What If I'm Not Happy? (Episode 24)

You have the degree. You have the job. The struggle of getting to this point is over. 

So why aren’t you happy? In this episode, I delve into my personal thoughts and experience over why reaching a finish line doesn’t mean you’re finished, and the mindset shift you can focus on instead. 

#HappinessIsNotAFishYouCanCatch #LifeIsAProcess

Helpful Materials: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/purpose/202407/why-is-happiness-so-elusive

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindfulness-insights/202503/the-overlooked-and-misunderstood-arrival-fallacy

Music by NEST-BEATZ Official from Pixabay
Music by Aliabbas Abasov from Pixabay
Music by OctoSound from Pixabay

Transcript

0:12

Hello and welcome to the Thinking Ahead Podcast. My name is Rinaldo Stephens, and I'm your host on this journey to find out more and discover the truth about careers, college and finance. I was in my Kendo class the other day, Kendo being Japanese fencing, and my sensei, the class leader, said something I thought was interesting. He said, "If you're not happy while doing Kindo, you're doing it wrong." And I thought that was an interesting statement, because I do enjoy Kindo greatly, but I'm not always happy in the moment while doing it. Some people like the results they get from Jim, but they're not happy during their time at the gym, and also there are a bunch of little nuances that may change their experience, just like mine with Kindo. I suppose that is my personal viewpoint, but I consider enjoyment, long term enjoyment, and happiness to not always be the same thing. Chasing happiness, or feel good emotion, can get you in trouble. After all, you might be happy while eating chips, but the emotion and guilt you feel after eating party-sized Doritos, not so much, even if you were happy in the moment while doing it. Sometimes the happiness and enjoyment comes from the reward of doing a hard thing. Sometimes it's found in reflecting upon a situation, and sometimes it's life experiences that teach us how to be happy in the moment. Last episode I ended with the quote "man plans" god laughs. This is not to say that the most high looks down on us in the languages in our plans and attempts, but that we don't know what life will bring. This includes planning for our careers and work life. In today's episode, I'm just going to reflect and give my thoughts on satisfaction and life in general, and what to do and think if you don't find yourself satisfied at the end of college, or even your first few years of work. When all is said and done, we spend a lot of time thinking about our future prospects, past decisions, current and old majors, and a flurry of other career and financial decisions. Many students and adults at the end of their college and even in the workforce now constantly have the passing thought "Did I make the right decision? Did I choose the right major? Did I go to the right school?" And while hindsight is 2020, most consequences in life aren't based on a singular decision. They are based on a multitude of factors and decisions. You're happiness is the same way. Your likes change. Your desires change. You change. Finding the career that fulfills is about more than the knowledge that you obtain from a university or other program. The location of the job will play a role. I know personally I'm happier around mountains and where there are all the seasons. The people you work with will play a role. Do you want to hang out with your co-workers or can you not wait to get away from them? Company culture, business culture, all of these things will have an effect on what I call the happiness factor. The goal of college isn't necessarily how to teach you to do the one thing you plan to do for life and it's definitely not how to teach you to be happy doing that thing. The goal of college, or I should say one of the goals of college, as well as any other education program, is to also teach you how to acquire new skills, whatever they might be, and how to communicate with others to reach a similar goal. This is what you can learn in any type of schooling, apprenticeship or work. And more importantly, you can learn how to build relationships and friendships around a common goal. After all, no man is an island. I set out to be an animator at one of the major television companies in America. After a while of job searching and after hearing a few success stories and numerous failure stories of people in that field and searching in that field and industry shifts in that field. I looked at my skillset and my future desires and realized that my skills and demeanor could be used in other positions. Some positions where I had more control and wasn't left to the whim of the market. Over time, I also learned that I naturally floated towards leadership and I did also learn that I have speaking skills that I never would have considered an asset sticking in the animation realm. College didn't teach me this. Life taught me this. And life is not short. Well, I mean, it is, but at the same time, it isn't. While we may just be a vapor in the wind, there is still a lifetime of memories to create. Despite the modern mantra of life is short or yolo, most of us will live well into the retirement age of 65 or older. That's over 40 years of work. And with their retirement age rising, it might be more than 40 years of work. To expect us to continue doing the same thing and to have the same interest for all those years is not only becoming more unrealistic, but more impossible. Advances in technology and a now global workforce are changing our world faster than almost anyone thought possible. On top of that, you'll wake up to what your true desires are and what you want out of life, the more you live it. You may find out that you don't need to afford that brand new sports car to feel happy. You may see that you don't need fame, popularity or mainstream recognition from your work to feel satisfied. We are ever changing, just like our lives. And if you're living your life truly, you'll be ever learning about yourself and about what you like. Be you. Grow, learn, explore. I was saying all of that to basically say, if you didn't get it right after four years of college, don't sweat it. Most of us didn't. To add on to this point, let me recite a speech that I gave in Toastmasters a few years back. What is happiness? I said to the young girl interviewing me. The question lingered in the air as a confused and panicked look came across her face. I was being interviewed in the English village by a student who wanted foreigners impressions of living in Japan. The question she asked was, "Are you happy in Japan?" The reason I answered her question with a question was not because I was being clever or snarky. Well, maybe a little bit clever and snarky. But it was because the first answer that came to my mind was actually no. But before you become shocked about this answer, I have to tell you a dirty little secret. I wasn't happy in America either. At least, I didn't think I was. Travel with me back to 2015. I had just gotten married to the lovely Andrea. I was two years into my first quote-unquote "real" job, and I was being praised with room for a possible promotion. And I was in a band jamming out with friends on stage every other month. But I didn't feel happy. I felt that something was missing. This is a feeling that many people have in their lives. I felt the box of conformity shrinking around me and the walls closing in. Just like many people, I felt that travel would be the cure. After praying and thinking about it for a while, I had an idea. So, like, all men with crazy ideas, I went up to my wife and told it to her. We should live abroad for a while. And like all women, with husbands with crazy ideas, my wife turned to me and said, "Huh?" I explained that we should live abroad before settling down and buying a house and starting a family. You know, all of that American dream stuff. And I convinced my wife to apply with me to the Jet Program, which is an exchange program that lets you teach in Japan. I thought for sure an interesting couple that we both were, we both would be accepted. But it turns out that art majors aren't as wanted as education majors. So my wife got into the program and I was put on the waiting list. However, not being deterred, we both agreed that we could go over and I could freelance and try to find other work once we arrived in Japan. This is it, I thought. The chance to work on my art and freelance career, while living in a new country that I've always wanted to visit and live in, I have a chance at happiness. Unfortunately, two months later, after moving to Japan, I found myself in a kind of depressive slump, sleeping in late, staying up later, eating and drinking too much junk, all while not getting anything of real worth done. I was living overseas. I had the time to do my artwork and personal projects. So why didn't I feel better? Why didn't I pursue wholeheartedly that which I thought I wanted? That which I thought would make me happy? It was around November of that year when I realized something, no matter where you go, there you are. What this means is that you're in happiness, you're stress, you're in focused life, your disbeliefs, negative self-talk. That travels with you, travels with your body, in your mind. Some of those intangible and touchable things are always there, and it's very important to take steps to shake them off, not just run from them. Like many people, I saw the changing of my surroundings as a changing of my life. And this can work sometimes. If you have bad influences, rotten friends or relationships, terrible bosses, getting away from that environment is important, but it doesn't always work if you're chasing the wrong thing. And running from something. First, I made the mistake that most people make, and that mistake is searching for happiness. When in fact, I should have been and still should be searching for fulfillment, growing up we're told to chase our dreams, to see happiness. But we are taught little of fulfillment. Webster's dictionary says fulfillment is of the act of fulfilling or the act of putting into effect. The act of developing potential. Now, it doesn't say exactly what this potential is, but I'm going to put an emphasis on the word act. It is doing. You see, happiness changes. We think of happiness as a destination, but what made you happy 10 years ago? May not make you happy today. At 10 years old, a piece of cake and a canceled day of school would make you happy beyond comparison. But as an adult, that definition becomes a little looser, a little less clear, and maybe a whole paragraph of explanation needed. What makes us happy has changed, but fulfillment. That is a process. The act of putting into effect. The act. The action. In junior high, one of my favorite songs at the time came from an album called Happiness is not a fish you can catch. That phrase stuck with me, but it takes time and experience for your childhood proverbs to truly have meaning. We speak of happiness as if it's a place or a thing we can keep in our pocket, but it is our actions that determine our happiness. Think about it. Really, think about your happy times. In the moment, you may not have realized how blessed you were. It was only in times of reflection that you can really feel that positive emotion. Or maybe when you think back, you feel shame in not acting when you should have. According to BibleGateway.com, happiness is only mentioned in the new international version Bible six times. If you include the root word happy, you get 26 times. Duty is mentioned 32 times in the Bible. Fulfill and fulfillment together are mentioned 126 times while work is mentioned over 500 times. Actions and deeds. Today, I ask you to reframe your life. Why? Because you shouldn't be searching for happiness. You should be working towards fulfillment. Do you want a fulfilled relationship? Talk with your spouse and do things together. Do you want fulfillment in your work? Give the respect you desire and work as if you already have the respect you want. If those around you don't respect you, don't feel bad about moving on and acting on your desires, acting on your dreams. And most importantly, make time to do the things you want to do, the things that are calling to you. Don't always assume that you'll have tomorrow. The road to fulfillment is not an easy one. And you may never actually reach it. You may be unaware when you reach it until you reflect. It's kind of like the horizon. You always run towards it, but never reach it. And yet you feel better for not standing still. Just be sure to note your surroundings. Recognize the beauty in each step, and know that it won't last forever. Happiness is not a fish you can catch, but fulfillment is a step in the right direction. If you agree with any of what I said to in today's show, please leave a comment or send me a message with #Life is a process. I appreciate all of you listening to my podcast this past year. And as this is the 24th episode, I think I'll consider this the end of this season of thinking ahead. Don't worry, there's plenty more to come. I already have some interview schedule that will be coming up in the new season. But until next time, set your goals, do the daily work, find those things that fulfill you, and do the work on those. And of course, keep thinking ahead.[BLANK_AUDIO]