3.2 They've Landed in Lowestoft!

The enemy are closing in. They’re approaching from Lowestoft, AND Beccles. Worst of all, they’ve got a new weapon, some kind of audio device. But will regulation ear defenders be strong enough? Unlikely. 

Actually, not at all. Few humans can withstand this level of insanity. Yes, The Big Muddler is bursting across the battlefield. And few will survive unscathed.

For those who do, here’s what lies in store. More afternoon phone-in, where the callers seem oddly familiar, and poetical. A near-the-knuckle collection of Listed Jokes, including Kenneth Williams infamous warm-up joke, as recounted by Barry Took in his book of Round The Horne scripts. 

The boys from The Rest is Jollity are trying to record an ad for their new sponsor, which of course goes horribly wrong. Meantime, soap star Squid Vicious is being interviewed by a dodgy journalist in Great Crustaceans. Will he fall for the clickbait confrontational baloney? Or will his pal Razors save the situation?

So much dense sketch comedy crammed into one slender episode; crammed courtesy of crammer in chief: Matthew Cram-pton. Tune in for more rich, thick, creamy nonsense next time.

Full Many a Glorious Morning Have I Seen, Sonnet No. 33 (William Shakespeare) read by John Gielgud on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

Now Sleeps the Crimson Petal (Alfred, Lord Tennyson) ready by Dame Peggy Ashcroft on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

Mussel Point, near Zennor — boats, seals, seagulls and curlews by Philip_Goddard -- https://freesound.org/s/689034/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Engine from ferry #2 by arnaud coutancier -- https://freesound.org/s/435870/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 3.0

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Transcript

unknown 0:00 Speaker 4 0:23

My God, they've landed in Lowestoft. That's just five miles away. Which means Yes, they'll be here any minute. We'll be overrun! Not necessarily. Let's get out now. There's still time. Don't be crazy. Out in the open will be dead meat. We must stay within the perimeter. What? You saw what they did at Retford. We can't defend against that. Maybe not, but I don't want to be hunted down like rats. I'd rather stand and fight. Not me. I'm out of here. Don't desert us. Oh. Well, maybe we're better off without him. Major, more enemy have been sighted. Where? Beccles. Christ, they're down there as well. We'll have to defend both sides. And they've got a new weapon. What kind of weapon? We don't know. Well, find out. And you, is that radio sorted? Not yet. Damn it, we need those comms. What the hell was that? Sir, damage report. Yes, the front bunker's destroyed. Is that the new weapon? No, it was an RVA. Of course. The shield is out. Major, take a look at this. What is it? What's that? That's the new weapon. Have you seen one before? No. You sure it's a weapon? Look, there, sir. Is that what I think it is? Yeah. Well, double the defense on the southeast. Get them headphones. And make sure they wear them. Another one! Comms! Hurry! We may need to call in a strike. On where, sir. Here. You may yes. If we're going down, we'll take those bastards with us. Right, let's take a minute to think. HQ knows we're surrounded. They'll have guessed our comms are down. They may send help, but from where? Probably here. So Southeast under attack. Can they hold? Yes, but what? You need to see this. What am I looking at? There, sir. Where? By the hedge. What on earth is that? We think it's an audio booster. Are headphones deployed? Yes, but what? I'm not sure they'll be strong enough. Well, they'll have to be. We haven't got anything else. Wait a sec. It's gone quiet, sir. Shooting stopped on all sides. Sir. What does this mean? Anyone? Well, sir, that's what happened at Redford before the um Really? Uh yes, sir. Okay, then we'd better brace ourselves. Commence audio shield as much as you can. Start recorders. Everyone ready. Can you hear anything? Negative, sir. Now there's something, it's faint. Raise the volume. Sir? It's safe. We've got enough shield. Oh god. What is it, sir? We can't fight that, sir. No human can withstand that level of of what, sir? Insanity. Get me on speaker. Sir. These are the last words I ever wanted to say. They're probably the last words I ever will say. But that sound, brace yourselves. That sound is The Big

Welcome

Speaker 4 3:32

Muddler. Tons of trivial tosh. I've seen some entrances in my time, as the colorectal surgeon said to the bishop, but none like the big muddler. Where does it come from? And why won't it just go away? Once again, our course is set for a near half hour of weak jokes and random ramblings. But seeing as you're here, why not settle down with something warm and sticky and try to enjoy the

Celebrity Phone-In

Speaker 4 4:29

experience? Are you a fan of Country File or Nature Watch? They're great, aren't they? Well, I thought we could do a spot of our own nature watching on the show today. Have you seen anything interesting recently? If so, give us a call. First on the line is John G, an old friend of the program. What have you been watching, John?

Speaker 1 4:58

Full many a glorious morning have I seen flatter the mountain tops with sovereign eye. Ah, you in the hills? Where are you? Kissing with golden face the meadows green. Is that hygienic? Gilding pale streams with heavenly alchemy.

Speaker 4 5:12

That's very pretty. And where are these streams?

Speaker 1 5:15

Anon permit the basest clouds to ride with ugly wreck on his celestial face. And from the forlorn world his visage hide.

Speaker 4 5:24

Hmm, sounds like Dartmoor.

Speaker 1 5:27

Stealing unseen to west with this disgrace.

Speaker 4 5:30

Yes, definitely Dartmoor. Anywhere in particular.

Speaker 1 5:34

And so my sun, one early morn did shine with all triumphant splendour on my brow.

Speaker 4 5:39

I hope you had your factor fifty on.

Speaker 1 5:41

But out a lack, he was but one hour mine. Is that a no? The region cloud hath masked him from me now.

Speaker 4 5:49

You still need it. UV comes through clouds.

Speaker 1 5:52

Yet him for this my love no whit disdaineth. Sons of the world may stain when heaven's sun staineth.

Speaker 4 6:03

Not quite with you there, John. Did the sunscreen stain your shirt? Ah, I think we've lost him. Well, let's now ask, how are your gardens looking? And here to tell us is Peggy A. How are you, Dame Peggy? And how are your flowers?

Speaker 6:20

Now sleeps the crimson petal. Now the white.

Speaker 4 6:24

And what type of bloom is that?

Speaker 6:26

Nor waves the cypress in the palace walk. Nor winks the gold fin in the porphyry font.

Speaker 4 6:33

Sounds like you've got quite a place there.

Speaker 6:36

The firefly wakens. Waken thou with me.

Speaker 4 6:40

I'm with you all the way, Peggy.

Speaker 6:42

Now droops the milk white peacock like a ghost, and like a ghost she glimmers on to me.

Speaker 4 6:49

Must admit I've never seen a white peacock.

Speaker 6:52

They're usually multiple Now slides the silent meteor on, and leaves a shining furrow as thy thoughts in me.

Speaker 4 7:01

Right.

Speaker 7:02

Now folds the lily all her sweetness up, and slips into the bosom of the lake.

Speaker 4 7:09

Steady on there, Mrs. A.

Speaker 7:10

So fold thyself, my dearest thou, and slip into my bosom.

Speaker 4 7:17

I think we'll stop that there. This may be a nature show, but we're still before the watershed. And talking of water features, later on we'll be looking at bird baths. And how do you stop them becoming pigeon toilets?

The Rest is Jollity

Speaker 4 7:31

Bid farewell to fear. Dance around the kitchen. Have another bit. Outside it may be rabe. But that don't bother me. But now the part's started. The rest is Charity. Wait, sir. Get me your best table. Somewhere dark and romantic, I think. Tonight I have a special guest, and I'm in the mood for proposals. Certainly, sir. If you could come this way. Hmm. This should do nicely. And please, a bottle of your best champagne. Straight away, sir. Would you like me to open the champagne? Oh no, just wait for the lady's arrival. Then let the cork fly. Of course. A suitable metaphor, I think. I need to go off script, but traveler. I was trying to add some interest. Just read what you've been given. If you insist, then I shall. Oh yeah. Would you like me to bring you the menu? No wait. My guest will be here soon. Would you like some hands while you're waiting for the drink? Yes. Why not? She's going to. There must be some good reason for her to lay. I'm sure that's so. Oh dear. You might as well get me another drink. She's not coming, is she? And something to eat. Yes, sir. What about a weld repped now? And may I suggest one of these? What's that? It's a strand cigarette, sir. I've not heard of those. The strand is a cigarette of strength and distinction. That sounds like my kind of cigarette. It's for the man of the movement. That sounds like me. For you know, you're never alone with a strand. Yes, that is me. How true. I feel better already. Isn't that it? Yes. You're never alone with a strand. Yes. It's sad, don't you think? What do you mean? It's the cigarette for losers. Oh ridiculous. If you failed with everything else, at least puff on one of these. But Travers, you're such a cynical fellow, I know. But you do realize strand cigarettes are our new sponsor, and we're recording this live. So they may not be our sponsor much longer. Right. Yes. They've pulled out. That was the producer. Well, all I can say is thank you very much. Why is it my fault? Once again, your stupid mouth has lost our income. But that script was ludicrous. It wasn't a script, it was money in the bank, and now that money is gone. I refuse to speak such rubbish. Oh, come on, we've uttered nonsense from many a stage. What's different now? Really? In Falmouth, you once praised Marjorie's Palace of Pies. I did, where we all got food poisoning. Yes, Falmouth indeed. Or that time in Bogner Regis. Oh, God. It was just a favor to the manager, you said. I know. It will get us booked again, you said. Don't remind me. Hurry down to Harry's fun fair, you said. The kids are guaranteed a good time. But actually, it's Harry having a good time with the kids. No. And we did get booked by the police. I'm so sorry. And now, when all you have to do is sell some perfectly harmless cigarettes, I know. You get all precious and saintly. Well, you've made your point. Shall we get on with the show? I suppose we should. And what do we have prepared for today? Ah, lucky listener, we've got a special subject to discuss, and it's a coke out. Has anything amusing happened to you while having your haircut? Is that it? Well, if you turned up for the planning meeting, you could have heard us discuss other topics like the perils of buying sausages. That sounds much better. Or demon tips for winning at cribbage. Well, that too. But personal grooming won out. And I've got a wonderful story to kick us off. Just the other day, I popped into my barber. He's German, you know. Is he called Haircut? Very funny. No, his name's Helmet. Because that's what he's cutting. Your helmet? Get the hose. This man's on fire today. Anyway, there was I perched in the chair, poised my short back and sides when all of a sudden inrushed two big bobbies. Yes. Were they after a haircut? No, they were after the haircutter. Helmet is an undesirable alien, apparently. Really? But he'd seen them coming and legged it through the back. What deserted you halfway? That's dashed unsporting. I know, and it was a deuced critical time in the procedure. What do you mean? You see, Helmet likes to do one side, then the other. Well, he'd finished on the left and was about to move across when off he went. And in came the peelers, who ran straight after him, leaving me pretty vulnerable in the chair. Well, you are used to being half cut. Boom boom. What did you do? I went to the Portland Place Hair Salon, and Luigi sorted me out. How much did he charge? Well, it would have been six bob. But he took pity on me. Really? Of course. No, I think you did a deal, and you were cheaply bought. That mention on the show is worth a lot more than six bob, is it? Well, just as well I've got a whole year of free cuts. You are incorrigible, Werther Travers. And yet you complain about a simple advertisement for cigarettes. I complain about sounding ridiculous. That doesn't even warrant reply. Anyway, it's time for the listener to contribute. Can you top my story about Helmet and the Great Escape? What's happened to you in the chair?

Listed Jokes

Speaker 4 14:26

They need some love, so tell them every day those listed jokes. A warning, the tone will turn a little blue today, but these jokes are classics, so I understand we can make a cultural exception. First up is a gag from Kenneth Williams, a gag which he often used to warm up radio audiences. An old man goes to the doctor. He says Doctor, I was having a pee and my dick came off in my hand. But I didn't throw it away, I put it in my tobacco pouch, and I brought it round to see if you could sew it back on. The doctor takes the tobacco pouch, looks into it, and says, This isn't a penis. This is two ounces of old Hoburn ready rubbed shag. To which the old man says, Oh god, I've smoked me cock! Ah, that's history in the telling. And next, here's something I picked up at Wilton's music hall. It's not the only thing I picked up at Wilton's, but that's between me and my proctologist. There's this vulture flying over the desert. All the fresh air and thermals, well, he starts feeling a bit horny, at which point he notices a white bird below and thinks, Maybe I'll pay her a visit. So the vulture sweeps down and enjoys some nocturnal exercise, as I believe it's known in the animal kingdom. When he flies off, the small bird sings Hey my little dove, and I've had a little love, and I liked it. Meantime, the vulture, high above the desert, is still feeling horny. This time, down below, he notices a blue tit. Again he swoops down and enjoys some nocturnal exercise, and when he flies off, the small bird sings Hey my little tit, I've had a bit of it, and I liked it. But guess what? The air is still fresh and warm, and that vulture is still horny. And this time below he sees a duck. Yes, a duck. So he swoops down and once again enjoys some nocturnal exercise. But when he's flown off, the small bird sings I'm a little drake. That was clearly a mistake. But I liked it. And let's finish off today with two quickies, again, just like at Wilton's. What's the difference between a lobster with large breasts and a crap transport center? Well, of course, one is a busty crustacean, the other is a crusty bus station. Yes, yes. And finally, a limerick from the great Eric Morecambe. I've just come back from the Bahamas, where I bought a new pair of pajamas. The jacket's all right, but the trousers are tight and they tickle my Huntley and Palmas. Thank you. Good night. They're old, they're creaky. They need some love, so tell them every day those listed jokes! T he

Great Crustaceans

Speaker 4 18:01

wild Let's snap it. But they spelled them happy. Got washed up on the sand. They got nowhere left to hide. Oh they found themselves and their great crustacean. Great crustacean.

Speaker 3 18:28

The great crustacean.

Speaker 4 18:36

I'm standing on what looks like an ordinary beach, but there's something special about this stretch of sand. For here, on this unlikely spot, was spawned one of the world's most unusual musical creations. A rock band composed solely of shellfish. A band which has now released five albums and thrilled audiences from as far as South Cornwall to the Isle of White. That band, of course, is Great Crustaceans. And I'm joined now by one of its founder members, bassist Squid Vicious. Hi, Squid, how are you doing? Very well, thank you. What are you up to? Why it's an ordinary day for me. Surely there's nothing ordinary about a day in the life of crustacean bassist superstar Squid Vicious. Well, I have a simple life. Apart, of course, from the boos and the groupies. Those raunchy trimmings of the rock star lifestyle. No, I prefer jigsaws. And sometimes collecting seaweed. But you must have some great stories. Tell me about your bandmates. Guitarist Razors. Is he the Keith Richards of the band? No, he's more like the Cliff Richards of the band. That is, if Cliff had anger issues and a persecution complex. Ouch, I didn't know Squid could sting. Haha, this is great stuff. And tell me about drummer Spider. He's the dark horse of the group, isn't he? He's not a horse, he's a spider crab. But he is sort of dark, I mean he's from the black country. And he's a crab. How's that possible? Nobody knows. It's a hundred miles from the nearest beach. Spider claims he had a virgin birth like Jesus, but we think that's a bit unlikely. Wow, such revelations. What about new member of the band? Otis Uctapodes? Does he bring some slick Mediterranean charm? Are you being racist? Of course not. Just because he's from Southern Europe doesn't mean he's greasy. I meant does he bring a different musical vibe to the band? Well his keyboard heroes are Rick Wakeman and Liberachi. How about a bit of Jules Holland? Maybe a very small bit of Jules Holland, like his toenails. No, Otis is a brilliant musician, and he's a showman too. You know, there's something I've always wanted to ask. You may be shelfish, but you're not all crustaceans. I mean you as a squid are a cephalopod. Shouldn't you rename the band? Oh, people who ask that are missing the point. The point being. Great crustaceans is not about biology, it's about attitude. It's about being tough in how you face the world. Even a mollusk like me can have a hard skin. Hmm. Where does the name Squid Vicious come from? Well, obviously it's from the Sex Pistols. I'm a squid and I play bass. But famously, Sid Vicious couldn't actually play. I know. I like that, and you can? Of course I can. He was also famous for his lifestyle. You must have made some headlines in your time. I have. Really? Tell me about them. I've got the West Country's largest collection of antique wooden jeeps. Jigsaws. What? When I donated some to the Penzance Jigsaw Museum, there was an article about it in the Falmouth Package. Gosh. And once I was interviewed about becoming a local counsellor. For the Lib Dems. Were you elected? Uh no. Right. Let's talk instead about manager Kenneth Prawn. Any stories about him? Ken works very hard. You know, it's not easy getting gigs for beach-bound invertebrates. He's got some special interests, hasn't he? What do you mean? Well, doesn't he run summer camps for young shrimps? No. Some say those camps are not what they see. What do you mean? I'm sure you've heard the stories. No, I haven't. Have you seen him much in the presence of young shrimps? Well, I help out sometimes on sports day, but I don't know what you're talking about. Ah well. Uh isn't that your bandmate Razors? It is. Do you want to meet him? That would be great. Hey Ray, do you know Piers Morbid? Who's that? It's him. Piers is a journalist. Your favourite species. What do you mean? Hi, Razors. It's an honour to meet you. I'm a big fan. What of? Of you and Great Crustation. So what's your favourite album of ours? I love them all. What's your favourite song? Oh, hard to choose. Could you actually name any of our songs? Tell me, Razors, or should I call you Ray? Razors. Well, Razors. Do you think you get the respect that you deserve? I said you'd like him. He understands you, Ray. You're a journalist, right? Yes. Who do you write for? My work gets syndicated across lots of outlets. What? Like Mail Online? Sometimes. TMZ. Pop bitch. Uh yeah. Ray, you seem to know a lot about this. You're filth. What? You're a parasite feeding on honest, hardworking people. That's not true. Get off my beach. Really? Actually, no, don't, Ray? Can't you see, Squid? He wants confrontation. What do you mean? He gets clicks from outrage. He wants to provoke us. Fellas, I think you've got me all wrong. I just want to give you a voice. Nah. Yes, of course, Piers. Anything you say, Piers. So how long have you been hiding paedophile Kenneth Prawn? We're not listening. Razors, did you give drugs to Bonnie Smack? I can't hear what you're saying. Isn't it true you hate Otis Octopodis and you think he's taking over the band? Oh, Piers, weren't you fired for making stuff up? You really hate him, don't you? Then you were fired again for poor ratings. How come your last album didn't sell? Before being fired once more for some bitchy nonsense. Oh, give up with you losers. I never wanted to do this interview anyway. Why not walk away? You're good at that, aren't you? Bloody washed up musos. Yeah, just flounce off in a huff. Waste of time You are brilliant, Ray. You've got to know how to handle them. They're pond life. What as opposed to marine life? You know what I mean. Oh yes, Ray. I know exactly what you mean. The wild the snappy. But they're seldom happy. They came in on the wrong tide, got washed up on the sand, they got nowhere left to hide. So they formed themselves up and their great crustaceans. Great crustaceans.

Speaker 3 25:48

Their Greek crustaceans.

Closing Words

Speaker 4 26:08

And what have you learnt from this? Well, I'm waiting.

Speaker 5 26:13

Hmm.

Speaker 4 26:14

Let's see now. We started in the middle of a battle near Lowerstoft, near Beckles. A battle for people's ears, and that didn't end prettily. Then we were straight into a phone-in where the callers seemed suspiciously scripted by Shakespeare and Tennyson. But it got worse. We had listed jokes scripted by Kenneth Williams and other filthy funsters. Thank goodness the jollity boys kept it clean, even if they were trying to advertise some perfectly harmless cigarettes. Then we had a lesson in morality on the beach. Razors showed us how to see off the gutter press. I hope Piers Morbid learnt his lesson, though I fear he did not. And that's it for another week. The guilty party, once again, is Matthew Crampton. If you see him, be sure to tell him. Otherwise, we'll see you again soon for another edition of The Big Muddler!