3.1 Gags in Space - the Cosmic Comic Intrusion

Season Three is here! - heralded by a global mystery in Seoul. A strange box has appeared on the stage of k-pop supergroup JeanStarz. Let's pray it's not an alien music box...

Once again The Big Muddler brings unwholesome variety to your ears. New this season is a phone-in where the callers sound oddly familiar. But that's as far as the novelty goes. Otherwise it's the same mirthless parade of old routines. Some Listed Jokes, of course, plus marine soap opera Great Crustaceans, where Spider's got a new song that, again, seems oddly familiar. Oh, and there's a new member of the band.

Our trip to Muddler Live comes from Walthamstow Folk Club, and it comes with a rare tidbit - a parody of that music hall classic If it Wasn't for the 'Ouses in Between, written by Norfolk's finest - the Kipper Family. I learnt this treat from London legend John White (who I think was 101 years old, honest, when I last saw him perform it). Oh, and apologies, again, to anyone offended by Verse Two. 

This week's advertiser is Ruislip Robots, with an important product upgrade notice. 

The architect of this asinine assembly is - as always - Matthew Crampton. Check out incriminating evidence at 

Do get in touch via thebigmuddler(at)matthewcrampton.com. I'm also on the anti-socials: matthew.crampton on instagram and MatthewCramptonStoryAndSong on facebook. 

Do explore the excellent spoken word recordings of Musical Concepts: https://musicalconcepts.net/genre/spoken-word/

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night (Dylan Thomas) read by Richard Burton (1955) on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

Ode To A Nightingale (Keats) read by Robert Donat (1958) on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

Crowd Medium.wav by Audionautics -- https://freesound.org/s/136978/ -- License: Attribution 3.0

20160308_07.tourist.talk.flac by dobroide -- https://freesound.org/s/339765/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Child Laughing by SergeQuadrado -- https://freesound.org/s/636955/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Muzak 3 by TeffyD1 -- https://freesound.org/s/752531/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Transcript

Strange box in Seoul

Welcome to the show

Phone-in

Speaker 1 0:05

Excuse me, excuse me, let me through, let me through, thank you. Gamsahabnida, thank you. It's like the Tower of Babel in here. These people, would you believe it, are scientists. Thank you. Merci. Xie, xie, thank you, Danke, Danke, but they're very excited scientists. They've gathered here just outside Seoul in South Korea, and they've come from all over the world to examine something, something unusual that's just appeared. It's a casket or a box, certainly an object. I'm looking at it right now. It's about a meter high, thin, at least I think it's thin, for it's hard to work out its true dimensions, for sometimes it's not there. Or doesn't appear to be. I mean this object is rather odd. Nobody knows what it's made of, or if it's made of anything. Perhaps the best description is a hologram, though there's no obvious source of illumination. Oi, oi, oi, watch out there. I'm just making way for a film crew. It's either CIA Special Ops or one of the UFO influencers who are here. Anyway, back to the casket. It can't be picked up or moved as it doesn't seem to have any mass. But it's an object of international obsession, as it appears to have come from outer space. Yes. So the scientists have gathered to discuss what to do with it. And this setting is unusual too. It's the World Cup Soccer Stadium in Seoul, for this is where the object first appeared last week. During a concert by K-pop supergroup JeanStarz. We're actually on what was the stage, exactly where it emerged during the gig. But the stadium has been emptied, except for soldiers with some pretty high-tech kids, the scientists, those bloody influencers who seem to get everywhere these days, and a couple of observers like me. There's a theory that aliens want to communicate with Earth, and they saw the K-pop gig with its huge audience and thought the performers must be leaders of humanity. Which in a way I suppose they are. And so the aliens beam the object down here. Now, would you believe it? There's a young girl, I mean, maybe only three years old. She's walking towards the casket. She's one of the scientists' children. I mean, this seems risky, but her mum, if that's her mum, is encouraging her. Perhaps a child's natural curiosity will unlock this enigma. The girl's waving her hand through the hologram. She's having fun. Now she's trying something else. She's tapping it. It must have solidified as she's able to run her hands all over the surface. I must say the soldiers have edged forwards, their hands on their weapons. Some scientists are looking rather nervous, but the girl's mum looks delighted. I suppose it's not every day your toddler gets to help the world. Oh. And she's found something. Or she's pressed something. A light has come on inside the casket. Its top is lifting off. A sound is emerging. What do the aliens want to tell us? Is this a message from the future? Oh no. No, I know that sound. And now it's coming from outer space. Oh my goodness. Is there nowhere in the universe you can escape from The Big Muddler? Vats of vacuous variety. They say you can't have it all, but then again, where would you put it? Here's something you can put anywhere, and I wish you would. It's The Big Muddler. Season 3, in fact. Yes, we're back for more. And so apparently are you. Have you learnt nothing? Why do you keep returning to the scene of the crime? This is how they define insanity. Repeat listening in the hope that one day somehow the show will become funny. Well, good luck with that one. Though you may be in luck today. Since the last series, Matthew Crampton has been away having his body rebuilt. And there's a chance, albeit a slim one, the doctors finally grafted him a funny bone. Let's find out. The topic for today's phone-in is aging. How do we grow old gracefully? And we've got a Mr. Burton on the line from Patalbut. So, Richard, what's your tip for coping with old age? Do not go gentle into that good night. And why is that?

Speaker 4 5:28

Old age should burn and rave at close of day.

Speaker 1 5:32

Really? That seems a bit extreme.

Speaker 4 5:32

Rage. Rage against the dying of the light.

Speaker 1 5:38

Have you tried the new LED bulbs?

Speaker 4 5:40

Though wise men at their end know dark is right.

Speaker 1 5:44

They scarcely need changing.

Speaker 4 5:44

.Because their words had forked no lightning, they do not go gentle into that good night.

Speaker 1 5:51

What about your parents, Richard? Were they like this?

Speaker 4 5:54

And you, my father, there on the sad height. Curse. Bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night.

Speaker 1 6:04

Ah, so it's a learned behavior.

Speaker 4 6:06

Rage. Rage against the dying of the light.

Speaker 1 6:10

Well, thank you, Richard. Clearly some issues there, but it's one point of view. Now for another point of view. Mr. Donat in East Cheem. Robert, how are you today?

Speaker 6 6:20

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense as though of hemlock I had drunk.

Speaker 1 6:26

Seems a bit early to be drinking. What's your tipple?

Speaker 6 6:29

Oh, for a beaker full of the warm south. Full of the true, the blushful Hypocrene, with beaded bubbles winking at the brim and purple stained mouth.

Speaker 1 6:42

Now that sounds like an Australian Shiraz. Robert, I understand you're calling from your care home.

Speaker 6 6:47

Here where men sit and hear each other groan, where palsy shakes a few sad last grey hairs.

Speaker 1 6:54

Are there any young people around to cheer the place up?

Speaker 6 6:57

Where youth grows pale and spectre thin and dies.

Speaker 1 7:01

That doesn't sound good. Now, I can tell you're a serious fellow. So let me ask you a serious question. How are you approaching the end?

Speaker 6 7:12

For many a time I have been half in love with easeful death.

Speaker 1 7:15

Oh, steady on, Robert.

Speaker 6 7:16

Called him soft names in many a mused rhyme to take into the air my quiet breath.

Speaker 1 7:22

Right. And what have you learnt from this?

Speaker 6 7:25

Now more than ever seems it rich to die. To cease upon the midnight with no pain. While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad in such an ecstasy.

Listed Jokes

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Great Crustaceans

More phone-in

Speaker 1 7:40

Well, listeners, I don't know about you, but when I cease upon the midnight with no pain, I'm not sure I'll be in ecstasy. Thanks to Robert Donat there in East Cheam, and yes, we've alerted the emergency services. Now let's turn to lighter matters. Cupcakes. Are they back for good? They're old, they're creaky, they need some love, so tell them every day those listed jokes. Here's today's dose of creaky classics. My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but we knew them as grandma and grandpa papa papa papapa. Right now I'm compiling a list of famous quotations from Bugs Bunny. If you'd like a copy, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc. You see that? WhatsApp doc? Oh, don't worry. Now the other day I lost money on three horses. They were called Sunshine, Moonlight, and Good Times. I blame it on the bookie. And finally, how does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya! Unless, of course, they're historically from the Horn of Africa, in which case, Abyssinia. Well, that's enough now. Goodbye. They're old, they're creaky. They need some love, so tell them every day those listed jokes. This is a product upgrade notice from Ruislip Robots. Purchasers of our RoboBuddy Office droids should now download the latest Behavioural Sensitivity Module 2.5 to upgrade workplace attitudes. New regulations brought in by the incoming Reform Government now require all droid employers to quit using Behavioral Module 2.1. As background, this was introduced to ensure compliance with legal prohibitions on language tending to offend in areas of race, gender, or religion. These prohibitions have now been removed, and droids now share the same rights of insult enjoyed by all humans in the workplace. But note ancillary requirements strictly forbidding any criticism or questioning of government policy or personnel. On hearing such language, your droid will automatically report the speaker to central control and signify the breach of protocol by displaying a St. George's flag upon their fore and aft screens. If you have any questions or you'd like to see our new range of RoboBuddy Patriot models, do pop in to Ruislip Robots today. You know, every bathroom needs soap. And so I would suggest does every sketch comedy podcast. With The Big Muddler, this cleansing comes courtesy of Great Crustaceans, a marine soap opera based on a beach, and starring a motley bunch of shellfish musicians. They form their own rock band, with Squid Vicious on bass, Spider on drums, he's a spider crab, and the ever-grumpy Razors on lead guitar. He's a Razor clam. And this week he's even angrier, as someone new may be joining the band. They're wild. They're snappy, but they're seldom happy. They came in on the wrong tide, got washed up on the stand, they got nowhere left to hide, so they found themselves a band. Their great crustaceans great crustaceans Their Great Crustaceans Hey, you be careful with that. Who are you? I'm Otis. Who are you? I'm razors. It's my band. Your bandy. I thought it was how you say a group share. There's no grope in here, mate. We're a group. But we don't share much. You don't? Nah. That's a shame. Where I come from is the home of democracy, is Greece. We like to share very much. I heard about that. But you also like your generals, don't you? They're not very democratic. Well, yes, we have had our problems. But now it's all sunshine and joy. Like me. Oh dear. And what are you doing here? Didn't you know? I'm joining the band. I didn't. And you're not? Yes, I am. No, you're not. What do you play anyway? I play keys. That's my keyboard. I wondered what that was doing here. Here, let me show you. We don't play that kind of music. But you see, I can play. That's not hard. Anyway, we don't need a keyboard player, do we, Squid? Hello, Otis. Hello, Squid. You know him? Of course I do. He says he's joining the band. That's great. We're lucky to have him. Why's that? Well, first off, Otis Octopodes, hello, is like one of the most famous musicians in the Mediterranean. So? So a lot. He's very good. He'll fill out our sound, and he'll bring us a whole new fan base. I don't believe this. Why does no one tell me anything? Ah, I see you've met Otis. Are you behind this, Ken? Isn't he wonderful? Aren't we lucky? But it was Spider who introduced us. What? Hello, Spider. Hello, Otis. Glad you could make it. How do you two know each other? Yes now. He helps me with my songs. You must be joking. He's a kind supportive musician. You could learn from that, Ray. Today I'll be known as Razors. And no one's joining my band without me saying so. Yes, of course, Ray. Now, shall we get on with the meeting? What needs talking about? I've written another song. Oh no, this gets worse. It's quite personal. They're all personal. That's their problem. Because you have no personality. Haha. What's the song about, Spider? It's about playing in a rock band. Then why are you holding a ukulele? I use it to write songs. It's not very rock and roll. I can't use the drums when I'm composing. Why don't you play us your song, Spider? I will. It goes like this. I notice. Do join in. Can I come in on bass? Sure, Squid. And can I join in on nothing? I never thought that I'd play in a bow with some mates who live on the sand. I never thought I'd travel on tour and play to crowds on every shore, but now I do. All I want is to come home. Been a long way cross the ocean. Been a long way cross the sea. But I just can't hide the feeling. This life is not for me. The only rock that I want is the one where I live. Oh, Bray, why do you have to ruin that? It was really nice. I think that is a sad sign, I know. You have a real soul, Mr Spider. No, he's a real arsehole. He's a crab. Bray, shut up. Can't you say something pleasant for once? Squid, can't you see? He's just writing crap covers. I love that song in all its forms. What do you mean all its forms? I wrote that. Well, you wrote the word spider. And I wrote the music? I don't think so, Mr. Spider. That's from Mr. Drake. Right on notice, you tell him. Yes, Mr. Drake, the original bed wetting troubadour. No wonder Spider likes him. You know art takes many forms, and what Spider has written, that's art. Oh, thank you. And thank you for playing along. It's nothing. Oh God, it's a lovin'. Whatever happened to being angry young rockers? Well, for one thing, we're not young. That's not the point. And apart from you, Ray, we're not really angry. You should be. How else are you gonna make music? There are all kinds of music, Mr. Razors. We must not be one trick posers. I think you mean one trick ponies. Yeah, whatever. Well, boys, I think we've got a new band member and we've got a new song. Not a bad morning. What we should vote on anyone joining the band. All right, let's do that. Who's in favour of Otis Octopodes joining Great Crustaceans? You don't get to vote, Otis. He doesn't need to. We've got three in favour. And who's against? Just you, Ray. Well, that's carried. Welcome to the band, Otis. It's a stitcher. No, Ray, it's progress. And it's great to have Otis on board. I'm gonna go off and get angry somewhere. Well that shouldn't be too odd. I'll get you, butler. Not if I get you first. Haha They came in on the wrong tie. Got washed up on the sand. They got nowhere left to hide. So they farmed themselves up and their great crustaceans. Great crustaceans. Their great crustaceans. Before that was Bill Withers with Lovely Day, and the answer of course is 18 seconds. Now back to our phone-in, and the topic is holidays. Where have you been recently and how did it go? Joining us now is Alec in Regents Park. Tell us about your latest trip, Alec.

Speaker 5 19:43

A cold coming we had of it. Just the worst time of the year for a journey and such a long journey.

Speaker 1 19:50

Now, Mr. Guinness, I'm guessing it was a winter break.

Speaker 5 19:53

The very dead of winter. And the camels galled, sore footed, refractory, lying down in the melting snow.

Speaker 1 20:00

Camels? Sounds like you were in Egypt or nearby.

Speaker 5 20:03

The city is hostile and the towns unfriendly, and the villages dirty and charging high prices. A hard time we had of it.

Speaker 1 20:11

You know you can avoid that with a package holiday. But tell me, was it all bad? I mean, was there anything you liked?

Speaker 5 20:18

The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces, and the silken girls bringing sherbet.

Speaker 1 20:23

That's more like it.

Speaker 5 20:24

And the camel men cursing and grumbling and running away.

Speaker 1 20:26

Well, you can't win them all.

Speaker 5 20:28

And wanting their liquor and women.

Speaker 1 20:29

I've heard that about Cairo. But overall, did you enjoy the holiday?

Speaker 5 20:34

It was, you may say, satisfactory.

Speaker 1 20:38

And would you go again?

Speaker 5 20:40

I should be glad of another death.

Muddler Live

Closing words

Speaker 1 20:43

Oh goodness, today's phone-in has been quite a dark one. So here's something chirpy to take us up to the news. It's been requested by Lucy from the Happy Returns care home in Pontefract. Here's Queen, with another one bites the dust. .Let's take a trip to Mudler Live, that magical land where people love to laugh and sing. This time we're at the Walthamstow Folk Club with a new version of a music hall classic. And it comes with a trigger warning if you're from a certain maritime city in the Northwest. I got married yesterday to Miss Christina Chad, a virgin pure. At least that's what I reckoned. But later she admitted that I'm not the first she's had. And truth be told, well neither am I second. For she's been married seven times, and each time she's been true. So when I heard the wedding chimes and claimed my bride I knew that my darling Christine would have been entirely pristine if it wasn't for the spouses in between. For those, uncertain there's an old music hall song in which someone boasts about the residential attributes of their East End slum by singing in the - chorus with a ladder and some glasses you could see to Hackney Marshes if it wasn't for the houses in between. So just the other week I went up north to visit some poor relatives up there. Usually I avoid the area, of course. I find their funny accents hard to bear. But some of them are not so bad once you get to know 'em. With someone posh to show 'em, some improvement could be had. In Cheshire and in Lytham., you could do something with 'em if it wasn't for the Scousers in between. If anyone's been offended by any of the issues raised in tonight's show. Now a chap must keep in shape if he wants to cut a dash, and I'm a dash cutter, you can tell. You have to watch your weight if you want to cut a dash. A swell can simply not afford to swell. But some parts of a person are not so easily seen. The parts a person perches on, if you see what I mean. But with a pair of looking glasses, you could see just where your arse is, if it wasn't for the trousers in between. Thank you. Well, I'm glad to report that child in the stadium is safe, thank goodness. The awful theme tune did no damage. And the scientists are more excited than ever. They want to know how bad jokes and cheap variety entered the cosmos in the first place. But now it's there, the Big Muddler will no doubt echo for eternity. And with it will chime that celestial collector of Cod swallop, Mr. Matthew Crampton. Which means he'll be back. So whether you're listening on Earth or Alpha Centauri, that's something you should really think about avoiding. Bye now. Matthew Crampton here. Hope you're enjoying the show. You probably are if you're still listening. Now, I've got a dilemma. A lot of people listen to the Big Muddler, but I don't know who you are. So why not say hi? Drop me a line. I don't bite... You can find my contact details in the show notes. And so why not? Do it now.