Riley Whelan | From Alcohol & Marijuana Addiction to Sober Living, AA Recovery, & ADHD Healing

In this raw addiction recovery story, Riley Whalen shares her journey through ADHD, alcoholism, marijuana dependency, and academic failure. From a cross-country escape to multiple rehab stints, Riley opens up about how sober living, 12-step programs, and deep personal work helped her reclaim her life—and become a recovery advocate to over 100,000 followers.

Explore mental health and addiction treatment options: https://recovery.com

Connect with Riley: https://www.tiktok.com/@riwhey_orthehighway, https://www.instagram.com/riwhey_orthehighway/

00:00 Introduction and Personal Reflections
00:21 Welcome to Recovery Cast
02:32 Riley's Early Experiences with Alcohol and Marijuana
09:43 High School Struggles and Family Dynamics
14:22 The Turning Point: Realizing the Need for Help
17:01 The California Journey and Return Home
22:40 First Steps Towards Recovery
27:06 Realizing Alcoholism
27:25 Connecting with Others in Treatment
27:39 The Power of Shared Experiences
28:47 Recovery.com Sponsorship
29:41 Processing Emotions in Treatment
31:18 Defining Alcoholism
35:05 Facing Fears in Treatment
37:15 Transitioning to Sober Living
43:03 Relapse and Recovery
50:40 Life in Recovery
55:09 Advice for Those in Fear
55:54 Conclusion and Social Media

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Those things really isolated me too, like just from the world in general. I thought I was uniquely I thought I was unique, like in all uniquely broken. Uniquely broken, uniquely ill. Um, and it just turns out I was an alcoholic. And it's okay.

SPEAKER_04 0:20

Welcome to Recovery Cast, where we share authentic stories from influential voices about the joys of life in mental health and addiction recovery and the journeys that led us here. I'm Brittany Bainard, and today Tom Farley and I are joined by Riley Whalen, a bold, hilarious, and deeply honest voice in the world of recovery. Based in Charleston, South Carolina, Riley is a TikTok creator and sober advocate who uses her platform to share the raw reality of ADHD, addiction, relapse, and healing. Her journey has taken her from academic collapse and cross-country chaos to two rounds of treatment and lasting recovery. With over 100,000 followers, Riley's storytelling blends truth, humor, and hope. She's here to remind us that recovery is messy, beautiful, and absolutely worth it. And that none of us have to do it alone. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Well, thank you all, and welcome to Recovery Cast. We're very excited to have uh Riley Whalen here. Thank you for having such an Irish name, too. You're very well, I usually don't mess those zones up. So uh great to have you. Welcome to Madison and uh welcome to Recovery Cast.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

Awesome. Well, uh let's start a little differently and uh uh instead of going into your journey. Let's start with this. Get tell me one thing, one bit of advice uh that you've received in your recovery journey that has helped you that you'd like to pass on to someone else. I mean, that's gosh.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Oh my gosh. Um, I love the generic, like it gets better just because I mean it it it's true. It's a goodie for a reason. Like I found that to be like when I started my journey, I really didn't know where it was going. I just knew that I was in a really dark place. And somebody told me, like, hang in there, it does get better. And that has been proven to me the longer I stay sober. So I would probably put that out there. It really does get better. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 2:25

Good. I'm glad you started there. Uh absolutely that uh that certainly does work. So now let's go back now that we've said that. And when did um alcohol and and marijuana first appear in your life? And uh, you know, was it maybe what was it filling a need or was it uh I'm just doing what everyone else is doing?

SPEAKER_01 2:47

Or I think for me, so where I'm from, drinking at a very young age is very normal.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

And um and tell me again, where is that where where are you from?

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Louisville, Kentucky.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Yeah, okay. That makes sense. I'm a Kentucky girl.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Uh there's not much to do there. Fun fact. So, you know, it's a lovely city, but from a very young age, like I started drinking at 13, um, pretty innocently just to like fit in, have fun. You know, you see other people drinking, and when it's coming from a place that seems so normal, like I didn't even think twice about it. Um so it started off pretty innocently. And then, you know, once I got to high school, and by the way, like I never drank normally. Like the first time I ever drank, it was in excess, and I don't even really remember that much of it. But I knew that I wanted to keep doing it. And I thought that everybody was drinking like me. So I just kept doing it innocently, and then it kind of graduated into um, you know, I was looking for the weekend, even from like my, you know, first uh freshman year of high school. I was waiting for the weekend to come because when the weekend came, I could drink and party the way that I wanted to. It never really crossed my mind that people could drink during the week. Like, thank God that didn't really happen. But that's kind of when I noticed or was introduced to marijuana, weed, marijuana, whatever you want to call it. Um, and that's when it graduated into like using something every day to fill a void, to fill a need. Uh, I wasn't necessarily conscious that that's what I was doing, but that's kind of when things started to um turn from like innocent to okay, I'm like depending on something to get me through the week. And so it started on like a marijuana maintenance through the week and then doing my normal stuff on the weekends.

SPEAKER_04 4:34

At this point, are you doing that by yourself or is it still like socially with friends, like going on cruises, weekend stuff?

SPEAKER_01 4:43

Um, during the week, it was mostly isolated. Uh it was mostly isolated. Sometimes like after school, people are like, You want to go do something after school? And maybe then other people are included. But in the back of my mind, like I knew and preferred to be alone doing that. Okay. Yeah. Um, well into the evening.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Yeah. So that feeling the need thing, though, I you know, I think at that age, you you're you think that need is is uh fitting in or connection, but it sounds like you know, that absolutely wasn't it, you know, did you or or maybe you didn't know at that time?

SPEAKER_01 5:21

I think uh part of it's it started out through connection because I realized like there was a group of people doing it that I wanted to be associated with, and that's how I got introduced to it in the like very beginning. There's a group of guys and group of girls that I perceived as like being cool. That was like my ticket in. I thought I had tapped into something. Like I thought, like, oh, this will be the crowd that I'll affiliate with these, this is how I'll be accepted. And then, you know, once I'm an act, like once I was introduced to the substance, it like turned to something different. And I think it started off innocently, just like my drinking did, wanting to connect, feel a part of. And then it turned to me relying on it for reasons that like I still don't necessarily know if I fully processed. I definitely um suffered from depression and anxiety at a young age. I was, you know, diagnosed with ADHD at a really young age. Like it just quieted everything for me. So I think that's why I turned to it because I liked the effects of it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 6:21

Yeah. It's hard to at that age when you're younger, especially like also like ADHD kid anxiety. You don't know those feelings or you can't like identify them when you're young. Is that kind of what you were feeling?

SPEAKER_01 6:32

A hundred percent. I think like, you know, I I didn't necessarily have any outlet. I didn't go to therapy at a young, like I had all of these things and I didn't have an outlet. And, you know, that's why I turned to drugs and alcohol because I didn't really have any other way. I had no coping mechanisms, I think, from a young age. And it manifested into like me turning to drugs to like quiet the noise or to feel accepted, or I don't know, to focus more. You know, I did a mix of things, and I'll I'll say this too. With ADHD, I'd always been prescribed medication, and that medication made me feel a certain way that like at the end of the night I'm trying to like relax too, and I can't. And I kind of noticed, like, okay, if I smoke marijuana in the evening, it relaxes me, it makes me feel more chill. And it kind of just started that whole balancing act.

SPEAKER_04 7:21

So you were doing your own like, not like self-medication, but like medication management. Yeah, it was self-medication. Yeah, I was definitely self-medication. You're prescribed, but you're also kind of doing your own like, this is kind of not working for me in the evening. Did you bring that stuff up to your doctor? I mean, no.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

No, my mom's in the room, they're like, You have you ever smoked weed? I'm like, no, of course not. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Going back to the first thing you said, like what's if eight, nine, ten-year-old Riley heard you say it's gonna get it be gets better. Like, would they would you have believed it back then, or would you not know, well, like, what is what is better?

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Well, like I I'm feeling I I don't think I would have known. Like it's it's so funny because at that age, you know, I I had a very privileged childhood. Like I had no perceivable issues other than I just felt less than or I felt like I wasn't a part of it. I felt like everybody got this book on how to do life and it like missed my house. Oh, I feel that so much. It's like it missed my house. Like they didn't deliver it to me. And like it, you know, from a young age, looking around and, you know, seeing people have things that I didn't want, I didn't like internalize that very well. And like I said, you know, I had no outlet for that. Um, but if you told me that at eight, nine, or ten, I would have been like, what are you talking about? Yeah, I'm fine.

SPEAKER_04 8:40

Yeah, that's like it's such an isolating feeling too, because you're like, why is everyone just like steady cruising down this path? And I'm like, what like mechanism are we even trying to get on to like cruise down here? Uh you guys are all just like reading this book perfectly, and I'm like, it's not even in the language I speak. Yeah, that's an extremely isolating feeling that you can't really label as isolating at that age because like who even knows?

SPEAKER_01 9:02

I wouldn't have known a word for it. I couldn't have put a word to it. I didn't even really know that anxiety like existed. I knew like now I can identify it. Like I was always a pretty anxious person, like even you know, now like I can identify that. But at that age, I had no idea what I was experiencing. I just knew that it was unsettling. And that goes along with like ADHD too.

SPEAKER_04 9:23

You're just like sensory seeking too. You just need those derputine hits. So we're constantly like, not bad kids. We just like need to find a place to like direct that energy, and it's hard. So you are drinking at a young age, smoking weed at a young age, um, kind of socially, also kind of on your own. How like where where is this going? Like how like how is that progressing in high school? It wasn't going great. No.

SPEAKER_01 9:49

From like all of high school, it's just it's all like very negative. Yeah. Um, just like, and that's my perception of it. I don't know. I don't if you asked anyone in my family, they'd probably agree. I'd say those were the roughest years. Um, my family and I were all very close, but we're all very similar in a in a big way. And I think like I'm the oldest of two daughters. So, like, also I was like the guinea pig for all of the parenting and stuff like that. And my parents were trying to like figure out like how to deal with me. And then on top of that, like alcoholism runs on both sides of my family. And I think my mom did everything she could to prevent me from going down that path. She saw everything from a from like my freshman year of high school. She was like, I don't like where this is going. And she tried, but with me and who I was am, um, I'm pretty stubborn. So, like the more that something was like, the more that she tried to find me on that, the more I wanted to do it. Yeah, it's defiance. Yes. Yeah. All throughout high school. So it just with alcoholism and addiction, it got worse. Yeah. And that's like been the case for me anytime drugs or alcohol are involved in my life. Like it gets worse. It does not get better. Yeah. Um, always, always worse, never better. But by my like junior year, I was fully dependent on smoking weed. Um, I didn't have access to alcohol in a way that maybe if I had, it would have been different. But that was when I kind of started to experiment with like drinking in the evening, like when I'd get home from school, or like drinking on days that weren't necessarily like the weekend nights and stuff like that. Um, it was not by any means like a full-blown problem. But now, if I were a parent and had like a child in high school and I even noticed that a little bit, yeah, it would be a big conversation.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

But would the conversation be about as the conversation that we all had too? And obviously, you is like these are dangerous behaviors, don't do them, as opposed to like, why would you want to do that? What what's going on, what are you doing that makes you want to do this? Like, is it like did you ever have those conversations, or was it just don't behave this way, don't do this, don't do that, and figure it out from there?

SPEAKER_01 12:15

It was never, and like this is no no shade to like my parents or anything, because I have no idea what it's like to be a parent to me. Um I will tell you this. I did not make it easy. Um, I have no idea like what it's like to parent like an early adolescent alcoholic slash addict. Uh the behaviors were all there, but it was more like a disciplinary standpoint as far as my parents went with trying to like manage that. There weren't like intense conversations like, hey, um, just FYI, alcoholism and addiction runs in our family. Like, please be careful, be privy to that. It was like more if you get caught drinking, when we catch you drinking, when they would catch me drinking, it was like you're you're grounded. Like we don't even understand, we don't know why you're doing this.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Um that's the playbook. That is the playbook that we all get and we all continue that. So yeah, um, it's not yeah, like if how do you how do you change that playbook and right? Uh you're doing it now. I mean, I think social media, and we'll get into this, it has a lot a lot more opportunities to change that playbook and have those conversations that we didn't have before. Are you having those like are you starting out of the thing?

SPEAKER_01 13:26

The thing is, like, even if my parents did try to intervene at that point, I it wouldn't have done much. I wasn't like in any capacity willing to accept help.

SPEAKER_04 13:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Um, I think if because I know at a certain point or not, and maybe I remember it, I I don't really, but I know at a certain point my parents tried to intervene in a helpful way, and I just wasn't open to receiving it. And what can you do with that? You know, coming to me at 18 years old, 17 and saying, you know, we think you need help help with drugs and alcohol. If I don't feel that way, I'm not gonna do much to change it. And I see people, I know people now who are parents who who are sober and in recovery have been sober for 30 plus years, and their kids are going to the same path and they're trying to bring them in. And if they're not willing to get help, they could be armed with all the facts. Yeah. And if they're not willing to take the help, then they're not gonna get it. And you know, I just wasn't willing at the time to hear any of it.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

So what when did you when was enough enough? When did like obviously you just say like when you're ready, it's your decision. And so talk up to tell me about that uh moment when you said it's funny because it took a lot.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

Um there, there, there's two things to this. There's like moments of clarity when, you know, I think I was just tired and I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore. And then I'd wake up the next day and be like, oh, I was just being dramatic. Um, but my enough was enough was after I had tried to go out to California and traveled Route 66 by myself and tried to have a spiritual experience. And like I told myself that was gonna get me right. And like I didn't really know that what was happening to me was really just alcoholism and addiction. But I thought maybe if I moved out there, things would get better. When I got out there, COVID hit, things did not get better, they got worse, as I've stated. And I came back to Kentucky basically completely defeated. I was like, you know, those odds were completely stacked against me, and I was the one stacking them up. And I think it was just once I got back to Kentucky, I had no distractions. I had no like survival instinct like I did in California. I was like in survival mode, and it was just me and my alcoholism. And I really realized like I am fully dependent on it. I am waking up every day of my life, not wishing that I would die, but just wishing the pain would go away.

SPEAKER_03 15:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

And I recognize alcohol was the only thing that was like taking that away. And I was like, you know what? I I just can't, I cannot keep doing this. I'm gonna either die. Because at that point I was like locking the door so that my family members couldn't get in and I just could drink the way that I wanted to. Um, and that was kind of the turning point. And it was my sisters had both come to me and been like, you know, we love you so much, but this is this is like not our sister that we know. Like we have looked up to you our whole lives, and this is what you've become. And that was really, really hard to hear. My sisters are like the wind beneath my wings, like they're the two most important people to me. So hearing that and like knowing that I was just I I had no idea like what kind of change to make. And that's when I was like, I am willing to get help. I was at that point willing to do whatever was necessary. I didn't know what that looked like, what that meant. I'll go to rehab, whatever. But I needed help. And that was kind of the turning point.

SPEAKER_04 16:55

Before we dive into treatment, I was like, oh my gosh, wait, California. What? You just drove to California. Okay, so back up. What what was what led to you going to California? And what happened in California that made you come back? Alcoholism is a funny thing. That's yeah, it starts every sentence just the one word, alcoholic, period.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

It's it really it really was. I had made some really bad choices. I had gotten kicked. I had lived with my parents um in the months leading up to this, and then got kicked out because I was like coming home at 4 a.m. drunk, and they just like how old are you at this time? I was 20, 22. Okay. So I was working a restaurant job, just living with them, living paycheck to paycheck somehow, not even paying rent. And I was just trying to like party all the time. I was staying in out into all hours of the night, and they just were like, you have to leave. And I like tried to make some apartment situation work, but essentially I, you know, signed this lease and then didn't pay for like three months that I was living there. I don't know how I got away with that. And I knew that they were gonna either evict me or something bad was gonna happen. And I could feel the pressure cooker like starting to simmer. And at that point, I lost my restaurant job. I had little to no money. I think my last paycheck was coming in, and I had just turned 23. It was right after my 23rd birthday. And my mom was like, What are you gonna do? She didn't know I was gonna be about to get kicked out of my apartment. She was like, What are you gonna do? And I was like, I don't know. And one day her, me, and my youngest sister got in this screaming matchup to this day. No, none of us can remember what it was about. And I get in my car and I'm so angry. And Louisville's very close to Chicago, and by close, I mean like five hours. And at first I was like, maybe I'll just start a drive. And then it turned into this thing where I was like, I'm gonna go to California. That's like the American dream.

SPEAKER_02 19:00

It is.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

People think like California will fix all their problems. You can become a movie star. It's like the land of all. I don't know. I felt like conditioned, like I was I told myself if I just made a geographical change that I I don't think I'm the only person that's ever like fall fallen victim to that. There's a reason why so many people go out there. I'm like, I'm gonna move.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

Yeah, it looked good when Pee-wee did it.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

So you know, what's the danger? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

But I I just was like, if I move, it'll probably fix things. And I'm young and I don't have a lot of money, but start that eviction can't get me out here. That's what I'm saying. And I was like, you know what? My family, they'll they'll deal with all of it. Because they they always had, they had always cleaned up my messes. I just really I'm very fortunate, but I I was like, they'll fix it. I don't know. I don't know what they're gonna do, but I gotta get out of here. And that's what I did. And I took off. And when I think back to like where my drinking got really bad, it like started pretty much on that whole journey. And I like I don't remember much of being in California because I was like, Where'd you live? Like, how did you? I I had like serious lucky girl syndrome. I don't even know what I was there in the first three days. Um, and on my way out there, I had a buddy who lived there and he was like, My roommate's out of town. You can live in his thing for two months, figure it out. But in my first three days being there, I got a job at like some yeah. It just kind of unfolded. And I had another friend from high school live there, and I just was couch surfing essentially the entire time.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

Did you stay in contact with your family or was there any contact at all? And so I how did that feel?

SPEAKER_01 20:44

That was like when that is like such a point of contention. Even now, like I loved to do this thing where I'd like pit my parents against each other. Cause you I feel like with alcoholics, there's like always one parent who kind of doesn't actively choose to enable, but just does so out of like sincere like desire to help their child. And the other one kind of pulls back. And my mom was the one who pulled back and like didn't want to assist me. But my dad did send me a box of my clothes and I opened it, and it there was a letter from my youngest sister, not the one that I had gotten in an argument with. But outside of that, like I only, and this is hard to say, but like I only reached out to my dad when I needed something. Yeah. And that's where I was. Um, that's okay. Like, I still feel guilty about it now, but that's where I was at, and I only reached out when I needed something. But that was really the only time we ever contacted. And that was the longest me and my mom and me and my sister had ever not spoken. What a trip.

SPEAKER_04 21:41

Wow. Okay. So yeah. Okay. So you drove from Kentucky to Chicago, from Chicago to California. How long were you out in California?

SPEAKER_01 21:51

I was I think I was there like six and a half months, almost seven. Okay. The timeline's a little blurry, but I use like Snapchat memory to like put it back together. So around six, six and a half, seven months.

SPEAKER_03 22:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

Um, so then you come back here because didn't work out. No. No. No. My the last person that I stayed with while I was out there, his uncle was going back to Pennsylvania and they were like, We think you they didn't say we think you need help, but they were like, this isn't working out. They had taken me in because of COVID, and they were like, This isn't working out. Like, we really think, you know, we don't know where they they guised it like, we don't know what's gonna happen with COVID. We think we should, you should go back with your family. And gentle little scooch out the pretty much. And I, you know, I didn't even fight. I was like, Yeah, yeah. And I texted my dad, like, hey, I'm coming home. And he was like, Okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:40

So you get home and what happens?

SPEAKER_01 22:42

Oh gosh. I mean, I lived with my family for less than three months before I ended up in rehab because at that point I came home fully dependent on alcohol.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Sure. Was this your that your the first re rehab treatment?

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Um that was the point I was speaking on earlier when my first real moment. Because it it takes a lot. Like it it really took me getting beaten down, like being just living to drink and drinking to live.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:08

What was that experience looking for treatment like your first time?

SPEAKER_01 23:12

You know, it it's it's so I feel so bad for my parents because they had never done that. Yeah. Okay. So they're like, what is even the first step there? And they're looking at me like, I don't know. I don't know how to find rehab. Um, my but my dad was like, this is our insurance. Go figure it out. And I actually got in contact with somebody, I don't even remember really. I got in contact with somebody from the insurance, and she had given me three treatment centers in the area. And I just called the first one, and they said they had equine therapy, which is like horse therapy. No, no horses. There were no horses, but oh really? No, well, I went at the time when like I they just like weren't bringing, I don't know. I saw the COVID.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

So they're like horses over there, you can't touch them because the COVID is serious.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Uh yeah, not very therapeutic. Um I'm scared of horses, so I don't even know why. Oh my gosh, yeah, anxiety. Okay. Um, but I was like, okay, uh I don't want to keep having to call people, yeah. So I'll just do this one. And it was in Indiana in the middle of nowhere. And I was like, that's probably good for me too, because I'm a runner. Like, if there if it was she's a track star. That is so like day one of treatment, what's that like? Oh my gosh. I they told me that I had to like pack a bag and my dad was gonna drive me there. It was like an hour and a half, almost two hours away, and I got good and lit up. I don't know. People that show up to treatment sober, like my hat's off to them. That couldn't have been me. Uh, but my dad, you know, he tried to have this long talk, like this. I don't know where this journey is gonna start for you, but I'm really happy for you. Meanwhile, I'm like sipping vodka out of an Arby's cup.

unknown 25:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

I'm like, yeah. That was like my last request. I was like, I want to eat Arby's. I've never had it since. I've never had it.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

It's two triggers. So your mindset, was your mindset like, I don't know what's on the other side of this. Everyone's telling me I need treatment. So all I know is numbing my emotions this way.

SPEAKER_01 25:21

I thought, yeah, I thought like they were gonna tell me my triggers, tell me what happened in my childhood that made me drink that way, and then they were gonna teach me how to drink better. That's what I thought they were gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 25:34

Make you a normal drinker.

SPEAKER_01 25:35

Make me a normal drinker. What's a normal drinker? Girl, I don't even know. I have no idea. Like, to me, it is somebody who my sister's a normal drinker. Yeah. She goes out and has a beer and is like, that's it. Like, it gives me anxiety sitting with people that don't even finish their drink. Like, that's to me, that's like I'm like sitting there and somebody has half a cocktail, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like, how are they doing that? That to me, if she has a bad night out, which rarely ever happens, she doesn't drink for like three months. That just could never be me. Yeah. Um, but I don't know what a normal relationship with alcohol looks like. I've never experienced one, so I can't speak to it.

SPEAKER_04 26:12

Yeah. And that's just different people's experiences. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:15

So they didn't treatment round one didn't make you into a normal drinker. What did they do? What what you know you left.

SPEAKER_01 26:23

Well, like it was the first time that I had always made jokes that I was an alcoholic. Like I knew I didn't drink normally, but I never I had such an idea, locked-in idea of what I thought an alcoholic was. And that was like an older adult who had lost everything. Like their kids. I don't even know. Like, I just had this had this picture of what an alcoholic looked like. And I thought I was way too young to be an alcoholic. So when I got in there and they were like, this is like how we define alcoholism. This is how we define alcoholism in any individual, young, old, whatever. Where do you see yourself in this? And I checked like all the boxes, like every single one. And that was really eye-opening. And I was like, wow, I really might have this. Like, I really might be an alcoholic. And by, you know, my third week there, I was openly admitting I was an alcoholic. I had talked to other women who had similar experience to me who identified as alcoholic. And that's when I was like, wow, like I'm an alcohol.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

Was that their first time really talking to other people that had done in treatment like seeing that?

SPEAKER_01 27:31

What it what happens when you when you are in treatment and you see other people that it was looks like you it was cathartic, really, because I had never, I had not grown up with anybody that I knew or that I felt like experienced what I experienced. And only it, it only an alcoholic can really get through to another alcoholic. Um, and to see somebody, I mean, there were a lot of older women at this treatment center, but there were a few girls around my age who had not only done things that I had done, like things that I felt like really ashamed of that I had done in my alcoholism, like done in drinking, and they had done those things too, and they are starting to get better and they, you know, shared their experience.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

It just like that's that's amazing. Yeah. How because how can you do that on your own? You can't. You to see your behavior in somebody else, and that person's getting healthy.

SPEAKER_01 28:25

Those things really isolated me too, like just from the world in general. I thought I was uniquely, I thought I was unique, like in all uniquely broken, uniquely broken, uniquely ill. Um, and it just turns out I was an alcoholic, and it's okay. That was okay.

SPEAKER_00 28:40

Yes, this podcast is brought to you by recovery.com. It's a place where anyone can find mental health or addiction treatment options specific to them. You can filter by location, price, insurance coverage, therapy type, mental health condition, levels of care, and so much more. Recovery.com is the place to find mental health or addiction treatment for anyone anywhere.

SPEAKER_04 29:16

We've talked to a lot of people who it's it's one of those things where we we, you know, we didn't talk about it, or I kind of knew it was in my family, but like we didn't like talk in depth about it, which kind of like festered and helped grow that isolating feeling of who do I even talk to about this? Because I feel so much shame. The last thing I want to do is open up to someone that might judge me and feel that shame towards me, like openly. Um, what is what's your relationship with the feelings that you had to like process through treatment? Or what are some of those feelings that you felt?

SPEAKER_01 29:47

I felt like my drinking was a moral failing. Like I thought that it was more of like it wasn't, I didn't know that alcoholism was qualified as a disease. Like I just thought that it was a moral failing, like I was a bad person. And, you know, drinking was just like a way that I dealt with being a bad person or a way that I, you know, there were a lot of different reasons that I knew that I drank, but when it was like expressed to me, like you actually like have a like the disease of alcoholism. Like it is not a moral failing. You're not a bad person, you're just somebody who's dependent on alcohol. And if you drink alcoholically, you're gonna have like consequences. You're gonna do things that you wouldn't normally do, and that's okay. And it got to a point where I was like, okay, I'm getting sober and I'm gonna have to love this part of me, this like really dark, scary version of myself. I'm gonna have to love that part. And I don't even think I really processed it in treatment. I really just think, you know, I was only there for 28 days. I dried, I dried out and I got introduced to like a program, a 12-step program there. And that was when I started to process like, okay, the feelings that I had, the shame, the guilt. That's like when I really started to do the work. But I wouldn't say like a lot of that happened in treatment. I was just so focused on like figuring out what my next steps were that I really didn't have much time to think, but I knew a few things. I knew that I was an alcoholic. I knew that the only way I was gonna have like a good life was to stay sober. And I knew that I needed to figure some things out so that I could continue staying sober once I got out of there.

SPEAKER_04 31:18

Um, you had said while in treatment, they were talking about things that define alcoholism. What were some of those things that uh you heard?

SPEAKER_01 31:27

Um, the big one was once you start drinking, are you able to stop? And my answer was no. And that is like the best way that I define my alcoholism now is like that was the big one. That was like the the question. When you start drinking, are you able to stop? Are you able to moderate? And I had no capability of doing that. I never knew what a middle ground was. Um, because like I had mentioned in high school, I only drank on the weekends, but when I did, completely binged. Have you ever drank when you didn't want to? Always? You know, I would wake up and be like, I don't want to drink at like 9 a.m., but I have to. Uh have you ever tried like switching from one thing to another as like an attempt to like moderate? And I had played that game a million times, like trying to, I'll only drink beer. But the thing is, like when I start drinking beer, I don't start, it didn't matter. The big question was like, once you start, are you able to stop? And that was just mind-blowing to me because I, you know, it's so obvious, but I had never put it together. Like when I start drinking, I cannot stop. When they that point was brought up, that was the first time you had really thought about it that way. Uh, literally. And it's so funny. I'm like, that that's so obvious, but I had never thought of it like that. Yeah. Like I had always just thought, like, I don't even know if I thought. I just knew that I had to. Like my body knew that I had to. And I just, I when I thought back on all my history of drinking, that's how it always was. I had always drink until I blacked out or the law got involved, or something external stopped me. I not you yourself. Yeah. I never could just like have one glass of wine. I there were, I actually explicitly thought back to this one time where we were over at my friend's house, and like I just wanted to leave and go drink because that's what I did. And she pulls out a bottle of wine, and I'm looking around, and there's five of us. And that pissed me off. That pissed me off. I was like, Are you serious? And I knew I actually sat that one out because I knew that if I drank one glass of wine, that's just enough to piss me off. You're like, which one of you are not drinking? Correct. Like, come on. I was like, wow. Uh okay.

SPEAKER_04 33:37

Do you have four more? Yeah. It was seriously.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

When you went through those questions going back to those, like, uh, did you were you honest about those? And even if it was just that one question, what did that honesty feel like? Because I I I feel like on the run up, you you think about your drinking, but you're not honest about it. And now you're faced with this here's this list. Did you jump in with honesty right away? And and if it was just that one question, how liberating did that feel?

SPEAKER_01 34:14

It was liberating, and I was honest because I was checking into rehab. I felt like at that point I did not have much to lose. And if I was really going to get help, like I needed to be honest with my answers. You know, I went to the doctor in the past and they'd be like, How many times do you drink like a week? And I would tell them, they'd be like, Oh, that's still a little problematic. And in my head, I'm like, I'm diluting my answers. I just dieted that down. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. So at that point, you know, I'm checking into rehab. I'm I'm just gonna see what happens and just try to be as honest as I can. And it was cool because I was like able to receive help from it. And all the people, I will I will say this too. This treatment center was really, really cool because a majority of the people that worked there were also recovering alcoholics and addicts. And that's huge. Huge.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

Well, all right. So like you had to have a lot of fear going in. Absolutely. How did you do uh tell me about talk to me about that? How did you do that?

SPEAKER_01 35:16

The biggest fear was on the way there, I was thinking, like, what is this night, this first night gonna be like? Because at this point, I had not gone a night without anything in my body. And I was scheming, I was like, I wonder if they'll give me sleeping pills or something. Like I needed alcohol to even sleep. So the biggest fear going there was like, okay, what's this first night gonna be like? And how bad is my withdrawal gonna be? And what's gonna happen after that, you know? Because when you're so dependent on something like that, taking it away seems like the worst thing in the world. But I also told myself, you know, I can't imagine my life with alcohol anymore. Like that's how bad it had gotten. But I also was so dependent, like I couldn't imagine it without it. And that was the biggest fear. Um, and that first night was hell. It was terrible. They gave me no sleeping pills, they gave me nothing. They gave me a 12-step-based book. Okay, and I had no TV, I had nothing. It was me and my thoughts in a dark room for the first time in a while. For the first time in like years. Because I used something. I mean, when I trace back, like I use something at any point in my life to get me to bed, to quiet my thoughts, to do whatever. It I always had something. So that night I remember it vividly because I had shown up drunk. Um, and so that started to wear off. And my body was just betraying me on all fronts. Like I was shaking, I was sweating, I was crying. Like it was, it was really hard. And I just kept telling myself, like, this is a this is gonna be the hardest part. This is the scariest part. And I was wrong because the second and third day weren't any better. But after that, you know, my biggest fear was like, what's gonna happen when I leave here?

SPEAKER_03 37:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:09

Am I gonna be able to keep doing this? So after that first time, what did happen?

SPEAKER_03 37:13

What did you do when you left?

SPEAKER_01 37:15

Before I left, I was very I I actually wanted it. I wanted to stay sober. I had talked to people who like all the people at the treatment center, they were working in recovery and they they did it outside. And I was like, How do I do this? I can't go live with my parents. I can't because we just we butt heads and I wanted to change my life. Like I wanted something different. I wanted to get away from Kentucky from my people, places, and things. And somebody had mentioned sober living.

SPEAKER_03 37:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:47

No clue, had not had no knowledge of it at all. And I had talked to people in the treatment center and I was like, how do I do this? And I picked Charleston just at random.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

No kidding.

SPEAKER_01 38:00

I yeah, I had been going there my whole life, vacationing.

SPEAKER_00 38:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:03

So I guess it wasn't completely at random, but also my mom is from South Carolina, and I thought maybe if I presented it like sober living in a state that she was familiar with, that they would agree. And that's exactly what happened. So yeah, the day that I got out of treatment, I interviewed for sober living in Charleston, and they accepted me, and a week later I moved in. Well, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_04 38:25

It was great. That's cool.

SPEAKER_01 38:27

Did you like that experience there?

SPEAKER_04 38:28

Like how I loved it.

SPEAKER_01 38:30

Awesome.

SPEAKER_00 38:31

Because you you, I mean, that treatment's treatment. Treatment's treatment. This is your this is a journey, a recovery journey starting right now.

SPEAKER_01 38:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:39

You know, they told you about sober living, you didn't know what it was. Um, you found this amazing thing. How do you describe that now? When somebody asks what is sober living, what how what do you tell them?

SPEAKER_01 38:51

Sober living is bridging the gap. For for me, it was bridging the gap. Um, it is a house of like-minded individuals who are trying to stay sober and are holding each other accountable in doing so. This particular and there's uh different kinds, but that's the main purpose of every single one. It's just holding each other accountable through, you know, we had rules, like we had a curfew. Um, we each had like chores, we had a role in the house. And it was just setting you up with a routine and a like basically a way to hold yourself accountable when you were to leave there. So it was bridging the gap between treatment and the real world. Um, and I don't mean that in a harsh way. I'm just saying when you're first getting sober, it's so important, at least the way I see it, so important to be surrounded by people that are after the same goal. And I think it's important for somebody who's never experienced it. I think if you're going to treatment for the first time, it's such a great way to kind of immerse yourself in the real world, but also still have those like little things that you had in treatment as far as like routine and going to meetings and like having a chore and just like learning to be an adult. Um, we lose a lot of ourselves in alcoholism. We lose a lot of those routines. I didn't even know how to be like an adult. I didn't have a bank account when I went to treatment. Like I didn't know how to be an adult and I needed people to help me and pick me up and keep supporting me. And that was what sober living did for me. It was so great. I, you know, some people have different experiences with it. I had a great experience.

SPEAKER_00 40:22

Did you have like another part of that is it's just changing our mindset? Is like I you can't we're constantly thinking of, you know, what my life in five years is gonna be like and managing to that and uh trying to control it. Uh but uh in sober living, you have this opportunity to like live day to day. And did did that change for you? Did did you see that in sober living, or were you still thinking, when I get out of here?

SPEAKER_01 40:49

I see, in this story, I think I went wrong with it. I think sober living is supposed to be, like I said, bridging the gap. It's supposed to be a stepping stone.

SPEAKER_03 40:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

Because then when you leave there, it is suggested that you go out into the real world and like try to build your life up. Um, for me, what I did wrong and where I went wrong is I ended up staying for two years and I got very comfortable. I, you know, I had my own room, I was doing my own thing. And at the time, you know, towards the end before I left, I really like wasn't using it for what it was supposed to, like I wasn't using because at that point, like we had had so many girls live with us, and I was fed up with it because I had been there for two years. You know, it's supposed to be a stepping stone, not like a permanent, you know, place to live. And that's exactly what I was using and abusing it as. And when I when I moved out, like I just wasn't in a good place because I had, I don't know, I had rode the wave way too long. My suggestion for people is like, use it for what it is, which is a stepping stone into the real world. Well, take the next place. Yeah, that is yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:01

As you said, like getting over that fear, going from treatment to the real world. So, you know, it's breaking down that fear. But if you stay there, you build that fear back up. Now I can't go out again.

SPEAKER_01 42:11

And actually, a lot of my sobriety at a certain point was based on the fear of being homeless. Like, true. Like it got to a point where I stopped leaning on like the things that I was supposed to lean on, which is like the 12-step program that I was in the people, and really like I was staying sober because we were getting, you know, drug tested. And I'm like, if I failed a drug test, and I recognize that now, like, but at the time I didn't. But a lot of it, it shifted and I got uncomfortable and I was really staying sober because if I didn't, I wasn't gonna have a place to live. And that's not good either. You know, you have to hold yourself accountable at a certain point. Otherwise, when you leave there, you're not gonna be. Yeah. So you you did leave.

SPEAKER_04 42:51

So it's two years, you leave, but then you don't have those drug tests holding you accountable and you hadn't been leaning on those things that were supposed to like be that core part of keeping you centered. What happened, Riley?

SPEAKER_01 43:05

It was under two, just shy under two years, and I moved out into an apartment with another sober girl and a normie girl that we had known. And it was like within weeks, I had went right back to drinking alcoholically the way that I did before. There was a slip there, and it's it was very short-lived. It was six or seven months. Um, that's short in the scope of like how the lifetime of yeah. Yeah, it was short. Like I my alcoholism is very progressive. It works very fast. It was very bad. I ended up leaving there and I went to my second treatment center.

SPEAKER_04 43:42

Yeah. Did the roommate that you stayed with, was that a good situation?

SPEAKER_01 43:46

Yeah. I she was very supportive, very helpful and understanding, and like they nothing monetized, like I didn't get evicted or anything like that. They just they were like, We think you need help. I stopped paying rent towards the end. And like Like I just when I look back, like where did I go wrong? It was really like staying, overstaying at sober living, letting my basically higher power like become this fear of like being homeless. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 44:12

And once that accountability was gone, like I mean, I was yeah, it's like a place for growth, but you had already reached that thing. Yeah. Reminds me of my son's daycare. He got stuck in there for a year, but he was too big and he had outgrown his surroundings. So he started getting a little handsy with other kids because he's too comfortable and he needed that next step to be able to grow and continue to flourish. And yeah, it's like what you're saying. Like there had probably become a point where you were ready. 100%. But yeah, it was that like next growth part that you still just like you got into a comfortable spot. Okay, so like comfortable spot. So you had relapsed um after drinking again for about six more months. Never thought I'd get there. Yeah. Never thought it would get to that point. So then how do you get back into treatment? What are the next steps that you take?

SPEAKER_01 45:00

Oh my gosh. Well, my parents, you know, there's a lot. There's a lot there uh in that six months. Short time, lots happened. But essentially, my parents became aware that I had been drinking again. Um, they knew it got pretty bad. My old sponsor actually emailed them and was like, this is because in a moment of clarity, I was like, I've had enough. And then the next day I called her and did the I think I was overreacting. Um, but my old sponsor had emailed my parents and said, This is where Riley is. We think it's gotten pretty bad again. And uh they showed up out of nowhere at my friend's house. It had gotten really bad. And I think they just wanted to see how bad it had gotten. They had seen me a little bit in my relapse, but not for long since. And they showed up from Kentucky in Charleston, and they were there for a weekend, and we moved me out of my apartment, and they were like, Where are you gonna go? And I was like, I don't know, I'll figure it out. Um, and that same weekend they took me to my second treatment center, and I've been sober ever since. Congratulations. Thank you. Yes, it was a journey. Um, it was necessary. The second treatment center that I went to, I was very familiar with. I had visited it, it is an institution in Charleston. Every a lot of people in the sober community have gone through it in Charleston. It was 90 days though, which was very scary.

SPEAKER_04 46:24

How was that? Yeah. So I mean, 28 days was the first one you said. 28 to 90 days. That's a huge jump. What is what was what was the difference in that second experience there that you think really helped you get over?

SPEAKER_01 46:37

There's a million things. Um that the 90 days was like so helpful in so many different ways because it allowed me to so the the second treatment center that I went to was 12-step based. Okay. Completely and entirely run by other alcoholics and addicts. Um, way different uh foundation for living. Like you lived in these houses and you know, you had chores, but we were going to five meetings a day, 12-step based. There is a thing in the 12-step community where you do 90 and 90 and you can't fail. They say that I don't really I had never done 90 and 90 before. So what is that? 90 meetings in 90 days. It was crazy, but I was going away more than that. Um, but I was able to meet a lot of people that I was able to connect with once I left. And so it really created the sense of community. I had a lot stronger female sober network when I left there than I had before. Oh, you need it. Yeah. I didn't have I didn't have that before necessarily because I didn't put energy into cultivating it. Um because yeah, being sober is just like one thing.

SPEAKER_04 47:39

That's one thing people can relate to, but like people are so much more than that. So to continue and be able to build that relationship, like having being able to find like another woman or someone that shares those common interests, that's awesome. I'm glad you're able to.

SPEAKER_00 47:52

And one of the things, I mean, you know, we're all different as well as our addictions are all different. So uh what I found the same thing is like you you go from meeting to meeting, those are all different too. And I think that 99 kind of gives you uh it forces you to say, now I gotta find where you know where I fit in the most. So did you find that? And then, like as you said, you found the women's group, which is huge.

SPEAKER_01 48:20

It is huge. It's funny though, like the first time I got sober, I didn't really, you know, I was going to meetings, but I wasn't doing the steps.

SPEAKER_03 48:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:27

I I'm trying to touch on this in like a delicate way, but I didn't do the steps. I didn't make amends to anybody. I don't be delicate. Yeah, like I didn't make amends to anyone. I thought that if I got to a certain point in the work, like I could pick the way that I wanted to run my program, which if you know anything about a 12-step program, you're really not in charge of it.

SPEAKER_00 48:44

Like it's not a la carte.

SPEAKER_01 48:46

That's not how it works. It's not a la carte. You can't cherry pick it. And that's what I was trying to do. So you get here and you have to work the steps while you're in this treatment center. And you have to start making amends. Like you leave that treatment center making amends already. Like you had to. They they basically you get a sponsor while you're there and you can sponsor other women, which I had never done. And so I left there already making amends, already doing, like, you know, big parts of the program that I had never done before. And that's when things really shifted too. So I'm leaving there, like with a group of people that I can connect with on the outside, and I'm leaving there actually doing the work for once in my life. And that's when I I just saw a huge change in the way, like when you look at my two stints of recovery or two stents of sobriety, they are completely different.

SPEAKER_00 49:37

I'm also guessing that, you know, I I and I love that that immense thing, because yeah, we're I I didn't that that is a meet and potato. And it doesn't have to be the big ones, just little things. Just uh now I just say I'm sorry, just when I interrupt somebody.

SPEAKER_03 49:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:52

You know, looking at those two things, another thing that that I, being in recovery, uh clung to was the whole rigorous honesty thing.

SPEAKER_01 50:00

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 50:01

And you know, like compare yourself from the first time. I might have been a little honest, but not rigorous honest. There's that too. It's a huge makes a huge difference.

SPEAKER_01 50:09

There's that too. I just there were things that I held back, things that I didn't say, things I didn't do. There's a laundry list of what I didn't do the first time around, but the rigorous honesty, um, the making amends to people, it just makes you like a stronger individual in recovery. And I was able to sponsor women, which I had never done before.

SPEAKER_00 50:30

You've gone from treatment, a couple, you know, stints at a couple stints, you know. But here you are now you're in recovery, and you talk about I'm in recovery. What is like what is what is that like? Is this like am I looking at a different like is that other person not here anymore? And like I found this person now. I talk to me about life and recovery.

SPEAKER_01 50:54

Life and recovery now. I mean, I the biggest thing that started, like, I don't know, I'm able to sponsor women today. I'm able to be employable today. I have a bank. Hey, I have a bank account today. I'm a trustworthy worthy person. I'm close with my family. I've made amends to the people that I've harmed and I've cleaned my side of the street and I continue to do that. I show up for people now. I have a host of friends. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. And it's it's crazy because I think like I always wanted some I don't even know what I wanted, but I got something more than I ever could have imagined for myself. Like that's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 51:37

Do people come up to you and and and and acknowledge that? Like here, uh you probably feel like I'm the same person I always was, but yeah, you're smiling, uh, you know.

SPEAKER_01 51:48

I think you know, when we have a spiritual experience or we have, you know, a change in personality sufficient enough to bring about one, um, people notice it before we do, because I do feel that way. Like, I don't feel like I've changed much as a person, but uh, in so many ways I have. And yes, people have acknowledged that to me. I mean, my sponsor has pointed it out to me every, she's like, look at your perspective on that. Like, you would have never said that two years ago. And like, I'm able to meet like calamity with serenity today, like things that would normally have just like sent me in a tailspin. Like, I'm able to match that with like, okay, that is what it is. And like, I just wasn't that person. Um, and like I like myself. Like, I'm I'm cool with being me now, which I love hearing that so cliche, but so big for somebody like me.

SPEAKER_00 52:35

Yeah, it's kind of what I'm saying, is like when you like that person, that uh throws off an aura that people like like I like that person too. I want to, I wanna like that person. I'm aura maxing in sobriety.

SPEAKER_04 52:50

Was there anyone? Has there been anyone through your recovery journey? Because like you have a wonderful following on socials. I've loved watching, and now you're on YouTube too, like TikTok's kicked off. Like, people are looking to you, you're inspiring them, you're helping them kind of navigate how they want to approach their sobriety or recovery or even just a curiosity. Are there any people that you looked up to or that you um sought out during your recovery just to find someone to relate to or look up to?

SPEAKER_01 53:23

My sponsor. She had what I wanted. She has what I want still to this day. And like all of my friends in recovery, each of them have something that, you know, you you surround yourself with people that at least I try to surround myself with people that have something that I want or have a perspective I don't have. And I get something different from each of my sober friendships, and even my friendships that aren't sober. It's just it's such a big majority of my life now. My friend circles other sober people. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 53:51

What's your future recovery look like? What do you think that where are you going?

SPEAKER_01 53:55

Girl, I don't even know. Uh, I think right now I'm just gonna keep doing the next right thing, um, which is helping other alcoholics, which is showing up for my job each and every day, which is just showing up for myself. You know, I do it one day at a time. There's a reason that that that saying has gotten so many people through recovery. I just try to keep doing the next right thing. That's um, because I can't really how do I put this? Like, I don't wake up every day like I'm sober and I'm taking on the world, but I try to like do it the best that I can. And that's all I can really do. And I don't know. Your story's incredible.

SPEAKER_04 54:32

I've honestly like just getting to learn about you prior on your socials and then meeting you now. You you do, you have like a glowing personality. It was awesome. Just like walking in, you honestly glow. It's skincare butt personality as well. Um, but it's it's really great to see like just hear recovery journeys because there's so many people that are like we say, it's fear. It's fear that keeps people from even starting. It's the fear of what's on the other side of this. But here you are on the other side of this, absolutely thriving and sharing your story with other people. Thank you. What is some advice that you would give to somebody or Lil' Riley or just somebody that is still maybe in that fear spot? What is some advice or words of encouragement that you would give them? Don't be afraid to ask for help.

SPEAKER_01 55:25

Ask for help. Ask for help. It's a like that fear is ego driven, and we, you know, even now, like I get scared to ask for help, but reach out to just one person, like one person you trust or anyone and tell them that. Because that is today, that is the DMs that that is what my DMs are all about. It's like I'm too scared to ask. Like, how do I ask? Just go for it. Just like be that rigorous honesty, ask for help. It's so scary, but it is so simple and it is so freeing when you do.

SPEAKER_00 55:54

Well, Riley, this has been fantastic. Uh, I think an amazing story. You're bringing connection to so many people by telling your story, and that is absolutely wonderful. That's that's recovery. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here.

SPEAKER_04 56:10

Thank you all for having me. And thank you all for joining us for another episode of Recovery Cast. Um, Riley, where can people follow you? What's your socials? Ryeway underscore or the highway.

SPEAKER_00 56:22

Love it. Love it.

SPEAKER_04 56:24

That's awesome. I love that you got that. Um, okay, so and also um check out the links in our descriptions in the show notes. Everyone have a wonderful rest of your day, and thank you. Thank you. Thank you.