Episode 66: Leading Your Home Without Controlling It

🎙️ Episode 66: Leading Your Home Without Controlling It

What does steady, Christlike leadership look like in real family life?

In this solo episode, Tony reflects on Father's Day, spiritual leadership, and what it means to help build a home that is more faithful, peaceful, courageous, resilient, and rooted in Christ. 

A title does not make a man trustworthy, faithfulness does. 

🔵 For Deeper Study:
 https://unshakenpodcast.org/leading-your-home-without-controlling-it/

From Joshua 24, Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, and the faith of Lois and Eunice, this episode walks through the difference between servant leadership and control, the cost many women carry when men are passive, and the grace of repentance when a man realizes he has not led well. This conversation is not asking anyone to endure abuse, hide harm, or carry leadership alone, and anyone in an unsafe situation should seek immediate help from trusted people and appropriate local support.

🔶 What You’ll Hear in This Episode:

• Why biblical leadership starts with responsibility, not control
• How repeated patterns shape the spiritual temperature of a home
• Why women who model faithfulness in hard homes are not invisible to God
• The difference between protecting a family and controlling a family
• How repentance, prayer, and ordinary presence can begin a new chapter today 

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Transcript

Kristy 0:06

Welcome to Unshaken the podcast where unwavering faith in its real life. I'm Kristy, and together with my husband Tony, we dive into authentic conversations, offering biblical insights and sharing stories that inspire resilience, especially for families navigating the challenges of disabilities. Join us each week as we explore faith and family and the journeys that keep us navigating. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's stand firm together.

Tony 0:42

I am solo today. Hope you guys had a great Father's Day. But I also know that sometimes Father's Day um brings a mix of emotions. For some of us, we celebrate Father's Day. For some of us, we grieve on Father's Day. Some of us feel gratitude, some of us feel a heavy absence, some of us feel the ache of what should have been. For many men, they are encouraged on Father's Day. Some feel convicted on Father's Day. And also, there are many women that are tired because they have carried more than they should have had to carry. And Father's Day can be a painful reminder of that. So what does it actually mean to lead a home well? Not what does it mean to be in charge or what does it mean to have the final word, but what does it mean to help build a home that becomes more faithful, more peaceful, more courageous, more resilient, more rooted in Christ. That's what I want to look at today. Biblical leadership is first not about claiming authority, it is about accepting responsibility and serving those that you are called to lead. A man can call himself a leader of the home and still avoid the weight of actually leading. Because leading a home is much more than just being physically present. We need to make sure that as men, that even if we are physically present, that we're not spiritually passive in the leadership of our home. Because that matters more than just a physical body. We can provide financially and still be emotionally absent. We see this all the time. We can know all the right words to say and still leave our families wondering whether or not we actually care. And that's a sad place to be, but it happens every day, and we need to do better. And we need to know that a title does not make a man trustworthy, faithfulness does. So just because we might be called to be the leaders of our home and we claim that title of leader of our home, it doesn't mean that we actually are leading well. If we want to be the leaders of our home, are we the first to pray? Are we the first to serve? Are we the first to protect the peace of our homes? Are we the first to lower our pride and serve from a place of humility? Are we the first to ask, what does love require of me here? Are we the first to wrap a towel around our waist, fill a bowl of water, and kneel down to wash the feet of those that we are called to lead? That's what Jesus did. Jesus doesn't lead the church by selfishness, by intimidation or distance. He gives himself up for the church. So if male leadership does not look like sacrificial love, which is what Jesus did for us, he sacrificed himself on a cross for each and every single one of us. If we are not willing to do that, no matter what we do, it's not Christ-like leadership. And so it really should make us think and pause about who we serve. You heard me say it recently on this podcast. It comes from Joshua 24:15. As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. Is that the same for you? And if it's not, then we gotta roll up our sleeves and do the hard work to get there. Our home is going to look like whatever it is that we repeat over and over again. It's not just about family devotionals, which are a great thing to do, and hopefully we are doing those. It's not just about church attendance, which again is a great thing, and hopefully that church attendance is strong for you and your family. It's not just about what we say we believe, but it's actually what we do and the things that continually happen in different circumstances that are going to come up each and every day. So, what happens when people are tired? How do you react? How do you respond? What happens when plans change? So when there's a monkey wrench thrown in in the plans, how are you reacting? How are you responding? Those are the things that are shaping my home, your home. How do we react when one of our kids is struggling? Whether it's they're struggling in school, whether they're struggling emotionally, whether they're struggling mentally. What happens in those situations? How are we reacting? Are we reacting with patience, love, compassion, curiosity? Are we looking to help in those situations? Or are we ignoring and getting distant in those situations? All of these things are going to influence what our homes are going to look and feel like as we go forward. What happens when our spouse is overwhelmed? Are we burying ourselves in our phones? Are we tuning it all out and watching TV, watching the latest game? Or are we stepping up and looking for the best way to support them when they are overwhelmed? What happens when money is tight? And nobody likes to talk about that, but that's a big driver of the temperature of a home. How are you when money is tight? How does your family feel the energy that is coming off of you when money is tight? What happens when someone messes up? When a kid spills something on the floor, when a bill doesn't get paid simply because someone forgot? What happens when the dry cleaning doesn't get picked up? What happens when a school project doesn't get done? How are you reacting in those situations? What happens when the house is loud and it's messy? And now maybe there's a disability thrown into the mix? What happens when the house is grieving for any number of reasons? What happens when there are two families coming together because now we're blending families? What happens when things are just complicated? There's no other way to describe it, but it's just complicated. Or you yourself are just stretched really thin. I hope that you're getting the picture that we're not talking about the perfect family image. We're talking about faith, family, and resilience when real life does not cooperate with us. The home and the people in your home are going to remember the patterns and the actions and the things that happened more than any speech or any words that come out of your mouth and that come out of my mouth. So, what are we doing as men? What are we doing as leaders when life doesn't go the way that we planned? And how are we leading that out for our families? But this goes beyond men, because I know that there are many women out there that are leading their homes completely on their own, even if they are married, because there are many homes where men are not leading with steadiness, they're not being humble, they're not leading with courage, and that's not what God is calling us as men to do, but it still happens. So in those homes, and in the absence of male leadership, women often become the stabilizers. You godly women, and I love each and every one of you for this. You model prayer, you model patience, you model repentance, you model endurance, wisdom, and faithfulness. I saw Kristy do this so many times early in our relationship when we first started dating, when I wasn't stepping up to be the leader that God had called me to be. She was so patient and she prayed so so much and so often. And I'm just thankful that she was so steady and so faithful, and that she modeled what I should have been doing from day one. That is so honorable and it is so costly, but it's not what God has intended when there's both a husband and wife in the picture. Because in that model where a husband and wife are in the picture, God is calling us as men to lead. But I do want to honor those faithful women that despite not having the leadership that you should have, you still are being faithful to what God is calling you to do. God is just calling us as men to step up. And sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. And it speaks to this in scripture. 1 Peter 3, verses 1 and 2 say this wives in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands, so that if any of them do not believe in the word, that they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. When they see the purity and the reverence of your lives, this right here is calling wives to model what men should be doing. But I want to be very careful here because if there is abuse going on in the relationship, please get the help that you need. This scripture is not talking about if you're in an abusive relationship, still submit. No, this is talking about submitting a safe environment to do so. So if you are being abused in any way, shape, or form, please get the help that you need. There is help out there. Elsewhere in scripture, we see in 2 Timothy chapter 1, verse 5, we see Paul talking to Timothy about the faith that his grandmother and mother had and instilled in him as he was growing up. It says, specifically, I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois, and in your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded now lives in you also. Paul was reminding Timothy that his faith started because of the faithfulness of his grandmother and his mother, and it was now continuing in him. He reminds him later on that his mother and grandmother were giving him scripture from the time that he was born. It's in 2 Timothy chapter 3 verses 14 and 15. When a woman models faithfulness, in the absence of godly leadership, she is not invisible to God. Within the home, every believer has influence. Husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, grandparents, single parents, adult children, caregivers, siblings, everyone contributes to the spiritual temperature of the home. But the call lands heavy on men because scripture does not give men permission to be passive. If the only time we talk about leadership is when we want authority, we've already missed the boat and we've already missed what Jesus has called us to be as godly leaders of our homes. And so how do we lead? How do we do this in practice? Well, we lead by listening to those in our homes. We lead by praying, not only for ourselves, but we pray for those in our homes, we pray for our wives, we pray for our kids, we lead by creating safety so that people are not walking on eggshells around us. We lead by staying engaged. That means when we come home, we don't stay away from the family. We come home and we engage with our family and we engage with what's going on within our homes. We lead by serving without needing, you know, a celebration because we served and we did something. No, we do it because that's what we're supposed to do. We do it because we're called to do it, not because of accolades. We lead by refusing to make our families carry emotional weight that they're not supposed to carry, but they carry it because we are immature. No, we step up, we do the personal growth, we step up and we become the men that God is calling us to be, so that someone else isn't having to carry a burden that isn't theirs to carry. We lead by being the same man, father, and husband that we are in private in public. And we need to make sure that we are following what it tells us in Ephesians chapter 5, verse 25. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Are we giving ourselves up for our wives and for our families? Are we actually doing that? And do our actions show us that we're doing that? Are we blocking our time to spend with our families versus allowing work to dictate how our calendar gets filled up? Are we turning off the TV and stepping up to help when someone is overwhelmed? Are we putting our phones down and letting a call go to voicemail when someone in our homes needs us? We need to be the kind of leaders that our families can trust. So our families can trust us when we are present, not just a physical presence, but when we are actually engaged with what's going on. When we're gentle in the face of a vulnerable time where our family needs us. So we can be both strong and gentle at the same time. We need to be safe for those that God has entrusted to our care. Are we consistent? That's not perfect. God's not calling us to be perfect, but are we steady that the family does not have to continually guess around us? And tied to that, do we repent when we need to? Do we say I'm sorry? Do we step up and say to our wives, you know what? I was wrong. I should have done better. And in the future, I'm going to do better. And if you do say those words, you better be better in the future. Again, not perfect, but steady and consistent. Are we spiritually awake and not outsourcing all the prayer and spiritual formation and church connection and emotional labor that we should be doing at home with our families? Are we protective of our families not controlling? Protective, there's a difference. Protective is about peace, it's about dignity, it's about truth, it's about spiritual health. Are we protecting those things for our wives, for our children, and are we creating the environments where those things can thrive? If not, we can start today. Because at the end of the day, the goal is not about running the house, the goal is about shepherding the house. We're called to be shepherds to those that God has blessed us with. And yes, our wives and children are blessings to us, and we need to treat them as such. And one way that we do that is by being a shepherd, not a dictator. Are we shepherding our homes well? And I want to speak to a group of people that may be listening to this, and maybe this whole idea of Father's Day and leadership from a father just really has you grieving because you just never had it. I hope for most of you that this has been encouraging, but I know that for some of you, this has amplified an ache of just grief and absence because you just haven't had it. Maybe your father did not lead. Maybe your your husband is not leading this way, and you wish he would. You're praying that he would. For my brothers out there, maybe you've been a good husband and a good father, but maybe you've been passive. Maybe Father's Day and this whole idea has brought up some things that you're still trying to process and still trying to name and still trying to work through. You need to know that this was not about shaming anyone. I feel really strongly about this for two main reasons. One, I have been lucky enough, and I do say lucky because I consider myself lucky, but I've been very lucky to have some good godly men and godly leaders in my life that have modeled this well, and I've also seen the flip side of it. I've seen good men who honestly, in my opinion, are good men, but they don't step up to lead. And you can see it in their families, they're wanting dad or husband, whatever the case is, to lead, and they just don't. And it's heartbreaking. I also think that a lot of times there might not be the resources that are needed to help someone lead. And I hope that as part of Unshaken, we can start to change that and start to create those resources. And I know much of that, if not all of that, is going to fall on me. And I'm looking forward to that challenge because I do want to help, I do want to be a part of seeing men step up to being the leaders that God has called each of us to be. Number one, if you are a woman and you are wishing that husband would step up and would be the godly leader, what I would say to you right now is just continue to pray. Continue to model the godly person that God is calling you to be. And if you are a guy out there right now, And you're listening to this, and you feel like, man, I've really missed a boat. I've really screwed up. You can repent today. You can say sorry today. And you can start today. That doesn't mean you have to have it all figured out because you don't, but you can start today and take a faithful step forward and say, God, I'm going to step up. God, I'm not going to continue to do this and continue to let my family down. I'm going to step up. I'm going to submit my life to you. I'm going to work on being the godly leader that you have called me to be. You may not be able to rewrite the past, but God gives you the grace that you can step up right now, start a new chapter, and write the rest of the story. At the end of the day, a legacy is not just what you inherited, it's also what you decide to do and what you decide to not continue. Because we all have that choice. We all know what has come up in our past. And we have the choice to continue the good things and to discontinue the negative things. We each have that choice every single day. For my brothers, do not wait until you feel like you've got it all put together. Because the honest truth is, none of us will have it all put together this side of heaven. And I want to be so clear with that. I'm speaking to you as a brother that is going through this same thing with you guys. I haven't arrived. Not even close. I work on things every single day. And I still got a long way to go. But I believe that the more and more I depend on Christ, the more and more I'm shaped by Him. And the more that I can be the leader that He has called me to be for my family. And I'm so thankful for that. So do not wait until you feel like you've got it all figured out. Instead, start with one simple thing that you can do today in your leadership journey. Maybe that's praying with your family. Maybe that's just a simple apology. I haven't been the leader that you have needed to be, that God has called me to be, but I want to do better by all of you. And so I want to start with something simple today. Maybe it's asking your wife what she's been carrying all alone that you should have been carrying for her. Maybe it's just simply putting the phone down and engaging with whatever's going on. Maybe instead of watching the whole game and checking out for three hours, maybe you engage and you just check out the highlights later on when everyone else is asleep. Maybe it's about speaking gently and creating a safe space and just showing up for the people that you love. For my sisters out there, your faithfulness is not wasted. If you've been caring more than what you should, God sees you, and God sees the cost. And we here at the Unshaken Family, we see you as well. Keep modeling what it is to be Christ-like, but don't confuse faithfulness with pretending that everything is okay. Seek wisdom, seek support, and seek truth. For all of us that are leading, whether you're a man or a woman, we have to ask ourselves: are we leading in the way that Christ is calling us to lead? And are we creating the environment in our homes that God is calling us to create, maintain, and protect? I can't answer that question for you. You have to answer that in your own heart and in your own mind. And wherever adjustment is needed, just know that adjustment can happen. We just have to make the faithful choice to start today. Because a home does not become strong because one person has or says all the right words. A home becomes stronger when the people living inside that home keep choosing faithfulness, humility, repentance, courage, resilience, and love. And when we do that as leaders, that's the kind of leaders that can bless not only our homes today, but can bless the generations that come after us. That's the kind of home where steadiness is strong, that a family is able to stand firm together. Let's pray, guys. Father, we come before you today. Just thankful that you have given us such a model of leadership in your son. Father, thank you that he modeled so perfectly what it is to lay down our lives for our families. So, Father, again, thank you so much for your son, Jesus. Father, I ask that you help me to be the husband and father you have called me to be. Father, I pray for each and every brother that is listening to this, that you help them to step up to being the man that you have called them to be. And Father, I do pray, especially for every single one of my sisters that is listening to this, that you let them know that you do see them in the cases where they are stepping up and leading and modeling what it is to be Christ-like. Father, wrap your arms around them, give them strength, give them wisdom, and give them the all the support that they need to continue to go forward. Give us each what we need to just continue to point people to you and to continue to bring your name glory. It's in your son's name I pray. Amen. Thank you guys so much. Hope you guys have a great day and a great rest of your week, and we'll see you next time.