. And when we are in that environment, it softens the conflict. Because there's still going to be conflict in any relationship, whether it's marriage, whether it's work, whether it's parenting, doesn't matter, still there's still going to be conflict. When that conflict happens inside of an environment of encouragement, you both are operating from a much better headspace because you're still operating from this is my person. This is the person that I know is trying hard. I know is, you know, this has gotta be a misunderstanding or miscommunication between us because I know my person. I know she's working hard.

Kristy 19:35

Ladies, I think this is one that where sometimes maybe we are a little more guilty than our guys. Um and the reason I think this is because how often do we say, I need you to help me more? I need you to help me around the house, or I need you to help me with the kids. And so he does. So he initiates bathtime and you go in there and there's water all over the floor, and you're like, not like that. You're doing it wrong. Try to keep the water in the tub. You know, we say some snarky thing because he didn't do it our way. But at the end of the day, the kids are queen, queen er, you know, if they're in their pajamas. Like, I think it's really important to thank and praise. Um, and it goes back to effort, right? It, you know, the outcome, I mean, it's gonna be there either way in in that example. But I think there's just so many, so many ways that we ask for help and then we we tear down the effort because it it isn't happening the way that we would have done it. Or we, I don't know, somehow we get tunnel vision on dumb stuff like vacuuming. Like, I don't know. But when we ask for help and somebody helps, we should just say thank you. I really appreciate that. I saw you, I saw you do that. Thank you for it.

Tony 20:52

When we're in that mode of encouragement tube, it also helps lower defensiveness. So when something does happen, we don't automatically like jump into that fight or flight mode. We're able to to you know react calmly, rationally to be able to say, Oh, I'm sorry, but this is what I was trying to do. This is my intention to help me. That's the thing, right? Like, I think if we don't have that that environment of of encouragement, we're not willing to say, I'm sorry, please help me. We say, Well, I was trying to do something, and Yeah, all you're gonna do is complain. Oh, yeah, and and then it's like, well, now it blows up into something even bigger when it was something minor as getting water on the bathroom floor. This whole thing about encouragement, it it helps create you know the goodwill and and the the emotional deposits that carry the relationship when there is. Is that hard moment or or struggle or or whatever it is that inevitably is going to happen to everyone? This world is hard. We need to have the encouragement as kind of that backstop.

Kristy 22:16

Um, I think so. Earlier, um, Tony and I were um my parents sitting talking with my mom, and my mom said something like, I love when Tony's here, like I love having Tony around, or something like that. And I said something like, Isn't he so easy to love? Like it's everything is better when Tony's around. And then in my head in that moment, and I was thinking, and how many ways have I torn him down about some dumb thing that didn't matter or complained or whatever? And it's one of those where, like, it's true at the exact same time that I love this man more than anything else in the world. And also sometimes I'm really mean to him. Like it, it, those shouldn't go together, but they do. And so I think in those moments when we when we lean away from celebrating the good, and when we somehow forget that this man is like the most beautiful gift that God could have given. I mean, like he made this guy for me, and here he is, and here's me complaining about something stupid, like that's ridiculous, you know. And so I think it's that, it's that mindfulness, right? It's um just like anything else, with gratitude comes, you know, comes positivity, and I was very grateful for you know, for my mom's absolutely unin she was completely unaware of the way she was refocusing my my thought, but I'm grateful for it.

Tony 23:47

Chrissy is much more gracious to me than than I deserve. Um I I should be a lot better for her as a husband, as a leader, as uh I so appreciate everything that she does, and and above all, I I appreciate the grace that she extends to me each and every day uh because I get it wrong more often than I get it right, but I but I so appreciate the grace uh that she shows me and and you know it it brings me to the the point about how homes feel different when encouragement is in place. There's less walking on eggshells, people are willing to be themselves, they're willing to you know to let their personality show. They're they're willing to be weird, be quirky, you know, be their true selves, and there's more breathing room in that space when encouragement is the predominant thing in the home. That helps foster growth, that helps foster healthy relationships and and stronger relationships because there is room to grow and room to breathe and room to make mistakes, be corrected in a loving and and a gentle way, that is still encouraging to be better the next time or better going forward or whatever it is.

Kristy 25:31

I don't even there doesn't even always need to be correcting, right? I think if we if we if we call out effort, if we say, I see how hard you're working, I see how hard you're trying, irrespective of whatever mess-ups or you know, mishaps or whatever might happen, isn't it just so much easier to take a risk on something else when when you know the person is seeing the effort, that's how amazing things happen. That's how creative things happen, when we're not afraid to try because we know somebody's noticing that we're trying, that the effort is there.

Tony 26:09

What Christy is pointing to actually is why this podcast even exists. Because she encouraged me to do the research and try, and that's what we're doing. You know, we're doing this podcast, we're 40 episodes in. Wow. We're 40 episodes in, and that's amazing to to think about that. But it's because I I have a wonderful wife that that when I said, honey, I think we need to do this, or I think we need this gear or this microphone or she said, do it. Go for it. Burn the ships, babe. Burn the ships, and and we did, and and like again here we are. It's because I knew that she would would see the effort and and understand the effort and I think most importantly, acknowledge the effort and it allowed me to go ahead and take a risk and do something that I had never done before. Jump into an environment that honestly I wanted no part of before before this.

Kristy 27:26

Same thing, a little bit different direction. You know, we had a situation recently where our middle kiddo lives in a different state and is really just kind of like learning, right? This is the very beginning of independent adulting. And so when stuff comes up, she hasn't always seen it before. So she reached out to dad, you know, looking for a little advice. She got a letter about um some insurance problem, some dumb, you know, if you have to call the insurance company and, you know, give all your information and say what it said and just, you know, do what they told you to do. And so Tony coached, and you know, these are some things that, you know, if you say this, they might say this. This could happen, like these are the possible outcomes, just really just some, just some basic, you know, coaching, like because it's a situation that, you know, was completely unfamiliar, but ended with, and either way, let me know how it goes. I would love to hear how it went. And so next morning, before we thought this kid was out of bed, Tony already has a message saying, I called him and it went great. They, you know, it was no big deal. They told me to just do this and it was done. But it's because Tony went with, you know, provided some guideposts, but really just gave the confidence that, like, kid, you got this. I know you can do this. You know, it's new. You haven't done it before, but you're fully capable of this. And I'm so proud of these other recent examples of adulting that I've seen you do so well. This is just another one. Um, and sure enough, like it changed everything. This kid that six months ago just lacked confidence. And, you know, we we were worried, just, you know, that this this kiddo hadn't seen a lot of you know, a lot of success and whatever. And all of a sudden, this kid's adulting like crazy. But it's because of those gentle encouragements. It's it's because Tony has been consistent and intentional. I mean, for years before we, before this kiddo launched, uh, for years, Tony has just been so intentional and so loving and so forgiving of struggles, you know, times when we were behind on something or something didn't get done, and always, always focused and rewarded effort. Like, babe, that's that was you, and um changed everything. It changed absolutely everything for this kid.

Tony 29:54

Thank you, honey. And there's a key in all of this. Encouragement doesn't ignore what what's wrong. There were times where where thing things were happening that I was not happy with, you know, when when it came to to that baby, and but at the same time, I still wanted to let her let her know that hey, I see you and I see what's going on, and I and I believe in you and I know that you can I know that you can do this. And sometimes it you know, it was still hard and there were times that I still was banging my head against wall, but it but I but I knew I knew then and I still prayed God let her hear let her hear my heart let her understand and and even if even if it doesn't register in this moment let it hit later when she truly needs it let it just come back to her in those in those moments and it over and over and over again it has because we've had conversations and she's like dad I remember you telling me XYZ encouragement is about just anchoring people in what's right.

Kristy 31:21

It would it became an expectation. I'm sorry to jump in on this, but it it was a culture. You created a culture, and that support became the expectation. I think so often we say words and it's just what we say. Like we, you know, we're adults, and so maybe we've had the experience, we've been there, whatever, we say the things, but our kids they store these things away, right? I asked this question and my mom said this. And if you asked me 20 minutes later, what did you say? I'm like, I don't know, probably something about, you know, like it, it, it isn't, it's it's almost immaterial to us. We just answer. But our kids, they remember it. They remember it verbatim. It's like there's just some sort of storage thing that they they keep. And it's not always even just kids, right? Like sometimes it's something at work that somebody said that to them was just a throwaway thing. It was, but they called out something positive. They created a culture where the expectation was people are gonna notice, you know, that I'm doing good things. They're giving me advice. They're, they're, they see me here. They see me here and they love me and they want what's best for me. And gosh, isn't that a reflection of the love of our Heavenly Father and and what he does for us? But you never know, guys. The the encouraging, kind, celebratory words that you say, I mean, that could be everything to the person that receives them.

Tony 32:54

I want there to be a balance. Like correction has its place. It it does, but the foundation of everything should be a foundation of being known and valued for the person that you are so that the encouragement is is there so that when the correction happens, they know that they're still seen and valued. And that they know that even though the correction is taking place, you still especially in a parent situation, when their correction is taking place, they know that you still love them and that you still see them and value them and all all this uh that encouragement has to be there first so that they know.

Kristy 33:51

Yeah. If you have to build trust, I've always said this, so for me, it's a it's at work, right? When I um I mean, when I have gone to a school and had to had to bring change, the first thing that I always felt like I had to do was win that team, like win their trust, be consistent, call out the good things, and you know, never let them down, never embarrass them in front of a peer or a student or whatever. You have to win the trust. And you're right, it's so that when you need to go back later with correction, their safety, right? They know, they know who you are, they know what they can expect, and they know if if this person is bringing this up as something that needs to be fixed, I should really take it seriously. Like this has value. They they see the good. Now they've they've seen something less good, and and it's something we need to address.

Tony 34:49

And and I think that just goes to culture, and I want you to talk more about that because that you you opened that door, and so I want you to to go there and walk through that because this is this is where you sign, because you you do this so so well, and I see it every single time you start at an in a new job, you do this so so well, and I'm amazed at how you do this.

Kristy 35:17

Thanks, babe. It's just it's small stuff, right? It it's calling out positives that that are not milestones. It's not that you um that you set little signposts, you've met a short-term goal. It's I mean, it's just cool stuff. And it's usually not some what somebody does, it's how somebody is. It's when somebody is reflecting the love of God. It's when somebody is, you know, going above and beyond, or somebody is being humble when they could, you know, readily be bragging, or you know, it's it's usually around that. Um, it's it's effort, it's progress, right? It's I've seen you come so far. Like I your growth is just blowing my mind right now, kind of a thing. I see you showing up. It's been so hard. It's been so, so hard. And I see you every day showing up with a good attitude. You know, sometimes with uh with kiddos, it's you know, it's a tough season at school. Like I said, we had a time with uh with E where it was just rough. We sent her to school fourth quarter of eighth grade. And like I said, the the kids who had been in school all that whole school year, you know, overlapping COVID, they were the friend groups. And this kid every day got up and went to school with a good attitude, even though she felt excluded, even though, you know, she she didn't see hope, even though kids that that she had been close with for years kind of didn't have a lot of of time or or space for her. She showed up every day, you know, with a good attitude. And you gotta call that stuff out. It's it's faithfulness that maybe nobody else sees. It's when you notice something like that, you gotta call it out. This is how we build a culture of celebration. Saying stuff out loud, it's you know, daily spoken encouragement is huge. Say it out loud. You can write a little note, you know, whatever, but put it to words. Make sure that the person knows and be specific. It doesn't do any good to say, like, you're awesome, babe, you're awesome. You know, it's is it kind? Is it, you know, whatever? Sure. But when I say, you know, I saw the way you showed up for our middle baby, I saw the way you were on the phone with that kid, and it blew my mind. Like that's specific and that matters to somebody. Um, and it's simple phrases over and over the same thing. I had a student one time, she had a she had a lot of struggles. This was a student who really lacked self-awareness, self-esteem. She had a very hard time. And she would come by my office, and I didn't even real, I didn't realize what she was doing. I didn't realize it was even happening. But she would come by my office every time she had to do something hard. And again, without realizing it, I must have said, You got this. I must have said it every time. And I was there with that student for two and a half years. As she was leaving, she came one day and she she had this little tote bag. It was like a, you know, like the unbleached cotton tote bag, and in black letters on the side it said, You got this. And she said, I saw this. I was thrifting and I saw this, and I knew I had to get it for you because that's what you always say. And I was like, Is it? Is that what I always say? You know, kind of thinking to myself, but it's just simple phrases. And and like I said, I mean, I can't take credit for it because I didn't even know I was doing it. But if if me repeating every time she came by, you got this, if that gave her the impression that she's got this, that's, I mean, like, that's huge, you know. So what is it? What do you say to your spouse? What what phrase do you say? What do you say to your kiddos? Is it a high five? Is it a, you know, is it a you got this? Is it a I saw that? Um, there's a guy, but he's a teacher, Mr. Ike, he goes by. He records these videos about uh when he was teaching, he taught like fifth, sixth grade, like tough age, right? I guess he wrote a book. He might have written a couple of books at this point, but he he tells these little stories, just these tiny little snippets of things that happened. And he tells this one where there was a kid that everything he did, he was like, I zoomed. Uh, you know, he um I guess had a soccer game over the weekend and he talked it up and we're gonna win, we're gonna dominate, like I'm gonna, I'm gonna rule the field. The game happened, and he came back the next day, and the kids were like, How'd it go? What happened? And he's like, Well, we lost, but I still zoomed. And like for the rest of that school year, I still zoomed, was what they'd say. You know, how did it go? How was your test? Ah, I didn't do so great, but I still zoomed, you know, meaning like I showed up, I ran hard, I tried, I gave it my best. And for him, that was the phrase. I still zoomed. Did but did you zoom? You know, it didn't go right, but did you zoom? Huge. It's absolutely huge. For me, it's just those small things, right? That's how we create culture, that's how we shape culture. It's how we um, it's the nuanced wording and the nuanced interactions that we have with people that let them know that it's that we're consistent and that it's safe for them to be consistent. You know, early on in my relationship with Tony, this was, I think, when we were still dating, even. Um, and certainly at the beginning of our marriage, I had a work situation that was tough. And I would get there. I was working long days. I was working split shifts, teaching in the morning from like eight to eleven or eight to twelve, and then doing whatever odds and ends in the middle of the day. And I was teaching at night from six to 10. I was getting home well after 11 at night, like just long days. And there I had some just whatever, it was just not a great end, some tough co-workers. And I remember so many mornings. I talked to Tony on the drive in, and I would get there and he would say, Babe, you're gonna get out of the car and just go in like I'm holding your hand. He's like, How you would feel and how you would be if I was holding your hand and walking right in with you. He's like, I am right there with you. And I would get out of that car and I would straighten my back and I would walk in there like this amazing man was right beside me. And it changed everything for me. It changed absolutely everything. It changed the way I saw myself. It changed the way I saw my job. It changed the way that I interacted with my coworkers, it increased my confidence. I mean, it changed everything. And it was Tony's consistency, consistency in that quiet support that just I'm right beside you, I'm right there with you. And that's what he said. And he still says it, I'm right there with you, babe. You got this, I'm right beside you. Changes everything, changes absolutely everything. From my perspective, like that is just something that we have, like he has done very, very well across our marriage. Um, you know, and it's it's an area where we've had just consistency. And so I think that's why it's been so impactful. When we were talking about this earlier and kind of trying to think, you know, what we wanted to bring to you guys, if we were talking about like maybe what we wish that we had done sooner, like what have we figured out now that we didn't always have. And we both came to the immediate realization that it's prayer, that we wished that we had been praying together sooner. Um, because that was another, like another game changer for us. And that has become part of the culture of our marriage and our our family, our household is just prayer and praying together, praying with each other for each other, and um absolute game changer. And that's kind of what we came to that we wish that we had had known sooner and done sooner. But at the same time, you know, this stuff takes time. And like Tony mentioned earlier, this isn't how everybody grew up. This isn't how this culture of celebration, it isn't how everybody has lived. And so, you know, if it if it takes time, if it's something that you get in bits and pieces that you, you know, you work on and you do something really well for a while and then you add something else later, that's totally valid. Like there's no, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I get a little passionate talking about this because it's professionally what I do. But um but it's not all or nothing, right? It's very normal and it's very cool and very acceptable to just pick it up a little bit at a time. Just keep adding on to onto what you've been doing that you know that has been working. If I had an ask for you, an encouragement for you to try, um, it would be to just think of somebody. Think of somebody that lives in your house with you, spouse, parent, you know, kids, aunties, uncles, you know, we all have different people living in our homes. Maybe it's a friend, a roommate, but just pick somebody and just be intentional this week. If you don't have to do any grand gestures, nothing crazy, but just think about, you know, think about what they bring to your life, to your home, to their days. What are they going through? And when you see something cool, when you see something, when you see where they're working really hard, just call it out. You know, it doesn't have to be a big deal. Just be like, that was awesome how you did such and such, or I saw you, I see how hard you're working, like results are gonna come. Just something. Um, and just be intentional. Try to say something every day if you can and just see what happens, see what changes, see how it goes for you.

Tony 45:16

I think the biggest thing with with uh the challenge that Christine's is giving out is is is saying it out loud, being intentional about that, because it's really easy to think it. And I think we're expert thinking encouragers and and we we're we we love to think about encouraging things, but but saying it out loud and and bringing attention to it at it it just makes all the difference in the world. And to that point, encouragement is a spiritual practice, it it is it is reflecting the heart of God when we are calling out things that that are encouraging and we're and we're calling out the the good that we see in people. Because when we are being encouraging to others, what we're doing is we're mirroring how God sees his children, how God sees the the people that he created that we're interacting with day in and day out. We've said it already on on in this episode, but encouragement builds that trust. When you are known as as an encourager, people grow and they feel safe, they're around you more, they they want to to be in your presence because you're bringing that energy that is often lacking, and the homes that are shaped by encouragement become places that we go for rest and we go for restoration in in the sense of like this world will beat us up day in and day out. But when we go home to a home that is built and filled with encouragement, we get refueled, we we get the rest that we need, and we're able to walk out of walk out of our homes or or walk out of the car, and we're we're able to to face our day in a in a much better way. Uh b because of the encouragement that that we know and that we have. Last but certainly not least, like encouragement is is worship to God, because when we are when we are naming all of those good things and we're and we're being encouraging uh to the people that we know, to the people that we love, we are honoring the way that God has designed those people. And and gratitude and encouragement, those are spiritual acts that but honestly we don't practice as much as we should. And when you call out the good that is in someone, you're agreeing with God. And you're agreeing on the way on on God's work even within them as they're growing in in their walk and relationship with God. And that's that's worship in in simple everyday language that we should be using anyway.

Kristy 48:46

I think the call-outs that that I have are that your situation, your home, you know, your work, whatever, but I think really especially about your home. It doesn't have to be perfect to have power. It it has to be intentional. We just have to remember to, you know, to say the good things. Like they're there, right? The those good things are there. We, you know, we married people that we love, we married people that we saw good in. We married people that we felt, you know, potentially reflected the beauty and the and the majesty and the love of God. You know, and so it's there. It's the stuff is gonna happen, they're gonna do cool stuff, they're gonna be brave, they're gonna work hard, they're gonna be diligent or kind or, you know, any number of things that are really easy to call out, we just have to remember to call them out, right? We're not gonna, you know, we're not trying to minimize a a tough situation that somebody's in or give the impression that results don't matter at all, that it, you know, as long as you showed up, or like we're not trying to say any of those things. We're not trying to qualify anything or or oversimplify anything, just to say that when you see something good, say it out loud. And so consistency in that really can, that's what can make your home the place where people go. Um, you know, where you're you know that when your spouse has had a hard day, they can't wait to get home because they know they're gonna find rest and they're gonna find encouragement. And they're not driving home dreading, you know, what's gonna happen, you know, who's gonna be complaining about what when they get to the front door. You know, you're gonna be the friends, you're gonna be the family or the couple or the or the person where when somebody's having a rough time, you're gonna be the one that they seek out. You're gonna, you know, it's gonna be your house because they know that when they walk in, they're gonna be loved unconditionally, that people are gonna, you know, gonna point out the the good things. You know, you're probably gonna get fed good at that house. Like it's it's a way of nurturing, it's a way of of loving, it's a way of reflecting God's love to people that that matter to us. You know, it's a place where where we remind people that they matter, that they matter to us and beyond, that they certainly matter to the to the God who created them. You know, and it's where we we can um, it's like a little pit stop, right? Where we can patch them up and help them be strong enough to go back out in the world and do it again, especially when when the effort feels unrewarded. And we all know that there's, you know, there's seasons, there's whole seasons where that happens, where we know we're planting, we're watering, we're working so hard, and the results just aren't coming yet. We know that they will, or we believe that they will. But but those encouragements, that culture of celebration, of kindness, of encouragement, that's how people get strong enough to go back out and do it again another day, knowing they're still probably not going to see those results yet. Tony, is there anything that you want to add?

Tony 51:54

Anything you wanna Your home can be a shelter even on imperfect days. The goal is not to be flawless, the goal is to be faithful. When we're faithful in in looking for ways to be encouraging, I I think that that we're we're doing what God wants us to do and we're making progress on building that home of encouragement.

Kristy 52:24

Shall I pray us out? Absolutely. Father, we come to you so grateful that you make us all uniquely and wonderfully, and with uh, you know, just with so many qualities and characteristics that are worthy of praise. And um, you know, we ask you to draw our attention, sharpen our awareness of those really good things, draw our attention to um to the to the effort, to the just the small loving ways, or the the extra effort, or um just the little acts of kindness that you know that people do. Please uh soften our hearts and help us to say those things out loud. And at the same time, when we open our mouth to say something sharp or biting or true but unkind, please just help us to rethink that. Help us to rethink that and instead maybe say nothing uh, you know, in that moment and wait until we can call out something positive and just build up and reinforce um the hard work and and the effort that somebody is making. Um you know, most of the time when we mess up, we know we've messed up and we feel bad about it, you know, and you judge. We don't judge. It's it's not for us to do. That's your thing. So please guide us accordingly, guide our words, guide our hearts. Please help our homes to be places that people feel safe, uh, where people can come to feel strong and um and that where they know they're gonna be shown grace and they know they're gonna be shown um compassion, and we where they know that somebody is there to celebrate who they are, how they were made, and just um really call attention to the ways that they reflect your love for them and for all of us. Thank you for our families. Thank you for the people that you've entrusted to us, to me as a wife and a mother. Thank you for these beautiful, precious people that you've put in my life. Um, please, God, help me to steward that in a way that that honors you, that makes you proud and happy. And please let me speak to them and love on them and encourage them in the ways that you would, in the ways that you would have me do those things. And I pray that for everyone who's listening, that the people in their lives would be just touched in the ways that you would want them to. Um, guide our words, guide our hearts. Um, and we ask all of this in such gratitude and in the name of your precious son Jesus. We love you. Amen. Amen.

Tony 55:07

Thank you so much, friends. Hope you have a great day and a great rest of your week. And we'll see you next time.

Kristy 55:13

Bye, friends. Thank you for being with us.