3.4 Tolstoy Bingo & guest David Eagle

Huh? How come David Eagle - comedian, folk singer, podcaster, and a man barely past forty years old - is popping up as a guest on post-war podcast The Rest is Jollity? It certainly sounds like him. There's not just innuendo but overt smuttery too, references to ancient variety trio The Young'un Krazee Gang and memories of 'West Harterleepool' as host Worth Matravers insists on calling Eagle's home patch. Together they ham out an old biblical classic - 'The Five Constipated Men in the Bible'. It's so convincing you'll beg for your money back. But that's not possible, for The Big Muddler is FREE. Just dive in. Oh. You did. 

What about Tolstoy Bingo? While enjoying the show's opening drama, try and spot the cliches of grandiose Russian lit. There's a priest, count, wild strawberries, timber merchant... Crikey Katya!

But be careful. There's a trigger warning for Great Crustaceans: at one point during this instalment of the soap, drummer Spider sings a song by Cliff Richard. It's Early Cliff (which, as we all know, is the Best Cliff) but still, it's, well, him - the man who sells all the Christmas calendars. So consider yourself warned. Remarkably, the song forms part of an autobiographical rock opera that Spider is working on. Now you're doubly warned.

Plus plenty of other random treats. Muddler Live features that ol' classic toon Psychokiller, plus the pearly anthem Maybe It's Because I'm a Londoner, both belted out by a troupe of Spitalfields Songsters, with Dorian Ford on piano. (And listen out for the great Jan North in the background).

At least you'll know where you are with the Listed Jokes. This week they gather some classic Samantha Excuses from BBC R4's I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

And that's it. That's all. As usual, the show is orchestrated by one desperate individual. Matthew Crampton. He’s the guilty party. But now he’s out on remand, so watch out - you’ll soon be hearing another episode of The Big Muddler.  

Oh and do get in touch. Just so we know that you're there. 

190818_0582_FR_Cicada_and_crickets_in_quiet_mountains by kevp888 -- https://freesound.org/s/851480/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Distant Steam Train Whistle No Background Noise by WeenyBeany -- https://freesound.org/s/800935/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Flies (flying insect) by Suncord_Audiolab -- https://freesound.org/s/476247/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

R12-62-Bridle and Leather Foley.wav by craigsmith -- https://freesound.org/s/481830/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Transcript

Tolstoy Bingo

SPEAKER_03 0:07

Oh, will this heat ever end? Do insects ever stop biting? And will that train ever arrive? And will you ever stop asking foolish questions? Oh, Dimitri, it's too hot to think. Why don't you go down to the orchard? It's cooler there. You can pick some wild strawberries, which we can serve to your friend from St. Petersburg. He's not my friend. Then who is he? And why is he coming? He's a lawyer. There are some questions related to the Count's estate. He wants to ask them in person. I thought the will was settled, and you were simply waiting on your endowment. If only nothing is settled, and I have a debt. Debt! I mean you saw that man who came this morning. He was shouting before breakfast. A timber merchant from Ludensk. And he's usually one of my karma creditors. Does Katya know of your debt? Of course not. She'd never marry me if she knew. But the wedding's only three weeks away. She needn't find out if I can just hold off these leeches till I get the money from the city. But how will you pay for the wedding? Well, I'm the hotel can wait. I mean no one would dare offend Katya's father. Are you sure? That merchant this morning didn't seem too scared. If he does that again, I'll shoot him. Impertinence of that man. That jumped up little trader. I say, Dimitri, could you lend me something? A trifle. Just to tide me over, say four hundred rubles. Four hundred rubble or less. It's just for a few weeks. Vasily, I cannot lend you any more money. Why not? You know it's safe. I don't have any on me. You could get it. Or borrow some off the actress. I'm not borrowing money to lend to you. But I need it, and it's hot. And those strawberries are the finest you'll ever eat. Oh come on, Dmitry. You are my truest friend. Think of our glorious times together in the regiment. Will you let the noble Vasily Ivgorvich descend into ignominy? Chased by common salesmen? Let's see what the lawyer says. Right, I better send the carriage to the station. Do you have to be so rude to the lawyer? All his stupid questions. I mean, how do I know when the count promised me that money? I don't keep record of every conversation I have. Well, that's quite an important conversation. I'm not a secretary, I'm a man of action. Your fate may depend on this man's good will. No, he just does the paperwork. Hmm. That suit didn't come cheap. I sense he's more powerful than you think. We can't be that powerful. This is his second toilet visit, this hour. Oh goodness, that's Katia's coach. She mustn't see the lawyer. What can we do? Quick, you go down. Tell her I'm in I'm in some boring meeting. Take her to the orchard. Yes, I'll have ice lemonade sent down. All right, I'll try. But what about him? Who? Over there. Your timber merchant is bad. What? And he's not alone. Those musicians. I don't believe it. He wants to embarrass me. He must know the lawyer's here. And Katia too. They're all against me. Right. Stay calm. You look after Katia. I'll put the lawyer in the study, and then I'll sort out that merchant. And his musician. Oh, whatever they are. Hurry, go meet her by the gate. Where's Katia? She needed to rest. She's upstairs. Will she be long? She looked very tired. Good. Right. Well, I finished with the lawyer. He's ready to go. The carriage is coming round the side. Oh, and I saw off that damned merchant. Haha! He ran off sharpish when I showed him my gun. Once again, I snatch victory just when they try to destroy me. What about the band? The what? The musician. What did they leave with the merchant? Oh, I've no idea. Who cares? Oh, Dimitri, I didn't tell you. The priest came round last night. We sat out talking till very late. It was wonderful. You would not believe the ideas that man inspires in me. I've started writing another treatise The Russian's Soul, and how it must be freed from the shackles of bourgeois thinking. Yes, that's the true emancipation we need. Forget the serfs. We must liberate our minds. Well, your mind certainly seems free to wander. Shouldn't you be seeing off the lawyer? Oh, dammit, yes, of course. Come on, hurry, hurry. Thank you for coming. No, no, don't worry. The train is often late. Come on, Igor, harness those horses. Oh yes, you'll catch it by. What's that? Who are those people? I don't know. What people? Oh god. Them. What the hell are they doing? I say, move out of the way. We didn't ask for any musicians. What are you doing here? I'm sure it's a mistake. Don't worry. You'll soon be on your way. No, no, no, don't start drumming. We don't need your music. Hurry up, Eagle. Move the carriage. Darling, what's happening? Oh, catcha, darling. I it's just a misunderstanding. No need to calm down. What do you mean the harness is broken? No, no, no, you shouldn't listen to that man. Uh he shouldn't be here. Shut up! Stop playing! Be off, you insolent wretch! No, no, no, no, there are no death. He's he's he's lying to us. Oh, Katka, don't worry. Go back to the city. Stop playing. I can't think. No, no, don't talk to me. He's lying. Do something about that. Shut up, all of you. I'm ruined. Oh god, why now? I can't bet this anymore. What? You mean this is a torture thought up by creditors? Is this what they call the big muddler? Give me my money. Give me my money.

Opening Words

SPEAKER_03 6:15

Give me my money. Heaps of half-baked hogwash. So, were you playing Tolstoy Bingo? Wild strawberries. Check. Train station. Check. Priest. An overwrought appeal to Russian soul? Check. Count. Surf. Rubles. Timber merchant. Check. Annoying self-obsessed aristocrat? Check. Dodgy pronunciation of Russian names? Ouch. Still, you don't come to the big muddler for accuracy. You come for variety. Who knows what's waiting round that corner? Just bend and brace

Muddler Live - Psychokiller

SPEAKER_03 7:05

yourself.

SPEAKER_04 7:16

I'm down to go. Let's see what's next. I can't see the face of the

Guest David Eagle on The Rest is Jollity

SPEAKER_04 8:47

Let's listen to some vintage podcast.

SPEAKER_03 8:50

In this episode, Melbourne's away helping the constabulary, so presenter Werthma Travers is on his own, but he's got a guest to keep him company. Say goodbye to sadness, bid farewell to fear, dance around the kitchen, have another beer. Outside it may be raining, but that don't bother me. For now the part is started, the rest is jollity. Ladies and gentlemen, um it's a fellow I met while touring the provinces. Yes, we once shared the bill at the Empire Palace in West Hartley Pool. Back then he was part of a novelty trio. The Young Crazies, sometimes known as the Young. He's a madcap comedian and an extraordinary musician. Yes, it's the Cheeky Jabby himself, Mr. David Eagle.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

One, two, one, two, two, two. There he had a little lamb. His fleece was white as snow. Ah, it's lovely to be on the radio. Hartley Bull, can you hear me? Uh, whatever happened to the other two? What happened to Mr. Hughes? Mr. Hughes became cardinal of the church. Used to call me a drag artist, Cardinal Hughes, but then he turned his back on such ways. I'm so glad he found a true path for himself.

SPEAKER_03 10:28

And what happened to that other fine fellow, Mr. Mr. What is absolutely no idea? So, you you've been touring the provinces for quite some time. So many interesting things have been.

SPEAKER_02 10:45

Were you the fellow who walks in front of the train once a little flag in your hand? Whatever I had was doing my little flag is neither here nor there. Yes, what are you working on at the moment? I didn't know you could see it from where you were. No, no, none of this rude stuff. We leave that to the garden, who was very much risen through the rain.

SPEAKER_03 11:02

From the crypt of the church in St. Giles, get a scream that echoed for miles, said the vicar, Good gracious, has Father Ignatius forgotten the bishop's got tiles. He also has the inclination, and right now, as I say, he is helping the police with their inquiries. Now, I've had a memo here from the BBC saying, um, there is a requirement for every program, including our own free form banter, must have an element of religious content. I think it would be uh incumbent upon me to invite our guest today, Mr. David Eagle, to perhaps furnish some spiritual nourishment to our listener. What would you say to that, Mr. Eagle?

SPEAKER_02 11:44

I'd say as long as the check is clear, then I will be very happy to do so. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 11:49

Listener, this is a little dishes that we put together, I believe, in the dressing room of the Empire Palace at West Hart Pool. Maybe a little rusty. A little rusty.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

Oh my goodness. It's a toss-up between him and the bill. Well, I think it was actually.

SPEAKER_03 12:05

And if I'm right in introducing the song, we say it's about five characters in the Bible who all have a load on their mind.

SPEAKER_02 12:15

And as a special treat, squeeze meal box.

SPEAKER_03 14:51

Yes, it was E. He passed an apple.

SPEAKER_02 14:55

And the Lord said let them be shot. Oh, but there were others as well. What about the pharaoh?

SPEAKER_03 15:00

The Pharaoh.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

He just got let him go.

SPEAKER_03 15:04

Finally, of course. The constipated Joshua. Oh, yes. He blew the walls down. Listen, I'm afraid I think we're gonna have to stop the show here. Another message has just come down from the head office. They're not too happy at the way this particular recording is going. Unfortunately, it's time to say au revoir, or perhaps more likely goodbye to Mr. David Eagle. Goodbye, David Eagle. Goodbye. And it's goodbye for me, worth my trollers.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

Goodbye.

SPEAKER_03 15:33

Say goodbye to sadness. Bid farewell to fear. Dance around the kitchen, have another peer. Outside it may be raining, but that don't bother me. For now the party started, the rest is jollity.

Listed Jokes

SPEAKER_03 16:03

Now if you thought that was a load of innuendo, which, as we all know, is the Italian word for suppository, I thank you. Then wait till you hear this They're old, they're creaky. They need some love, so tell them every day those listed jokes. Today's listed jokes all come from that classic radio show, I'm sorry, I haven't a clue. And they concern the lovely production assistant, Samantha. She's never there, and here are some of the reasons for her absence. I'm afraid Samantha's been detained at the last minute in the city's Latin quarter. An Italian gentleman has promised to take her out for an ice cream, and she likes nothing better than to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan. Samantha has headed off to the Highland Games to admire the contestants in the caber competition. Perhaps she'll have a go at tossing one or two herself. Samantha had to nip off to see her gentleman beautician friend who has a leg hair treatment for her. He lays ribbons of sticky wax paper on her thighs and lets them dry. Then, Samantha says, she likes to watch as he rips the paper strips and wax off for her. Tonight, Samantha is working as a croupier in an exclusive Soho Club where gamblers pay top money to play roulette all day and poker all night. And finally, Samantha told me she had to nip out to help an old man next door who has trouble using his stair lift. She goes in every night to put him on downstairs and then pulls him off on the landing. They need some love, so tell them every day those listed jokes.

Great Crustaceans - with trigger warning...

SPEAKER_03 18:16

I wonder what's happening on the beach. Let's check in on our resident soap opera. Got washed up on the sand, they got nowhere left to hide. So they found themselves a band.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Their great crustacean. Great crustacean. Their great crustaceans.

SPEAKER_03 19:12

I've called this meeting to discuss an important topic. The set list. Now I know there's strong feelings. You say that again, but let's try to discuss things calmly. I'm perfectly calm. It's the rubbish these other idiots say gets me angry. Ray, take a breath and listen to what Ken's got to say. Oh, you're teaching me how to breathe. Next you want to go down the toilet, maybe, and show me what I'm doing wrong there. Now, boys, our gigs are popular. We're doing well. But how can we do even better? Maybe there's some other material we could include. I know where you're going with this. Ray, can you read everyone's minds? I mean, what am I thinking now? Why did I join this bunch of losers when I could be back in Crete? No, I'm thinking this talented band could play anything. Let's really have a boat out. Exactly, Otis. You mean push the boat out? Oh never mind. Ken, you're gonna suggest we play covers, aren't you? Great idea. It's a terrible idea. We're artists. We should play our vision, not someone else's. We're also entertainers, Ray. Speak for yourself. There are so many great songs out there. Let's use our vision to adapt a classic. How about some Steely Dad? Boring. Or radio heads. A bit ambitious. I like Elton John. Impossible to say. Or Rolling Stones. So many English great bands. What about Americans? We could do some Elvis. What was his vision, Ray? Oh, if you want an entertainer, he's your man. We could all dress up with pompadours and fat bodysuits. We'd be like a proper tribute band. I've got an idea. Oh god. Spider, tell us your idea. It's a very popular English singer. We got so many requests for him at that show last week. You mean when we played the care home? Yes, they love him there. Oh no. Is this who I think it is? It's Cliff Richard? Kill me now. No, people love him. Every year he sells millions of calendars. Spider, it's Cliff Richard. He's not what you think. He's worse. No, we should play Early Cliff. Early Cliff? Yes, when he sounded like Elvis. You must be joking. No, seriously, there's a great song called Travelling Light. What? Here, have a listen. Are we doing this? Let's hear him out. Huh? Got no bags or baggage to slow me down. I'm travelling so fast my feet ain't touching the ground. Travelling light traveling light. I just can't wait to be with my baby tonight. No coma. Toothbrush, I've got nothing to haul. I'm carrying only a pocket full of dreams, a heart full of love, and they weigh nothing at all. Soon I'm gonna see that love look in her eyes. I'm a hoot and a holler away from paradise. Traveling light traveling light. I just can't wait to be with my baby tonight. I just can't wait to be with my baby tonight. Oh my god. So tell me Spider, how you know that song? I mean you play it like you practice it. It's a song I've been working on. Why is that? That's not something I can talk about. Great, let's move on. No, I want to know. Why why, Spider, are you learning that song? No, he doesn't want at all. I wanna know. Come on, Spider. Well I've been working on a rock opera. A what? The story of my life, as told through classic songs. And what has travellate got to do with it? Well that's central to my story. Are you sure? I'd have thought the main issue is how does a spider crab get born near Birmingham, a hundred miles from the coast. That's not important. Or how does a crab become a rock musician? That's all our story. Yes, yes, that's no, for me the story is different. Like I'm a rock drummer and I come from Dudley. So the obvious path for me, of course, is to play heavy metal. What? The Black Country is the home of hard rock. All those sheet metal factories, all that noise. Sabbath's from there, so's Led Zeppelin. Uh Judas Priest, Napalm Death, so what? So for me as a local rock drummer to turn my back on heavy metal, well that's the story. And that's why I sing travelling light, not heavy, see? I turn my back on heavy. That song is the story of my life. Well, cut off my shell and call me Barney the Barnacle. I thought there could be nothing worse than playing covers. But Spiders just suggested something even more humiliating. I'm not suggesting it for the band. Phew. No, wait a moment, there may be an idea here. You're kidding. Not the heavy metal, but the bit about shellfish becoming rock musicians. That's all our story. It's not the one I want to tell. But maybe it's the one that Great Crustaceans wants to tell. And if we could do it through covers of classic songs, then we can both entertain and follow our vision. Jesus, I've heard it all. This could be a great new direction for the band. We've just got to find the right songs. No, we've got to find our senses. This is why I wanted to join the band. Why I want to leave. But you won't, Ray, will you? Yes, I will. Just watch me. Bye. He'll be back. Now, let's get to work on this new material. Any ideas for songs? There's that Lady Garga song, Born This Way. But we weren't born this way. Changes. Black Sabbath. That one's for you, Spider. Oh, thank you. Of course, there's one obvious song. What's that? Really famous. All about choosing your own path. Tell us. It's by Frank Sinatra. You don't mean Yes, I did it my way. Was he a crab? Who? Sinatra. He certainly looked like a mollusk. Yeah, that's true. The wild. Let's snap it. But they're seldom happy. They came in on the wrong tie, got washed up on the stand. They got nowhere left to hide.

SPEAKER_01 25:45

So they found themselves with and their great crustaceans. Great crustaceans. Their great crustaceans.

Closing Words

SPEAKER_03 26:54

But everything seems just a bit, well, random. How do these pieces fit together? I mean, Tolstoy Bingo, what's that about? Then Psycho Giller, huh? And how come David Eagle, the David Eagle, the bright young comic singer and podcaster, how come he's popping up on a vintage radio show? It doesn't make any sense. At least you know where you are with listed jokes from Radio 4. They're classics. But then, what's that? A shelfish rock band? Spiders rock opera? Hmm, we may be hearing more about that. At least we ended with some Banana Bounty, the old pearly anthem from London, with the wonderful Dorian Ford on piano and a chorus of Spittlefield songsters. All of this, of course, is orchestrated by one desperate individual. Yes, Matthew Crampton. He's the guilty party, but he's out on remand, so watch out. You'll soon be hearing another episode of The Big Muddler.