A Year to Live

01: Darkness, Surrender, and the Poet Within with Sarah McCash

• David Morin • Season 1 • Episode 1

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A Year to Live 
Apprenticeship of the Unknown

Ep 1: Darkness, Surrender, and the Poet Within with Sarah McCash

In this first episode of A Year to Live, David Morin and Sarah McCash dive deep into David's life-changing experience of a darkness retreat four years ago. What began as a casual phone call between friends turned into a moving, unfiltered conversation that helped shape the very structure of this podcast.

As Sarah prepares for her own darkness retreat, she reached out to David to reflect on his experience. Together, they rehash his transformative journey of surrendering to darkness, embracing the unknown, and discovering the poet within.

This is not a polished studio interview. It's a real, spontaneous phone call full of raw, honest, and unexpected magic.

*A Note on the Title*
A Year to Live is inspired by the book of the same name by meditation teacher and author Stephen Levine. While this podcast is an independent project, the heart of this idea—that reuniting with your mortality can radically transform the way you live—finds its roots in his work. May this serve as a living continuation of that invitation.

Meet Sarah McCash
Sarah McCash is a Manhattan-based storyteller and death doula, obsessed with all things death, mortality, and soulful transitions. Her presence is equal parts deep feeler and curious seeker. As someone called to care for the dying, Sarah brings a refreshing enthusiasm to conversations about grief, fear, intuition, and awakening. She’s a member of David’s first A Year to Live cohort and has agreed to document parts of her journey through recorded conversations like this one.

In this episode, we discuss:

  • The Power of Surrender: Why facing the darkness and confronting our deepest fears can lead to profound personal transformation.
  • Darkness Retreat Experience: What it's like to spend days alone in pitch-black darkness, and how it can awaken new parts of ourselves.
  • Uncovering the Poet Within: How David realized he was a poet during the darkness retreat and the poetic journey that followed.
  • Intuition and Spiritual Growth: The importance of listening to your intuition and how it leads us to the places and experiences we need most, even if we're not "ready" for them.
  • The Sacredness of Darkness: How the darkness serves as an ancient teacher and a place of deep self-discovery.

Resources:
Join David's Cohort. If you're ready to explore your own mortality with a small group of other seekers like you, book a call with David here or send him a message on IG. https://calendly.com/morindavid9113/60min

 David on Instagram: @mor.intune

More from David Morin:

  • Listen to his previous podcast: Art 2 Heart 
  • Explore the mini-series on Spotify: Meet You There (co-created with a public media journalist)

Thank you for listening! If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe, rate, and review. 

What's up everyone? Thank you so much for being here. My name is David Morin. This is the Year to Live podcast. I am so, so excited to be doing this and I'm so excited that you're here. So for those of you who don't know me, for those of you who do, here's a reminder of for Journey here briefly. I am a former sales guy, turned poet, turned death doula turned prison facilitator toward. Embracer of the unknown and all there is to be uncomfortable by, I've got off the deep bend folks and there's no going back, so here we go. What this is is I recently opened my own container and cohort for people to explore this year to live process, to explore the question of what it would mean if you only had one year left to breathe, one year left of sunsets one year. Left of your morning routine or lack of morning routine, one year left of sleeping in right, 52 Sundays, however you wanna see that. And so in sitting with that comes a large degree of discomfort for many evolutionary and society reasons, which we will not get into right now this second, but. This containers where people just contemplate with that idea every day, and it's considerate a daily microdose of mortality for mother nature, if you will. And so a year to live, I would be remiss if I didn't say the inspiration is by this incredible meditation teacher, death doula, writer, poet, rest his soul. His name was Stephen Levine. He wrote a book of the same name called A Year to Live, and after working with so many people who were dying and sat bedside with them, he realized that almost all of them would faced with a certain reality, with a certainty of a diagnosis that they only have a few years, a few months, one year, six months, two years left to live that. All of them, many of them, most of them, I don't have a percentage. Most of them use this as a second chance at life. They said, oh shit, I've always wanted to travel and I've never freaking traveled, and I only have one year left to live. I'm traveling, I'm leaving my job, I'm getting a new job. I'm building my dream house. I'm getting a divorce. I'm tearing my house down. I'm gonna learn the guitar. What has been on your heart if you only had one year left to live? That is the point. So I took this class. It was offered through the, uh, the executive director of the Elizabeth Kubler Ross Foundation in Mexico. An incredible teacher, transpersonal psychologist, death doula, artist, speaker, thought leader, innovator. She's incredible. Her name is Wilke Roig. She facilitated this class. There was about, there's a handful of us in there, but during my year to live experience, I took it very seriously. I showed up every month halfway in tears, some, some months most, but I committed so fiercely to this idea because I wanted to learn how I can better serve people who I know are dying with my death doula hat on. And I had a profound healing journey through the process. And so here I am, I wanted to spread this to others and um, what you can expect here is I'll be talking to one person, maybe a couple outside of our monthly. Private group calls, but these would be more public calls or that we would just talk on the side to process what they're going through. Um, I want to be clear that I am not here to tell anyone what to do with their lives. I am not anyone's guru. I am a student of mortality. I have taken the front row seat. This is me being the nerd of all nerds and saying, I took notes and I'm gonna help everyone prepare for this test. Right. I haven't even taken the test. I'm just taking this class again and I'll probably take it every year for the rest of my life. But we are students of mortality together and all I am doing is helping others sit with this idea because it's so damn scary. It's so damn scary. And I am convinced that we all can arrive at our own answers. We all have very unique lives, very unique. Childhoods unique traumas. Unique. Unique wins. We all have very unique lives and we're gonna have a very unique dying experience when the time comes. And so this is up to us. It's up to you to to get your answers and find your own peace. And I believe that sitting with mortality, if this daily microdose is the key to finding that peace and stillness except. We need to be able to explore it and contemplate on it enough in a, in a safe and appreciated space. And because so many of us cannot tolerate these conversations longer than a few seconds, that's, that's where my superpower comes in. I'll sit with it. I'll let you roll in the mud with it and you can just, uh. Find some peace through it, some stillness, and I'll be here throughout the process. I know it's not super good selling point, but it's, I'm not even selling, it's just what I do. I help people look at the mud, sit in the mud, love the mud, and realize that they are the mud. Alright, so I will probably have another episode where I go more into detail, but I want to introduce this next, uh, this first episode. It started with a phone call from a wonderful friend of mine, uh, Sarah. Ash, I met her through another great friend of mine, Alvin, my desired doula buddy. Thank you, sir. For ever grateful for, for you for this connection. Um, Sarah and I hit it off immediately. Um, actually we were introduced via text last year at an end well conference, which is a conference for kind of death nerds and death workers. And, um, we didn't, I didn't realize I was at the same conference as her. I arrived at the conference while we were text messaging and I said, Hey, I have a busy weekend. Lemme just get to you next week and we can find a time to chat. I had a busy weekend'cause I would be at this conference and it turns out she was at the same conference, so we didn't get to meet there. I think we passed, we, we crossed paths once, but we reconnected shortly after and she is a part of this. Journey that I'm facilitating for people who want to explore their mortality with a pretend deadline of one year out into the future. And anyways, before that started, we were just having phone calls and we were having such great phone calls, and I've been having such amazing phone calls with so many people over the last couple years that I've been saying I need to record this phone call. And I never do this time I did. So this episode is a recorded phone call just on Apple record. Every few minutes you might hear like a little beep beep, beep beep, like super short minor that shows it's still recording. You might hear sirens, um, you might hear whatever it is on the phone call. It's pretty raw. I edit it as best as I could, but I wanted to leave it pretty raw for the most part. So thank you for being here. In this episode, uh, Sarah is exploring doing a darkness meditation retreat. She learned that I had done of one, so she called me to ask about my experience and I realized that it really do much justice to this experience and talking about it. So I'm actually really excited. She really helped me relive the experience of how much fun and sacred and beautiful and. Life changing. It was for me. If, if you're unsure what a darkest meditation retreat is, a darkest meditation is essentially where you, uh, are just in a pitch black room for one day, two days, three days. I did mine three days, um, like, like two days. But where you're just in a pitch black room, you have a shower, you have a bed, they bring you food without compromising light, and uh, you're just alone with your mind. So I did that in 2021. Um. And my life changed since then, and you'll hear in the rest of the episode. Thank you for being here. Enjoy this episode. Talk soon.

David:

mine's recording. Is it recording for you yet?

Sarah:

This call will be recorded. Okay.

David:

All right.

Sarah:

All right. That's cool. I'm excited. Okay. That's so funny. How I just recorded like that by accident. But, um, yeah, nothing's an accident.

David:

Nothing's an accident.

Sarah:

I know, you're right, I love that. Yes, you're right, nothing is That is my new mantra, nothing is an accident. Okay, yeah, I love that. Um, well, let me David, David, I have a question though, so Okay, did you do any prep work before you decided to do No, very little. Oh, I had a few months. You never did like, retreats? You never did silent retreats or any of that stuff? No,

David:

no, I never did anything. Yeah, I went straight for it.

Sarah:

No.

David:

Yeah. I, I mean, yeah. I mean, that was it. I had done some guided meditations. I was doing yoga, but I was doing a lot of guided yoga, but no, a lot of it was like, yeah, I'm not prepared to go in there, but it's what I got to do kind of thing.

Sarah:

What? So like, you know, okay.

David:

They had a screening call like you set up a call and you don't just sign up and show up like before you pay you have to set up a zoom call I think we had a zoom call or a whatsapp call and they just they okay I think we spoke for like 30 minutes They kind of wanted to hear where my heart was and what my intention for doing it was and stuff like that. And then, yeah, they, they recommended three nights for beginners and they, they wouldn't let Okay. Any beginners, um, book over that many days.

Sarah:

This is what like, baffles me. You said you were scared of the dark because I'm scared of the dark. How did you even like Yeah, I was really scared of.

David:

Is there a

Sarah:

reason why you're scared of the dark? Like you just, as a kid, always been scared of the dark? Yeah, just

David:

as a kid, I was always scared of the dark. Um, I was always scared of the dark. I, I always needed like some light on to sleep. Yeah. You know, I just remember sometimes as a kid, I think I would watch scary movies and then I'll just be terrified. And like, I, I have, you know, there's memories of like peeing my bed from being so scared and stuff. So like, yeah, I don't, I don't think it was. Completely rational anymore. I think it was just from childhood, and even I what I remembered vividly too is Growing up. We used to clean my mom's church or the church we grew up going to we would help clean it And so we'd go like on a random weekday to clean it And you're in this huge sanctuary, and when we turned the lights off, it was always terrifying.

Sarah:

I mean, in the church, I'd be terrified, too. I mean, like, there's a devil and an angel, that war. I guess

David:

so. I don't know, but I just, I thought about that when doing the darkness retreat. It's like, man, I was always so scared of church. Like, that was a holy place. Why, why was I afraid of the darkness? That's

Sarah:

so, that is so interesting. I love how you say, like, Why would I be scared of church? That's a holy place. That's so, that's so true. So true.

David:

Yeah Yeah, and then when I first got there There was a guide who walked in with me and he kind of showed me some, uh, breathing exercises that I could do during the dark. And he was there if I asked any questions, if I had any questions for him before going. And, uh he lit a candle and before he left, he's like, you can blow this candle out. Now you can blow it out later tomorrow. The choice is yours. This is your experience I was like, all right Stop

Sarah:

it. He just like give you a candle and you can like blow it out whenever you want There's no like

David:

oh my god. Well, I mean, yeah, we had a minute to sit down and talk and stuff and then That was kind of after before he left um,

Sarah:

but what was the room like i'm curious like like It's obviously this, the bathroom, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a

David:

bathroom. Yeah. So, um, obviously before I let it out, I kind of reorient myself in the room. Um, there's a, it's like kind of like a L shape, like a really thick, short L. Um, there's like a bed when you walk in. Um, there's like a table area where there's water up against the wall. And then there is a bathroom and a shower. They kind of occupy the same space. They're very close to each other. And I don't remember if there was a shower mat in there, but yeah, I was in the same place basically. Um, so I would always shower after using the bathroom just to play it safe. I

Sarah:

mean, this is so funny. Cause like, I was thinking like, okay, when the lights it's out, like. Then you had to reorient yourself kind of like feel your way through like yeah, well, you know Completely dark that is where my head went.

David:

That is where my head went. I was like, oh, I got to figure everything out Let me check everything out in my bags. And that was me trying to control the situation, you know Find out where everything is. And so I'm over here getting to OCD mode. Where's all this? Where's all this? Where's all this and then I just heard like this very calm and silent whisper amid all the chaos in my In my head and it was just like blow it out And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, who is that? And I was like, no, I gotta do it. It said it again. It started. Oh my goodness. It said it again. It was like, blow it out. And I was like, fuck. So I just listened and I blew it out right then and there. Okay,

Sarah:

so you blew it out. And then what, what was the initial first, like, body response or your mind?

David:

I felt consumed. I felt,

Sarah:

I

David:

felt, I felt baptized.

Sarah:

What? The moment you blew out the candle. Yeah,

David:

I felt consumed. I felt reunited. I felt whole. I felt peace. What? I felt like I got a big hug. It was insane. That was euphoric.

Sarah:

Wow. And then like, but like the, but the moment, the feeling that you felt before you blew out the candle, you were saying like, felt like OCD, you need to like, you need to control the situation. And then like that moment you blew out the candle, it was like you were consumed and baptized. That was

David:

surrender. That was surrender. What? That was surrender.

Sarah:

David, I

David:

cannot imagine. That feeling, that feeling was surrender. Oh my God. I just put two and two together. That was it. Yeah, I was experiencing surrender. I was like, none of it matters. None of it matters.

Sarah:

If that first second was like pivotal and so monumental, like I can't imagine the next like 72 hours. So, I mean, like, I mean, there's, there was no screaming, no panic attacks, no, like,

David:

Well, yes, there, there were. Um, but that was to, because I was dumb and so in my organ, I still tried to organize my stuff in the dark. You know, there was meditation pillows, so I made sure that I put a pillow at the, at each edge, because I, at each, at each edge of a wall because I didn't want to, um, stub my toes.

Sarah:

Yeah, yeah.

David:

So I was like, let's, let's pull number one, then I can roam around freely. And um. Yeah, I did that. I, I was like pacing a lot, you know, like you just learn to listen to your mind But I was dumb and I had taken some edibles with me some weed.

Sarah:

Yeah

David:

Yeah, I was

Sarah:

wondering if they allowed to take edible. Okay. Why was that a dumb thing?

David:

because well, so To backtrack real quick, when you said, like, if they would check, or, um, when I was first talking to them about wanting to do the retreat, I told them that I was also considering doing peyote, uh, peyote, um, during that same visit to Mexico, and they strongly discouraged it. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, you don't want to do that. And I was like, what?

Sarah:

What is it called? Like

David:

peyote, peyote? What is that? It's like a cactus. I think it's, I believe it's like a hallucinogen from, uh, uh, plant medicine from cactus. Or something like that. Oh my God.

Sarah:

I never heard of that. Okay. I

David:

could be wrong, but I know it's, it's a, it's another part of like Mother Nature's medicine out there.

Sarah:

Okay.

David:

And um, but they strongly discouraged it. And I was like, well, I'm trying to get like as much healing and reflection as I can get. And they're like, well, you'd be like, you might get more lost and visit two different teachers. Oh, wow. I was

Sarah:

like,

David:

oh sure. So I was like, okay, that makes sense. And they're like, the darkness is a very ancient teacher. It's potent. Oh my goodness. Enjoy and have the darkness on its own. You'll have plenty to learn and she's fucking right. It's like four years ago and I'm still learning from it.

Sarah:

But I love that they said the darkness is your ancient teacher. That what they said.

David:

The darkness is an ancient teacher.

Sarah:

Oh my. God, I never heard of that way before. Okay, so what, so what happened when he took the edibles? Like he had two different, what? I started freaking the fuck happened, the

David:

fuck out? When the paranoia came in, oh, I was freaking the fuck out. I was like, well,

Sarah:

what did it look like? A freak? I'm like, freaking out too. Like, you're alone in the dark, in silent. Like,

David:

yeah, I was freaking the fuck out. I was like, oh my gosh. I'm I, I just. Help them kidnap me. I was like, I'm locked in this room Um, I was like what's gonna stop them from coming in when I'm sleeping and actually kidnapping me I was like not a damn thing. And so like there was water jugs, you know, there's big five gallon water jugs. Yeah, I Was moving them in the dark to cover the table or to cover the entrance? I was like if they come now, they're gonna come up against this water. I'm gonna hear it. I'm gonna hear it And I was doing that. I was freaking out. Like I cheated. I got on my phone and I was looking up reviews and I was like, bitch, you did this. I was like, you did all this already. You're sick. You did all this before. And then I called a friend. I called a friend on WhatsApp and I was like, Hey, could you look up reviews here? I think I'm being kidnapped.

Sarah:

Stop it. Stop it. I love it.

David:

He's like, you're just freaking out. I like had to bring myself out. I was like, no, no, I'm fine. This is what you wanted. I'm here. So it was awful. I was panicking a lot. And then I eventually, like I turned on the candle again for a little while.

Sarah:

So they let you turn light up the candle again. Like what a match?

David:

Yeah, I found the match. Well, I had my phone. So I use that as like the light

Sarah:

I always wonder how do you find the match? Okay, awesome. Yeah,

David:

or I would just set it where I Okay, you know, but um Yeah, and I just fell asleep and I kind of slept it off and I was like that was dumb Oh

Sarah:

my gosh, yeah Okay. So the first, that was a crazy 24 hour journey. The first 24 hours. The first 12 hours.

David:

Yeah. The first 12 hours.

Sarah:

Okay.

David:

Yeah. And then

Sarah:

you slept and then when you woke up, I'm curious, like, like, because there's no sense of time or, well, you had your phone, so you could like, are there's rules that you can have your phone for time or? No, no,

David:

obviously you're not supposed to have your phone. Um, you're not supposed to have any kind of light. And so, I, you know, I was just exposed to my mind. I had a front row seat to my mind. And I was just like, I was obsessed with the time. I was obsessed with the time. Because I woke up and I was like, what time is it? What time is it? What am I going to do? Like, is it breakfast? What's going on? What time is it? What time is it? And then I couldn't decide on doing anything because I didn't know what time it was. Cause it's like, Oh, I might want to, I might want to meditate, but it's like, Oh, but if they're going to come, I don't want to meditate yet. So I was just going around in circles and circles and circles. And then I was like, what the fuck does it matter? I'm here for two days. Oh

Sarah:

my

David:

goodness. Yeah. You know, um. Kind of just like seeing it for what it was, and it's like, what the fuck are you going crazy about, dude?

Sarah:

Oh my goodness. So then like, were you able to surrender to time at some point? Or you like Um,

David:

well, I, I think taking naps helped. I remember taking a lot of naps. Okay. They, they told, they told me that, um, that's what the body would naturally do. That normal

Sarah:

body would naturally be quiet. Yeah, that's what I was wondering, like, okay. Yeah. It's like

David:

going into the womb. Oh

Sarah:

my goodness. I love that.

David:

Going to the womb. Yeah, you're going into the womb. And, um, yeah, so I took some naps. I took a lot of showers. Um, I would do meditating. That was when I did the who am I meditation. Um, I just sat on the meditation pillow and I was just asking myself over and over, who am I? And, um, you know, like when they teach us to meditate, it's always like, you know, just acknowledge those thoughts that come in and let them go and return to the breath, return to the breath. So every time I was doing Who Am I, I would say Who Am I out loud, I would have a bunch of, um, lines and rhymes just like come to my mind, you know, like I was, because I had just started writing poetry like, like two or three months before that. And so it was consuming me. I had even written poetry right before going in. Oh, wow. Okay. So I do this Who Am I meditation and like, fuck, it's just nothing but poems, nothing but lines. And I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I'm trying to meditate. Like, and it's like, they were coming even louder and faster. And so I just like kind of put two and two together and I was like, Oh shit. I'm a poet. Oh my

Sarah:

God.

David:

Out loud. I fell back, like, on the floor, I felt pushed down by the energy of it, and I felt consumed again, like, that baptism feeling, I was just laughing so loud, and crying, like, in the fetal position, it just, like, it felt like a reunion, I was like, this is who I am, I'm a

Sarah:

boy! Oh my god! Wow!

David:

Yeah, it was crazy. And so that was just euphoric for a few hours, for I don't know, the rest of the night. I couldn't even tell you what day or time that was. Um, yeah, that was, and I was like, oh shit, this is what I came here for. Like, this is what I came here for.

Sarah:

Wow. I'm just processing this all in, like, um, you know, like, I just imagined, like, you know, I was just thinking, like, how you were, like, um, you know, meditating, and you're like, get my thoughts up, my rhymes, my poems, and meanwhile, you're like, who am I? Who am I? And then you realize, oh my god, I'm a fucking poet. And then, like, I mean, like, oh my god, just like that paragraph, just like that scene, it's just so powerful. That's such a You know, ourselves at war with each other, you know, like trying to like, and then somehow try to embrace those two worlds, like those two parts. Um, wow. That's so crazy, Dave. Beautiful. Like, just like this, you know, that this awakening, realizing that coming to your heart, this is who you are. A poet, David, I am a poet, you know, and then like, and then you fell backward and baptized again. Motherfucker. I had a couple

David:

of, uh, I had a couple of soul orgasms, I guess,

Sarah:

I think it is soul orgasm. Can I ask you a personal question? You don't like do people like masturbate there or they're like against like, I'm just curious.

David:

I did. I did. Well,

Sarah:

are you not allowed to? That's like a natural thing. No, you can do it.

David:

I

Sarah:

mean, yeah. Okay, I was wondering, I'm like, I wonder if like, Maybe you probably

David:

wouldn't want to, but you know, there is, there is something to be said about also having a very healthy and, um, sacred relationship to our sexuality.

Sarah:

Oh, totally. They say it's like a portal, like another way of, um, you know, embracing, the sexuality in yourself is also another way of connecting to oh, yeah God yourself, but I was just like, oh when you said soul orgasm. I love that soul orgasm Yeah,

David:

you know i'm glad you asked but that was actually That's probably been my most, I don't know, like enjoyable, memorable experience ever doing it.

Sarah:

Oh, that's so

David:

special. I was like, Oh shit, this is crazy. And then just went back to defiling it with porn, but we're only human.

Sarah:

Oh my God. I love it. So this is now the second day, right? So the second baptismal, the second day, I think

David:

is by the second day where I experienced that because. So I was in there. I was in there two nights. I was supposed to be in there three, but there's actually a Misunderstanding or a mistake when I first got there And I was it was starting a day later than I had planned and expected

Sarah:

Okay

David:

So if I had remained with the original plans I would have gotten out of that third day that that morning

Sarah:

and gone

David:

straight to the airport Oh. And I was like, no, fuck no.

Sarah:

Yeah. I mean, I, when I said, Oh, I'm like, Ooh, that's like, I don't know. You might go to PTSD going straight to the airport from

David:

exactly. I need time to integrate and just process. And so. Right, right. So I got out a night early. I decided to do it like last minute. I knew going in that that was going to be my last night and the next morning. Okay. And I was like, how did you do

Sarah:

that? Did you like, like, Hey, like, I didn't wait. I just left. No,

David:

no one was there. So I just left. I left the money in like a cash thing and I sent them a message. Oh

Sarah:

my

David:

God. Yeah. I just left. Um, yeah, I felt like I'd gotten what I went for after the poetry, like baptism, you know, I was like, that's what the fuck I came here for. I was like, let me get out of here. Let me go enjoy the beach and I'll go home tomorrow.

Sarah:

Oh my goodness. So let me back it up a little bit. So when you got out, like. Do you remember what your body felt? Your mind? Like, everything? Like, like, this, I mean, I don't know. Like, now you're out of the womb. I felt

David:

high. I felt high. I just felt so high on life. Like, I couldn't, I couldn't really, I don't know. Like, I just, I was so excited. I was overwhelmed with life and, like, with joy and purpose and love and, yeah, it was just such a big natural high. I remember just going to the beach, walking around, and it's like, I was, I had too much energy to just sit. I was freaking out. I should have, I should have written, but I just went for a walk, and I remember recording a video. I'll probably look for it. I recorded a video talking to myself and posted it on my Instagram at the time, I think.

Sarah:

Oh, that is amazing. Are you allowed to record yourself, like, in the silent retreat? You know, like, just like, ordinarily? I think you

David:

can. There's, um, there's, uh, Aubrey Marcus. He had, he had made, like, a documentary of his darkness retreat.

Sarah:

Oh, okay. I

David:

personally wouldn't. Okay, why? Well, unless I knew I could trust myself to, like, Actually not change my behavior because of it, but I feel like I feel like subconsciously if you know, you're being watched I don't know. It's like are you gonna that's so true.

Sarah:

I didn't think about that. I probably like don't forget to subscribe

David:

People can do that like maybe my I'm just not at a level of my relationship to my ego or whatever Right some people can I will need more time, but if I do it again, I would do seven days

Sarah:

What the fuck seven days David

David:

I think so

Sarah:

you said seven

David:

yeah,

Sarah:

there's seven days Okay, I I'm gonna I mean

David:

There's seven ten, you know, these were initiations back to the day of our ancestors. You'd go into a cave for a month. Oh

Sarah:

My god, I mean that that's I you know, it's amazing, you know, it's so crazy and like The way that you did it, I love it because it's like, at the end of the day, it's your intuition, right? It's your intuition, the higher call, it's calling you.

David:

And I think if there's gonna be a sub step of having to be ready. It's not your intuition. That's where you like you become louder than your intuition because you're never fucking ready Every fucking great story of anyone who followed their their inner calling, They were never

Sarah:

fucking

David:

ready

Sarah:

That's so true. I love that. Thank you for the reminder. You're right like Every great leadership, every great person that would never read it, or didn't want to yet, and then, like, surrendered. They didn't

David:

want it, or they were just thrust into it. Yes. Um, the, yeah, the doing is the, is the preparation. You become prepared in the doing.

Sarah:

Mmm. I love that. Can you say it again? In the doing?

David:

You become prepared in the doing.

Sarah:

God, like, but so how old were you when you did the silent retreat, the dark retreat?

David:

I was 20, 28, 29, 30, maybe I was turning 30. You know, it's funny. I did it during 4th of July weekend. So that was like my independence day.

Sarah:

Oh my God. That is so crazy. Oh my goodness. So you want to do it again? Like, I think it was awesome. I think it was inspiring that like you were able to do that. And like, um, I love your process. No, I was thinking about it the past week. I was like, Oh my God, I kept thinking about it. And all my friends are like. Even my former therapist like almost had a heart attack when I told him and he and he does like 10 days silent retreat And he's like he looked at me like he's like hey, I mean, he's ready white and he got more white I was like Josh and he's like Sarah I was up that exists. I'm like, yeah um Interesting

David:

how, how, how, it's so scary for everyone and when you get to the bottom of it, it's like, you're just with yourself, why is that so sca The fact that that scares you should scare you!

Sarah:

I, I know, but you know what, I'll be honest with you too, I'm scared of finding myself again, and you know, like, um, I'm finding the Sarah that the child, like Sarah that I was before. And then I know the type of person I am is that once I know, like, once I'm awakened, I cannot go back. I will go a hundred, I give a hundred fifty percent and like being in this journey, you know, and it's like,

David:

So is it part of like the, you know, Cypher, I think Cypress or Cypher in, in Matrix where he's like, I want to go back. Like, I want to stay asleep. Ignorance is bliss.

Sarah:

Sometimes, yeah. Like, I remember telling my guide, like, Man, like, this awakening part of remembering, like, you know, I'm assuming, like, we all go in the stages of awakening, right? Stages of spiritual, like, um, You know, spiritual growth, like in every cycle that we go through. But, um, and I, I remember saying, wow, it's a, it's a little lonely. Like, you know, was it this better? Was it really good? But then I know in my heart and soul and like. No, this is the right thing. This is like, um, this is the reality. Like, this is the real, you know, like, experience of full joy and love and grief and anger. This is the real thing. Um, I just know, like, I will even go further and, and, Love life even more. You know what I mean? I don't, I don't know how to explain it, but it's like I can't, it's like, I guess it's like a relationship, right? Yeah. Like you're just dating and as time goes, you get really invested in it and then you put more energy into this and like, um,

David:

so I'm what it's calling you. What, what's calling you to go?

Sarah:

I don't know that there's part of me that's part of me that's scared of the, like, how strong I am. Like, I'm, I think, I don't know if I believe in past life, but I do, I believe in everything. I believe, like, somewhere I was a fighter, a fighter and a lover at the same time. And so, I'm trying to like, figure out what that means, what that looks like. Um, and I think it's, um, I think like part of me is like, I wake up so many times and I'm like, Oh my God, I'm a storyteller, but how do I tell stories? Like, how, how is this going to be a life? Like, how do I like, you know, make a living out of this? How do I, you know, like, and I get all in my head. So actually next week I'm going to a storytelling workshop in Miami, which I'm like. Kind of like not excited just because um, I met some of the people there through zoom And i'm not trying to be like, I I don't want to be Not i'm not saying judgy, but it's like the questions they asked like we had to do a cyber david Like the questions are like, what are three things you value? What makes you feel alive? and like I was just kind of sad by the responses the response was like Um, seeing my business thrive makes me feel alive. Um, and I wanted to like, yeah, that's great. But what's more like once you, once your business is gone, what makes you thrive? What makes you alive? Um, and then I realized, oh man, I'm probably at the wrong storytelling. I realized I looked it up, David. It's like a storytelling conference for those who are like already have the life coaching business. I didn't even realize. I was like, fuck, I'm in the wrong one.

David:

Well, hey, there are no, there, there are no accidents. Do you remember? I know

Sarah:

that. Oh, you are right. I love that. Thank you. So, um, well, there, obviously,

David:

obviously there could be, but listen to your intuition. Like, well now that, you know, it's like a mistake, your intuition still might be, Hey, I don't give a fuck. We're still going

Sarah:

Yeah, well, I'm gonna buy'em and it's gonna be warm. You know, here it's fricking cold in this New York City. I'm like, oh my God. But no, I, I think it's just like finding my. My ground again, you know, and then I know this time around, like, I am going to go like, I'm, I'm 100 percent committed, if not even more, just like, um, but I think it's, it's just like, it feels so fast. I'm just so shocked how, like, um, everything's already lining up. I just, I just can't grasp. I just can't hang on. Like, I, so fast. I'm like, oh my God, like, it's, it's happening. Like, it's, it's, um, I'm here. I'm, I'm, I'm following my intuition. I, I, right now I'm really following my tuition and a lot of people going against me. It's so crazy. Like there's my old friends that I love and dearly are like, I don't know. It's just not in the same. Um, I mean, they love me and I love them, but it's just like, they have a lot. I'm rightfully so they have a lot of like, um, concerns. And then like God brings new people in my life, like spontaneously. I'm like, what? Oh my God, I needed you. Like my new soul sister that I met, like my new soul brother and stuff. But, um, but it's like been such a gift at the same time. But anyways, yeah, so the dark retreat was in my mind the last like couple weeks. So I was like, oh my god I'm gonna call it

David:

Especially if it's been that long. That's I think that's how you also know when it's really your intuition Like you said it's been two weeks if it if it wasn't intuitive calling you probably let go after a few days But because it's like lingering and still there, you're like, oh fuck no, this is a real desire that I have to follow.

Sarah:

Ah, okay. That's how I

David:

interpret it, you know, like, I think, I think there's certainly like a learning curve to knowing when it's your intuition. It obviously smart starts with like small decisions, but I, I knew for me that I could trust it was my intuition for the darkness retreat because I had that feeling already when I did the peace core. I didn't, I didn't know why I was doing the Peace Corps, but like I followed that feeling that was tugging me. It was like, no, this is what we have to do. Trust me. We have to do this. And I was like, all right, I'm trusting that. And like that experience was insane. I didn't really heal completely out of that until. Like through the darkness retreat is what really helped bring me so much healing because that that experience broke me for several years Turned me into a shell, but it like ripped me open.

Sarah:

Oh Wow So did you do the Peace Corps like right before you went to the silent retreat? No, the Peace Corps was

David:

from 2015 to

Sarah:

Oh, okay. So you did for a couple of years. Okay. Yeah.

David:

And then I was, I was kind of, uh, I was in a pretty dark place from like 2018 to 2020, 2021. Oh,

Sarah:

wow.

David:

Um, and then that's kind of, and then I started writing and that started giving me a little bit of life. And then the darkness retreat. And then from there, a year after the darkness retreat, I quit my job.

Sarah:

Wow.

David:

Wow. And then, um, yeah, a year, like, I don't know, I want to say like a year and a half. It's funny that you mention that and maybe it's the direction you're going, but I think a year and a half after my Darkness Retreat is when I Explored a past life regression for the first time and that was also an insane experience, which connected me back to the darkness, actually, which was insane to give a little teaser. Oh my goodness. Tune in next week to David and Sarah.

Sarah:

I know, seriously. You're gonna be something. You know what? Okay. I imagine my dark retreat. I think I'm probably going to scream for like 24 hours. I don't know, I what,

David:

even if that's your experience, if you're okay with like just accepting that being your experience for a day, then like so be it, maybe it's what you need to get out of you, you know?

Sarah:

I mean not like scream, I think I'll be screaming out of terror, I'll be so afraid. I mean like, I mean this is why I'm afraid of the dark. I mean, um, yeah, a combo of like watching scary movies, but there's another part of me that's afraid of the dark. I feel that I don't know. I, I sense energy and I'm afraid of the energy that I will sense and feel. And so, and a lot of it comes in the dark. I just never embraced that. I always thought it was like, you know, in the Christian upbringing, especially SDA it's considered dark and demonic or all that stuff, but I don't know. But, um, Yeah. So I'm afraid of like, what will, what will resurface? Will it be my head or will it be real? If it's real, how do I embrace it? You know, but

David:

that makes sense. Um, that makes sense. I can definitely relate with my religious upbringing as well. Um, you can get a blindfold. I took a blindfold. I started actually, I guess I lied. I did prepare with a blindfold.

Sarah:

Okay. Where did you do it in your own room? Or,

David:

I mean, I would just put the blindfold on for like 10 or 15 minutes at a time just to get small doses. Okay. Just like when I wake up, I would do that and I would just, I don't know. I would kind of just like re envision where everything in my room is and just start practicing that kind of spatial awareness.

Sarah:

Okay, I mean my best friend Kurt, he's so crazy. So Sarah, why don't we lock you in a basement and like, I was like, no, you're not gonna lock me in a

David:

basement. No, don't associate anything traumatic with it, um, more than I swear I already do. But it's called the Mindfold Blindfold and it's got like a styrofoam. It's got a styrofoam, um, filter to it kind of and uh, it's not comfortable to wear for like super long periods of time. But it does eliminate all light like you can look straight up at the sun and you won't see anything.

Sarah:

Okay. That's very cool. Thanks for sharing that. Okay. Oh, man, that was so, um, thank you for sharing your experience, man. Like, it really helped me like, it validated a lot of my, my fears and like, my curiosity to and like, um, And I can't wait for you to do seven days. But if you, if you could, if you're really a poet, I wonder what else is out there for you in seven days, like, like, seriously, like there's going to be like. Some other like another part of David that you didn't even know that was part of you or you probably did

David:

I would be in like major receiving mode At least that would be my intention even though I would have that intention with a lower intention and be open to whatever comes up, you know, but After three days is when the DMT in your body will be naturally start kicking in. What is DMT? DMT is an ingredient that's in a lot of other hallucinogens of plant medicine. Like our body can, can create it organically under the right circumstances. And, and if you're in darkness after three days, that's, that's a circumstance where it'll start happening. So basically from, from what I've read and what I've heard. From days four to seven, three to seven, will just be like a lot of hallucinations and like a lot of insane soul journeys of just experiencing, it's, it's basically like, well, like what a plant medicine would do or darkness is just an organic way of getting there.

Sarah:

Oh, wow.

David:

Yeah. And so from day four to seven would be a fucking trip and a half. So that's, that's what I kind of want.

Sarah:

Yes, I, I think you're the right person. I guess. That's what I feel ready for, at least. I'm happy to hear your story. What?

David:

That's what I feel ready for.

Sarah:

Okay, dude. I, yes. I totally, totally, um. Rooting for you. I really I'll be rooting for you on the sideline But um, oh my god, David I think that's like is that are you gonna do at the same place where you did it at?

David:

Yeah, there's like a different owner. It's a new probably because it was also very hot Like I think that was just a feature but there's an AC in the pictures, you know, and I was like, oh I'll be able to have a little it was hot in that

Sarah:

room

David:

and I get there and they're like, hey the AC is broken It is what it is. You don't have to stay but you can still stay And I think that's just kind of what they told everyone, like, Hey, you want to do a darkness retreat with AC? Get the fuck out of here.

Sarah:

Oh my God. That is so crazy. I don't know if that's what it

David:

actually was, but yeah.

Sarah:

You did it. Oh my goodness. Well, like my last question. So, like when you were in the darkness, what did darkness look different from what you did? Darkness have it come in a different form, a different like senses. Yeah. When you're in that in the darkness for that, you know for two days,

David:

I mean, it was just all encompassing I don't it was everywhere. I don't uh

Sarah:

Okay. No, I was just wondering like what if it looked different if it's the same and you know, like, um Um, yeah, I was just wondering about darkness, like what would it look like? Yeah, no,

David:

I think at one point I fooled myself into thinking I can see the wall in front of me or something like that, you know, or and I would reach for it and I would like kind of trip. I was like, oh, there's nothing there. I guess my mind's just trying to make something up, but I didn't see anything. Like it honestly was like the blindfold. If I turn the, if I keep the blindfold on for 24 hours, it would kind of feel the same. The energy would be very different. Oh,

Sarah:

wow. Yeah, for sure. For sure.

David:

Um, I, I would feel remiss if I didn't, uh, offer to share the poem I wrote before doing it. Yes. So, uh, this poem is what I wrote before and then the very ending of the poem, which I shared with you in a previous call. I think yes, you did. Um, that's, that's at the end. Okay. Do you want to hear the beginning part? Yes,

Sarah:

of course. Please.

David:

The sirens are awesome.

Sarah:

I know it's like New York city, man. It's like crazy. It's been going on actually for the last like half hour. I'm like, what's going on in New York.

David:

It's all good. All right, here we go. All right. I was going to take a deep breath. I'm going into the dark. I don't mean to sound so stark, but the darkness has called me more than anything I've embarked on. When I say darkness, I mean a pitch black room. Not where I meet my doom, but where I can face my doom. A place to confront my own mind without my phone, books, music, or sight. This was existence before coming into light. Before my mom pushed and pushed with all her might. Before I ever had a sense of what's wrong or what's right. This is how I meet myself and find my own light. To be honest, I'm terrified of the dark. I must be insane, but eventually I have to go against my own grain. At 29, I've never felt more misplaced. I'm living in this permanent state of disgrace, doing anything but looking life in its face. I swear my dreams are rich, but my ambition is lost I'm like that tooth in the corner that never gets flossed. I swear the world is my Rachel and I'm the Ross. I'm begging to be seen without considering the cost. Once I'm in the dark, I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably start by doubting my entire career and then imagine movie trailers for my new life's premiere. I'll feel like I'm losing my mind before reaching a new frontier. I read that after 24 to 36 hours. A higher consciousness appears. It'll give me new intuition to face my fears and the wisdom to transform all of my years. This is my way of confronting death. My final destination, but I live like infinity is left. Can't you see? The darkness will be there at the end. After my thirst to live devours my why, Once the water to my river runs dry, And when tears of love are all I can cry, The darkness will be there whether I'm ready or not, So before I go back, I have to know I've given this all that I've got. The darkness was a mutual friend that introduced me to myself. It gave me a hug and showed me where I lost the remote to my soul. I once threw it into the black hole of yesterday after I put my heart on mute and ate a tub of what ifs while binge watching my regrets. David, are you still watching? No, I'm listening.

Sarah:

Oh, I love that fucking poem. I'm like, Oh, like everything melts inside. Like my body's like, Oh, I can breathe. Oh, thank you for sharing your gift to this world and being you and claiming yourself and finding who you are, David the poet. Thank you. Really, thank you.

David:

Thank you. You've really helped me to re experience how beautiful all of that was.

Sarah:

Does it feel like it was like yesterday when you wrote that poem? Like, it sounds like It's like, it's like as if you were living in that experience. Like, I feel it, like when you share that poem. Yeah,

David:

it, it, it just takes a life of its own. And I remember just like writing it down before I got to write a poem. And that's what came in. And I was like, Oh shit. And yeah, I'm like, even towards the end, I had to just close my eyes. I was like, these words know me.

Sarah:

Oh, thank you, David. Thank you for taking your time. I appreciate it. I mean, so much. Of course. Ah, thank you. I'm looking forward to more, um, stories, more, um,

David:

yes, more, I'll tell you about the past life regressions.

Sarah:

Oh, what? Wait, what?

David:

The past life regression that I did.

Sarah:

Okay. Yes. That'll be our next one. That was

David:

insane. For sure. That's all good. I'm so mad.

Sarah:

I can't wait.

David:

And if you do the darkness Oaxaca, Mexico, so I can send that to you or. Maybe you'll find it. Yes.

Sarah:

Yes. You can send it to me. I'm open to anything for sure.

David:

Right on. And

Sarah:

I

David:

actually might want to ask to post this call as like an episode.

Sarah:

Yes. You know, I I'm serious. You know what it is? It's like, I realize like phone call podcast, like not podcast, but phone call. It's just like the most, it's just. Unfiltered and real and like, you know, it's just, I love that phone call conversation every time I'm talking to my dear friend, but oh man, I wish we recorded that. It was so good, you know, but now I'm like, when I heard Alvin, I was like, oh my God, Al. And then like, um, I'm like, okay, when I meet with David, I want to record a conversation. I think it's just, there's so much beauty and so much lessons and so much life in it. We got to

David:

loop Alvin into one of these. Yes, I know for sure.

Sarah:

Yes.

David:

All right, my friend. Thank you so much. I hope you came for

Sarah:

it. Yes. Likewise. Thank you for sharing being vulnerable. Appreciate it.

David:

All right. Have a good night. Cool.

Sarah:

You too. Okay. Bye.

Hey y'all. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If there's anything you'd like to hear more of, if you have any questions, uh, feel free to reach out to me on Instagram directly@mor.Intune, MOR dot NTUE. I'll also have a link in the show notes if you wanna send me an email if you are interested in confronting your own mortality the last day to join my group. Is Wednesday, April 2nd. So about a week by the time this comes out, which will be very quick. Um, I will be opening new ones or even doing one-on-one guidance if you're interested. Feel free to let me know. Follow the call if you got it. That's all we can do. Alright y'all, thank you so much and have a great rest of your day.