Gabbie Egan | From Cocaine, Marijuana, & Alcohol Addiction to Faith-Based Recovery & Bipolar Healing

Gabby Egan shares her raw and unfiltered addiction recovery story, from getting pregnant at 13 to battling severe alcohol and marijuana addiction, being diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, and finding sobriety after a viral Vegas arrest. This is a powerful mental health & addiction recovery story about redemption, resilience, and healing.

Explore addiction and mental health treatment options: https://recovery.com

Connect with Gabbie: https://www.tiktok.com/@bbyegan_ 
https://www.instagram.com/bbyegan/

00:00 A Shocking Awakening in Jail
00:27 Introduction to Recovery Cast
01:28 Gabbie Egan's Recovery Journey
01:49 The Struggles and Setbacks of Recovery
04:08 Early Exposure to Substances
06:40 Teenage Turmoil and Early Motherhood
09:15 Diagnosis and Misunderstanding
16:56 Military Service and Substance Abuse
18:34 Living with Bipolar Disorder
25:56 A Life-Changing Trip to Las Vegas
27:25 Unexpected Encounters in Vegas
28:02 A Chaotic Day in Vegas
28:40 Legal Troubles and Jail Time
28:55 Returning Home and Facing Reality
31:41 Diagnosis and Treatment
33:37 Struggles with Substance Abuse
35:07 A Second Incident in Nashville
39:18 The Turning Point: Seeking Sobriety
42:37 Rebuilding Life and Business
47:06 Reflections on Recovery and Future Plans

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

So I have a full belly, right? And I'm swimming. And I have two drinks. I get back in the pool. I don't remember anything else. I wake up, I'm in a straitjacket in jail, screaming. And the jail in Vegas is like on the Fremont. Well, yeah, convenience. Yeah, you can literally like see people partying like out your little cell window. It's kind of sick.

SPEAKER_02 0:19

And welcome to Recovery Cast, where we share authentic stories from the influential voices about the joys of life in mental health and addiction recovery and the journeys that led us here. I'm Brittany Bainard, and today Tom Farley and I are joined by the radiant and real Gabby, known online as Gabby Egan, a creator, writer, and recovery advocate who brings unflinching honesty to every corner of her story. Through her raw reflections on addiction, grief, and healing, Gabby has created a space where being soft, angry, joyful, and recovering can all exist at once. Her content is a lifeline for anyone navigating the chaos of becoming equal parts gritty, tender, and true. This conversation is about what it means to come undone and rebuild, to tell the truth out loud, and to never let go of your own becoming. Here we go. Thank you for joining us, everyone, and welcome to today's episode of Recovery Cast. We are joined today by Gabby Egan. Thanks so much for joining us. Yeah, thank you so much for having me today. We're so excited to have you.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

SPEAKER_02 1:36

Yeah. So we're gonna dive right in. Um, but first, I would like to ask one question. Um, what is a piece of recovery advice that has stuck with you that you would like to share?

SPEAKER_03 1:49

I think that recovery is it's not set in stone. Like sometimes it's not just like, oh, I'm getting sober, oh, like I'm getting better. Sometimes you have to have those setbacks in order to actually get where you're going. So for me, like I've tried to get sober multiple times throughout my life and it never really stuck until one day it was like something hit me and it stuck. So it doesn't matter how many times you're trying to recover, as long as you're putting in the effort, one day it will stick if you really want it, but you have to be ready for it. And so that's one thing is like if you failed a million times, try again. Like you can you can fail a million times and still try again. That doesn't take away from the value of your recovery, it's just a part of your process.

SPEAKER_02 2:32

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

That's that that's that's really good advice.

unknown 2:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

I don't know. That's just that that's it.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

It is. It's like reframing the way you see it. Cause if someone told you you're gonna fail 20 times, but at 21, you're gonna be so successful. Like, how fast would you want to rush through those first 20 fails?

SPEAKER_03 2:50

Yeah. And I feel like a lot of people get really down on themselves and it it kind of frustrates me because they're like, no, I can't do it. And I'm just like, okay, you couldn't do it, but like if you just have to keep trying to do it, like you have to look at it in a different light. Um, I failed at a million things in my life, like I failed at so much, but it's the things that I've succeeded at because of those failures. Sometimes everything in life just has to, you have to fail at things in order to succeed at things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

I even through all those failures, you you are getting better. Life is getting better. Uh, if not, did let me ask you this. Yeah, through all of your journey up till now, do you feel that you are more resilient now than you ever were when you started because of it?

SPEAKER_03 3:32

Absolutely. Right? Yeah. I feel like I'm at the point in my life now where I've been through so much and in so many different situations that nothing surprises me anymore. And so it's like when something bad happens, I'm just like, okay, well, what's the good in this? Like there has to be some good in this. And so now instead of looking at the bad and everything, which I used to do a lot, I used to hyper focus on the bad. I just look at what the good was. Yeah, sure, I might have, you know, lost a bunch or like whatever, but it's like, okay, but a lot of good did come out of it too. Like if this didn't happen, then this wouldn't have happened. So you just have to look for the good and the bad things, you know? Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

It sounds like you're at an amazing point in your recovery journey. Um, so let's take it back to the beginning. So um, when did uh marijuana and alcohol first uh take part in your life? When did that first show up?

SPEAKER_03 4:19

It's kind of hard to say. So I whenever I was in like sixth grade, there was a thing called triple C's where it's like the cough and cold medicine. And people used to like take that as like a way to like get high in school. And clean. Yeah, it's like kind of, or like they even had like this like cough and cold, like it was like literal medicine that you can get at like Walgreens.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

Yep, NyQuil was the big thing.

SPEAKER_03 4:42

Yeah, we used to get like messed up on like cough and cold medicine at school, and that was kind of like my introduction. I'm from a part of North Carolina where it's like there's nothing to do. Like there's sports and there's stuff with school, but it's a very boring place to live. And so the only thing that people are really doing to keep themselves occupied is like getting messed up. And like a lot of the people where I'm from also aren't from like the best home backgrounds either. So, like, at least in my generation, like our parents were extremely like involved in work. Like my parents weren't too. So my parents had me in their 40s, and I love my parents. They are amazing people, but they were very into their careers when I was growing up and I was entertaining myself. So when I would hang out with my friends and stuff, it's not like our parents were like really monitoring what we're doing. Like I'm a helicopter parent nowadays, and I think that's because of how I was raised. But we would, you know, start goofing off with pills or like, you know, oh, I found these at my grandma's house. Now we're doing Vicadin and we're getting messed up on that. So that started very young for me, probably in like sixth grade. And then seventh grade, I started smoking weed. And that was, I mean, I remember the first time I ever got weed. It was one of my friends had known some guy who was like selling this cheap, cheap stuff. I don't even know what it was. Ditchweed. Yeah, literally ditchweed. It was so nasty. And we rode her parents' golf cart into the woods and we met up with like this random man who she got the contact for. Yeah, and like we bought this bag of weed for like $60. It was like barely. How did you have $60 of we all put our money in together? You know, like she had just my baby sitting there. Yeah, like literally, like literally. So we get like we scavenged together like 60 bucks and we're buying it. We're we're getting like blasted, you know, because we're like 12. Yeah. 11, 12. Yeah. That's when kind of everything started for me. I wouldn't say that I started drinking until I was probably like 16, whenever I started drinking, and that was a very dark hole. But I started smoking weed and like doing like random pills and stuff when I was probably like 11 or 12.

SPEAKER_02 6:40

What void are you filling? What what what is kind of driving you to do this?

SPEAKER_03 6:45

I don't know. I I was an only child growing up. So, and also I had older parents. And so, like I said, my parents were really involved in their careers, and I was often like left to like kind of just you know your own devices, yeah. Like kind of just, you know, do my own thing. And that's not me talking crap about my parents. I do think my parents did the best that they could.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

That's their way of providing and raising. It's like, I am providing for you. This is the thing. That's just intergenerational stuff. I totally understand.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

So I feel like I've always had like some sort of depression. Like when I was, I was a very sad kid, and I also was bullied a lot in school when I was younger. Um, I never really fit into a group of I went to Christian school too. So, and I got kicked out of Christian school when I was in sixth grade. And all of that kind of happened once I started going to public school. So I got my belly button pierced. I pierced my own belly button in sixth grade and yeah, sixth grade.

SPEAKER_02 7:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 7:35

I tried, I tried a body piercing attempt too. I'm right, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:38

It didn't work.

SPEAKER_03 7:39

I was successful. I got that sucker in and I posted on Facebook. Got kicked out of Christian school for the belly button. For a belly button piercing. The principal literally made me go and show her my belly button ring every single morning to prove that it was out. And one day I went in and my belly button ring was in because I was putting it right back in after she would check me. I feel like that's like illegal though. Like you shouldn't be able to check something. Didn't look at my belly button. Yeah, no, like that's so weird.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

Times was different.

SPEAKER_03 8:02

Yeah. And so she ended up getting fired. Screw her, but different belly button reasons. Yeah, probably. I think she was checking students' cars illegally. Um seizure, man. Yeah. Wow. I think it was like once I had left the Christian school, I got kicked out because of that. I've always had like a something wrong, like something was off. Like I was sad. My mom would always brand not. Yeah. Well, it's just like I was just like sad about nothing, essentially. Like it was just my mom was like, You have nothing to be depressed about. Depression is fake. My mom doesn't believe in mental illness. And so oh, how did you navigate that?

SPEAKER_02 8:36

Did you, okay, at that time though, did you realize my mom doesn't believe in mental illness, or was it just like, okay, maybe that's the way it is, and I don't understand then what I'm feeling?

SPEAKER_03 8:47

I would be like, I don't know. I just like I'm sad. And she was like, You have nothing to be sad about. Like, you have a good life. Me and dad have good jobs. Like, we we do all this stuff, we do all this stuff for you, we do all this for you. Like, how are you sad? Like you have all this, and none of your friends have this, and it's just like, I don't know. Maybe it's because I don't have like friends at school, it's because I don't fit in. Like, I don't, I just I was in a pretty low place ever since I was a child. Yeah. My mom would always say that like mental health and depression is like made up, like it's in your head, like you're just making it up.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

Okay, so that's planted, that seeds planted. Um, you were diagnosed with bipolar one. What was that around?

SPEAKER_03 9:19

Like I got pregnant in seventh grade. And my after I started smoking weed and like hanging out with the wrong group of people, and you know, I'm not really that supervised. I ended up getting a boyfriend that was a lot older than me, ended up getting pregnant, and I had him right before I turned 14. So after all of you know that had happened, me and his dad didn't work out. I was just in the trenches. Like, I'm trying to finish high school. I am super depressed. I completely had lost myself for like years during all of this. And when my son would go um to his grandparents' house, because his dad really wasn't that involved, like he would try to be involved, but he just he couldn't get his stuff together. My son was the only thing that I could get myself together for. Like everything else in my life would be completely falling apart in every aspect. I was a horrible friend, I was a horrible partner, I was a horrible daughter to my parents, just because I was just like so just like in the trenches, but I was a great mom to my son. So while my son would go and stay with his grandparents on his dad's side who were involved and they helped us with raising him because I was, like I said, in high school and stuff, I would go drink every single time he wasn't with me. I would and go hard. I mean, I'm not talking about like go have a couple of drinks. Like I would go get blacked out on somebody's bathroom floor. Um, and those were some of my darkest days. And I don't know what was wrong with me. I had a healthy kid. I had parents that loved me, but I mean, that's what I was doing. I was going and I was just getting like completely blacked out. And at this one point, one of my friends, who was a little bit older than me, we had been friends for years. He was going to East Carolina. He invited me up to like see the college and to stay a weekend. There was like a party going on. He was like, I want you to come up. So I come up and I'm 16 at this point. My parents are at the beach, and I get so blacked out that I'm unconscious and they think that I'm dead. And no, oh, the people the people at the party. Yeah. And so they call the ambulance and I get taken to the hospital in an ambulance, had to get my stomach pumped. And since I was a minor, they wouldn't release me. So they had to call my parents. They're trying to get my parents are hours away. I'm in Greenville. My parents are like three hours away. And I got an underage drinking ticket. And so this sent me into now I have to go see a mental health specialist. Now I have to do community service. I'm volunteering at the Salvation Army. And my parents have to be present because I'm a minor, even though I'm a mom, you know, I have an almost three-year-old son. I'm a mom. I'm a minor. Here I am. So my mom's with me. And I'm talking about, you know, like, how did I get here? Why did this happen? And the lady was like, I don't know, you seem like you might have bipolar one. Like you, you know, this could be what you're experiencing. Like the reason that you are having these low lows and these high highs where you feel like you're invincible and nothing can happen to you and you're untouchable. Sounds like bipolar. And I had told my mom about that. My mom's like, this is just how they get you in the system. They're trying to medicate you. They're trying to, you know, it's it's not real. It's made up in your head. Like you have nothing to be sad about. You have nothing to be upset about. You're just making up these problems in your head. There's nothing wrong. And they're just trying to put you on pills. They're trying to put you on medication. So I didn't go back to see therapy. I didn't go back to, I just wow. I, yeah, that was the first time I got diagnosed with bipolar one. And it wasn't an official diagnosis because I never went back. After I got cleared, and she was like, I think that you should be in therapy. I think that you should be doing this. It was clean slate. I pretended like that lady was crazy and that she had no idea what she was talking about.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

You were just doing everything anything you can to survive. Yeah. And yet no one around you saw that. Here was somebody that that was uh throwing out a life lifeline, you know, like maybe it's this that you know that you can like, okay, this now this makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

Hindsight, do you think you may have been dealing with postpartum depression? I definitely think I could have. It's hard at that, you know, at that age.

SPEAKER_03 13:12

It's yeah, I definitely think that I could have been. I didn't experience any postpartum with my daughter. So I I don't really have anything to like compare it to. Yeah. And I feel like my days, like right after having my son, were like pretty bright. Yeah. But I think that after I became a teen mom so young, it was like like nothing made sense anymore. Like I'm 15, I'm 16, I'm 17, I have this older kid. None of the people that are my age can relate. None of these parents want their kids to be around me. It's an isolating feeling. Yeah. And so I started hanging out with people who were a lot older than me. And that was a whole nother problem within itself. I was hanging out with like people that were 25 my age now when I was 16. And I would never hang out with this extreme. Right.

SPEAKER_02 13:57

Like thinking about that. Now you're like, as that person that's that age, yeah, what would I have in common?

SPEAKER_03 14:04

Yeah. Right. And but I also would lie about my age because I wanted friends. Yeah, sure. So I'd say I'm older.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

And you're experiencing different things in life too that they just don't assume that someone that young would be.

SPEAKER_03 14:13

Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

How did being a teen mom plus also having bipolar kind of affect just how, you know, your identity, how you feel about yourself, and how you just kind of, you know, approached your own feelings of self-worth?

SPEAKER_03 14:30

I'm on one end of the spectrum or the other, still to this day. I either think that I am the best thing that has ever walked on water, like, you know, I'm literally Jesus reincarnated. Or I hate myself. Yeah. And I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything that I do is just like shit, you know. There are times where I'm just like, oh my God, like I'm amazing. Like I'm perfect, you know? So I yeah, I feel like it's like with, and I think that's a part of the disorder itself, is that you know, and I've learned how to deal with that. Like nowadays, when I get up in my head and I'm like, oh my God, like I'm just a mess up, dude. It's like, well, no, you're not. You remember whenever you felt so good about yourself? So I've learned to balance that now. But even growing up, I mean, it was hard because I would get so low about myself and like just like hate everything about I start nitpicking my entire body. Like, why are my thighs this way? Why does my stomach look like this? Why, why does my hair not look like her? Like, I would compare myself to everybody and then also just be envious of the people who were living a normal life who it seemed like it was just so easy for them. Like you made friends and you just went through high school, and like here I am, like working at 14 years old to like pay for daycare. And like, I feel like I'm just now starting to like accept and like love who I am with like all of my past.

SPEAKER_00 15:43

Yeah. The mental health journey uh was gonna come later. The substance use. So, like, what was there a moment that you like told yourself that enough's enough?

SPEAKER_03 15:55

There were times when I was like 16, you know, I had my own car and and I didn't have my kid to where like I would find myself in the back of some 30-year-old cocaine dealer's car and I'm doing lines of coke with people I don't know. Now, looking back at that, I'm like, I could have died, and they would have, you know, and yeah, there was a pivotal point. I I feel like it was when I was 16 and I just got completely wrapped up in that that life. Like all I would do was, you know, take care of my kid, and then I'm with my friends getting fucked up. Whether I'm drinking, whether I'm, you know, doing Molly, doing Coke, I'm doing Zans, I'm blacking out behind the wheel with my friends in the car. I was just so deep in anything and everything that I could get my hands on. I don't know what I was like running from. Truly, like looking back to that, I just don't understand how I had gotten so deep in that at 16 years old. And I think for me, it was like when I realized, okay, I need to do something because this is my whole life. I work, I take care of my kid, and I get fucked up. And this isn't what I want for myself. So uh I had ended up joining the military when I was 17. My parents knew I was like really down bad. I mean, they were very disappointed in me and they that, but there was nothing that they could do, you know? And I had told my parents at 17, like, I want to join the army.

unknown 17:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:12

And they signed their rights over to the military and let me join because I graduated a year early. Um, and I thought that that was gonna be my fix-all. Like, you know, I'm gonna get myself whipped into shape, and then substance abuse just followed me into the military.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

You graduated from high school early. Mm-hmm. After all you just said and told us you still graduated from high school early.

SPEAKER_03 17:33

Yeah, a year early. That's awesome. That's what people like That's amazing. People don't think that you can be functioning, but you can. You can do everything that you're supposed to be doing, and you can show up in every single way and still be like, I would literally be so high on acid just doing school papers, tripping balls in my room, like looking at my walls and looking at shapes and color change, and be doing a paper.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

How'd you do on those papers? What was that grade? Probably not the best. Like it's like Pew. I'm killing it, I'm killing it. This is gonna be the next like major textbook everyone's gonna have to read. And then someone's like, These are like nine lines of scribbles. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 18:11

Yeah, graduating early and I still got the navel piercing. So they're so there, world. Yeah. Ma'am, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:16

Well, I have to give props to my dad too. My dad, he was a college professor and he was a college coach, and so he helped me a lot. And if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have been able to. I was full in my substance abuse while also, you know, working, being a mom, and uh graduating. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

Just going back to the to the bipolar suggestion from the therapist, even though everyone around you was saying that and I you don't have that, what were you thinking? Did you understand what that was? Did you uh want to learn more? Uh like how did that affect you?

SPEAKER_03 18:51

Like For me, when they had explained what it was, it really resonated with me because how did they explain that?

SPEAKER_00 18:57

What did they say?

SPEAKER_03 18:58

That you have like two ends of the spectrum, and there's not really that much of a medium of it. I think that there's like two types. So there's bipolar one and there's bipolar two.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Sure.

SPEAKER_03 19:08

Bipolar one is you have high highs of extreme mania and then extremely low lows that last an extended like a certain amount of time. I can't remember how long it's supposed to last, but they tell you like when you're at the psychiatrist. And um, I can't remember exactly how long it is. And take notes. Yeah. But and then bipolar two is you have hypomania, and then you have the lows, but it's not as severe, or you're you're mainly depressed with bipolar two, I think. Like you're mainly depressed. Bipolar one is you're more like you're going back and forth. So that really resonated with me when she said that because you know, I'm either extremely low, like, you know, on the verge of like wanting to literally end my life, or I'm, you know, extremely high thinking I'm Jesus, you know?

SPEAKER_01 19:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:57

Um, so there's no like in between for that. So that's how, but and then another reason why it resonated was because after I had told that and my mom had dismissed all of those, you know, claims, I had gone to my grandmother, who I'm really close with, and I had told her, and she said, I think that that's what my mom had. And my grandmother's mom actually ended up jumping off of a bridge or off of a building in France when she was growing up and committed suicide because she had so many untreated mental health conditions when that wasn't even a thing. And she was like, that kind of stuff does run in our family, you know.

SPEAKER_02 20:29

Is that the first time you learned that um any type of mental illness ran in your family?

SPEAKER_03 20:34

I knew my grandma had some severe depression problems because she had been like had to get help for that at one point after she lost her husband because it got really, really bad. And my mom had told me that my grandma had some mental health concerns at some points. But that was the first time that I was realizing, like, oh, it is real. Like, I'm not just crazy.

SPEAKER_00 20:55

I think uh a lot of times and and of course you were wrong, like your whole life up to this point, people were telling you to change your behavior. Now you have this reason for it. I mean, did you did you see that that difference?

SPEAKER_03 21:11

Yeah, I I definitely do. I I feel the I see the reasoning in it, but I also like whenever I think about me having bipolar too much, I start to make excuses for myself. And so I try to like I'm like, okay, yeah, there is a reason why I act like this, but it doesn't excuse all my actions.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

Like, okay.

SPEAKER_03 21:26

So that's how I look at it, at least, because you know, I can be really fucking mean. I can be really mean. And so just because I'm irritated and irritable in that moment and I react away, it doesn't mean like, well, I'm bipolar, like get over it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And I feel like I was making excuses like that for myself for a while. So I try to find, you know, okay, there is a reason that I'm like this, but we need to learn to manage that rather than make excuses for that. Right.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

You had mentioned before, like um, when the doctors, like, you know, it if you experience this like high highs and low lows, what are some of the other things that they express? Like these are common traits.

SPEAKER_03 22:00

For people with bipolar erratic behaviors, like especially like with mania, the things that I have gotten myself into when I feel like I'm the pot as shit. I mean, I've gone to jail two times. And I do believe that both of the times that I went to jail, I was like in a manic episode. I can't recall all of the events. And I feel like when I'm in a state of mania, I almost like reach a blackout at some point where I'm just doing, I'm doing, I'm doing. I'm not sleeping. I'm not really eating. I'm just doing. I have all these ideas, and I'm just like, I can sit up for days straight working on a project, a new project, a new business idea, a new something. Oh, now I'm painting walls in my house. Now, so it's like I can kind of feel when I'm manic. And that was one of the things that she said. She's like, Do you sleep? And I'm like, no. Like, I literally have times, or I have times where I cannot get out of the bed.

SPEAKER_02 22:49

What's it like coming out of those episodes? It's like a crash.

SPEAKER_03 22:52

It's literally like uh you're going, going, going for like two weeks, sleeping like three hours a night, or like not at all. And it's like the best thing that's ever. You're getting so much done, you're so productive. And then you just are like, it hits you, and you just start to go down, and you're like, I can't do anything like at all. I'm debilitated, like completely debilitated.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Yeah. How do you go forward? Because you're thinking about what you've just done in the past. Yeah. And how do you go forward?

SPEAKER_03 23:18

Like it's almost like over it's just overwhelming. It's like, now I'm halfway through all these projects and I have no energy for anything anymore, and I can't do anything, and I just feel stuck, and I just feel like I'm You get that paralysis where you now see all this stuff, and it's just like I don't know what to do for me. And it's the most weird feeling ever because I realize now that if I just like start doing one thing, then I can start doing more things. But it's like in the moment, I will literally feel like I can't do anything because there's too much. And it's just like a weight is on me, and I'm like, I can't, but then I like start doing the dishes, and I'm like, okay, well, I just did that in 10 minutes.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:53

So it's like I can do more.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

I get that with like ADHD paralysis, especially at work. It's like, I know all of the tasks, I'm looking at all of them. I could sit there and just stare at it, and it's like the execution part, the starting.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

There's tools that we learn to cope with these things, and you sound like you were building those, but like, did you figure that out on your own? Did you have help?

SPEAKER_03 24:13

Like I was on stereo quilt for a while, and that made me sleep. What is that for? What is that used for? I think it's for bipolar, but it's also like a sleep, they give it for sleep too. And I was on that for a while because that's what was recommended to me. I gained like 60 pounds. Um, I was sleeping great though, and it made it turned me into a zombie, like it turned me into a hormonal monster. And even though my sleep was good, it like it made everything else out of whack. So then I got off of that. I was on abilify for a while. And then that too was just like all these medications made me personally, and medication is for a lot of people. So I'm not knocking medication. If you need to be medicated, if you need that, do that for you. But for me, I feel like I was unmedicated for so long that when I was trying all of these medications, I felt like I wasn't even human anymore. It was making me think in ways that I've never thought before. It was making me like I just felt like boring.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

Like I'm just like Yes, it's like some of those thoughts that were turned off, some of those thoughts I like, some of those things were fun. Some of that was a core part of my personality that like I really loved. But like the medication part kind of like shuts off. Yeah, I understand that feeling. And it's weird, especially after you've experienced like the the crazy and the beautiful, but also the extreme sad.

SPEAKER_03 25:34

It's like the extremes of it, and then just going to that, like, yeah, it genuinely feels like I've plateaued. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 25:41

You're like, is this what everyone is that why everyone's like this?

SPEAKER_03 25:44

Yeah. It's weird.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

Were you being open about your diagnosis with the people around you? And did that change relationships?

SPEAKER_03 25:52

Yeah. I mean, so I didn't get like actually properly diagnosed with bipolar one until I had gone to jail in Las Vegas. And with that, I wasn't court-ordered to go see a psychiatrist or anything. I was just being charged with felony charges. And so, in the process of all that, I'm like, I either got drugged or there's something extremely wrong with me because I remember nothing that happened. And so I went to substance abuse therapy because I was drinking a lot at the time. And that was like on my own free will. And then I went and started seeing a psychiatrist because, because of that arrest, I had gotten so much hate online. I was literally spiraling. Can you explain what happened with this? Yeah. So I, my husband and I, for our three-year anniversary, we wanted to go to Las Vegas and we wanted to get married, and it was gonna be like we already were married, but we wanted to get married again.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:41

And so we go to Las Vegas, we're staying at this really nice hotel called The Cosmo, the Cosmopolitan, and they have a pool and they have like a pool party pool. It's like a rooftop pool thing.

SPEAKER_01 26:52

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 26:52

Super cool. We ate a huge buffet breakfast in the morning. Love the Vegas buffet. Oh my gosh, it was so good. And so I have a full belly, right? And I'm swimming, and I have two drinks, and I get back in the pool. I don't remember anything else. I wake up, I'm in a straitjacket in jail, screaming at the top of my lungs.

SPEAKER_02 27:12

Okay. Yeah. Wow. Did anyone give you a run through of what happened between that happen in the pool and winding up in a straitjacket?

SPEAKER_03 27:18

The weird thing about it was we go to the bathrooms right before all of this happens and I get back in the pool and I sat my drink down. I am putting on sunscreen because in Vegas they have like the bathroom tendons where you can like buy sunscreen and stuff. And we didn't have any. So we were like, oh, we'll just buy it in the bathroom. So Cody goes in the bathroom, buy sunscreen. I go in the bathroom, buy a sunscreen. These girls start talking to me. And I was already on TikTok at the time. And I had people who had recognized me from TikTok that were there. And I was getting invited to go to all these like different after parties with other couples. And like, it was just crazy. Like how many people were talking to us trying to do stuff with us. And so Cody was distracted by a group of guys. I'm distracted by a group of girls. And all of a sudden, me and Cody are separated. I'm going back into the pool. I have no memory. I have no memory of anything that had happened. And so after we had like kind of looked back at everything, it was a group of girls who were trying to leave with me, saying that I was their friend. And I started freaking out. And the I don't remember any of this, but like a group of girls were trying to leave with me, saying, like, I was their blacked out friend. And I started freaking out on everybody, started trying to fight security, trying to started trying to fight these girls. They called the cops on me, started trying to fight the cops. Now I'm trying to run from the cops. Now I'm getting straight jacketed. Yeah. So so that's a big day. Yeah. And they kept me in there for almost three days in Vegas. Yeah. Didn't want to let me out. Said I was a flight risk. Yeah, I'm going home.

SPEAKER_02 28:47

Yeah. Of course I'm a flight risk. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:53

Oh my gosh. Okay, that's a lot. How do you get back from Vegas? My husband goes cry. They don't even bring me to my court date. They're just trying to hold me for 30 days. Don't even take me because they put me in the psych ward at the jail. And I'm next to somebody who I think is like literally trying to end their life and the cell beside me, banging their head on a wall. I was genuinely like, how am I here right now? That was a lot. And so I finally get bailed out. Um on the strip in Vegas, or I'm on uh not the strip. I got banned from the strip. So my husband had them the whole town. The whole strip banned. They gave me a map and said, do not ever just big poster gabby. Like, don't come back street. I need to call them. It's been like Can I come back? Yeah, it's been like four years. Like, can I come back now? So yeah, it was like Fremont. So we we I get released, and the jail in Vegas is like on the Fremont. Well, yeah, convenience. Yeah, you can literally like see people partying like out your little cell window. It's kind of sick. And like this, like, see, you messed up, now you gotta watch everyone else have. You can hear the music like boom, boom, boom. And you're just like in jail. They comp me in my hotel room in Vegas while it was the jail. Yeah. So I got out of there, and that's whenever I started. Like, I was 21 at the time. Me and my husband, we have four kids together. I'm plastered all over online for being a drunk mess in Vegas fighting cops.

SPEAKER_02 30:18

What's that feel like? What does that feel like? I mean, it's not good, but like I can't even imagine you're 21 people all over that you don't even know are seeing like probably one of the worst things that's happened to you.

SPEAKER_03 30:31

Yeah, one of the first things I had to do when I came back was take my son to a football game. And you know, this is like plastered on the internet. And I just remember like sitting there, like just dying inside. Like, do they know? Did they see that? Like, I I still have like bruises on my arms from handcuffs. Like, here I am, like getting out of jail, like I'm a mom. Like, I it was terrible. Like, it was a very low feeling for sure. It's not as low as the second time, though, because it happened all over again in Nashville.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

This podcast is brought to you by recovery.com. Recovery.com is a place where anyone can find mental health or addiction treatment options specific to them. You can filter by location, price, insurance coverage, therapy type, mental health condition, levels of care, and so much more. Recovery.com is the place to find mental health and addiction treatment for anyone anywhere. You did Vegas part two in Nashville. Absolutely. Not as bad though. Okay, so you you get out of Vegas, you get home, what what happens? Do you go into treatment then?

SPEAKER_03 31:41

Or no, so I come back and I'm just waiting. I'm I get a lawyer. Yeah. You know, I'm fighting felony charges. I'm trying to prove that I I'm innocent. I go and I'm like trying to talk to all these people about like what's going on with me. Like, I don't know how this happened. I don't know if I was drugged. I don't know because they didn't drug test me in jail. I I got drug tested in Vegas as soon as I got out of jail at like this random drug testing center because I was like, there's no way I just don't remember any of this. This is, it's there's no way I have zero recollection of what happened. I start going to a counselor, like a substance abuse counselor, and I'm lying to him about everything. I'm like, no, I don't drink that much. No, I just, you know. So I'm lying to him about everything. Well, he's like, Well, I think you have ADHD and PTSD. Like, that's what it sounds like to me. But I think that you should go see a psychiatrist. So I go to the psychiatrist and I'm telling her about everything, and she's like, Oh no, you have bipolar one. And then that's when everything clicks.

SPEAKER_02 32:39

That one again.

SPEAKER_03 32:39

This is crazy because she was saying the same exact things as that lady was when I was 16. And I'm like, damn, maybe if I would have listened to that lady when I was 16, that would have saved me another like what five years of me wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:54

That's when I formally got diagnosed and started getting treated for it at 21. Wow. After all of that.

SPEAKER_00 33:01

What did that treatment look like? What what did they do?

SPEAKER_03 33:03

First seroquil, then abilify, uh, then rhylar. It starts with the V, but it's Railar.

SPEAKER_00 33:10

Oh, yeah. I've seen that commercial. That uh so what so there's the drugs, there's the medication. What beyond that?

SPEAKER_03 33:18

Like the rest of it's self-taught. You know, you go to a psychiatrist, they give you the medication, they tell you get sleep, eat right, you know, take your meds. I kept going to therapy for a little bit and then I stopped.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

Did was was there ever I'm sorry, was there any uh part in that conversation and they're focused on the bipolar that maybe you should also not be drink you know drinking into the substance use come into that conversation at all?

SPEAKER_03 33:46

So when I first got diagnosed, she asked me, Do I drink or do I smoke? And I was like, Yeah, I'm a stoner, and I drink, and but not that much. Sure. She's like, you shouldn't smoke. Like that can be, you know, with bipolar and you know, it helps some people, but in most cases, I see that it's very negative in reaction. I'm like, yeah, well, I'm not I'm great. Yeah, I'm great. This this is the only thing that helps me. So, you know, then I kept drinking and kept smoking. I mean, yeah, I just kept getting worse. I mean, I would just I kept on doing the things that I normally did. I did stop though. Vegas was enough to scare me to get me sober for almost a year, drinking wise. Oh, dang. Okay. Yeah. Drinking wise. I would still drink, yeah. I would still drink in secret or alone, or you know, like I just wouldn't go out and drink because I couldn't, I would drink by myself, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

Yeah, it does.

SPEAKER_01 34:39

It does.

SPEAKER_03 34:40

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I wouldn't go out so that you know nobody could throw me in jail, but I would drink in private. And then I just started smoking way more weed after that. So yeah, they did tell me, you know, they definitely didn't recommend me keep doing that. And she did recommend me to keep going to like substance abuse counseling. But I was at that point, I was like, I'm cured. Yeah. I know what's wrong with me now. I'm bipolar.

SPEAKER_02 35:02

I'm better than I was like then. Yeah, I'm like, not gonna do that again.

SPEAKER_03 35:05

I'm not gonna do that again.

SPEAKER_02 35:06

But you did. But I did. Okay, so now take us to Nashville.

SPEAKER_03 35:09

What's so this was three years later. So I'm just kind of like living my life the same way that I had been living my life, if that makes any sense. Like after a year or two in the Vegas incident was kind of like on the back burner. Got a little comfortable. I got really comfortable, actually. You know, uh at the time I was running my tie-dye business, and that was built all around smoking weed. So all my employees are stoners. I'm a stoner. I'm doing weed events, I'm a part owner of a hemp company. I'm doing all of these things that are just like surrounded by marijuana. Like it's literally a part of my life. And I'm also starting to drink almost every night again. You know, like I'm if it's not getting blackout drunk, I'm definitely drinking, though. I'm craving a drink. I need a drink. And also, I had to get a dental procedure done where they wanted to like put me to sleep for it. And they're like, if you smoke weed, not accusing you, but if you do, like you have to stop smoking for like three days a week prior. I said, I called them and I tried to turn it around on them and I was like, I don't know, you guys, you're not putting me to sleep. Like, how can we do it without putting me to sleep? Like, and it's all because I didn't want to stop smoking weed.

SPEAKER_01 36:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:14

Cause I was panicking, like, what if I, what if I just lie and say I haven't smoked and then I die on the table or something, and there has to be a reason they're telling me to stop smoking. And that's whenever I started to realize, like, okay, do I have a problem? Like, I'm not even getting high anymore, but I need the weed to function. I'm getting up in the mornings and I'm I have to smoke or I'm sick. I my stomach's turning. I can't, I need hypermesis. Yeah. I need to smoke. And it was like a pain. Like if like I had to do, like it, it I had to do it. That's it.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

Which is interesting because people are like, weed's not addictive. I'm like, it can become addictive, it can become very habitual for people.

SPEAKER_03 36:50

Yeah. And I don't even know if it was like just because it was a part of my routine, but it was like, I was, and it wasn't even like I would get high, I'd be ready for the day, you know. I'm smoking so that I'm ready for the day. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:01

And so you got four kids, for God's sakes. Yeah. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 37:05

Yeah. Yeah. And so I'm carrying a dab pin around. I'm doing edibles 24-7. I'm not even getting high. And now I'm drinking all the time. And it's my 24th birthday last year. I got offered a free stay at an Airbnb because I left a really good review at this Airbnb, and the host was like, we got a new place, has a speakeasy. We'd like to offer you a free stay with your friends. I was like, count me in. I want to go to Nashville. Go to Nashville with my friends. We are drinking, we're throwing it back. We're about to go uh out on Broadway. I'm tore up by the time I get there. Um, but I'm either a really fun time when I'm drunk, or I'm your worst nightmare.

SPEAKER_01 37:44

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 37:44

I'm either the best time you've ever had, or like literally you're running away from me because I'm being insane. And me and my husband had gotten into like some type of argument about something probably so stupid. And he set me off. And so I'm not wanting to talk to him, and I'm talking to my friends. And then all of a sudden I get up from the table because I guess there was something that was said, and a server bumps into me. I don't remember any of this. This is just what my friends had like witnessed, and they saw all of this, and they're like probably like, why are we here with her? But a server had bumped into me, and I was like, What the fuck is wrong with you? And hit her. A server just doing her job at a restaurant. I still can't believe myself. It was terrible. They're just trying to make me leave the restaurant, but instead of just me leaving, like a normal person would be like, you know, I was wrong. I should do that. No, I'm ready to fight everybody. You stood on your business. I was standing on business. Yeah, that's so embarrassing. Just at a wrong time. Like, you can stand on business, just don't do it then. All of my friends are trying to get me to leave. All of my friends, like my friend's boyfriend was like trying to pick me up and take me out. And I'm like, no. Like they want the smoke, they're gonna get it today.

SPEAKER_00 38:55

I didn't get my cheesecake.

SPEAKER_03 38:56

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

Like, that's not really what's going on here.

SPEAKER_03 39:00

This was a little over a year ago. This was worse than Vegas for me because in my brain, I was cured. Yeah. I remember like going to jail in Nashville and just being like, there uh something's gotta give. And still, that wasn't even enough to get me sober right away. Really? Like, I still continue to drink after that and smoke. And then it was just like one day it like it hit, and I I went to actually I went to an AA meeting. Um, I went on Oak Force Recovery's podcast with one of my friends, Rachel. She invited me on. She said, Well, we're having like a fire and we're having like a meeting. And I was like, Okay, cool, let's go. Did not know it was an AA meeting, have never been to an AA meeting in my life. I go and we're like having fun, and there was a speaker, and she starts telling her story about her relationship with alcohol and just substances in general. And it hit me like a pound of bricks. And I was just like, oh my God, I need to stop drinking. Sorry, I'm like literally not about to cry about this, but I like it just hit me like a pound of bricks, and I was like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna do anything. I got so like extremely sick, mainly from like the weed because, or it could have been alcohol too. I was drinking and smoking all the time at that point.

SPEAKER_00 40:11

Did you hear your story in that speaker story, or was it just the whole kind of It was just her talking about how she felt.

SPEAKER_03 40:19

Like all of everything that she was saying, and like it just resonated and it just made me like realize in a different lens and perspective that like, sure, my story might not be the same as like hers or like other people in recovery, and it might not be as bad or somebody else's rock bottom, but my rock bottom looks different than yours, looks different than the next person's. And I felt like in that moment, I was just so lost and confused and like didn't know what to do, didn't know what like where to turn or like anything. And that's what I clung on to was like, I need to get sober. It wasn't easy. Like, I felt like I was almost like living like a lie for a while. Like, am I really like quitting everything and like quitting smoking weed? Like, I felt like I was like had imposter syndrome for a while. Like, oh, I'm just I'm trying to be sober. Like, is that like I'm trying to be cool or something? And then no, I was like, oh no, like after two, three, four months into like, you know, my sobriety, things just started to get clearer and clearer. And like, I don't know if you guys are religious at all, but like my connection with God was back. Like I felt like there was like a line between like me and God again. Like I could feel God and like you're doing like what you're supposed to be doing. And it was an extremely like eye-opening process for me. And now I'm like eight months sober, and it's all because I truly believe it was God's timing for Rachel to be like, Hey, we want to have you on this podcast. Nothing to do with sobriety because I wasn't sober.

SPEAKER_00 41:46

Right.

SPEAKER_03 41:47

She invites me on, and that's what made me sober. And now I'm in a group chat with a bunch of sober women who have like 10 years, eight years, six years, seven years, and those are my people now, you know.

SPEAKER_02 41:59

It does have to be that like one switch. There is something that just hits you that like, I can't do this anymore. And now I also don't want to. Because before it sounded like you were like, I don't want this. I don't want this, but there wasn't that like, we don't want this bad part, but we still want to be able to do the things. And it sounded like at that point you were like, I don't need these things anymore. Yeah. And I don't want the bad part, and I'm ready to completely move forward. What were those first few months like? Did you have lifestyle adjustments? You said your like life was kind of surrounded by you had a business based on it, all your friends and the people that you're around. How did that adjust like, what was that adjustment like?

SPEAKER_03 42:37

I think subconsciously I knew that I wanted to get sober because in June, so like right before I go on this podcast, I had made the decision that I wanted to close my store down. And I think that that was because I was like preparing for like my self-healing, and I knew that there was no way in hell that I was going to be able to get any better myself if I'm constantly wrapped up in the same stuff every single day, the same lifestyle changes. Yeah. So I pretty much had to close completely, I went back down to like rock bottom, pretty much. Like shed everything starting in like summer of last year. My employees, they got other jobs. My mother-in-law, who was working for me full-time, she went back to work. And I was just sitting with myself for like months. I just started to figure out who I was again. And I it felt like I was like literally nothing. Like I was a shell of a person who had like no dreams, no ambitions, no, I couldn't figure out what it was that I wanted to do or like how I felt about any of it. Like I felt like I was making the right choice by being sober and it felt good. But like I felt like I had imposter syndrome and I'm like living a life of lies. And after like six months, I started to like it was like getting clearer and clearer. Yeah, I started tie-dying again and then I started picking up my business again. Now I'm reopening again. So it's like I had to take everything down to nothing and go. All the way back down to rock bottom and shed everything, get rid of everything, and get it all away from me in order to like heal myself to be ready to come back a better version of myself, if that makes any sense.

SPEAKER_02 44:10

It absolutely does.

SPEAKER_00 44:12

And it's really neat that you went back to the tie-dye because you na now you're doing something you love and uh good at, but you've taken this other piece of it, uh you know, the the getting high and the and the substance use out of it, and that's still there. Was that frightening? You know, that I I'm gonna do this. Yeah, but I'm yeah, I'm not gonna do it with the with with weed.

SPEAKER_03 44:33

Yeah, it was uh I still get like people who were obviously like follow followed me when I was doing that. They're like, Are you gonna come to Dank Girls this year? And I'm like, no, I don't think I can like hang with y'all. Not that I don't love them still, I love them. I don't think that I'm at that point in my life yet to where I would be like comfortable enough to like be around people who are just stoned all day because like then I'd just be like sick. So much fun. Yeah. Literally, why am I here? Yeah. So I think I need a little bit more time for that. But yeah, it just like hit me and it was I need to start tie-dyeing again, and that's what you know was meant to do. And then I started having dreams about doing tie-dye again. I was like, I'm gonna pick up this dang die and I'm gonna start doing this again. Yeah, it's your therapy.

SPEAKER_00 45:14

What what what is it that got you over the fear and that imposter syndrome? Was it the tie-dye or was it something else?

SPEAKER_03 45:21

Time.

SPEAKER_00 45:22

Time.

SPEAKER_03 45:22

Yeah, yeah. I needed time. I needed time to sit in my self-sorrow, my pity, my feeling sorry for myself. Everybody wants it overnight, me included. I want it overnight. I want it right now, but it doesn't work that way. You have to give yourself like, I feel like getting sober and like recovery is like stages of grief too. Yeah. Like you're like mourning this old version of yourself that you still love and like you thought was so fun. And like you're mourning this like old person that you love still, but it's like it's time to let them go, you know? And it's time you can tra cherish the memories that you had as that version of yourself, but still choose to be a better person.

SPEAKER_00 46:02

Realization that time, yes, but not my time. I can't control that.

SPEAKER_01 46:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:08

I have to let it you went to this life, this lifetime of of I've gotta manage this and I gotta be this. And when you say time now, it's a it's different.

SPEAKER_03 46:18

I was going, and when I first got sober, I was like going, going, going, going, like trying to figure out like what do I need to be doing now? What do I need to be doing now? I can't figure out what to do. I I I don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_02 46:27

Like I just always rushing to get to the next thing that you think is that pivot point.

SPEAKER_03 46:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:32

Hitting these dots.

SPEAKER_03 46:33

And then I just started to like, after about a month of just like spiraling and hating myself, I just was like, okay, let's just take this day by day. Let's just wake up and do something that makes me happy today and like that makes my kids happy. That's like being, you know, better. Like I started taking better care of myself, you know, like make doing my hair. I used to just be like a garbage panda. Like I would just, you know, eat whatever. Then I started focusing on better foods. Yeah. Like focusing on better foods that I'm eating, like making sure I'm actually taking care of myself because that's something I never really did, you know?

SPEAKER_00 47:06

Let me go back to just the the bipolar thing. How has that reshaped your kind of idea of recovery? Like I it sounds like now they're they're connected. You're taking care of both.

SPEAKER_03 47:20

Yeah. I just try to I've been really trying to get to know myself and like what my boundaries are. And like if I start to get upset about something or if I can feel like the bipolar creeping in, like to make myself self-aware about it. Like, okay, I'm feeling this way because like I'm bipolar, but like you can't be crazy towards everybody, you can't lash out at people. Like, so I've been really taking like time, I just kind of remove myself more now. And I I try to not in an isolating way, right?

SPEAKER_01 47:49

Like, right.

SPEAKER_03 47:49

I try to really like think before I do now. Yes. And that's something I never had self-control before like before before.

SPEAKER_02 47:56

The way you talk about things, like you've definitely done some work. So where, yeah. So like where where did this come from? Like, was this, did you like go to treatment? Have you seen a therapist to learn these tools? Also, like, what tools have you learned to help manage this? Cause like you the way you're speaking about it, you process this so well. You've got tools. Yeah. So, like, where is that?

SPEAKER_01 48:16

You definitely have tools. What are those?

SPEAKER_03 48:18

So I have been to therapy, and you know, I have been to substance abuse, but it's nothing that's consistent. So I'm not like in therapy, like so to this day. Yeah. My friend Meg, she always tells me, like, you need to go back to therapy every time I start talking crazy, and I'm like, I think I've got this, but I should. I think everybody should have somebody to talk to, truly. So I I myself do want to go back. But these are all just things that I like have learned from my failures. Yeah. I will mess up and I will ruin a relationship or ruin a friendship or make somebody upset or, you know, ruin an opportunity for myself or get thrown in jail or like whatever the case may be. And then I take time to like reflect on it. Like it's all about taking the time to like reflect on your actions and kind of look at the bigger picture of things. But yeah, these tools are just things that I've like learned through my failures, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 49:05

Well, one of the tools you mentioned, like I one of my favorite sayings is we tell our stories because we don't heal in isolation. Yeah. And you've got, you started your women's group, you've got, you know, uh social media. So you're finding that connection. Uh is that is that healing?

SPEAKER_03 49:23

There's always gonna be the people who have something negative to say and who won't who will do everything that they can to not understand you, right? And so I have just learned that even if I share my story and five people call me stupid and a liar or whatever, and five people are like, wow, this really helped me. You still help five people. Even if it's one person out of nine people who are telling you that you suck. Sharing your story and sharing what you've been through, it can be like embarrassing and make you feel vulnerable and make you feel violated. That's just something that like I've just ate over the past, like however long I've been doing social media because being vulnerable and sharing your story and sharing what you've been through, you have no idea who that could impact. Somebody who's never going to open up, who's never going to share just because that's not in their personality, you know? But if you can do it and you can share, you have no idea the connections that you're gonna make, the friends you're gonna make, the people you're gonna impact.

SPEAKER_00 50:19

Yeah, and we're you're doing that you know right now and every every time. But I I also see somebody that's also healing just right now, even though from when you came in here to right now, is like uh uh it's a healing process. You're always healing.

SPEAKER_03 50:35

Healing, not healed.

SPEAKER_00 50:36

Yeah, yes. Well, but and it shows, you know. Yeah, you're almost a year sober, uh, you're you know, you're working, you know, recovery program, you're doing what's on the horizon? What's like what's next?

SPEAKER_03 50:50

On the horizon, I don't know. Uh I I just am letting life kind of take me right now.

SPEAKER_00 50:56

That's the best answer.

SPEAKER_03 50:57

Yeah, like that. I have a lot of dreams. I I just don't want to push anything. Like, truly, and if you're religious, I mean you can believe it or not, but like I truly like am trusting like God and like the universe to like guide me to where everything that I've been doing in the past eight months has like truly been like led by God. And I just got one of like the biggest opportunities of my life because I started tie-dying again. Yeah, and I'm closing one of the biggest opportunities and partnerships that I've ever had. Like, I can't really talk much about it because I'm under an NDA. Thank you. But like, and that's all because like I just trusted like God, you know? And so now I'm like having all of these opportunities that are present, including coming on this podcast today. I wouldn't be here if I didn't choose to make the changes in my life. Of course. Yeah. And now I just feel like I'm just letting God like lead me to where I'm gonna be next. You gave him the wheel and now you're a passenger princess. Yes, for real. Yeah, I'm the passenger princess. Oh, I love that for you.

SPEAKER_00 51:58

How do we how do we get more? How do we get more?

SPEAKER_03 52:01

So my TikTok is at BBY E-G-A-N, Baby Egan. I know it's spelled a little bit weird, but and then Sam Baby Egan on all platforms, Gabby Egan. If you Google Gabby Egan, my mug shot might come up, and then you'll be able to find me from there. Yeah. Just search for the face. Yeah, just search for the face. Yeah, yes. Yeah, my hair looks way better than my mug shots, though.

SPEAKER_02 52:22

I love your hair.

SPEAKER_00 52:23

Oh, man. Hair always looks better. Stay just like that.

SPEAKER_02 52:27

Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming. This has been absolutely amazing. I have loved learning about your recovery journey, and I cannot wait to hear what everything has in store for you. And thank you all for joining us for an episode of Recovery Cast. Have a wonderful rest of your day.