Abstinence, Sexuality, & Dating At 30 as a Christian - Ep 16

Dating at 30 as a Christian comes with its own set of challenges, especially when abstinence, desire, and faith collide.

In this episode, I open up about breaking a three-year abstinence pact, the lessons I learned from dating again, and why knowing your values matters more than chemistry. This is an honest, vulnerable conversation about sexuality, faith, alignment, and learning to trust yourself again.

CHAPTERS / TIMESTAMPS

0:00 Dating Again at 30 & Breaking Abstinence

1:00 Why I’m Sharing This Story

2:00 My Dating History & Patterns

4:30 2020, Self-Worth & Slowing Down

7:00 My Spiritual Shift in 2022

8:30 Lust, Sexuality & Being Honest as a Woman

11:30 Why Abstinence Wasn’t Just Religious

14:00 Sex, Biology & Healthy Sexual Mindsets

16:00 Dating Again as a Christian Woman

17:30 Hormones, Ovulation & Real Struggles

18:30 Meeting Him & Immediate Chemistry

20:00 Values vs. Boundaries Explained

21:30 Why Misalignment Always Shows Up

23:00 Shame, Grace & Running Back to God

25:00 Lesson #1: Your Values Are Everything

27:30 Actions vs. Words

29:00 Communication & Emotional Maturity

30:30 Standards, Solitude & Singleness

31:30 Final Reflections on Dating at 30

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Catch up on:
The very first episode of Season 1 ⬇️
I’m Starting Life Over at 29 - Ep 01 
https://youtu.be/rucAJBDkc3c

You might like ⬇️
An Honest Conversation with my African Dad on Addiction - Ep09
https://youtu.be/_j8TtWodLcc

There's more for Season 2⬇️
Am I still Christian? Navigating Religion as an Adult - Ep 12
https://youtu.be/ahU5uaDd7DM?si=PNVY2iRoYlYmFn_d

Should you be a Content Creator in 2025? - S2 Ep 11
https://youtu.be/xymT216OLOE?si=cjGS2QQXJjPBkB5-

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:07

Hey y'all, welcome back to the I Guess I'm an Adult Now podcast. It is your girl, Chizzy, and today, like always, we're gonna be talking about some really raw, honest conversation. We're gonna be talking about dating. So here are the cliff notes for today's episode. Are you ready? Okay, I'm officially in my 30s. I recently broke a three-year abstinence pact and I learned some really hard truths about dating. So that is what we're gonna be talking about today. If you're excited, make sure you are not only subscribed on YouTube, but you're downloaded on Spotify and Apple. Listen, if you are loving this podcast, I'm gonna need you guys to start telling people about it. Okay? Tell people. Stop. I know some of y'all want to gatekeep me, but like, you can't gatekeep me. You have to share the knowledge. So you're probably wondering why I'm sharing all of this information today because we're I'm I'm really gonna be having y'all in my business. And it's not because I want y'all in my business, but really it's because I think there's a really powerful lesson in this recent experience that I've had. And I'm also in a place where I have processed it and I'm okay with sharing it. Um, and hopefully, you know, you can learn something from it. Um, and at the very least, you can relate, or if you just want to be nosy and want the tea, well, you'll get some of that too. So also let me know in the comments how are you guys like listening to the podcast? Are you guys watching on YouTube? Are you listening in your car? Like, what are you doing? I'm like so interested. Like, where am I in your orbit right now? Okay, so let's first talk about where I have been when it comes to dating in general. I haven't really had the best of luck when it comes to dating. I am a very deep and intricate type of person. So I like really deep connections. I'm like highly intuitive, right? So I can I can tell pretty quickly if I'm supposed to like be with someone or not. And because of that, I have very short-lived um experiences and dating experiences with men because I be knowing I'm not supposed to be with them. And it's actually really annoying because sometimes I just wanna live and I just want to enjoy the moment. But it's like after a while, it's like, uh girl, you're not supposed to be with this man. So you gotta go. Anyway, all that to say. So I've dated around just throughout my life, but never had like really long-term serious relationships outside of like one. Okay. And in 2020, I got to a point where obviously COVID happened, it was the lockdown. And before this, I was kind of traveling quite a bit, right? I was a full-time influencer and life was kind of picking up. And I was definitely how do I say this? I was living a vida loca.

unknown: 2:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 3:01

I was doing young 20-year-old things, okay, thinking I was grown. I was living pretty fast, I would say. I was living pretty fast. And 2020 slowed me down. And by that point, you know, I had experienced quite a bit of like situationships. 2020 gave me the opportunity to really stop and reflect. And I realized that even though I wanted like companionship, long-term companionship, at this point, what am I? Oh my god, I was like 25.

unknown: 3:33

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00: 3:34

Why does 25 seem like centuries ago now? Wow. I thought I was so grown. Anyway, so yeah, at this point, I'm like 25, and I I knew that eventually I wanted to, you know, get married, settle down, really find my partner. And I wasn't having like the best of luck. Again, I was having like these quick one-offs with people, and I'm like, what is that? So 2020 happens, and I really get the time to just chat with my therapist, right? Shout out to telehealth. That was when we actually switched over to virtual sessions because before that I used to go to my therapist's office. But either way, I really got to just reflect and I realized that ultimately, if I wanted a partner, like a certain type of partner, I would also have to like emulate these things for myself, right? And I definitely started to notice that there was a little bit of a lack of self-worth, right? Knowing my value and my worth. And because at the end of the day, I was allowing certain situations to happen, right? I was putting myself in certain predicaments that I would say wasn't indicative of, I would say, like my value. So ultimately I had to ask myself, why? Why do you allow this in your life? Like, why do you think this is okay? Um, and 2020 was that time where I really got to, for the first time, really start thinking about that. I wish I could say that everything got better after that, but we we all know life is a journey, right? And processing and the journey of self-discovery is low-key, never-ending. You are constantly learning something new, but I would say 2020 was really the beginning of my self-discovery journey. It started to become really clear to me that if I wanted to attract the right partner, and I put that in quotation marks, um, I would have to first understand who I even was in the first place. Um, because I think when you're in your mid-20s, we like to think we know who we are, but we really don't. You know, some some of us do, but I wasn't the person that I'd say, like, oh, I knew who I was. I showed up very confidently online and I was doing really well for myself. But behind closed doors, when it was just like me, I knew that there was a little bit of a lack of self-love there for sure. And it was showing up through my relationships. So by 2022, I had a major life shift. As many of you guys know, I had a spiritual encounter with the Lord Jesus Christ and that flipped my world upside down. So now, you know, even though I had started just this self-discovery process and journey, this was major. This was a really pivotal moment for me. And I knew that I had to stop dating like completely from when that happened, because when something like that happens, so much of like your major foundational values are now being changed. And I think you need to take time to really understand who you are, what you stand for, what do you believe in, right? Because all of these things are going to inform the type of person that you would want to settle down with. Like that's so major. So I knew immediately, oh, I don't know what's going on with me. I don't know what life is, what is the meaning of life? So I needed to just spend time with God and just sit down. Okay. So I would say majority of 2022, I really just spent time with God, relearning, unlearning who I am, who I am in Christ, just my identity, like really doing that deep root work. Um, that was all of 2022. Oh my God, that was whoo. What a year. What a year. It was, it was beautiful, but it was definitely it was hard, but it was beautiful. That was like looking back, I can't even believe that that was three years ago. Oh sorry. Yo, time, the way time flies is actually crazy. So 2022 was such an incredible year. Um, not only was I relearning myself, right? I also was supernaturally healed from so many things that I struggled with over the years. Um, one of them, you guys already know, my addiction to marijuana, I supernaturally just like got healed from that. And I never thought about, looked at, desired to smoke weed ever again. So that was life-changing. But another thing that happened was I was delivered from lust. Now, listen. I think sometimes as women, we're not as open about maybe struggles that we have when it comes to sexual things or like lust. But that was definitely, ah, I'm no different. I'm no better than a man, okay? Um, so yeah, I would definitely say that I struggled with lust, right? To paint the picture, 2020, before I had any encounter with the Lord, I already started telling myself that I wanted to start practicing abstinence, at least until I was in a serious relationship, because I recognized that um sex was a little like transactional. And I was I found that it wasn't helping me in when it came to dating, right? I kind of felt like maybe at the end of uh certain relationships that I had, I felt like it was very transactional sexually. So I'm like, maybe I should take this off the table and actually spend time getting to know, you know, these people to see if it's something beyond just sex, right? So this was a desire of mine two years before I even had an encounter with the Lord. So it wasn't a religious thing for me. I mean, I'm a very like one plus one equals two. I'm like, this isn't making sense, so let me stop doing this. Okay. Now, of course, I had that desire, but I'm a human being, right? I have urges and needs. So, baby, that that desire of mine didn't last very long. I did not make it. I did not make it, all right? So I remember being down on myself sometimes because I'd be like, dang, like, I said I wasn't gonna have sex with this man. But I also was like, you know what? You have to give yourself grace too, right? Anyway, 2022 happens. Now I find that like it's almost like now I was strengthened by the power of the Holy Spirit, amen. But I was really strengthened to just be able to abstain. And it was like, it was really cool because I I had tried to do it on my own before, but I couldn't. But all of a sudden, it was like I heard it in my spirit, where it was just like, you're not going to struggle with lust anymore. This isn't only just about being intimate with a partner, right? This is also about masturbation. This is also about watching explicit things online, right? Explicit things online, right? Um, we'll call it corn. When I say that, like all of these things, I struggled before because I didn't want to do it, but it was like I felt like I couldn't not. And it was, it was like all of a sudden I was really empowered by the Holy Spirit to be able to abstain, not only from being intimate with other people, but to not watch um things online and also not to masturbate. And that was incredible. Okay, that was different, all right? Because I know a couple of y'all, I know a handful of y'all. Even if you're abstaining from, you know, being intimate with other people, when it comes to self-pleasure, all right, maybe not so much abstaining there. And this is not to say like one or the other is bad. You, I feel like each and every one of you are on your own journey, and I am not here to judge you in any type of way. I just want to tell you my experience, okay? Self-pleasure for me was in tandem with watching explicit things online. And for me, I knew and I was convicted about watching explicit things online. Like I just knew that that just it didn't feel that didn't feel good to me. It wasn't something that I wanted to do. All of these things are under the the umbrella of lust. But here's the tricky part that I think it's really important for young girls, women, men, and boys to talk about, even if you are on um a journey of abstinence, is at the end of the day, sex, right, is a natural thing, right? We are literally wired biologically to have sex. And even in the Bible, God created sex to be beautiful under the covenant of marriage, right? So it's not like sex is all terrible. And I think sometimes when you start going on this journey of abstinence, right, to make it easier for yourself, you may just like in your mind switch to just make sex like this bad thing or just this thing you don't ever think about ever. And it's like that is also not realistic and natural, I think. Because it's still something, especially if you do desire to, you know, get married one day and have a partner, like it's still something that you're going to have to do, right? And and understand. So I think what is necessary for men and women is to, in the time that you are maybe abstaining, and whether or not you're abstaining to be honest, but really you wanna learn how to have a healthy mindset and understanding of sex. Because again, sex is good. It is meant, it like biologically, we're meant to have sex. So it's not like you should just throw it away. So, yeah, those are the things that I would say are kind of tricky about practicing abstinence. Um, being a human being, having hormones, having urges, having thoughts, it can be tricky because technically we are wired to be sexual beings. And then also sometimes to just kind of make it through, you kind of maybe may separate sex altogether and you just never think about it. You never think about even dating or all of that. But if you are somebody that desires companionship and marriage, that is something you're going to have to learn to like do and understand. So, and then also navigating the day-to-day of dating while abstinent. There's just so many things that come with it. But I think for me, what is important for people, human beings, but also especially believers as well, is if you are practicing abstinence, I think it's important to take the time where you are refraining to actually heal, to learn and relearn your understanding of sex and really like get to a point where you have a healthy understanding of sex because sex is meant to be good, right? God created it to be good. And I think not only uh does society portray sex in a way that is very can be very track transactional and all these things, depending on the experiences you've had as well, it could really warp your understanding and relationship with sex. So that's something I've definitely been working on in the last three years that I have been abstaining. Um, and that brings me to my next point, okay? So I recently started dating again, and I really want to tell y'all about it. Dating um now is really interesting because I know that eventually I definitely want to find, you know, my partner and do life with them, right? Um, I I want to get married, I do. But at the same time, I'm also I'm in this space between finding the person and like just living life on my own. And I would say that I definitely have this uh internal battle about when to date and how to date, as not only somebody that is abstaining, but somebody that is a believer. And when I say believer, I mean like believer and follower of Jesus Christ. The interesting thing about being a woman, right? Outside of the fact that you may have your own thoughts, desires, wants for yourself, right? Um, there's a lot of external pressures as well. Society is telling you things like your clock is ticking or you know, the man won't fall from the sky, and then you've got, you know, family, cultural background and pressures like that. So I had an internal knowing that I don't know, like, you know, when you just know certain things, or maybe you don't, but for me, I just know certain things. And I had a really strong feeling that I was not really supposed to be like dating per se, but the person is gonna come eventually. I don't know how, but I that's just what I feel and what I know in my gut. But you know, at the same time, I'm like, I'm young, I'm supposed to be outside, I'm supposed to be like trying things out and all that stuff, right? So this summer comes along, and uh I've kind of alluded to the fact that this summer was tumultuous for me. Um, there were some major things that happened that really had me just questioning everything, including the Lord. Me and I was actually like for the first time, I was really ready to like buck up at the Lord, like, God, why are you doing all this? Again, although I felt like I was supposed to not be dating, I think because uh out of frustration, I was just like, does God really not want me dating right now? Like, maybe I should be dating, you know? So I got the bright idea to download a dating app. Also, I think another thing that nobody warned me about was 29, when you start pushing 30, ovulation, oh my god, ovulation really starts kicking in. Like, I would say I was never really the type to be like hot, like hot and heavy. Like, I need to, I don't know. Like, I just I was I was fine, but 29? Oh my, oh my. Yeah, the hormones started hormoning. And although like the last three years, abstinence has been honestly a breeze. It was 29 that third year that I said, hold on, Lord, I need you to bring the man now. Because there's an itch that needs to be scratched, okay? So I think that also played a part in just like the frustration of it all. And I was just like, you know what? I think I gotta take matters into my own hands. So downloaded an app, okay. I figured I could just go on a couple of dates, make sure I'm not rusty, you know. That's all. That's how I went and met this man. So I meet a man and we had like really undeniable chemistry. It was like palpable. And that was a big thing for me because honestly, I really don't like men like that. I don't know if some of y'all can relate, but I don't know. I don't find a lot of people attractive. Like, I don't know how to explain it. But so if I have chemistry with you, that's like wow, I'm shocked. So obviously I'm intrigued. I'm like, hmm, that's interesting. So anyway, um, he presents really well on paper. We have a lot of the same interests, um, just seems like a great person. So we go on a couple of dates, da da da da da da da. But then the warning signs started coming in. Now, here's the beautiful thing about practicing abstinence. You can be very, like you are able to be very clear and like make really sound decisions about a person because you're not really intertwining in any other way that would make things very confusing. So I find that dating in the last three years of me practicing abstinence has actually been really simple. A lot of men actually have come along and I'm able to discern really quickly like no or yes, because I'm not like there's nothing really going on outside of us just speaking. Um, so with this guy, although we had really great chemistry and we had a lot of like nice and great conversation, some warning start signs started showing up. What was one of them? He didn't practice abstinence on his own already. Now he did say he was Christian and all that stuff. Lovely, that's fine. Again, everybody's on their own journey. I'm not here to judge anybody. Everybody technically cherry picks parts of the Bible that they want to follow and not follow. But for me, this was a major conviction of mine, and I desired somebody that was also um practicing abstinence for themselves and also just like for the Lord, right? I'm at this point where I'm kind of questioning everything. So I'm like, maybe I should ease up on this value of mine. It's not actually a boundary, this was a value of mine. And I'm learning there's a very big difference because boundaries are one thing, but values are like if you if you guys don't agree on a value, it's never really gonna work. So I had this internal conflict where it's like he says he's Christian, right? But he doesn't practice. Abstinence and this was really important to me, but I was like, let me just see what happens. Okay, well, what happened was um I landed in his bed. That's what happened. Okay, so this is what I figured would happen, and this was where the internal conflict was happening. If you're not already practicing abstinence for yourself, and I'm trying to practice abstinence, but I'm also a human being with hormones and raging, raging eggs that want to be fertilized, how are we realistically going to ever make it, right? So I knew that. But, you know, because I decided to bend on this value, major value and boundary of mine, I found myself in a compromising position. And of course, naturally, I was not able to stay strong enough. So naturally, there was a lot of, you know, spiritual wrestling that kind of happened here. And it wasn't even just spirituality. I also think it was just about not being aligned with someone and crossing my own boundaries, right? How could I realistically be with someone that doesn't honor the things that I truly genuinely desire for my life and, you know, a union and relationship with someone? This caused me to, you know, kind of isolate. Um, I definitely had to block them a couple of times. And it wasn't, it wasn't, you know, I would say healthy. It wasn't the healthiest way to communicate. But I found that I was also triggered. I was really, really triggered by the whole thing. So I actually learned a lot in this um experience. First, let's talk about spiritually. I'm not somebody that harps on things like this because I received really great advice when I first gave my life to the Lord. And it is that if you ever find yourself falling back into sin, the first place you should run is towards God and not away from him. And I have really like kept that advice and I've utilized that in my life, and it has helped me so much because God says that once he forgives you, he literally forgets the sin. The sin is no more. So a lot of times we end up like getting down on ourselves and like feeling all this shame, and now you don't want to talk to God and all these things. When in reality, it's like if you are ready and you repent and you're ready to turn, like he forgives you. I understand there's also a battle where it's like sometimes you don't want to stop. You don't want to stop sinning, right? So then what? And that was where I found myself. So me and this guy were intimate, right? Now, the first time I was like, dang, oh no, okay, I had to block him. I'm never gonna do this again. I'm going back to the Lord. But then, you know, I was like, wait a minute, that felt really nice, right? So now I find myself kind of continually doing it with this man. And now I really feel bad because I know that I am not only crossing my own boundaries, but I'm also disobeying the Lord, right? So now I really feel like, oh, I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to the Lord knowing I'm doing this and I don't really want to stop. There was definitely uh a conflict there. There was a conflict there. And over time it became really clear that he just did not care that much when it came to um honoring the Lord um with our bodies. So I had to make the executive decision to let this man go because I knew we're not aligned, we're not aligned values-wise. Even though he says, you know, um he's a Christian and follows this, you know, religion or whatever, he doesn't. And that's okay. So, what did I learn from this experience? Because that is actually why I'm sharing this and doing this episode in the first place. Because I think there were a lot of lessons um that I learned and that you guys can learn as well. And if you have any other thoughts, please comment them. So, the first one, your values are everything. I think it is really important for you to define your own values first, okay? And this should not be borrowed values, these should be your own values. And it's okay if these are gonna change after a while, but you should know where you stand about your values. For example, abstinence isn't really about religion, right? It's about alignment. So you may not be a religious person, but you are somebody that maybe wants to practice abstinence for a certain amount of time or um till marriage because you want to honor your body or get to know somebody without being sexual. That is an important value for you. And if that is important to you, you need to know that so that as you are dating and seeking to find different partners, you find somebody that's aligned with that value. Does that make sense? Maybe another example could be like financial literacy. Financial literacy can be a really core value, and this is actually why a lot of marriages and relationships don't work because financially they're not aligned, aligned with their values. You may really think it's important for you to understand finances and all of those things. You need to find somebody that's also aligned with that value too. Yeah, that was a major, major lesson that I learned. Another lesson is that actions always reveal true values, not their words. Okay. So people can say things. People can say, oh, for in my example, oh yeah, I'm I'm willing to go on that abstinence journey with you, but their actions said another thing. Okay. So I my rule of thumb is always close your ears and open your eyes. Watch people's actions because that will tell you everything that you ever need to know. And then also when it comes to like specifically abstinence, I've come to the realization that they're gonna just have to practice it for themselves. This is for me. You, your situation may be different, but because it's not only just about like honoring my body or whatever, it is actually a spiritual thing. They have to be practicing it for themselves and not for me. And I think the misalignment will always end up resurfacing. And at least in this last experience, that's exactly what happened. And I think even with the values concept, it goes beyond relationships. I think this really works for friends as well, um, specifically for friends. So, for example, one of my like core values is just not gossiping about others. Gossip can get very tricky, right? But for me, I know that I try my best not to like actively gossip about others. And I find that that is a core value of mine. And friendships don't end up working out if they don't also practice or have that core value because then I feel misaligned with them, right? They're okay with just talking smack straight up about other people. And I'm like, oh my God, mm-mm, it doesn't work for me. So I think it's really important to know your values, not just for relationships, but for friendships too. Another major lesson that I learned through this experience was just the importance of communication. Regardless of whether or not you stay with a person, you need to know how to communicate your emotions. You just have to because if I say I want to be married, right, and have a long-term partnership with someone, there are gonna be times where there's disagreements. There are gonna be times where I'm frustrated, there are gonna be times where I'm triggered. And I can't just be blocking these people. I just can't keep blocking people. And that really came up in this experience. Like when I'm annoyed, I'll just block you. And I'm like, oh my God, I can't do that if I want to stay with you. Yeah. So communicating your emotions is really, really important. Um, and it's okay to take a beat, take a second, take some time. Um, but eventually you need to open up and share because people cannot read your mind. People can't read your mind, even though that's annoying, but people can't read your mind. And then also people are people will test your boundaries, okay? In the same way that you should watch people's actions and not what they say, is the same way people are also watching your actions in comparison to what you say, right? So even if you say, oh, this is a boundary of mine or this is a value that I practice, they're also watching you to see if you actually stand by that. Yeah, just know like people that you date are going to test your boundaries. So if you are not actually standing firm on said boundaries or said values, then why should they?

unknown: 28:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 28:26

Another thing is it's okay to have a standard. It's okay to have a standard. I think there is a lot of, you know, noise, external noise, that tells us as women and just as people what we should allow and not allow or be okay with when you are dating. But I, and I honestly almost gaslit myself into thinking that I had to lower my standards in order to find, you know, a viable partner. But like, no, absolutely not. What I want and what I desire is not crazy. There is somebody out there that will be willing, more than able to meet that standard. And this last experience honestly taught me that does everybody not practice abstinence? Yes, but like there's somebody that does. We'll find each other eventually. And then also, lastly, being alone really isn't that bad. Being alone is really not that bad. And here's what I mean. So after being abstinent for three years and then being intimate again with someone, I realized that like there is such a beauty in solitude because I don't even want nobody touching me like that all the time. Like, I was like, oh my God. So if I got married, I would have to keep doing this. Oh my. So all of a sudden, it has really renewed my perspective on singleness. Now, this is not to say that I don't ever want to be married. No, obviously, still want that, but it's just like I'm okay with waiting a little longer. I'm actually okay with the solitude for a little bit. I think in this scenario, yeah, maybe the Lord didn't want me doing it, but I learned a lot from it. Okay. I learned a lot from the experience, and it just reminded me the beauty of solitude. So that's what I learned. That is how dating in my 30s has been going. I've only been 30 for about 10 days, but oh wait, no. I've only been 30 for four days. I've only been 30 for four days. That means I'm actually still in my 20s, technically. But anyway, um, yeah, that is what I've learned um so far, just dating in my 30s or just as a growing adult. Um, yeah, let me know some experiences that you guys have had recently. What lessons have you learned? Are you dating? Are you not dating? Are you married? Are you single? Like, what's going on with you? I want to know. Um, but yeah, I hope you just take away from this that it is important to know your values and you should honor your own values. And there are people that will share those same values as well. Uh, for me, the Astonish journey continues. All right, me and the Lord are back on track. Who knows? I don't know what my journey looks like moving forward, but I know that you know everything happens for a reason, and at least, at the very least, I'm gonna learn something from it. So, yeah, that's it. That's all I got. That's all I got for you today. So I'll see you guys in the next episode. Bye y'all.