I Was Addicted to Weed for 8 years | My story | Part 1 - Ep 07

For a long time, I didn’t think I had a problem. 
Marijuana was just something I used to relax… a little something something once in a while, you know. Until it became a full-on 8-year addiction.

In this episode, I talk about how I got addicted to maryjanes in college, the mental and emotional spiral that came with it, and what healing looked like for me.

This isn’t about judgment — it’s about honesty and reevaluating our relationship with drugs. 

And if you’ve ever felt like something had a hold on you, maybe this one’s for you, too.

Subscribe and join our community as we figure out this adulting thing together, one conversation at a time.

Subscribe now and join our community as we figure out this adulting thing together, one conversation at a time.

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Transcript

Welcome and Introduction

Speaker 1 0:00

I came to party , sorry , all right . Hey y'all , welcome back to the podcast . It is your girl , chizzy , and we are here for yet another episode . Make sure you guys are subscribed , following you know , downloading the podcast on Spotify , apple , you can watch on YouTube , but I'm loving the community that we are building here and the conversations that we're having . So , yeah , today we are talking about something very , very , I think , serious .

Speaker 1 0:34

I think this is more of a serious conversation and I want to just open up with you guys about some of the things that I have personally been dealing with in my life . I have been on the internet for many years now , but I'm a pretty private person at the same time , which I think all of us are to an extent , right . I think a part of adulting is presenting one way and then having the things that you are dealing with behind closed doors and only certain people know about it , and that's just what it is . But today we are opening up the curtains and I'm sharing . I'm sharing , you know , some of the things that I have personally dealt with . So this may come as a shock to some of you , but today I want to share and talk about how I became addicted to Marijuana . Okay , mary Jane Flower , what is it ? Ebo and Shio . Which one is it , shio

My 8-Year Addiction to Marijuana

Speaker 1 1:30

or Ebo ? You know what I'm trying to say ? Okay , I was addicted yes , addicted to Mary Jane for eight years . So I want to tell you guys my story Before we get into it .

Speaker 1 1:45

I did see this video on the interwebs . There's this video circulating of Justin Bieber and SZA . They had a performance together and Justin , poor Justin , justin looked out of it . Okay , he was , he was damn near on the ground . All right , that man was folded , he looked really frozen , he just he was in the clouds and he just looked like he visibly was struggling and , you know , sza at a point had to like just hold his chin and it kind of brought him back to earth where he was able to finish out the performance and stuff . And I think at first , when the video came out , people were kind of like , you know , oh , scissors , like everybody needs a black woman to save the day . But I think it's a lot deeper than that and I'm definitely praying for Justin because I didn't really realize that , like he does a lot of drugs . I didn't know that , but from you know , from what I'm hearing and what I saw he was very , very , very impaired and that looked like more than alcohol . That was not alcohol , baby . Drug addiction is real . Drug addiction is real and a lot of times you don't realize how it can overtake you and I feel like that's what we're really seeing with him and I just one , just prayers go out to him and I'm definitely be praying for him because it is .

Speaker 1 3:09

It is no joke , but it confirmed what I wanted to talk about today . I think this is a really big aspect of adulting , right , growing up , that we don't like to talk about , but it's a real reality for a lot of us . And that is just like picking up these seemingly innocent habits , right , that you just do as just a little vice to relax and get through the day or wind down or help you go to sleep and things like that . But you don't realize sometimes that these habits that you pick up can end up following you and grow into something bigger and before you know it , it's just like you can barely recognize yourself . You know it's crazy because I , low-key , cannot believe I'm telling this story . I have thought of the day right where I'd be able to share this story from a place of being healed and whole , and I can't actually believe that this is a reality for me , and I mean this in a positive way , like I'm so grateful that I'm able to be on the other side of this and speak to this conversation , because I think so many of us are dealing with it , maybe even currently . Some of you may relate , some of you may not , but regardless , this is my story . I don't know if I can say like the word . You know what I'm trying to say , so I'm just going to say Mary Jane , all right .

Speaker 1 4:36

So Mary Jane is now legal here in New York and in many states in America , and it's becoming very normalized . Right , it's pretty much a social drug . At this point , I would say that it's almost at the same level of alcohol . Not quite yet , I feel like . In a couple of years , though , it'll be like as normal , shall I say , as alcohol , and I just want to shed my . I want to shed light on my experience with it in the hopes of two things . Okay , one , that it will encourage some of you to just take a look at your relationship with Mary Jane and drugs in general low key drugs and alcohol but ultimately , I want to also encourage you to reflect on just your own specific habits . It doesn't necessarily have to be drugs , right , drugs right , but I think it's important that we find healthier ways to cope and to just enjoy life , because some of this stuff we do to have fun , so , yeah .

Speaker 1 5:32

So the first question or statement that I feel like some of you may say is you could be addicted to Mary Jane . I think we hear a lot of rhetoric like it's not that addictive , you know , you can't overdose on Mary Jane . Ain't nobody die from a little , okay , a little joint Shoot ? Alcohol is apparently worse for you , right ? You hear that it's natural . Right , it's a plant . In fact , even doctors are prescribing it to patients for chronic pain and anxiety and depression , and I don't necessarily disagree with these claims , but I do think that too much of anything isn't good for you . And to the point about whether or not you can be addicted to Mary Jane or not , baby , you could be addicted to anything . Okay , it's not necessarily about the drug . It's actually about addiction and how it starts and creeps up on you . That I really want to focus more on . But my particular battle was with Mary Jane , so I'm going to share that as well .

Speaker 1 6:36

Let's go to science real quick , because we are scholars over here , all right . So , according to the National Institute of Drug Abuse , the definition of addiction is a chronic relapsing disorder characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use despite adverse consequences . So it's actually considered a brain disorder because it involves functional changes to brain circuits involved in reward , stress and self-control , aka dopamine Okay , dopamine , all right . So , and these changes can last a long time , even after a person has stopped taking drugs . You know , it's really interesting

How It Started: From High School to College

Speaker 1 7:15

because I battled with this over an eight to nine year period and it was a very slow . It was a very slow process .

Speaker 1 7:28

Many of you may or may not know , but I have been in therapy since 2018 . Okay , I'm in a position where I do have a little bit more , will I say , information and knowledge about the things that I have particularly battled with . So I'm able to put language to it . I think if I wasn't in therapy right , and I wasn't working with a psychologist and a psychiatrist at some point to help me understand some of the things that were going on in my mind , I wouldn't have said I was addicted to Mary Jane . I would have said you know , I just had this little habit . I just had a little habit . But , baby , that is addiction . If you try to stop and you cannot seem to stop right , every time you put it down , eventually you pick it back up again . That's an addiction . It's a habit you have formed that you can't seem to break , that's addiction . So yeah , and honestly , you can be addicted to anything you can be addicted to break . That's addiction . So yeah and honestly , you can be addicted to anything . You can be addicted to sugar . You can be addicted to your phone , social media All right , we're dealing with that right now .

Speaker 1 8:34

There's so many things you can be addicted to , and it has more to do with the mind than the actual drug or thing . Also , it can also deal with the drug . Depending on the drug that you are indulging in , right , or the activity that you're indulging in , it can actually , like , cause you to be addicted as well . With cigarettes , right ? Nicotine is known to be addictive . So this is why not only is addiction a battle of the mind , but it's also depending on the substance that you're using . That also creates a hold on you too .

Speaker 1 9:09

When I was doing a little bit of research , because I wanted to understand this more , as I'm sharing it with you guys . It's so interesting because addiction is actually a lot like other diseases , such as heart disease , right ? So both of these things , addiction and heart disease they disrupt the normal , healthy functioning of an organ in the body , right , both have serious harmful effects and both are in many cases preventable and treatable . But if left untreated it can last a lifetime and may lead to death . Okay , but we're not going to get there , amen , amen .

Speaker 1 9:43

Sometimes I'll talk to my therapist , and she made a point one time where she was saying how , like with sugar addiction , right , the brain activity of somebody that is addicted to sugar is the same brain activity of somebody that's addicted to , like cocaine or something . So your dopamine receptors are essentially like a thing in your brain , right , a hormone in your brain . Is it a hormone ? Please , I'm not a doctor , I didn't go to medical school , you guys know that . So , please , fact check . But essentially it has to do with risk and reward , right ? So that's why we like social media , that's why we go to sugar , that's why we go to the thing that essentially raises up our dopamine , and the same thing can happen with drugs . So for me , right , I told you my mama was a little bit of a rolling stone back in her day , mary Jane wasn't the thing that I started with , it was actually alcohol .

Speaker 1 10:35

I remember when I drank for the first time , I drank by myself . Can you imagine Like what was I going through ? A lot , actually , I was going through a lot . One day I'll tell you guys the story . But I started drinking when I was in high school , so I think I was around 14 , 15 . Yeah , I know , I know I don't , I don't look it , don't , do I ? Exactly Because addiction has no face , clock it . Addiction has no face . All right , there is no look . This can touch anybody . Yeah , I started drinking when I was at 14 , 15 in high school and that was just like my drug of choice then .

Speaker 1 11:11

But by the time I was a senior in high school , I remember I think I threw like a little get together at my house Well , my parents' house , because one thing about me I was throwing a little something in the basement , I sure was . And you know , one of my friends was like they went to like the garage and they were smoking and I was like , oh , what's going on here ? And they were like you want to try ? And I was like , yeah , I tried to smoke for the first time and I didn't know what I was doing , so I don't think it worked . It didn't work . Actually , I didn't really feel a difference .

Speaker 1 11:50

Then I remember it was the summer before I went off to college there's a thing called hot boxing , right ? So you know , it was a couple of us , maybe one , two , three , I think it was five of us total and we were in the car and hot box the car . So , like you know , it's really potent . Okay , baby , I got so high . I got so high , I cried . I cried Like I don't I don't even know why I cried .

Speaker 1 12:15

I think I was feeling feelings that I'd never felt before . I just , oh , my goodness , I will never forget that day . But that was the day . That was the day that I was introduced to this new drug and at first I was like I'm never going to do that again . That was too much . Like , oh , it was a lot . But then I was like actually , that was kind of fun . That was kind of fun . And the food when you had some food , it tasted incredible . I was like you know what ? That wasn't too bad , and that's where it got me .

Speaker 1 12:49

Okay , I went off to college and you know college is a free for all and I remember the first like week you go as a freshman . There's like no classes , so it's just like it's just a free for all . And you know everybody's doing all the things drinking , partying , smoking . So now you know I realize , oh , like , honestly , I think I was late to the party , like everybody was smoking by the time I started smoking . So you know I would smoke with other people , you know my friends and stuff and yeah , it just , it seemed cool , it was fine , it was fun . Like the laugh attacks were incredible , like , oh , I fell in love . When I tell you I fell in love with Demary Jane , I fell in love , I sure did . What I didn't realize was I found a way to cope with the things that I was dealing with and battling with . But to me it seemed fine , like it seemed like a really nice way to release and have fun . And because everybody else was doing it right , it didn't seem that deep . Everybody's drinking , everybody's getting blacked out drunk , everybody's smoking , like who cares , right ? But it's only as time goes on that you start to like notice , you know , maybe maybe not , but I'm going to take you through the process of what happened with me .

Speaker 1 14:10

I do want to also preface by saying that I've always had a very good girl persona . Right , I'm somebody that I'm fairly wise , right , I'm pretty smart . So I've always been the type to just do what I need to do . You kind of slip through the cracks because of that , right , like nobody's really checking for you because you're not acting out , your grades are decent , like what's the issue ? There could be no problem , right , and honestly , that had saved me over the years , I will say , because that's also why I didn't do Mary Jane , right , that's why I didn't do anything more than alcohol up until senior year .

Speaker 1 14:43

Because in high school , right , and even in middle school , we had a thing called the DARE program and they taught us about things like weed and how weed is a gateway drug and so you shouldn't start it , because usually that's the thing that you start and it leads to you trying stronger substances , which they're right about , they sure are they ate with that one . I knew not to do it , as most of us all do , but I just after a while I was like eh , meh , and I think also the media also planted a lot of seeds I would say took root a little later on in my life . So you know , shows like Degrassi , right , watching music videos , even shout out to , you know I love me some Fenty Beauty . But like even Rihanna , right , seeing these like influential figures with a blunt in their hand or a joint in their hand , like it looked cool , it looked so cool . So I'm like

When Fun Becomes Dependence

Speaker 1 15:42

, okay , I mean it can't be that bad . And they said it was the gateway drug . So just don't go past that and it won't be the gateway , right Anyway .

Speaker 1 15:53

So by the time I got to college , right , my freshman year , my sophomore year , I started to smoke socially , right . So anytime my friends would meet up or like it's the weekend or something , you know we'll get a little something . You know , eat , watch movies or something , and it was just a blast . Okay , oh , I forgot a quick part . So that day that I first like tried Mary Jane like for the first time , and it hit me .

Speaker 1 16:25

I remember one of the girls that I was with . We weren't that like close in high school , but she was like super smart , like super , super , super , super smart , and I remember her being there and she seemed like a professional , like this is what she did all the time . And I remember being like , wow , that girl . Like when I say she was a genius , like she was a genius and she was smoking , and I'm like , oh well , it can't be that bad if she's doing it . She's on top of her work , so it can't be that bad . But I think this is what I mean about the fact that one addiction has no face Right , and a lot of times people that are high functioning go unnoticed and struggle more because they are high functioning .

Speaker 1 17:07

Baby at 16 , why are you this much of a professional at smoking ? I think I was blowing her high because I was , I was doing the most , right , I'm crying , I'm just like whoa and she's like just calm down , and I'm like dang . I'm just like whoa and she's like just calm down , and I'm like dang girl , sorry , this is crazy , but anyway . So yeah , so that's just like to my point , and I know a lot of you guys can probably relate . So I just want to say that I see you , I see you , and not only do I see you , god sees you , he sure does .

Speaker 1 17:41

Okay , so back to the story , right ? So I'm in college , right ? Freshman and sophomore year has come and gone and I'll never forget what we always said was oh , it's not addictive , you'll be fine . Just don't ever buy it on your own , because once you buy it on your own , that's when you know you may have a problem . So I'll never forget when I bought Mary Jane for the first time on my own , I said I'm a big girl , I'm a big girl and I want to do what I want to do .

Speaker 1 18:10

I found a dealer . I don't know how I found the person . I probably just asked someone , I don't know . I asked somebody right , because there's always the campus dealer and , you know , bought it and I smoked by myself for the first time and I loved it . Now I had peace and quiet , I could hear my own thoughts . Watching TV was like a whole new experience . The food still amazing , and I'm just like , yeah , I don't know , I got to relax in the comfort of my own space and dorm room and , you know , not have to deal with any other personalities , and I was just Ooh , I was hooked and I knew this was a marking moment in my life . I knew it right , because I remembered how everybody would say just don't buy it on your own , like , once you start buying it on your own , baby , it got you . So I knew this was a marking moment in my life .

Speaker 1 19:07

So by sophomore year I started to like you know , smoke a little bit more regularly on my own and what I would do was , you know , I did my work , I would do my work and then I would chill and I would smoke and I tried to like space it out right , because one thing , the kids are gonna talk right . So I learned quite a bit . I learned that , you know , you don't wanna like build up your tolerance too quickly , so try and space it out . So I would do that because , also , I had responsibilities , right , not only was I a biology major , so I had a heavy like course load , I was a part of different clubs , so I had a lot of responsibilities . So I tried to like only do it on the weekends or , you know , every couple of weeks or something .

Speaker 1 19:47

By junior year me and Mary Jane were in a full-blown relationship . Like you don't understand , I want I , I , anywhere that I could , I would smoke , I sure would . And again , it was normal , right , it was normal on a college campus , like drugs and alcohol was like a very normal thing . So I could kind of blend in and get away with it and not feel like that about it or feel like there was really anything wrong .

Speaker 1 20:16

Now , what started happening was it was starting to affect my school , like my schoolwork , right , because I love this thing so much , because this is how it gets you right . And this is the reason why people do drugs in the first place it's usually to feel good , because it feels fun , it's a way to relax , it's a way to like escape , right . So that's what it was for me At first . It was just really fun , like I really enjoyed it , and because it was so fun , I wanted to like do it all the time . So , and I saw other students , like I knew of other people that like would smoke all the time . So I'm like , ok , it can't be that bad , right , I should be able to do it .

Speaker 1 20:53

But I was definitely the type of person that like would smoke and then like , eventually I'm falling asleep , like I would get really tired . But you see , this is low-key insanity and this is how you know it was the devil . Because why did I think ? Why did I think , if I'm getting tired all the time , why did I keep doing it ? Anyway , child . So , yeah , I tried to get myself to be productive on it . Like it got to a point where I would try to study high on it . Like it got to a point where I would try to study high because I heard about other students like would be like they could study while high . In fact , they would say that smoking helped them study . So I'm like , oh , maybe smoking will help me study , girl , the way I would fall asleep , oh my God . And then I would try different strains , like maybe the indica would be better or the sativa . Yeah , that was not my case . I always ended up falling asleep like I would have like a good hour or two or even three where I'm like up and you know , I felt like I was being , I was super creative , like I felt like the thoughts were better , and and then I fall asleep .

Speaker 1 21:59

Midway of first semester of junior year I started to experience the negative effects of managing , because it always starts off good and then it gets bad

The Gateway Drug Warning Signs

Speaker 1 22:10

. One obviously the tolerance starts building up . So you have to smoke more , right ? Schoolwork is piling up , I'm sleeping a lot more , so I'm not being as productive . You know , I had a lot of responsibilities by that point .

Speaker 1 22:21

I remember I was like in leadership on in some clubs that I was a part of , but I was also like struggling with my mental health . I got really , really , really depressed . My junior year I remember that like I was down bad . I was down bad and I was just like in my head a lot and I was sad . I was super , super sad and I noticed that I was like a lot sadder than usual , like I had dealt with depression over the years . But by junior year I was like , girl , are you okay ? I remember one of the days I was just like do you think maybe it's the weed ? And you know I didn't want to believe it , I really didn't . But I had to look at the pattern , right . Every time I would smoke I'd get you know . It would be euphoria for a little bit , but then I'd get super tired , lazy , going to sleep . Right , I'm overeating , right , because I have the munchies . I'm thinking so much in my brain . My grades were going down . I wasn't keeping up with my responsibilities . I even started , I remember I started getting headaches every time I smoked too .

Speaker 1 23:40

And then , then the craziest thing happened my middle school friend passed away and we found out that he passed away from a drug overdose . He found his way into heroin and I think like fentanyl , and he overdosed and he passed away and , if I'm not mistaken , he was actually smoking Mary Jane and it was like laced or he mixed it or something . And what kept ringing in my head was how Mary Jane is a gateway jug . And I remember , you know , when we were in middle school and high school , I remember seeing the shift that started to happen with him because he started smoking pretty early , like maybe around middle school , middle school , beginning of high school . And I remember seeing the shift that started to happen with him because he started smoking pretty early , like maybe around middle school , middle school , beginning of high school . And I remember even seeing him with a cigarette one time and I said , whoa , you know , and it just like . So when that happened , I remember being like , oh my gosh , chizzy , maybe you should like , maybe this is your sign to just like chill out on this thing . You know , it doesn't seem to be helping you much , so chill out . So I was like , okay , and I me and my friends actually from high school we vowed because we're still in touch . At that time we vowed like , all right , we're going to stop smoking .

Speaker 1 25:03

So all of second semester of junior year , I believe , I stopped smoking and I was . I noticed that like I was a lot more clear headed . You know , just kind of get back on track with school . This was the time where I picked up a communications minor and I was just trying to figure out stuff with career . So it helped a lot . I noticed even like I would dream again , because I didn't realize that smoking so much I guess it would put me in such a deep sleep that I wouldn't remember any of my dreams . So I started dreaming again and I just felt good and I was like , oh , you know what ? Yeah , you don't need that , that's you don't . You don't need to do that .

Speaker 1 25:43

And I think that's a tip that I want to share with some of you . If there's a feeling that you get , there's these very particular , I don't know moments in your life where you'll get this very slight feeling , where it makes you question or makes you go , hmm , right , and for me it was . I had to take a look at , you know , the habit that I picked up with smoking and had to ask myself , hmm , this thing , is this really helping you ? I really do believe that that is like you know , your instinct warning you . For me , not only was it my instinct and my gut right , but I also think it was God warning me like , hey , watch out for this thing , because you don't realize what you're getting yourself into .

Speaker 1 26:29

And I think that's what happens sometimes with drug addiction , like that's how it starts . It starts off very innocent , because nobody plans on being a drug addict , like nobody . And you know when I think about you know , justin Bieber or Whitney Houston , right , like so many great people , started off with just this little habit . It didn't seem . It didn't seem that bad , but it was just this little habit . Over time it starts to snowball and before you know it , it overtakes you .

Speaker 1 27:05

So I did recognize for me , right when I was a junior in college and you know , my friend had passed from overdosing and I saw , you know , the negative effects that were starting to happen as I kept smoking . I recognized , hey , chizzy , you should probably put this thing down . And that was a very pivotal moment . It was a very pivotal feeling that marked oh Lord , oh man , I knew it , I knew it . And I think all of us low-key know , but maybe not , anyway . So I quit . I quit the rest of junior year . So second semester didn't smoke , and I think even the summertime no , by the summertime I smoked like once or twice , but I was like nah , nah , nah , no more , right , cool .

Speaker 1 27:55

So senior year of college comes and you know I have suitemates and I'm coming into my last year of college like just excited all the things . And by that point I'm like , yeah , no , I'm not smoking anymore , I'm not gonna do that , cause I just recognized that it wasn't a habit that I should keep doing . But then , because you know this thing is very normal , one of my suitemates actually like was a very regular smoker and you know she was rolling up one day , rolling up a joint and or a blunt what does everybody say ? We say blunt over here . Anyway , you know , one day she offered me some and I remember , I remember going back and forth with myself and I'm like , should you ?

Speaker 1 28:53

Nah , but see , what happens is , when a little bit of time passes , when you're like trying to quit a habit , it doesn't seem that bad anymore , because it's like , well , I mean , I've gone a couple of months without it , so it's not like I'm addicted or anything , like I can clearly go some time without it so I can quit at any point . Yeah , that's how it starts , that's the lie that you tell yourself . And so that's what I started thinking Like , well , I mean , I've gone a couple of months without it , you know , I'm fine , and if anything , I'll just do it this one time and be fine . So I ended up smoking and that's how that habit picked up again . Oh my God , I remember , oh my gosh , I remember so vividly .

Speaker 1 29:37

Like you know , I smoked with her that once . And then , you know , I just kept it , as I'm not going to buy for myself , I'm not buying . But then , you know , she'd smoke again . I'd be like , let me take a little , let me get a little hit . You know , like , let me get a little hit , yeah , yeah , yeah , and I'll be fine . Just a little bit , just a little micro dose .

Speaker 1 30:00

And before I knew it , I found myself buying again . You know , found a dealer , and now I'm smoking by myself again , and all the things . And literally the same thing happens right At first it's euphoric , it's amazing , I love it , ah , so good . And then after a while I noticed I started getting like my mood is a lot more down right , I'm getting a little bit more depressed , I'm in my head a lot . I'm not as productive .

Speaker 1 30:34

So , yeah , by the time you know , I graduated from college ciao . It was a . It was a done deal

Facing the Reality of Addiction

Speaker 1 30:40

from there because one , I'm back home Now I'm dealing with postgraduate depression . All right , the postgrad blues . You're confused about life . You don't know what to do with yourself . After college , I felt lost . Oh my God , that was a terrible time . I remember actually making a video about it on YouTube . I don't know if it's still up .

Speaker 1 30:52

So , yeah , of course , naturally , to cope with all of these feelings that I'm experiencing , I am drinking a lot , I'm smoking a lot and , mind you , I'm in my Nigerian parents' house . I don't know how I got away with it . I don't . I really don't . I think low-key . They knew , but like they just didn't . Maybe they didn't believe it , I don't know , but I tried to , like you know , go outside and things like that , but there's no way they didn't know they had to have . I don't know . I'll ask them , maybe I'll bring them on one day .

Speaker 1 31:26

So , from 2017 up until the beginning of 2022 , I battled essentially with an addiction , pretty much right , it was a habit that I had formed by this point and it was pretty solidified . And I remember , actually in 2018 , I started going to therapy because I recognized that I was not okay . I knew I wasn't okay . I knew it wasn't okay and unfortunately , what happens with a lot of young adults , teenagers , adults is your parents are working a lot , everybody's kind of doing their own thing , and you , you , you fly under the radar , and I'm just grateful and I'm thankful for the wisdom that God has given me , where he just like I don't know , he just prompted me to go get help for myself . I just was like , listen , listen , listen . I got to talk to somebody you know . So that's actually why I started therapy back in 2018 , for a number of reasons as well , but that was the main thing that I was like , yeah , if I keep going this way , I don't know what's going to happen to me . And yeah , so I started going to therapy and I wish I could say that therapy like fixed and cured everything , but it actually it did not right . It just made me aware of what I was dealing with and what was also the underlying thing that I may have been running away from .

Speaker 1 32:51

So , for me , what I've learned is that , even like the depression , it really isn't that . It was actually anxiety , which is like I don't know . I never like thought that I dealt with anxiety . I really didn't Like I just depression I could name . Yeah , I'm sad , but it's like why are you sad ? What are you sad about ? And it's like underneath that was anxiety , there was just a fear , there was a compulsiveness to fill the void of something right , and that's how a lot of habits form as you're trying to ease anxiety .

Speaker 1 33:30

What I noticed was I really started to feel like a zombie . I remember how much like it started to become so hard to just do daily things Filming , creating content , being creative . I can imagine that some of you that watched me over the years you may or may not have been able to even notice right , because I had to develop just this way of turning on for the camera because that was my job at that point . But so I would be giddy and stuff for the camera and I mean I would be like that sometimes in real life too . Yeah , but I have to be that way for the camera . But once I'm off camera , I was subdued .

Speaker 1 34:10

Okay , I was smoking my little thang and just chilling and I remember just feeling very zombie-like , especially if , like I would like chain smoke for days at a time be like , especially if , like I would like chain smoke for days at a time , and then , obviously , this contributed to the weight gain because I'm eating a lot more Right , and I remember just feeling like I was just not operating at the capacity that I knew that I could operate . On Right , there was a very stark difference between my productivity level by 2020 , right when I was deep into this addiction , versus , like me in high school , when I was sober and I remember being like whoa , are my brain cells being fried ? They were , and they say that . They literally say that smoking all the time will fry your brain cells . So , yeah , I noticed that too , because I remember that my memory recall started to get really bad too .

Speaker 1 35:11

Like I would try to , like I would be talking like in the way that I'm talking right now and I would it would be hard to recall certain words and I'm like girl , what's going on ? Like you that used to read I used to read a lot , like I know vocabulary and it's like I would . Oh man , it was tough , it really sucked , it really sucked . And you know , I think with any habit that you develop , there gets a point where you know you start to see that there's more cons than pros . Yeah , and by 2020 , 2021 , I really started to see that this thing , this thing , was no longer good . Oh man , I could , I could see that it was no longer good and , oh my God , I'm going to do a quick story time .

Speaker 1 35:57

So I remember 2021 , this was when I knew , ah , cheesy , this tin is starting to overtake you . Like , I was dating this guy , right , and I was like 25 , 26 . And you know , he's talking like marriage and stuff . And this is the first guy that like really was talking marriage to me and I was like , oh my gosh , wow , this is serious . And I remember thinking , whoa , am I still going to be smoking ?

Speaker 1 36:21

Mary Jane , as a wife and a mother , I never envisioned that for myself , you know , and nobody I don't think anybody does I didn't think it would follow me this far into my life and you know that just wasn't the plan for me . But I feel like that's how habits sneak up on you . So I say this so that you know , some of you that are listening , whether you've already indulged in things or you've thought about it or haven't like , or you know , maybe of you that are listening whether you've already indulged in things , or you've thought about it , or haven't like , or you know , maybe you have another vice of your own choice , but you really do want to think long and hard about the things that you indulge in , right , and it would be best if you do this before you try it in the first place , you know . But I'm lucky that I didn't even fall into harder drugs and that's not to say I didn't try it Because I did . Can you imagine , like I knew .

Speaker 1 37:09

I knew that Mary Jane was the gateway drug . So don't do other drugs , so that you don't go into the gateway of other things . But thankfully , right , I didn't get hooked on anything else . Honestly , I really feel like that was the grace of God , because I don't get hooked on anything else . Honestly , I really feel like that was the grace of God , because I don't know , you know .

Speaker 1 37:28

But I think that's what happens . That's what happens when you're just searching for stuff . Right , you're searching to just feel something to fill the void . And I remember man it was . I remember when I noticed that it was hard for me to sit by myself sober . That's when I knew I said youizzy , you have , you've finished yourself , you have , you have really you've done it , because when did it become hard to just be sober ?

Speaker 1 37:55

I say all of that to say , you know , I really do empathize with any of you that are secretly dealing with things that you know nobody really knows about . I , that is actually my story and , as y'all can see , I seem I seem very level-headed now , and that is because I have been sober for three years , almost three and a half years now , and I

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Speaker 1 38:15

actually want to tell you guys the story of how I ended up quitting . I would love to tell you guys about how I ended up quitting , because that was a whole miracle , but you're going to have to tune into the next episode to find that out . Okay , yes , because that's a whole nother story , but let me tell you it was miraculous . So make sure you guys stay tuned and come back next week for the next episode .

Speaker 1 38:41

But I just want to say , if there's any of you that have listened in , watched and you relate to my story at all , one , I want to say that I see you right . It doesn't necessarily have to be that you were , you know , smoking this particular drug or even doing drugs at all , you know , but we all have things that we are struggling with , we are secretly battling with , and I want to say that I see you , and not only do I see you , god sees you . You know , sometimes we feel like nobody in the world knows what we're going through . Right , and I just want you to know that you are actually not alone . I'm going to have resources down below If you are struggling with addiction , any type of mental health issue , I'm going to leave some resources down below so that you can get help , help , because I think it really is important to take your life into your own hands .

Speaker 1 39:30

Right ? You need to fight for your joy , fight for your wellness , and I hope this encourages you not to quit . There is more on the other side and we need you , okay , we need you here . So , please , please , please , please , get the help that you need and try Jesus . Please try Jesus . You don't got to believe in him . Just try him anyway . Try him anyway . But yeah , next episode I'll definitely be sharing how I was able to get free of addiction , so definitely stay tuned for that . I will see you guys in the next episode . Bye y'all .