From Feeling Unseen to Showing Up: A Military Leader’s Hidden Chapter

Episode Summary
Twenty four years ago, Adrian sat in my high school English classroom. He was quiet. Thoughtful. The kind of student who did not demand attention, but was always paying attention. I do not think either of us could have imagined where life would take him.

Today, he is an Air Force ROTC commander and instructor at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles, leading and mentoring the next generation of Air Force and Space Force cadets.

But there is a chapter in between those two versions of Adrian that most people never saw.

After 9/11, he felt pulled toward military service, searching for purpose and direction. He became a pilot. He deployed. He stepped into leadership. And in one defining deployment, no one showed up when he left and no one checked in when he returned. In an environment that expects strength and steadiness, he carried that weight quietly.

In this conversation, we talk about what it feels like to grow up unseen, the pressure to hold it together when others are depending on you, and the moment that changed the way he leads. Adrian made a decision that day. If he ever had the opportunity to lead others, he would not let them walk through major moments alone.

Now, as an instructor and commander, that commitment shapes the way he mentors this generation.

This episode is about the moments that mark us, the responsibility that comes with leadership, and the choice to show up differently because of what you once needed yourself.

The Hidden Chapter Moment
Adrian’s hidden chapter was not just the deployment itself. It was what surrounded it, or more accurately, what didn’t.

No one checked in before he left. No one reached out when he came home. In a role where you are expected to be steady and strong, he quietly carried that experience by himself.

That moment stayed with him. Not in a bitter way, but in a clarifying way. He decided that if he ever had the responsibility of leading others, he would pay attention to those moments. He would not let someone walk through something significant and feel invisible. Now, as a commander and instructor, that decision still guides him. The way he shows up. The way he checks in. The way he leads.

Resources and Mentions:

🇺🇸  The LMU Air Force Reserve Officer Training Corps (AFROTC) : https://academics.lmu.edu/afrotc/

Transcript

Genevieve 0:00

Welcome to Hidden Chapters. I'm your host, Genevieve. And this is a space where we slow down and honor the stories we don't always see. The ones that quietly shape who we are, how we love, and how we learn to survive the seasons that change us. Today's conversation is especially meaningful to me. Twenty-four years ago, Adrian was a student of mine in my high school English class. Back then, he was a quiet young man navigating challenges most people didn't see. Today, he serves as an Air Force ROTC commander and instructor at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles, mentoring and shaping the next generation of leaders. In this episode, we talk about those early years of feeling unseen, the decision to pursue the military in search of purpose and belonging, and the deployment that became a defining hidden chapter. A moment when no one checked in. A moment that revealed how deeply loneliness can take root when strength is expected and vulnerability feels out of place. From former student to ROTC commander, from silence to showing up. This is Adrian's hidden chapter. All right. Well, hi Adrian. Thank you for reaching out and being on the show.

Adrian 1:17

Definitely an honor and a pleasure and cannot thank you enough for letting me be a part of this journey that that you found for yourself and this niche. As I call, I think you you really found uh your call in here.

Genevieve 1:28

I think so too. I appreciate that. Yeah. It's uh kind of wild. I do sometimes have to go back and go, I'm a podcaster. I'm a podcaster, I'm I'm a podcaster.

Adrian 1:38

Confidence with Gusto.

Genevieve 1:39

Yeah, that's right. So all right. Well, I do feel like this is another full circle moment because I know that uh you were my student when I was in my first year of teaching 24 years ago. So now that I'm a podcaster, I just it's so great to be able to uh reconnect with some of my former students like you and and Jay Smith, who I had in season one. So I I laughed that you had joked that you got jealous, and when you reached out to me that you saw CJ on the show that you wanted to you wanted to be on the show as well. But joking aside, what really made you think this is the time for you to share your story now and on the podcast?

Adrian 2:18

Yeah, so uh first off, let's just say they acknowledge the quarter of a century later almost.

Genevieve 2:24

It's insane to think about it 24 years ago.

Adrian 2:27

Yeah. Um and CJ, if you're gonna be listening to this episode, yes, you uh you beat me to the punch. You did get to get do the podcast first. So, but uh, you know, being that I was contemplating this answer, because he's a professional wrestler, I was kind of thinking like he's he's tagging me in now, right? Like he got to have the first opportunity, so now here he is tagging me in uh to tagger it. Uh truthfully, it was hearing not only his story, but all the other stories that you've done so far.

Genevieve 2:57

Yeah.

Adrian 2:58

It everyone has a story to share. So I and I thought perhaps first off, reconnecting, you know, having the conversation with you, but also the the message and and everything that perhaps I can share, like from my perspective, that someone else could perhaps resonate with and reach out. Uh yeah, like I like you mentioned, if we're gonna provide those that uh contact information and made available. But just one of those that I think everyone has a story to share that others could probably either resonate with or even learn from.

Genevieve 3:29

Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's uh something I've been having more and more conversations with people about is just how you know if we don't share our stories, there are other people out there that feel like they're alone in what they're going through. And it is so it's a community building and comforting to know when you do get that moment to share with somebody else that they go. I appreciate that because I'm dealing with that too. And it it helps build that connection. So definitely. So let's go back to the beginning because we were both in different stages of life back then, since I was your English teacher. Fill me in on those high school years. What was life like for you back then? And what were you carrying in those years that maybe most people didn't see and I didn't see as your teacher?

Adrian 4:09

Yeah, so the junior year of high school when when when I was in your class was my first year at Cape Fear. I had just transferred in from another school, and I had also moved from my mom's house to my dad's house. I had divorced parents since I was five. So it was a big transition in many ways. Uh being with my dad full-time, going to a new school, albeit it being high school on top of that. Yeah. It was a big transition, new friends, new environment. And uh, but it was it was a necessary change. My my mom and I at the time started, me being a teenage boy, we started to argue a lot, and and the the school I was at as well wasn't wasn't the greatest. So academically, this was a much and welcome change to come to another school. But also, my my dad has been an educator all of his life and he recently retired. So that was just the the structure, the the rigidness that I needed to keep me in line and ensure that I finished high school to the absolute best level that I could academically and pro and allow myself, give myself those opportunities to succeed and and progress on to ideally college and other things.

Genevieve 5:32

Yeah.

Adrian 5:33

But even before that, what what you you asked what kind of shaped me? Well, it wasn't just those those high school years, I kind of thought about shaped my resiliency, the the changes, again, all those things that were happening. But even before that, and uh going back to elementary school, uh, I was bullied. I was always the the smaller kid, I was I was on the tiny, right on the smaller side, super short compared to everyone else. So that brought unfortunately a lot of bullying. And that shaped me in not only through the high school years, but into adulthood even now, right? And I I can I think as as we go along, kind of my how my career progression has gone in in the military, how that still is one of those characteristics, one of those life experiences that I carry with me, because basically I tell myself, I will not allow that to happen either to me or anyone around me in the work environment, in the culture. That is just something that I stay away from. Uh, but I'll come back to the high school years. It was just, again, that structure that I needed uh from my dad. He just pushed me to succeed and do well and to not really accept just the uh the bare minimum minimum or or the the standard, right? He he kind of said you need to excel, you need to push yourself, constantly strive for not perfection, but excellence. So uh I think that is something that uh it and it paid off. I I definitely I was very sheltered, did not go to any high school parties, did not go to many sporting events at at Cape Fear. But um so but uh now that I look back on it as as an adult, I can definitely appreciate it and I see it, and it's one of those mannerisms, habit patterns that I fully intend to not only still continue my life with now that I'm I'm an I'm an instructor at a university, but also with my daughter who is uh about to be four. So as she as she grew, yeah, as she grows, as she continues on, it's just one of those same lessons, if you will, that I will carry forward with my daughter as as she couldn't continue on as she grows.

Genevieve 7:55

Well, it's good to hear too that you did have some of that structure because you know I have a daughter now that's in high school. And I would like to think that the way that I am parenting her is going to carry her through her college years and and adulthood and and all the things that I'm trying to instill in her. And it's crazy to think some of the stories she comes back with me about the way the kids are in the classroom now that I couldn't even imagine. So high school is already difficult in itself, the changes that you're going through, but to have at least the support that it sounds like you had is actually very rare these days, I think. For sure. But so much needed.

Adrian 8:31

Yeah, and not to say, of course, but my mom supported me in in in all the ways. I'm definitely not taking that away. Of course. My my dad being the educator was just pushing me.

Genevieve 8:41

Oh, I know. I had educated parents. Yeah, parents were in the education system. I think you knew that. My dad was a teacher when I where I was in high school, so I couldn't do a whole lot. He knew I was around and what I did, and so but I wasn't really a bad kid either because I was more afraid of the consequences more than anything.

Adrian 8:58

For sure, yeah. When when I heard my name said in Spanish, that's when I knew I was in trouble, right? It wasn't Adrian, it was Adrian, and I'm like, okay, that's you knew, you knew. Yeah.

Genevieve 9:08

Okay, so we're gonna fast forward then, and you talk about military, which is interesting because you are actually the first in your family to serve in the military, and usually and not always, of course, but it's it's always interesting to find that those that you had military background, military family, that's kind of a natural fit for them. So, what was it specifically for you being the first in your family to serve that uh made you want to join?

Adrian 9:32

I always had a fascination with the military, probably helped that I grew up in a military town being Fayetteville, North Carolina, sometimes belovedly called Fayatnam.

Genevieve 9:44

Fayetnam.

Adrian 9:44

Uh, but uh it was my it was just a combination. My my next door neighbor who really became my second family and and still are to this day. There, the the dad was uh military sergeant major. So he would, and and he had a son, so he and they were we were about the same age, we're about two to three years apart. He was a little bit older, but he would take us to base with him. So that was kind of my first exposure to the military decorum and and and other things that that he were where he was. And then every now and again he would take us to see his troops uh jump out of the uh the aircraft and and parachute down. But I had on top of that, I had always been fascinated with airplanes. And I felt like at some point I said, I want to be a pilot, I want to fly. And it wasn't that actually wasn't a desire to be a fighter pilot. It was always mobility, it was always having the opportunity to carry supplies out in the world somewhere, helping our military service members abroad, but then having the ability to bring them home.

Genevieve 10:51

That's really awesome that you had that. Because you know, I you grow up and you have like you think top gun. You think a lot of people I want to be a pilot and be a top gun and be a fighter.

Adrian 10:58

Yeah. Yeah, for some reason it was always I was always had that draw to maybe because I saw the C-130s that would fly around.

Genevieve 11:07

Before they were stationed there at the time.

Adrian 11:09

And and I remember when I I did uh JROTC in high school all four years, there was a poster of the C 17. And I think had just come out. It was uh I think that C17 became operational in the mid-90s. So this was late 90s when I was in high school. That I saw a poster and I remember sitting as that, I said, that's what I want to fly.

Genevieve 11:30

That's awesome.

Adrian 11:31

And then fast forward, that's what I got to fly for about 10 years of my career.

Genevieve 11:34

That is really cool. Yeah, I always loved watching uh your life through uh Facebook and just see this beastie plane you fly in it. And I go, that's really awesome. You know, because of course Chris was a helicopter pilot, and I always thought that was really cool for uh just being in the midst of all of it and being able to climb in and out of it. And yeah, my dad being Air Force Two had that experience. So that's awesome.

Adrian 11:56

Awesome aircraft.

Genevieve 11:58

Yeah. Well, I know also you grew up in that era of 9-11. So, um, how did that era also shape kind of your sense of purpose if you wanted being in the military?

Adrian 12:10

Yeah, it was a newfound passion, if you will, a motivation, I think, for a lot of us, right? Because that was 2001. So that was my sophomore year of high school.

Genevieve 12:19

Yeah.

Adrian 12:20

When 9-11 happened. And there was also a personal tie in that my uncle worked in the World Trade Center. Thankfully, that morning he got called to a meeting last minute in Midtown Manhattan, which kept him away from the World Trade Center that morning and that day. However, when the that event occurred, no one could reach him because I'm assuming with cell towers, as as we've seen historically in any type of uh mass casualty situation or any type of mass hysteria, the cell phone towers get wiped out early. And and perhaps the technology's gotten better, but at least in that time, if there was a a mass influx of calls or people using the signal, sometimes the signal would drop out, and that's what happened is that we no one could reach my uncle for hours that morning. Eventually, thankfully, we did uh get word that he was okay, he was on New The Work Trade Center. His office was on the 11th floor, I believe, of what was a South Tower, and everyone in his office was able to get out.

Genevieve 13:18

Wow.

Adrian 13:18

So I kind of had that personal tie to 9-11. But again, I had already kind of had that draw. I was already in in ROTC, uh J R O T C excuse me, in high school. So I had already kind of started my path toward familiar familiarizing myself with military uniform, decorum, uh, behavior, if you will, learning leadership, learning followership. And so when I got to college, joined the ROTC program, Air Force ROTC, that was still kind of fresh, right? The war with the war on terrorism was kicking off. That was kind of the newfound, not motivation, only for those in ROTC that were eventually striving to become officers in the military, but the entire nation, if you kind of think back to it. Like everyone was on board with this and supporting, and it was great. So that was that was my kind of uh my found sense of purpose was was that right. Not only was it the personal desires of wanting to fly, but then 9-11 kicked in again. That personal tie of almost having a family member die in the attacks. All of that was just kind of what I what I attribute as my motivation, my fuel to definitely continue on the path that I was to join the military and become an officer.

Genevieve 14:37

Yeah. And I think it was around that time frame too. We all had so much patriotism. We were so proud. And uh when I was teaching you all, that was around that time frame that I was engaged to my husband then. And he was back-to-back deployments, and those beginning deployments were pretty rough. They were year-long, one extended to 15 months. But we were so proud of our soldiers that uh went and served. And so I think that was just that part of the time and nation where you felt like you were really doing such a a good thing to to be part of the country and and serve in that way. So definitely. Absolutely. Well, we're gonna dive into that hidden chapter because although military and your purpose was was uh where your heart was at, of course we know military doesn't always go as we plan and things do happen. So your um if you would, would you share something about that moment or experience in your military career that felt like a hidden chapter that people didn't see or didn't know the full story behind? So let's talk about that deployment.

Adrian 15:36

Yep, it was January of 2018. I had been assigned to deploy for six months. Ground deployment. It wasn't a flying deployment out to uh the the Middle East, and my wife had just started her graduate program that required her to uh fly out of where we were twice a month on a Thursday to be in class all day, Friday, Saturday, and then she would fly back home on Sunday. She did that twice a month for six months. And uh again, January was the very beginning of that. So she started earlier that month, it was January. I was leaving, if I remember correctly, the third or fourth week of January. So she was gone, unfortunately, that weekend. My my departure on a commercial flight was on a Saturday, so she was gone, unfortunately. So she couldn't be there, which 100% I understood.

Genevieve 16:28

Right.

Adrian 16:29

The hidden chapter piece was that no one from my unit showed up that morning when I left, which is unbelievable. I had a lot of bags, I had all my equipment, Carrie, I had uh, you know, the one of those plastic trunks with all my belongings in it and a few other bags to take with me. And I remember that I couldn't park the car on the curb by the departures to unload my bags to leave it there and then park my car. So what I did was park my car and grab just carried as much as I could. At one point, I was dragging one of my other duffel bags behind me into the airport. And thankfully there was a gentleman that saw me doing this, and he said, Sir, can I please help you carry this? I said, That'd be greatly appreciated. That'd be great. So that was a departure, definitely hurt that no one was there.

Genevieve 17:19

Yeah.

Adrian 17:20

Like I said, 100% my wife would have been had she been in town, but she was gone, gone to school. Um, and then through that deployment, there I remember vividly that there was no one that reached out from my unit. Family reached out, obviously, to check on to check on me and see how I was doing, but no one from the unit did, which baffled me then and still baffles me to this day.

Genevieve 17:42

Do you know have any reasons why? I don't just no contact at all from any of your unit.

Adrian 17:50

And it was just you. It was just me. Just me. Yeah. So um, and so that as unfortunate as it was, what I told myself and my the vow I made to myself was I will never allow anyone to feel this way again if I have any control over it. If I can do anything about it, no one will ever feel what I feel right now. Um, so and then on top of that, so I had the departure, I had my time while I was deployed, and then coming home, it was uh just just my my wife there, like come coming back home. So it was it was odd, as close as uh airlift squadron typically is, that for some reason uh I was I wouldn't say abandoned person. I think that that's a strong word to say, but there was this definitely uh a feeling of uh loneliness, I guess is the best way to put it, right? So it's just one of those that again, I made that vow that I never will I allow anyone to feel that way. I will be there regardless of what time they depart. And and I did. I and in fact, uh fast forward, excuse me, I was uh put in charge of uh maintenance operations unit, and I had 150 enlisted personnel that I was in charge of. And I told my senior staff members really from the beginning, anytime members are gonna deploy and leave, I am going to be there. So please let's have a tracker, let's have something on the staff meeting slide to where everyone can see it, but it's primarily for me to know when people are leaving. And I did, I and I did that. My myself and my my senior enlisted member, my SEL, we both said, okay, we're we're gonna we're gonna drive to the airport whenever they're leaving, and we're gonna be there. One of us will be there, if not both, when they come back. And and so and it and it what what was great to see was how much they appreciated that and because they did not expect it. You know, the first time I had a group leave, it was it was early in the morning, it was four or five in the morning, but I was still there just to say, you know, see them off. I gave them a little goodie bag actually, because I I've heard about that and seen that, and I was like, you know, let's let's put the little personal touch here, support, ensured that we were reaching out pretty consistently while they were gone, and then when they came back, I was there and they were equally surprised. They're like, What are you doing here? It's like I'm here to welcome you home, you know, and and be here for you.

Genevieve 20:30

So yeah. Well, and that's great, not great that you experienced that, but from that you took that, learned from it, and was able to implement that moving forward to help others so that you wouldn't they wouldn't feel the way that you did. Because that was a pivotal part of how you ended up leading, right? And how you ended up uh doing things differently. And definitely I know how important, especially deployments, especially at those times, how important it was just to have somebody there to recognize to welcome you home. Because we don't we don't know what you all went through. You know, combat, not it's still a deployment. You're still leaving everything you know to go to something you absolutely don't. You know, so now knowing what you have been through and the experiences that you had, what effects did it have on your career uh in a leadership role and choosing not to engage in that military uh facade?

Adrian 21:31

Yeah, so the the leadership facade is is essentially the facade that leaders present, right? They they put up a phase, they just kind of present themselves as always being okay or not really showing how they're actually feeling or any type of emotion, right? There again, it's it's just that that front that they have to be the strong one. And I think that's good to an extent. Right. You have to show strength for your subordinates, but you also need to show, at least in my opinion, you need to show transparency. You need to show humility. You need to be able to identify when you're not okay. And I think that leadership facades is that there are some that just cannot do that. They can't readily self-identify. So instead they'll internalize what they're actually feeling if they're struggling, and just power essentially try to power through. And that's so dangerous, right? And that's also counterintuitive because we tell our subordinates, we tell the ones that we work with, colleagues, if you're struggling, please let us know. Please be transparent, please be humble, and self-identify when you're when you're needing help so that we can provide you resources, find your resource, whether we escort you or we find you that resource, we take you to the chapel and we take you, we use a military one source type type resource. It's uh again, you know, it's kind of counterintuitive and also uh hypocritical, if you will, right? Like how is it that you're gonna tell others to utilize those resources to self-identify when you're you yourself, again, you know, some leaders may not be able to do it, do that. So it's important to uh practice what you preach, right? Show that show that humility, show that transparency so that others can say, okay, now I see that my supervisor, my commander, maybe even is open enough and trust us enough to open up like this and and let us know where they're struggling, he or she. And then that I think that in in turn would allow everyone in the unit to embody that and realize, okay, they they're that's actually a sincere thing that I can identify and let others know when I'm struggling.

Genevieve 24:02

How are you able to comfortably be that vulnerable? Because you know, in the military sense, once you get to a leadership position, it is that, well, I'm good, I'm fine, I don't need anybody, and they don't want to admit that. So, how was it that you, taking the experiences that you went through, were able to just break that and go, no, I'm not okay, and I'm gonna tell you, and then able to use that as a leadership um guiding others to do the yeah.

Adrian 24:30

I'll uh I'll just say it's probably my my culture.

Genevieve 24:33

Yeah.

Adrian 24:33

Me being a Hispanic male, I'll just at least say for myself that I wear my emotions on my face. You're gonna know how I feel. I am not able to hide it, probably no matter how hard I try.

Genevieve 24:45

Yeah.

Adrian 24:46

So, but on top of that, it was also the way I was I was brought up, right? For for the years with my parents, it was tell me how you're feeling, like be open. You know, it wasn't one of those, if you tell me how you're feeling, it it's that is it's a sign of weakness. It it was it was never that. There was always that ability to always be open, honest with with the family. And that's what I kind of use now for for feedback is I call it open, honest, unfiltered feedback.

Genevieve 25:16

That's great.

Adrian 25:16

What when I when I've had you know with with my subordinates, with my colleagues, it's always tell me how it is, not non-attributional, I want to know exactly what you're thinking, how you're feeling, and go from there because that is the only way that we can truly trust each other and also be able to find the most productive and efficient way forward.

Genevieve 25:40

No, you're right. And that's really the essential of a hidden chapters. It's you know, we can't keep holding all this in. And that was one of the other reasons I know we shared together how this was all born. You you get to an end of your career, and if you don't start putting, you start working through those things, get the end of the career, and you're unpacking the rucksack, you're unpacking the baggage, and you're like, where the heck is all this coming from? It's years of not being, you know, being honest or or sharing the struggles as you're going through them.

Adrian 26:08

It's gonna boil over at some point. That's true. As much as you internalize and try to tuck it away, at some point you're gonna reach a breaking point, everything's gonna come out.

Genevieve 26:17

Well, through all the experiences, having me being your teacher at one time, now we come full circle. You are now the teacher in a classroom. Wow. So now you're teaching at the Air Force ROTC program at Loyola Marymount University, right in Los Angeles as an ROTC commander and instructor. So, how is that experience for you now teaching the next generation?

Adrian 26:43

It's been great, truthfully. Yeah. So I came into this uh role and in this position summer of 2025. So it's been about eight months now.

Genevieve 26:53

Yeah, new.

Adrian 26:55

In my second term now as commander as an instructor. And I'll first off, this is the job that I wanted to retire out of. So I will be retiring out of this job. I'm I'm approaching 18 years in the military, uh, May of this year, and and then summer of 2028, I'll be transitioning out of this job. My replacer will come in, and then I'll be retiring a couple months thereafter.

Genevieve 27:17

That's crazy to think you're into retirement already.

Adrian 27:21

Almost there. No, it's been uh it's been such a rewarding career. There's so many experiences that I draw upon to bring to this job. Number one, again, what I wanted to do the most, not only to mentor, develop our future leaders and officers in the Air Force and Space Force, but it's also giving them my examples, giving them my experiences to hopefully give them that real world example, not just the teaching from the lessons of what I have to teach them per the curriculum, but it's also giving them those life experiences that they will be able to remember and recall upon. Okay, I remember Lieutenant Colonel Cruz talking about this, and now perhaps they can take the same approach or a different approach, but at least they were saying, okay, I've heard of this before, I've seen this maybe a similar type of situation to where they have at least a start, right? Of how to handle that that situation. But so far, it's been everything that I thought it was gonna be. It's it's very, it's a very uh rewarding job, very fulfilling job. And that's exactly what I what I wanted. I knew it was gonna be that, that I could give back, mentor, develop. I I flew the C17 for the last 10 years, so I was done flying. I'm I'm I'm glad I can have some stability in my life as far as having that Monday through Friday type job. I'm totally okay with that. Yeah, I could do without the LA traffic. I will add that in there. However, the uh a lot of a lot of the a lot of these days I I leave work, I go pick up my daughter from daycare, and then however long we're sitting in traffic driving home is just the the more time that she and I have for that quality time. So I I look I look past it as long as I've noticed as long as you pay no mind to the LA traffic, you just get there when you get there, you're fine mentally, right? You're not miserable, you're not angry. Um, so and and it also gives me time to I've noticed that it's enough time driving home to unwind. I have so much going going on in my mind that by the time I get home, I'm like in a calm state of mind that that time in the car between being in my thoughts, but also talking, talking with my little girl, listening to Disney music, all the things, all the sing-alongs that we have now, because she's she's uh three and a half, so she's at that fun talking age. She's she's singing, she's remembering things, a lot of good memories. Yeah, and and and the cadets, you know, the the cadets are great. I have a great staff. My my team here is is phenomenal. It's a it's a team of five, including myself, as far as active duty Air Force members that are here as my staff. And then we have we have we are average between 50 to 55 cadets. So it's it's a good enough cadet core size that I'm able to learn everybody's name and know their story.

Genevieve 30:10

Yeah, that's not a big enough classroom, but you can, yeah, to everybody.

Adrian 30:14

Yeah, I have have and I'm teaching the upperclassmen too. So again, it's it's as they're in their final years and uh for my seniors, right? They're now within four months of graduating and and commissioning as Air Force or Space Force officers. So this is kind of the home stretch for them, right? This is like the final stretch that we have with them to prepare them as best as we can for what is gonna be their future for however long they they choose it to be.

Genevieve 30:43

Oh, I love that two things that you said about uh that detox time that you get in the car with your daughter. I think that's actually really important, right? Rather than just go straight from work to go home and unload it on whoever is around just because you didn't have that time. So that is really, really good advice or really good practice for you. And then the other thing I wanted to uh the one thing I was thinking about is the experiences that you've had in your military career, you've been able to now shed light on your students, you know, the experiences that life has given you in the military and in in general. So I'm interested, I know you told me about this before about one of your cadets and an experience that he was going through that you were able to uh help him out about how he was dealing with um body shutting down, couldn't admit that he was struggling. So, because of what you have gone through, your own personal hidden chapters, how have you been able to be the teacher in that moment for him?

Adrian 31:43

Yeah, it's uh I'd say it, and it wasn't just that situation. The the the situations that really all of these kids are dealing with is it's it's heart-wrenching, truthfully. Some of them they they're dealing with not only being a full-time academic student, which is in itself pretty tough, right? I mean, that that's a struggle within itself to be a college student, but then you add on the responsibilities and requirements of ROTC. But then there's also kind of a tertiary effect of being specifically here at Loyla Marymount or LMU for short, is that out of the 50 to 55 cadets that we have, 75% of those cadets are traveling in from another campus in the LA area, right? So only 25% are here at LMU. So not only are you, again, the the students having to do full-time student coursework wherever they are, but then they have to factor in at least once a week. They come in, they show up in person to campus and then factor in that drive time. LA traffic, right? I mean, that's traffic at all times of the day, it doesn't ever seem to stop for some reason. So there's a there's just so much additional stress that these students have to deal with, and then for some, there's other external factors on top of that, right? So it's just kind of compounding things in their lives, and I'm I'm so grateful and thankful that some of them have trusted us enough as cadre members, as staff members, to come to us about their problem and their situation and seeking that help. And then whether it's from my experiences or someone in the staff, someone has had the experience of I think this is the best way forward, this is the best resource that we can do. Right. And the other important piece is the follow-up, being consistent with not just having that conversation of, well, thank you for telling us about your your situation or your problem, and here's some resources or solutions that we can offer. It's following uh being again consistent, deliberate about following up and saying, Hey, how are you? How's it going? Are you okay?

Genevieve 33:59

Yeah, right.

Adrian 34:00

And then because sometimes some have resolved, and then in other situations it's still ongoing or something else has happened.

Genevieve 34:07

Yeah, yeah.

Adrian 34:09

So it's it's just being there, truthfully. It's it's uh I think it was it was one of your previous guests said it the best being present, yes, right? Like being present, being visible, making your rounds, um, and just legitimately asking how's it going, right? As as you're walking by somebody uh to say, Hey, good morning, how's it going? Because uh I've had those experiences when that simple interaction, some their body language or the way they answered me, their tone of voice was indicative that something was going on. And sure enough, it was. I walked by him and I said, Hey, good morning, sir, how you doing? He said, I'm okay. Yeah, I said, Okay, hold on, man, let's let's talk. Why, why just okay? And again, he would he trusted me. He he divulged kind of what where he was, he was struggling, a young kid, away from his family, not able to see them as often as he would have. He was and he was still relatively new to the base and really his Air Force uh career so far. It was a struggle for him. And he had not actually shared that yet, his struggles with his supervisor. For and not to fault the supervisor, but again, sometime sometimes these individuals, um, they just they are intimidated in some way. Like whether it be with the rank or they're being their supervisor, they feel as though I can't open up because then I might be viewed in a certain way, which couldn't be farther from the truth, but they still maybe have these internal factors that that they intimidate themselves and just don't don't want to share. Right. And that you couldn't possibly relate to them in that because yeah, and then kind of the consistent thing that that I've heard though from every one of these situations is they don't want their burden to become someone else's burden. And I tell them that cannot be farther from the truth because if you again, if you try to internalize and handle this burden on your own, you're gonna reach a breaking point. Everyone needs a resource of some sort to get them through. So sharing that, I always try to tell them please share what's going on, good and bad. Be transparent, be humble.

Genevieve 36:27

Again, transitioning in here. I know we had talked about the connection with um internet, and I was gonna mention something. How you know when you and I, when you were a student in my classroom, of course, we didn't have the cell phones quite prevalent then. You know, this was 2002. We were still what flip phones and um I believe I had a Nokia phone for a little while, those little little small block ones, but it's interesting too what um you're observing as a teacher now or an instructor now in this generation where we have social media where we should technically be so connected to people now because we have all of these resources of connection and and engagement. But really, what are you noticing in that too, where we should be connected, but we are the most disconnected generation with all the social media and the technology.

Adrian 37:22

Cell phones, what I call the blessing and the curse at the same time. True, right in that is very true. It enables the connection over long distances, and then it uh going back to when I was deployed, having FaceTime and being able to see your loved ones and your family, right? That was probably the one thing that that kept me sane and kind of helped me keep going, right? When I was when I was gone for however long it was. And I can I I'll just add this in real quick. I can only imagine what it was like for the military before technology, right? Like when it was letters and pictures, and you didn't know how long it was gonna be in in between as far as how you know for a set envelope or letter to to get to the either service members or or back to the family, right?

Genevieve 38:04

Well, I mean, Chris and I, when we first got together, it was the early 2003, 2004, and we didn't have the internet yet, and we had the sat phones, so he would stand in line, long lines, just to sit for five minutes, or you know, even have those uh minute cards. And so it really was in the beginning, um, he would call and say, Hey, um, I'm good, but don't watch the news. I can't talk to you for two weeks. I'm like, that's all you gotta give me. And those were that's was the time. So yeah, it is even interesting over the years of his deployment. Then when we had the kids, it was so much more nicer to have FaceTime so the girls saw him versus just being able to hear daddy's voice or whatever. But you're right. Yeah.

Adrian 38:49

So and even with my daughter, uh, it's actually pretty, pretty cool. I was recently deployed that uh the USO offered, so now the USOs have uh either an office or some type of function at at a deployed location, right? At least where I was, that you can read a book, record yourself reading a book to your child or your family members, and they'll send the book home with the recording so that essentially you're still reading to your kids. I thought I did that weekly. That was so great. My daughter hearing me read her, and my wife said she really enjoyed it. So yeah, definitely one of those, one of those perks again of technology of where it became. But uh going back to it as far as uh technology and and with this generation with these students now, there's there's a high uh dependence upon it, right? And uh and and then initially, I wasn't trying to make too many changes when I first came into this job. I was like, hey, I'm just gonna kind of keep with a status quo what the previous instructor and commander had done as far as class dynamic, and then once I kind of get settled, then I'll start implementing changes thereafter. Initially, I allowed my students to have laptops open in in the classroom, and uh but I noticed that that was distracting them because and I think for some they were working on other assignments or or or products that were due maybe that day or that week for within a ROTC functionality, uh whatever job they had. But then I was at a conference actually last summer as I was preparing to come into this job, and this is a group full of commanders and uh senior enlisted members, so high-ranking enlisted and officers. When we came into this conference room, they said everyone will lay down their phones at this table in front of the room so that we ensure that everyone is present, engaged, and paying attention. And I thought that was great. I mean, that is great. Kind of interesting to them because you have commanders who have not only their personal cell phones, but they're sometimes commanders' phones or their work cell phones that are constantly going off or an email or text or something going on or a phone call. And but uh they did it. It's just every time we we had a break after every hour, you would see everyone go grab their phones, be checking it, answering emails, phone calls, whatever they had from the last hour, and then go back into it. And I thought that was a really good approach. So I actually incorporated that this term with my class. I said laptops will now be closed. If you want to take notes, you're gonna do it the old-fashioned way on paper. Yeah, transcribe it, type it, you know, if you're wanting to keep it for yourself later, but you will be engaged and you will be actively participating in this class.

Genevieve 41:33

Yeah, and kind of going back to that, I wonder if having that too, because now you have built a presence and modeled a real presence with your students, and then of course with your family too, but modeling that presence has also allowed a little bit of more of a trust and uh a vulnerability of you know, just being there, really listening, really being for them and focused with them.

Adrian 41:54

And it's and then it's it's being conscious too, now with my students, but now my for myself with my daughter and my wife as well, right? Is I actually read read a uh listened to an audio book. They talked about P play no phone. They said pretty much every day, at least for 15 minutes, longer if you want to, but at least 15 minutes every day, you will give your child P. It is the dedicated attention without distraction, put away the phones, and you are whatever your child wants to do, you are there with your child.

Genevieve 42:30

I love that.

Adrian 42:31

And and and it's been great. And not only do I have the conversations with my daughter for the hour plus one way that I'm traveling home or or to or to work to or to a daycare to drop her off. But when we get home and we get settled and and we can have some time, then we're playing with my little girl at least for a little while before we get ready to go to bed, bath time, put her down, all that.

Genevieve 42:55

And my brother, he's done really well with that too, because I told you he's got a one-year-old and I believe L is four. So yeah, they're in that that uh same age group, and he's definitely trying to do less technology and more play, more focus of just them being present. So well, to kind of end this up, I know um I loved just hearing your journey through the time that we have not been together, but you're coming to the end of your career, you've had a wonderful, uh, successful journey, but it has also cost you a little bit of closeness because it's just you and your your wife and your daughter in LA. So um, and I feel the same way because I'm in Alabama, and so none of my family is nearby. So you've kind of envied that closeness that others have where they've got grandparents or or family nearby. Now that you're getting ready to look into that next chapter, what are some things that you are definitely looking toward that matter most and some things that you're really uh hoping for in this this first and foremost, stability.

Adrian 43:55

Yes. To not be moving every three years. Uh Yeah, coming here to LA was my sixth move in 18 years. You know, so uh a lot of time has been spent temporarily in different locations throughout my time. But yeah, so I'm I'm looking forward to the stability of the most, being able to kind of establish my social circle and know that it's that's gonna be permanent, right? And not that, okay, I'm gonna enjoy this time with these friends, and then at some point either they'll leave or I'm gonna leave.

Genevieve 44:28

Yeah.

Adrian 44:29

And it may continue, it may not. More often than not, it hasn't continued. I've I've lost a lot of those connections, unfortunately. But uh, as far as the family, it was definitely tough. I definitely took advantage of being close to them when I was stationed in uh Charleston, South Carolina for a little while there. I was either going home or or they were coming down to visit. So that that was that was really great. And then on the flip side, uh with my wife's family, she's born and raised in Las Vegas. Her all her family is still there. So we're now within reasonable driving distance to to her family, and we've definitely already taken advantage of it in the short time, not even the year that we've been here, we've we've seen them quite a bit. And it's great. Uh, number one, I I get along with my in-laws, so I actually enjoy my time. I'm not one of those like, oh, you're gonna see your in-laws. No, it's it's it's great. We we get along, we have so much fun when when we're all around each other, and so much so that uh truthfully, I think Las Vegas is where my wife and I may end up retiring or living long term after after I retire of the military. So yeah, so it's it every time we're we're there, and number one, we have help with my daughter, right? If my wife and I want to go somewhere, do something that we have someone that we know and we trust to watch her and be with her instead of out here finding a stranger, if you will, you know, or relying upon someone that we really don't know to watch my watch our little girl. Um, so the the the time apart from family has definitely been the biggest struggle. And yeah, when when I go home, as you kind of touched upon it, I I visit family friends, and they're either or near their family or they're they're around their friends, and I just see how they can just talk about and have those memories of all the time they spent together. I'm like, of all the great things that I've been able to do and experience in the military, the one thing that I really missed out on is that time with family and loved ones, right? 100% taking advantage of it when I can, either them traveling to where I was or I travel home. But that's been uh kind of few and far between, kind of depending upon the time, right? Especially COVID, definitely put it in paper on that. But that's when that blessing and a curse device became beneficial and that it enabled that connection again, that FaceTime, so you can still see the the faces of your loved ones and not uh have to rely upon traveling long distances to to see them.

Genevieve 46:58

So it is always funny when you get to talk to friends that are towards the end of their career and like like ourselves, that you know, people are really thinking about okay, where can I retire? That's of course veteran friendly, and where can I retire, maybe be near family? And like for us, um, you know, Huntsville, we were led, we felt God led here, but we are quite literally away from family. My you know, my parents are still in North Carolina and his my uh in-laws are in Washington State, so it is a few and far between when we do get those visits every now and again. And the girls are getting older now too, their teenage age and almost at the college age, which I don't want to think about just yet, but you know, we we're getting to that where um it would be nice to have the family in those milestone moments. But um I'm uh I'm excited for you because I'm on the other side looking at what not having to move after three years looks like. It's actually kind of fun at the same time. It's it's kind of fun, but it's also funny when um you know you get to that three-year mark we just hit it this past summer, and there was a moment where we all kind of laughed and said, We almost feel like we need to move again. We're getting kind of itchy, should we? We're just laughing about it, but it's just because that's been our life.

Adrian 48:07

You mean I get to stay for longer than three years? What is this?

Genevieve 48:11

Yeah, or or I'm tired of these people. Can I not move?

Adrian 48:16

I hope that doesn't happen. No, I I think when uh wherever we decide and we have yet to make a final decision, but again, it's kind of seeming as though we may choose one path. Um I think regardless, we're we're gonna we're gonna find the positives because we we know and seen the pain of moving and and all the as great as it is, truthfully, we we met some great people everywhere we've lived, don't get me wrong.

Genevieve 48:42

No, sure.

Adrian 48:43

But but we but it's always been some distance away from family to where it's required some travel, right? So to be in the same city, to where it's just a matter of minutes to to see them, I think that's what we look look forward to the most for sure. Yeah, but and uh I also kind of uh curious to know what it's gonna be like for me, and that's a don the uniform after wearing it for 20 years, right? I think that's gonna be uh uh a transition and uh something to get accustomed to in itself.

Genevieve 49:12

So yeah, no, Chris always laughs too, because he says, I don't miss the boots, I don't miss the uniform because I miss the people, absolutely. You'll always miss the people, but yeah, and even after three years, he's like, I don't miss the uniform, no.

Adrian 49:26

And he's growing out the beard too, right?

Genevieve 49:27

He's going oh he's loving that beard. That's a that's his pride and joy right there. So and I he'll be so excited to hear about it too. Well, Adrian, I want to say thank you again for reaching out because it was so exciting to get your message and you say, So when can I be on the podcast? So I loved, I love that uh I get to see you again and 24 years later get to talk to you in a a different uh season of both of our lives.

Adrian 49:54

Yeah, definitely a different type of conversation they they than you would have with your English, uh your English teacher in junior year in high school, right? You wouldn't have this type of uh in-depth conversation. And even on top of that, this type of conversation is is so rare as it is.

Genevieve 50:10

Yeah.

Adrian 50:10

You know, it's it's one of those that I think we we take for granted. I wouldn't say everybody, I think there are some that are really good at facilitating these types of conversations, but I think for me, we're just at least from for my wife and I, right? Living living this LA life and all the things that we have. It it's we're it's so busy. Um there's always something with with work or with our little girl, with with our daughter, that uh we just we we take those conversations for granted. You know, we we just want to just chill and and pause let our mind pause and and have that kind of uh moment to just relax. And part of that relaxing is not talking, or you know, not just amongst ourselves, but really with with others as well, you know, with family and all that. So it's again, it's uh for us, it's it's even with in the short time that I've been in this job, it's about being being present, being aware, right? Realising, okay, I need a I need to call family, I need to step aside from my job, I need to let that uh take a take a pause, if you will, not not be my priority right now, and be conscious to where you know again, you're you're talking, you're having these types of conversations with someone that, you know, if as great as it is, I like I said, this is your niche because you are so good at just getting getting the this information out and and having us share all the things. And it's and it's so natural. I think it I think that's the other as the other piece that resonated with with me listening to your previous episodes and seasons was I was like, man, this this seems effortless for her, right? You were talking about you you talked about your your career. I think you were working at a nonprofit, right, for a little bit, and you're just like this something just doesn't feel right. This isn't my my passion, and here you are. I like I said, I I really think you found it.

Genevieve 52:08

Oh, thank you. No, it's been a joy. Like I said, it's it's I have, you know, we all like I said, we've all have chapters in our lives that we've been through and we're struggling. And when we can finally get over that mask and go, hey, I might be smiling at you, but you have no idea. Just three hours ago, I was dealing with this, you know, and when we can open up and share more, it just brings a whole nother level of communication and connection with other people. And that's really what I think, even in my midlife. And I know you're not far behind me, but that midlife, you just you crave it more. You crave more of the real, you want more of the real, and you really want to slow down and take a moment and go, what really matters? Let's have these conversations because I'm not doing okay either, you know, and it it really just brings a connection that I think now more than ever we are.

Adrian 52:58

And I think that's honestly something else that you know, you mentioned what is it that I look forward to the most is I think having that ability to take that pause, right? And and see how how am I doing or how's my wife doing, how's my daughter doing? You know, we we 100% try to be there for each other as much as we can, but I think our professions distract us, if you will. Right, you know, and not only with uh with ourselves, but our loved ones, uh, family, friends, all of that. So I think that is something else I look forward to, is being able to just have that time to where I don't have an email to worry about, I don't have uh other things going on. Like my mind just sometimes doesn't shut off, especially when I had that first leadership job at my previous duty station. I there were moments and nights when I could not fall asleep because my brain would not shut off, it would not stop as conscious as much as I try to say, tell myself, all right, you need to stop, you need to focus on my breathing, so I can maybe I can fall asleep. I was having work dreams. I think maybe I did fall asleep, but then the the work was falling me into my subconscious. So yeah. Uh so it's just there's just so much. As like I said, it to take nothing away from my time in the Air Force. It's been so great, it's been so fulfilling, it's been so rewarding. And I'm and I'm doing the job that I wanted to do to finish up my career. You know, it's it's it's come so full circle. I got to fly the aircraft I wanted to fly. There's so many things that have come through for me, and I'm so grateful for. And now, yeah, it's it's starting to take that next step or at least look forward and say, okay, what where where can I go next? Right. I think that's that's the other piece is giving myself a pause, but not getting stuck either, right? Be continuing to find something as you did. You know, find find my passion, find my niche, find that thing that can keep me going, keep me motivated, not just kind of a bump on the log or a couch potato. I'm trying to convince my wife to let me be a stay-mo dad after I retire. I don't I don't think I'm winning that. I'm not very persuasive with that one.

Genevieve 55:12

I was gonna say though, I mean, Chris did it for three years. He was the stay-at-home dad. He actually loved Costco and commissary shopping. I mean, that was his thing. So, I mean it was nice.

Adrian 55:23

She's pretty adamant that I that I'm gonna be employed in in some way.

Genevieve 55:26

So, when someone is listening to this episode, what is something that you hope will resonate with them or that they can take away from your own hidden chapter?

Adrian 55:34

Yeah. To give yourself and others grace and empathy.

Genevieve 55:40

Mm-hmm.

Adrian 55:41

Right. To know, again, don't expect perfection. Because truthfully, perfection is uh is unrealistic. Instead, and this is something that I that I'm telling my cadets now, right? Is don't expect perfection from yourself because you'll never truly achieve it. Instead, strive for excellence. That's why one of the Air Force core values is excellence in all we do, not perfection in all we do. Because it's not realistic, and the empathy piece, the empathy piece kind of ties in everything from the beginning of my time as far as the bullying in elementary school, that transition in high school to the new school, that perseverance that I learned, and also having some struggles as well, right, with kind of the cultural differences, I guess I can put it that way, that I experienced uh at in high school into my college years and then my Air Force career, is that in so many cases I've seen that empathy is so important, and that you you need to find that way to be open, honest, unfiltered, not only with yourself but with others, so that you can share that perspective. Don't be so close-minded that you don't try to relate to others or empathize with their situations just because that will enable you to be present, to be passionate, to be positive, and that's truthfully helped me in in so many ways, kind of living by those two words of grace and empathy. That's good, knowing that I'm gonna mess up, I still do to this day. I'm still learning every day is is a learning experience, it it truthfully is. But then that I also don't be my own worst critic and bringing myself down when I make said mistakes and said I own it, I learn from it, and I go forward.

Genevieve 57:55

Right.

Adrian 57:56

But then I share that experience with others as well, especially with my cadets, right? I and I I not only share with them my negative experiences, but also excuse me, also the positive, because both of those will again give them those examples and those scenarios, the situations that hopefully they can relate to at some point in their lives if they haven't already. So, you know, if we can just do that for ourselves and others, it's it's gonna be an amazing experience for everybody involved, and and hopefully, you know, the the dynamics of the world can maybe adopt the that the mentality and and the mindset as well, you know. But what we can always do is just stay optimistic, and even if perhaps we have an interaction with another that is not uh give himself grace or empathetic, that we can continue to work with them, don't just immediately shut them off, I guess is the other big piece, right? Yeah, continue to work with them, yeah. Because it's never too late to change a mannerism or a habit, never too late, or personality trait or a character trait, right? Like it's always the the the slogan that I have for my cadets is at all times we will be too inclusive of myself, my staff, and the cadets be present, prepared, positive, passionate, and professional.

Genevieve 59:30

It's good, it's real good.

Adrian 59:32

Sharing that message, and we have it posted up now around the detachment to where they see it. Uh, every time we give a presentation or a briefing, it's the first slide they see, and it's the last slide they see. It's essentially what uh we call a place map, that they see it and that the message is clear what the expectations are, yeah, and what we will be at all times, inclusive, right? Not just you will be, but all of us. We will be all of us. And again, hopefully that they embody those character traits now because who they are now and today is the officer that they will be going forward in the Air Force or Space Force.

Genevieve 1:00:13

No, and that's great, and that's what you need in this next generation, right? I'm so grateful again we got to reconnect and that you shared your story with me because I know um you have so many different things that you've been through that it'll resonate with a lot of people that we I'm sure they'll get to hear. And uh then who knows, we'll we'll see what your next adventure brings, and then if there is another hidden chapter or just another chapter we can chat about, I'd love to have you on again.

Adrian 1:00:40

All right, take care. Thank you so much.

Genevieve 1:00:42

Before we close, I want to pause for what I call a hidden chapter moment. This is the part of the story that may not have been obvious at the time, but when you look back, you realize it changed everything. Adrian's hidden chapter wasn't only the deployment where no one checked in. It was the realization that you can look steady on the outside while feeling deeply alone on the inside. It was discovering how isolating leadership can be when strength is expected and struggle stays unspoken. Now, as an Air Force ROTC commander and instructor, he mentors young cadets who are stepping into leadership themselves. And in many ways, he's offering them what he once needed. If this conversation stirred something in you, if you saw parts of your own story in Adrian's, I want you to know you're not alone. For deeper reflection, behind-the-scenes thoughts, and more hidden chapter moments, you can visit my substack. The link is in the show notes. If this episode resonated, please follow, share it with someone who might need it, and come back next week as we continue uncovering hidden chapters that shape who we are becoming. Hidden Chapters exists to honor the stories we don't always see.