Caitlyn Boardman | From Alcoholism, BPD & Eating Disorder to Sobriety, Meditation & Therapy

Trigger Warning:
In this episode, we talk about experiences of abuse and self-harm. These topics can be difficult to hear, so please take care of yourself and listen at your own pace. If you or someone you know needs immediate support, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline anytime.

Caitlyn Boardman shares a mental health & addiction recovery story of early alcohol use, adoption trauma from South Korea, BPD symptoms, an eating disorder, and self-harm—and how she got sober in 2021 after cops were called, then rebuilt through fitness, meditation, and self-compassion. A candid look at relapse, motherhood, and staying sober with boundaries and breathwork.

Explore addiction and mental health treatment options: https://recovery.com

Connect with Caitlyn: https://www.instagram.com/caitlynbayybee/, https://www.tiktok.com/@madeinkoreaxo

Key talking points:
1. Caitlyn began drinking alone in middle school, hiding alcohol in her closet.
2. As a South Korean adoptee with early foster care, she later recognized adoption trauma and cultural isolation.
3. Home life lacked emotional safety; her father died when she was six and grief went largely unprocessed.
4. She developed alcohol addiction alongside BPD symptoms, self-harm, and an eating disorder with body dysmorphia.
5. Drinking escalated after her third child (2016), leading to job loss risks and blackout episodes.
6. A CPS scare after police calls pushed her to get sober in 2021 without rehab, leaning on her kids as motivation.
7. She rebuilt through meditation, breathwork, fitness (from “skinny” to strong), and strict social boundaries.
8. In early 2024 she relapsed in Seattle after being served real beer as “NA,” then drank for three days and stopped.
9. Sharing the relapse online brought empathy and community, reinforcing a no-shame, start-again recovery mindset.
10. Her message: persistence over perfection—relapse is a detour, not a dead end, and sobriety makes presence possible.

00:00 Early Memories of Alcohol
00:26 Introduction to Recovery Cast
00:39 Caitlyn's Background and Struggles
02:07 Childhood and Adoption
05:29 Early Alcohol Use
06:59 Battling Eating Disorders
09:36 Struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder
12:54 Path to Sobriety
16:04 Maintaining Sobriety and Fitness
19:54 Sharing the Sobriety Journey
20:24 Opening Up on Social Media
21:05 A Relapse Story
23:00 Support and Recovery
24:17 Coping with Loss and Staying Sober
25:30 The Aftermath of Relapse
32:39 Struggles with Body Image
35:17 Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
37:48 Encouragement for Those Struggling
39:10 Final Thoughts and Social Media Handles

#addictionrecovery #bpd #eatingdisorders

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I do remember drinking at an early age because my mom had alcohol in the house all the time. I remember being in middle school drinking. Were you drinking by yourself? Yeah. Okay. Because I remember I would take alcohol from my mom, I'd put it in water bottles and stuff it in my closet. Like my friends used to joke around like they'd be like, oh, you're the girl with the alcohol in your closet. And I'm like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

Hi everyone, and welcome to Recovery Cast. This is the podcast where we share real and authentic stories about mental health and addiction recovery. I'm Brittany Baynard, and today our guest Caitlin is here with us. Thanks so much for joining. Thank you for having me. Caitlin is an online mental health and sobriety advocate who's walked through addiction, bipolar disorder, and eating disorder, and the grief of losing both her adoptive parents. After surviving relapse, divorce, and toxic relationships, she has rebuilt her life through recovery, fitness, and self-compassion. Today, she shares her journey with honesty and hope, showing that healing isn't about perfection, it's about persistence. Caitlin, welcome to the podcast. We're very happy to have you here. And before we dive into your story, if there's something that people are watching could grab from this, what would that be?

SPEAKER_03 1:13

Just to not give up hope. And that, you know, despite all the things life throws at you, you know, just that there is hope on the other side, even when it feels like there is none at all. Because I've been in such a dark place. I've been like that in that area of my life where I'm like, things will never get better. I'll never be happy. And that's why I kept drinking. I was like, I feel like I'm meant to suffer. So that's why I drank. I was like, I feel like I'm just not meant to be happy. You know, it was just rough for a long time. And then, but I didn't give up. I feel like some part of me deep down knew that there I was meant to be happy and that there is happiness on the other side. So I didn't give up. I just I kept fighting every day, kept showing up until one day I was like, I'm sober. Yeah, you show up for yourself.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

I love that. I apologize for a while. I really love your content, and your story is one of persistence and resilience. And I really appreciate it. I appreciate your vulnerability and how much you share. Tell us a little bit about your childhood. Um, what was it like growing up? What was your experience uh being an adoptee from South Korea?

SPEAKER_03 2:14

It's funny because for the longest time, people were like, Did it affect you? And I was like, No, no, like it's fine. Like I knew my whole life. You never know, yeah. Yeah. Until like I reached adulthood. And then I was like, you know what? I think this is affecting me because you know, like I have mental health issues, and I think a lot of that stems from being adopted. And when I recently went into therapy, she was like, You're adopted, but where were you the first four months of your life? And I was like, No one has ever asked me that. And like I I didn't know, yeah. But I I found out like I have a huge adoption folder, it's like that big, and I found out I was put in a foster home for like four months of my life, so that was really hard. And I was like, you know, and she's like, that's where all your trust issues stem from, being torn up from like the person you were inside for nine months, right?

SPEAKER_02 3:00

It's a lot. And did you get like therapy when you were younger? Was any of it? Yeah, no. So you were kind of just like not realizing something as a trauma or ongoing, and it doesn't feel like it because it's not like direct, but it's indirect because what was the racial makeup of your adaptive family? Like, yeah. So regardless of like love, and you can grow up in an environment at such a young age, but like culturally, there's just certain things that you relate to and that your soul like connects to that I feel like some of us aren't aware of. Like, I didn't grow up with a lot of like people that look like me in my community. I feel like it didn't. I was like, that doesn't affect me, I'm fine. And it wasn't until I got around people around me, I was like, oh my gosh, my soul has been like yearning for this like certain type of connection that I just wasn't getting fulfilled with elsewhere. Yeah. So even though you didn't feel like there was something like trauma about it, did you feel a certain type of way as a kid? Like, what were what were your internal feelings just about your experience in life?

SPEAKER_03 3:57

It's a tough question because I had a weird relationship with my adoptive mom. Yeah. Like we were close when I was a kid, but we it was close, like we did a lot of things. But emotionally we didn't have like a deep connection, I feel like. Yeah. It was weird, you know, we weren't the type to hug. We didn't say I love you. Like it was that kind of relationship. And then with my brother, he's also adopted and we're not biological, but he was also, he did a lot of stuff that was just traumatizing. So it's just growing up, I didn't really I felt like I was alone because my mom also worked all the time. So like I remember just being home alone. And then my dad, he had cancer when I was like young. So I remember taking care of him. So it's just it was there's a lot that plays into how I feel because I feel like so passed away when you were really young as well.

SPEAKER_02 4:41

Yeah. How old were you? Six uh six years old. Wow. What then happens with like the family dynamic?

SPEAKER_03 4:48

When he died, I remember running away. Like I ran away like as a kid. I was just really upset, and my mom she let me cry, but you know, then it was just we never really talked about it.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:00

And I feel like, and it's not against her, you know. People do the best they can in those ways. Exactly. And from based on how her relationship was with her mom, I could tell she didn't get that either. Yeah. So it just it really showed up in, you know, her and I. But with my kids, when my mom died, I was like, let's cry it out. Yeah, like I was very open with them. I was like, we need to talk about it. So it just it was hard. And my brother was close with my dad. So I feel like we all just suffered in silence.

SPEAKER_02 5:27

Yeah, no, that's really tough.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:29

Um, at what age did you first start experimenting with alcohol?

SPEAKER_03 5:34

Really early. I'd say 13.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

Oh, okay. Um, so this stuff's kind of building up inside. Okay, so you're 13 years old. What's that first experience with alcohol like?

SPEAKER_03 5:43

I honestly can't even remember. Like a lot of my childhood is blacked out or blocked out, whatever. Yeah. But I do remember drinking at an early age because my mom had alcohol in the house all the time. I remember being in middle school drinking, but like my first experience with it, I can't tell. I think I got, I'm pretty sure I got really drunk.

SPEAKER_02 6:00

Yeah. So was it beyond like social? It wasn't even social at that point. Were you drinking by yourself?

SPEAKER_03 6:05

Yeah. Okay. Because I remember I would take alcohol from my mom, I'd put it in water bottles and stuff it in my closet. Like my friends used to joke around, like they'd be like, Oh, you're the girl with the alcohol in your closet. And I'm like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

Oh god, yeah, yeah. I know that used to be really cool in like middle school and high school. I was like, Oh my gosh, how do you have that Fleischmann's background? Right. That's tough though. Like hindsight when you think about it, like that's a kid. That's a kid really struggling, grabbing for alcohol and substance to try and numb that. That's extremely tough. Um, did you have like adults around you outside of like your family members that noticed anything? No. No? How were you in school? Troublemaker. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:45

I was a troublemaker. Like the person I was back then is like completely different.

SPEAKER_02 6:49

Yeah. I feel you on that one. Uh, sometimes I'll see people just be like, sorry, sorry about that. Sorry. I'm different now. That wasn't me. I don't know who that was. You've been really open about battling eating disorders too, alongside addiction. Can you open up about that and when that kind of uh started for you?

SPEAKER_03 7:07

Because I've always been really skinny my whole life. And so I think it really showed up after I had my kids. Okay. Um, I gained a lot of weight after my first one. And then with my second, I was like, I'm gonna go in the gym. I'm gonna like work out to be skinny and while pregnant or afterwards? Afterwards. With my first, like I said, I gained a lot of weight. Second, I was like, I think before I got pregnant with my second, I started to go in the gym, but then I got pregnant. So then I had to take a break. So then after that, I was like, I'm gonna, I don't like how much weight I've gained. So then I was like, I'm gonna go in the gym, and I worked out to be, like I said, skinny. Yeah. Um, I stopped eating butter. I stopped putting seasonings on my stuff. Like, yeah, it was pretty bad where I was like scared of carbs, all this stuff. I remember being like 98 pounds, and I used to think like I was overweight. Yeah. Like I remember seeing pictures of me like super skinny, and I remember thinking in those pictures I was overweight. Like it was really bad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:03

How old were you when you had your first child? 18. 18. At that time, you were you still struggling with alcoholism?

SPEAKER_03 8:11

Not really.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

Because I remember you just get busy taking care of anything too. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So um, and then so after you have your first child, what then so you like you are you taking a break? Is your alcoholism kind of like slowing down? How does it then progress to something where you're like, I this needs to stop? This is like this is too much.

SPEAKER_03 8:33

So with my first and my second, um, I feel like I didn't really have too many issues just because I was I had them back to back. Yeah. So it was when I had my third that it like started up again and it got really bad because I was having issues with their dad. And it was just we we split up and it was a really nasty breakup, and I remember drinking all the time. And it got to the point where I even moved out of the house and I was just drinking all the time. I remember living with my friend at the time, and I was just drinking all day, like every day.

SPEAKER_02 9:05

That's tough too, especially when you're going through relationship stuff. Yeah. Um and were you then sharing custody? I don't have like a custody agreement. Yeah, it was just they're like times you're by yourself. Yeah, that was that's what I mean. That's I think is a or just any parent, that's like extremely hard, especially like the first like getting used to that. Yeah. Especially when you're struggling mentally, because I'm I don't know, for me, that was kind of like the thing that like kept me together at times. Like when I had my kids, I was like always gonna be like with it and together for the most part. Um, so alongside with dealing with alcohol and eating disorder, then you're also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. How is all of that like affecting your day-to-day life? And also when did you is that something you noticed, or you're going in and they're like, I think this might be something you're struggling with.

SPEAKER_03 9:55

I've always felt like something was off about me my whole life, you know, just because I have really bad mood swings. And so I remember I was like, I need to, I I need to go see a psychiatrist.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:04

And so I went, I talked to her about how I was feeling, like all the things I go through. She's like, you know what? It sounds like you have um BPD. And I was like, okay. And so then I dealt with that, tried to get on medication, and it didn't really work. I remember getting sick from the medication, so I stopped taking it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it's hard though. Yeah, I it shows up. And sometimes I'm like, I go through periods where I'm like, maybe I don't have it. I feel normal again. But then things happened, I'm like, nope, I have it.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Yeah. When you were talking to the clinician, what were some of the things that came up or that they said to you that were like, I think this is attributing to the borderline personality disorder?

SPEAKER_03 10:44

Just trauma.

SPEAKER_02 10:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

And, you know, all the things that like I told her I was like, I have really bad mood swings, you know, I self-harm, um, the drinking, the there's just a lot of it, you know, but it just stems from all the trauma and all the stuff that I've been through. Because I think that's the thing with borderline is that you don't, it's not genetics, it you get it from trauma.

SPEAKER_02 11:06

So after you had your third child, it starts to pick up a bit. What is the day-to-day like when you're struggling then? Oh man, that was rough.

SPEAKER_03 11:17

I remember I was drinking and when I had after my third child, when I was going through it, I started because when I self-harmed, I used to always, you know, cut. Yeah, when did you start doing that? When I was in middle school. Okay. Yeah. And so after my third, I stopped cutting myself and I started hitting myself.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 11:38

So I remember I would bruise myself. I had I remember I have a picture of myself with a black eye. I did that to myself, you know, like I would punch myself. It just it was really bad. And it's just when alcohol is involved with my mental health, that's the kind of stuff I would do.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

When it comes to the separate things of eating disorder and self-harm, hindsight outside of like the trauma, do you know what some of the triggers in those moments that you were dealing with? I really don't know.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

Yeah. If I'm being honest, it just would dating also was a huge factor in it. Um I get attached real easily. And so I remember with after my third, I started like kind of seeing this guy and it didn't end well. And that's when I was also like hurting myself. I don't know. It's not because I want him to stay or anything. I just No, it's a thing of acceptance.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Like it's not that person specifically. Like, if it's not this person, I would have done it with this person that I would have fallen for. Yeah, and it's not until you're outside of that where you realize like it wasn't that person specifically, but like I latched on to that, and that was just gonna be the bad path. Like, yeah, uh-huh. So, how long did this progress then after your third until you're like, I don't I just don't want to do this anymore?

SPEAKER_03 12:54

I had my third in 2016. Um, and I got sober in 2021. Oh, nice. So yeah, so it was just, but those between all those years, it was really bad. Like my drinking was so bad. Are you able to like keep a job or are the people around? No. No, I lost two jobs due to well, I lost one job due to my drinking. I almost lost another job, which if I didn't if my managers at the second job weren't like some of my closest friends, I definitely would have been fired because I got sent home because I was blackout drunk, messed up every tables order. Really? So bad that my friend had to come in and like fix everything.

SPEAKER_02 13:32

I guess it's a lot to want to stop in those moments too. Cause you're sitting there dealing with like embarrassment and shame, but like you have those because you do like it's too much to deal with this stuff if I stop doing these. Yeah. So it's 2021. What what sparks it? The cops being called. Or what?

SPEAKER_03 13:52

What'd you do? I didn't do anything. Um, this was after a month after I had my fourth kid. Um, her dad and I would drink a lot and we'd get the cops called because we would fight. That day we were drinking and he got really drunk. And he won he said something about ramen. I was like, I don't want ramen. For whatever reason, he got really mad at that, started screaming at me, was screaming at me for like three hours to the point where I was crying in my bed, begging him to stop. Yeah. Called his mom, called the cops. Like, the cops were like, listen, if you guys don't get this together, like we're like your lucky CPS isn't getting involved pretty much, type of thing. Yeah. Because my daughter was there when that happened. So, and that's not the first time the cops were called. So Okay, so they were familiar with it. Kind of, I think that was the third time they'd been called because of that stuff. So So, how do you start then your first day of sobriety?

SPEAKER_02 14:47

Like, that's a lot to go through, just be like, you know what? Cause yeah, it and it's always funny when people are like, So it's this thing wasn't anything real big. Like, I mean, somebody could say like the little thing, and it's like, oh, I've been hearing this forever, but it's not till that were like it snapped for me and I chose that at that point. So, what does day one look like for you?

SPEAKER_03 15:04

Like, it wasn't day one that I feel like was the hard part. I feel like it was the days after that. Because the first day I was like, you know, I was still traumatized from that. I was like, you know what? Like, that's fine. Like, I need to stop drinking. I'm tired of this. Like, if I want a relationship with her dad, yeah, like I just need to stop. But it was definitely like the days later where I'm like, it's I miss it. And it was just, it was hard.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

Yeah, it's hard finding things to like fill your time with stuff when it is like, yeah, my head's going places. Did you go to like a treatment facility? No. No. Did you have any therapy at that time? No. That sounds so oh my gosh, that's so scary too. And you you were drinking daily at that point. Yeah. How did your body feel going through that?

SPEAKER_03 15:45

Honestly, it wasn't terrible. Like, I know people get like shivers, they like they go through withdrawals, but I never have. So it's I feel like I got lucky in that. Yeah. If anything, I started craving sweets. Got hungry. I wanted to eat again. Yeah, same. I got like an appetite, like I was eating a lot more, but staying busy helped, you know. Like I jumped into a lot of hobbies. Okay. And was fitness being one of those? Yes, because I well, I've always been like into fitness for like a while. Yeah. But I really took it seriously. Like I was like, all right, I'm gonna go to be strong, not skinny. Yes, eat more. And like now I'm like, I want to say gained 15 pounds.

SPEAKER_02 16:24

Good for you. Yeah, good for you. So how yeah, so you just have like a complete mindset switch then. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Good for you. Kind of just how you said it in the beginning. You feel like you don't deserve to be happy, and it's just this thing that you're gonna keep on doing because your life is like this. And then you just decide one day, like maybe I don't, like maybe I do deserve to be happy. Um, okay, so then you maintain sobriety for years, and then just like the first day is different from that first week. Are you picking up like tools, any things or uh habits that you form that are helping you maintain the sobriety? So meditation helped a lot. Okay. Like just what got you into yeah, how did you pick meditation? Because for me, I'm like, I don't know how to it's too much to sit there. It is, especially when you've got lots of thoughts and trauma. How are you like, I'm gonna sit here with my sober brain with these thoughts?

SPEAKER_03 17:21

Trust me. That's a lot to take off. It is, it's hard. But once like you just have to kind of keep showing up and doing it. And then it's like when you have that breakthrough meditation session, you're like, wow, this is amazing. I literally tell people, I'm like, meditation is like the key to so many things.

SPEAKER_02 17:39

Oh, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_03 17:40

It's like practicing breastwork really helps, like calms you down, even just like day-to-day like things, like you're at the grocery store, someone makes you mad. Like, just just breathe. You crash, oh, you breathe.

SPEAKER_02 17:50

Okay, you don't crash in? Okay, got it. Just making sure. No, I'm gonna breathe. Um, and then with that, like, did you have to do environmental changes, like relationships, stuff like that? Like, how do you change then your day-to-day life of outside factors other than the things you can control? So I stopped going out for a long time.

SPEAKER_03 18:07

Yeah. Because all my friends drank, and I was like, I can't be around that, like it's too soon. Yeah. So I did stop and I lost. I feel like a lot of friends, people stopped inviting me out. Yeah. But then and it hurt. But then I was like, you know what? They weren't my friends in the first place.

SPEAKER_02 18:21

Yeah, it hurts because you're like, it's like the FOMO of it, but then it's like, I mean, really, that person, like, we weren't really hanging out to do anything other than take shots, anyways. Exactly. Um, you've opened up about being in a bit of a toxic marriage that was fueled by substances and a lot of maybe untreated stuff. Um and it eventually ended. Yes. How did that experience like impact your commitment to your sobriety? It was hard.

SPEAKER_03 18:50

It was a struggle. Especially because so what had happened was he he had addiction issues too. You know, he was sober from meth, he was sober from alcohol, or so I thought. Um, but he's just he's mean when he's drunk. So I remember when we did our my we did our one-year um sobriety photo shoot. I had found out later on that he had drank and lied to me about it. So it was just kind of ongoing for years where he lied to me. That was hard to deal with. And I was like, I'm gonna drink so bad because you're just mean. You know, like the harassment. I had to file like a restraining order against him.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

Were you guys both sober in the relationship at the same time or getting sober at the same time? So I thought we were. Yeah. Um, but like entering into the relationship.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

No, we were drunk. Okay. That's how our relationship started was drinking because we started dating when COVID. So all we would do is drink seasons. Just a whole COVID, yeah. So we would drink all day, every day, fight, repeat the process the next day. Yeah. Um, when did you decide to open up about your sobriety journey? Well, I've had TikTok since 2020. And then one day I decided to post like one month sober. Yeah. And then I and then it got like a lot of likes and a lot of comments. So then I was like, you know what, this is kind of cool. Yeah. So then I think I just kind of kept doing it. And then I moved to Instagram. And then on Instagram, I would get a lot of likes too. And so I get messages and I was like, you know what, this is kind of cool. Like in the first month, were you pretty outward with your recovery and sobriety?

SPEAKER_02 20:23

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Was it a lot to share that then with just all the people following you?

SPEAKER_03 20:28

Not really. No. I feel like for which is weird because I'm a private person, like to everyone around me. Yeah. But with social media, I'm like an open book.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

Yeah. I don't know. It's cool. You are. No, I love that. The thing I appreciate though is that you're very open with recovery and sobriety not being like a linear thing. And sometimes when I think about just like this whole um people speaking to the masses about sobriety, I'm like, I feel like that puts a lot of pressure on people because I feel like for some, relapse is just a part of sobriety. And it happens in different situations. Yours was not chosen. You were, if you want to explain the story about what happened earlier this year.

SPEAKER_03 21:09

Yeah. So I had gone to Seattle. I was at like this oyster bar. I was gonna get some food. And I was like, I saw that they had some NA beers on the menu. So I was like, okay, cool. Like, I'll have an NA beer. Um they brought it out, and I never noticed at first how they brought it out in a tech glass. So that should have been the first sign. I didn't, I wasn't thinking about it. Yeah. I didn't, I was just like, maybe they just poured it into this glass. Um, so I took a sip and I was like, this taste, like I know like non alcoholic beer will taste like I think I've had Guinness and that tastes just like a Guinness, like a non alcohol Guinness. So I was like, you know, this tastes pretty strong. Yeah. And that's when I was like, this is kind of weird. But then I was like, you know what? Maybe it's just I'm in a different place. Maybe there's a little different. So I kept drinking it and I remember texting my friends, I was like, I feel really weird right now. I was like, I think. That this beer might be um real beer. And so they're like, we'll just stop drinking it. I was like, no, maybe I'm just tired, you know. And so I kept drinking it and then I had another therapy. I talked to my therapy, my therapist about this. She's like, there's a thing called relapse before you relapse. I I don't know if she called it something, yeah. But she's like, I think you relapse before you relapse. Because if I'm gonna be honest, a month before I went to Seattle and relapsed, I bought a shooter and I had it in my fridge. So I think in my mind I was looking for something. So when this happened, I was like, this is the perfect opportunity. You're justifying in your headlight. Yes. Okay, yeah. So I continued drinking, and by the second one, I was so drunk I couldn't even walk. And I was like, yeah, this was real beer. And then I ended up taking shots with the people that were next to me because I was like, you know what? If I'm already drunk, yeah, I'm just gonna continue this.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

So this podcast is brought to you by recovery.com. Recovery.com is a place where anyone can find mental health or addiction treatment options specific to them. You can filter by location, price, insurance coverage, therapy type, mental health condition, levels of care, and so much more. Recovery.com is the best place to find mental health or addiction treatment for anyone, anywhere. Oh, this I I remember like seeing that online too, and it brought me back to this time when I was serving and it was my first week at this restaurant, and I hit the Long Island iced tea instead of the regular iced tea, and I literally just didn't even think about it that like the bar was gonna give me my drinks. But like this one came out in like a glass one instead of this. But I was like, oh, maybe because it's just got like a special garnish on it. And after I served it to the lady who was there with like a business meeting, she's like, Is this alcoholic? And I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And it's awful. Like, and now I think back on it, I was like, Thank God that woman wasn't sober that I know of at the time, but it's just like those things happen, stuff can happen. We're not all like thinking 24-7 about that. You said that you were having those feelings beforehand that maybe you were like soft launching or getting a little too comfortable getting like the itch. Yeah. But previously, there were, I feel like a lot of really hard circumstances that you went through that you grabbed onto something that kept you from doing that. You had gone through divorce, also your mother passing. I am so, so sorry about that. What did you hang on to in the passing of your mother to keep you from drinking?

SPEAKER_03 24:36

My kids. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I don't know. I just I wanted to be strong for them and, you know, not go down that dark path because when I drink, it's just it's not good. And when I relapse, it really like proves that it will never be good, you know, for me. So, you know, just showing up for my kids every day just really helped a lot because I feel like if I didn't have my kids, I probably would have drunk.

SPEAKER_02 24:59

Yeah, and it sounds like you had a very different or tried to provide a different experience during that loss than maybe you had experienced as a child and that you have those open lines of communication, which I feel like has to be healing to that like child version of you too. It is like I wish I would have had this, but it feels really good to be able to like have those tools from that experience to like give that to my kids while they're going through this. Exactly. That's a huge growth thing. So after the restaurant experience, what happens after that? Do you drink again? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:32

So I remember I woke up in the hospital from that encounter. Yeah. Okay. So I Because it had been years and years. Yeah. And so from what I remember is I had drank three of those beers. I took a shot, I ordered a drink, and I found a video in my phone where I was drinking the girls' drink that were with me. So who knows how many drinks I had, but like, and I don't think I had really eaten that day. So just all that alcohol just really messed with me. So I remember going to the bathroom, and I still don't have any memory of this. I had FaceTime friends, I had called people. So this is from their P.O.B. Oh gosh. They said that I was on the phone crying hysterically, like I broke my sobriety. I messed up, and and someone said that I started banging my head on the floor, which is a thing that I did when I drank. Um, so I eventually, I guess, passed out. And so they called no one knew where I well, like my hotel. So all my friends like in Arizona had no idea where I was supposed to go. Oh my gosh, it's scary for everyone. Oh gosh. Yeah. So the people that were there at the restaurant ended up calling the ambulance. So I went to the hospital just to get checked out.

SPEAKER_02 26:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:40

And the next day I was just so hungover. I just could not do anything at all. And I was like, I'm not doing any this again. And then I think that same night, I went to the store and I bought a pack of white cloth. And I was like, I'm just gonna drink. And then the next day I went to eat, got a bloody marry, and drank that day too. How long did that last? I think three days. Three days. Yeah. Cause I remember going home drinking, because I bought a pack of blue moon. I drank in my room. And then the next day at work, I had gotten really sick from dehydration. Yeah. I don't really know exactly what happened. I just remember getting sick. And so I was like, you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. I was like, this is not it.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

This is flashbacks of really bad times. Like, we didn't do this. Yeah, we can go back now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:25

Yeah. So after three days, you're just like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Did you have some people around you that were like, thank you for not going back down that path? Yeah, I'm sure.

SPEAKER_03 27:35

It helps having good support too. Because a lot of my friends were just like, this is not it.

SPEAKER_02 27:39

Yeah. Through your sobriety, do you have people in your life that have also been like, oh now I'm kind of curious about it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:46

So I remember this one guy was like, thanks to you, I got sober. And like, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, we were talking and he lived in like a different uh he lives in a different country. Yeah, that's so cool. We would FaceTime and he got sober for a while. And he was like, Yeah, like this is all thanks to you. Like you gave me advice one day, and I was like, Thank you. Yeah, that's great.

SPEAKER_02 28:08

What are the things that you've been experiencing in sobriety that prior you were just like, oh, I didn't even know this was a thing? Just being present. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:17

And like really embracing everything around me. Because before I feel like I was just in constant, like drunk mode. Yeah. And so it's just nice to like be present and like actually not have your mind wandering off to like the thing that is always like pulling you from it.

SPEAKER_02 28:32

Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. But yeah. And remembering everything. Yeah. Honestly, being present is like the biggest thing when you don't have something pulling your brain away. How, what, what time do we leave this? How do I time stuff out? Yeah. It opens yourself up to just be so much more calm and experience like the world around you. I remember seeing online when you had relapse and then coming back afterwards. Um, what was what was the feeling like going back on socials and kind of sharing that? Scary. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:05

It was really scary. Yeah. I didn't think I thought for sure I was gonna lose like a bunch of followers. I thought people are gonna be mad at me. I'm an honest person. Yeah. So I feel like I just couldn't keep going and not tell people like I relapsed. So I remember posting that video, and the amount of comments I got from people was just overwhelming. It like I started crying because I was like, this is crazy. Like, no one is mad at me. If anything, people are just so understanding. And because I posted that video on Instagram and TikTok, and they both got over a million views, you know, I've had so many people reach out to me and say that they've gone through the same thing, yeah, but they've suffered in silence because it's embarrassing.

SPEAKER_02 29:42

Right. And you feel like you're letting other people down. But I I think it's great to share that because it's a very real part of recovery. Not every day is gonna be perfect and not everyone's journey is just like right to the thing, and then it just stays there. And it's wrong to leave people in the dust thinking that that's how it's gonna be, especially because I feel like a lot of times with people who are perfectionists or just anybody dealing with stuff, it's like, I didn't do it, I failed. So I'm just not gonna try again because I didn't do the thing. I guess I could never do it again. But it's like, no, you can try again. You can try again. You can go back and try again. You did it before for so long. Don't let one slip up, whether it be one day, two days, three days, three months, three years, prevent you from like realizing you can try again. It can be just as great as it was before you can try again, and it's okay. I'm so glad that that is the response that you got. I it would it would be so upsetting for people following somebody going through recovery to then jump down someone's throat when they share and are vulnerable about a really real part of the path of recovery. It's not just a straight line and it's not always super easy. No, it's not.

SPEAKER_03 30:58

Things happen. Yeah, literally. But it's just crazy because relapse, I feel like, taught me that. Like I didn't really realize how many people go through the same thing. So it really made me feel less alone hearing other people's stories.

SPEAKER_02 31:11

So was there a part of that? I always hate when people are like, oh, you needed that. Like, no, we didn't need bad stuff to happen to us. But was there a part of that that was maybe grounding? And because after a while in sobriety, sometimes people say they get a little comfortable. Was there a part of that was like grounding? And did it bring maybe like a oh, I need to do this?

SPEAKER_03 31:32

It opened my eyes. Yeah. So it really did. I feel like, like you said, I hate saying that, but I feel like it did need to happen for me to like open my eyes and realize. Because for a while I was like, maybe I don't have problems with alcohol, you know. I kept thinking that. I was like, what if it was just all in my head? Like that was going through my head for a year before I got before I relapsed.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

Were you ever rationing to yourself? Like maybe I could start back up again. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No.

SPEAKER_03 31:57

Yes, exactly. Yeah. But I didn't drink it when I bought that shooter. I I felt really I felt like shit.

SPEAKER_02 32:03

Yeah. You feel like you've got like this like horrible thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. How do you plan on communicating to your kids about alcohol use or substance use? I'm just gonna be open with them.

SPEAKER_03 32:13

Yeah. So, cause they're dad. So I have three kids with one dad, with one guy. Um, my youngest with another. Both of them have alcohol issues. So they notice his drinking, my three notice their dad's drinking, and they say they don't like it. Yeah. So I'm just gonna, you know, continue to be open with them and tell them like it's not good for you. So just let them know they could be open communication. That's great. Uh how does your eating disorder manifest today? I have really bad body dysmorphia. So some days I'll look at myself and I'm like, oh, I look too chubby and then I'll look too skinny. And so on those days, you know, I like have to keep reminding myself like just to keep eating. Some days I'm like, I just don't want to eat, you know, like maybe I should just be skinny again. So it's just hard. And then, you know, trying not to be scared of food. Yeah. Yeah. So I notice that sometimes I'm still like a little scared to like eat certain things. Yeah. Like butter, I still get hesitant, you know. I'm trying to be better at it, but I do notice it a lot.

SPEAKER_02 33:16

So I want to know if this is something that you dealt with too. So, like, it was the first time I got pregnant. I don't remember if I dealt with it so much as the second one because I was aware, but I was like, why does no one talk to you about like I get that I'm gonna gain weight and be pregnant, but I actually like had a really hard time with like the way my body looked as it was changing and being paranoid, people couldn't tell that I was pregnant. And it was, it was tough. I was like, why don't people talk about gaining weight? And they're like, I'm pretty sure it's implied. I'm like, no, but like how your brain can like be so mean to you when you're pregnant. Did you deal with um I don't even know if it's body dysmorphia when you're pregnant because you literally are gaining weight, but did you deal with um stuff when you were pregnant as well? Yes. It was awful.

SPEAKER_03 33:59

I literally would not go out. Really? Yeah, I was just so embarrassed. Like I was just not embarrassed, but I was like, oh, I just don't like how I look. Like, you know, just nothing fit me. It was just, it was so bad for my mental health. I remember with three of my pregnancies, I was really depressed because of all the weight that I gained. Oh yeah. So it wasn't like I just gaining weight is just really triggering.

SPEAKER_02 34:20

Yeah. Yeah. Um, how do you reframe food then for yourself?

SPEAKER_03 34:24

I eat pretty healthy. Yeah. So I just try to eat as healthy as I can and remember a lot of what I find myself saying to myself daily is food is your friend. It's fuel. Yes, food is fuel, food is good for you. So I just have to keep telling myself that every day.

SPEAKER_02 34:40

Yeah, it is a daily reminder. I struggle with like, I think more of just like how things look on me. It's like I just don't have an accurate perception of the way I look at any given time. And so I'll struggle with like getting ready, like you're talking about during the days. And someone's like, does I mean you wore that outfit a week ago? It looks the exact same on you. Why would you feel any different? And I'm like, okay, yeah, but my brain doesn't work that way. We're not working logically up here. I know. And the way we see ourselves is different than how people see us. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, no, well, then I'll take a picture. I was like, that's not any better. Yeah. You're like, my brain doesn't see it that way. No, no, no. We got that spicy brain. Um, so borderline personality disorder. For those who don't know what that is, can you kind of let us know and then let us know how that manifests for you um currently?

SPEAKER_03 35:28

Borderline personality disorder is sort of similar to bipolar disorder, where it's like frequent mood swings. Um fear of abandonment shows up. I'm scared to get close to people. So I find myself with that fear of abandonment. I push people away. So it still shows up. You know, I'm still constantly trying to push people away because I feel like they're gonna leave me first. Yeah, you have to be like cognitive how you like maneuver in relationships. Exactly. Friendships too, you know. So just like in everything, I just have to be careful. But with me being sober, it's easier to manage those symptoms. Um, my mood swings are pretty bad. I'll go from like happy, and then the next minute I'm just bawling my eyes out, being hopeless. So that's how it shows up.

SPEAKER_02 36:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:15

And it just and recently I lost a friend because of borderline personality disorder. Sorry. No, it's okay. You know, I take accountability for it. And I hate to just say it's because of that, but it is what it is. And I pushed her away.

SPEAKER_02 36:29

So yeah, it hurts to say you like push them away. It's hard. You don't mean to do it, it's just something that is happening inside of you. And it's like what are those friendships like? I'm I I have a friend with borderline personality disorder. They have also been very open. Like when we became really close, they're like, you know, I I've had plenty of friends leave me for these specific reasons because they can't handle this stuff. What are some of the things that you've heard that it makes it difficult?

SPEAKER_03 36:57

The thing that I struggle with is in friendships, for whatever reason, when I'm starting to get too close to someone, my brain will start to tell me why they aren't, not necessarily not why they're not a good friend. My brain tries to say, oh, they're doing this, so that means they're gonna leave you any second, or they're not gonna be your friend, or they're gonna see the real you. So my brain starts to like go through all these scenarios of like why I should stop being their friend, and it just it's hard. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:23

And they could do something not related. It's like the compromise. It's like, see, yeah, see, right there. Exactly. And you won't bring it up to them because heaven for you like actually just address the thing. Yeah. Because you also want to be a people pleaser and not totally push that person away. Yep. It's like a really weird tug. It's like, but I thought you're pushing me away. Yeah, but I'd like you close here, but don't yeah. That's literally me. Yeah, it's a tug of war that's really difficult, especially because it's all internal. I would imagine that there's somebody out there that was also like, I got a shooter in my backseat, I'm struggling, or maybe that they have relapsed and are struggling. What is some advice you would give them?

SPEAKER_03 37:59

Stay strong and that, you know, it's okay to feel that way. And if you've relapsed, I would say it's okay. Just it's how you move forward. You know, your mistakes don't define you, relapse doesn't define you. It's not a dead end, it's just it's a detour on the road. You know, it doesn't have to be the end. And it's okay to pick yourself back up again. Yes. And start over. Yes. You know, I've this isn't my first time relapsing. I when I was trying to get sober for those first few years, I kept I was like sober for a month and then I'd go back and drink again, and then it was just kind of continuous. So it's just about not giving up and continuously moving forward.

SPEAKER_02 38:40

I appreciate hearing that because it's like, you know, there would be a month and then I go back. It's like, yeah, but what I'm hearing is you have this thing inside of you that wants the sobriety. So you kept on trying, and that's great. Keep on trying. There's never gonna be like a day where you can't stop trying. Recovery isn't easy, yeah. Especially when you're dealing with so many things. So it's just and outside factors that you just don't have control over. Like we can only control so many things. Exactly. I feel like that's why people got issues in the first place. Exactly. It's a control thing, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just know you're not alone. Yeah. Um, so imagine there's someone out there right now who's watching this and struggling. Uh, what do you want them to know? To not give up.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

And that I've been there before and it sucks and it feels like there's no hope. And I've been in that where you just feel like happiness isn't for you. And I used to be a pessimist, you know, like glass half empty type of girl. But there is happiness. There's so much happiness out there. You know, there's so much joy. Your story isn't over yet, and like this is your story, you know. You have the chance to rewrite the next chapter just because one thing you don't like the chapter you're in now doesn't mean that's the end of your story, you know. So I just want people to know that you're not alone and that things can get better. Yes, you know, so absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 39:59

You can write the next chapter. There is so much joy. That is so beautiful. Thank you so much for joining us today. I've really appreciated your time, your openness, and vulnerability. I love watching you share your life on socials. Um, tell everyone where they can find you. What are your handles and stuff?

SPEAKER_03 40:16

So, my TikTok is MaidenKorea XO. Um, my Instagram is Caitlin Baby.

SPEAKER_02 40:23

Thank you so much, and we appreciate you all joining us. We'll see you next time.