Stuck in the Waiting. Finding Growth, Faith, and Identity During Separation

Privacy Note:
Due to the sensitivity of the immigration process, some personal details are intentionally kept private in this conversation, including specific names and circumstances. This was a thoughtful choice made to honor both legal boundaries and personal dignity.

Episode Summary:
In this episode of Hidden Chapters, I sit down with Rasmus, whose life took an unexpected turn after a decision made years earlier resurfaced during the immigration process. Newly married and now separated from his wife due to circumstances beyond his control, Rasmus shares what it looks like to grow, heal, and stay grounded while living in the waiting.

We talk about identity, values, faith, emotional tools, and the importance of not standing still when life feels paused. Rasmus opens up about examining his beliefs, letting go of what he cannot control, and choosing intentional growth even in isolation and uncertainty.

This conversation is an honest look at resilience, self-awareness, and how seasons of waiting can quietly shape who we become, while respecting the parts of his story that remain sensitive.

What we talked about in this episode: 

 • How a past decision resurfaced years later and changed the course of his life
 • Navigating marriage while being physically separated
 • Examining personal values and learning to live in alignment with them
 • Tools for growth. Journaling, gratitude, prayer, box breathing, and thought      reframing

The Hidden Chapter Moment :

The hidden chapter in Rasmus’s story is not the separation itself. It is what happened internally while everything externally was on hold.

Instead of numbing, avoiding, or staying stuck, he chose to look inward. He examined his values, questioned his reactions, leaned into faith, and committed to growth. This season did not define him by what he lost, but by who he was becoming.

🔗  Resources and Mentions :

 • Military Spouse Advocacy Network: https://www.militaryspouseadvocacynetwork.org/
• Foreign Born Military Spouse Network : FMSN LinkTree
• Military Spouse Leadership Development Program:

Transcript

Genevieve 0:00

Welcome to Hidden Chapters. I'm your host, Genevieve. And this is a space where we slow down and honor the stories we don't always see. Today, I'm talking with Rasmus, whose life took an unexpected turn shortly after getting married, when an immigration process created an extended season of separation from his wife. What was meant to be the beginning of a shared life suddenly became a season of waiting. Waiting without clear timelines, waiting without answers, and learning how to keep showing up when life felt put on pause. Some details of Rasmus's story are intentionally kept private due to the sensitivity of the immigration process. But the heart of what he's walking through and what he's learning along the way are fully here. In this conversation, Rasmus shares what it looked like to face identity, faith, and personal growth while living in that in-between space. Not by trying to control the outcome, but by paying attention to what was happening internally while nothing externally was changing. This is Rasmus's Hidden Chapter. So I was grateful to my former guest Alex for recommending Rasmus to my podcast. So I'm really excited to have Rasmus here with me. Thank you for being on Hidden Chapters.

Rasmus 1:23

Well, thank you for having me on. It's a pleasure. I'm very grateful for having this opportunity.

Genevieve 1:30

Thank you. Well, I'd like to ask, um, I know there's a lot going on that I can't wait to help talk about, but um, what made you feel like this was the right time and the space to share your story?

Rasmus 1:45

So I'm currently going through a challenging period of my life, and um I've learned a lot going through that. It's uh it's a continuous focus on growing as a person, and and I as you said, I I spoke with Alex uh through some connections, um through a good great communities that I've been taking part of. And she mentioned this podcast, and I was like, well, this might be a calling. Maybe I should share what's going on and what I've learned. And we all go through these difficult periods of life, and we deal with it differently. Um, so I thought I would share how I'm doing it really, and hopefully that'll inspire someone out there.

Genevieve 2:38

Yeah, I do appreciate that, and especially getting it from a different perspective. I hope that that'll resonate well with uh both men and women, because this is a universal topic that we are going to talk about. So absolutely. So can I go back to the beginning, not beginning, but kind of go back a little bit in history? You said you mentioned that back in 2013 something specific had happened that ended up changing the course of your life years later. So can you take us back to that season and share what you'd learned from that experience?

Rasmus 3:13

Yes. So it was in Denmark, so I'm a Danish citizen and I've lived in Denmark pretty much all my life, uh, but we'll get into that later. But um back in uh 2013, um uh a little incident happened in my life and due to uh poor choice, and um at the time it wasn't a big deal. Um I never really thought of it as a big deal. Later in life, though, I I met my American wife and I wanted to start uh a life with her, and um we got married, and so I needed to go through the immigration process, and um that's where this thing that happened a decade ago uh kind of got into the picture again, and so I had to go through or have to go through a waiver of grounds of inadmissibility, meaning I'm I'm kind of stuck outside of the US until that has been resolved. Um and I never really up until that point, I think didn't even think that it was a problem. Um but here I am waiting. It's all right, yeah.

Genevieve 4:33

Yeah, I think it's uh it's funny how you know I've I've got two teens, and you know, when we were teens, of course, same kind of thing. It's like, well, no big deal doing these things that we're doing that we don't necessarily think they're gonna affect future us. And I tell my girls all the time, I go, be careful what you do do, because it will come back to you, unfortunately. And we all have, I mean, we're all gonna sin. We're not perfect, of course, but yeah, it's now telling them kind of these things going, Yeah, the choices that you make, please be careful because they will they will affect you in a a shape or form in the future. So yeah, there's some things that both my husband and I have stories we can share, but when to share those with the girls. But I get it, yeah. It's just some of the things that we go through when we're you know, early teens, early twenties, and we go, no big deal.

Rasmus 5:33

Yeah, well and when you're like you know, teens and you know, you wanna the ones you wanna uh impress are your peers, and uh and you know that's kind of like uh if there's one layer, you gotta top it off with another layer, you know, and it's like if things get crazy and crazier.

Genevieve 5:56

So you had lived and worked in uh a US military installation in Greenland as a morale, welfare, and recreation supervisor. So that's where you had met your wife, and then she was stationed in England, and you would go back and forth. So how have those different cultures and experiences shaped the way that you see people and purpose and resilience?

Rasmus 6:16

To start with, I want to say like um the big part of you know moving around like that is when I started working in Greenland, it was a huge step out of my comfort zone. And um, you know, and the next thing leads to another, you know, I wasn't planning on meeting uh a US uh uh officer and um and actually getting married. Uh so all of a sudden this um fear of traveling away from home and not really having a place that's 100% mine was a big thing and a huge step out of my comfort zone, like I said. And I think that was a that's been a huge learning experience for me. But what I can say is like people are very similar, and people want the best in others, really. Uh that's what I believe, and that's what I see. I you know, people in Greenland are fantastic people, and the same goes for Danes, uh, and and and uh people in England, you know. And you know, there's also been obviously uh all the Americans that I've spoken with. Uh it's uh we all want the same in life, I feel like. We all want to have a good life, and um and we want to take care of each other. We do see people that you know maybe uh struggling really. And um that might be why they can't, you know, project that out to others, and you know, we gotta try to bless them.

Genevieve 8:09

So this working in Greenland, was that one of the first times that you had been away from home from Denmark? Or had you traveled before in other places and lived in other places?

Rasmus 8:20

Well, so I have traveled not a whole lot. I have never really been a big traveler that were was gonna change. Um, but I never lived anywhere outside of Denmark uh prior to that. So that's I think it's a very different environment to come up to um a place where there's only a military installation, that's one thing. And there's you know, on in in the summer there's 24-hour uh daylight, and in the winter it's 24-hour darkness. Uh, that's another thing, and then there's the whole thing of I don't know anybody up here. Um and is my English good enough? And you know, there's so many layers to it. Uh so yeah, it was the first time I really moved away. Um, and the internet connection was very poor. And we, you know, we are very much like uh we have our phones on us all the time now, and we can always get in get in contact with people. But the internet connection out there, it was very poor. Uh and it was uh very isolating, very isolating, yes. And I I must admit, you know, I cried, I cried, I was having a hard time. Um because I yeah, uh it's I didn't know I guess I didn't really believe in myself, maybe.

Genevieve 9:44

I mean, well, that's relatable, you know, when you go from something that you've always known to a completely unknown, and then you've got culture shifts and adjustments, environment, yeah. Military life. Well, I know you didn't start out being military, but military life has a way of doing that to you sometimes, and yeah, adjusting and finding the strengths that you didn't know you had, because you have to tap into those. That's interesting.

Rasmus 10:09

Right.

Genevieve 10:11

So you married your wife in December 2022, 2020 22, December 2022, and since 2023 you've been separated from her. So I can imagine, well, I can I can know that that's definitely um a difficult time to be separated, especially brand new marriage. And you mentioned it was a downward spiral. So how did you begin to process that reality and what has helped you kind of keep your footing?

Rasmus 10:45

The first period when all this happened was obviously like you you don't know what to do about it because you you hadn't you didn't expect it, first of all. First of all, you had these plans and this vision that what was gonna happen was that we were gonna go to this new location together and start a life really uh together. Um, and so what happened was that I just didn't really take care of myself. I took it as, well, now it's time for me to just relax, get home to Denmark before I really start traveling and get in, you know, around the world with my wife and it had all these great experiences because I really relied on her because she was very good at traveling. Um, and so I guess my fear of travel didn't um wasn't that big. It was still there, but it it was nice to have someone that had a lot of experience with it anyway. Um I was just going through this the first year of being home. Like I went to the bar, you know, didn't take care of myself physically, uh intellectually, I didn't really learn new things. I, you know, I just kind of stalled in my life and I didn't recognize it. My emotions got worse and worse and worse, and I learned that later I learned that it there were some things that I needed to change. I've since come to accept how things are because I cannot change it. And and just being accountable uh with what is going on and what had have happened, you know. It's uh I can use this now uh to be here, for example, but I'm also using this experience as you know, talking with other people like this. Um this is you know basically what my story is gonna be about. It's yeah, what are you gonna do, right? And you know, going down this spiral is not the way to go. I uh yeah, but I later learned, you know, I I looked at myself and I was learning, I began to learn because it's like when something is wrong and you're not feeling right, eventually you will feel that, like actually recognize that, and then it hits you. What am I gonna do about this? And you usually don't have a clue of what you're gonna do. Um, so you gotta figure that out as well.

Genevieve 13:19

Yeah.

Rasmus 13:19

Um, and so I I slowly did. I can't remember exactly where I started, but I can say that eventually I started looking at my beliefs and my values, and I was thinking, like, well, what do I actually believe in? And what do I value in life? And what do I value in other people, and what are my own internal values, and am I actually living up to those values? And if I'm not, then maybe that's where life is um having its difficulties, because if you have these internal values and beliefs and you don't really practice it, you start to feel worse and worse and worse. And so I believe that we have, you know, in our life we react and we we act and we react to things all the time. And you know, I do it too. I've just spent some time looking at these, like what do I value and what do I believe in. And now when I'm walking around doing things, these automatically just pop up into my head. So I think more about it now. And I didn't think about it before, right?

Genevieve 14:41

Yeah.

Rasmus 14:42

Um, so I catch myself all the time now. Well, oh, I should probably have done something different, because that's ultimately what it is. It's the way that we either you changed your behavior or you changed your values, um, because we behave in certain ways, and um, and sometimes that doesn't live up to the value, so you gotta you just have to question that. What what do you believe in? What are your values? And I've just seen that. It's uh like for as an example, uh here in Denmark, they have um they have like homeless people that are selling newspapers, so it's a special kind of newspaper. And uh normally I would just walk past them. And since and really not about you know, I wasn't even thinking about it. Um now it's like, well, do I really value that? Do I believe that that is the right thing to do? And so when I do it now, I you know it does still happen, but I can feel it. You know, it's that feeling. One when you when you start diving into this, you will start to feel those things when you know you did something wrong. And maybe before I had my eyes closed.

Genevieve 16:03

Yeah.

Rasmus 16:03

Now I'm seeing the world in a different way.

Genevieve 16:05

Uh it's great to hear you say that too, because you're becoming self-aware. So in this time that you are separated from your wife, you are learning so much from this season. And you really are starting to assess, well, what can I change? And what what can I do about that? So I yeah, that's commendable because there's things when you know you need to change something, then you can take the action. So in talking about your growth and reflecting time, I love that you said one of the biggest lessons you realized was how important it is not to stay still. And so what does that look like for you when you do feel stuck or uncertain?

Rasmus 16:44

It's like water, right? If it's just if you if there's no movement in water, it's gonna it's gonna go bad. Uh yeah, gotta move. Stagnant. Yeah, and um, it's what we can do physically that feels good, right? It's what we can do to grow in our minds, and it's what we do to if with our hearts, it's uh the emotions, how can we feel good in our life? Um I just really started thinking about these things and try to make an action plan on well, what do I need to do physically? Well, one thing I started was I quit drinking. I thought, well, you know, I went to the bar, yeah, I knew it was a problem in in the sense of it didn't bring me anything good. Uh so so I I was like, well, maybe that's a good place to start, really. Um and so I I quit that and it it just, you know, I feel amazing about it. Intellectually, you know, I I was um just try to learn something new that interests me.

Genevieve 17:55

Well, I think also focusing on something else, um, being able to help others, uh, all of those things definitely help with um growing and not not being stagnant.

Rasmus 18:08

Yeah, yeah.

Genevieve 18:09

I do like that. And you talked about how living outside of your values can create resentment or even depression. So, how do you keep yourself aware when those things start drifting from them?

Rasmus 18:23

It's um is again a lot to do with you have to remind yourself of these things. And one of the ways you can actually start to look at well, what do I believe in value is you gotta probably write it down. Uh, that could be a good way. You have to just think about it. I you know, it's for me, it just automatically comes around when I start thinking about it on a day-to-day basis. It can be through prayers, through journaling. Um, you know, it then it just automatically pops up as a feeling, really. It's a feeling, you know, right there in the middle of the chest or stomach, or wherever you feel something. Then question why do I feel like this? Because there's always something on lying underneath, whether that's oh, I should have done something different, or or even you know, this made me feel hurt. Um, so how am I gonna respond to that? And then you know the values also come into play here because if I feel hurt, do I wanna respond in a way that that hurts the other person? Do I really value that? You know, I don't. You know, I I I want to be a good person. So what and what is it? What is a good person? To me, it's we all want to have fundamentally I think we all have good values, right? But we just don't practice it. And then we can put, you know, we can bury it and and and behave in d in a different way. And we just close our eyes to it. It's being aware, I think. Just being aware.

Genevieve 20:05

And I just read from one of my journals that um I'm working through is your will's gotta be stronger than your emotions.

Rasmus 20:13

Right. Oh yeah.

Genevieve 20:14

Yeah. Your will's really gotta take that over, the emotions that you're feeling.

Rasmus 20:20

Never act out of your emotions. Try at least. You know, it's we are all human and we do fail. We are it's a you know, it's such a normal thing to say that we're not perfect. No, no human is perfect. And I think it's just almost as if it's uh we we just say it's we use it too much in a way, you know. Uh-huh. Because what it's um it's true, but uh, but let's dig a little deeper. What does that mean, even? You know, what is it what we're not perfect? No, it's that's true, that's true, but we want to be perfect.

Genevieve 20:56

Um and so can't use it as a crutch and say, Well, I'm not perfect, so I'm gonna do do these things anyway.

Rasmus 21:03

No, then I'm just gonna go sin, you know. It's not a but it is a reason, right? It is a reason. So and it I think it's interesting, yeah.

Genevieve 21:13

Well uh the serenity prayer you had mentioned is your anchor, and I do love that prayer. It's that uh help me change the things I can, uh, the serenity and peace to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. So what part of that prayer for you has carried the most meaning in your life right now and in this season that you're going through this separation?

Rasmus 21:36

I think honestly, I think all of them are just so powerful. The whole uh where this um help me to change the things I can, you know, give me the oh sorry, let me just redo that. Um give me the strength to change the things I can. The Serenityan piece to accept the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I think it all has it's all interconnected, of course. Um, but how I use it at so I pray for it because I know there's things that I can change, and what I do is like I I can say, God, if there are any things I need to change, please help me see that. Tell me what it is and give me the strength and courage to change those things. And if there are things that I ruminate on or just things that I somehow think is in my control, but they really aren't give me the serenity and peace to accept those things that are out of my control. And please, Father, give me the wisdom to know what I can change and what I cannot change. I just going through a process like this, you we have to find that acceptance of things we cannot change, we cannot control other people. Well, we can, but it's like again, I don't want to control anyone because it that's not gonna it's it's not gonna give me any any peace, uh, and it surely isn't gonna help develop my relationships with anyone. So I can't control how people feel anyway, right? I cannot control that. I cannot control how processes are made uh in in an organization. Uh at least you know I can maybe influence it. Um there's just those things. Um I know the only thing that I can truly control and change is myself. And this prayer just helps me to ground myself in a way to we walk around being anxious about things that are out of our control, and I'm I'm so guilty of that. I spend yeah, spending too much time on that, and it's and we are that's another thing. We hear it all the time. Don't you know, don't waste energy on things you can't control or don't think too much about it. It's just easier said than done. It's easier said than done because what do you do? What are you gonna do about that, right? Right. It's like, well, I'm still anxious, so thank you.

Genevieve 24:08

Right. Not really helpful, thank you. Yeah.

Rasmus 24:11

No, so yeah, it's just um I learned this through a very wise man, and I'm like, wow, this just hit me right in the chest because I'd never heard it before. Uh, and uh I was, you know, it it was a very difficult time, and and I, you know, I was ruminating on a lot of things.

Genevieve 24:31

Yeah.

Rasmus 24:32

And so it's like, oh yeah, that's what it is. It is that I can change some things, and the only thing that I can really change is myself and everything around I cannot change. And that wisdom to know what is it that I can change and what is it that I can't change. Oh man, it's strong stuff, I feel like it it has been for me, right?

Genevieve 24:54

And then just trust God with the rest, right? Right, let him have it and just keep keep moving forward, but he's gonna have to guide our steps in the rest of the way. Absolutely.

Rasmus 25:06

Yeah, praying that whatever is uh whatever it's meant to be is meant to be, and um and trust in his timing.

Genevieve 25:14

Absolutely, love that. Well, I am interested to hear about some of the ways that you are processing this because I know I'm a I'm a fellow journaler. I love to write things down. My husband, he does outlets in different ways and things. So you've talked about some of the few mental and emotional tools that you've been using as well to kind of get you through this time. So you've journaled, you've done uh gratitude journals, you've box breathed, uh naming the lie, speaking the truth. And these are all great. I've I've used most of these myself. So which one of those practices have you found that are made the most difference? But also what are maybe ones that are a little harder to stick with?

Rasmus 25:57

Yeah, I think I so they all have their own unique uh place, really. Um journaling is you know, that's just great. It's just great, and there's uh scientific uh proof of you know having a gratitude journal is it's good for you. Uh yeah. And just also journal journaling, like you can you process your own thoughts and you put it down and we kind of like put it away afterwards, and and it's also interesting sometimes to to look where where were I back then and where am I now?

Genevieve 26:32

Um I love dating mine because then I can look at them a couple years later and go, wow, oh that prayer was answered, or oh, I still feel that way. So yeah, no, I love that. Yeah, it's like a history book for you.

Rasmus 26:42

Yeah. So I think you know, as on a day-to-day thing, I think journaling is is you know really great. Box breathing, you know, when you are anxious, we all get anxious. Do some box breathing. And what the way I learned it was four, you know, four seconds in, four seconds hold, four seconds out, and then I guess four seconds hold, so just that four second cycle. Um I'm I'm using that uh daily, I would say, and also gratitude prayer, like just prayer. And I I pray in the morning when I wake up the first thing. And right now, when I drive to work, I don't listen to the radio. I I literally pray all the way to work.

Genevieve 27:28

And my husband does the same, that's interesting.

Rasmus 27:30

Yeah, and I and I pray going back home too, and then I pray uh when I go back to bed. Uh so that's what I do, and it's a fairly new thing for me. Yeah, but that's that's good. It it helps me to stay in line and and also uh to relieve some anxiousness. So the name will I say the truth, or whatever you want to call it, is um that can be difficult because you gotta be in that right mindset to also recognize that oh, I'm having it, I'm I'm having a wrong thought here.

Genevieve 28:07

Yeah, yeah.

Rasmus 28:08

Um but I've done I've also done a lot. I called I personally called it A and B thoughts. So what I would do is like, oh, now I feel again, have this feeling, and so I'm just gonna write it down. And I had this spreadsheet on my phone, and so the A thought was, Well, this is how I'm thinking, basically. I feel this and I'm thinking this thought, and then some time later, or just right away, I would just flip the script on that thought and just be like, Well, how can I make this a good thought? Or how can I make this a thought that um that contradicts what this original thought is? Um, and that helped me a lot, and also to see, well, okay, now I'm I'm not thinking the way I used to now anymore. Yeah. Uh so I think I think that was uh that's been really good. And and also I this thing, if you imagine a map, if you lay out a map right, and you put yourself, well, you you drop a pin on the map, and this is where I'm going. So I'm going to this city or town or whatever. Um, and in order to get there, I need to know where am I right now in life, where on this map am I? Uh because you don't know how to get to this city if you have no idea where you are in the world. And and so you gotta figure out where you are before you can. It's okay to figure out or to find a pl where it's okay to know where you want to go, but you need to know where you are, and you don't go to this new city in one straight go because the drive is might be multiple days long or months. Maybe you have to take a ferry or a flight, maybe you don't have a GPS like we do today. Maybe you'll have a breakdown in your car. And this is obviously uh a way of me uh saying the person that you want to be or want to become, rather. Yeah, you can't be become that person in just one go, and there will be challenges along the way, and there will be breakdowns, and you might have to do something that's very difficult.

Genevieve 30:24

Yeah.

Rasmus 30:25

And maybe you take the wrong turn at times, but still keep searching for that place where you are going so you can adjust.

Genevieve 30:32

I think that's a good um metaphor too, because I think like with uh the new year coming, you know, at the time we're recording this, holidays are getting ready to get here, people the new year have all these resolutions and they make these resolutions, but then they somehow, and I'm guilty of it too, they don't keep them. But until you can look at and go, well, this is what I plan to be, but it's not gonna be a straight line from here to there. I'm gonna have setbacks, I'm gonna have good times, I'm gonna have bad times. Right. I'm gonna cheat on that diet, I'm not gonna work out for a whole week, you know, things like that. But that's a good way to look at and go, yes, I might have those, but ultimately this is the path that I want to take and really stick to that. That's a good way to look at it.

Rasmus 31:13

Yeah, and uh and on that note, I also to get to the point where I know knew where I was going or wanted to go, I meditated a lot on that to figure out and the meditation I did was uh kind of like seeing myself who am I and how am I feeling and and who am I with and and all this kind of like um a meditation that focuses on uh manifesting uh who you want to be, right?

Genevieve 31:39

Yeah.

Rasmus 31:39

And I did a lot of that for a long time, and I actually got a tattoo that kind of represented what what this uh this transformation also was and internally, and it it's it's representing that thoughts lead to choices that leads to behaviors, that leads to experiences, and that eventually leads to what type of emotions you have. So if you don't if you feel bad, it's also well, it's easy to say, well, yeah, it's the thoughts. Well, I think differently. Well, it all it's also it has to do with what choices you make and the behaviors that you then also express, right? Um, so yeah, I did a lot of that to see, well, who do I actually want to become? And I, you know, I'm not perfect. Back to that one, right?

Genevieve 32:26

I'm uh so true.

Rasmus 32:29

I'm so I mean, I'm still, you know, working every day. Like there's not ever gonna be a day when you when you stop.

Genevieve 32:36

No, I love that though. That's true. So talking about uh the connection with you and your spouse during this time, you all are a fairly new married couple, so the separation has had its strain on your relationship. And you mentioned that you have been diving into some different relationship models as well. So you've worked with the four pillars of growth, you talked about the John Gottman's The Four Horsemen and a few others. So to strengthen your relationship with your wife, what have maybe been some lessons that you've been able to implement to keep that connection well with your wife during this time?

Rasmus 33:20

Well, I think it's um let me just say that it's to me, you know, learning about relationships should be a part of school, you know. Because honestly, it's like our life is built on relationships, and that's not only uh a loving relationship, it's also you know a business relationship or friends or any relationship, right? Right. Um, but what I I try to to learn a lot uh what constitutes uh a loving relationship, but again, it's uh it's uh it's it it doesn't matter if it's just any relationship, really. What I did was I I found some resources and I started diving into it. And I want to say that uh a lot of the stuff that I learned uh looking at this um also was a very big part of my own growth. And I want to say um the first thing I looked into was uh uh something called the love path, which is uh developed by uh a guy uh named Joe Beam. And he has this um love path that he so it has like a like some four steps to it, and it's attraction. So you are attracted to someone, there's uh then there's uh acceptance and there's attachment and aspiration. So that's like the four steps of your, you know, when you meet someone and how are things gonna evolve. And attraction is the four pillars of growth that you mentioned, and it's the I've mentioned it uh actually a couple of times, it's the physical, the intellectual, the emotional, and the spiritual. And the spiritual is you the beliefs and values, and it also is uh religion, and because that's your beliefs and values, and acceptance is accepting the person for who they are, uh and what they feel, really truly accepting that. Attachment is kind of the you know, engagement, whatever, right? And the aspiration, so having those shared dreams, like how can we? I don't want to live my life, only living your dreams, right?

Genevieve 35:33

Right.

Rasmus 35:34

You wanna, and it doesn't have to be the same dreams that you have, but you have to kind of merge them together, intertwine them, uh, in order to to have a fulfilling life and be willing to do that. And so it's about you know evoking good emotions uh in others. And I've I've been bad at this because I didn't know what how to do it even, you know. Yeah um and the funny thing is like you know, I can I can do something that I believe will have a good imp good bring a good emotion into another person. Um but in reality it is that the per the receiving uh person will be the one determining whether this is gonna evoke a good emotion or a bad emotion or neutral. Yeah. So so it's it's actually quite difficult, but um but that's also you know, you gotta figure out well, how did how did this person react to this? Um and then take note of that, really.

Genevieve 36:36

I think that's a little hard too, because you don't have her physically there with you. So you're learning a lot of these things and then trying to implement them to her, and then she does is she aware of a lot of these tools, or is it something that you've just been able to try with her?

Rasmus 36:50

Yeah, it's more something that I've been working on, uh, and kind of because you know, it's just a lot, there's so much going on, and uh this is just something I've been having going on on uh you know as a side thing. Yeah, um, but I've learned so much. Um the maybe I can go into the Gottman's four horsemen, and uh what that is is uh he discovered um these four things that happen in relationships and especially in well not especially but in in marriages as an example that if you use these any of these four horsemen like a lot, it's a predictive for divorce. And the the four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And um, like you know, just to run over, like criticizing someone for oh you you always uh you know tip over the soda when you grab the salt and pepper or something, right? You know, just kind of like oh, you always do that. Contempt is the you know, that's really bad. That's uh where you go really like you're just such a bad person, kind of thing, right? Like I I can't believe that you are I can't believe you, you know, uh rolling eyes, and you know, that's contempt. And um defensiveness and stonewalling some defensiveness, I'm guilty of that 100%. Criticism too, and I'm like, you know, just as an example, I I I can remember um just for example, you know, I I'm from Denmark, and I can, you know, oh we are well, we are very we're pretty sarcastic here. And so I could you know say something and then use that as well, yeah. I mean, it's it's we're just sarcastic, it's not like I'm you know attacking you or something, but instead just owning it. Just own it. Hey, I hurt you, I'm very sorry. I I don't even need to say that, oh defended with, but we are also very sarcastic in Denmark, so hey, take it to it doesn't matter, right?

Genevieve 38:56

Right.

Rasmus 38:57

So defensiveness is super uh I think it's dangerous. It's also very easy to fall into because it's like it takes you know, you have to give away your pride kind of sometimes and just owning, just owning what you do. Stonewalling is yeah, like you know, talk to the hand, or you know, you do like you know, you take the trash and you know, you kind of slam the door after yourself, kind of like you know, it's and just walking around but a little aggressively, and we you know, we've all kind of stonewalling. I think some people are you know can be very bad at uh stonewalling and be you know literally just cut you out.

Genevieve 39:34

Uh yeah.

Rasmus 39:35

And um and that's also it kind of ties well with um with uh different attachment styles uh that I also learned about there's like a secure attachment, which is the t attachment style that you want to be in. And then there's like an anxious and an avoidant, and then there's a combination of the two. And it kind of says really says what it is like being anxious, which is how I have been, and you know, you can. You can move into a secure position. Everyone can do that. But being anxious is, you know, I need to talk with you. I need to talk more with you because I need to tell you how bad I feel. I need to, you know, all this. Because when I do that, then my basically my hope is that you will feel it. And you will, you know, feel that how much I hurt. And so therefore you will come and save me. But the thing is that it becomes very difficult to be that receiving person of all this, like, you know, it might work the first time. Right. But if it's like a constant thing, it's gonna be, I can't do it. You know, it makes me feel worse. And and the avoidance, not better, like at just avoiding any, you know, any confrontation. Yeah. Like just avoiding it. It's um, and then there's a combination of the two. I haven't experienced that before, but I, you know, I can imagine that being really difficult to be in that. Um, so like being uh secure is you know, I can live on my own, but I choose to be with you um because that's something I want to. So yeah, I think that was uh interesting.

Genevieve 41:12

Well, I think it's it's interesting to hear you go through a lot of these things because these are things that, you know, I'll be married 20 years next year, and these are things that Chris and I learned over several years of being married, and then doing these exact things to where we finally realize, oh, there's a name for that. Oh, those are the four horsemen, those we've been doing? Okay. You know, these are things that it's it's uh great to hear that these are things that you have discovered. I mean, even that you are separated from your spouse, but you're working on these things. I don't know that there'd be anybody that going through just this particular season in in marriage relationship, any relationship, can go through this without having faith in in him. So that is something it's great to hear that that is what a foundation that you're leaning on. Well, this is also kind of interesting to get to speak to you because you're the military spouse. Usually it's the male's perspective, he's gone, and it's the you know, female military spouse, but you get to be the military spouse. And so having no military background, of course, um, and her being in the Air Force, you have really been able to tap into some of those spouse resources, which I I've loved hearing that you have been involved in. So you've been doing the Military Spouse Network, and then through Alex, you discovered the foreign-born military spouse, and then now you are just by the time this airs, you will have already graduated from the uh military spouse leadership development course. So all of these resources that you have been able to discover through being a military spouse and being married to her, how have those helped you uh as well in your growth and professional and personal side?

Rasmus 43:04

So these networks are just such a wonderful uh resource uh because well, so the first one I I learned about was the for or no, the the first one I learned about was the military spouse advocacy network. And um it's just a bunch of wonderful people there with that can give you mentorship. And the one thing that we all have in common is that we are military spouses, and and being a military spouse has its own unique challenges, no matter what, no matter if you are the one thing or the other, or you know, it has some challenges, and to come together and learn that there's actually a network that can help you and answer your questions, and there's no dumb question, you know. It's like we all know that this is like you know, it's difficult to navigate because military um service members they have they are living it, they're working it every day. But as a spouse, you don't live in all that all the time. Right there's so many good resources for military spouses, but you gotta find them. And I'm just lucky, I guess, that I was looking uh and found this network, and then one thing led to another. Um, you know, just learning about how to PCS, you know, there's training courses on that, and uh need help on those things sometimes, yes. Yep, and um, yeah, um I mean they so they I've you know leadership training, like specific leadership training where you actually have to meet up and sit around you know on a Zoom call. Uh and um in the foreign-born military spouse network, it's you know, being a military spouse has, like I said, its own unique challenges, but putting a foreign uh and being foreign-born as well on top of cultural differences, the immigration, you know, uh everything that it's like being thrown into uh I don't even know what to call it because it's worse than anything, I can't, you know. Uh but it's it's a tremendous, tremendous help. And again, like if you need if you have a question, you know, ask those questions. The support system there is they understand your situation. Um, and so it's it's a necessity, I feel like, to have this network. Um for me, I you know, I I know there's also other uh you know spouse um uh programs on basis and stuff like that, but I'm you know, obviously I can't really do that from FR. Right. Um but this has just been just absolute game changer for me to be able to learn things while uh being in this situation.

Genevieve 46:02

And that's something I've always loved about being in the military community. Of course, I was I grew up military, my dad was Air Force, and then I have family that were all in service different service branches, but um, you know, being a military spouse while my husband was deployed, using the resources that were given, those were all just so uh helpful for me. And it it's a community that become your family when you don't have your family. That I have gained so many friends that I consider family that I've known for 15, 20 years now, and these men and women uh friends have been with us. They've been through some of our hardest parts in life. So so grateful for the community. And then the things that I've been able to do and volunteer and then gain um certificates and things from, it is just so yeah, very lucky to have these resources for the spouse while the service member is defending our country. Yeah, you know, and I I love that. Yeah. So I will make sure that I put those links in there as well because these are so worth sharing. So I will have all of those links to all those networks and um and uh programs that you have been part of. Yeah. So I want to just end with a couple of things. Um right now you're still going through some legalities, so we don't know what the end looks like yet for you and when this will all end and you can be reunited with your spouse. So this was such a great time to share this because we don't know there could be somebody else out there going through what you're going through, and and maybe not even military affiliated, but just dealing with separation from their spouse. So when you think about someone who could potentially be listening to our conversation and they feel stuck in that waiting or that separation, what would you like to give them as encouragement from you going through this right now? And then um anybody that does want to reach out to you the best way that they can reach out to you, because you know it's better when you can talk to somebody else who's been through it with you or been through what you've been through, that you're not alone.

Rasmus 48:15

So yeah, yeah. I mean, don't give up and don't do what's easy, do what's right. That's I think that's the primary thing. Like you don't stand still, it'll only make it make it worse. And try to learn about these um for me, learn why we feel why we feel and uh why we behave, how we behave. It takes time, and things doesn't change uh right away. Like when you want to run a marathon, you don't just go run a marathon, you have to start running like just being able to run a mile first, right? It takes time, but you gotta you gotta put in the work and but believe in yourself because you can only control yourself. You cannot control the circumstances and you cannot control other people. We shouldn't, anyway. Um and um I think that's that's the you know, get yourself out of that hole that was duck and uh and do the best you can. And what you if you do the best you can, you're doing good enough, you know.

Genevieve 49:22

Right.

Rasmus 49:22

Um and I can be reached out. So I um I'm a very I guess old school. I only have uh like social media, it's it's on Facebook and on um other uh then it would be email. Uh that's uh that's the way it would uh yeah, the way I can be reached, yeah.

Genevieve 49:41

Yeah. Well Rasmus, I know this this is just a crazy time for you, and I can definitely relate um with just being a military spouse who's had that distance, but two years is a long time. And so, of course, I will be saying some prayers for your relationship, of course. But prayers, of course, just for you to have the peace that you need during this time, and hope that the process will somehow give you some answers here soon. So I appreciate it. Thank you for being on here, and I really have enjoyed having you here.

Rasmus 50:16

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Genevieve 50:18

Before we close, I want to pause for what I call a hidden chapter moment. This is the part of this story that may not have been obvious at the time, but looking back changed everything. Rasmus's hidden chapter wasn't just the physical separation from his wife or the uncertainty of waiting. It's what was happening internally while nothing externally was changing. The realization that staying still was slowly pulling him further from himself, that avoiding pain was keeping him from growth, and that the only thing he truly had control over was who he was becoming in the middle of it all. What shifted everything was choosing growth over stagnation, learning to live in alignment with his values instead of reacting from emotion, trusting God with what he could not change, while taking responsibility for what he could. If you'd like to continue these conversations off the podcast, I share deep reflections, behind the scenes thoughts, and other hidden chapter moments over on Substack. You can find the link in the show notes. And if this episode resonated, I'd love for you to follow and share it with someone who might need to hear it. Hidden Chapters exists to honor the stories we don't always see.