Dux Femina Facti
Welcome to "Dux Femina Facti," the podcast that deep dives into the rich tapestry of womanhood with insight, empathy, unapologetic honesty, and humor. Yes, a woman is the author of these exploits.
Dux Femina Facti
Fear Not Welcome Here
Which would you rather face in the forest... a man or a bear?
This episode unpacks the quiet terror women carry every day, and why even a wild animal feels like the safer bet. Because the bear doesn’t catcall. It doesn’t follow you to your car. It doesn’t make you calculate exit routes, weaponize your keys, or second-guess your outfit. It just does bear things. Meanwhile, women are out here managing their own trauma responses just to grab a latte.
Which would you choose to encounter if you were alone and unarmed in a forest A male stranger or a bear? This is a question that I've seen posed and debated on various social media outlets for about a year or so give or take. Most every woman who engages in the conversation or references it will choose the bear. Yes, an actual wild animal that could chew you up and rip you to shreds is preferable to some random dude, maybe because the forest is the natural habitat for a bear that is only doing what a bear does, whereas coming upon a strange guy lurking amongst the trees taps into all of the stranger danger, serial killer cultural tropes we see in movies and television series. While the threat from a rando in the woods is not super high, the threat of violence, the threat of verbal abuse, the threat of rape or the threat of murder from men is an actuality that all women confront and or consider throughout their lives. It's another variation on that thought exercise question that has been around for ages and was prominent during the peak discussions of the Me Too movement. What would a woman do in a world without men? Women let their imaginations run free and the most common response is typically associated with a woman being able to have her body in a place space, time continuum where she does not face the fear of bodily harm or mansplaining. A better question for me is what would a woman do in a world without fear of men? A better question for me is what would a woman do in a world without fear of men? I don't want to live without men. I know some women do and I totally get it, but not me. On the crudest of levels. I'm simply not willing to give On the crudest of levels. I'm simply not willing to live without a good cock. Maybe when my vulva shrivels up and falls off, sure, I've lived long enough to see for myself that many of the adults in charge, who happen to be men, are not the best or the brightest or the most qualified for their leadership roles. We just have to look at our current United States administration. But that's a problem in need of a change, not a final solution. I don't want men to go away. I just want to be free of fear and bullshit, to be free to make choices that are not constrained by dozens of calculations, big and small, that inhibit my movements because of them. Here's some examples Hiking by myself.
Lia Gary:How do I not think about what I would do if I was confronted by a man with bad intentions? I live within a 10-minute walk of miles of hiking trails and the majority of them are intermediate advanced. So it's highly, highly unlikely that a male human predator would go. So it's highly, highly unlikely that a male human predator would care to hike uphill for 30 minutes under a hot Southern California sun with minimal shade, waiting behind a craggy rock for the right moment to pounce. The biggest threat to my person is male bighorn sheep, and when I do encounter a group of them, they know I'm coming long before I see them. They'll simply trot off in another direction, far, far away from the stinky homo sapien. I've hiked in many different terrains where there were long stretches of flat and abundant trees and bushes. So it's not a misguided reflex to feel guarded when I'm by myself on an isolated trail. That's human nature. But it's misplaced in my current hiking environment Dry, desert nature.
Lia Gary:Another example Leaving my house every day. How do I let go of the finely honed defense mechanism I've developed since I was a little girl that I must always be aware of my surroundings and who may be watching me? I'm a born and bred urban dweller forged in the bustle of large, sprawling metroplexes. Most of my life Chicago, san Francisco, new York, seattle, los Angeles Walking to and from home at the same time every day for school or work or the dog, means I'm creating a recognizable pattern for a creeper to track and follow me. Mostly, I have to suit up and brace myself for the potential confrontations and microaggressions. I'm fortunate now to live in a smaller, quieter and safer city, but there is a form of armor I cannot easily strip away and probably never should. People intent on doing harm aren't going away ever. So walking by myself, particularly at night, requires a quick mental checklist of phone ready to dial 911, keys as claws that are easily available in pocket or in hand, and an oversized jacket or sweatshirt. Because, even if it's a warm summer day or night, if I show my female body I will potentially attract unwanted attention.
Lia Gary:Which leads me to another example simply wearing clothes. Why do I have to think about how my body is being presented to the world with my sartorial choices? There's the societal pressure, with the public square's gatekeeping of female bodies, and there's the personal self-esteem issues of self-loathing, everything one puts on one's body because of internalized societal stigma and expectations, but this is a conversation about just walking down the street, running errands or grabbing a coffee. I'm not talking about overt and intentional body con outfits or tons of exposed skin not that there's anything wrong with that, just a more form-fitting t-shirt or leggings or a bit of cleavage popping up from a sports bra. I'm not looking for attention, I'm looking to get through my day away. That's 360 feet in American or 110 meters for the rest of the world that uses the metric system, including the end zones, and those men make me feel uncomfortable, self-conscious and angry. What are you looking at, fucker?
Lia Gary:There are plenty of times when I wear what I want to wear and I don't care, but there are those days when I could be wearing the baggiest and most body diminishing clothes in my closet because my body is in its monthly water balloon metamorphosis and I can still feel male eyes trying to pierce through the layers to determine what exactly I don't know. Are they looking for boobies, butts, vaginas, ultra high energy particles, other dimensions, dark matter oh, you found some dark matter. Are they looking for boobies, butts, vaginas, ultra high energy particles, other dimensions, dark matter oh, you found some dark energy bud. Trust me, I know the difference between a general look over of another human being upon passing and the penetrating stare of male on female focus. It has lessened as I've aged out of nubileness, but it's still happening and it triggers my limbic system. This triggers my stress response and cortisol levels. This triggers fear.
Lia Gary:Fear is a constant. Sometimes it's immediate and conscious, but mostly it's just lingering there, hitting my amygdala. You know that small gray mass in your brain that helps process emotions like fear and anxiety. It's not surprising that women suffer higher rates of anxiety and depression and jaw clenching. Yep, that's a thing called bruxism.
Lia Gary:Females begin this battle before we even reach puberty. Young girls and grown-ass women must make choices to survive that may have nothing to do with hunting and gathering, but rather a management and regulation. Females begin this battle before we even reach puberty. Young girls and then grown-ass women must make choices to survive that have nothing to do with hunting and gathering, but rather a management and regulation of externally triggered emotional responses. All while working full-time jobs, going to school, raising kids, caring for aging parents and coping with our own mental and physical challenges of simply existing on earth and not fully understanding why and what it all means and what's the point. That's my touch of nihilism for the day. All women have, at minimum, tales of harassment by men whilst living their lives and it triggers that deep lizard brain fear of being unalived. It triggers fear.
Lia Gary:I wish I had a definitive answer of how to change this predicament. No-transcript, but that's not real life and no man is coming to save us, even the best of them. So, like the Amazons who lived on so like, so like the Amazons who lived on the Meskera, perhaps women should form their own collectives, fiercely independent and highly skilled and trained, with those of us who would be warriors and those of us who would be thinkers, and all of us would be healers, especially for our limbic systems. In the interim, I'll continue having my own personal debate over situations such as which is better taking an elevator alone with a strange man or taking the stairwell alone with the unknown. In the interim, I'll continue having my personal debate over situations such as which is better, such as which is better Taking an elevator alone with a strange man who's giving me creepy vibes, or taking the stairwell alone with the unknown? In the interim, I'll continue having my personal debate over situations such as which is better Taking an elevator alone with a strange man, or taking the stairwell alone with the unknown.
Lia Gary:The elevator may be my only choice because the floor I require is more than a five story walk up, but then I'm trapped in a small space with some sus bro. If the stairwell is a possibility, the elevator may be my only choice because the floor I require is more than a five-story walk-up, but then I'm trapped in a small space with some sus bro. If the stairwell is a possibility, it may be darker, no cameras, more isolated, less likely a friendly will walk by. But if I did encounter a potential baddie on the stairwell, I could run. I could get the upper hand and kick him down the stairs or he could get the upper hand. There are pros and cons to both and sadly the big con is having to think about any of this in the first place. I'll cross my fingers and hope. In either case elevator or stairs, it's the bear, thank you.