From Dreams to Reality and Regrets to Success - Part 4

Nate and Jeff reflect on taking loved ones and dreams for granted, holding grudges, and needing to verbalize problems—often through “rants”—to process emotions and find solutions. Using a Patch Adams analogy, they discuss getting stuck on problems, nostalgia for freer childhoods, and the challenge of helping kids become independent thinkers amid media influence and borrowed dreams. They note that role models like Mr. Beast can inspire giving and work ethic, while emphasizing that helping professionals often absorb clients’ failures and secondary trauma, learning to care without owning outcomes. One shares his son’s nightmare about finding him with a gun, which prompted an honest talk about feeling disconnected, reassurance, and a plan to meet regularly, highlighting mutual fears about losing connection as children grow. #MentalHealth #TherapistLife #Parenting #Resilience #Communication

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

You know, we we've had loved ones that have been there that have helped us bear the load, absolutely. You know, and one of the things that that that's been on my mind, and I won't get too much into this, is it's not only taking the time for granted, the dreams, also taking for granted the people in my life that were there. That are no longer a part of that.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

You know, whether it be death or you know, whatever the case may be. And, you know, the the the grudges, the the anger, all that negative crap. You know, I I tell my client, well, it sounds like you're emotionally constipated. Oh no. Hello, hypocrite.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

You know, those who can't do teach. Right.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

And those who can't teach teach PE. You know, and and it it it's so eye-opening. It's eye-opening to hear these freaking words come out of my mouth, or maybe out of our mouths.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

You know, uh I would say at the end of the day, how I know that I've spoken, I would say, words of truth is when I've learned something from them. Okay, I'm done with my rant.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Yeah, that's a good point. I feel the same way. Like, it's this is how I've been trying to explain it to people this week. Like, for me to be able to problem solve, I have to hear myself state the problem.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

And because as I hear it, then I then I start thinking about what I need to do. Yeah. And sometimes I hear myself and I'll be like, I need to suck it up and just take care of business.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

And other times I'm thinking about, okay, this is what I need to do. But if I didn't have one of my patent, you know, patent rants, right? Like, how much less would I get done? Like, you've you've seen both sides, you've seen me fully rant and figure something out, and then you've seen me just like hold it in, and it just like stays a problem for the longest amount of time. But like when I'm when I'm ranting, I'm usually the first one to come up with a solution too. Yep. Like, you know, but I have to hear it because that's just how I process. I have to hear it. That's why I help people. I gotta hear, I gotta have people tell me the problem, and then I can help them identify a direction. But if I like if I can't verbalize my problem, I can't I can't hear myself say it. And if I can't hear myself say it, I don't know how to help myself, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:31

You know who Arthur Mendelssohn?

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Arthur Mendelson. Sounds familiar.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

You ever watched the movie Patch Adams?

SPEAKER_01 3:42

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Okay, so he was the guy that said, How many fingers do you see?

unknown 3:46

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

Okay, you see where I'm going with this?

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:50

Okay. So often we look at the problem, and that's all we focus on. We can't look past it for the solution. You know, and I don't know how many times I've used that same analogy with clients. And, you know, even with myself, I can sit here and stare, but I can't see beyond. I can't see the the grand design of the plan of you know the Almighty Creator, or the dream that I had that's kind of fizzled away until, you know, uh, as I tell people, pull your head out of your butt and wipe the crap from your eyes. I've got to do that myself. You know, and and and I think over the last couple of weeks, it's been happening, I hope it's been happening more. You know, and the the joys, the the love, the laughter that that I think we used to experience when we were younger, it's still attainable today. It takes a bit more work to achieve because we've got, you know, we we see all the AI generated videos. Welcome back to the dude, welcome back to the 80s. I heard in 2025, da-da-da-da. No, my 10-year-old sending me videos like that. You know, and it's it's I'll be honest, it's it's kind of gut-wrenching at times, makes me sad. The those times are gone. You know, and and we've had conversations, you know, about that very thing. You know, it you know, what where would our kids be if they could go out and not worry about being, you know, kidnapped or you know, bad things happening, and go out, ride your bike until you know the street lights come on. Go climb, go climb the hill, go go hike out in the desert, and then come back. Make sure you drink water and all that. You know, the the free-range kid days are done. You know, however, on the flip side of that, the I I think maybe taking not just the physical aspect and applying that, but also the the intellectual piece, okay. So many of our thoughts are guided by media and others. How do we help our kids and ourselves become more free thinkers? See, this is way off topic.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

But we also I think we also have we don't have the same, like we don't have people dreaming other dreams, you know, everyone wants someone else's dream, yeah, yeah. Like they, you know, they see, you know, like hey, I I love you know, I love it. I look at there's some people I don't understand, they're just like they're you know, internet personalities or whatever, right? And um, you know, they're like people, you know, kids, that's what they want to do, you know, they want to be Mr. Beast. And and it's like that that used to annoy me. That used to annoy me in this sense of like always, you know, like I initially thought he just makes everything look so easy, you know. He's got you know, the hard work he's put in, he's got sponsors that throw money at him to do these things, but the more I watch it, like what he has done with his platform is give. Yeah, that guy gives as much money as he's bringing in, you know, like he's he's setting things up. He's like to watch these videos where he like goes in and just gives people these shopping sprees, you know, like $25,000. Get whatever you want, fill up your card on paying for it, like things like that. You you look at people, and there really are some great examples of people that are that they're like giving back, and sometimes we get annoyed with that at first because we don't see the bigger picture, and I think that like when I look at stuff like that, sometimes I think that's that's not such a bad person to want to mimic, you know, but like also his hard work's not seen on camera, no, but what I have seen, it's really interesting though. What I see with him is like when he sets up ways for people for him to be able to give people something, and they fail, they fail to do whatever it is to get the thing he's offering them, right? It makes him sad. You know, like it's really weird, and I don't know. I just got to thinking about this, but it's like there's legitimate sadness when someone fails to wrangle $250,000 from them, you know. He's like, all you gotta do is this, and they can't do it. And he's like, Yeah, and then he's trying to create new ways to do that for people, you know, and not just give it to them, like you still have to do this, and it just shows you he has this work ethic thing to him. Like he were, he's probably working really hard behind the scenes, it's the things you don't see, but you can see how much to go back to what you're saying, how much he he really wants to bless people, yeah. And I think like that's in the same light, like the best clinicians that you know, people in the helping industries, customer service, whatever you want to call it. Um reward isn't necessarily like what we like what we are gaining out of it per se. Like there is a lot to that, but I just mean like I don't always go back to this, like people always, you know, clients always want to tell us, like, you don't really care about me, you're just here for the money. That's like if I were here for money, I'd be doing I wouldn't be doing this. Like this, this is like at time at times it's soul crushing.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

Because we want to own the failures of our clients. It's the weird, it's the weirdest thing. I don't want to share the I don't want to share the victory with a client. I want a client to have that victory for themselves, it's their victory. But the failures? But I will I will fucking eat, I will eat so much of the failure and say and take so much of the failure too, and forget that whatever happens is on them. Yeah, like it's not, it's not me. Like I'll give, like, I want like, but I'm willing to I'm willing to eat the L with them, you know, and it's like, but I like really want nothing to do with the victory.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

I once had a client's dad that said, you know. I wish I could could take away all the suffering, the trauma, and all this away. I said, Well, hold on here. What would your kid gain from that? Absolutely nothing. He's not gonna learn anything. I I hear you, Jeff. You know, we we don't want our clients to suffer, we don't want them to fail. And and maybe this is more, I don't know, stone-hearted of me. Is, you know, it it was to the point, you know, very early on in my career, you know, as a staff, I had a kid say, Nate, you care too much. I really thought about that. You know, it it really I I I owned that. I owned the their failures that the hurt you know, to to the point to where it it was devastating. You know, and it the what I got from that was was the council to it's okay to care. They still need to own their own stuff. And and I know you get that. You you more than get that. It's it's natural to take that hit, you know. I'll I'll tell you that one after. You know, it the the the biggest fear I think that I have as a clinician is something you've already experienced.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

That's when I'm thinking about it.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

I've experienced it a lot.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Yeah. I won't I won't go anymore. But that that's I mean it not not only that, you know. I'm sorry, Jeff. We we can we we can shift.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

It's fine. It's fine. Stuff doesn't fall on me.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

No.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

It just makes me it just makes me sad for those families. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

No, the the w when we hear secondary trauma, it's a very real thing. You know, it's a very real thing. And and when when it's downplayed, it's irritating. It's beyond irritating. It's angering you know, for myself. You know, I I'm sorry, Jeff. We we can we don't need to go into this anymore.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

It's good. It's fine. It's it's shaped me. It it's shaped me. It makes me it makes me a better it makes me a better man. Cause it is it is it is the worst the worst feeling in the world. And but it means it means like I can't like I've already experienced the worst fear any of us have. Like I lived it, I've lived through it multiple times, and uh in the end it allows it allows me to do the work that I do without fear. And it's and it's not a regret thing. I don't see it as failure, you know, like it's struggle, struggles. I almost gave into it too, you know. Yeah, and I'm I've been lucky that I didn't accidentally do it to myself at times, you know, like but you know, I I I sit there and the pain and the challenges have made me stronger. They've built resiliency. And I I don't I don't even think I I don't even think I had a chance to tell you yet. Um but um you know my my son.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Do you want me to No.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

My my son had a a bad dream earlier this week. In his dream, he said he was looking for me, and he walked into my bedroom and found me with my gun to my head. And he he woke from this nightmare and he called me at work and he asked me if I was okay. And I was in the middle of a meeting, I wasn't thinking about it, I didn't know what was going on with him, and I just said I'll be okay. I was just thinking about work frustration, right? Yeah, I'll be okay. It scared the hell out of me. He showed up at work, brought me lunch, needed to sit down, cried with me. Yeah. And he took this opportunity and and he's like, I don't, he goes, I don't know what it means, Dad. What's that mean? You think you were worried about me? And he's like, I wasn't till I had this dream. Can I put my therapist hat on? He said, Yeah. Maybe you're feeling disconnected from me, because you and I haven't spent a lot of time together. He's like, we have opposite schedules. By the time when you get home, I'm at work. By the time I get home from work, you're ready for bed. When you get up in the morning, I'm struggling to wake up. He goes, You and I we usually make some kind of time to go do something. We haven't done that in a while. And I said, You're right, bud. Maybe you're just feeling disconnected. And that that fear in itself, that's your fire, you're you're worrying that you're missing opportunities because you're getting older and you're moving on with your life. And you're worried that we're gonna lose our relationship. And the thing is, is yeah, like I have that worry too. Like it's probably my biggest dad fear is that like when they leave the house, they won't care to connect with me anymore. But you know what what came of it is that my son feels safe telling me that he's worried about me. We made a plan to at least every other week, like, start meeting for lunch before he goes to school because he's got a weird school schedule, right? So, like we found some time where like I have an open gap in my schedule, usually, where we could go meet somewhere and have lunch, and so that he doesn't have to feel disconnected. Feels like we're having some time. But it just left me in everything that was going on. I just wanted to blame myself. I wanted to say, like, I'm working too much. Like, I'm working so hard, my kids are afraid, like I'm complaining so much, my kids are afraid I'm gonna do something stupid. And literally, when I asked my son, do you feel like I'm, you know, I know I've been working a lot of it and this, that, and da-da-da. And he goes, He was like, Yeah, dad, you it's weird to see you working from home. I mean, I know it's something you don't like doing, so I know it's important if you're doing it. He goes, I'm glad you choose to work from home. I know it's easier to be at work and do what you need to do. He says, I'm glad if you gotta do it, you're choosing to do it here. I don't think you're doing anything to disconnect. Our schedules don't match up well. And I just I said, well, we'll have to make a point to really emphasize to make time. And he just said, I would like that. I get that feeling, you know, it's like it was the same stuff I wanted with my dad. You know, there's a reason why, like, some of my fondest memories are me being at my dad's office, watching him do accounting. Accounting. But it was like sitting in there and watching my dad work, and watching my dad be able to work and still make me a priority.