The Big Muddler
Stand by your beds! The Big Muddler is here, delivering a delicious dose of old-style radio comedy. Sketches ... silly songs ... improbable stories, corralled by the unusual mind of Matthew Crampton. It's a variety of nonsense - and we all need variety.
The Big Muddler
3.5 True Garbage - Stages of Mind Control
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Woah! I thought The Big Muddler was a comedy show, but this episode's been hijacked by a documentary podcast called True Garbage. Everything gets a bit serious as presenter Jeff Flatley welcomes you Garbageers to another sensational expose. This time it's a revelation that will shake your boots (not your booty, no, your booty must remain unshaken). Jeff reveals how a conspiracy for world domination has been hiding for years, in plain sight, within a fun, innocent practice. Many are infected - maybe you too! Worst of all, it's got a hold of children in schools.
But this IS The Big Muddler, so expect an odd start to the show. Today we're in Transylvania, out for an evening jaunt to a circus in the mountains. But why has the guide disappeared, and who are those replacement musicians seizing the instruments?
This week's Listed Jokes features the beloved Scottish funny man Chic Murray (1919 - 1985). Go check him out.
Today's sponsor is Ruislip Robots. They're still flogging their Forever Friends, your personal romantic droid, available for hire on Exploratory Weekends. (Note terms & conditions: products must be returned clean).
Today's custodian of the chortle is, once again, Matthew Crampton. Do get in touch via thebigmuddler@matthewcrampton.com or you can leave a voicemail here. Soon - thank goodness - we'll reach the end of Series Three. And what an ending that will be. Finale Episode 3.6 features the winner of the competition to name the movie which inspired the opening to episode 3.3 (who may regret taking part, but it's now too late...)
So, lots to look forward to. Meantime, keep muddling.
Hotel -Key card and open door by MariaDelCastillo -- https://freesound.org/s/444939/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0
Antique Clock Ticking then Strikes Once by iainmccurdy -- https://freesound.org/s/646411/ -- License: Attribution 4.0
Chinatown Hotel Elevator.wav by sheriff -- https://freesound.org/s/456070/ -- License: Attribution 4.0
Canadian Horse Carriage.wav by vero.marengere -- https://freesound.org/s/450325/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0
more chatter in tent.wav by Kyster -- https://freesound.org/s/122956/ -- License: Attribution 4.0
01251 circus jump snareroll 1.wav by Robinhood76 -- https://freesound.org/s/79175/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0
Gipsy Romanian band playing at Cluj-Napoca by AntonioZozobra -- https://freesound.org/s/468978/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0
Crowd cheer by day-garwood -- https://freesound.org/s/613044/ -- License: Attribution 3.0
Muzak 1 by TeffyD1 -- https://freesound.org/s/752529/ -- License: Attribution 4.0
three hits.wav by zagi2 -- https://freesound.org/s/239114/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0
https://pixabay.com/music/suspense-cinematic-true-crime-underscore-noir-tension-508518/
https://pixabay.com/music/solo-piano-tense-crime-documentary-piano-175502/
A night out in Transylvania
SPEAKER_01I'm getting ready to go out for the evening. My lodgings are in the small North Romanian city of Bayamare, close to the borders with Hungary and Ukraine. There was an unpleasant incident this morning at the station. I was rescued by a stranger who intervened. He then insisted on taking me out tonight to his village. We shall see the circus, he said, and you will forget what happened. We have good as well as bad here in Transylvania. Ah, Transylvania. The name chills the soul, but this evening I hope should be warm and interesting. We're traveling by horse and cart up into the hills. Hills which are fast becoming mountains. There's not much traffic and no street lights. My companion knows the way well but doesn't say much. It's poor, dirty, and starting to fill with crowds. People are gathering here from across the mountains, mostly families, but there are quite a lot of young men, some in uniform. There are lots of guns about. I don't know how, as there's little flat land, and we've been led through to some seats within the tent. My companion is trying to put me at ease. He's just bought some beer and peanuts, but he seems tense. I can hear both Hungarian and Romanian being spoken. While the circus folk seem to be Roman. Maybe there's always tension at these gatherings. Well, it's my first evening of Transylvanian hospitality. Let's see what this brings. Ah. Wow. I haven't been to the circus in years. This is amazing. No safety nets, and blood's already been spilt, but no one seems worried. If it wasn't for the neon lights and the cold beer, I'd feel like I'd stepped back centuries. An odd thing has happened. An alternative band seems to have arrived. Some musicians push their way through the crowd, then grabbed the instruments from the band playing before. Some people left sharpish. The mood in the tent has changed. It feels like something's about to happen. I look at my companion, but oh dear, he's gone. Hmm. Maybe I should leave. But how? I don't know where I am, and it's dark. I'll never make it back to the city. I'll give it a few minutes. I think the new band are about to start playing. The room's gone quiet. Half the audience has now left, including most of the families. Those remaining look well expectant. Ah, I know that. Oh dear. Not here as well. But wait, the audience love it. They're on their feet, they're cheering. Ladies and gentlemen, live from Transylvania, it's the Big Muddler.
Opening words
SPEAKER_01Lashings of lackluster lunacy. Well, I did make it back from Transylvania thanks to the transformative powers of the Big Muddler. And that means I can bring you today's show. Though you may not thank me for that. For today we explore the popular world of true crime podcasting. Yes, ready yourself for some remarkable revelations with our earnest new strand, True Garbage.
True Garbage part one
SPEAKER_01Hi there, garbageers! I'm Jeff Flatley from True Garbage, and we're back with another shocking story. This week, we've unearthed something scary that's been hiding in plain sight. Yes, a form of mind control lurking in a popular culture loved by many. You've probably been exposed to this menace yourself. Most people have. Worst of all, children are at risk, for this toxic threat is embedded in many schools. And as our report will show, behind this evil lies a ruthless gang of power-crazed despots determined to control your life. So, fix yourself a coffee, sit down, and get ready to be amazed. You're about to discover how something so sweet, so fun, so light, can poison your mind. We've titled this story The Stages of Mind Control. How could something so good be so bad? I didn't believe the danger at first, but it's true what they say. The devil's got the best tune. When Janet told me it was an after-school club run by Mrs. Bennett, well, that seemed perfectly safe, but I should have been suspicious.
SPEAKER_02You see, it was free. I laughed, I cried, I mean surely those are real feelings, but no, someone was manipulating me.
SPEAKER_01If I could lay hands on the bastards who infected my child. I soon found myself going every weekend. I'd buy the CDs and I'd listen to them in the car all the time. Little did I know what damage they were doing me. Let's go back to the beginning. One day last year, our producer Alice missed a call. Minutes later, she checked the message. This is what she heard.
SPEAKER_02Is that Alice Munro? I won't give you my name. I and I'm calling from a phone box. I've got a story for you. But I need to know I can trust you.
SPEAKER_01Little did we realize that this caller, whom I'll name Angela, was bringing us perhaps the most remarkable story of our careers. Now, some accuse us here at true garbage of being conspiracy theorists. Ha, of course not. We're serious true crime podcasters. But you must admit, there seem to be more conspiracy theories today than ever before. As if, well, you know, there was some plan behind them. Anyway, we deal only with the truth. And the truth Alice and I were about to discover is that there is indeed a clandestine network of people who seek to control the world. And thanks to our whistleblower Angela, we'd learnt their name. I'll let her explain. And of course, we've disguised her voice. Angela, you said this group has a name. What is it?
SPEAKER_02No, I didn't.
SPEAKER_01I think you did.
SPEAKER_02I I I don't know what they're called.
SPEAKER_01Angela, you're safe to speak on this line.
SPEAKER_02But they listen everywhere.
SPEAKER_01Not here. This is encrypted. Go on.
SPEAKER_02Are you sure?
SPEAKER_01Yes, please. It will ready help us.
SPEAKER_02They're called the Weberati.
SPEAKER_01Could you say that again?
SPEAKER_02Do I have to?
SPEAKER_01Yes, please.
SPEAKER_02It's it's the Webberati.
SPEAKER_01Is that the Webberati?
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01Can you say any more about them?
SPEAKER_02No, I've got to go. I've said too much.
SPEAKER_01This was a huge step forwards. We had a name, the Webberati. But which part of the web did they influence? Were they tech barons or social media bosses? Were they hackers or some other crypto-dark force within the internet? Well, as we were about to discover, it was none of these.
SPEAKER_02If you knew what they were staging, you'd never leave the house. Oh, don't make a song and dance about it, someone said. But that's exactly what these people do.
SPEAKER_01Next time on True Garbage, find out the real identity of the Weberati.
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True Garbage part two
SPEAKER_02It's it's the Weberati.
SPEAKER_01Is that the Webberati?
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01Can you say any more about them?
SPEAKER_02No, I've got to go. I've said too much.
SPEAKER_01Angela was scared, but she got us thinking. She was a whistleblower who told us of a secret group of mind controllers called the Webberati. This name suggests they are tech barons or some other web criminal, but no, that's wrong. Very wrong. I'm Jeff Flatley, and this is True Garbage. This group goes back decades way before the internet, and as we learnt more about this cabal of mystery puppet masters, we found they're not techie at all. No, they deal only in the analogue world. Here's how they work. The Weberati arrange meetings, mainly in cities, gatherings to which people come willingly. Indeed, these volunteers pay for the privilege and they pay a lot. The meetings are taken up with stories and songs. Those attending join in as audience members. Sometimes they return repeatedly to see the same stories and songs, through which they are manipulated to evil ends. Little did I know what damage they were doing me. We asked Angela what kind of people attend these gatherings?
SPEAKER_02Oh, I don't know. I I I guess I guess they're kind of emotional types.
SPEAKER_01What do you mean by that?
SPEAKER_02Oh, you know, giggly, tearful. I mean, what's that word? Oh empathetic. Men?
SPEAKER_01Women?
SPEAKER_02Both. I'll I'll tell you what. They're the kind of people who like to shake their hands with the fingers outstretched.
SPEAKER_01Alice and I sat there waggling our fingers. It meant nothing. But the next day Angela called us again, and this conversation brought a new revelation. You say they're called the Weberati. Yeah, well, that's half their name. Half their name. Then what's their full name?
SPEAKER_02Are you sure this is safe?
SPEAKER_01Don't worry, the line is clean. What's their full name?
SPEAKER_02Are you recording this?
SPEAKER_01No, of course not. What's their full name?
SPEAKER_02It's the Lloyd Weberati.
SPEAKER_01Did you say the Lloyd Webberati?
SPEAKER_02Yes. But you've got to stop asking questions. And and please, be careful.
SPEAKER_01Angela rang off. But now we knew the group's name. It was only a matter of time till we pieced together the true nature of this threat. For as we were about to find out, this evil thought bent on tying humanity to the yoke of its cruel fantasy is nothing other than. Yes, the clandestine cabal secretly steering the thoughts of millions of innocent citizens is. Prepare to be surprised and shocked. It is musical theatre. Yeah, you heard that right. Musical theatre. Song and dance. Jazz hands, that's what Angela meant by wiggling fingers. Wow. We were blown away by this discovery. But hold on a moment, we thought. This is crazy. Musical theatre is well. As art forms go, it's pretty sweet. Unthreatening stuff. Yet as we looked more deeply, it made sense. The leader of this group is the man known to many as Mr. Turbotface, Andrew Lloyd Weber himself. But he's just the latest in a series of sinister composers bent on imposing their twisted psyches upon the world. Perhaps the most frightening of these, known as the group's cardinal of cruelty, was Stephen Sondheim. Yeah, the man from Sweeney Todd and West Side Story. But once we looked, the proof was obvious. Some of Sondheim's songs chronicle techniques of torture, often with mundane physical detail. Someone to hold you too tight, someone to hurt you too deep. Someone to sit in your chair to ruin your sleep. Classic devices of compulsion and pain. And of course, Sondheim wrote the most terrifying words you might ever hear uttered by a torturer. Send in the clowns, there's got to be clowns. Followed as a spine-tingling finale with the warning, Don't worry, they're here. Now, musical theatre is not to everyone's taste. If you're the sort of person who wretches when others break into song, then you should have some immunity. But you should still limit your exposure to media like BBC Radio 2. And to be extra careful, don't walk down London's Shaftesbury Avenue after 6 o'clock in the evening. The highest levels of public toxicity are to be found in Edinburgh during festival time. Scientists have calculated that just 10 minutes of exposure to the Royal Mile during the August fringe can cause irreversible damage. But what are those who actually attend the shows? For them, of course, the danger is far greater. In our next episode, we examine that threat and we uncover the powerful director who solely targeted children.
Listed Jokes - Chic Murray
SPEAKER_01They need some love, so tell them every day those listed jokes. In today's Listed Jokes, we pay tribute to Chick Murray, one of Scotland's finest comedians. Here's some of his work. The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil. You know, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. I knocked, and the woman opened the door in her night dress. I thought to myself, that's a strange place to have a door. I saw this fella and I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half-wave because I only half knew him. The chap started talking to me about this and that, about which I know very little. You know, if something's neither here nor there, then where the hell is it? I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat, and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling. I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns. I was in London the other day, and this man came up and asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said, I didn't know it had been away. What use is happiness? It can't buy you money. You know, I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese. We had stained glass windows in our house. It's those damn pigeons. I'll leave you with some advice. Don't bother with stamp collecting. Philatoly will get you nowhere. They're old, they're creaky. They need some love, so tell them every day those listed jokes.
True Garbage part three
SPEAKER_01Welcome to part three of Stages of Mind Control from True Garbage. I'm Jeff Flatley.
SPEAKER_02If you knew what they were staging, you'd never leave the house.
SPEAKER_01Like any sect, the Lloyd Weber Arti know just how to recruit followers. They use powerful enticements like this chant from Le Miz. Will you join in our crusade who will be strong and stand with me? I'm in the car, I'm belting out that song.
SPEAKER_02At last I feel so well I feel so powerful.
SPEAKER_01Oh dear. Once victims are converted, they are policed by songs of control. Songs like Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, you're rocking the boat. Some of the cults chants cunningly extol the benefits of Big Brother. At first we couldn't take this revelation seriously. I mean maybe you're laughing right now, but such mirth is merely the echo of innocence shattered. Who knew that alongside Stalin, Franco and Mao, we'd find names like Cander and Ebb and Rogers and Hammerstein. Let's return to the sect's current leader. Examine closely the lyrics of Lloyd Weber, and you'll find coercive psychology as powerful as in the Scientology of L. Ron Hubbard. There's victimhood. There's moral relativism. Any dream will do any dream. Any dream will do. He even uses religion to razzle dazzle. So you are the Christ, you're the great Jesus Christ. Prove to me that you're divine. Change my water into wine. We asked Angela what she thought was the most troubling show of all.
SPEAKER_02It's that one with the roller skates.
SPEAKER_01Do you mean Starlight Express?
SPEAKER_02Oh, don't say its name.
SPEAKER_01How can a show with songs like Freight Is Great be any threat to humanity?
SPEAKER_02But that's it, we don't know how, but it is. That's why it's the most dangerous.
SPEAKER_01Angela's instinct is supported by scientists. They argue Starlight Express pioneered new techniques of quantum coercion. For example, when Rusty sings, Starlight Express, you must confess. Are you real? Yes or no? Starlight Express, answer me yes. I don't want you to go. I don't want you to go. There's a name for that. Stockholm Syndrome. Falling in love with your captain. On the morning we discovered this, producer Alice and I looked at each other. Surely we felt this is the lowest point, the depth of the depravity. But no, worse was yet to come. For we were to identify the director behind the children's wing of this cabal. Not a composer, but a man who more than any other infected the minds of the innocent, and naturally, he too was hiding in plain sight. Can you guess who it was? Yes, of course. Walt Disney. Subtle coercion is a powerful theme in Disney films. Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. And once you look, there are many songs of threat. Feed the birds tuppence a bag. Hmm. Some listeners may choose to skip the next section, but we felt it vital to include Disney's chilling anthems of grooming and abuse. Songs like You've Got a Friend in Me. And worst of all, Can you feel the love tonight? And finally, the conscious practice of pain. Yes, here's where Walt exceeded himself. When it comes to torture, you've heard of waterboarding or electro shock. But can you imagine the full horror of bed knobs and broomsticks? This is where our story ends. But the cure is just beginning. How can you protect yourself against this menace? Well, I'd say just don't go to musicals. But you will. You can't help yourself. So let's just say you've been warned. So this is Jeff Flatley from True Garbage. So long, goodbye. Alvidas N goodnight. I hate to go and leave this pretty site. Oh god, I'm doing it now. That's the song from the sound of music. Oh
Farewell
SPEAKER_01what brings you to the Big Muddler? Is it the strange little dramas that start the show? The willful pilfering of public humor in the listed jokes, or the dreadful ads? Are you eager to learn what those lovable shellfish rockers are up to? Or do you like bathing in vintage podcasts with worthy and mellas? Then, of course, there are those other things that keep popping up, like celebrity poetry phone-ins or today's true garbage. Why not let us know what tickles your fancy? Our contact details are in the show notes and we'd love to hear from you. Unless, of course, you're one of our legacy listeners who first signed up for the show's previous incarnation. Glide above the bath, what's new in shower curtain rings? And you still haven't bothered to unfollow. Please, no more of your tips about hard plastics and ideal ring dimensions. We do like variety, but not that much. So that's it for today. Once again, your custodian of the Chortles was Matthew Crampton, and he and we and me will be back soon with the final episode of series three. Till then, keep muddling.
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