Wedding Hive Podcast
Giving you the tea and ALL the buzz in the wedding world! New episodes every Wednesday!
Wedding Hive Podcast
008- From Marriage to Divorce: One Woman's Journey
Haley Carter shares her raw and emotional journey through marriage, divorce, and finding herself again while navigating the challenges of co-parenting two young children.
• Haley married her high school sweetheart in 2019 and had two children before separating in 2023
• Despite thinking they had a happy marriage, her husband suddenly announced he no longer wanted to be together
• Looking back, she recognizes red flags including feeling like she wasn't a priority in his life
• Transitioning from being a stay-at-home mom to 50-50 custody arrangement required significant adjustment
• Finding her identity outside of being a wife and mother became a crucial part of her healing journey
• Reconnecting with her LDS faith provided community, support, and framework for healing
• Returned to school and is now working toward nursing school while continuing her lash business
• Communication is key to successful co-parenting, with focus on doing what's best for the children
• Being honest with trusted friends and family about relationship concerns is important
• Now in a promising new relationship with someone who shares her faith and understands divorce
• The unexpected end of her marriage ultimately led to personal growth and happiness
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Hey queens, it's Kelsey and Grace back with the Wedding Hive.
Speaker 2:Giving you the tea and all the buzz in the wedding world. Let's jump right in. All right, you guys. Welcome back to another episode of the Wedding Hive podcast. Today I have one of my bestie girls, lash Tech Queen Haley Carter, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 1:Thank you, welcome, we're so excited to have you.
Speaker 3:Thanks, I'm so excited to be here. What?
Speaker 1:I'm most excited about is today you are bringing a different element. You know, we're all things weddings we're all things brides, bridal parties, all the tea when it comes to that. But today we are looking at it from a different angle. So, but before we give that away, do you have a yes or no for her? I do in fact Okay.
Speaker 2:So Haley yes or no to a prenup.
Speaker 1:Ooh.
Speaker 3:This is a hard question for me now. Yeah, yeah, I'm going, yes, and I don't think. Now. I think if you would have asked me before my divorce, I'd be like, absolutely not. Why are you starting off your marriage thinking it's going to fail? If I have enough money to even think about a prenup, yeah, and I wouldn't be offended if someone was like, hey, can you sign this?
Speaker 2:actually, you know what can you sign mine? You said well, actually I have one too.
Speaker 3:I hope I have enough money someday to be like here you go true, true, true.
Speaker 1:But yes it's a yes, we talked about prenups on the Cinco de Mayo. Yes, we did. I don't recall.
Speaker 2:I know me either. We had too much tequila, so I think we said yes, depending on the situation. Is that what we said? I think so Okay, if you have a lot, I'm with you. If I had like a big amount of money.
Speaker 1:I would say yes, talk about debt too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, like student loans those need to be written for your prenups. Yep, exactly, I'm with it. I'm with it too, you're with it, we're here. We're here to protect ourselves. I mean, I didn't get one, but like, hopefully. We never know what's going to happen? Yes, all right queens.
Speaker 1:So we obviously here talk all things weddings, bridal parties, bachelorettes, you name it. We are in the wedding world. However, there is another side to weddings that doesn't really get to be talked about, and so we are excited to bring some information to you today. Not only information, but Haley is here to share her journey and her story through marriage and divorce. So, haley, thank you so much for being brave and hanging out with us, answering some pretty raw questions that don't always get talked about. So thank you for being here. Can you just briefly share your story a little bit and what led to your separation?
Speaker 3:So I got married in November of 2019, right Grace was there. I was there, but before that, my ex-husband was my high school sweetheart. I was 16 when we were dating our boyfriend and girlfriend, you know you can only do so much in high school, but so we've known each other for like a really long time. Got engaged February 2019. Married real quick. In the middle of that engagement, we got pregnant with my son, Daniel, and you know, and it was good.
Speaker 1:And then you know get. Were you pregnant when you guys got married?
Speaker 3:yes, I was 20 weeks and I was like so lucky that my dress was glowing and beautiful.
Speaker 2:I will say you're a beautiful bride.
Speaker 3:Thank you, it was. I mean, my wedding was awesome. I'm it's annoying, but it was so cool, my dress gorge the ring g, the ring gorge so annoying, but yeah, so that was that. And then we had our son, march 2020. And, you know, covid happened. And then we had our daughter in 2022. And then 2023, divorce, well, separation. And then, you know, we were separated for a year and then we got divorced in 2024, officially.
Speaker 2:And now here, we are so okay.
Speaker 3:That's like the brief overview. Yeah Right, I don't know how much depth.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean. Well, and how was the process? You said it took a year. Was it because of issues between you two? Was it like what was the whole-?
Speaker 1:Were you trying to reconcile through that year or was it like the legal paperwork and mediations?
Speaker 3:So when the separation first happened, it wasn't like my choice. Like you know, he just one day was like I don't love you anymore, I don't want to be married, and that's fine. Like I've, you know, I'm healing from it, but it was like a huge shock. So I spent. I spent a couple of weeks I mean who knows, I don't even know how long it was, but it's been a long time Like I'll do anything like move out, Like take some time to yourself. Like let's work on it. Let's go to counseling. You know I was a stay-at-home mom so I was like you can be the stay-at-home dad, I'll go back to work. Like what do we need to do to fix this? Like we have two kids. Like we've been here since we were 16. Like let's work on it. And he was just like when I'm done with something, I'm done with something.
Speaker 1:And I was like did you see any signs leading up to it?
Speaker 3:no, I mean we, I mean our marriage was happy. We were happy, but with any relationship you have, whether that's spouse, partner, parents, friends, kids, you have to work on that relationship. With that being said, we had marriage issues but it wasn't anything.
Speaker 2:I thought we were getting divorced over.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like detrimental, that wasn't going to make it work. We were in our phase um where you know he would work and then I would take care of the kids and then when he got home I would go to work, and so I was the stay-at-home mom, but I still had like my lash business that I did on the side whenever I could, and so we really were just tapping in and tapping out, which is just what happens sometimes, and like sometimes you're upset, like I know I struggled really bad with postpartum depression with my son and then you know I had my daughter two years later, and so it's not a lot of time to like recover and I had even more depression and anxiety with my daughter, and that's just the kind of stuff that you just have to like go through.
Speaker 3:So we were happy, like all signs were like fine and good. We argued every, every marriage has some sort of problems. You know, nothing's perfect, but again nothing. I thought was like, oh, like we're going to be divorced. But you know, there were. I look back now and there were times that I would like talk to my mom and I'd be like mom, I don't know what to do. Like, and this was, this was coming from me. I was like I don't want to be divorced.
Speaker 3:And this was probably a year before this happened, emery was still a baby and I was just like I don't want to be my sister's also divorced. So I was like I don't want to be your second failed marriage. I was like I don't want a divorce, I don't know what to do, and she, she would ask all the questions like are you guys having sex? And I'm like, yeah, we're good there.
Speaker 2:It's not a problem.
Speaker 3:She's like so what's the problem? And I'm like I don't know. Well, I do know I made a lot of excuses, but he just wasn't prioritizing me in the way that I felt that I needed to be prioritized. And I remember having these conversations with him this is how I'm feeling, this is what I need from you. And I remember him being like yeah, I got it, we'll work on it, blah, blah, blah. And you know it would change for a little bit and then it would just go back to me just kind of being there.
Speaker 3:I was a stay-at-home mom, I didn't have time for friends. Like we had kids really fast, which puts a lot of excuses of like we're young, we had kids fast. You know, he's got lots of friends. If he wants to go out, that's fine, but it turned into like not coming home, like it turned into I'm going to leave work and go to the bar with my friends and I'm like at home by myself, and that happened all the time. And I mean I think I went out with Grace like two or three times my whole marriage, and so it's like it just got really.
Speaker 3:I got really tired of feeling like not a priority, which I think is like so normal. And I remember like one big argument it's not even argument, we didn't even argue we just were very good at talking, we were very respectful to each other.
Speaker 3:I just remember being like something has to change or I'm out, and he was like, yeah, I'll change it, I'll do this, this and this, and of course it didn't work. But fast forward, a year later, I don't think I would have ever left that marriage. I just would have put up with it and stayed for my kids. And like I left him, like that's the guy I've been with for years, you know, so I would have never left. And when he did like I said, it was like a huge shocker. I had no idea. And now I always say it's like the best thing he ever could have done for me because I'm so much better off now, best thing he ever could have done for me because I'm so much better off now. But so were there signs? Yes, was I seeing them? No, like rose colored glasses kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Now I can look back and be like, oh, that's not great, why'd you put up with that? So I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, thank you for sharing. I know it's a hard topic.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, it's okay, I'm, I really answer anyone who has questions and I'm very honest about it um. I like not that I was perfect, right, but I'm like I wasn't really my fault, so I'm okay see, nothing's like hard, because I I'm not always the nicest person and.
Speaker 3:I again struggle with postpartum and depression. It's like I was working through meds, like yeah, now I'm not always the nicest person and I again struggle with postpartum and depression. And so, like I was working through meds, like now I'm like stable and medicated and I'm great you know. And so I know I wasn't the easiest to work with but, like I was definitely not first. I was definitely not second, I was definitely not third on his list of priorities. So yeah, do you think that was?
Speaker 2:like the biggest issue, and that's why.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, that was my issue.
Speaker 2:What do you think his issue was? Did he ever really give an excuse? Or, if it came out of nowhere, would you think you know?
Speaker 3:he did tell me one time, you never ask, you never talk to me. And I'm like, bro, yeah, I do, I ask you a couple of times and then he wasn't the type of person to talk about his feelings, which is fine. But so then I'm like, when do I stop bugging you about it? Like if you're not going to talk to me, like that's fine. If you want to handle it, however, you want to handle it, that's cool. But like I'm going to ask you a couple of times and then after that, like I'm always like I'm not gonna like badger him. We know each other well enough to be like he doesn't talk about his feelings and that's okay if that's, if it works for you. But obviously it wasn't working, yeah.
Speaker 2:so yeah, well, yeah again. Thank you for sharing your whole story with um. You know, going through your divorce, what are some of the biggest emotional or, um, just maybe practical data life challenges you faced going through your divorce?
Speaker 3:So I think just trying to like get into a new normal was like really hard. While you're like sad and while you're figuring it out and while you're sharing time with your kids, that was like my hardest thing. I was a stay-at-home mom. I was with my kids 90% of the time, so then, to go to like 50, 50, like this is insane. And not only that, but like figuring out who I was, not just a mom and not just a wife, Like those are the only two things I really was or were, was were.
Speaker 1:That's who I was at the time.
Speaker 3:Like a mom and a wife, which is fine. But I'm trying to figure that out and then realizing really fast, I was like, oh, like my lash business is not going to support me and two children. Like I need to change a lot of things about myself, and so that was really weird. I went back to school. I'm working towards nursing school.
Speaker 1:I'm a CNA right now. I know it's so fun.
Speaker 3:I still lash, like you know. Majority of my time away from my kids goes to that. But I like got back into religion and really just focused on myself, so that was like really cool and eye opening.
Speaker 2:I don't even remember your question no, that is, yeah, like your biggest challenge it was just figuring out who I was. That was so weird and it takes time, and you've been with him since you were 16. So I can't imagine. And then you're like wait, I'm going to be with someone or eventually, or by yourself now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, by yourself. I'm like actually alone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like it was so weird, yeah.
Speaker 3:So, but I mean, like I love where I'm at, I love who I am. That's really cool.
Speaker 2:That makes me so happy. That's awesome.
Speaker 1:How have you and your ex-husband managed co-parenting? What has worked and what have you found to be difficult?
Speaker 3:We are 50-50. Communication is key. If you guys can communicate and understand that what you're doing is for your kids, because they're really the only ones who lose in this situation, like when you don't agree or when you fight or like whatever, they're the ones who lose and it's the hardest for them. So communication probably has been the hardest thing, I think. At first we tried to be friends really early and then that didn't work. It got sticky. It got real sticky Once we both started dating and there are clear rules set.
Speaker 3:We have talked about these things and people would, people, things would happen and rules wouldn't be followed or like I don't know, just little things. Being like okay, like did the kids eat lunch? Like did you know how much medicine do I give the kids or are you gonna take them to the doctor? Like all those things, trying to figure that stuff out. And then, like me, feeling so, like, not behind, but out of the picture, to be like get a call and say, oh, like so-and-so is sick, daniel's sick and be like, okay, well, did you do this, this and this? Cause? That's what I would do, and I know he does things way different. But you know, for a while we were very much like. We don't talk to each other, we do a handoff, we say goodbye to our kids we get in the car and you go like it was very much no point yeah, like and you know we're working on getting better because ultimately, you want, like, a good co-parenting relationship, because, again, the kids are the only ones who suffer.
Speaker 3:Like you can't both be in the same space during a soccer practice.
Speaker 2:Like and your kids are so young too. So it's good now that I think it's good now that you guys are both like on the same page of like let's. It's tough, but let's make this work, because the kids are young and you want to be able to go to the soccer game together and have a, you know, amicable, amicable relationship with your ex, because I mean, at the end of the day, like until your kids are, you know, essentially 18, you're stuck, but not even yeah.
Speaker 3:You're going to go to their wedding Exactly.
Speaker 1:They're going to have babies.
Speaker 3:You're going to go visit that new baby. Yeah, they're going to, you know.
Speaker 3:so it's like he will be in my life for the rest of my life, yes, or until he decides he doesn't want to be, and like that's his decision. But I mean especially for Daniel, like he's old enough to remember a time where, like mom and dad did live in the same house and mom and dad were married and loved each other and when we first separated he had a lot of like the where's Papa at, and I'm like he gone, sorry, baby. I'm like Papa doesn't want to live with mommy anymore. Like I give my kids very age appropriate answers because, again, like I'm not, I'm not, I'm not lying to anyone. Like you want to ask me, I'll tell you. And so he would. He handled that a little hard, you know, and he still does that sometimes. They've definitely gotten better.
Speaker 2:But has that been tough on you to like see him like sad about it.
Speaker 3:It's really hard because I'm like there's times where I'm like I don't even like your dad and I don't don't like, yeah you don't want to go to your dad's house. I don't want you to go either, so. But you know, when he says things like I want to stay with mom, I'm like, but it's dad's turn, like your dad loves you, and that's what's hard being like you're going to have so much fun at your dad's house because you want to be positive for them like you don't want them to.
Speaker 3:I will never be like I hate your dad, Like your dad sucks, Like I would never say that to them. And so that's been like a challenge. But again, like you have to put all that aside because it's about your kids and they are your kids forever.
Speaker 1:So yeah, and luckily, kids are smart enough that they figure it out on their own. They can read between the lines, they can see the involvement and the participation and they will come up with those conclusions.
Speaker 3:Just fine on their own. And I mean the day will come when my kids are old enough, they will know what happened and they will know that I did everything I could to keep our family together and the day will come, you said.
Speaker 3:I'm patient. I mean, yeah and again, I'm never going to be the mom who's angry and bitter, because I'm really not. Is it sad? Of course. Do I still get sad about it? Of course, divorce is so weird because it's like you're mourning a death, but like that person's not dead. You see them every day, but that person is not the same person and the relationship you had is obviously not the same. So it will be a day and they will figure it out and it's okay.
Speaker 3:And, you know, maybe they're totally okay with it. And I'm not here to make my kids hate their dad. I'm not here to make my kids like me more. I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad. Yeah, but then I don't have to, but I'll be nice and that's about it.
Speaker 2:We can be co-parents, I'm okay with that we can be friends.
Speaker 2:Yep, that's good. I like how you that whole situation too of you know. I feel like there's definitely some, either a woman or even you know men, who, like are very you know you get divorced and they're like I don't like your mom or this and that, and it's like at the end of the day, it's like you chose to be with that person and have a kid with them, like there's still always going to be love there, like, and there always should be, you know.
Speaker 3:Well and like, obviously, like I have a, I have a boyfriend who, like, I'm getting really serious with, and Carlos texted me the other day. And sorry, my ex-husband texted me the other day and he said, like do you think the kids like understand? And this is where I'm like glad that we're friends and we can kind of have these conversations, because I'm like, yeah, like I definitely think they get it.
Speaker 3:And he's like yeah, Daniel, like Carlos was showing them pictures of like our wedding or I don't even know, I can't remember and Emery's like Ooh, why are you kissing mommy? Like she doesn't get it, you know? Cause she's like she's never seen that I mean she was a baby. She's not going to remember that. Yeah, and you know she's like oh, mommy has a boyfriend now, so like they get it, they know, like Daniel's like yeah, you're not married to my dad anymore and I'm like yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you for the reminder, you're right.
Speaker 3:So yeah, they're very smart, they get it. I mean they've handled it so well and that's been super good, like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. That was like my biggest, like my poor kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like worry of how they're going to deal with it and handle it.
Speaker 3:Lucky they're young enough.
Speaker 2:They will remember. I think that's good too.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they'll just like always, especially Emery, like she's always just going to, she just knows she just knows, I go to mom and I go to dad and I'm happy to go wherever I go. Yeah, and as long as they're so adorable thanks, I think so too, but I mean, they're mine no, you're allowed to say.
Speaker 2:They're very adorable and cute. I think so yes, um, so obviously like going through the divorce we talked about. Now you're single, or well, you were. Yes, period, now you know, now you have a boyfriend. But, um, you know how do you feel like this journey kind of shaped you into the woman you are like now? Do you feel like you've changed a lot? Do you feel like you realize like, oh my gosh, I am. You know how?
Speaker 3:does that look now? Yeah, so I was raised LDS or Mormon, or Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, like they want to say the whole thing now. But when, I, you know, was in high school, I realized really fast, I was like I don't want to do this, I don't like the rules, I like my boyfriend who's not Mormon and you know it was Carlos and so I just kind of fell away from the church, especially when I went to college. I was like no, I don't really care, like I know where you are and I'll be there if I want to be. And I just again, no, like bitterness, like I just it wasn't for me. I liked to party. So you know my wedding I got married in my aunt's backyard, like I didn't marry a Mormon guy, all my family is Mormon but I, you know, just stepped away.
Speaker 3:And of course I raised my kids that way, like we didn't really go to church in the beginning. But once Daniel started getting older, I was like I should probably teach my kids something. I was like I don't know how to do that. The only way I know how is to take them to church the same way I was raised. And at the time again. No ill will, no ill feelings towards the church. I was just like this is what I know. I love their family ideas and that's what I know. So I started taking them and I talked to their dad and I was, like you want to take them to whatever church? Like, let's go, we'll do it both. I don't mind. I want my kids to be Raised in a faith.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I just don't want them to feel pressured Like mind. I want my kids to be raised in a faith. Yeah, I just don't want them to feel pressured Like. I want them to pick what they believe in, what they know, and I don't want it to just be like well, here's what I know, so you have to. Yeah. So I was like at the time really open to being like we'll do whatever we want. Um, since then I am like totally flipped my life.
Speaker 3:I am like a super active member of the church, I like love God, I love Jesus and I don't drink coffee anymore. I like don't drink anymore. But I know, like through my dating like I was not there yet, so I was still like dating guys who weren't Mormon and was still drinking and like I remember the night that I just like went out and partied way too hard and I woke up and I was like I don't like this, like I don't like the night that I just went out and partied way too hard and I woke up and I was like I don't like this. I don't like the way that I feel, I don't like the way that I act, I don't feel good. And I was just like I like Diet Coke way more than I like tequila. So I was like I can just drink a Diet Coke and I'll be fine. So that day I just stopped drinking and I don't drink anymore.
Speaker 3:And you know.
Speaker 2:so, just little by little, things went on and that changed you, Do you think, just do you think going through a divorce and like separating for him? Do you think that is what brought you back to that? Or do you think it was just your own life change? Do you think you would have gone back to LDS if you were still with your ex?
Speaker 3:No, because he would have never followed me, Like he would have never came with me, which is fine.
Speaker 1:I like never was like you have to do this obviously.
Speaker 3:But no, I don't think I would have searched for that, because I think in a time of like sadness and you know, like despair and like depression, and you feel so alone. It's like, well, the only person who I've taught, who knows what I'm going through, is like God.
Speaker 1:So I think that's what really pulled me to it.
Speaker 3:I love that, I know and it makes me happy, I see you.
Speaker 2:I just like she's glowing.
Speaker 3:I'm just so thankful for like that community that I got like so much support from and like, of course, I met my boyfriend on a more indeeding app. And so it's like it's so cool to have someone who like shares the same values as you and like wants to raise his kids the same and like he goes to church with me.
Speaker 3:I think my ex-husband went to church with me like twice, and so it's like I just like to not feel alone. I like I'm happy to not feel like I'm raising my kids by myself in the way that. I want to be like, have them raised and I don't know. But yeah, I love it.
Speaker 1:I love that for you. I'm so happy to be where I am.
Speaker 3:I love the church and it's just like she's glowing Things.
Speaker 2:It's been so good and I went back to school and that was really cool so because who knows if you would the fun money you know it was. And when you're in like a routine every day, it's like, oh, do I really want to go to like nursing school and like do that. But now that you have your own independence too, with like having the 50, 50 you know, and then you can like go do your stuff and yeah, it's a blessing you in disguise, I know. Yeah, exactly, I have a question with um. Obviously, going back to the LDS, did you feel any worry that of like maybe judgment because you got a divorce and that's like a big no-no, like in that you know it's so weird, because it wasn't divorce that made me feel like uncomfortable or less than it was.
Speaker 3:More like in my head. I was like, okay, like I have my nose pierced, like I'm not taking that out like I like. At the time I was like, okay, like I have my nose pierced, Like I'm not taking that out Like I like. At the time I was like half in, half out kind of thing, and it took me a while before I finally was like, okay, I'm going to be all in, but no, like I never felt judged by anyone. Um, I think church culture, like the LDS culture, has like a bad rep. Um, I think it's definitely changing. Like now Our, like our generation is way more like forgiving and accepting and loving and like, yeah, have a tattoo and have your nose pierced, it really doesn't matter. Like so no, I never felt weird. I think it was just more like personally, yeah, internally.
Speaker 3:Oh, I've done drink and party and I have kids, so that was something that really scared me.
Speaker 2:Obviously they do.
Speaker 1:You said well, got one.
Speaker 3:So no, it's been good.
Speaker 1:I love that. I do too. What is one thing you wish people understood better about divorce, especially when children are involved?
Speaker 3:People love to give their opinions and I love the opinions. But they would say they would say things like well, if it was me, if it was me, I would do this. I'm like you have no idea. Like yeah, you can put yourself in like someone's shoes and like try to imagine what it's like, but you like you don't know until you're there and I think you know I've seen people get divorced and I'm like, oh, I would never.
Speaker 3:I'm like if my husband did that, I would never go back to him and blah, blah, blah and I'm like I fought really hard for that marriage in the beginning. So I think I don't know and it's, it's not their fault. People just don't know. Like I don't know if you agree with that. People just don't know and that's okay. But I think I wish people were just more like.
Speaker 2:I feel like more kind it sounds like.
Speaker 3:Or more understanding, yeah, or like how are you feeling? But I had a really good support system my family, was really nice.
Speaker 2:My friends were really nice. Your family is so sweet. I love my family, literally.
Speaker 1:Your parents are amazing. I had like aunts and uncles.
Speaker 3:Yeah, my parents, siblings, friends, church friends, like I had a really good support system. So I think that's kind of what I wish people would know. Like, just ask, like how are you? And know that like they're not good, like they might say fine, or they might say I'm so good Like they're not. And you know, some days, even when you are good, like you might not be that good, some days it just hits you.
Speaker 1:But I would also add that people forget that they are not in the home with you, in that person. So on the outside, everything looks perfect, right. Oh, it's such a beautiful marriage and oh your family's so happy and oh, everything's going so well. You and oh your family's so happy and oh everything's going so well. You weren't behind the closed doors. You didn't hear the conversations that took place. You didn't feel the emotions and some of the weight that came behind the words.
Speaker 3:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:So I'm with you on.
Speaker 2:There's so many opinions, so many opinions. Keep your opinions to yourself, just support.
Speaker 3:Just be there to support but really go for it.
Speaker 1:And even with any emotions, people are like, oh, so for the first few days life sucks, you're on the ground and you can't get up. And then, after that, like, oh, she's crawling, and now she's walking, and now that's not how emotions work. That's not how emotions work. Okay, some days are going to be great and you are going to be great and you're going to wake up and go today's a great day and then, two weeks later, you open your eyes and you go. I can't.
Speaker 3:I can't get out of bed.
Speaker 1:I just can't do it because it's a wave of how emotions roll when you go through separation and divorce, and then holidays and learning how to do holidays without that person.
Speaker 2:I don't even like going to different holidays just with my family. Like me and John's family, I'm like this is annoying.
Speaker 1:But that's what the norm is. And now fast forward and you know that him and the kids are there and you're not, so there's so many emotions.
Speaker 2:You're at home crying in your bed. You said we're watching. We an ice cream tub and we're watching Gossip Girl.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, and you're like where's my fur dog? And you're like you're no help.
Speaker 3:You're not my children.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it's not easy. Divorce is not easy. Raising children is not easy.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 1:At all. So keep your opinions to yourself. I have a question for you were there any red flags from your dating, engagement or marriage?
Speaker 3:so, looking back, yes, just things that I excused, like a lot of things. So we broke up for a year when I was still in high school and he went to college because he was a grade above me, and when we got back together he was very much like I don't want my friends to know yet, like very secretive, like, and that was so weird for me because I was like, why? Like?
Speaker 1:everyone knows, yeah like your history, yeah like what's the problem?
Speaker 3:and you know, I think right then and there, if I was just like he doesn't like you.
Speaker 1:Like he doesn't like you, he might not like you, yeah.
Speaker 3:I mean how different my life would be then. But um, I I remember on my wedding day, just feeling like is this what it's supposed to feel like? Like, should I feel like this? Granted, I was 20 weeks pregnant, so it's like at the time I was like here, are these like emotions or like are these normal feelings? But I'm like, is this what this is supposed to feel like? And I can't even say that it like felt bad or felt good. I just like felt numb or like anxious, I don't know.
Speaker 2:I'm just like.
Speaker 3:I know I'm supposed to get married and I was like sobbing and you know my mom came up to me and she was like do I need to? Like I'll take you away right now. Like we'll drive away and I'm like mom it's not that I'm like I don't know and like again. Think of how different my life would be if I was just like it, just felt, and I don't know, maybe other people felt Did you feel like that on your wedding day? Not really.
Speaker 1:You're like wait. Maybe that was the first red flag.
Speaker 3:Is this how everyone feels? You just don't know. And so I went through my whole marriage thinking, well, no one's marriage is perfect. Maybe this is just it, maybe I'm just not. Like, not everyone is as happy as they look. You know the Instagram pictures, or it's probably like this in their marriage too. It's freaking. Not, it's freaking not they're actually happy.
Speaker 2:They can be happy.
Speaker 3:And so like just the partying, the going out with friends, like I get it, we were young.
Speaker 1:We got married really young.
Speaker 3:We got married when I was 20. And I excused it. I was like go out, go get some steam out, but I'm your wife and I'm at home with your kids and you should be home with me. I should be your friend and you should be coming home to me. Maybe, that's too much to ask. You said well shit.
Speaker 3:And I thought like maybe I'm asking too much, Like let him have his friend. Like I would always like talk myself down, but now I know like, yeah, you should you should be coming home and spending time with your wife. Like yeah, yeah, I get it, you just worked, come home.
Speaker 2:Yeah, come home and spend time with me, or there's like different times like okay, like wait till Saturday and like I you know, or like let's make it a plan together, like let's all go hang out let's all go.
Speaker 3:Yeah, not like yeah, it's not and so things like that, like and I mean, like I said, I don't want to get like too personal and like throw out all his trash, like there were things like I never told anyone because it's your husband Like, correct, you love them. You don't want to. Like you can forgive your husband, you can forgive your partner way easier than like your mom can, correct. So I wasn't going to go to my mom and be like hey, mom, I, you know, found this, this and this out and, like my mom hates my husband like well.
Speaker 1:And then the next day you're like oh no, we're good, we talked about it, it's fine.
Speaker 3:Your mom's like the fuck we're not like so back to the whole, like do you wish there were other things you could tell people?
Speaker 3:yeah, like talk to your freaking parents or talk to a friend and like listen to them yeah and you know, I had people tell me like I had one person specifically she knows she is look me in the face and be like do not date this guy. We were in college and she was telling me this I got so mad at her. I was like I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to like she's my family, and I was like I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to be your friend. It almost ruined our relationship. And it almost ruined our relationship and she was like well, you know what, if you love him, you love him. And so, yeah, people are going to tell you. You're not going to listen to them. But now dating. You know, I would come home from a date or I would have like someone who I was dating consistently and I'd be like hey, mom and dad, here's this, this and this. What do you guys think? Because I'm like I'm not messing rounds, but also like saying that stuff out loud.
Speaker 3:If you don't feel comfortable saying it out loud, it's probably wrong like they're probably doing something wrong and so very true. I wish I would have probably talked to my parents more, or talk to someone more, and, but again, who knows if I would listen?
Speaker 2:so, yeah, there were red flags and yeah but again we'll try when you're in it too, and it's like you just don't know you know, I feel like there are people, a lot of people, have that story. It's like they get out of something and it's like no people told me, but I just when you're in it.
Speaker 3:It's hard to like walk away or listen. Yeah, when you have kids too, I'm like well, and I was gonna say she was pregnant.
Speaker 1:like yeah, she was pregnant when she got married. I can relate to that because obviously I never made it to the altar. Oh, oh, yeah, we didn't know that.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1:We planned a $50,000 wedding. Sorry, Mom and Dad, Love you so much. We planned a $50,000 wedding and four months before the wedding we separated and we had two kids together at the time. So we had our first kiddo together and then we got engaged and we found out we were pregnant mid-engagement. Love it, queen. We kicked back because I had my dress picked out and I had my dress ordered and there was no way with the way the dates lined up.
Speaker 3:That you were fitting in that dress.
Speaker 1:There was no way we could alter that dress, I get it. Which and it's interesting because, again, like you said, looking back he was like, oh no, we'll just push the date. Like we'll just push it back, that probably should have been a flag oh my gosh that. But I do think also, he very much so wanted my dress to fit because he knew, like I planned this wedding to a T yeah $50,000,.
Speaker 3:That dress better fit you? Yeah, better be looking stunning, it was an absolutely stunning dress.
Speaker 1:I still, to this day, have it Me too, like in my. Okay, thank you, I have everything Okay. All I have is the dress Okay well, I packed up my life.
Speaker 1:We didn't make it to the altar so, but he, four months prior to our wedding, we separated and so it was just me and our two kids. Our youngest was five months old and our oldest was three, so I had a three and five year old, or three and five month old, when we separated so hard. It's been 13 years. We have a great relationship. He's a good guy. Good to hear. I love it. He said ooh, if we sat down and had this conversation 13 years ago, the conversation might be different. But healing is a journey. Yes, so no ill feelings towards him and I would never speak poorly about him because he is happy in his life. Now I am obviously married and have a bazillion and a half children with my now husband.
Speaker 1:But when you talk about those red flags now I'm like just going off on a random tangent. Talking about those red flags, I completely agree with you and I am so proud of you for now having those conversations round two, because those are the conversations that need to take place, because sometimes, like you said, when you have those love goggles on, you don't see things. And so it's good and relationships with friends are good and they are healthy to have and to have that community.
Speaker 2:So I agree, okay, next question Obviously, you were once a bride, yes, yes, and we know again soon. What would you say to a future bride today who's full of hope but also may be afraid of what the future holds?
Speaker 3:Okay, so this goes back to like my feeling on my wedding day, I was going to say this.
Speaker 3:So I really think I was supposed to be married, like I was supposed to have my kids. There was no other way. I mean, there was another way to get my kids, you know. But like that was my life, that was exactly the way it's supposed to go. And so, like I don't know, you guys told me, like you didn't have that feeling of like, oh, should I be doing this? Yeah, I'm like, just do it. I mean you're going to be okay, a huge like. Unless there's something that's like really big, maybe don't do it but like just unsettling feelings.
Speaker 3:I feel like listen to your gut like. If you think, yeah, listen to your gut maybe, but I mean I obviously ended up doing it I. So I don't know if that was like me listening to my gut or I was just like well, I'm here, like yeah, but I'm happy I did it.
Speaker 3:You know, if I could do it all over again, I would, if it meant I could have my kids like you know and you learn and you grow, and what's meant for you is what's going to come to you and like I don't know. And if you're like spiritual, then like God has a plan right and those things had to happen to get me where I am now. And if you're not spiritual, like you said, what goes around comes around.
Speaker 1:I don't know, like karma's a bitch karma's gonna get you so however, you want to check the stars, yeah, whatever, like astrology, whatever works for you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like insert here yeah, exactly but I think weddings are stressful anyways. Like you spend a lot of money and time yeah, and time and like it's stressful. I know like on the way to my bridals we were running late and like my ex-husband and I got in like this huge fight and I'm like we're about to go take our wedding pictures and like we're fighting, like yeah, but it happens, and then you know we took our wedding pictures and they were gorgeous and like everything was fine. So yeah, it happens.
Speaker 1:But I do think you have a point If you, if you have some underlying feelings and you are getting up to that wedding day. Wedding stress is normal. Planning a wedding is stressful. I think cold feet are normal too.
Speaker 3:Yep.
Speaker 1:There's a little bit of like oh my gosh, I'm making this lifelong commitment. But if there's, if you have that gut wrenching feeling, you need to have those conversations, those conversations have to be done. If that's with your partner, if you need to pull a third party in, because maybe there have been some flags leading up to it, pull a trusted person, your officiant, whoever that is. If you are trusting them to officiate your wedding, hey, can you just come in and sit with us? I know it's going to be so weird, but I need a second set of eyes on this conversation, because these are some things I'm feeling and maybe delaying the wedding try to get there before you walk down the aisle so let's do that a few months before.
Speaker 1:It's going to be awkward when I have brides have meltdowns at rehearsal, I'm like, are these happy tears, or should I bring my Nikes tomorrow and have the car started Because like we out?
Speaker 2:Yeah, he said, are we leaving?
Speaker 1:I will help you get out of this girl if this isn't a good situation. But I just I need to know the vibe here. What are we feeling? You're like I can't tell.
Speaker 3:I think if it's like I don't know, I'm like should just get married, just do it. I really do think that if Carlos I don't know if I want to say his name or not it doesn't really matter, right? No, but I really do think if Carlos wanted to work on our marriage, we could have. I really think we could have made things work if we had more communication, maybe counseling. I think you can make marriages work, yeah, whether that's like.
Speaker 2:But exactly, I think it's good that you both like you got to a point where you try to make it work and you're just like, okay, you can't be the only one like trying to make this work forever.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm like I'm not going to beg, yeah.
Speaker 2:You said, I ain't getting on my hands and knees. I can tell you that 16 year old Haley, again girl remember who you are, but like.
Speaker 3:I will never be doing that again. I'll never be begging for someone to love me ever again, because now I know like you don't have to and like people don't, do that. People don't beg their husband to love them, and that's so good to know.
Speaker 1:So I'm glad we figured that out. So, to wrap up, I would love to know what does the future hold and where are you now? Okay, so.
Speaker 3:I have a boyfriend. He also went through divorce. He has a son. We just had a really great weekend with all our kids together. Oh yeah, Did you go to Disney on Ice? Yes, we did. It was so fun. The kids loved it. They get along really well. They like each other. It's a long distance relationship and so what? The future holds. I have, we have no idea. Yeah, we have no idea, but um, we're just, you guys are so cute together.
Speaker 3:Thanks, we have like happy I'm like thank you, I love them so much. We have, like you know, every trip planned. We try to see each other once or twice a month, and you know so, we never leave each other without an idea of when we're to see each other once or twice a month, and you know so, we never leave each other without an idea of when we're going to see each other again. I love that. Long distance is hard, but like.
Speaker 2:I know, I don't know how you do that.
Speaker 3:Well, it's been really cool because, like, I still get like the time to be me. I get to go to the gym when I have my kids, I get to go to school, I get to have a job, I get to have two jobs and like you know, and so it's like I still have a lot of time for me and it makes everything that we do like that much more intentional and that much more special, and so it's like all about the work you put in, but I mean fingers crossed for this one, you know.
Speaker 2:But again, future, we have no idea because we just and I forget how long have you guys been together so far.
Speaker 3:So we started to like talk, be friends, whatever February of last year and then August he flew out last year. Yeah, he flew out to hang out with me in person for a couple days and when he left he was like I don't want to date anyone else. And I was like you need to. You need to date more people and I need need to date more people Cause, like you live far away.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're like, is this actually going to work? And that lasted like two weeks and I was like just kidding, you were right Like I don't want to date anyone else.
Speaker 1:These guys suck. You're like, you're really cool.
Speaker 3:And so, since it's almost been a, since we've been friends and I think I love that.
Speaker 2:That is how we kind of started, you know, just going through divorce at the same time having young kids and just being friends, like what are the odds, too, of you like both going through that and like I think it's great that, like you both have kids, like you know, like the dynamics of like having to, like co-parent and stuff which I think is like amazing, knows the feelings, like he gets the emotional journey like trying to explain that to someone while you're dating, like you're like so weird.
Speaker 3:So some days I'm really happy, and some days I still cry over my ex-husband, but it's not because I love him like it's a totally different situation.
Speaker 2:You're just like you don't get it.
Speaker 3:I am crying because my marriage ended, but like it's, it's weird so I'm fine, but I'm not. Yeah, yeah, I don't want him back, but I'm still crying and so it's, it's so great and he's amazing and, like I said, he's a member of the church, so it's so cool to like.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then you guys have that too in common.
Speaker 3:The same and he's so sweet do we think?
Speaker 2:do we think wedding bells?
Speaker 3:eventually we talk about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's definitely being talked about okay are you excited to like get married again after like going through a divorce or like how do you feel about like weddings and like getting married again?
Speaker 3:so this is I feel like I put in a little Q&A like what do we think about? Like do we just elope or do we have another?
Speaker 1:wedding for a second.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh, that was you because I feel so much pressure to just elope, because it's like I already did everything and like my wedding was really cool. There were fireworks, like literal fireworks.
Speaker 2:It was so cool.
Speaker 3:And like it was pretty cheap. You know, we Mormons do not spend a lot of money on weddings because they do it all themselves, so it's like the most expensive things were like the tables and chairs. I rented my dress and the DJ, so it's like everything else we did. So it's not really like a money thing, but it's like do we really want to invite everyone again to? Like hey, come watch my marriage.
Speaker 3:I hope I'm invited again but, with that being said, like since we're both LDS, like we're going to get married in the temple, so it's like a very different oh yeah, different scenario, because then you guys would just have the reception like after right so we're like, do we do something small and just like invite family, or like, do we like have like a big ceremony outside, so like all of our other friends can see, because I have friends that are not Mormon and so like they won't see me get married.
Speaker 3:So it's like Do you want the big wedding or do you want I don't want a big wedding.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:No. But then, like it's so hard for me to find the middle ground because I'm like I know what dress I want, Like you said I already know my built, I know what I want. But then it's like how much do I really want to do this again? You're not sending out a registry because you're not going to make everyone buy you two gifts again.
Speaker 1:A second toaster?
Speaker 2:I think, yeah, I say just I mean, we talked about this on our last episode I say just ask for money so you guys can go on a honeymoon, yeah, that honeymoon fun.
Speaker 3:So we're like if we eloped we could be like hey, we eloped. If you want to like support, here's our little keyword code Right, exactly, but I'm always like you know, let's go to like there's temples all around the world. I'm like let's go to like the temple in Hawaii and like just invite our parents get married and then have our. He's been married in the temple I obviously haven't and it's like a really sacred and special thing. So I'm like I want my family to be there. I have a huge family so it's like it's really hard.
Speaker 3:But I think do whatever you want to do, I think, just like baby showers for your second baby. Like people are always weird about it, every baby deserves to be celebrated. Every wedding deserves to be celebrated, every love deserves to be celebrated. So if you want to do story deserves to be, I know and so it's like, if I'm gonna get a dress, okay.
Speaker 2:I'm so done. I love that. It's like if.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna get a dress. I'm gonna get a flowers like may as well, just have a party oh, yeah, yeah, there will probably be a party when I don't know when I get that ring.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean we'll see, I see in, I see in your near future.
Speaker 3:I see it so.
Speaker 2:I really hope so. You guys are like literally like a match made in heaven, like everything, yeah he's like my best friend and it's so fun.
Speaker 1:I love it so healing, so healing, oh so yeah hopefully that's my future blended families. I know it's crazy. Welcome to the circus. That's the next podcast. See you in two years.
Speaker 2:How's the blended family going and how did the wedding go?
Speaker 1:we'll have you on after all that stuff happens I love you so much.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for coming on and just really sharing your story. I know it's been a lot for you, but I think you know the listeners are going to love and there's so many other people going through the same situation, so thank you so much for coming.
Speaker 1:Thanks for having me. So. Thank you so much for joining us on today's episode of the Wedding Hive podcast. Be sure to like and comment on today's episode. We would love to hear your feedback and we will see you next week. Bye guys, bye.