I Guess I’m an Adult Now...
If you’ve ever felt like you’re just winging this whole “being an adult” thing… same. In a digital landscape filled with perfectly curated content, join Chizi Duru as she unpacks the messy, hilarious, and sometimes chaotic realities of growing up. From the lies we were told about adulthood to the sneaky ways trauma shows up in everyday life, nothing is off-limits. Expect deep convos, unfiltered rants, words of faith, wisdom, and the occasional mental breakdown (because, let’s be real we’ve all been there).
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I Guess I’m an Adult Now...
I Was Addicted to Weed for 8 years | My story | Part 1 - Ep 07
Text us and share your adulting stories!
For a long time, I didn’t think I had a problem.
Marijuana was just something I used to relax… a little something something once in a while, you know. Until it became a full-on 8-year addiction.
In this episode, I talk about how I got addicted to maryjanes in college, the mental and emotional spiral that came with it, and what healing looked like for me.
This isn’t about judgment — it’s about honesty and reevaluating our relationship with drugs.
And if you’ve ever felt like something had a hold on you, maybe this one’s for you, too.
Subscribe and join our community as we figure out this adulting thing together, one conversation at a time.
Subscribe now and join our community as we figure out this adulting thing together, one conversation at a time.
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I came to party, sorry, all right. Hey y'all, welcome back to the podcast. It is your girl, chizzy, and we are here for yet another episode. Make sure you guys are subscribed, following you know, downloading the podcast on Spotify, apple, you can watch on YouTube, but I'm loving the community that we are building here and the conversations that we're having. So, yeah, today we are talking about something very, very, I think, serious.
Speaker 1:I think this is more of a serious conversation and I want to just open up with you guys about some of the things that I have personally been dealing with in my life. I have been on the internet for many years now, but I'm a pretty private person at the same time, which I think all of us are to an extent, right. I think a part of adulting is presenting one way and then having the things that you are dealing with behind closed doors and only certain people know about it, and that's just what it is. But today we are opening up the curtains and I'm sharing. I'm sharing, you know, some of the things that I have personally dealt with. So this may come as a shock to some of you, but today I want to share and talk about how I became addicted to Marijuana. Okay, mary Jane Flower, what is it? Ebo and Shio. Which one is it, shio or Ebo? You know what I'm trying to say? Okay, I was addicted yes, addicted to Mary Jane for eight years. So I want to tell you guys my story Before we get into it.
Speaker 1:I did see this video on the interwebs. There's this video circulating of Justin Bieber and SZA. They had a performance together and Justin, poor Justin, justin looked out of it. Okay, he was, he was damn near on the ground. All right, that man was folded, he looked really frozen, he just he was in the clouds and he just looked like he visibly was struggling and, you know, sza at a point had to like just hold his chin and it kind of brought him back to earth where he was able to finish out the performance and stuff. And I think at first, when the video came out, people were kind of like, you know, oh, scissors, like everybody needs a black woman to save the day. But I think it's a lot deeper than that and I'm definitely praying for Justin because I didn't really realize that, like he does a lot of drugs. I didn't know that, but from you know, from what I'm hearing and what I saw he was very, very, very impaired and that looked like more than alcohol. That was not alcohol, baby. Drug addiction is real. Drug addiction is real and a lot of times you don't realize how it can overtake you and I feel like that's what we're really seeing with him and I just one, just prayers go out to him and I'm definitely be praying for him because it is.
Speaker 1:It is no joke, but it confirmed what I wanted to talk about today. I think this is a really big aspect of adulting, right, growing up, that we don't like to talk about, but it's a real reality for a lot of us. And that is just like picking up these seemingly innocent habits, right, that you just do as just a little vice to relax and get through the day or wind down or help you go to sleep and things like that. But you don't realize sometimes that these habits that you pick up can end up following you and grow into something bigger and before you know it, it's just like you can barely recognize yourself. You know it's crazy because I, low-key, cannot believe I'm telling this story. I have thought of the day right where I'd be able to share this story from a place of being healed and whole, and I can't actually believe that this is a reality for me, and I mean this in a positive way, like I'm so grateful that I'm able to be on the other side of this and speak to this conversation, because I think so many of us are dealing with it, maybe even currently. Some of you may relate, some of you may not, but regardless, this is my story. I don't know if I can say like the word. You know what I'm trying to say, so I'm just going to say Mary Jane, all right.
Speaker 1:So Mary Jane is now legal here in New York and in many states in America, and it's becoming very normalized. Right, it's pretty much a social drug. At this point, I would say that it's almost at the same level of alcohol. Not quite yet, I feel like. In a couple of years, though, it'll be like as normal, shall I say, as alcohol, and I just want to shed my. I want to shed light on my experience with it in the hopes of two things. Okay, one, that it will encourage some of you to just take a look at your relationship with Mary Jane and drugs in general low key drugs and alcohol but ultimately, I want to also encourage you to reflect on just your own specific habits. It doesn't necessarily have to be drugs, right, drugs right, but I think it's important that we find healthier ways to cope and to just enjoy life, because some of this stuff we do to have fun, so, yeah.
Speaker 1:So the first question or statement that I feel like some of you may say is you could be addicted to Mary Jane. I think we hear a lot of rhetoric like it's not that addictive, you know, you can't overdose on Mary Jane. Ain't nobody die from a little, okay, a little joint Shoot? Alcohol is apparently worse for you, right? You hear that it's natural. Right, it's a plant. In fact, even doctors are prescribing it to patients for chronic pain and anxiety and depression, and I don't necessarily disagree with these claims, but I do think that too much of anything isn't good for you. And to the point about whether or not you can be addicted to Mary Jane or not, baby, you could be addicted to anything. Okay, it's not necessarily about the drug. It's actually about addiction and how it starts and creeps up on you. That I really want to focus more on. But my particular battle was with Mary Jane, so I'm going to share that as well.
Speaker 1:Let's go to science real quick, because we are scholars over here, all right. So, according to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, the definition of addiction is a chronic relapsing disorder characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use despite adverse consequences. So it's actually considered a brain disorder because it involves functional changes to brain circuits involved in reward, stress and self-control, aka dopamine Okay, dopamine, all right. So, and these changes can last a long time, even after a person has stopped taking drugs. You know, it's really interesting because I battled with this over an eight to nine year period and it was a very slow. It was a very slow process.
Speaker 1:Many of you may or may not know, but I have been in therapy since 2018. Okay, I'm in a position where I do have a little bit more, will I say, information and knowledge about the things that I have particularly battled with. So I'm able to put language to it. I think if I wasn't in therapy right, and I wasn't working with a psychologist and a psychiatrist at some point to help me understand some of the things that were going on in my mind, I wouldn't have said I was addicted to Mary Jane. I would have said you know, I just had this little habit. I just had a little habit. But, baby, that is addiction. If you try to stop and you cannot seem to stop right, every time you put it down, eventually you pick it back up again. That's an addiction. It's a habit you have formed that you can't seem to break, that's addiction. So yeah, and honestly, you can be addicted to anything you can be addicted to break. That's addiction. So yeah and honestly, you can be addicted to anything. You can be addicted to sugar. You can be addicted to your phone, social media All right, we're dealing with that right now.
Speaker 1:There's so many things you can be addicted to, and it has more to do with the mind than the actual drug or thing. Also, it can also deal with the drug. Depending on the drug that you are indulging in, right, or the activity that you're indulging in, it can actually, like, cause you to be addicted as well. With cigarettes, right? Nicotine is known to be addictive. So this is why not only is addiction a battle of the mind, but it's also depending on the substance that you're using. That also creates a hold on you too.
Speaker 1:When I was doing a little bit of research, because I wanted to understand this more, as I'm sharing it with you guys. It's so interesting because addiction is actually a lot like other diseases, such as heart disease, right? So both of these things, addiction and heart disease they disrupt the normal, healthy functioning of an organ in the body, right, both have serious harmful effects and both are in many cases preventable and treatable. But if left untreated it can last a lifetime and may lead to death. Okay, but we're not going to get there, amen, amen.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I'll talk to my therapist, and she made a point one time where she was saying how, like with sugar addiction, right, the brain activity of somebody that is addicted to sugar is the same brain activity of somebody that's addicted to, like cocaine or something. So your dopamine receptors are essentially like a thing in your brain, right, a hormone in your brain. Is it a hormone? Please, I'm not a doctor, I didn't go to medical school, you guys know that. So, please, fact check. But essentially it has to do with risk and reward, right? So that's why we like social media, that's why we go to sugar, that's why we go to the thing that essentially raises up our dopamine, and the same thing can happen with drugs. So for me, right, I told you my mama was a little bit of a rolling stone back in her day, mary Jane wasn't the thing that I started with, it was actually alcohol.
Speaker 1:I remember when I drank for the first time, I drank by myself. Can you imagine Like what was I going through? A lot, actually, I was going through a lot. One day I'll tell you guys the story. But I started drinking when I was in high school, so I think I was around 14, 15. Yeah, I know, I know I don't, I don't look it, don't, do I? Exactly Because addiction has no face, clock it. Addiction has no face. All right, there is no look. This can touch anybody. Yeah, I started drinking when I was at 14, 15 in high school and that was just like my drug of choice then.
Speaker 1:But by the time I was a senior in high school, I remember I think I threw like a little get together at my house Well, my parents' house, because one thing about me I was throwing a little something in the basement, I sure was. And you know, one of my friends was like they went to like the garage and they were smoking and I was like, oh, what's going on here? And they were like you want to try? And I was like, yeah, I tried to smoke for the first time and I didn't know what I was doing, so I don't think it worked. It didn't work. Actually, I didn't really feel a difference.
Speaker 1:Then I remember it was the summer before I went off to college there's a thing called hot boxing, right? So you know, it was a couple of us, maybe one, two, three, I think it was five of us total and we were in the car and hot box the car. So, like you know, it's really potent. Okay, baby, I got so high. I got so high, I cried. I cried Like I don't I don't even know why I cried.
Speaker 1:I think I was feeling feelings that I'd never felt before. I just, oh, my goodness, I will never forget that day. But that was the day. That was the day that I was introduced to this new drug and at first I was like I'm never going to do that again. That was too much. Like, oh, it was a lot. But then I was like actually, that was kind of fun. That was kind of fun. And the food when you had some food, it tasted incredible. I was like you know what? That wasn't too bad, and that's where it got me.
Speaker 1:Okay, I went off to college and you know college is a free for all and I remember the first like week you go as a freshman. There's like no classes, so it's just like it's just a free for all. And you know everybody's doing all the things drinking, partying, smoking. So now you know I realize, oh, like, honestly, I think I was late to the party, like everybody was smoking by the time I started smoking. So you know I would smoke with other people, you know my friends and stuff and yeah, it just, it seemed cool, it was fine, it was fun. Like the laugh attacks were incredible, like, oh, I fell in love. When I tell you I fell in love with Demary Jane, I fell in love, I sure did. What I didn't realize was I found a way to cope with the things that I was dealing with and battling with. But to me it seemed fine, like it seemed like a really nice way to release and have fun. And because everybody else was doing it right, it didn't seem that deep. Everybody's drinking, everybody's getting blacked out drunk, everybody's smoking, like who cares, right? But it's only as time goes on that you start to like notice, you know, maybe maybe not, but I'm going to take you through the process of what happened with me.
Speaker 1:I do want to also preface by saying that I've always had a very good girl persona. Right, I'm somebody that I'm fairly wise, right, I'm pretty smart. So I've always been the type to just do what I need to do. You kind of slip through the cracks because of that, right, like nobody's really checking for you because you're not acting out, your grades are decent, like what's the issue? There could be no problem, right, and honestly, that had saved me over the years, I will say, because that's also why I didn't do Mary Jane, right, that's why I didn't do anything more than alcohol up until senior year.
Speaker 1:Because in high school, right, and even in middle school, we had a thing called the DARE program and they taught us about things like weed and how weed is a gateway drug and so you shouldn't start it, because usually that's the thing that you start and it leads to you trying stronger substances, which they're right about, they sure are they ate with that one. I knew not to do it, as most of us all do, but I just after a while I was like eh, meh, and I think also the media also planted a lot of seeds I would say took root a little later on in my life. So you know, shows like Degrassi, right, watching music videos, even shout out to, you know I love me some Fenty Beauty. But like even Rihanna, right, seeing these like influential figures with a blunt in their hand or a joint in their hand, like it looked cool, it looked so cool. So I'm like, okay, I mean it can't be that bad. And they said it was the gateway drug. So just don't go past that and it won't be the gateway, right Anyway.
Speaker 1:So by the time I got to college, right, my freshman year, my sophomore year, I started to smoke socially, right. So anytime my friends would meet up or like it's the weekend or something, you know we'll get a little something. You know, eat, watch movies or something, and it was just a blast. Okay, oh, I forgot a quick part. So that day that I first like tried Mary Jane like for the first time, and it hit me.
Speaker 1:I remember one of the girls that I was with. We weren't that like close in high school, but she was like super smart, like super, super, super, super smart, and I remember her being there and she seemed like a professional, like this is what she did all the time. And I remember being like, wow, that girl. Like when I say she was a genius, like she was a genius and she was smoking, and I'm like, oh well, it can't be that bad if she's doing it. She's on top of her work, so it can't be that bad. But I think this is what I mean about the fact that one addiction has no face Right, and a lot of times people that are high functioning go unnoticed and struggle more because they are high functioning.
Speaker 1:Baby at 16, why are you this much of a professional at smoking? I think I was blowing her high because I was, I was doing the most, right, I'm crying, I'm just like whoa and she's like just calm down, and I'm like dang. I'm just like whoa and she's like just calm down, and I'm like dang girl, sorry, this is crazy, but anyway. So yeah, so that's just like to my point, and I know a lot of you guys can probably relate. So I just want to say that I see you, I see you, and not only do I see you, god sees you, he sure does.
Speaker 1:Okay, so back to the story, right? So I'm in college, right? Freshman and sophomore year has come and gone and I'll never forget what we always said was oh, it's not addictive, you'll be fine. Just don't ever buy it on your own, because once you buy it on your own, that's when you know you may have a problem. So I'll never forget when I bought Mary Jane for the first time on my own, I said I'm a big girl, I'm a big girl and I want to do what I want to do.
Speaker 1:I found a dealer. I don't know how I found the person. I probably just asked someone, I don't know. I asked somebody right, because there's always the campus dealer and, you know, bought it and I smoked by myself for the first time and I loved it. Now I had peace and quiet, I could hear my own thoughts. Watching TV was like a whole new experience. The food still amazing, and I'm just like, yeah, I don't know, I got to relax in the comfort of my own space and dorm room and, you know, not have to deal with any other personalities, and I was just Ooh, I was hooked and I knew this was a marking moment in my life. I knew it right, because I remembered how everybody would say just don't buy it on your own, like, once you start buying it on your own, baby, it got you. So I knew this was a marking moment in my life.
Speaker 1:So by sophomore year I started to like you know, smoke a little bit more regularly on my own and what I would do was, you know, I did my work, I would do my work and then I would chill and I would smoke and I tried to like space it out right, because one thing, the kids are gonna talk right. So I learned quite a bit. I learned that, you know, you don't wanna like build up your tolerance too quickly, so try and space it out. So I would do that because, also, I had responsibilities, right, not only was I a biology major, so I had a heavy like course load, I was a part of different clubs, so I had a lot of responsibilities. So I tried to like only do it on the weekends or, you know, every couple of weeks or something.
Speaker 1:By junior year me and Mary Jane were in a full-blown relationship. Like you don't understand, I want I, I, anywhere that I could, I would smoke, I sure would. And again, it was normal, right, it was normal on a college campus, like drugs and alcohol was like a very normal thing. So I could kind of blend in and get away with it and not feel like that about it or feel like there was really anything wrong.
Speaker 1:Now, what started happening was it was starting to affect my school, like my schoolwork, right, because I love this thing so much, because this is how it gets you right. And this is the reason why people do drugs in the first place it's usually to feel good, because it feels fun, it's a way to relax, it's a way to like escape, right. So that's what it was for me At first. It was just really fun, like I really enjoyed it, and because it was so fun, I wanted to like do it all the time. So, and I saw other students, like I knew of other people that like would smoke all the time. So I'm like, ok, it can't be that bad, right, I should be able to do it.
Speaker 1:But I was definitely the type of person that like would smoke and then like, eventually I'm falling asleep, like I would get really tired. But you see, this is low-key insanity and this is how you know it was the devil. Because why did I think? Why did I think, if I'm getting tired all the time, why did I keep doing it? Anyway, child. So, yeah, I tried to get myself to be productive on it. Like it got to a point where I would try to study high on it. Like it got to a point where I would try to study high because I heard about other students like would be like they could study while high. In fact, they would say that smoking helped them study. So I'm like, oh, maybe smoking will help me study, girl, the way I would fall asleep, oh my God. And then I would try different strains, like maybe the indica would be better or the sativa. Yeah, that was not my case. I always ended up falling asleep like I would have like a good hour or two or even three where I'm like up and you know, I felt like I was being, I was super creative, like I felt like the thoughts were better, and and then I fall asleep.
Speaker 1:Midway of first semester of junior year I started to experience the negative effects of managing, because it always starts off good and then it gets bad. One obviously the tolerance starts building up. So you have to smoke more, right? Schoolwork is piling up, I'm sleeping a lot more, so I'm not being as productive. You know, I had a lot of responsibilities by that point.
Speaker 1:I remember I was like in leadership on in some clubs that I was a part of, but I was also like struggling with my mental health. I got really, really, really depressed. My junior year I remember that like I was down bad. I was down bad and I was just like in my head a lot and I was sad. I was super, super sad and I noticed that I was like a lot sadder than usual, like I had dealt with depression over the years. But by junior year I was like, girl, are you okay? I remember one of the days I was just like do you think maybe it's the weed? And you know I didn't want to believe it, I really didn't. But I had to look at the pattern, right. Every time I would smoke I'd get you know. It would be euphoria for a little bit, but then I'd get super tired, lazy, going to sleep. Right, I'm overeating, right, because I have the munchies. I'm thinking so much in my brain. My grades were going down. I wasn't keeping up with my responsibilities. I even started, I remember I started getting headaches every time I smoked too.
Speaker 1:And then, then the craziest thing happened my middle school friend passed away and we found out that he passed away from a drug overdose. He found his way into heroin and I think like fentanyl, and he overdosed and he passed away and, if I'm not mistaken, he was actually smoking Mary Jane and it was like laced or he mixed it or something. And what kept ringing in my head was how Mary Jane is a gateway jug. And I remember, you know, when we were in middle school and high school, I remember seeing the shift that started to happen with him because he started smoking pretty early, like maybe around middle school, middle school, beginning of high school. And I remember seeing the shift that started to happen with him because he started smoking pretty early, like maybe around middle school, middle school, beginning of high school. And I remember even seeing him with a cigarette one time and I said, whoa, you know, and it just like. So when that happened, I remember being like, oh my gosh, chizzy, maybe you should like, maybe this is your sign to just like chill out on this thing. You know, it doesn't seem to be helping you much, so chill out. So I was like, okay, and I me and my friends actually from high school we vowed because we're still in touch. At that time we vowed like, all right, we're going to stop smoking.
Speaker 1:So all of second semester of junior year, I believe, I stopped smoking and I was. I noticed that like I was a lot more clear headed. You know, just kind of get back on track with school. This was the time where I picked up a communications minor and I was just trying to figure out stuff with career. So it helped a lot. I noticed even like I would dream again, because I didn't realize that smoking so much I guess it would put me in such a deep sleep that I wouldn't remember any of my dreams. So I started dreaming again and I just felt good and I was like, oh, you know what? Yeah, you don't need that, that's you don't. You don't need to do that.
Speaker 1:And I think that's a tip that I want to share with some of you. If there's a feeling that you get, there's these very particular, I don't know moments in your life where you'll get this very slight feeling, where it makes you question or makes you go, hmm, right, and for me it was. I had to take a look at, you know, the habit that I picked up with smoking and had to ask myself, hmm, this thing, is this really helping you? I really do believe that that is like you know, your instinct warning you. For me, not only was it my instinct and my gut right, but I also think it was God warning me like, hey, watch out for this thing, because you don't realize what you're getting yourself into.
Speaker 1:And I think that's what happens sometimes with drug addiction, like that's how it starts. It starts off very innocent, because nobody plans on being a drug addict, like nobody. And you know when I think about you know, justin Bieber or Whitney Houston, right, like so many great people, started off with just this little habit. It didn't seem. It didn't seem that bad, but it was just this little habit. Over time it starts to snowball and before you know it, it overtakes you.
Speaker 1:So I did recognize for me, right when I was a junior in college and you know, my friend had passed from overdosing and I saw, you know, the negative effects that were starting to happen as I kept smoking. I recognized, hey, chizzy, you should probably put this thing down. And that was a very pivotal moment. It was a very pivotal feeling that marked oh Lord, oh man, I knew it, I knew it. And I think all of us low-key know, but maybe not, anyway. So I quit. I quit the rest of junior year. So second semester didn't smoke, and I think even the summertime no, by the summertime I smoked like once or twice, but I was like nah, nah, nah, no more, right, cool.
Speaker 1:So senior year of college comes and you know I have suitemates and I'm coming into my last year of college like just excited all the things. And by that point I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not smoking anymore, I'm not gonna do that, cause I just recognized that it wasn't a habit that I should keep doing. But then, because you know this thing is very normal, one of my suitemates actually like was a very regular smoker and you know she was rolling up one day, rolling up a joint and or a blunt what does everybody say? We say blunt over here. Anyway, you know, one day she offered me some and I remember, I remember going back and forth with myself and I'm like, should you?
Speaker 1:Nah, but see, what happens is, when a little bit of time passes, when you're like trying to quit a habit, it doesn't seem that bad anymore, because it's like, well, I mean, I've gone a couple of months without it, so it's not like I'm addicted or anything, like I can clearly go some time without it so I can quit at any point. Yeah, that's how it starts, that's the lie that you tell yourself. And so that's what I started thinking Like, well, I mean, I've gone a couple of months without it, you know, I'm fine, and if anything, I'll just do it this one time and be fine. So I ended up smoking and that's how that habit picked up again. Oh my God, I remember, oh my gosh, I remember so vividly.
Speaker 1:Like you know, I smoked with her that once. And then, you know, I just kept it, as I'm not going to buy for myself, I'm not buying. But then, you know, she'd smoke again. I'd be like, let me take a little, let me get a little hit. You know, like, let me get a little hit, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'll be fine. Just a little bit, just a little micro dose.
Speaker 1:And before I knew it, I found myself buying again. You know, found a dealer, and now I'm smoking by myself again, and all the things. And literally the same thing happens right At first it's euphoric, it's amazing, I love it, ah, so good. And then after a while I noticed I started getting like my mood is a lot more down right, I'm getting a little bit more depressed, I'm in my head a lot. I'm not as productive.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, by the time you know, I graduated from college ciao. It was a. It was a done deal from there because one, I'm back home Now I'm dealing with postgraduate depression. All right, the postgrad blues. You're confused about life. You don't know what to do with yourself. After college, I felt lost. Oh my God, that was a terrible time. I remember actually making a video about it on YouTube. I don't know if it's still up.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, of course, naturally, to cope with all of these feelings that I'm experiencing, I am drinking a lot, I'm smoking a lot and, mind you, I'm in my Nigerian parents' house. I don't know how I got away with it. I don't. I really don't. I think low-key. They knew, but like they just didn't. Maybe they didn't believe it, I don't know, but I tried to, like you know, go outside and things like that, but there's no way they didn't know they had to have. I don't know. I'll ask them, maybe I'll bring them on one day.
Speaker 1:So, from 2017 up until the beginning of 2022, I battled essentially with an addiction, pretty much right, it was a habit that I had formed by this point and it was pretty solidified. And I remember, actually in 2018, I started going to therapy because I recognized that I was not okay. I knew I wasn't okay. I knew it wasn't okay and unfortunately, what happens with a lot of young adults, teenagers, adults is your parents are working a lot, everybody's kind of doing their own thing, and you, you, you fly under the radar, and I'm just grateful and I'm thankful for the wisdom that God has given me, where he just like I don't know, he just prompted me to go get help for myself. I just was like, listen, listen, listen. I got to talk to somebody you know. So that's actually why I started therapy back in 2018, for a number of reasons as well, but that was the main thing that I was like, yeah, if I keep going this way, I don't know what's going to happen to me. And yeah, so I started going to therapy and I wish I could say that therapy like fixed and cured everything, but it actually it did not right. It just made me aware of what I was dealing with and what was also the underlying thing that I may have been running away from.
Speaker 1:So, for me, what I've learned is that, even like the depression, it really isn't that. It was actually anxiety, which is like I don't know. I never like thought that I dealt with anxiety. I really didn't Like I just depression I could name. Yeah, I'm sad, but it's like why are you sad? What are you sad about? And it's like underneath that was anxiety, there was just a fear, there was a compulsiveness to fill the void of something right, and that's how a lot of habits form as you're trying to ease anxiety.
Speaker 1:What I noticed was I really started to feel like a zombie. I remember how much like it started to become so hard to just do daily things Filming, creating content, being creative. I can imagine that some of you that watched me over the years you may or may not have been able to even notice right, because I had to develop just this way of turning on for the camera because that was my job at that point. But so I would be giddy and stuff for the camera and I mean I would be like that sometimes in real life too. Yeah, but I have to be that way for the camera. But once I'm off camera, I was subdued.
Speaker 1:Okay, I was smoking my little thang and just chilling and I remember just feeling very zombie-like, especially if, like I would like chain smoke for days at a time be like, especially if, like I would like chain smoke for days at a time, and then, obviously, this contributed to the weight gain because I'm eating a lot more Right, and I remember just feeling like I was just not operating at the capacity that I knew that I could operate. On Right, there was a very stark difference between my productivity level by 2020, right when I was deep into this addiction, versus, like me in high school, when I was sober and I remember being like whoa, are my brain cells being fried? They were, and they say that. They literally say that smoking all the time will fry your brain cells. So, yeah, I noticed that too, because I remember that my memory recall started to get really bad too.
Speaker 1:Like I would try to, like I would be talking like in the way that I'm talking right now and I would it would be hard to recall certain words and I'm like girl, what's going on? Like you that used to read I used to read a lot, like I know vocabulary and it's like I would. Oh man, it was tough, it really sucked, it really sucked. And you know, I think with any habit that you develop, there gets a point where you know you start to see that there's more cons than pros. Yeah, and by 2020, 2021, I really started to see that this thing, this thing, was no longer good. Oh man, I could, I could see that it was no longer good and, oh my God, I'm going to do a quick story time.
Speaker 1:So I remember 2021, this was when I knew, ah, cheesy, this tin is starting to overtake you. Like, I was dating this guy, right, and I was like 25, 26. And you know, he's talking like marriage and stuff. And this is the first guy that like really was talking marriage to me and I was like, oh my gosh, wow, this is serious. And I remember thinking, whoa, am I still going to be smoking?
Speaker 1:Mary Jane, as a wife and a mother, I never envisioned that for myself, you know, and nobody I don't think anybody does I didn't think it would follow me this far into my life and you know that just wasn't the plan for me. But I feel like that's how habits sneak up on you. So I say this so that you know, some of you that are listening, whether you've already indulged in things or you've thought about it or haven't like, or you know, maybe of you that are listening whether you've already indulged in things, or you've thought about it, or haven't like, or you know, maybe you have another vice of your own choice, but you really do want to think long and hard about the things that you indulge in, right, and it would be best if you do this before you try it in the first place, you know. But I'm lucky that I didn't even fall into harder drugs and that's not to say I didn't try it Because I did. Can you imagine, like I knew.
Speaker 1:I knew that Mary Jane was the gateway drug. So don't do other drugs, so that you don't go into the gateway of other things. But thankfully, right, I didn't get hooked on anything else. Honestly, I really feel like that was the grace of God, because I don't get hooked on anything else. Honestly, I really feel like that was the grace of God, because I don't know, you know.
Speaker 1:But I think that's what happens. That's what happens when you're just searching for stuff. Right, you're searching to just feel something to fill the void. And I remember man it was. I remember when I noticed that it was hard for me to sit by myself sober. That's when I knew I said youizzy, you have, you've finished yourself, you have, you have really you've done it, because when did it become hard to just be sober?
Speaker 1:I say all of that to say, you know, I really do empathize with any of you that are secretly dealing with things that you know nobody really knows about. I, that is actually my story and, as y'all can see, I seem I seem very level-headed now, and that is because I have been sober for three years, almost three and a half years now, and I actually want to tell you guys the story of how I ended up quitting. I would love to tell you guys about how I ended up quitting, because that was a whole miracle, but you're going to have to tune into the next episode to find that out. Okay, yes, because that's a whole nother story, but let me tell you it was miraculous. So make sure you guys stay tuned and come back next week for the next episode.
Speaker 1:But I just want to say, if there's any of you that have listened in, watched and you relate to my story at all, one, I want to say that I see you right. It doesn't necessarily have to be that you were, you know, smoking this particular drug or even doing drugs at all, you know, but we all have things that we are struggling with, we are secretly battling with, and I want to say that I see you, and not only do I see you, god sees you. You know, sometimes we feel like nobody in the world knows what we're going through. Right, and I just want you to know that you are actually not alone. I'm going to have resources down below If you are struggling with addiction, any type of mental health issue, I'm going to leave some resources down below so that you can get help, help, because I think it really is important to take your life into your own hands.
Speaker 1:Right? You need to fight for your joy, fight for your wellness, and I hope this encourages you not to quit. There is more on the other side and we need you, okay, we need you here. So, please, please, please, please, get the help that you need and try Jesus. Please try Jesus. You don't got to believe in him. Just try him anyway. Try him anyway. But yeah, next episode I'll definitely be sharing how I was able to get free of addiction, so definitely stay tuned for that. I will see you guys in the next episode. Bye y'all.
