The PGspot - Top 10 Ways to Keep Sex Spicy

 Is your sex life feeling a little routine or predictable? In this episode, we dive into the top 10 ways to reignite passion, deepen intimacy, and bring excitement back into the bedroom. From playful communication and exploring novelty to building emotional connection and prioritizing pleasure, you’ll learn simple, research-backed strategies to help keep desire alive in long-term relationships. Whether you’re looking for a spark or a full-on fire, this episode offers practical, sex-positive insights to help you and your partner reconnect and rediscover each other. 

Click here for the complete yes/no/maybe list https://doctorpattyj.com/s/YesNoMaybe-Complete-List-1.pdf

If you want to learn more about sexual health, sexual dysfunction, or how to improve your sex life, follow me on Instagram at @thepgspot or check out my website at doctorpattyj.com for blogs and resources related to sex positivity and real talk about sexuality.  As as always, stay curious, stay empowered, and stay you.

Transcript

0:08

Welcome to the PG spot, where our goal is to take the X out of sex by breaking down the barriers that prevent open communication about sexual health. I'm Dr. Patty Jalomo, a dual certified nurse practitioner, pelvic floor therapist, and certified sexual counselor. I'm here to provide expert insights, debunk myths, and empower you to embrace your sexual wellbeing. Whether you're looking for answers or simply curious, join us as we open up the conversation around sex, intimacy and everything in between. I want to take this opportunity to acknowledge that some content may not be appropriate for all listeners. I'm a huge proponent of honest and accurate information regarding sexuality. But I'm also mindful that this should be age appropriate. Therefore, if you are under 18, this may not be the podcast for you. Additionally, some of the language used in this podcast may be offensive to some listeners. Please take these things into consideration before going forward with your consensual participation in this podcast. The opinions expressed by myself or my guests are just that, and these opinions are neither expected or required to be shared by all listeners. The information that is provided is for educational and entertainment purposes only, and should not be mistaken for individual medical advice if you do find the information that we cover in the PG spot. Helpful. Interesting or informative. Please rate and review the podcast wherever you're listening from. If you think this information is important, I would love for you to share it with your friends or family. This is a great way to get the information out to more people. So thank you for listening and let's get on with the show.

Patty 1:48

Hey everyone. Welcome back to the PG spot. I'm your host, Dr. Patty Jalomo, and my goal is to open up the conversation around sex, intimacy and everything in between. Today we're getting into a topic that everyone can relate to at some point, how to keep your sex life spicy. No matter how long you've been together. Keeping your sex life vibrant takes intention. It's normal for a desire to ebb and flow, especially with the demands of work, stress, parenting, and simply being human. But maintaining intimacy isn't about recreating the intensity of early infatuation, It's about nurturing connection, curiosity, and pleasure. As you both evolve, whether you've been together for two years or 20, with a little intention and curiosity, you can absolutely reignite that spark. I'll be walking you through 10 powerful ways to keep your sex life spicy, grounded in real life experience, communication, and care for both your body and your relationship. So grab your coffee, your partner, or just a cozy spot, and let's get into it. Before we dive into the tips, let's talk about why this even matters. a satisfying sex life isn't just about pleasure, it's about connection, confidence, and emotional health. But life gets busy between work, stress kids, and the never ending to-do list Desire can easily take a backseat. A large US study of over 38,000 couples in relationships of at least three years found that about 55% of women and 43% of men reported being sexually satisfied in their current long-term relationship, down from about 83% of both sexists during their first six months together. The truth is great sex doesn't just happen. It's cultivated kind of like a garden. You tend to it, water it, give it sunlight, and it keeps growing, neglect it, and things start to wilt. So these 10 tips are really about nourishing your connection emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. So number one, prioritize emotional intimacy. It all starts here. Emotional intimacy is the foundation of sexual connection and the heartbeat of a satisfying sex life. When partners feel emotionally safe, seen and valued, Desire naturally follows. Research consistently shows that couples who maintain emotional closeness report higher sexual satisfaction. Foreplay starts outside of the bedroom, and passion grows where emotional safety lives. It's that deep sense of safety, closeness, and connection that makes you feel known, accepted, and loved for who you truly are. But it doesn't just happen because you share a bed or a mortgage. It's something you create intentionally in small everyday moments. So what does emotional intensity look like? Well, you can start by making emotional check-ins a habit. set aside a few minutes each day or even once a week to ask how each other is really doing. You could ask questions like, how are you feeling about us lately? What's been on your mind this week? Or is there something you need more of from me? When you check in regularly, you stay connected before distance or resentment starts to grow. It's also important to practice vulnerability and show appreciation for your partner as often as possible. Real closeness happens when we share our lust, polished sides, our fears, insecurities, our doubts. Being vulnerable builds trust, so it's important to be able to share what you're experiencing and feeling openly. Saying something like, I miss feeling close to you, or I've been feeling a little disconnected, can actually pull you closer. And when your partner shares something vulnerable, try to listen without jumping in with advice. Reflect back what you hear, like I can see why you'd feel that way. Thank you for sharing that with me. Feeling heard is incredibly sexy. It builds emotional safety and trust. Research shows that couples who regularly express vulnerability and appreciation report higher relationship satisfaction and more frequent sex. A simple thank you, or I love how you handled that can change the tone of a relationship. Gratitude is emotional super glue. Try sharing one specific appreciation each day. It shifts the focus from what's wrong to what's right. Additionally, creating little rituals for connection, like a morning hug or evening walk can give you a relationship, stability and predictability. These rituals remind your nervous system that you're safe with each other, and I can't emphasize it enough. Safety is essential for passion to grow. Emotional closeness is the foundation of lasting sexual connection. Physical affection, like hugs, handholding, and cuddling outside the bedroom reinforces trust and connection. Those little touches or quick check-ins, start the pot simmering, which makes it easier and faster to get to a boil. So before trying to reignite sexual fire, start by tending the emotional embers. Number two, communicate openly about desire. This one's big. Open Communication about sex can feel uncomfortable, but it's essential. You can't fix or fuel what you can't talk about. Many people assume their partner should just know what they want, but the truth is sexual needs and preferences shift over time. Research shows that it's not just how often couples have sex, but how well they talk about it. That leads to sexual satisfaction in a relationship. One large meta-analysis found that the better the sexual communication quality, the higher the sexual satisfaction and the relationship satisfaction. In other words, talking openly and doing it well is a major predictor of how fulfilled you'll both feel in sex and your relationship. So try setting aside time for a sexual check-in. Talk about what feels good, what you'd like to try and what might be missing. Being able to say, here's what I like, or Here's something I'd like to try without shame or judgment is key. A helpful approach is to use the yes no maybe framework where each partner lists activities that they're interested in, not interested in, and are open to exploring. Comparing notes can be a simple way to spark honest judgment-free conversations about pleasure and boundaries without pressure. Talking about sex doesn't kill the mood. It builds confidence, clarity, and connection. Couples who talk about sex frequently have more frequent sex, and couples who communicate their desires have better sex. Remember, if you can talk openly about sex, you're already halfway to having great sex. Number three, schedule sex spontaneity is wonderful, but in real life it's often unrealistic between careers, kids, and responsibilities. Waiting for that perfect moment can mean that sex rarely happens. When life gets busy, intimacy often falls to the bottom of the list. Research backs this up. For example, a survey of 1022 couples found that 36% of couples scheduled sex, and among them couples were 45% more likely to rate intimacy satisfaction as excellent compared to couples who didn't schedule scheduling. Intimacy isn't unromantic. It's intentional. Think of it as setting aside sacred time to reconnect. Knowing you've carved out space for pleasure creates anticipation. It could be as simple as a Friday date night or Sunday morning, slow start, Whether it's sex, central touch or naked cuddling, prioritizing it ensures that intimacy doesn't fall to the bottom of your to-do list. And you could still be playful, send a flirty text, drop hint, or even use code words on the calendar. Anticipation can be just as exciting as spontaneity. Here are a few suggestions on how to make this work. So pick a day, maybe Friday evening, maybe Sunday morning, whatever works for both of you. Calendar it. Yes, I mean, literally put it on your phone or shared calendar and keep it playful. Use a flirty reminder rather than sex at 7:00 PM maybe say date night or US time, And know the purpose. The goal isn't, we must have sex every time, but it's more about creating reliable connection, use anticipation leading up to it, send a text, hint at something fun. This helps shift the mindset from, I have to, to I get to and be flexible. You know, if something comes up, reschedule, rather than just completely canceling. The scheduling is about commitment to connection, not pressure to perform. Remember when life is busy, intimacy often drops by accident. Scheduling becomes an intentional way to keep it alive, but it's important for both partners to buy in. If one partner resents it, it can backfire. Scheduling it is a tool, not a mandate. So frame it as quality time, not bedroom duty. This mindset shift helps and be prepared to adjust this over time, What you schedule now may need tweaking later. Revisit and recalibrate often, which ties back into the earlier tip about communication. Number four, explore sensuality, not just sexuality. Here's where many couples find new magic. Sensuality is about engaging the senses, touch, taste, smell, sound, sight, not just sexual acts. Sexual touch tends to be goal-oriented, whereas sensual or affectionate touch is about connection, comfort, and presence. From birth, humans rely on touch to regulate emotions, promote bonding, and even stimulate physiological growth. Without it, both physical and emotional health can suffer skin hunger, also called touch hunger, or touch deprivation refers to this innate human need for physical touch and closeness. The term skin hunger was popularized by Dr. Tiffany Field, founder of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami, and has been explored by psychologists, sexologists and attachment theorists alike field defines it as a craving for physical contact for being held, touched, or hugged. That arises when our basic need for tactile stimulation is not met. In the context of couples skin hunger often becomes confused with sexual desire, but they're not the same well-known sex and relationship therapist, Esther Perel emphasizes that touch nourishes both the secure and the erotic parts of intimacy. In her book, mating in Captivity, she says. We touch not only to arouse, but to reassure the quality of our touch, tells our partners how we feel about them. Furthermore, when partners neglect non-sexual touch, they may unconsciously start to associate all touch with sexual expectation, which can actually reduce desire, especially for the lower desire partner. Cultivating sensual non-sexual touch helps rebuild safety and closeness, satisfying skin hunger without pressure. Sometimes this might lead to sex, but the key is to not expect that it will and to be okay with it if it doesn't. This takes pressure off of both partners. So what does this actually look like? Here are some ways that couples can practice sensual touch. try creating intentional touch rituals such as a daily hug for 20 seconds, or handholding during conversations. Sit close while watching tv. Give back rubs or scalp massages. Focus on the sensation and emotional connection rather than the outcome. Explore textures, sense and sensations that awaken your body. When you focus on the experience instead of the end goal, you open up a whole new world of connection. Sometimes slowing down is the sexiest thing that you could do. A fulfilling sex life isn't only about intercourse, penetration, or ending with orgasm. It's about engaging the senses and deepening physical awareness. Sensuality is the art of being present in your body and your partner's energy. When you expand your definition of intimacy, you open more pathways to connection. Number five, embrace novelty together. Novelty is a natural aphrodisiac. The brain loves new experiences because they boost dopamine and excitement. Routine can be comforting, but too much predictability can dampen desire because our brains crave novelty and surprise. Esther Perel explains that sexual arousal and desire, especially in long-term relationships, need variety, novelty, excitement, and distance. We want that comfort of stability and the thrill of the unknown. That tension between predictability versus novelty is central to erotic life If everything becomes predictable, familiar, or routine, then desire can decline. Now, this doesn't have to mean something extreme exploring novelty could be something as simple as trying a new position or a different setting, introducing a new scent or playlist, or trying something playful, like mutual massage or role reversal. The key is to explore together. When partners do something novel together, the shared experience of exploration builds connection, emotional arousal, and by extension, physical and central arousal too. When you both try something new, you share vulnerability and excitement to ingredients that reignite chemistry. It's important to remember that not all new things are going to increase connection. If the novelty feels unsafe, forced, or misaligned with one's desires or values, it could backfire and increase anxiety or create disconnect. It's easy to assume that novelty means wild or uncomfortable extremes, but for many couples, the novelty that works is moderate, emotionally safe and agreed upon. Good communication about boundaries, comfort and consent remains critical. Novelty shouldn't equal pressure or anxiety, otherwise, it undermines intimacy. You and your partner could sit together and brainstorm central experiences that you've never done or seldom do, Such as a slow, full body massage with oils, blindfolded touch, exploration, exploring temperature, play like warm, cool surfaces, or sensory deprivation or heightening, such as soft music silence or a mirrored space. You could ask, what's something you've never asked me about my body that you'd like to explore? Or, what's a sense, like a smell, a taste, a touch that we haven't used much together that you'd like to try? This invites novelty in knowing your partner anew rather than just new positions. Try to choose one thing each week to explore while doing so. Emphasize sensation rather than performance. The point is exploration, presence, connection. Another suggestion is to take something habitual, like dinner in a movie and tweak it, maybe have dinner in the car, or watch a film on the rooftop. Or book a hotel room for the night. The environment shift in itself can trigger novelty in sensual or sexual life. Try to shift the initiation script. If one person usually initiates, take turns with that. Try to put some thought into how you might do that. Try a surprise invitation or send a sexual text midday to signal intention. The goal isn't to shock each other, it's just to discover each other again. So approach it with curiosity, not pressure. Number six, practice mindful sex. Mindful sex is about being fully present, not worrying about your body. The to-do list or performance presence is more powerful than perfection. Focus on sensations, warmth, texture, breath, sound. Notice how your body feels moment to moment. Mindfulness also means slowing down. When you take the pressure off orgasm as a goal, you can create space for genuine pleasure, intimacy, and connection over time. This practice can heighten arousal and deepen satisfaction. So often we're in our heads thinking about body image performance or tomorrow's to-do list. Mindful sex invites you to slow down, notice sensations, breathe deeply and truly feel your partner. It's amazing how much deeper connection can go when you're fully present. If you are new to mindfulness, start outside the bedroom. Practicing mindfulness outside the bedroom can profoundly enhance intimacy and pleasure inside the bedroom because it trains your brain and the body to be present attuned and responsive. The very qualities that fuel deep sensuality and connection. As sex therapist, Dr. Lori Brodo puts it, mindfulness helps people reconnect with their bodies, their sensations, and their partners, and that connection is the foundation of sexual desire and pleasure. In clinical trials, women with sexual desire and arousal difficulties who completed mindfulness-based therapy actually reported significant improvements in desire, arousal, and overall satisfaction. here are some specific ways to practice mindfulness day to day that can naturally carry over into intimacy. Uh, number one, mindful breathing practice. Spend five minutes noticing your breath without changing it. feel air enter and leave your nostrils, your chest and belly expand and release. This calms the nervous system and increases tolerance for stillness and arousal during sex. It allows you to stay present instead of tensing or rushing. Number two, sensory mindfulness. Choose one daily activity like showering, drinking coffee, walking outside, and immerse in it with all of your senses. Notice textures, smells, temperatures, and sounds. This builds the skill of paying attention to sensory details, which enhances sensuality. Sex is a multisensory experience, So training your brain to notice subtle sensations increases pleasure. Number three, body scan meditation lying down. Move your awareness slowly through each part of your body, from your toes to your head. Noticing sensations without judgment. This increases embodiment and comfort with your own body, which translates into confidence and attunement during sex. According to a 26 study, vibrato, mindfulness, body scans, increased genital and overall sexual arousal awareness. Number four, practice mindful non-sexual touch Hold hands, give a hug or stroke your partner's arm while focusing fully on the warmth, pressure, and emotional connection. Don't aim for arousal, just awareness. This reduces goal-oriented touch and strengthens the association between physical contact and emotional safety. a foundation for sensual intimacy. Number five, mindful eating or movement. Eat one meal without screens or distractions. Notice flavors, textures, how your body feels as you eat. Similarly, practice yoga, stretching, or walking with attention to each movement. This heightens sensory appreciation and embodiment, which are skills that enhance presence and responsiveness during intimacy. And number six, practice mindful communication. When talking with your partner, listen fully, notice tone, emotion, and pauses. Resist planning your next response. This improves emotional intimacy, empathy, and attunement, all of which increase trust and openness in sexual communic. Essentially mindfulness outside the bedroom strengthens the muscle of presence so that when you're in a sexual or sensual moment, you can fully inhabit it instead of thinking about performance outcomes or self-conscious fears. Number seven, take care of body and mind. Sexual function is a whole body process. It relies on healthy blood flow, nerve function, hormonal balance, body image, and emotional wellbeing, all of which are affected by physical activity and stress levels. if you're exhausted or anxious, your body isn't in the mood to connect. It's in survival mode. So prioritize movement, nutrition, hydration, and sleep. Exercise increases cardiovascular health, improving blood circulation to the genitals. Now, in women, this means better clitoral, engorgement, and lubrication while in men, it supports stronger erectile function by improving vascular health. A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that regular aerobic exercise improved genital arousal responses in women and erectile function in men, largely due to enhanced endothelial or blood vessel health. Regular movement also helps regulate hormones that drive sexual function. For example, testosterone, which is important for libido in all genders, tends to increase with regular strength and interval training, endorphins and dopamine. The pleasure chemicals rise with exercise boosting mood and sexual motivation. Exercise also reduces cortisol, which is the stress hormone that suppresses sexual desire and arousal. People who exercise regularly tend to have a more positive body image, and studies show that this body appreciation correlates with higher sexual desire and comfort with intimacy. Sex educator and therapist Emily Naski, author of Come As You Are Notes, your Brain is your biggest sex organ. When you feel strong, capable, and comfortable in your body, your brain interprets that as safety and readiness for pleasure. managing stress through meditation, journaling, or therapy also supports desire and emotional openness. Chronic stress floods the body with cortisol and adrenaline hormones that prepare you for survival, not for pleasure. Stress activates the sympathetic nervous system or that fight or flight, while sexual arousal requires activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, which is that rest and digest system. When stress is high, your body literally can't shift into arousal mode as sex researcher Dr. Lori Barato explains chronic stress tells your body, This is not a safe time to reproduce or connect. High cortisol levels also suppress estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone, which are all key to libido and arousal. Managing stress also prevents irritability and emotional withdrawal. Two common barriers to intimacy. When you move your body and manage stress effectively, you're essentially priming your system for desire, arousal, and satisfaction. So take care of yourself as a sexual being, move your body, eat well, rest and practice. Self-compassion. A turned on life starts with a tuned in body. Number eight, address sexual pain or dysfunction early. So this one's really important. If sex hurts or feels off, don't just push through it. Pain during sex is common, but it's never normal. Discomfort can result from vaginal infections or emotional tension. Ignoring pain can lead to avoidance and anxiety around intimacy. This can further result in tight pelvic floor muscles that often make penetration impossible. If you experience discomfort, speak with a qualified provider. Treatments might include lubricants, vaginal moisturizers, pelvic floor therapy, or localized estrogen therapy for postmenopausal changes. Vaginal estrogen is low dose, local, and safe for virtually everyone. It really is something that every vulva owner should use as they approach midlife. The tissues in the vagina, urethra, and bladder are very dependent on estrogen, and when this is lacking, those tissues become thin, dry, and lose that elasticity that is normally present. Lack of estrogen can also occur during breastfeeding or after being on oral contraceptive, so It is really not just a problem reserved for menopause. It is also important to keep in mind that it takes time for the physical signs of arousal to present. For most vulva owners, it takes an average of 15 to 20 minutes of stimulation to increase blood flow to the genitals, which results in lengthening of the vagina, engorgement of the vulva and vaginal lubrication. Remember, a vagina doesn't know the difference between a tampon or a penis, so it takes some time to get there. Pain, dryness, erectile changes or low desire can all have physical causes and they're often very treatable. Addressing pain, early restores. Confidence increases enjoyment and prevents emotional distance that often follows untreated sexual pain. For men, erectile dysfunction can be an early warning sign for a more serious cardiovascular issue, so address this with a healthcare provider sooner rather than later. Number nine, redefine what sex meets. Cultural messages often frame sex narrowly as penetration focused and goal oriented. It's time to broaden that definition. Sex isn't just about penetration. It's about pleasure, connection, and exploration. I hate the word foreplay because it insinuates that penetration is the main act when in fact penetration doesn't even need to happen. To have a satisfying sexual experience, real intimacy can take many forms. Mutual touch, oral pleasure, erotic conversation, showering together, or simply cuddling and kissing. when we limit sex to the act of penetration that ends in orgasm, it's a very narrow box, and that puts unnecessary pressure on everyone involved. This limited definition of sex is more commonly seen in heterosexual relationships. In a 2010 nationally representative study of nearly 6,000 people, researcher Debbie Heric, found that when asked about their sexual scripts, only 10 to 15% of heterosexual couples did not include penetration. Whereas that number was nearly 65% for gay and bisexual men. Other behaviors included in sex scripts of gay or bisexual men included oral sex, kissing. Sensual touch and mutual masturbation speaking as such to these broader sex scripts and how these behaviors were put together. Men's sexual repertoires were diverse with gay identified men reporting a total of 1,308 unique combinations of behaviors and bisexual identified men reporting a total of 617 combinations During their most recent male partnered sexual event, The number of behaviors varied with most events, including between five and nine different sexual behaviors, while for men identifying as heterosexual, the number of behaviors were typically one to two en route to penis and vagina sex. As I mentioned in number one, foreplay starts outside the bedroom by keeping foreplay outside of the bedroom. Sex or intimacy is expanded to include all of those other delicious activities. Redefining sex expands what counts as intimacy, making connection possible even when energy, health or hormones fluctuate. When partners see pleasure as a shared experience rather than a checklist, intimacy becomes more relaxed, creative, and fulfilling. So consider this. If it's intimate, consentual, and brings you closer, then that's sex. And number 10, keep curiosity alive. Sexual connection evolves. Staying curious, keeps it vibrant. Curiosity is the heartbeat of a long-term sexual connection. Stay curious about your partner, not just what turns'em on, but who they're becoming. Ask questions to keep learning about pleasure, anatomy, and emotional connection. Curiosity keeps sex dynamic and prevents it from feeling routine or obligatory. Get curious about exploring each other's fantasies, boundaries and desires. Learning about fantasies is a great way to understand our core erotic desires. These are the themes that fuel our erotic imagination. Core erotic desires are the deep recurring patterns of fantasy, touch, emotion, and relational play that excite and stimulate each partner exploring these desires together through conversation, playful experimentation or sensory exploration keeps relationships vibrant and intimate. As Esther Perel observes desire, thrives on curiosity, novelty, and the dance between closeness and distance. Couples who share and honor their erotic desires cultivate, trust, deepen connection, and create a private erotic world that keeps the relationship interesting over the long term. Knowing your core erotic desire helps to understand why certain fantasies or situations arouse you and how to create that in real life. Fantasies are also a great way to safely explore something that you may not actually want to do in real life, like a threesome or group sex or being dominated. Being curious about sexual fantasies also means not shaming ourselves or our partners. Remember that it's just fantasy and it doesn't mean that we want to play this out in real life. And there's nothing right or wrong about anyone's fantasy. So talk about what fantasies you have in your spank bank. Desire thrives on discovery. So keep learning, keep experimenting, and keep talking. A great way to get this conversation started is the yes no, maybe list. Now I mentioned the yes no maybe scenario earlier. Um, but the list is where each partner fills it out and then you share it together. Who knows? There might be something on there that you never thought your partner would be into. I have a complete yes no maybe list on my website at doctorpattyj.com and I will also link a more simpler vanilla list, in my show notes. Keeping your mindset open, playful, and kind will help keep desire alive no matter how many years you've shared. So let's recap the 10 ways to keep your Sex life spicy. Prioritize emotional intimacy, communicate openly about desire. Schedule sex. Explore sensuality, embrace novelty, practice mindful sex, take care of body and mind address pain or dysfunction early. Redefine what sex means. And keep curiosity alive. Remember, keeping the spark alive isn't about doing more. It's about being more intentional. When you nurture emotional connection, create safety for communication, and approach intimacy with curiosity instead of pressure, passion naturally follows. So thanks so much for tuning into the PG spot. My hope is that this episode provided some ideas for you to spice up your sex life for the long term. Remember, great sex isn't about constant fireworks. It's about warmth, connection, and playfulness that lasts a lifetime. So until next time, stay curious, stay empowered, and stay you.

34:29

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening, and be sure to rate and review the podcast on whatever platform you're listening from and share it with your friends. That's a great way to help reach new listeners and make this a more sex positive world. Also, I'd love your feedback and questions, so send me a message. It's at email@doctorpattyj.com, and that's doctor spelled out, D-O-C-T-O-R-P-A-T-T-Y j.com. Until next time, stay curious, stay empowered, and stay you.