The PGspot - Five Ways We Sabotage Intimacy

Intimacy doesn’t usually fall apart overnight, it fades in the small, everyday ways we show up (or don’t) in our relationships. In this episode, we’re breaking down five common ways we unintentionally sabotage intimacy and what we can start doing differently.

From letting flirting and playfulness disappear, to expecting sex to “just happen,” to avoiding the conversations that actually bring us closer…these patterns are more common than you think. And the truth is, most of us were never taught how to nurture intimacy in a sustainable, connected way.

We’ll also talk about why focusing on performance over connection can backfire, how unspoken resentment quietly erodes desire, and why communication is one of the most powerful (and underused) tools in our relationships.

If you’ve ever felt disconnected, stuck in routine, or unsure how to reconnect with your partner, this episode is for you.

Because awareness is the first step…but action is what creates change.

If you want to learn more about sexual health, sexual dysfunction, or how to improve your sex life, follow me on Instagram at @thepgspot or check out my website at doctorpattyj.com for blogs and resources related to sex positivity and real talk about sexuality.  As as always, stay curious, stay empowered, and stay you.

Transcript

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Welcome to the PG spot where our goal is to take the X outta sex by breaking down the barriers that prevent open communication about sexual health. I'm Dr. Patty Jalomo. A dual certified nurse practitioner, pelvic floor therapist, and certified sexual counselor. I'm here to provide expert insights, debunk myths, and empower you to embrace your sexual wellbeing. Whether you're looking for answers or simply curious, join us as we open up the conversation around sex, intimacy and everything in between. I want to take this opportunity to acknowledge that some content may not be appropriate for all listeners. I'm a huge proponent of honest and accurate information regarding sexuality, but I'm also mindful that this should be age appropriate. Therefore, if you are under 18, this may not be the podcast. For you. Additionally, some of the language used in this podcast may be offensive to some listeners. Please take these things into consideration before going forward with your consensual participation in this podcast. The opinions expressed by myself or my guests are just that, and these opinions are neither expected nor required to be shared by all listeners. The information that is provided is for educational and entertainment purposes only, and should not be mistaken for individual medical advice. If you would like to schedule a virtual visit for individual or couples sexual counseling or menopause management, you can contact me via my website@thepgspot.com. Thanks for listening, and let's get on with the show. Hey everyone. Welcome to the PG spot. I'm your host, Dr. Patty Jalomo. Wow, I can't believe it's already been a year since the podcast was started. Um, I just wanna say how much I appreciate all my listeners and I'm really looking forward to bringing you more education regarding sex and intimacy in the future. I am hoping to tweak the format a bit, to have more guests or co-hosts on this next year. So bear with me. But for today, let's get into a topic that's super familiar in my practice. I wanna start with a question specifically for those of you who are in a long-term relationship. Have you ever looked at your relationship and thought, what happened to our sex life? Like you love and care about your partner, but the spark just isn't what it used to be. And it's confusing because nothing is necessarily wrong, but something definitely feels off. But here's the truth. Most people aren't struggling because they're incompatible or they no longer love each other. They're struggling because of patterns that slowly erode intimacy over time. These patterns are usually very subtle, maybe even unconscious behaviors. So in today's episode, we're talking about five ways that people unintentionally sabotage their sexual relationships And what you can do differently, because once you see these patterns, you can start to change them. So let's start with something that sounds simple, but is actually one of the biggest drivers of long-term attraction. And that is we simply stop flirting at the beginning of a relationship. Flirting happens naturally. You're curious about each other. You're paying attention to what each other likes. There's that anticipation, playfulness, energy. You're not just with each other, but you're engaging with each. And then over time something shifts, life gets busy, responsibilities pile up. Maybe it's work, kids dealing with family. Eventually the relationship slowly moves from a romantic connection into more of a functional partnership. You're running a household, managing schedules, solving problems, and while that kind of stability is important, it comes at a cost if it completely replaces playfulness. This is where Esther Perel's work is so powerful. She talks about how love and desire are not always driven by the same things. Love is about closeness, safety, and security, but desire, desire thrives on novelty, mystery, And a bit of psychological distance in her book, Mating in Captivity, she writes about this tension, how the very things that make us feel secure in a relationship can also dampen erotic energy. One of her most well-known ideas is that fire needs air. In other words, when everything becomes predictable and familiar, attraction can start to fade. And it's not because you don't love each other, but because there's no space for excitement. She also emphasizes that desire is often fueled by seeing your partner as a separate autonomous person, not just someone who shares your daily routine. And that's exactly what flirting does. Flirting creates a moment of otherness. It reintroduces curiosity, it reminds you, oh yeah, this person isn't just my co-parent or my roommate, this is someone I'm attracted to. Research also supports the importance of affectionate and playful touch in relationships. Physical touch has been shown to strengthen emotional connection and bonding. So when couples stop flirting, it's not just about losing something superficial, they're losing that anticipation, playfulness and emotional signaling of attraction. And over time, that directly impacts desire. So what does this look like in real life? It is subtle and can be small things like not making eye contact the way you used to, not complimenting each other anymore, only touching when it's functional, not affectionate, and having conversations that are purely logistical. Slowly, the relationship starts to feel flat. So what's the shift? The good news is that it's not about grand gestures, but rather small, intentional moments of connection. Some examples might be sending a flirtatious text in the middle of the day, giving your partner a genuine compliment or making a playful comment and initiating touch that isn't leading to sex, but that builds connection. Because the bottom line is that attraction doesn't disappear all at once. It fades in the absence of attention, and it can come back in the same way. So moving on to number two, believing that sex should just spontaneously happen. This idea is everywhere. I hear it every day from women who come into the office or that I counsel virtually. The idea that you have decreased libido just because you aren't always actively looking for sex or constantly thinking about it, or that if your relationship is healthy, you should just feel in the mood and it should naturally lead to sex. But this belief is actually based on an older model of sexual response that doesn't reflect how many people experience desire, especially in long-term relationships. So let's break this down a bit. Back in the 1960s, researchers, William Masters and Virginia Johnson introduced what's known as the linear model of sexual response. This idea was that the sexual experience follows a predictable sequence, desire, arousal, orgasm resolution. So according to this model, you first feel desire, then your body becomes aroused. Then orgasm and then resolution. And for some people, that absolutely fits. But here's the issue. This model also assumes that desire comes first for many people, especially women, but also plenty of men in long-term relationships. That's just not how it works. So if you're sitting there waiting to feel desire before anything starts, you might be waiting for a long time. So that's where a newer model comes in. researcher, Rosemary Basson, proposed a different way of understanding desire, often called the circular model of sexual response instead of desire being the starting point. Basson's model suggests that people may begin with neutrality, not necessarily feeling like they're in the mood, but just open to connection. And then something shifts, emotional, closeness, touch, or intentional intimacy, and that leads to arousal. And only after arousal begins does desire actually emerge. So it looks more like a circle where you have emotional intimacy, arousal, desire, satisfaction, and ECT to emotional intimacy. Notice how different that is. Desire isn't the starting point, but it's part of the process. And this is often referred to as responsive desire, which means you don't wait to fill desire, you allow desire to develop through connection. So when couples don't understand this, it can create a lot of unnecessary stress. One partner might think, what's wrong with me? I never feel in the mood, and the other might think, well, why don't they want me anymore? When in reality it's not about rejection, it's about misunderstanding how desire works. I've also heard it said in a different way where one partner may need that emotional connection first before sex, where another person needs sex to feel that emotional connection. So regardless, the takeaway is this. If you're expecting sex to always be spontaneous, you're relying on a model that doesn't fit most long-term relationships. Instead, Think of intimacy as something that you initiate, not something that you wait for. this might mean things like setting aside intentional time together, starting with touch, without expectation, or focusing on connection, not performance. For many people, desire doesn't show up at the beginning, but it's created along the way. Next up number three, and that's over focusing on technique instead of connection. Now, this is something that a lot of people don't even realize they're doing. This is about getting out of your head and into your body. When you're in your head worrying about things like how you look, how you sound, are you doing something right? Is your partner enjoying it? Are you taking too long? And on and on. You can't focus on your pleasure. while these thoughts may seem harmless, they can easily pull you out of the experience. Instead of being present, you are observing yourself from the outside. We call this spectator and it does nothing but create unnecessary pressure. I realize a lot of this comes from unrealistic expectations. Things people absorb from media comparison or even past experiences can significantly impact the connection with your partner. Sex becomes something that you perform instead of something that you experience. This is where mindfulness comes in. Research by Lori Brotto, who wrote the book, better Sex Through Mindfulness shows that mindfulness can significantly improve sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction. Mindfulness at its core is really simple. It's the ability to be fully present in the moment without judgment. So instead of thinking, am I doing this right? Try to be tuned into what you and your partner are feeling. Consider all of the sensations, the connection, and the moment itself. Brotto's research has shown that when people practice mindfulness, they experience less sexual anxiety, improved arousal and greater overall satisfaction. This is because they're no longer stuck in their head and they're actually in their body, and we all know that anxiety and arousal don't work well together. If your brain is in evaluation mode, your body has a much harder time relaxing into pleasure. So when people focus too much on technique, they're often unintentionally shutting down the very thing that they're trying to improve. So what does shifting into presence actually look like? It's not complicated, but it does take intention. Some things that you could try include slowing down, notice you and your partner's breathing, or try to sink your breath together. Also focus on paying attention to physical sensations, sounds, sights, smells, anything that will bring you back into the moment. If your mind starts to wander, gently bring your attention back to these sensations, and most importantly, let go of the idea that there's a right way to do things. Great sex isn't about perfection. It's about connection and responsiveness. It's about being with your partner and not performing for them. So if you notice yourself getting stuck in your head during intimacy, know that that's not a failure. It's just a cue to come back into the moment. Also, try to practice mindfulness outside of the bedroom, like when you're taking a walk or in the shower. The more you can practice in these situations, the easier it will be to incorporate mindfulness into intimacy. now. The next thing that we're going to discuss is possibly what I might consider the most important, and that is avoiding communication about sex. This truly is one of the biggest and quietest ways people sabotage their sexual relationships. On the surface, everything might look fine, but underneath there are unmet needs, unspoken preferences and assumptions that never get clarified. There are a lot of misconceptions and even stories that people tell themselves when they're in a relationship. Things such as, if my partner loves me, they should just know what I want or My partner's been with more people than I have, so they should know what to do. People may avoid communication because they don't wanna hurt their partner's feelings, or they simply feel that it's just too awkward to talk about. So instead of communicating, they stay silent. And here's the problem with that. Silence doesn't protect your relationship. It creates distance. Research consistently shows that couples who communicate openly about sex report higher levels of sexual satisfaction and overall relationship satisfaction. For example, research by Justin Leimiller who wrote, Tell Me What You Want. Found that people often have rich intersexual worlds, but rarely share them with their partners. And that gap between what we want and what we express can lead to disconnection over time. At the same time, Emily Nagoski author of Come As You Are, talks about how context and communication are essential for sexual wellbeing. She emphasizes that it's not just about what you do physically, it's about whether you feel safe, understood, and able to be open without judgment, and you can't create that kind of environment without communication. There's also research on something called responsiveness, which is the ability to understand and respond to your partner's needs. Responsiveness is strongly linked to both emotional and sexual satisfaction, but here's the catch. You can't respond to something that's never been said. So when couples avoid these conversations, what tends to happen is that one partner feels unseen or unsatisfied, and the other partner has no idea that anything is wrong. And over time, that turns into frustration or even resentment. So how do couples get out of this rut of miscommunication? Well, it doesn't have to be a big, serious sit down conversation. In fact, it's often better if it's not. It can really start small, like telling your partner what you liked or that you feel really connected to them. When you both slow things down, the tone should be one of curiosity, not criticism. The goal isn't to start pointing out what's wrong, but to create a space where both people feel safe. Being honest. One of the most important shifts is moving from expectation to expression. Remember, unspoken expectations often turn into silent disappointments, but clear kind communication creates connection, and connection is what makes everything else work. Okay, finally, number five. The last important cause of sabotage in a sexual relationship is letting resentment and emotional disconnection build. What's happening outside the bedroom is often what determines what happens inside the bedroom. If someone is feeling unappreciated, criticized, emotionally distant, or overwhelmed, their body's not gonna easily move into desire. This is where emotional connection becomes essential. Research consistently shows that emotional intimacy is strongly linked to sexual desire and satisfaction, particularly in long-term relationships. One of the most helpful ways to understand this is through attachment theory. Attachment theory originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, looks at how we form emotional bonds and how safe we feel in close relationships. In adult relationships, attachment often shows up in a few patterns. Secure attachment, Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. These patterns can have a direct impact on intimacy and desire. For example, someone with an anxious attachment may crave closeness and use sex as a way to feel reassured or connected. While someone with avoidant attachment may pull away from emotional closeness, which can also reduce desire or interest in intimacy. It is important to know which attachment style both you and your partner resonate with, so that you can work towards helping each other feel emotionally safe. This is something that Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, talks about extensively. She emphasizes that emotional safety is a prerequisite for deep intimacy. In other words, if you don't feel emotionally secure, it's very hard to feel sexually open. And this is where resentment comes in because when issues go unaddressed, whether it's conflict imbalance, or even feeling unseen, these emotions don't just disappear. They build over time and can lead to emotional withdrawal, reduced desire, or feeling like sex is an obligation instead of a connection. And no one likes booty duty. So when couples complain that they don't have a sex life anymore, what they may actually be expressing is that they don't feel connected anymore. so if that is a situation, how can it be resolved? I, I always recommend a couples that instead of trying to fix the sexual symptoms directly, try to focus on the emotional foundation. This would mean repairing conflict instead of avoiding it, expressing appreciation more consistently, creating space for honest emotional conversations and being responsive to each other's needs. When the emotional connection improves. Desire often follows maybe not instantly or perfectly, but naturally, and this is really the bigger message of everything that we've talked about today. Sexual connection isn't just physical. It's emotional, it's psychological, and it's relational. So if something feels off, the most unhelpful thing to do is blame your partner or yourself. Instead, try to get curious about what might be happening underneath, because real change happens when we can address those deeper layers. So let's recap the five ways that we sabotage our sexual relationships. One, we stop flirting and courting. Two, we expect sex to be spontaneous. Three, we focus on technique instead of connection. Four, we avoid talking about sex. And five, we let resentment build. If you see yourself in any of these, which ones stood out to you the most? Because that's probably the place to start. Not all five at once. Just one small shift. Because here's the thing, great sexual relationships don't just happen. They're created. They require intention, curiosity, and sometimes a little bit of courage to do things differently. And the good news is none of these patterns are permanent. Their habits and habits can change. You can bring back playfulness, you can learn to communicate, and you can rebuild connection even if it's been a while. So this week I want to challenge you choose one of these areas and take a small, intentional step. Maybe it's sending a flirty text, maybe it's starting an honest conversation. Maybe it's letting go of the idea that everything has to be perfect because change doesn't come from waiting. It comes from action. And the more awareness you have, the more power you have to create the kind of relationship and the kind of intimacy that you actually want. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening, and be sure to rate and review the podcast on whatever platform you're listening from and share it with your friends. That's a great way to help reach new listeners and make this a more sex positive world. Until next time, stay curious, stay empowered, and stay you.