Episode 17: What Happens When You Lose Everything at Once?

Brandon shares his journey through his third divorce, which became the lowest point of his life as he simultaneously lost his job, home, and faced financial ruin while fighting for custody of his children.

Please start with Episode 1. Go to my site BrandonHeld.com

• Third marriage ended after 12 years together, 10 years married with two sons
• Ex-wife initially discussed amicable divorce but then hired attorney and prevented him seeing his children for three months
• Lost job when Raytheon discontinued contract with his employer DSI
• Declined offer to work directly for Raytheon out of loyalty to current employer
• Court ordered him to sell home, pay child support and spousal maintenance despite being unemployed
• Forced to sell home at a $500 loss (which later appreciated by $150K during COVID)
• Focused on physical fitness to maintain mental health during this difficult period
• Eventually moved in with a woman he barely knew due to financial necessity
• Attempted to help his adult son Ethan from previous marriage get his life on track

Promo for website

Promo at end of podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:35

Welcome back to Brandon Held Life is Crazy, episode 17. And so last time I left off with the beginning of the end of my third marriage, my now third divorce. And it was a tough one. It was going to obviously be the most difficult one for multiple reasons. We had been together for 12 years, married for 10 years. We had two sons together. She was the kind of person that I had learned that when she cuts you off, she cuts you off. Like she had cut off her sister, who she's very close with for a year because she didn't get a room that she was supposed to get in college. She cut off her mother because she I don't know if her mother was against us getting married or something. I don't exactly know what happened, but she had cut her off. When she gets mad at people, she just cuts them off and doesn't have anything to do with them. And I knew that's the road I was headed with her. And so I knew it was going to be a difficult divorce and it was going to be difficult to be a father with this woman because I knew she... didn't have the maturity to deal with that situation. And it just turned out to be absolutely true. Initially, after all the fighting and arguing died down, we discussed an amicable divorce and where I would get 50-50 custody and we would split. our things in the house and we would go our separate ways. And we were, she was saying how she felt like I needed to help financially provide for her on top of this because she didn't work. She didn't have a life or she didn't have a career. And I said, look, the money I make is enough to pay for me and the boys in my life. I don't have an income to take care of someone else. And so I guess somewhere along the way, probably through talking to people behind the scenes, she decided this divorce wasn't going to be amicable anymore. And she went and she hired an attorney. So then I had to hire an attorney and it just turned into this ugly, almost two year long divorce. She was living with me for a little while. We had a few month period there where I don't remember exactly how long, maybe two months. It wasn't like 100% absolutely we are getting a divorce. There was some indecision in there where we were together in the same house. Were we going to get divorced? Who knew? We were still maintaining some kind of relationship, but it obviously didn't Wasn't a good one. It's a very crappy place to be in limbo when you don't know what direction you're heading. But at some point we reached the direction of ugly and that's the way it went. So she decided to move out and take my kids. And she, when she took my kids, she took my kids back to her parents over an hour and a half away. At first, I didn't know where she was or where she went. And she would not let me see them. She just took them from me. So she was punishing me. And she wouldn't let me see or have the kids. And I didn't see my boys for over three months. And I was angry. I was super angry. Like, wanted to kill her angry. Not that I would, right? It's not an action I would take because they were... She was the mother of my two sons and I would never do anything like that to them because A, they lose a mother, B, they lose a father because then I end up in prison for the rest of my life. This is the part about where you learn from other people's mistakes, right? You watch the date lines, you read the news. Other people that couldn't control themselves in that situation and they lost it and they ruined lives. And while I thought my children's lives were already severely effective in a negative way based on what was happening, I certainly didn't want to ruin lives. But I was so angry, that's how I felt at the time when she took them away from me. And we would spend almost two years in the court system battling, dividing up the assets, dividing up the properties, all that stuff. That part was easy. That wasn't hard to do. That was material stuff. It was the fighting for, she wanted spousal maintenance and she wanted full custody of my sons. So that's where the fight took time and got ugly. And she a hundred percent said things about me that weren't true. Tried to paint a picture. of me and say things that I did that wasn't true. And I was severely hurt by that. I was offended and severely hurt by that because I thought at least after 12 years of being together and father of her two children, she would have some respect for me and some grace. But no, she was ruthless. She cut to the bone and accused me of Things that I absolutely did not do. And so that made it ugly. And so we had to go through this ugly divorce and ugly custody battle. And it was not a good time. It was a bad time. And while I was going through this ugly divorce and ugly custody battle, I was approached by DSI and I was notified that Raytheon had decided to discontinue their contract with them because they felt like the way they were building this supply chain tracking tool was not happening fast enough or well enough to Raytheon's satisfaction. So they had decided they were going to pull together their own internal team and do what we had spent the last three four years doing together and yeah it was like pouring gas on a fire so not only was I going through this ugly terrible divorce now I was also going to be laid off and be unemployed and so while I thought Other times in my life, for the lowest point in my life, I had now officially reached the lowest point in my life, right? I was now in my early 40s, divorced for three times, laid off again for a second time, and I just didn't really know what I was going to do. I didn't know how I was going to rebound. I... Applied for a job with Raytheon again during my last months with DSI. And I was offered a job with Raytheon, but it was a lower grade than I had before when I was a Raytheon employee. And it was a 20K pay cut from what I was currently making. And I felt like the job was beneath me. And I also had... The bosses at DSI asked me to stick it out with them and take the contract to the end, and it would be worth my while because Mark had already left, Blair had already taken a job with Raytheon, and I was the last man standing. I felt a sense of loyalty because loyalty is big for me. It's an important attribute that I think people should have for people that do right by them when the going gets tough and the chips are down and so I felt that for DSI and so I turned that job with Raytheon down and I stuck it out for those last few months with DSI and they gave me a nice severance patch it wasn't amazing they gave me They paid me all the way up to the end and they gave me, I don't know, I want to say$12,000 maybe-ish. I'm not sure. But anyway, I thought if I live life on the cheap, I can make this money last until I can get another job. I can swing it. I can get by. I just got a job offer from Raytheon that I turned down. I'll find another one. I'll rebound. Things will turn around. I was also forced to sell my home at that time and move. The judge told me that he wasn't going to give me 50-50 custody if I didn't live in the same area that my now ex was going to live in where they would go to school. Because how could he give me 50-50 custody if I didn't live in the same area without the ability to take them to school? So I had to sell my home. which this was a few years before COVID. And I was really distraught by this. A, I loved this home. B, my kids loved this home. And C, it was just a bad time to sell. By the time I sold it and paid out commissions, and I had owned this home for seven years at this point, making payments on this home, I had to write. a$500 check to sell this home. I had to lose money out of my pocket to sell this home after seven years. And fast forward to the future, the people that bought it from me for 200,000 turned around and sold it during COVID for over 350,000. So they made 150K off of my home That I was forced to sell because I was going through a divorce and my ex wanted to live in a different area. And if I wanted to have my kids, that's what I had to do. And so that's what I did. Again, trying to be a good man, doing the right thing. The same thing I was trying to do for Ethan when I moved to Dayton, Ohio to be with him. I did the same thing for my boys this time as well, but I was now going to be unemployed. And so I lost my job and I was unemployed and we were still going through the divorce. This was eight months after I had lost my job that the divorce was finalized and I was still unemployed. I had been laid off. And the judge decided I would get 50-50 custody, but I would still have to pay child support and I would still have to pay spousal maintenance. I was just blown away by this. And my attorney, who I paid thousands and thousands of dollars to, acted like he did a good job for me. And at the end of the day, what did he really do? He didn't do a good job for me because he It was my idea to have my kids interviewed by the court system because she was trying to say that I was a bad father, that I was abusive and all this other BS that wasn't true. And so I said, hey, have the court system interview my kids. My kids will tell you. They'll tell you that they love me just as much as they do their mother, that I'm better to them than their mother because their mother is the one that loses control and can't keep her cool with them when they push her too far. So I knew that would make a huge swing in my favor and that was my ideal. That wasn't my attorney's idea. I made that happen. So the judge said straight up that he makes his decision based off what they recommend and After the interview, I forget what they're called, but that position recommends after the interview, that's what he does. It's not my decision at that point. I do what they say. And I said, absolutely, 100%. That's what I'm hoping for. Of course, they interviewed my kids. Yeah, we love our dad. Our dad's great. He's good to us. We want to spend just as much time with him as we do our mom. And that's why that ended up that way. But He couldn't get me from not paying spousal maintenance. He couldn't get me from not paying child support. I had to split all the assets. I had to write the$500 check. I had to take all the debt that was acquired during our marriage from credit cards. I had to take on all that. It all belonged to me. And then my attorney acted like he wanted to do something, that he did something for me. It was crazy to me. I couldn't believe it. So talk about a guy who was clueless and out of his mind. And so that's where I was. I was unemployed, divorced, and now insanely in debt between the credit card debt that was now all mine and all on me and now spousal maintenance and child support that I had to pay. And I'm unemployed. I really just... felt lost at the time. So I did what I could do, what I could control, right? So I was married. I had gotten a little overweight from working every day and fighting with a wife that didn't want to let me go to the gym. I'm not sure what she had against me working out or being in shape, but she just didn't want it to happen. So I had let myself go a little bit and then I decided I'm going to get back in shape. And I'm at least going to feel good about myself physically while I go through this difficult time. And so I do that. I go to the gym. I drop weight. I start lifting. I get in really good shape. And then, of course, I am now someone who's divorced three times. And now I have three sons that I don't get to see every day. So I'm not in a hurry to be in... a serious relationship and be someone that wants to get married again. As a matter of fact, I thought I would never get married again. That was my position at that time. I'm never getting married again. So I just turned into a total man whore. I moved to an apartment complex. It was a nice enough one, but not one that was so expensive that it was going to suck me dry. And it was A lot of single people, single men, single women. And I was on online dating apps and I was meeting people organically at the gym, stuff like that. And I was just a straight up man whore. I was just hooking up with all kinds of women all the time. I even had my fourth threesome in this time of life. I didn't tell you about my third, but that's out of respect for the person that the third threesome occurred with. I had my fourth one during this time and I was just out of control. And eventually that comes up where you start feeling like, uh, it's not what I like. It's not who I am. I love, I believe in love. I think Love is one of the greatest things that can happen to you in life, if not the greatest, if you are loved by the right person and you love the right person and what you can conquer together with love, right? Love for your children, love for your mom, your grandparents, your siblings, and your significant other. I believe in love. I always have. And so when you're someone like that, And you're not ready for that because you're not ready for the pain that comes with that when it doesn't work because let's face it, at this point in my life, it hasn't worked. So you just go the opposite direction and you try to turn your emotions off and you become a robot and you just go through the motions with people, right? I still was charming enough And was in good shape to meet people and have connections and hook up. But for me, it wasn't going to go any farther. That's where it stopped. That's where it ended. And I heard some people along the way. Hell, I met some people along the way that wanted to hook up with me that I wouldn't hook up with because I'm picky. And I also didn't want to ruin friendships. Because... I knew that the feelings for me were deeper than a hookup and I just didn't want to get involved with that because I didn't want to hurt people that I liked or cared about. And I knew it wouldn't be anything more than a hookup to me. So I was going through this time, unemployed, struggling with my emotions and just being a good man. In general, I was trying to find myself again, trying to dig myself out of a hole again in my early 40s. And it's a tough place to be. It was a tough place to find myself. So one of the things I tried to do, it was I tried to become a teacher and I tried to teach at a high school. And like that lasted about, I don't know, three, four months because I It just wasn't for me. I liked the kids, but the pay was less than half of what I was used to getting paid in my previous jobs. The administration at the high school was terrible. The leadership was just terrible. And it just wasn't something that I could put up with or wanted to deal with. I was running out of money. My nest egg, if you will, was coming to an end. And I didn't have any jobs on the horizon. And I had recently met a woman on the app who was single. And we started talking and I proposed that we started dating and we did. And then I explained my situation to her and she offered to let me move in with her. And we had known each other like a month. And I just felt like I had no other choice because I was literally going to be homeless. That's the position I was going to be in. So I took her up on that offer and I decided to move in with someone that I really didn't even know that well. She seemed to be nice. She seemed to be cool. Who knows what you really. going to get, right? And she was a native Mexican who was living here in Tucson and she was a Latina and if Mexicans and Latinas, what I was getting into, but guess who didn't know what he was getting into? Me. I had no idea what I was stepping into. So I thought I was stepping into a dating relationship with someone I guess it would be more significant than that since we were going to live together, but someone who was just a kind, caring person because that's all I had seen to that point. But man, did it not turn out that way at all? She was incredibly jaded and broken from some of her past relationships and the things that She had gone through in life and I just found myself in a situation where I was with someone who was insecure and jealous and broken. And I was still trying to find my way. I was still trying to regain my sense of being a man with my employment and being on my own two feet. And now I was stuck with this person and I was stuck. because I had no income, no way to take care of myself. And now I was trying to be a square peg and try to fit into a round hole. And I was trying to make that work. And it just ended up being a tough time. There were some real ups and downs in that relationship, but it didn't go that way for a little while. Obviously, I moved in in the beginning. Everything was smooth. Everything was good. And my kids were coming and they were spending their week at a time with me, their 50-50 time with me. And I was taking them to school and picking them up. It was obviously easy. I didn't have a job. And everything was going okay in the beginning. And my older son, Ethan, who was now an adult at this point, he had already graduated high school. He had spent some time at college and then he dropped out of college because he I just wasn't working for him for whatever reason. And he felt he didn't want to be in college and he was struggling to find his way in life. So I had offered for Ethan to move out to Arizona with me and her after having a discussion with her because she had a room available. And I really was figuring like, even though I'm unemployed and not, I'm not on my feet so much, I could have help ethan he could come out here to arizona and i could help him get his life going i can invest my time in him and my energy in him and my knowledge in him and try to help him get his life on track but ethan had other ideas and he's a little stubborn like his mom and it just didn't go that way and It just went a completely different route. And I guess I will get into some of the details of that on the next episode. And I'm going to end this episode for now. And thanks for joining. And I'll talk to you next time.