"How to Break the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle: Making Love Work When You Trigger Each Other"

In this episode, Shazmeen Bank explores the complexities of anxious and avoidant attachment styles in relationships. She emphasizes the importance of understanding these dynamics to foster compassion and connection between partners. The conversation covers how to navigate the anxious-avoidant trap, the significance of communication, and the need for both partners to work towards a secure attachment. Shazmeen provides practical tips for building autonomy, creating safe spaces for vulnerability, and recognizing patterns that lead to conflict. Ultimately, the episode encourages listeners to embrace their unique attachment styles while striving for a healthy, loving relationship.

Takeaways:

• Both partners can make the relationship work despite differing attachment styles.
• Healing attachment styles is a continuous journey, not a quick fix.
• Attachment styles are not fixed; they can evolve over time.
• One partner can inspire the other to change positively.
• Both partners must commit to the relationship for it to thrive.
• Vulnerability is essential in a relationship, especially for anxious individuals.
• Anxious individuals often seek constant reassurance and connection.
• Avoidant individuals may need space to recharge and feel safe.
• Creating safe words can help communicate needs without conflict.
• Understanding each other's core wounds can foster deeper connection.

I personally am rooting for you both. I know it can feel hard I know you may want to walk away. but if you both are willing and ready to get your hands dirty and do the work you both will not on win but build a really safe, deep, passionate love. 

If this episode helped you understand the anxious-avoidant trap better, or if you’re stuck in this cycle yourself, I hope you know you’re not alone, and it is possible to heal.

If you loved this episode, please take a second to rate and review the podcast it really helps me reach more people who need this message.

For more content on attachment styles, relationship healing, and emotional growth, make sure to follow me on Instagram and TikTok:

🔗 Instagram: @shazmeenbank
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You can also visit my website to learn about coaching and other resources at:
 🌍 www.shazmeenbank.com

And if you’d like to reach out directly, I always love hearing from you email me at:
 📧 shazmeen@shazmeenbank.com

Thank you for listening to Love Better. I’ll see you in the next episode. Love you!

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles
• 5:33 Navigating the Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic
• 12:16 Communication and Connection in Relationships
• 18:20 Building Autonomy and Independence
• 24:21 Creating Safe Spaces and Keywords
• 30:33 Regulating Emotions and Needs
• 39:32 Positive Intent and Relationship Growth
• 44:51 Breaking Negative Cycles
• 52:33 Navigating Communication Gaps
• 58:31 Building Secure Connections
• 1:09:46 Practical Strategies for Growth

Transcript

Shazmeen Bank (00:00)
Welcome back to the Love Better Podcast. This is your host Shazam Bank and you know that you can bank on me. And I am really excited about doing this episode on the anxious and the avoidant trap and how you both can be able to listen to this episode and really come out of it with some direction, deep compassion for each other.

and an understanding on how to start breaking some of the cycles that you both are going through. So let's get into the episode with the recognition first of all with the fact that both of you absolutely love each other. And both of you can absolutely make this relationship work even though you have two opposing insecure attachment styles. And the point of doing this work is that you both learn

to find the strengths within your current attachment styles and you're able to grow towards being more secure. Now the caveat with when we're growing to be more secure in our attachment style, whether it's from anxious, dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant, there are always going to be some triggers and tendencies that can pull us back sometimes into reacting.

in certain ways we might not be so proud of, but they're always a guide. Our reactions and the things that trigger us are always a guide to the work that we have yet to do within ourselves. Because we have to be so kind and easy to the fact that this is a journey. Healing our attachment style is not something that you complete in a month or it's not something as a couple you even complete perfectly within a year.

You're both constantly evolving as two different human beings. And then you have different life circumstances that are thrown into the mix of that relationship. Bring in your different cultures, bring in society, bring in religion. And the most important factor is the fact that both of you are never going to be the same human being. We end up

marrying or committing in a long-term relationship to one person when we meet them. When we meet each other, we're fascinated by the other person. We are so open. We are curious. We're playful. We're in our essences. We're in our feminine essence and in our masculine essence. But then as time goes on and the relationship gets more serious,

parts of our attachment styles start to get triggered. And a lot of the times we can end up thinking that I know my attachment style, I know that it's anxiously attached, so I know that I've probably attracted an avoidant or the avoidant is probably feeling I was anxiously attached, I don't know why I'm in a relationship suddenly that is pushing me to be more avoidantly attached. The point being

is our attachment styles first of all are not a diagnosis that something is wrong with us. They are a beautiful invitation into where we can start working with ourselves. I like to think of it as a aha like thank God I'm not crazy. I now know the baseline of why I do the things I do, why I approach life the way I do, why I think the way that I do and I'm not the only person.

I have a community of avoidantly attached people. I have a community of anxiously attached people. I'm not this person that, you I cannot figure out my world and why I think the way I do, and I'm not alone. So there's no shame in the way that I behave because there are millions of us that are behaving the way that we do. And so our attachment styles are not fixed. They're not fixed to being one way.

The aim of learning our attachment styles is to be this beautiful guide that now we know where we want to go, which is securely attached. We have a goal. And when you come together as a couple, mostly sometimes fearful avoidant with dismissive avoidant and anxiously attached with fearfully avoidant or dismissively avoidant, it gives you this beautiful direction into

I can understand why I behave the way I do. I can have compassion and understand why you behave the way you do. And then we both have this goal, which is we want to both get out of this insecure attachment style. So let's head to secure. That's the point of this episode is for you to literally both look at each other right now and smile, smile at the fact that you both are extremely unique, but you both have

foundation that's going to be so easy to understand. And both of you listening to this episode is because you love each other, you want to make it work. And it's also okay if you are the person that's avoidantly attached and you're listening to this episode on your own, or if you're anxiously attached mostly, listening to this episode alone, because it really does take one person to shift the dynamic of a relationship.

but it will always require both of you to be committed to have a consistent outcome of a healthy, connected, beautiful, energized relationship. One person can lead, one person can open safety in the relationship, one person can inspire the other person in the relationship to say, wow, you've changed in a healthy way, you've changed in a way where

You seem so much more secure for yourself. A lot of the behaviors I was used to in the relationship have shifted and I want to be a part of that. You're inspiring me. You're leading me to want to say, I don't want to lose you. I want to be on the trajectory or the direction that you're going in. So it very much does take one person to shift that. And then it does take two people to be able to commit.

to each other to say, okay, now that we're both going in that direction, what's going to be required of both of us to keep this relationship rolling? Because one person cannot do it. Then it becomes one-sided. Then the other person initially with all their energy, when they discover that they can start to heal to be more securely attached and you start to get these wins.

in the bag, eventually still gonna wear you out and you'll be more resentful. You might not have the protesting behavior of someone anxiously attached, but you will end up carrying more resentment to the fact that you also very much have needs that you want met in the relationship. That's why you're not single. You're in a relationship because you want to rely on the other person. You want to co-regulate with the other person. You want the other person to be

your support system, the person you can talk to. And I know that really we've turned around eventually to say that in a relationship one person cannot be everything. And yes, it's a lot of weight to put on one person to show up in a multitude of ways for you. And yet when we are in a relationship, there are different cycles that we go through when we do need to rely.

on the person that we're with to give us different parts of themselves that can give us direction when we're feeling low and we're feeling lost. So while we learn to have a beautiful sense of autonomy and independence, it's not to be independent of the relationship. It's to be independent in a healthy way where you can still independently rely and want from someone else. Otherwise,

you end up just wanting to be independent and be single and fully rely on yourself and not get into the fear of ever having your needs not being met or you being shut down or your heart being broken. The point of a relationship is the scariness of vulnerability that very often is taken away in the anxious avoidant dynamic because the anxious person is very terrified to be vulnerable because they are often felt that their vulnerability

is met with a lot of rejection, is not being seen, or is not encompassed in a way that they would want. Because the anxious person can very often sometimes be short in the way that they communicate. So we might be very wordy in the way that we can speak what we want, but sometimes we're not very clear and precise and opening to what we want as someone that's anxiously attached. So for example, you might want

more affection, you might want more attention from your partner, you might feel that you're just not feeling this deep connection with them, you need more intimacy, you want more sex from them. But a couple of the times that you approach them and you leave yourself very open to expressing that to them, if you're with someone avoidantly attached, they might sort of cut you down, they might close up.

Their attachment style isn't really meeting you in the way that you have those needs and you want them met. And so eventually you close up also as someone that's anxiously attached and you sort of just build up a lot inside of you. In the beginning you have so much energy to keep going, but it's that energy is rolling in resentment. So you have the energy to give, the energy to show up.

the energy to make excuses for the relationship, the energy to really understand where your partner's coming from. But that understanding, when it's not unconditional, is often laced with a lot of resentment. It's, you're not getting to, you're not being fulfilled to, and you're always feeling that if I can just give them a little more, if I can...

work through them with a little more, if I back off a little more, if I create more space with them, if I'm more understanding, if I go and learn all about their avoidant attachment style and then I can play it to a T. I'm not needy, I'm less wanting of needing to be around them all the time, I learn not to text all the time, I learn how to handle needing their attention on calls all the time.

But somewhere deep inside, in all of that, in you trying to be perfect, it comes with a pain. The pain of, but I want them to say I love you before they get off the phone. I want them to be able to text me more that they love me. I want to get into bed and I do want to hear that I love you. Or maybe for some people anxiously attached, if the verbal side of it doesn't hold so much weight, you want them physically.

Connected with you so you want them to come down and meet you in the morning with the hug with the kiss You want to get into bed and go to sleep at night in their arms, you know physically attached to them So anxious attachment is very much always looking for connection. So you're very much always looking for reassurance So if you're avoidantly attached and you're listening to this It's beautiful for you to be able to start to understand what that means for your partner

your anxious attached partner is looking for this connection either verbally, either physically in any way that they can in proximity of being with you. It's not to overwhelm you. It's not to hurt you. It's not to control you. It's not to manipulate you. It's them just looking for a sense of safety to say that subconsciously I never found that in my childhood. And so being with you, I'm sort of

constantly looking for you to reassure me and let me know that the parts of me that were rejected, the parts of me as someone anxiously attached that has rejected those parts of me to and has abandoned me, I'm sort of putting that role on you as someone that's avoidantly attached to see me, to hold space for me, to reassure me, to not reject me, to let me know that I'm enough, to...

Do the things for me that I feel ashamed of having to constantly ask for because someone that anxiously attached might end up spending a beautiful evening with their partner, a beautiful weekend with their partner. And then when the partner drops them off if you're dating and drives off and says, all right, goodbye. And it's not the goodbye you were hoping for to close off that weekend. It can leave you now feeling completely disconnected.

And the avoidant partner is thinking, wait a minute, we had this amazing weekend, amazing dinner, amazing evening, amazing afternoon. And I'm not understanding what I did wrong. And now this is where we start to go into the trap, the cycle. The anxious person is always looking for a connection 24 seven. It's almost like a woman. When does a woman want attention? All the freaking time. If you follow Tony Robbins.

You will see something he teaches, which is true to any woman. Women want attention all the time. And when you're giving them attention, they want even more attention on top of that attention. And so the avoidantly attached person, even if they're in a masculine sort of a role, is very much feeling, I went out of my comfort zone. I was vulnerable. I opened up. We connected in a way that I felt was beautiful.

So when I drove off or I text you good night or I sort of just kissed you on the forehead and rolled over or I just fell asleep, it leaves the anxious person feeling that sort of just that cut, the connection cut. And so as someone avoidantly attached, it's beautiful when you can start to lean in and let's not shame the anxious person for feeling that because obviously, yes, we want to grow.

to be more securely attached, but we can only do that when we start to create room for each other's attachment style to begin with, when we can start to understand what we're working with, how our partner shows up in the relationship, what are the cycles that we seem to get into when we form a beautiful connection, then why is it that we get into the cycle where there's a push-pull dynamic, we end up fighting.

One person's feeling, I'm not getting enough. The other person's feeling, I don't know how to give you more than I'm giving you. And so this negative cycle begins. For the avoidant person, you can start to understand what is the connection feel like? Get curious. Ask your anxious partner right now. Pause this episode and ask them. When you feel a disconnection, what is happening in your body? Maybe the anxious person's never even thought about this.

Maybe they've not thought about, oof, when you disconnect with me in my body, feels like I've lost you. It feels empty. It feels alone. It feels like I'm curled up. It feels like physical pain. It feels like my mind and my body are just in need to come get more from you. And I guess that leaves you feeling like you don't know how to fulfill me and now you're pulling away.

And so start to get curious with some of these conversations. You as the anxious person can lean into words, you avoid important and turn around and say, when I am looking for an endless cycle of reassurance, what does that leave you feeling? Does that leave you feeling that you don't give any, you don't give enough? And one of the ways we can bridge that gap is to be able to say, wow, ⁓

As the avoidant person, you're feeling like I just can't seem to get it right. And as the anxious person, I'm feeling, and I should be communicating, you are getting it so right, I want more of it. Do you see that immediate disconnect where when we are not communicating vulnerably, when we're not stepping into what we really want more off, we can sort of take the pressure and put it onto the other person to feel like

The anxious person is just not good enough. Nothing's good enough for them. The avoidant person's feeling, I don't know how to fulfill them. I'm already out of my comfort zone and trying to give them everything. And I don't think I can win here. So I'm just going to shut down and go find the different avenues to lift my self-confidence up. And where do I win? I probably win with my hobbies, with my friends in...

the areas where I'm working really hard with a project or at work or with my co-workers. So the avoidant person will go and say, where can I fill my sense of self-worth? And that's externally, not in a very vulnerable place because when I'm vulnerable, it's not winning for me. And that's where they run to. That cut with the anxious person leaves them feeling, okay,

I want more of you and that's why I'm pulling towards you. I want to be with you. I want you to see me more. I want you to love me more in the ways that you are loving me. And I don't like the wind down to the way that we love each other. Because the anxious person clearly hasn't learned that I can take a break, I can take a breather and I can let my void partner know where they want. I can let them know that this weekend, this evening,

This afternoon was beautiful. It filled my cup. And now I can feel like maybe I need more of that cupful. I have to learn to fill a little bit of that on my own too. You filled me up so beautifully. Are they things you want to go get done as well? Do you need to focus on your work right now? Are there friends you need to meet? Do you need to go see your mom or dad or your family? Something that you need to do without me that I cannot make a

personal meaning of, by also discussing that with your partner. And they can go off and do their thing because when an avoidant goes to recharge in those little bits, you will be surprised as someone that's anxiously attached how they miss you, how they actually, especially fearful avoidants, want to circle and come back to you because they're getting that space to think of you. They're getting that space to feel that they won.

They achieved. And if you're a man, you're feeling, put a smile on her face, so I'm the frickin' ruler of this world. I can make my woman smile. I can fill her up in that way. What are the other ways I can go achieve and win? Because that's how logical men think. They think, win, smile, done, repeat, do that again. But it also fills them up. And so we need to keep letting each other know when we win.

and keep refueling each other and how to circle back and come back. So as the anxious person, instead of feeling and holding room for that you do feel, you do feel a need for deep reassurance and that's okay. There's no shame in that. So let's put that on the table. What does my constant need of reassurance do to you as an avoidant person? Let's discuss that. Great. Okay. How

Can we go about me still needing that reassurance, but probably reframe it as I love being loved by you. How do we keep that cycle going where it's not overwhelming for you as you're healing your avoidant attachment to be more secure and learn to sit in those emotions and feelings a lot more. And how can I also top up on my own? So.

I love that when the avoidant person has to actually go do things for themselves. I love that as an anxious person, they are teaching you that you can go out and have a life too. You can go out and do things for yourself as well. You have to learn to build a self sense of autonomy where you can come back in your essence and your time and your space and feel so proud about the things you're doing. Maybe there's

this painting you want to get done. Maybe there's a book you need to start writing. Maybe there's a podcast you need to jump on. Maybe there are some of your friends you need to go meet. Maybe you just need to go hang out with mom and dad entirely on your own. Maybe you need to go for that walk on your own. Maybe you need to join the gym yourself. Some of the things that, you know, when you're anxiously attached, you always feel like you need to be doing something with somebody. I know

a of the younger generation that are anxiously attached, you know, they're used to being on the phone a lot. So even if they're scrolling TikTok or they're going for a walk or they're out doing something, they have a friend on the phone with them all the time because that way they feel if I get lost, I get lost with you on the phone. If I'm feeling lonely right now, you're just on the phone. And I've seen the Gen Z generation, because my son's a Gen Z, they have this

unbelievable way of... I'm a millennial, so when I'm on the phone with you, you get my full attention. I'm on the phone with you because we're talking about something, we are connecting. And my son actually told me that, you know, when he's in university or he's busy, he wants to be on the phone, but we don't necessarily need to be talking. He's studying. And it would be, I go...

prepare for my session with a client or my session on a podcast or do some of my research or finish some of my work. It was pretty interesting to be able to see how they connect. Connection is so different for different generations, for different attachment styles. So I learned how to be more flexible and be able to

literally just be on a phone with my son and we're not necessarily always talking, but there's a beautiful sense of connection and that's what it feels like for them. So when you take that aspect and you can move away from being in constant communication, constant touch with somebody, you can learn to start doing things on your own that are also scary.

Learn to take the tube yourself. Learn to jump onto the bus yourself. Learn to go for that walk on your own. And I think avoidant attachment really has a beautiful way of their independence can really rub off in a beautiful way for the anxious person to say, can I learn to build my autonomy? Because there's something that attracted you both in the beginning. And that attraction ⁓

Eventually, towards the end, when you're not working and you're in a negative cycle with each other, that attraction is something that starts to irritate you. But in the beginning, the avoidant persons attracted to the vulnerability of the anxious person. You're attracted to the way they speak. You're attracted to their connection to emotion. You're attracted to the connection with the energy in the world. You are attracted to how they are able to tell you how much they love you.

vocalize it, share it, be so open to you about it. And the anxious person, you're honestly in awe about the things that the avoidant person is independent about. Their ability to run a business, to be this beautiful, charming, open, confident, out there person. That's what attracts you both to each other. But then when the relationship's not going well, it doesn't go well because now we're trying to

convert each other into being like me. I want you to be more like me. I want you to change. But in the beginning, you weren't looking for that. In the beginning, there's a sense of identity and self we both came into the relationship with. We both nurtured. We both loved. But when we start to get scared and insecure, we're trying to pull the other person to be more of what we want so we don't lose them. Well, inevitably, we're losing more of ourselves when we're doing something like that.

So something that the anxious person could learn is when the avoidant does beautiful things for you, keep letting them know. Fearful avoidants love to hear it. They love to hear where they're winning. They love to hear how they did something for you and it lit them up because it's a guide for them on how to do more of that. For the avoidant person,

It's beautiful for you to keep leaning emotionally into the anxious person's world because that's what attracted you to them. You didn't want to be with someone that's closed off, that emotionally doesn't feel. The anxious person, you have to give them the credit to the fact that they're the glue in the relationship. They really hold through some of the hard times when you're not able to emotionally connect. It's their compassion, their gratitude, and their empathy.

to understand why you're not doing that and give more into the relationship. But as an avoidant, have to learn that you have to also fill their cup and then you've got to fill the cup of the relationship. So the anxious person doesn't feel depleted giving you all the time. They don't feel depleted building up a resentment that I'm just waiting for when I'm going to get back as well. So both of you can start with an open communication.

to start to recognize what are the patterns that lead up to some of the fights that we have. We love each other. We want to be together. So let's establish that. Let's take something off the table to create safety. None of us are walking away. None of us are leaving. Are we both 100 % committed to making this relationship work? If yes, okay, great. Let's notice some of the patterns that bring us into some of the fights that we're having now.

As the avoidant, actually want you to pull out a journal or your phone. I want you to start noticing how often in the day you pull away from your partner. And I want you to start noticing that because it happens to you very naturally. You get lost in thought, you get lost in worry, in stress, in daily activities, in the company, work, business, and you naturally go into a bit of a bubble.

of your own in which you need to focus on. But the key is we've got to be able to be in that bubble when we have to be in that bubble and then come out of it to join the safety of the bubble of the relationship, which is very much what makes the anxious person feel like they can keep giving, they can keep going in the relationship. So as an avoidant person, start to notice your patterns on when you disassociate, when you pull away, when you deactivate from

the relationship, start to notice what makes you do that. What's the trigger causing you to want to pull away? And this is beautiful for you to come back to your partner and say, I noticed that maybe nothing happened. It's just my nature to disassociate and need space and go recharge. But I need to start doing that in a healthier way, which means before we have an argument,

I need to start reassuring you that if I am distancing and I am moving away for space, maybe we can start having a soft word that can pull me right back into the relationship. So instead of the anxious person becoming over-worthy with you pulled away and then three weeks ago you did that and I can't believe you're still in. I gave so much into this relationship and I'm loving you and every single day I'm talking to you and I'm coming to chase you for conversations and I'm

Instead of it becoming so wordy, what the anxious person can start to do is probably give out a word like teddy bear. And teddy bear means I'm looking for a hug. I'm looking for attention. I'm looking for a cuddle. That cuddle all represents safety, represents connection, represents both of you coming back together. So teddy bear means you're pulling away. Just start to notice that. I've said teddy bear, which means I need more connection.

I need more love. need us to be coming together in a sort of way that makes me feel this relationship is working and we're both committed to it. And teddy bear is a soft way for the avoidant person to go, okay, have I been pulling away? I didn't notice I was doing that. Right. Okay. So work and the different aspects and different other fears of my life deserve that attention, but so does my relationship, which means I notice I'm

disassociating, I need to come back into connection. I feel sometimes when we can create little safe words in the relationship, we can see what do those words represent for us as a couple. That way we save the anxious person feeling exhausted, alone, tired, having to constantly re-express their needs in the relationship. And this has the avoidant person having to start taking

responsibility and leaning into the emotion in the relationship. So Teddy bear is a keyword we're to have. You guys can decide what your keywords going to be. I've just seen it kind of has been something very cute that has worked for other people because it represents cuddles. It represents warmth. It represents fun. It represents safety. And so when you say Teddy bear,

The avoidant person knows exactly what the anxious person's looking for. Now, we need to be able to establish before we hit the negative cycles, okay, you've let me know you're looking for this connection. You're letting me know you're wanting this affection. How do you need it as well is really important because we have different needs. So we could say teddy bear and the avoidant person can come and just hug you and give you a kiss on the forehead.

and it still leaves you feeling like that's not what I wanted. So we need to be able to come into a space where we communicate our needs really clearly. Communicating our needs being, need X level amount of intimacy during the week and this is what it looks like for me. And for the avoidant it could be, I need X amount of physical touch and verbal reassurance that I'm doing well in the relationship and this is what it looks like for me.

Being very clear about what we need physically from each other, what are our expectations and how do we come to fulfill that physically, meaning what does sex look like for the avoidant? What does sex look like for the anxious person? For the anxious person, I'm sure they're looking for that connection to be with eye contact, a lingering in sex, looking for

touch looking to be felt, needed, desired, encompassed in a beautiful way. For the avoidant, it's being able to distinguish what is sex for me. my God, there is no eye contact. I sort of just lay there. I am boom, boom, boom, trying to just please you and make everything aesthetic for you. I'm not, I'm physically present. I'm physically present to the physical sensations of sex. I'm physically present to the ending.

of sex, but I was not emotionally connected. So it's both of you starting to have deeper conversations and breaking down the different segments of relationships. So physically, what does sex mean to the anxious? What does it mean to the avoidant? How do you merge both of that together? By bringing in the fun, the connection, the warmth. What does spiritual connection look like for the anxious person in terms of energetically? Is it

Is Is it a belief? Is it looking for deep conversations from some of the things you learn, some of the books you read, wanting to share that with your partner? What is spiritualism for your avoidant partner? What does that look like? How do both of you merge those needs together? What mentally stimulates the anxious person? What mentally stimulates the avoidant person? How does the anxious person need that stimulation met?

How does the avoidant person need that stimulation? These are little baselines that allow both of you to start having conversations and connection together. The point being the anxious person can see what they need and so can the avoidant because the avoidant person's never really ever thought about what they need. The avoidant person's never really been given permission that their needs matter too. They can be exhausted being performers.

And that's why sometimes in a relationship with an avoidant, it can end up feeling like they're with you for a duty. They're performing a duty of providing in the best way that they can because no one ever stopped to see them, to nurture them, to hold them. And the negative trap cycle for the anxious and the avoidant person can end up being the anxious person ends up withholding, wanting to praise, withholding love.

because it's almost like they want to punish the avoidant to be able to see what are you missing out on when I don't get my needs met, when I'm chasing you, when I'm exhausted and feeling like the glue in the relationship. So we need to be able to understand

The push-pull dynamic stems from an anxious person wanting connection, wanting to be together, wanting a steadiness of consistent love, of reassurance verbally in action, having all five love languages met consistently. And the avoidant person's push dynamic is them needing their space, needing to find their autonomy, needing to catch their breath.

Now, one question I have for you as an avoidant is, where in the relationship are you feeling suffocated? Is there anything really happening in the relationship that's making you feel suffocated? Or is it something that just stems from a trigger in your childhood with a parent that probably did not respect your boundaries, a parent that read your journal,

A parent that never allow you to lock your room. A parent that would just barge in, over love you, over daunt on you, not respect your need for, you need space, you are naturally more independent as a child because

these different circumstances pushed you into a role where you felt you needed to catch your breath on your own, you learned how to only recharge on your own, you learned safety equaled alone time, you learned regulation meant alone time. So how do you merge both of this together? How can you both learn to co-regulate in a way that feels safe for both of you, where both your needs are met? A lot of the times,

an avoidant person can turn around and say, what does space look like? Space, when we're having an argument or a heated discussion for me, means I need to pull away, I need to run away. That's my push dynamic. You need to be able to come into the relationship because that's commitment to be able to tell your anxious partner, I'm going to vocalize, I'm feeling overwhelmed right now.

the anxious partner can have five hour conversations about how to make the relationship work and where it's not working. Instead, I need a break after 15 minutes or an hour because now I've stopped listening to you. Now as an avoidant person, I've gone into making stories all personal. I feel like I'm failing. It's just getting too overwhelming for me. So I'm going to communicate that I need a break. need to pull away. Okay. I need to just catch a moment.

recharge, align myself, breathe back into my heart, understand that this conversation is important for both of us so that our relationship wins. That's why we're having it. And it's not about putting me down. It's not about me being wrong. That's not your intention. And this is a great opportunity.

when the avoidant person is looking for space for the anxious person to turn around and say, right, maybe I'm getting really wordy and talking a lot about what I'm saying and we're not really getting anywhere. The avoidant person, maybe if they're more masculine, will turn around and be like, okay, look, I've understood the problem. looking for a solution. That's another podcast to why that won't really work with your partner if they're feminine.

So it's for the anxious person to be able to turn around and say, okay, my avoidant partner is communicated. They need some space to breathe right now and regulate, come back into their essence. What does that look like for me? For me, it could be pulling out my phone, pulling out a journal, catching my breath, realigning what was the point of this conversation? How do we hold on to the positive intent that we're both having this conversation so we can both win?

for the relationship. So we both feel close. So we both feel heard. So these room created for both of the pain that we're both feeling and that way we can attune to both our yearnings. We both get what we really need. So the anxious person can use that to catch their breath, stretch their feet, go make a cup of tea, put some music on, put your hands on your heart. Such a beautiful exercise is to just sort of rock.

back and forth, could hum a little bit to sort of activate your vagus nerve,

just calm your nervous system, especially because when you're anxiously attached, you completely disassociate from your own body. And this allows when both of you come back into that safe space to turn around and say, right, the negative cycle is we're gonna start screaming, shouting, fighting. I'm going to go into protest. I'll probably threaten that I'm leaving the relationship. I don't wanna be with you. It's gonna have you shut down, close off, pull away even more.

We've both regulated, we're coming back into the relationship. The goal is that both of us have our needs met, both of us understand the pain we're causing, and we never lose the essence that the positive intent never gets questioned. The intent being, I love you and I want the best for you, and I know you're not trying to hurt me with the outward behavior that is being portrayed. Our intention is to understand where this behavior is stemming from.

and then we can address that behavior. This in no means is going to work for anyone who's in an abusive relationship or any of the other episodes I've ever discussed where it feels like it's more for one-sided relationship. This is really for both of you that are wanting to make this relationship work and understand each other so much more. So part of us preventing that negative cycle is

Instead of us going into the loop of fighting, we've regulated, come back together, and we can keep this shorter by the anxious person expressing what they really want to, the avoidant person expressing what they really want to, and then both of you coming into place to say, now, I'm looking for more time, for example. I want more attention. I want us to connect more. I'm feeling we spend time together, but there's no real connection.

What could that look like for me as an anxious person? How can I translate that to you so you get it? The avoidant person, I want you to sit there and really listen while breathing into your heart. Don't make this personal. It's not an attack. When your partner is asking for their needs to be met by you, it's truly a gift in a relationship. Because both of you don't realize when you stop asking,

to have your needs met by each other. There's no relationship to work on. You both are silently quitting and finding a way to get out. When both of you are sitting there right now in a negative cycle trying to make it work, I want you both to give each other a hug. I want you both to say, we're trying here. There's no manual. We're learning this together from scratch. What a frickin' win. I love you. You love me.

This is the basis of starting to build a healthy relationship. Is both of us learning how our attachment styles show up when we're both in need of connection and space and how when the avoidant person sometimes is also now feeling more vulnerable wanting to come into the relationship, the anxious person feels exhausted, tired and like they don't want to give and it's a moment to punish. The avoidant person

That's like how we end up in these traps of negative cycles. Both of you are saying, don't abandon me. Both of you are saying, I'm looking for connection. One person is trying to find it, but with a lack of vulnerability because they're scared of getting rejected. The other person's also trying to find connection and closeness, but has never learned the world of vulnerability. And very often breaking this pattern

with the anxious and the avoidant is because the anxious very much did hold a lot of room. We did enable the avoidant person to not have to dive into emotions because you were doing all the emotion holding for them. We very much taught them they don't have to express a lot because you expressed a lot. We very much taught them that they can go out and do their own thing because you were trying to be all cool and

not get abandoned and ended up abandoning yourself and making this space something you're okay with when you weren't. So we enabled a lot for the avoidant person in the beginning of the relationship. A healthy way to work for both of you is for both of you to say, okay, we've enabled bad behavior. Now we both are coming together to get these needs met. In the beginning, we did what we did to be able to hold on to each other.

But in trying to hold onto each other, we're pushing each other away. It's the beautiful example of when you have sand in your hand and you go and you clasp it really tight and then you open your hand, you've lost a lot of it. But when you put sand into your palm and you leave the sand there, it's not gonna go anywhere because it has a safe base to be in. This is very much what our love looks like. A lot of times we go and try to hold onto the love even tighter.

But we lose so much in trying to do that. When we're both coming together to create a safe space for each other, the anxious person is saying, I'm open to myself, I'm open to knowing myself, to not abandoning myself, to knowing what my needs are, to knowing what my rights are, and therefore I'm going to come in with clear, open, safe communication to let you know what I need, the frequency of what I need, how I need it, so I'm not leaving you as Sherlock Holmes to it.

And the avoidant person can come in and say, ⁓ this is really scary. This world of emotion. I am terrified of getting rejected. I self-sabotage this love because I don't feel deserving of someone so communicative, so vulnerable, so open, so complex in all their emotions. And so it's both of you coming into a safe space to say, how do you show up and how do I show up? And how can we appreciate first?

how both of us are showing up into this relationship. How do we appreciate some of the negative patterns we have? And then only when we can see that, can we change that.

Remember you've both attracted each other in beautiful way because your love feels so familiar. For someone anxiously attached, they chase love because they learned earlier on in life that love is not something fully reliable. It's not consistent. The avoidant person learned that love is something that is claustrophobic. It's not there all the time. Love has taught me to rely on myself and be highly independent.

Love didn't teach me to seek out closeness. Love taught me to run from closeness. Anxiously attach people, experience closeness, and then it was gone. Experience closeness and then it was gone. So all they're trying to do with their partner that they've attracted that's very similar to playing that role is trying to just bridge the closeness and hold on to it. Don't pull away again because then that's familiar from my childhood.

The avoidant person standing around to say, oof, okay, like closeness, I don't understand what that looks like. When I tried to get close in love in my childhood, it was mocked. was a different kind of closeness. It was rewarded in a different kind of way. It wasn't emotionally rewarded. It was rewarded with a slap on the back. It was rewarded with, you know, family being together. We had a lot of family gatherings, but there was no

connection, was no warmth, was no, you know, somebody coming to hug you and create a safe space and kiss you and, you know, love on you and let you know that all your feelings, your fears, all of them are valid. You are very much taught to be independent in big gatherings. That love is something you feel inside if you even feel it for yourself. It's something that you get when you outwardly perform. And that's why when an avoidant feels like they're failing,

It's because they're trying to perform for a kind of love and the anxious is trying to feel a kind of love. So you're both already not feeling connected in that sort of way. You both are creating these cycles of unfinished love from your childhood. You're both a mirror and both of you are saying, as the anxious person, love me, don't leave me.

Don't be the parent whose love I crave the most that never showed up for me. And the avoidant person is saying, I don't know what this looks like. This isn't safe for me. I've never experienced being this vulnerable. Vulnerability always led me to rejection, always led me to abandonment. And so both of you are like trying to come together, but there's this magnetic pull yet doesn't allow you to just merge as one.

Remember as somebody that's anxiously attached, what are some of the negative cycles that we experience? Anxious and avoidant. So the anxious will seek closeness and reassurance. The avoidant is smothered and withdraws. The anxious person will call, text excessively. The avoidant person stops replying, needs desperate space. They can't make sense of all this love coming at them, all this need coming at them.

They almost be like, don't know how much more to give you. I can't fill you more than I just did. The anxious person's hypervigilant over analyzes the partner's distance, pull away, lack of, I love you, lack of good night, lack of kisses, lack of texts, lack of, I love you in the texts. The... I'm so sorry. I think that's, that sounds like a bird.

I'm so sorry about that. So that's what the anxious person will do. The avoidant person will shut down and withdraw even more emotionally. The anxious person will reach the protest behavior of feeling exasperated and not knowing how to connect with you. So they threaten, they threaten to leave you, they go pack a bag, they...

threatened that they're done with the relationship, they pull away, they get louder, they could get physical with throwing something just to get hurt, just to feel seen in their frustration. Obviously, the avoidant person feels even more criticized, more shut down, their love is not good enough, they are not good enough, it reaffirms their feeling of I wasn't ever good enough, they pull away even more. The anxious person could end up having all these emotional outbursts.

feeling like they've kept too much inside, they don't know how to keep it in anymore, and obviously the avoidant person becomes more cold, more logical, more detached. So these are really common cycles that you end up going through. Where they're stemming from is a complete lack of communication, a complete lack of connection, a complete lack of safety in the relationship, a complete lack of...

consistency because the avoidant person will be very great at with all your pure intent making all these promises wanting to show up wanting to do better wanting to give more the anxious person sitting there saying finally I'm gonna get seen my needs are gonna get met all the communication I've tried to do in the multiple ways with you softly in the letter in the text in the emails in the quiet

soft vocal conversations and the screaming matches, all of that's going to be seen and met. And all both of you are trying to do is be seen in the relationship, not be rejected, be held in a safe environment and be told that it's safe and okay to be loved again as you are. And both of you are feeling like you're not good enough. Both of you are feeling empty and broken.

Both of you are feeling, instead of the relationship bringing you closer, it's leaving you both feeling like you're pulling away further. Maybe this dynamic's not gonna work too much.

Why does this end up being unbelievably painful when you're in this cycle is because both of you have two completely different nervous systems in which your nervous systems need to regulate to calm down. The anxious person's nervous system is all about connection, closeness, reassurance, and co-regulation with their partner. The avoidant person's all about needing to breathe, step out of the relationship, regulate by

giving their nervous system the 15 to 30 minutes to scroll on their phone, to go smoke, to go for a walk, to go for that drive, to sort of just get out of the tense situation so they can sort of, their body from flight now and fight can just sort of come back into a synchronized place where they meet their essence and they feel more calm.

So both of you are looking for closeness, looking for safety and looking for connection, but your nervous systems are not aligned in doing it together. So it leaves you both feeling we want love, but in these deep conflicting ways. The avoidant needs love, but with a lot of space.

The anxious person needs love with a limited amount of space, but to make a relationship really healthy, it requires both of you feeling like you get what you want in a healthy way. Which means that the anxious person is not swallowing more than they can take. Which means if the avoidant person disappears for two days, goes for a trip, doesn't call, that's not going to leave your anxious partner feeling seen and healthy.

And for some people, the anxious person can grow enough to say, if you go out for a girl's trip or a boy's trip, if you could text me when you wake up midday and at night, just let me know you're alive and safe. It works for me. But that really takes a lot of work. I'm smiling for an anxious person to get more secure because normally the anxious person is not going to be OK with just a text. They're going to want to feel when I call you.

you pick up my phone so that I'm still a part of your life on this trip. You didn't exile me. And so part of both your growth on something like that could end up being for the avoidant person to appreciate someone loves you that much. For the avoidant person to appreciate your partner is not calling to control you. They're probably calling you because they might be a little insecure. They might be feeling a little jealous about the business trip that you're on. They're just looking

for that reassurance and I got you, I love you, I'm not leaving, I'm thinking about you as much as you're thinking about me, you're on my mind as much as I'm on yours, you're in my heart, you're in my soul, I cherish you, I love you. And if it means for your anxious partner, it's important that when they call you, as much as you can pick your call, do it. Meet them where they're at.

I'm not saying you're at work in a boardroom, in a meeting, your anxious partner is calling you at ridiculous hours and you need to pick the calls in mid-meeting. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying in a healthy way where also the anxious person takes responsibility for when they're calling you and how they're calling you and what they need of you as well.

So it's very much both of you just finding these beautiful ways to start communicating with each other.

so that neither of you is feeling abandoned. The anxious person you have to remember as someone that's avoidantly attached, primarily always feels abandoned. When you don't pick their calls, they feel abandoned. When you don't text them back, they feel abandoned. When you disappear for two days, they feel abandoned. For the anxious person, they have to work on coming back into their sense of security. And as you avoid, and how beautiful if you can help your partner do that.

That's the point of being the relationship, right? So if you can help your partner understand that I'm not abandoning you, if I don't pick your call, if I don't reply back to your text straight away, I need you to know that I love you, that I see you, and I want to help you get more secure in the relationship as well. it means as an avoidant, I need to work on some of my communication to lean into the relationship to help my partner not feel so anxious.

while the anxious person is also working on the fact that, you know, I don't need to call you 24-7. If I'm feeling anxious, I'm going to pause and think about where's this anxiety stemming from? Has something happened in the relationship that's resulting in me feeling this way? Can I wait a little bit to talk to my partner about this? What's going on in their world and their day if I bring this into their world and their day at this time? So it's both of you communicating.

It's if you're feeling overwhelmed with the way they're calling and texting, communicate how and when you would like them to call and text you and how that works for you and give them a chance to see if that works for them too. That's part of how you both compromise to be able to say, you know what, what if I came into the conversations and avoidant and I said, I love that you call me so much. I love that you love me. I love that you want me. I love that that's actually reassurance for me on how much you value and treasure me.

in this relationship. And the anxious person can turn around and say, okay, right, is that too much for you? Well, yes, at certain times of the day when I'm working and I'm focused, it can stress me because I want to please you, because I want to love you, because I don't want to leave you feeling abandoned. And if I can't live up to that expectation, it's stressing me, it's annoying me. And that's why we end up fighting, because we're both not communicating something so beautiful. We're both looking to experience something.

but we get lost in the trap of communicating in frustrated ways.

If you both can understand a few fundamental wounds about each other, if the avoiding can understand that the anxious person's core fear is abandonment, not...

being good enough, constantly being rejected, they'll end up being alone. You can start to understand, okay, they grew up with inconsistent love, with a constant fear that things will not last the way that they should last. They grew up with sometimes warm love, then it's cold, sometimes it's given, then it's taken away, and their little brains are not able to really understand that, you know, a parent could have been busy, sick, going through their own anxiety, their own

trauma, their own world with their own problems. And so they made a meaning that love is hot and cold. It's not consistent. So they're always going to chase closeness to prevent loss. If you can understand that as somebody that's avoidantly attached, you can give your anxious partner a chance right now to go, I feel seen. And if the anxious partner can understand this about their avoidant partner.

Sometimes your avoidant partners co-fears enmeshment and a loss of autonomy because they grew up being criticized for wanting vulnerability and love. They grew up probably with a parent that was overbearing, didn't respect their boundaries, was too much in their face. They could have grown up with a parent that pushed them to constantly have autonomy and be independent and not rely on them.

as parents. They could have grown up in an environment where they were the caretaker of their siblings. So they very much never learned how to just stop and be loved and be seen and taken that love. They jumped into a caretaking role immediately at a young age to have to think a certain way to care for the people below them and love their siblings. So there was no one to love them and see them. They were the person just giving off that love.

Inevitably your avoidant partner is always going to pull away to feel safe and the anxious person is coming closer to feel safe. So both of you have to find how do we feel safe together? What does safety look like for us both? Start having this conversation. What does it look like? What is safety for you as an anxious person? What's safety for you as an avoidant? What's safety for both of you on your own? What's safety for both of you as

Couple what safety for the family? What does that look like with our children that are involved? What do we want to show them? emulates I Want to teach you a few ways we can interrupt the pattern break if you both feel you're going to start spiraling and go down a negative cycle

For the anxious person, I want you to pause before you react. Now, if you do react, I want you to be kind to yourself and I want you as the avoidant person. I know their reaction can leave you wanting to run. Part of the work is so you can lean in and you can give them the support they need as well. as the anxious person, pause before you react. Take a breath.

If you feel that your nervous system has just surged with this adrenaline to speak, to fight, to shout, I want you to walk away. Don't engage in chasing them to take that energy out on them. I want you to pause, walk away, go have a shower, go for a walk outside, get some fresh air, put some music on, breathe, have a toolbox of what can work for you.

that you can start to regulate. Lay on a floor, put your feet up, rock your body side to side, open up your hips, rock that side to side. Find some somatic ways that can sort of have you very present to the charge in your body, in your nervous system. I want you to be attentive to where it's sitting, where that charge is sitting. You can put a light to it, you can put an emotion to it, you can name it.

and you can allow it to be in your body while you're present to it. You can say thank you. Thank you for letting me know this emotion's there and it's important that I deal with it. Can I deal with it on my own? What's going on for me? How can I hold room for myself while I'm feeling this emotion? Calm it down, make sense of it so that when I deliver it to my partner, I'm not pushing them away, I'm having them work with me through this.

I want you as someone anxiously attached to anchor in your self-worth. Your self-worth is not reliant to their closeness and how they show up to you during the day. Your self-worth is not reliant on how they physically want you, how they desire you. Your self-worth is not anchored in them disassociating and needing space. Your self-worth is very sturdy inside of you.

This comes when you understand your core wounds, the beliefs that you have imprinted within yourself, and then the over-reliance on an external third party, even if it's not your partner but a friend, to constantly validate you. I want you to start anchoring yourself in understanding what are some of the beliefs I have about who I am as a person. Don't I also believe that I'm worthy of love? That I'm

such a vessel of love that I give such beautiful love. Don't I realize that my self-worth is to receive a beautiful vessel of love too. To not have to feel my beliefs are I have to chase love in order to get it. I have to not rock the boat in order to be seen. I have to be perfect in order to receive love. What are some of the beliefs you have and how do we detach those beliefs from your partner and start to anchor yourself in a more secure way

where you can start to say, wow, those are some of the beliefs I have. They don't align with who I am now. I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm educating myself. I want a love that is communicative and simple and easy and beautiful and complex, but I can show up in a regulated way where I'm so proud of myself. So I want you to start noticing where you've put a meaning of your self-worth.

attached to their behavior and I want you to stop cutting that because it's not true.

I also want you to start shifting the focus from how do I get them to love me and fill my cup to how can I also love myself and fill my cup. I want you to move from where are they abandoning me to where am I also abandoning myself. How can I do things that leave me feeling really proud of myself, leave me feeling really seen in my day, feeling me feeling so accomplished and fulfilled with my life to

separate to the relationship as well.

For the avoidant partner, I want you to work on these three things. I want you to first communicate your need for space with warmth. I want you to be able to say something like, need some time to be able to recharge, but I'm not leaving you. I'm not walking away from you. I love you. I'm present to what this could be making you feel. But in order for me to deal with that fully, because I love you, I need to just catch my breath.

Regroup my thoughts, align them to my heart so I can move out of my brain, out of the conflict mind, come into my heart where I can connect to you and I hope that's okay. So you're connecting your need for space with warmth in conflict. I'm not telling you to connect your need for, I need space for two days to not discuss anything. I need to block you, I need to ghost you, then we're not working on a relationship. This is our need.

for space so that we can come back into the relationship more regulated and more whole for the other person. So I want you to start getting comfortable with being vulnerable in your communication.

I want you to start sharing one emotion a day. One emotion about something you went through during the day. One emotion about something you felt. Start sharing it with your person. Today was really stressful. Today was really hard. It really hurt me when my boss did this. It really hurt me when my friend pulled away like this. Start getting comfortable with leaning in and then start getting comfortable with your partner. Being able to tell them, want you to sit in the mud with me with this feeling.

Or I'd love to hear what your thoughts are about it. Or I don't need you to fix it. I just need you to be with me in this moment where I'm just feeling a little confused or a little low. I want you to get comfortable asking your partner, I need a hug. I need you to come close to me. I need touch. I need reassurance in that way too. I know as an avoidant I might come across like I'm so tough and I don't need physical reassurance. I do. Would it be okay if...

You know, you can reach out for me a lot more, even when it might look like I'm disassociated or I'm closed off. Does that leave you feeling more scared that you might come to hug me and I'll pull away even more? Start getting comfortable with some of these conversations. Share your vulnerability. Listen to how it leaves your partner feeling. Let them express that back to you and sit with that. It's OK. It's OK to just sit with the emotion and the feeling and the thought and not

rush to fix it, but just be like, wow, that's really interesting. I also want you to start understanding your distancing hurts them as much as maybe their smothering hurts you. Every time you distance from your partner, you slowly leave them cut with a thousand paper cuts, literally. Every time you withdraw, it's a baby paper cut on your partner.

Every time you pull away, you need space, you shut down, cannot communicate. Paper cut, paper cut, paper cut, paper cut. And then when the hot water is going to come onto your partner now, they're going to scream because it's going to be burning and it's going to hurt. And it's all going to flare up and burn at one time. They can tolerate the little baby cuts as they're coming. It's like an ow, okay, that hurt. But I love you. I'm here for you. But when they start to feel all the paper cuts,

in one go, it's not going to feel so great for you. So you leaning more into the relationship by understanding. A relationship is not a place you come to to get your autonomy and your space and your independence. A relationship is a place where you come to discover yourself, your vulnerabilities, your fear, your need for closeness, your need for connection, your need to know you do have someone that wants to go through the rest of their life with you and desires you and

cares for you in your ups and downs and your ugly moments and your beautiful moments. That's why we come into relationship. So I want both of you to start developing a more secure way into this partnership. So together now, how do you build this?

Number one, just going to give you a couple of micro practices to be able to work on.

Daily check-ins. So each partner every single day, at the end of the day, every single day shares one thing that they need from their partner, one thing that they feel their partner could have done so much better by being able to just score their partner out of 10. What would I give you? probably give you a three on this, okay? And one thing they're absolutely grateful about their partner for. This gives you a beautiful way

to be able to understand, today my score was three, shows I need to grow in this way, how could I grow in this way, how could I have done it better? Right? And you're both scoring each other. Sometimes the score is 10 and that's absolutely beautiful. We were able to meet each other's needs in a beautiful way today. Is there anything else I could have done? And then when you leave each other with a sense of gratitude, it leaves you both feeling like you're winning in that relationship.

I want you to now also start scheduling a safe space for your needs, which means you are going to start scheduling once a week, other than the daily check-ins, what you guys can talk about on your needs, what you're feeling outside of conflict. Meaning it's not date night. It's we're scheduling time to be able to communicate, to be able to talk about how we're both feeling in this relationship.

We care about each other's mental health and emotional health and that's why we're doing this. We're not gonna wait for a fight to happen, for everything to erupt and come out in one go and then it's way too much. The damage is just too much. It feels I can't win, I can't do anything right. So we are doing the daily check-ins. We are scheduling in once a week discussing needs. What do I need from you? How do I need you to meet them?

What are some of the fun inventive ways you think you could meet my needs and I could meet yours, vice versa.

I want you to agree on repair rituals. Something even your children can see, which means how do we repair that leaves each other feeling we're both connected and we both won

Is it a hug after the argument? Is it an I love you text? Is it holding hands, looking into each other's eyes, even though we're having a disagreement? Something very much I work with people to be able to build to words because avoidant people are not so comfortable with eye contact. But definitely coming to that relationship to say there has to be some sort of connection we have that allows us while we're feeling apart in the rupture to still know that we have some tools.

that bring us back together that we both practice? Is it that we both sit side by side and I can put my head on your shoulder? Is it that we can sit on the floor and I can put my legs around you, you can put your legs around me, we can just hold each other? To make it more comfortable with the avoidant, something I do is can we put our heads together? If you're watching this episode, can the avoidant, the anxious person just put their heads down, put their heads together and sort of rock?

side by side, just allowing for that connection. So we need a couple of things that you both can do that let you feel connected. And you have something that you don't allow the rupture to separate you even more. The repair is very, very important. And then last is obviously if you can get some coaching or some therapy together and

work on things with your therapist or your coach separately and then come together as a couple so that you can just sort of work through the patterns, the triggers, the negative beliefs and the core wounds as a team. You're both on the same side. You both have core wounds. You both have negative beliefs. You both have abandonment fears. Both of you are craving love. Both of you are craving connection. You just have a different language in which you speak it and that's okay.

The anxious person can learn beautiful things from the avoidant person and the avoidant person attracted the anxious person to learn beautiful things from them as well.

I want to close this beautiful episode with leaving you both feeling the anxious and avoidant relationship very much can work. It's not an easy dynamic, it's not an overnight dynamic, it takes a lot of patience. But when both of you are really willing to not lose each other, not lose the families that you've built, really hunker down on keeping this love of your life that you've attracted.

this relationship moves from just chemistry and connection to learning how to be co-regulated together, to learning how to rely upon each other, to learning how to say, have found my person, that no matter what I'm going through in my world is gonna be there for me. And we've both built up a base where if I'm not 100 % present in the relationship, I know I found a partner that has got my back.

And when my partner is not 100%, I've got their back because you've both filled the bank of love. So withdrawing from it separately or together while filling it up is always going to be available to you guys.

Remember, this is a beautiful dynamic where freedom and connection can coexist together. I really believe in you both and I'd love to hear from some of you from this episode. What are some of the tough dynamics that you're dealing with right now that you would like some guidance on? Or how has this episode with some of the tips helped you to be able to work on the relationship and understand each other better? And don't forget, you can follow me on TikTok.

at shazmeen underscore bank, Instagram, shazmeen Bank, and send me an email, shazmeen at shazmeenbank.com Tell me what you're going through. I will answer your questions for Thursday's episode. And remember, I'm always here. You can watch these episodes on YouTube, on Spotify. You can listen on Amazon Music. You can listen on Apple. And I really love building this community with you. I love

connecting with you, hearing from you on TikTok and through Instagram. And remember, you are worthy of love. You are worthy of being seen in a relationship or out of a relationship, but you are absolutely worthy. I love you and I cannot wait to connect with you. And I hope our paths cross I love you and thank you for listening to this episode.