3.6 A Surprise in the Tropics

We're back in the forest - this time somewhere tropical and eastern - to eavesdrop on the local bigwig's grand departure. But things do not go as planned. Ah well. This season finale gathers many of the show's usual suspects. On The Rest is Jollity, Worthy and Mellers are filling airtime with a monologue song called They Tell Me There's a Lot of It About. Then we're back to the afternoon radio phone-in, plagued by classic actors spouting classic poetry. Is that really Richard Burton from Port Talbot and John Gielgud from East Cheam? It is! Now seems only fair to return to resident soap Great Crustaceans whose guest, this week, is Laura Tanner from shanty group The Silver Darlings. Loyal listener Laura won the competition from Episode 3.3 to guess which classic British gangster film inspired that episode opener. The answer of course is The Long Good Friday, and her prize was a mention on the show. And what a mention it is... There are plans for a collaboration between rock band Great Crustaceans and shanty group The Silver Darlings. But not if guitarist Ray has his say. This episode concludes with a visit to Muddler Live, where we catch I'll See You in My Dreams serenaded to the Spitalfields faithful. 

As usual, the Custodian of the Codswallop is Matthew Crampton, who wrote, performed and edited the show. Pianist Dorian Ford appears in Muddler Live. 

Find out more about The Silver Darlings here. 

I'll See You in My Dreams  (1924 Isham Jones & Gus Kahn) Performed by Matthew Crampton and Dorian Ford, recorded at The English Restaurant (mort), Spitalfields 16h February 2014.

They Tell Me There's a Lot of It About (originally written by Ronnie Barker, substantially re-written by Matthew Crampton).

Go and Catch a Falling Star by John Donne read by Richard Burton on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

At the Round Earth's Imagined Corner by John Donne read by Richard Burton on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

Sonnets 22  and 27 by William Shakespeare, read by John Gielgud on Favourite Shakespeare Sonnets Alto ALN 1988  https://altocd.com/product/aln1988/

Monkeys howling in the Amazonian Rainforest.wav by laurent -- https://freesound.org/s/163355/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Transcript

Opener - a Surprise in the Tropics

SPEAKER_02 0:05

You haven't packed the dinner suit, have you? I'll need it for tonight. No, sir. It's being pressed. And the medals? They're being cleaned. Is the beer on ice and and the tonics? Yes, sir, sir. How many staff will be here this evening? All of them. All of them. Hmm. Even the morning T really. Yes, sir. They insisted. That's um that's that's very good. But I thought the woodsmen were on leave. They returned. Hmm. Must admit I'm gratified. They view this as a special occasion. They wouldn't miss it for the world. Sir Chambers, tell me, is there something being planned for this evening? What do you mean, sir? Something unscheduled? I really wouldn't know, sir. You would tell me if there was, wouldn't you? Of course, sir. I mean a district superintendent has not retired here for some time, so there aren't really precedents. No, sir. And when I organise something, I don't like anything unexpected to occur. No, sir. It's just I'm I'm surprised that it means so much to the staff here. Yes, sir. You mean yes, sir, you're surprised too? No, sir. Right. Well, that's all for now. Uh send in Cartwright when he comes. Yes, sir. Ah, Cartwright, thanks for coming round. Do you want a drink or something? That's all right, I'm fine. Now, Cartwright, I appreciate we've had some differences in the past few months. The new regulations were as much of a surprise to me as everyone else. But it was my job to implement them. As you did. As indeed I did. And I appreciate you planters were upset at the new requirements. I I can see that they looked unfair. London may not always realize how tough conditions are locally for the rubber market, but it made its decision, and my job was to see it through. As you did. As indeed I did. But I did it with, I hope, some uh delicacy. Delicacy? Well, it could have been a lot worse. I don't see how. Damn it, Cartwright, I had no choice. And the sooner you see that and work with the representative to make the best of it, well, the easier it will be for you planters. You know, it doesn't really matter anymore. What do you mean? You're retiring. That makes no difference. The regulations will still apply, and the new man will enforce them. We'll see about that. What on earth do you mean? Has no one told you what? We've had correspondence with Singapore. Who's we? The Planters Association. Directly. Not through me. We explained our position and made an ultimatum. That's not possible. I didn't know anything about this. There's a lot you don't know about. What else? Tell me. Oh, you'll find out. When? I'm leaving tomorrow. Well, you'll find out. Now what is it you want to talk about? I should think that was obvious. Please enlighten me. Well, in view of our differences in past months, I I would quite understand it if you didn't wish to attend this evening. Oh I'll be there. You will? Oh certainly. Ah, that's uh gratifying. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Chambers, where have the musicians been set up? On the lawn side, not the veranda as we planned. There were more of them than expected. Really? Yes, sir. All right, well, they do make a hell of a dip. Though there's something strangely haunting about the gambler. Yes, sir. I suppose I won't be hearing that sound in Eastbourne. No, sir. And I may even miss it. Yes, sir. Though I doubt that shall be the case. No, sir. Why are there more of them tonight? I'm not sure, sir. They may have a special piece to play. Really? Bagusla de Peggy. Ah, what's that? You learned the lingo, didn't you? It's a song of farewell, sir. Jolly good. Well, I look forward to hearing it. And they look forward to playing it to you, sir. Now, gentlemen and um ladies, uh salamat malam, as I believe it's appropriate to say at this time. I I never quite got the hang of all those different pugies and sorrows. Anyway, good evening to you all. I'm delighted and surprised to see so many of you here tonight. It's as though you've gathered just to make sure I am truly leaving. Yes. Uh well, I assure you I am. Uh the launch will take me upriver tomorrow morning at 7 a.m., and I expect to be settled in my next home in West Sussex by early April. In time, I hope, to see the Magnolias bloom. Now, I uh I remember some wise parting words I was given by my headmaster when I left to take up my first post in the colonial service back in back in 93, um uh just outside Rangoon. Anyway, this is what he said, and it seems good to quote these words to you now. Uh these, of course, are the words of wise Polonius in uh Hamlet. Hamlet, that's it. Right, here we go. Give thy thoughts no tongue, nor any unproportioned thought his hat. Yes, so true. Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. Those friends thou hast and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel. Maybe this isn't quite the right speech for now, but but do not dull thy palm with entertainment of each new hatched uh unfledged comrade. Talking of entertainment, do we need the musicians now? Beware of entrance to a quarrel, but being in it, bear it, that the opposed may beware of thee. Absolutely. Which puts me in mind, I must admit, of the new regulations. Yes. Um anyway, uh give each man no, give every man thy ear, but few thy voice. And perhaps not give us this drumming right now. Um take every man's censure, but reserve thy judgment. Yes. Costly thy habit as thy purse can be, but not expressed in fancy rich, not gaudy, for the apparel oft proclaims the man. Please, could those musicians stop proclaiming themselves? Yes, no. Now neither a borrower nor a lender before loan oft both loses both uh loan the way itself and friends. Oh, please shut up. Please, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all to thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day thou cannot be forced to any man. Farewell, my blessings. Uh what the hell is that? That's not native music, what is it? You say you say it's the big muddler.

Opening Words

SPEAKER_02 6:54

Nuggets of native nonsense. Put down that tissue. I know it's the last episode of the series, but there's no need for that kind of display. Pull yourself together. The Big Muddler will return, bigger and more muddlesome than ever before. But for now, we're leaving you with a cracking episode. All your old favorites are here. A baffling beginny, this time in Borneo. The jollity boys are back, and they've got a song for you. They tell me there's a lot of it about. And guess what? This week we feature one of our listeners. Yes, she correctly named the classic London gangster film that inspired the start of episode 3.3, which was, of course, the Long Good Friday. And she's correctly named as Laura Tanner, captain of the Silver Darling Shanty Crew. But what's her prize? Well, she and the Silver Darlings get a mention, maybe a bit more, in this week's Great Crustaceans. Can't wait! And what else have we got today? I'm afraid you'll have to find out for yourselves. Are you ready? Then let's jump in.

The Rest is Jollity - They Tell Me There's Lot of it About

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Say goodbye to sadness, bid farewell to fear, dance around the kitchen, have another beer outside. It may be raining, but that don't bother me. For now the part's started, the rest is jollity. Hello, listener. Hello, Worth Metravers here. Could you give us an oink? What? Give us an oink, whatever for. Because right now, you listener are a guinea pig. Really? Yes. Guinea pig for a radio experiment. Ah, I see what you're doing, Bertie. Very clever work in progress, I think they call it. Filling airtime with panicked rehearsal, they might also say. Mellers, no need for an attack of honesty. Yes, lucky listener, you're about to hear some new material. We've got a wonderful new titty for you. It's about the challenges of modern life, adjusting to the changing behaviors we see all around us. Oh, I thought it was just a bit of fluff. But on one level, worthy, you are just a bit of fluff, I know. But on another level, you're a hot blooded Englishman with passion, purpose, and sprinkle so yes, I'm devoted to my house your d so this simple ditty sums up life today with all its frills and foibles. Ah, I'm excited. Would you like to take the first verse? Try and stop it. Then I'm not sure. When I got home last Wednesday, I was feeling quite morose, a little out of sorts, you'll understand. So I headed to a drinking house conveniently close, and went in with my wallet in my hand. She was six foot two and every inch a gentle with a figure like a well-made double bed. What can I do for you? She said, An on-the-counter leapt. And I stared into her sultry eyes and said, What did you say? They tell me there's a lot of it about. They tell me there's a lot of it about. Some get it here, some get it there, others seem to pick it up any old way. It's definitely on the increase. All that there is no doubt. It's not a thing that you can put your finger on, but there's certainly a lot of it about. Oh, there is now. I'm the sort of fellow who's relaxed behind the wheel, and what you call a most considerate driver. And lately I've observed that my humor can congeal and a bitter taste infect all my saliva. Tell me more. For the roads on which I drive seem filled with angry honkers who toot away whenever they desire. Yes, and the sight is well, they drive me absolutely bonkers because I've joined their ranks. My road rage is on fire. They tell me there's a lot of it about. They tell me there's a lot of it about. Some get it here, some get it there, others seem to pick it up any old way. It's definitely on the increase. Of that there is no doubt. It's not a thing that you can put your finger upon, but there's certainly a lot of it about. Over to you, Mellus. The other day at ten o'clock, I was dancing down the street feeling like the world that was my oyster wall. When suddenly I sensed something alien beneath my feet. And reaching down, I found my shoe was moister. Oh dear, I thought, not again. My nose confirmed my dread. I feel another bout of urban melancholy. Is it the neighbour's shihsu, or their terrier instead? Or a golden doodle from their border college. What's going on? They tell me there's a lot of it about. They tell me there's a lot of it about some get it. Some get it there, others seem to pick it up any old way. It's definitely on, but there's certainly a lot of it about it. There is let me tell you some more. Two honeymooners, rather tired, preparing to retire, began to kiss and cuddle on the bed. His love it was so ardent that the bed clothes caught on fire. Quick dear through the window, jump, he said. No. Her nike caught upon a nail. It rose up as she descended. She hung there with her legs flung open wide. The lady in the flat below looked up and was offended. But the farm and down below as one man cried. Tell me there's a lot of it about. Some ethics. Some ethics seem to pick it up. Any old increase of finger on, but there's certainly a lot of it about. Well, that didn't go too badly. I do like your line about the shihsu and the golden doodle. Both pups named after a poop. Indeed. But I'm not sure you'd qualify as a considerate driver. Oh, I don't. Have you ever thought those honkers may be honking at you? Really? That's why you hear them every time you hit the road. Say that once more, and I shall hit you. Touching. I steer my sunbeam like I drove my tank in the war. With just as many confirmed kills, I warrant. Ouch. Exactly. Say goodbye to sadness. Bid farewell to fear. Dance around the kitchen. Have another beer. Outside it may be raining, but that don't bother me. For now the party's started. The rest is jollity.

Celebrity Poetry Phone-In

SPEAKER_02 14:42

That was a message from our show sponsor, Golden Acres Retirement Homes. We care so you don't have to. Thank you, Fraser. This afternoon we're talking about end-of-life care. Whoa, bit of a heavy topic, I know, but it's important. And I know you've got strong views. First up, we have regular caller Richard in Patorbut. Richard, what are your feelings about, well, you know, preparing for the final chapter.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

And death shall have no dominion. Dead men naked, they shall be one with a man in the wind and the west moon.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

Now hold on there, Richard.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

That doesn't happen in modern funeral homes.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

Though they be mad and dead as nails, heads of the characters hammer through daisies, break in the sun, till the sun breaks down. And death shall have no dominion.

SPEAKER_02 15:42

Tell me, Richard, are you planning any music for the service?

SPEAKER_01 15:45

At the round earth's imagine corners, blow your trumpets, angels, and arise.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

I fear some crematoriums don't allow brass instruments. Probably best to check that in advance, Richard. Richard? Are you still there? Go and catch a falling star. Oh, he's back. So, Mr. B, how will you ready yourself for the final days? Do you have any tips for palliative preparation?

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Get with child a mandrake root. Tell me where all past years are, or who cleft the devil's foot. Teach me to hear mermaids singing or to keep off envy stinging and find what wine serves to advance an honest life.

SPEAKER_02 16:24

Right, okay, well, wise words, I'm sure. Now for another caller. Oh, it's John G, an old friend of the program. Tell me, John, are you ready for retirement?

SPEAKER_00 16:37

My glass shall not persuade me I am old, so long as youth and thou are of one date.

SPEAKER_02 16:44

I'm sensing a bit of denial here, John. Let's take a breath. Think ahead and imagine those final days.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed. The dear repose for limbs with travail tired.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

That's it, keep going.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

But then begins a journey in my head to work my mind when body's works expire.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Well, there's always daytime TV.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

For then my thoughts from far where I abide, intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee.

SPEAKER_02 17:17

Who's thee? Is there a Mrs. G?

SPEAKER_00 17:20

And keep my drooping eyelids open wide, looking on darkness which the blind do see.

SPEAKER_02 17:26

Really? Blind can see. That's a scientific breakthrough I hadn't heard about.

SPEAKER_00 17:31

Lo, thus by day my limbs, by night my mind, for thee and for myself. No quiet find.

SPEAKER_02 17:41

Oh, don't worry, John. It probably won't be that bad. You know, it helps to have something to look forward to every day. Maybe a group activity or a family visit or or simply treacle tart for pudding. John? John? I think we've lost him. Well, that's all for today. Tomorrow we'll be talking about the popular TV show Inspector Morse. And how come Sleepy Oxford has a higher murder rate than Detroit? Makes you think, doesn't it?

Great Crustaceans - with The Silver Darlings

SPEAKER_03 18:31

The while less snappy, but they're seldom happy.

SPEAKER_02 18:45

Got washed up on the sand. They got nowhere left to hide.

SPEAKER_03 18:50

So they found themselves a fan. Their great crustacean. Great crustacean. Their great crustacean.

SPEAKER_02 19:07

Now, boys, I've got an exciting announcement. Are you retiring? Ray. It's what I dream of daily. No, boys, no chance of that. I'm here through thick and thin. And as you know, the music world has recently been pretty thin. Bands are finding it hard to get audiences. Well, they shouldn't play rubbish then. Including great crustations. Exactly. We don't play rubbish. No, we play really good songs. We could play better ones. If I may continue, well, the musicians union has decided to do something about it. Are they retiring? Ray! No, they've got a great new scheme to put the life back into live music. Oh Christ. It's called Opposites Attract. They're pairing up groups who play different music to gig together. So appealing to both genres and doubling the audience. Or pissing off the entire fan base. And I'm excited to say we've been paired up with a fantastic group called the Silver Darlings. The what? The Silver Darlings. They're from South End on Sea, so they're coastal like us. How are they different then? Well, they're singers. So they're a vocal group. Exactly. Hold on a sec, they're from the seaside and they sing. Hmm. They're not a bloody shanty group, are they? Yes, and they're fabulous. Oh no, I can't stand them already. What's your problem with shanties, Ray? What's your problem with everything? Oh, it's all ho ho ho and to me yep. And it's also bloody upbeat and happy. No wonder everyone loves them and you dislike them. Well, boys, given that Ray hates most things and audiences love shanties, I think we're on to a winner. Plus, they're a unique shanty group. Why's that? They're all women. Oh, this gets worse. So that doubles the audience again. I love it, I love it. This is just the kind of thing we should be doing. I hate it, I hate it. This is the end of the world. How is it gonna work, Ken? Well, Otis. We play a gig with them in South End as their support. They play a gig here as our support. And do we play anything together? That's the best bit. Yes! We collaborate on a song or songs of our choosing. And Laura from the Silver Darlings has asked us for suggestions. Could I suggest that we just kill ourselves now? Ray, don't let us stop you. Has it got to be a shanty? No, I suppose it can be anything. But why don't we think of songs that really say great crustaceans? Like Prawn to be wild. Thanks, Ray. Let's have serious ideas. I am serious. Here's another. We'll keep a welcome home in the hillside. Oh come on. Give it a rest. Oh, you're right, I'm sorry, these are no good. I can do better than that. Like clam every mountain. Right, that's it, Ray. Why don't you go off and have a little rest? Your presence here is not helping. What and leave you to come up with some rubbish? No, I'm staying where I am. Then at least shut up. Let us get on with being a serious band. All right, all right. But there is a shanty, I could suggest. Are you still joking? Oh, this is perfectly serious. It's a real shanty. Everyone knows it. Are you sure? Yeah. Then what's it called? South Australia. South Oysteralia. See? Oh bloody hell, Ray. I've got an idea. Oh, Spider, you're there. What's your idea? A bit of Beyonce. Sounds good. Which bit of Beyonce? All the Winkle ladies. All the Winkle ladies. All the Winkle ladies. All the Winkle ladies. Oh, not you as well. Nice one, Spider. If our bass is suggested something like rocking all over the world, what? That would be Squid Pro Quo. He's on a roll. This is ridiculous. A crab roll. That's not funny. Yes it is. No, we never joke about shellfish being eaten. Oh, don't be so precious. Ray, you wouldn't like it if we talked about clam bakes. I wouldn't care. You didn't like us performing at that restaurant in Sidmouth. It was a seafood restaurant. Exactly. No. There's a difference between making a pun and being grilled for a bun. We'd never have been grilled. Well, fried then. Boys, this is really not helpful. I need to get back to Laura of the Silver Darlings with some suggestions. Oh, here's one spider. I lobster, but never flounder. I don't get that. Well, I lost her but never found her. Oh never mind. Oh, I see. Lobster flounder. Ah. But that's not a song. Does it matter? Why is it these meetings never go anywhere? Because we're a band. We should play, not talk. I give up with you boys. Oh, is that a promise? No, of course not. Come on, let's try again. Serious ideas for a collaboration with the silver darlings from South End. Oh blind if you can't beat them. Right. Shrimply the best. Well done, Squid. I'm proud of you. You guys are crazy. All you think about is wordplay. We're British, that's what we do. Well, we Greeks can do it too. Yeah. Never mind the mollusks. Yeah. Walk like a crustacean. That's it, I give up now. Oh, don't get upset, Ken. It's just the way we are. Go on. You have a go. Me? I don't do puns. Just give it a try. Well, I suppose I could say something by Roy Orbison. What's that? Only the abalone. Oh brilliant. Well done. Welcome to the gang, kids. That's very good. But what am I gonna say to Laura? They're wild. Let's snap it.

SPEAKER_03 24:36

But they're seldom happy.

SPEAKER_02 24:40

They came in on the wrong tie, got washed up on the stand, they got nowhere left to hide.

SPEAKER_03 24:48

So they formed themselves a band. They're great crustaceans. Great crustaceans, their great crustaceans.

Muddler Live - I'll See You in My Dreams

SPEAKER_02 25:09

Ah, we're getting close to the end now.

SPEAKER_04 25:25

Through the dreary gray of another day. Yo be far away, and I'll be flu.

SPEAKER_03 25:40

Still I hope you pray through each weary day comes the night when I can dream of you.

SPEAKER_07 25:56

I'll see you in my three.

Closing Words

SPEAKER_02 27:23

What a journey we've taken. But have we got there? Who knows where we were heading? If you think you've reached somewhere, do let us know. Meantime, the team behind this podcast will retreat to burnish our bruises and sharpen our gag. Today's show featured pianist Dorian Ford, plus Richard Burton and John Gilgude. Otherwise, it was a confection entirely conceived in the brain and voice box of Matthew Crampton. He'll be back soon with season four, which will, he assures me, feature some special guests. So there'll be someone else to include in the play. Thank goodness. Till then, keep muddling.