The PGspot - The Naked Truth: How to Talk About Sex

Talking about sex with your partner doesn’t have to be awkward, it can actually bring you closer. In this episode, we dive into why open, honest conversations about sex are essential for a healthy relationship. From navigating desires and boundaries to building trust and deeper intimacy, we’re breaking down how to communicate with confidence (and maybe even have a little fun doing it). Let’s normalize the talk that leads to better connection, in and out of the bedroom. 

If you want to learn more about sexual health, sexual dysfunction, or how to improve your sex life, follow me on Instagram at @thepgspot or check out my website at doctorpattyj.com for blogs and resources related to sex positivity and real talk about sexuality.  As as always, stay curious, stay empowered, and stay you.

Transcript

Speaker 0:08

Welcome to the PG spot, where our goal is to take the X out of sex by breaking down the barriers that prevent open communication about sexual health. I'm Dr. Patty Jalomo, a dual certified nurse practitioner, pelvic floor therapist, and certified sexual counselor. I'm here to provide expert insights, debunk myths, and empower you to embrace your sexual wellbeing. Whether you're looking for answers or simply curious, join us as we open up the conversation around sex, intimacy and everything in between. I want to take this opportunity to acknowledge that some content may not be appropriate for all listeners. I'm a huge proponent of honest and accurate information regarding sexuality. But I'm also mindful that this should be age appropriate. Therefore, if you are under 18, this may not be the podcast for you. Additionally, some of the language used in this podcast may be offensive to some listeners. Please take these things into consideration before going forward with your consensual participation in this podcast. The opinions expressed by myself or my guests are just that, and these opinions are neither expected or required to be shared by all listeners. The information that is provided is for educational and entertainment purposes only, and should not be mistaken for individual medical advice if you do find the information that we cover in the PG spot. Helpful. Interesting or informative. Please rate and review the podcast wherever you're listening from. If you think this information is important, I would love for you to share it with your friends or family. This is a great way to get the information out to more people. So thank you for listening and let's get on with the show.

Patty 1:47

Let's be real. Talking about sexual concerns with a partner isn't always easy. Whether it's a new connection or a long-term relationship, the topic can feel awkward, intimidating, and just plain uncomfortable, but it doesn't have to be. Having open, honest conversations about sexual health is a powerful way to build trust, protect each other, and create a foundation for a safer and more fulfilling sex life. In this episode, we're going to talk about how to navigate that conversation with clarity, compassion, and confidence. There's so much to discuss when it comes to having good communication about sex, so let's get into it. I think that before you even start a conversation with a partner around intimacy, it's important to prepare and check in with yourself first. Dr. Brene Brown, who is well known for extensive research on shame, emphasizes the importance of emotional literacy, meaning you can't express your needs clearly if you don't understand what's happening internally. It's important to take a moment to get clear on your own values and boundaries and to organize your thoughts prior to initiating a conversation with your partner. For example, here are some questions to ask yourself that might help you clarify your own perspective. What happens or doesn't happen in your sex life? What exactly is going on now that is creating barriers, anxiety, or dissatisfaction in your intimate relationship? This might include looking at the situation in a general context or even in more specific terms, or maybe both, For example, some general questions to reflect on might be asking yourself if there are any overarching patterns or themes that feel on or off lately, such as emotional closeness or connection. maybe how much time you spend together, or even physical touch or lack of physical touch. Some specific questions that may be helpful to clarify Your perspective might be to consider what moments or situations have led to the issue, such as certain words or actions, or even silence. And then once you pinpoint the issue, consider what feelings you have about it. So speaking of feelings, it's important to differentiate between thoughts and feelings. Many people get these two confused, especially during conflicts. They label their thoughts as feelings and then feel entitled to them. Discriminating between the two can be difficult, but it's crucial if you wanna stay grounded and if you want your partner to participate in the conversation. So how do you tell the difference? Well, feelings are emotions that fall into one of four broad categories. Those are mad, sad, glad, or afraid. Whereas a thought is simply your perspective, your observation or interpretation of the situation. Your feelings can't be invalid, but your thoughts can. For example, he might say something like, I feel like you don't want to have sex with me, and that I'm not important enough for you to make an effort. But this is not actually a feeling statement. You probably feel sad, afraid, or maybe even resentful, but you think that your partner doesn't desire you, or you think that they don't value enough to work on your sex life. So by recognizing and acknowledging that you have added your own meaning to the feelings, underscores that they are just thoughts, They are not absolute and may not even be correct. So consider what meaning you've made around what's happening and identify your assumptions and stories. Do you have certain beliefs that inform your reaction? And if so, where do those beliefs come from? Then think about what you want or what the situation would ideally look like to you. Describe your vision of the future that you desire. What would be some specific changes that you might want to see if it were up to you, even though in reality it's not up to you entirely. You could ask yourself, What am I really feeling right now? Is it sad, mad, glad, or angry? 'cause those are the feelings, right? And then what thoughts or stories am I creating in this situation? You might even think about what do I need from my partner in the current moment? Or even, is this about them Or am I just reacting to something deeper? When you can name what's happening inside you, then it becomes easier to express it calmly and clearly. Next. It's important to get clarity on your contribution. Every situation is co-created. Sometimes it's easy to see your part, but sometimes you have to challenge yourself to look deeply at how you could be part of the problem. Consider these questions to help uncover your role in the dynamic. In what ways do you focus on your partner's behavior and attitude rather than your own? Do you believe something is wrong with them? That they're acting deliberately to hurt or deny you? How do you behave in the face of sexual difficulty, and how might that behavior drive your partner away or deepen the cycle? How well do you talk about what you want without blame or pressure? Do you stay grounded in conversation or conflict? Are there ways that your emotional response either escalates those talks or shuts down either you or your partner before you talk to your partner. It may be helpful to try to see the situation through their eyes. Putting yourself into their shoes in advance may help you to create some space for curiosity and empathy. You might consider these questions to help you see things through their eyes. consider, how can your partner's behavior make sense and what emotions are they feeling? What do you think they are thinking in a situation? What do they want? What are they afraid of? How can you see their behavior in the best light? One of my favorite sex educators and podcaster, Dr. Emily Morse, emphasizes something that she calls the three T's when initiating a conversation with a partner around sex. These are timing, tone, and turf. So let's break these down. First off, we need to pick the right moment for tough discussions, especially something that might be triggering such as sex and intimacy, timing and setting matter. And it helps to be intentional about the hard talks. avoid the tendency to ambush your partner or dive into an intense topic When they may not even have the bandwidth to respond well, for example. Don't expect to have the conversation the minute they walk through the door from a long day at work or right before they're getting ready to go to sleep. It can be helpful to schedule a time to talk and set a time limit so that you both know what to expect. And then you might say something like. Hey, I've been thinking about something important to me and I'd love to find a good time to talk with you about our intimacy. When might be a good time for you, or I'd love for us to be even more connected and in sync sexually. Can we plan a time to talk openly about it? Or even, I came across this article about how couples grow their intimacy. You wanna check it out together and talk about it? Next comes tone. Not everybody is used to talking about sex openly. Your partner might feel caught off guard, nervous, or even a little embarrassed. Approach the conversation as a two-way street from a positive mindset. Share your own experience and invite your partner to share theirs. This isn't about interrogation or blame. It's about safety, honesty, and respect. Using I Statements can help to reduce defensiveness and keep your partner from shutting down before the conversation even gets started. I Statements are a classic communication tool that is used in therapy. they are simple but powerful and help to express your experience without assigning blame. This dramatically lowers the chance of your partner becoming defensive. so let's use the example from earlier. And I see this scenario so often in clinic, One partner has a higher desire for sex than the other, causing desire, discrepancy in the relationship. All too often, the Higher desire partner makes up stories in their head about why the Lower desire partner doesn't want to initiate sex more often. As previously mentioned, start by getting clear on your feelings. So remember, sad, glad, mad, or Afraid, and reflect on what thoughts you've created around the situation. Remember, using an accusatory tone won't get you very far in the conversation and will likely just cause your partner to shut down or get angry. So instead of saying something like, you never wanna have sex anymore and I feel like you don't find me attractive, you could use an I statement. You express your feelings and the thoughts behind the feelings. So a better way to express this might be to say. I realize that I feel sad and resentful about the lack of sex in our relationship. I feel afraid that I won't be happy in our sex life and that will damage our relationship overall. I have this story that you don't want sex at all and that you don't care enough about me to work on it with me. This belief keeps me distant from you, and I can tell it's really in a way of our relationship. Will you explore with me what I'm thinking and feeling so that we can move it out of the way? By acknowledging that your thoughts and feelings are two different things, and using I statements and a calm tone, you'll be better able to engage in meaningful conversations with your partner by reducing defensiveness, taking responsibility, encouraging empathy, and clarifying your needs. So really try to stay calm and non-judgmental. If they need some time to process, give them that space and support. Try to stay grounded and self-regulated and continue to bring it up. Let them see that you are serious about solving the problems, and if they react negatively or refuse to have the conversation, well, that might be a red flag worth paying attention to. The last T is for turf. This is simply where the conversation should be held. The last place you wanna have a conversation about your sex life is in the bedroom instead, plan to have a conversation in a neutral spot, maybe at the dinner table or sitting on the couch, or even a better idea is to take a walk or find another activity that doesn't require much thought or concentration and has you side by side, as opposed to looking directly across to each other. It's often easier to have a hard conversation in that manner. Although conversations around sex and intimacy can be difficult, using the three T's can help. Remember, no one is born a great communicator. It takes practice and emotional regulation to learn how to actively communicate. Even though it might seem difficult at first, the more we talk about our sexual relationship, the more normal it becomes, and the payoff is absolutely worth it. In a large meta-analysis of 48 studies, and this looked at over 12,000 participants, it was found that sexual communication correlates with improved sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, lubrication, erectile function, less pain. And overall satisfaction, especially in married couples and particularly for women's desire and orgasm function, healthy relationships thrive on effective communication. But that doesn't just mean talking more. It's really about how we express our feelings, how we listen to understand and respond with empathy According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, one of the strongest predictors of a long-term relationship. Success is how partners respond to each other's bids for connection. That means really listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk. If your partner is upset, empathize first. Listen to what they're saying and make sure you understand it from their perspective. Do this. Before you start constructing your response, Make it clear that you really see why they're upset based on how they have experienced what happened. that. Doesn't mean that you have to agree with them, but. That you can see the situation through their eyes, then you can proceed to communicate how you see it, and they should show you the same courtesy of understanding your point of view. After you empathize with each other. When both perspectives have been understood, Then you can figure out how to handle those differences of opinion. Some examples of active listening include reflecting back what you heard. So what I'm hearing you say is, da, da, da, da, validating your emotions. So something like that makes sense. I can see why that would be upsetting to you. And then also asking clarifying questions, so you could say, can you help me understand that part better? That way you can, really make sure that they know that you care about their response and that you're trying to understand it from their point of view. Effective communication isn't about proving a point or being right. It's about staying connected even when things are hard In emotionally secure relationships, partners prioritize understanding over winning arguments. It's also very important to normalize ongoing conversations. Communication around sex and intimacy isn't just a one-time chat. Bodies change. Relationships evolve, and what felt safe or comfortable a few months ago might shift. Know that you will likely have to have several conversations and embrace a process of exploration and negotiation as your sexual relationship changes and transforms. For the tenacious problems, it might take quite a while to fully understand each other and come up with approaches that you can both embrace. It's a great idea to even make quick weekly check-ins the norm, so keep the door open, check in regularly, and always make space for honesty, vulnerability, and mutual care. So let's get into some real questions that I get from listeners and patients. The first question is from Shelly and she asks, how do I tell my partner I'm not enjoying the way we have sex without hurting his feelings? So this is a great question and it's one that a lot of people struggle with First, as previously mentioned with the three T's timing matters. Don't bring this up in the middle of or right after sex. Instead, set aside a calm, safe moment outside of the bedroom. As we also discussed, try using an I statement, which would make it more about the shared growth rather than critiquing them, you might say something like. I really love being with you and the connection that we have, and I wanna feel even more connected to you during sex. I've noticed that I'm not always feeling the kind of pleasure that I'd like to, and I'd love to explore what would work better for us together. You can also ask them what they might enjoy and then work from mutual curiosity. It's always a good idea to start with what people refer to as a compliment sandwich This means that we start with something positive, then the negative and then end on a positive. So it should be separated by and instead of a but. so like in the example I've noticed, I'm not always feeling the kind of pleasure that I'd like and I'd love to explore with you when we put a butt in there, it almost negates whatever comes before the butt. so that can then just turn the whole conversation a different way. It's kind of hard to get used to it, but it will make a huge difference in how things come across in conversation. The next question is from an anonymous listener in Arizona, and they write. My partner never initiates sex. Is it weird to bring that up? No, that's not weird at all. It's actually totally valid and a fairly common concern. Many people assume desire should be like 50 50, but we all know life doesn't work that way. Um, maybe a gentle way to open this up might be saying something like, I've noticed I'm usually the one to start things sexually. I don't mind initiating, but I also really like to feel desired by you too. Can we talk about what initiation looks like for you? Maybe they just show interest differently through touch cuddling or nonverbal cues, and you're just missing it because it's so different than how you or other partners might have initiated sex or shown interest before. It's great to invite that conversation and again, use those I statements and express curiosity without blame. Okay, we'll do one more. This listener writes, how do I tell my partner I want to try something new in bed, Like toys or light kink. Okay, so this is awesome. Wanting to explore is healthy and it keeps the relationship exciting. The key is to present it playfully and really as a shared adventure. So you might try something like I was reading about how couples can try new things to spice things up. Would you be open to exploring something playful like toys or role play or even you can blame me like, um, I was listening to this podcast and they were discussing that a lot of couples find it exciting to experiment with toys in a bedroom. Would you be open to trying that? And remember that kink doesn't have to be like dungeons and pain for many people. Just having sex outside the bedroom is kinky. There's a great show that aired on Netflix, it was a couple years ago, called How to Build a Sex Room. It is about a designer that renovates rooms for couples in their homes and demonstrates a huge variety of what people want and consider a sex room. for some it was just a calm, relaxing, meditative like atmosphere where for others they wanted something like dark and exotic, more of a sex dungeon atmosphere. So it's really a fun show and a great way to introduce your partner to options when it comes to trying new things. And also assuming this is a heterosexual couple, see if he's opening to you using a toy on him. There are a lot more options now for penis owners. Everything from simple cock rings to toys, for prostate play or anal play. So start slow, be curious, and have fun. Now, having said that, you do have to be open to a no without taking it personally. They may opt that that's not something that they want to do and that is completely fine. It may be helpful to use something like a yes no, maybe list together. And this is where there's a page that has all kinds of different, Sexual positions or things to do, or things to use, um, or different ideas to spicing sub sexually, and it then has a yes no and a maybe spot, and so. Each partner goes through their own list and they check yes, no. Or maybe yes. I'm totally open to trying that No is a definite hard no, but maybe is, Hmm, maybe I could do it. I'm kind of leaning towards, no, but it's not a solid hard, I. Boundary. No. So then you can compare those lists and you might be surprised, 'cause there may be things that you would've thought your partner would be absolutely against, but they may have that on the maybe spot so that can open up some more communication about what, they might be willing to try. So those are some ideas to try to make things a little more exciting in the bedroom and maybe try to introduce something new. Remember talking about sex doesn't have to be awkward. If you approach it with curiosity, um, and the goal of deepening connection, even the trickiest conversations really can bring you closer. So Remember, practice makes progress, so keep practicing. Until next time, stay curious, stay empowered, and stay you.

Speaker 20:55

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening, and be sure to rate and review the podcast on whatever platform you're listening from and share it with your friends. That's a great way to help reach new listeners and make this a more sex positive world. Also, I'd love your feedback and questions, so send me a message. It's at email@doctorpattyj.com, and that's doctor spelled out, D-O-C-T-O-R-P-A-T-T-Y-J.com. Until next time, stay curious, stay empowered, and stay you.