Adriana Sansam | Grief after Her Husband’s Accidental Overdose, Navigating Loss & Trauma

In this mental health & addiction recovery story, Adriana Sansam shares how her husband’s four‑year sober streak ended in relapse and fatal accidental overdose — and how she chose to stay “just for today” so she can stay sober for her children and rebuild their family life.

Explore addiction and mental health treatment options: https://recovery.com

Connect with Adriana: https://www.instagram.com/adrianasansam/, https://www.facebook.com/p/Adriana-Sansam-100086399725563/, https://www.tiktok.com/@adriana.sansam

Just for Today Podcast: https://www.instagram.com/justfortodaypodcast/, https://www.youtube.com/@justfortodaypodcast

Key talking points: 
1. Adriana Sansam lost her husband Eric to a heroin overdose in 2023 after years of high-functioning addiction.
2. Eric had been sober for over four years before relapsing during the COVID-19 pandemic.
3. Adriana discovered his heroin use after finding a needle early in their relationship.
4. Despite multiple relapses, Eric often asked for help and wanted to recover.
5. He struggled with childhood trauma, grief, and untreated mental health issues.
6. Adriana supported him through detoxes while raising three young children.
7. After Eric’s death, Adriana faced intense grief and suicidal thoughts.
8. She found the phrase “Just for Today” in his recovery journal, which helped her stay alive.
9. Adriana chose to break the silence around addiction and now shares her story publicly.
10. She advocates for open conversations, support for loved ones, and living with honesty and hope.

00:00 Introduction and Content Warning
00:36 Meet Adriana Sansam
01:25 How Adriana Met Eric
04:12 Discovering Eric's Addiction
08:22 Eric's Relapse During COVID
17:28 Living with an Addict
30:39 Eric's Final Days
36:39 The Moment of Realization
38:37 Breaking the News to the Children
40:21 Coping with Daily Life
45:22 The Struggle with Addiction
48:22 Finding Support and Sharing the Story
57:38 Living with Grief and Finding Joy
01:16:32 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

#grief #overdose #mentalhealthawareness 

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hi everyone, Brittany here. I just wanted to start with a quick content note before we dive in. In this episode, we talk about grief, addiction, suicidal thoughts, and losing a loved one to an accidental overdose. Okay. And how those experiences can impact families and children. If you're struggling with suicidal ideation, please call or text 988 to reach the suicide and crisis lifeline. If you need mental health or addiction treatment, please visit recovery.com. If these topics feel heavy, please take care of yourself and listen at your own pace. Here's today's episode. Welcome to Recovery Cast, where we share authentic stories about mental health and addiction recovery. I'm Brittany Bainard, and today we are joined by Adriana Sandsom. In 2023, Adriana lost her husband Eric to an accidental overdose at just 30 years old. A devoted father of three, Eric's death shattered her world and reshaped her understanding of love and recovery. Now living in Arizona, Adriana shares her journey through her podcast, Just for Today, which is a phrase that she found in Eric's recovery journal. Her story is one of grief, resilience, and the daily courage it takes to keep going just for today. Thank you so much for joining us. We're so happy to have you here and really grateful that you're going to share your story. Of course. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. And before we dive into that, I want to get to know Eric. I want to know how you guys met. Um, like a fun, silly date.

SPEAKER_02 1:32

Yeah, where did you guys meet? So this is one of my favorite stories ever because this just sums up Eric. Um, we were neighbors, actually. Really? Yes. So I lived with two of my cousins, and he moved in two doors down with his roommate. I was 22, I believe. So I was like in my party state to throw a lot of house babies. Yes. Um one day we were having a party, and this was my cousin's party. So it was like mainly her friends. And uh, there's a knock on the door, and it's Eric and his roommate. And I open the door and I'm literally like, come on in. And he looks at me like, oh, like you're not gonna ask who we are, like, you know. And I'm just like, okay, like, are you gonna come in? And then he's like, Oh, we're the neighbors, like we just moved in next door, and we brought a bottle, like we thought we would just like come say hi. And I was like, Oh, like hi. And yeah, so they came in, and um, the way he would tell the story is he ended up leaving early. I think we like took a shot together, and then he was like, I have to go to work in the morning, so I gotta go. And his roommate ended up staying way longer than we expected. But he says that he got nervous because it was love at first sight for him. Yeah, after that, I would actually go on runs every day. And we lived in a cul-de-sac, so the way I would have to run would be passing his house because I'd have to go that way to go out of the street. And he would always jokingly say, I know you'd go past my house because I'd be outside and you wanted to see me. And I'm like, no, sure. I had to go that way because that's the way out of our street, but okay. That's how we met. We became really good friends. Um, everything kind of moved fast, but it didn't feel fast for me. I don't know. That's it's really interesting how that how that works in my brain. But we met in April. He moved in by like August. I think we started dating, dating in July. July 5th is our anniversary. And then we immediately started trying to have a baby. You just knew he was. We just knew. We just knew, yeah. So that's the story of how we met. Wow. Okay. That is really sweet, though.

SPEAKER_03 3:52

It sounds like you both kind of just like saw that in the other person right away. Yeah, those butterflies.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

Yeah, I feel like we just knew.

SPEAKER_03 3:58

And when you know, you know, like so when you met Eric, were so he's the neighbor, so you the neighborhood next door. Um family doesn't really know a lot about him, friends. So it's brand new into your life, and you guys start dating. When does he open up to you that he had had an addiction or was currently dealing with an addiction?

SPEAKER_02 4:20

Like I said, I lived with two of my cousins, and then he lived with his best friend that was his roommate. And at the time that we were like all getting to know each other, we're just like all best friends. Yeah. Like we would literally, I could go over to their house whenever, he could come over to our house whenever, even when I was at work, like him and my cousin were best friends. It was just, we were all very close. And one day, me and my cousin were at his house, and we were in his room and we were going through his desk. He's in there with us, and we were all just messing around. Like I don't even remember what we were looking for. And there was like a, I want to say a flute case. It was some sort of instrument, but it was, I think it was a flute case. And I open it and there's a needle in there. At this point, I'm very naive to drugs. Like I've I've never, I mean, I don't know anything about it. Okay, so you hadn't had any prior experience, knowing in your family, friends, okay. I mean, I smoked some weed in high school. I've been around, you know, like people that smoke weed. That's it. That's we know the basics, yeah. Okay. That's the extent of it. And like when I think of addicts and like drugs, hardcore drugs, it's like the things I see in movies, right? Like it's that's it. I don't know anything else. So that was your perception of addiction prior. It'd be something, I'm gonna see it if it's there. Yeah, right. And so I open it up and it's a needle, and I'm like, what is this? And he gets really serious, and uh, and he like takes a minute to answer. And I think now when I think back of it, he's probably like thinking, like, okay, do I tell the truth or do I like what do I say? You know, he was like, Well, I'm actually a recovering heroin addict. Okay, and my response is I laughed because I literally thought he was joking because that's that was like we would banter back and forth, like you know, we were just always joking it was so out of like the realm of reality, exactly. And just like knowing him, I'm like, like, no, that's not true. And then he was like, No, I'm serious, and I was like, No, you're not. I was like, stop lying to us, and then he calls his roommate and he's like, Why is this needle in here? And then I think his roommate was like, Oh shit, like, you know, and then he was like, Yeah, he was he's a recovering heroin addict. And then Eric was like, It was probably from when I was using, I used to hide things and I didn't, you know, like I was in it and I hid it. I didn't realize I hid it there, and you know, like that's it. And I was like, oh wow. So yeah, that's how I found out. Um, and then we talked about it a little more. He told me that he had been in recovery at that point. I want to say a year, maybe two, I can't remember the time frame that well, but um yeah. So that's when I found out that he was very heavy into heroin before I met him.

SPEAKER_03 7:17

Okay. And then so you're saying a year out of it, so he had gone to treatment for it and he was sober at that time.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

He was sober at that time, yeah. So he was clean. He yeah, he had gone to treatment, and um, like obviously at that time I didn't know everything. As time went on, like I learned more, and I think even at that point, I'm still naive to it, right? Like at that point, I'm like, okay, he's clean, he's never gonna do it again, you know.

SPEAKER_03 7:45

Like right. If you haven't experienced someone who's gone through that, I think you just know what you know in that moment.

SPEAKER_02 7:51

So I'm like, okay, like, you know, like you're clean, you're fine, you're not gonna do it again. Like, you know, that's it. Right. So even at that point, I don't think I really knew much about it, just whatever information he was willing to give. I I didn't really pry or like ask anything like much more into that. I think it was, you know, years later when he did go back into it is when I started to learn a lot more and when I started to ask questions and I learned more about his because you're starting to experience it.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

Yeah. So how long into the relationship then does he relapse?

SPEAKER_02 8:27

So this was summer of 2017. He relapsed in 2020. Okay. He was at that point clean for four years, four and a half years. Um, and then he relapsed. We at that point were married. We had our daughter, she was about a year and a half, and I was pregnant with our son. Um and it was COVID.

SPEAKER_03 8:59

So I just feel like all of that kind of has just exacerbating stuff. I was gonna say, because like prior to during that four years, would did you know if he was using any tools or did he have any way to help his sobriety continue or like support through that?

SPEAKER_02 9:16

Looking back, I always wonder like how he stayed so strong for so long because he never gave up drinking.

SPEAKER_03 9:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

So when I met him, like I said, I was in my party days, right? I I like to drink, I like to have fun, but so did Eric. Like he was a very, very big drinker, like he would drink a lot, and now, like afterwards, looking back, I'd be like, How would how did he have that like willpower to be so intoxicated and not want to go used? Yeah. And I think this was even before I got pregnant with my daughter, our my first daughter. Um, there was one time that he got super drunk and he said to me, he said, I'm craving. He's like, I need to go home because I'm craving drugs. He was like, and don't let me leave. And that was the first time I was like, Oh shit, I didn't even think of it.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:19

And like, I don't know anything about, you know, like I said, I don't know anything about recovery. I don't know anything about like AA. I don't know anything about any of that. And I didn't know that, like, you know, when they say that you are a recovering addict, you need to cut out everything, including alcohol. Like that wasn't anything I learned until later on, which obviously makes sense. And I always think back to that time. It's like, well, yeah, because you're drunk and then you don't know what you're doing, and then it it makes you crave certain things. Right.

SPEAKER_03 10:46

It's bringing those feelings and yearning of that tingle, that thing that you're trying to grab for. Right. Do you know what he was struggling with? It sounds like he really was like, there was like an internal like hearing you speak about him, he seems like the most loving, like empathetic, just like person that was there for anybody. But it sounds like and just people like that always like tend to deal with internal struggles a little bit harder because they feel so much. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:14

Do you know what he was going through? I do. Um, he was going through a lot. Eric had a lot of demons. And um, as his wife, I feel like he obviously confided in me a lot. And I feel like I know a lot of what you know he was struggling with, but he had a pretty rough childhood. So his dad also died when he was five. His dad died actually a day before his fifth birthday. I don't want to speak too much on his childhood only because I obviously wasn't there, right? I can speak on what he's told me, but also he's not here to say he did struggle with that a lot. Um he also had a stepfather who was not the best um he was in his life for probably about um up until his teen years, and he just was not a good man. He he was struggling and then he got somebody that wasn't a help whatsoever. Yeah, that was one of the biggest, the biggest struggles, and um that stepdad was also an addict, and that's kind of where he started dabbling.

SPEAKER_03 12:24

Those four years, he's kind of like so he's drinking, but he's like white knuckling that heroin sobriety. Oh my gosh, yeah. And then COVID happens, and what was the situation? Do you know exactly when he did relapse, or was it I kind of picked up on it like as it's happening?

SPEAKER_02 12:43

So I should also say he owned and operated his own business. So he owned a moving company, and you know, like it's COVID, so everyone's like, like, no one's first of all, no one's moving, and if people are moving, they're not allowing you in their house because everyone's like you know, everyone's gonna make themselves. Yeah, so business was not good. We have a one and a half year old. My mental health went to complete. I had like the worst postpartum depression. It was so bad, and I did not know at the time, so I did not deal with it. Obviously, for anyone that has children, you know that that can affect your marriage. You know, right? So we're not doing the best, and then I'm pregnant with my son, and so I just feel like in his mind as a man, he's like, well, you know, like I'm supposed to be the provider, like my wife isn't okay, I'm not okay, my business is going to shift, like what you know, and I feel like in 2020 that messed with a lot of people's mental health. Yeah, so I really do feel for a lot of recovering addicts that couldn't, that didn't make it through that time because I mean it was hard for me, and I'm not like I didn't deal with any of that, you know. Like it's just so hard. Yeah, I'm pregnant, I have the worst pregnancies. So I go to California, we're living in Arizona, I go to California to be with my parents because my mom's helping me with my daughter and with me while I'm pregnant. And I just get a weird feeling, like I just get weird vibes that something's wrong, something's not okay. Long story short, come to find out that he did relapse when I was gone. And I could just tell when I came back, like something was not right, like he was just acting different. And I didn't find out probably until like a month later, because I found the heroin in his car. And again, I'm so naive that I didn't even know it was heroin. Is that your first time finding that? Yeah, yeah. So that's when when I was like, oh, okay. What was his reaction when you I had it in my hand and I was like, what is this? And it was in the foil, and because it looked like a gum wrapper to me, but it was like burnt and whatever. So I'm like, like, I thought it was bubble gum. Like, I'm I don't know. Like it, I'm so bringing it so it's yeah, and I think in the back of my mind too is like, I'm I don't want it to be true, you know? Like, I don't want it to be true. We have kids, I'm pregnant. This is like Please let this be anything. Yeah, yeah. So I'm just like, what is this? And he like looked at me like he didn't even say anything, and I'm like, what is it? He's like, I don't know. And I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna go flush it down the toilet. And then that's when he was like, No, like getting on his knees, like begging. I know what that's please don't do it, and blah blah blah. And I was like, then what is it? And he was like, he was like, you know what it is, you know what it is, and it just yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:48

Looking back, do you are there any signs that you noticed during that like month period um where you're like that that was a telltale sign, something was going on?

SPEAKER_02 15:59

Yes. Um, so he would go to work for longer than he usually would. Um, he he was a gas station guy, like through and through. He'd always want to like go, even when he was sober, like he would just want to go to the gas station to get a drink or to get, you know, like to get whatever, a snack, this, this, and that. But it was the way his gas station trips kept like multiplying over. Burning eight servers in a day, what are you doing? Yeah. Yeah. I love my coffees in the morning. Like I love going to Starbucks or like Dunkin', you know, whatever I get. And he would always be like, You can make it at home, you know, like that. And when he was using, it'd always be like, Let me go get you a coffee. Yeah. And I didn't catch on until later, is oh, you want to get me a coffee so you can go get high.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

Got it. You thought it was just being sweet. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. All of a sudden you're like, wait a minute, why don't you want me to make it at home anymore? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

So like just little things. With frequent trips, yeah. And just like always, you know, going to work. And I think it was the work thing too. It's like it was out of embarrassment. Like he he didn't want me to see him. He didn't want the kids to see him. And it's just sad.

SPEAKER_03 17:18

Yeah, he knew he was struggling, yeah. Yeah. From having to witness that. Yeah. But you're already experiencing it. Right. What is it like living with your spouse that is an active addiction?

SPEAKER_02 17:31

So in the beginning it was really hard because I didn't understand. And I was like, why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me? What is going on? What did I do wrong? If you loved me, why can't you stop? And that was a mindset I had for a while in the beginning. That's a mindset a lot of people have, which is, I mean, okay, I understand, right? Because that happened to me. But the more that I did my research, and like I know my husband, like he does love me, I know that, and he loves our kids. And also everyone's experiences are different. The entire time that I knew him and that we were together, so from like 2020, when he first relapsed to 2023 when he died, he was only in like active addiction for maybe 10 months to a year, those three years. And it would never go on more than like two. I think that first time that he relapsed, it was three months, and that was the longest time. Every other period was like a month or how did he get himself to stop? We would detox at home. It was really not fun. But there were a lot of times that it happened and he would call me and he'd be like, I need you to come home. I need you to come home because I just picked up. I'm high and I don't want to do this anymore, but I cannot throw this away. So I need you to come home and throw it away for me. You know how they say, like, if like you can't make someone go to rehab, you can't make someone stop. Like they have to want it. I feel like Eric always wanted it. Yeah. So it wasn't, it was hard, but it was never a fight to have to how people realize it's such a disease.

SPEAKER_03 19:11

Cause it is, it's like, how how can you just be doing this? Yeah. And then you're like, wait, I know this person. Yeah. I know this person. And then you're like, and then I I learn more about it. And I'm taking what I've learned and what I know about this person, and I get it. It's it's it's beyond someone just being like, Well, I don't like you, so I'm doing this, or it's hard, I'm doing this. It is, it is a disease that is like sitting there festering. And he was, he was sitting there like calling for help. It is so hard. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

I think he he just expected me to leave. And I couldn't do that even if I tried. But I think because I know how much trauma and pain he's gone through, like through his entire life, and he just wanted to be loved, you know? So the initial time when I'm like, you know, why are you doing this to me, this and that? And I think he was just like expecting me to go, and and when I didn't, when I stayed, and he he's the one that kind of like talked me through it, and he was like, you know, like I'm not doing this to you. It's not that I don't love you. Like, do you think I want to do this to myself? We would really just talk about it. And he kind of made me understand and helped me understand his mind and what was going on. From then on, it was always like um we're a team. Like, and I would always tell him, I'd be like, Yeah, I I know if you're going through it, and when you relapse, the initial reaction to me is gonna be disappointment, and I probably am gonna be pissed off, but I'm not against you.

SPEAKER_03 20:42

Right.

SPEAKER_02 20:43

Like, I am on your team, I want what you want, and I want you to be better, and I want you to be here for our kids just like you do. Like, I'm not I'm not just gonna get up and leave and go.

SPEAKER_03 20:55

And I don't know, I feel like a lot of addicts kind of just like push people away because they don't want to hurt them, which is you know, like the You don't want a part of this, you don't want to see that if you just like stay an arm's distance and you can just avoid this.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

Yes, no, because I couldn't tell you the amount of times Eric would be like, You should just leave me. You deserve someone so much better. You and the kids deserve someone so much better. Like, you know, you deserve someone who who's not gonna do this to you and who's gonna be there. And I'm like, I don't want anyone better. Like, I want you, I deserve you. My kids, like our kids deserve, just want you to be better. Yeah, yes. And I think that also helped him in a way. But some things you just can't, like it is a disease, you can't.

SPEAKER_03 21:42

You sound like the most amazing and supportive wife. You really were there for him, and you wanted him to just know that he was loved.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

Yeah. Did you have people to help you? Uh you say that I sound like the most amazing and supportive wife, which I feel like I was very supportive, but I also don't want to downplay. The crazy that I was. Because I was very crazy. And I feel like for a rightful reasons, right? Because no, I didn't have anyone. And I think it's because when I first learned about his addiction, um, the people that were closest to him, so his addiction was hidden always from everyone. So when I learned about it, I was kind of told, like, don't tell anyone, like, don't tell your parents, like everyone's gonna judge and all this stuff. So I didn't tell anyone. Nobody knew about it. So I did go crazy. I was very crazy to the point where like I was con like I was constantly like, what are you doing? Where are you? Where you know, like I was always on him, and I feel like to everybody on the outside, I looked like a crazy wife. And I feel like even to his friends who even know what was happening, there was a lot of judgment, which sometimes I still think about and I'm like, how could you judge me when you knew what was going on?

SPEAKER_03 23:03

Yeah, you know the potential that this has. He has a family, he has a life. I don't want that to go away for anybody. Right. I don't think it's crazy. I think it's responsive. Yeah. I think you're responding to the environment around you as a wife that loves her husband, yeah, and you just wanted it to stop. Yeah. And you were just doing what you knew.

SPEAKER_02 23:25

Yeah. I was in survival mode. Honestly, what else am I gonna do? You know, and it's for your children, it's for yourself. Yeah. It got so bad to the point where like I I we would joke about it because I had, you know, like on iPhones to use share location. It got to the point where he switched from Apple to Android because yeah, because he would be like on his way back home from work and like stop at a gas station. And if you took too long, I'd be like, What are you doing there? I know what you did. You know, like when are you coming? And yeah, so like I I was crazy, but I always say like rightfully so, because I mean, all the lies and you know, and it drove me freaking crazy. But I will say, like, about um a few months before he died, like the last time he relapsed and we went through all that, um, there was a situation where I went, I did do something very crazy. And afterwards, he was like, I just want to say that if you weren't as crazy as you were, because I told him, I was like, I know I'm I know you you're making me crazy. Like, I know I'm crazy. You can say it with straight face. I know I'm crazy. You're making me go insane. And then he was like, he was like, I know that you say you're crazy and you've done these crazy things, but if you weren't as crazy as you were, I would have been dead a very long time ago. And I was like, thank you. Like, I I you know, I feel like I didn't hear that because if not, like all this for nothing. And then he was like, I'm so sorry for, you know, like making you feel this way and all the things that you do. He's like, but you're the one person who hasn't given up on me. He's like, and I just I would have been dead a long time ago if it wasn't for you. So when he did die, I think I struggled a lot with like, well, maybe if he didn't, if I wasn't a part of his life and we didn't have kids and all these stressful things, then he would still be here. And I constantly go back to that. So yeah, so I feel like it was a balance. Like I feel like, yes, I could be supportive, but I mean I was crazy too, and I think that just came with it with it.

SPEAKER_03 25:30

From the sounds of it, he was he didn't want it and wanted help and wanted you to know.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:36

And you were gonna be the person to hold him as accountable as possible. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, his friends kind of know, but not like your your circle, your what about your family? None of my family knew. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Um, my so that's even harder for like support for you. It was so hard. My parents did not find out about Eric's addiction until the day that he died, and only because I was at their house when he died. So he was on a work trip, and um I'm calling the hotel that he's staying at, and I'm like talking to the lady, and she's telling me how he didn't check out, and I'm like yelling on the phone that he's an addict and he's dead, and they need to break the door down. And I'm like running out of the garage to go to the car because in my mind I'm gonna go save him, like go to the hotel. And my parents afterwards are like running after me. They're like, Who are you talking about? Who's an addict? Who's dead? So they had no idea. Probably a year, maybe 10 months before he died. We actually lived with my parents for about a year and a half. But when we were living with my parents, um, that was the time that Eric went through his last active addiction, and they had no idea. Really? So that is how high functioning he was. Wow. Yeah. Like when I tell people he was like a very high-functioning addict, like very high functioning, like really good husband, really good father. I mean, he ran his business on his own, did his thing, nobody knew.

SPEAKER_03 27:13

And that's the scary part because I feel like people like we like everybody thinks. Like, I got my idea of it from things in movies, but I'm not checking on the person who's showing up or who I think is showing up and functioning every single day. And even when they say it, they might get like, yeah, right. Yeah. No, it's like a very real thing that people are able to show up to work every day. They can show up to the kids' events, they can show up and do the things while also struggling and constantly thinking about the thing that's like mentally pulling them away. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:43

I think that's also one of the hardest things about like now when I share like how my husband died, is the instant judgment. Like, I can see when people judge me instantly for like your my husband dying of an accidental overdose. What are their reasons for judging you? Because of that. Because people that don't understand addiction and don't understand that is they go to, you know, whatever they see in movies of like addicts like that. And I'm like, you have no idea because you don't like especially bone here.

SPEAKER_03 28:12

I found out people after we dated. And I had a friend like, did you know that person was addiction addicted to oxy the whole time you were dating? I was like, Oh, I thought we were just smoking. I was like, I realized I was never like that version of high with them. Okay, but no clue. Yeah, no clue.

SPEAKER_02 28:27

Yeah. So I feel like, especially for people that don't know Eric, you know, and then they like ask me about him, and I'm like, Yeah, I mean, you can judge all you want, but he was not that person.

SPEAKER_03 28:39

No, and I think that is the common story, like that is the common situation. I there's countless hundreds, thousands, these these accidental overdoses aren't happening to nobody. Yes, it's happening to people that are in our lives and we just don't see it. Yeah. We don't, we don't, we don't think we don't see it. Yeah, but it's happening.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

Yeah. I just hate how stigmatized it is and how much it's not talked about. And like I said, I I never I never shared like with anyone. And I remember like when he died, he wasn't he wasn't an active addiction when he died, but I knew that was it. It's like why else, right? And so, like I mentioned earlier, like there would be those one-off times that he would like call me and be like, This happened, please come home. So he died in March of 2023, and in February, like a it was a few weeks, maybe a month before that. Um, I was on my way, because we're living in California at the time, and I'm on my way to Disneyland with my daughter, and um he called me. It was one of those times, and he's crying, and he's like, I need you to come home right now. And I was like, What happened? He's like, just come home. And I was like, Okay. So I turn around and I drop my daughter off at my parents because obviously something's not right. Yeah. And I get home and he's like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. He's like, I'm so high right now. And then he like takes me into the garage and he gives me his stash and he's like, I don't want to do this anymore. And and we just like, he's just like telling me like just all the problems that he's having at the moment and like what's going on. And that was the last time that that happened, but he it never continued. And I also drug tested him all the time too. So I feel like I can confidently say that it wasn't happening. And I could also tell by just looking at him. Yeah, but you know at this point, yeah, I know at this point like what's happening. You guys want to take my Starbucks with him? Yeah, exactly. He wouldn't buy me my Starbucks. But so yeah, and I just it's like every time he would go on these long distance moves and trips, I feel like I it was it was the time away from the accountability. Yeah. So when he just didn't answer, and you know, he had an iPhone again, so I had his location and he's not moving, he's not going anywhere. I'm like, why else? Like, what why else would he not?

SPEAKER_03 31:03

Was there anything about this trip or leading up to it that felt different than the other times?

SPEAKER_02 31:09

So he had a big box truck, and he's like I said, we're living in California at this time, and he actually had a move, he's moving someone to Arizona. And when you have these big trucks, you have to stop at way stations, like every way station. So before he left, he's he weighed the truck and it was over. So it was overweight. So he called my mom and he didn't know I was at my mom's house, but I was. And I answer my mom's phone. And he's like, What are you doing? Like, just like really shocked. And I was like, What do you mean? He's like, Well, well, why are you at your mom's house? And I was like, I'm just here because you're not at home and I don't like sleeping alone at the house, so I'm just here. He was like, Well, I was gonna ask your mom if um I can come by and drop a few things off at her house because my truck is overweight, because my mom's house was on the way to where he was going. And I was like, Yeah, that's fine. Like, so he did, and right when I saw him, immediately I already knew he was high. And so I was like, Oh, that makes sense. Why he was like so, you know, like why shocked. Why are you there? I'm like opening the garage door because he says he's there, and I I look at him and I'm just like, Oh, I was like, Did you pay a visit to someone? Because he, you know, his drug dealer. And he was like, Oh my god, he's like, This is why I didn't want to come here. You're you just want to like pick a fight. And I don't want to do this right now. I'm not high. And I was like, okay. I was like, I don't need to pick a fight with you right now. I was like, that's fine, you're not high. And I like rolled my eyes. I was like, let me just help you like get the shit out of the truck. And we just continued on and had like a normal, peaceful conversation. I remember he was like, Don't tell the kids I'm here because I'm gonna see them tomorrow. Like, I don't want to make it because the kids are like obsessed with him, and it probably would have added more time to his trip. And then it just ended like fine, you know, like it was a normal conversation and it ended in I love you's and kisses, and that was it. And I always wonder, like, why did why did I decide not to keep it going, you know, like it just ended good that night. I remember I was like so uneasy, and he usually calls me when he gets to his destination, and he didn't call me that night, and I'm pretty sure he died that night. Like as soon as he got there, I think he did what he did and he died. And I just remember I was like, I don't want to call him, and I think in the back of my mind, like I knew he wouldn't answer me. And then I just remember in the middle of the night, I like woke up and I feel like I don't tell a lot of people this because I feel like people probably think I make it up. But I heard him, like I woke up to a voice saying goodbye, and then my daughter started crying, like screaming, crying in the middle of the night, and I was like, what is going on? So I like woke up and I went to her and I like patted her, she fell asleep, and then I went back to my room, and then I woke up in the morning, and it's like nine o'clock, and he leaves super early, like in the morning. He usually checks out of his hotel by like six or seven and continues on. It's like nine o'clock, and he's not, he's still there. And I just like remember crying in bed. But in my mind, I'm like, maybe he left his phone, you know, like yeah, and then I like go try to go back to sleep, and then like my kids are all awake, but they're downstairs with my parents. And you know, at like 11 I check again and he's still there, and then I text his friend because he was gonna meet up with him afterwards, and I was like, Have you heard from Eric? And he was like, No, I haven't. And then I text him back and I said, I think he overdosed. And then he texts me back and said, Don't say that. And then that's when I started trying to call the hotel, and they didn't answer, they didn't answer. I'm like calling for hours and they didn't answer, but at the same time, I have to act okay because my parents don't know, right? And my kids are downstairs. You're like, what if I'm being silly right now? What if this isn't it? Yeah, I like started to call like him on Instagram, and like I'm literally doing everything now at this point because I'm like, okay, like now the hotel's not answering, like, what's going on? And so my kids go down for a nap, and my mom's like, Hey, do you want to go to the store? Like, and I'm like, Yeah, I'm like, let me just go get something from the room upstairs. And so my oldest isn't napping, she's downstairs with my parents, but the other two are napping, and so I go upstairs and I call again and they finally answer, and it's like 2 30 at this point. And I'm like, hey, what time is your checkout? And she immediately is like, Are you calling for Eric Sansom? And I was like, Yeah. And she's like, Well, checkout is at 10. And we went to his room at around 11, and we knocked on the door and tried to answer, and the deadbolt was on, like the thing. So we just charged him another night. They didn't like break the door down, and that's when I started yelling, and I was like, He's an addict, he's probably dead. You need to call the police and have them break the door down. And at this time, I'm like running downstairs and to the garage, and my parents are like follow me. And this part's kind of a blur, but I think she was like, Okay, like I'll call you back or whatever, and she like hangs up on me. And then my dad and my mom are like, Who are you talking about? And I'm like, I was like telling them that I'm talking about Eric, and you know, like he's dead, and like he's an addict, and they he's still at the hotel or something. I don't even remember, and then I just remember like sitting down and they're like, No, he's fine, he's fine. And I'm like, he's dead, and I look up and my daughter's standing on at the like doorway, and I don't know like how much she actually heard, and if I was she knew that I was talking about Eric. And then at that point, my mom like took her away. And I'm like, I need to call them back because she says she's gonna call me back, but she doesn't even know my number or my name. She's like, she doesn't know anything. Yeah, so my dad called him back for me and like gave him my information, and it felt like forever, forever. But then we finally get a phone call, and like my dad's, you know, being a dad, he's like trying to protect me, and he's like answering the phone. And I'm like, just give me the phone, like you can't save me from this one. So the officer, she's like, Is this Eric's wife? And I was like, Yes. I was like, Are you with him? And she's like, Yes, and I was like, Where is he? Like, can I talk to him? And it felt like she wasn't saying anything back, and it was probably just in my mind. And I'm like, Are you with him? Are you with him? Like, where is he? And then I'm like, Is he dead? And she's like, Yes, ma'am, he's deceased. And then I I think I was like, I have three kids, what the fuck am I supposed to do? And then you just like hear her kind of like choking up, and I think at that point we I like hung up, or I don't even know.

SPEAKER_03 38:27

I like threw the phone and I started going crazy, and that was just I can't imagine because on top of all of that, how did you go about explaining this to your daughter?

SPEAKER_02 38:43

So that was really hard because I remember like when I hung up and I was like sitting out there with my dad, I was like, man, what do I do? Like, what do I tell my kids? I think my struggle was Eric's dad died when he's five, right? And he looked look at everything that happened to him, look at all everything he's struggling with. And now I have a four and a half year old whose dad is literally her entire world. Like, my oldest daughter and Eric were the best of friends. And if you ask anyone that knew them, they will tell you that. Like, that man was the best father ever. He would literally take her to work. He every single day they spent together, they would go golfing every day. Like, Eric was the type of dad that, you know, there's like people that are like, Oh, I can't do that. Like, I have kids. He's like, Okay, I'll do that, but I'm bringing my daughter. Like, it was like that.

SPEAKER_01 39:40

Everything, she was always there with him. I'm like, how am I gonna tell her that? Her favorite person is not coming back.

SPEAKER_02 39:52

And my dad's like, you don't have to tell her right now, okay? Like, let's figure out how to tell her. And I think my dad was like, my friend's a therapist, like a child therapist. Like, let me ask him.

SPEAKER_01 40:05

And I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 40:08

And at this point, like, I still have to go pick all up all his things. He has someone's household items in this truck. Like, we have to go finish this job, like, there's so much shit to do. Yeah. At some point, you know, the officer calls me back, and I have to give her all this information, and and um my dad called my sister, and my sister and her fiance came out, and we like go back inside, and then the other two kids wake up. So my kids are four and a half, two and a half, and a year old. And I go back inside, and it's so crazy, like being a mom. I'm sure, as you know, like you just gotta get shit done. Like, there's no, like, you can't.

SPEAKER_03 40:56

The first thing you don't question how you're just like, I just do it.

SPEAKER_02 40:59

Yeah, you just do it, and it's so crazy because like I remember like my kids are like, Come on, mom, like, we want to go outside, let's go down the slide, let's do this. And I'm outside, like, pretending to be okay with my kids, and I'm like playing on autopilot. And then I literally remember, like, I know my husband's dead, and I have to like run to the bathroom and cry. And my oldest daughter is also very, I feel like, emotionally intelligent, like she's just with it. And I think she knew something was wrong, obviously, probably from the comment that I made of he's dead. And so at one point, she like comes and sits on my lap, and she's like, Is daddy, is daddy sick? And this, this I think will haunt me for the rest of my life. Because I looked her in the eyes and I said, No, baby, why would you say that? Like, he's okay, knowing he's not okay. And she was like, Okay. She's like, So I'm gonna see him tomorrow because he said he's coming home tomorrow. And uh, she like goes and plays with her siblings. And then the next day I leave really early in the morning to go pick up his stuff, and then she calls me again and she's like, Mom, where are you? Where's dad? He said he's coming home, he's not answering the phone, and I have his phone, and and she's like, I want to call him, and I'm like, Okay, like let's call him. And so I three away his phone, and I have to mute myself because she's leaving daddy a voicemail of how happy she is that he's coming home and like all this stuff, and just but at that point I'm like, I can't tell her over the phone, you know, and so I don't get home until the next day because I'm waiting for them to tell me when I can view his body and like all this stuff about what's going on. But I get home and and again, like she's like, Where's daddy? Like, as soon as I walk in. And so I was like, I have something to tell you, or I'm like, we have to talk. So I go and I take her to the room and she's like super excited, and she's like, Well, where is he? Where's daddy? And I was like, I have something really sad to tell you.

SPEAKER_01 42:59

And she was like, What?

SPEAKER_02 43:03

And everything that I read online and everything that I looked up told me how no matter how old they are, you have to be very straightforward. Like, don't don't be like, Oh, they he fell asleep and didn't wake up and all this stuff, and to each their own, but I just, you know, that's what I read, and I was like, okay, that makes sense to me. So I was like, Daddy's dead, which means that he can no longer breathe, his heart stopped working, he can't eat, he can't drink, he can't see, he can't talk. And she goes, Okay, well, how long is he gonna be dead for? How long is he gonna be dead for? Because I want to see him.

SPEAKER_01 43:45

I was like, No, that's not how it works. I was like, it's forever. He's gonna be dead forever, we're never gonna see him again.

SPEAKER_02 43:54

And it just broke her heart into a million little pieces, and you know. She's four and a half, so she still probably didn't get it fully. And I know she didn't, because even afterwards, she'd like one time she was like, Mom, I know you say that dad can't come home, but I think if we go to the grocery store and we just wait long enough, he'll come back. And just like little things like that. So, you know, now she's almost seven, so she she gets it. Obviously, he hasn't come back, but telling your kids that is just I feel like I was her biggest heartbreak, you know.

SPEAKER_03 44:34

And you do the best you can in that moment. Literally anything you said, it came from a place of trying to protect your children and it was the right choice. Yeah. Um, I haven't had to explain death to my kids yet, but I from you explaining it, that does sound like I mean, instead of giving someone like the hope of like maybe or the what-ifs. Yeah. I remember the first time it was explained to me, the passing away term really sat in my head.

SPEAKER_00 45:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:04

And I conceptualize that as something it definitely wasn't, where I gained fears about little things because I thought that was passing away. Yes. Yeah. How are the conversations with her now, if you don't mind talking about it, as she grows up, she can kind of voice more of her.

SPEAKER_02 45:22

Yeah. It can be really hard. But I feel like it's nice because I've always been so open with her. And like even with my son, I mean, he was two and a half, but well, with all three of them, I felt the need to say it, even though they don't get it. You know, like with my son, when I told him, he was like, he he I think he like laughed and he said something else. He's like, I'll just see him tomorrow. And I was like, okay. And with my son, I think it was the hardest because he asked me literally every single day for a year where daddy was, and I had to tell him every single day that daddy was dead. And I think they're so used to talking about death now that I mean, good on them, you know, that it doesn't make them uncomfortable. But it's sad. It's like really sad. Like one day we were we were literally just going to the store and I think I was going grocery shopping with my daughter, and we're like talking some talking about school, something like normal, happy conversation. She's like, Well, mom, what happens to me when you die? Because I still want to be with Jackson Riley. Like, who's gonna take care of me? And are we gonna be split up? Because I don't want to be split up. And I'm like, man, this is going through your mind. Like, what child should think of that? You know, and she she asks me questions like that no kid really asks their parents. And she's worried, like she's just constantly worried and thinking of things that no child should think of. And I think that's the part that's really hard on me. Yeah. So I feel like I took away her innocence, but you didn't.

SPEAKER_03 47:02

You didn't. Life happened around her, and she was affected by that, but you didn't take anything away from her. You didn't take anything away from her.

SPEAKER_00 47:09

And you can see like she's very mature for her age, and sometimes I feel bad because I'm like, you're not yeah, I get it.

SPEAKER_03 47:16

You don't, you're like, I see my strong, strong child, but I wish that none of the stuff that happened to make you that strong, you didn't need that to happen to you. You would have been perfect and strong on your own without that. Yeah. I understand acknowledging something that was really traumatic for someone else or for yourself in their childhood and seeing that and seeing those fears. Like, I get that. I see that with my kids. I'm like, I feel like I did everything I could to prevent the things and I already see the patterns. But because we see those things, now we can be the people to put like the distance between that and the path that we've seen prior. And we can say, I'm seeing these things, I'm noticing these things, and I'm gonna be the person that I wish that myself or that person had. Yeah. And we can work through it. Like your husband didn't have that person to talk to so openly. Yeah. I'm so grateful your children have you for that. Yeah. I feel like a lot of kids still don't have that, still don't have that open communication and become internalized thinkers and think that they have to solve everything by themselves.

SPEAKER_02 48:22

Yeah. I remember, I think it was like day three after Eric died or four. Like I'm flying back with my dad because I mean, we went back from California to Arizona, because he died in Arizona. So everything's happening in Arizona. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 48:37

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 48:37

And my dad's I mean, my dad's an angel. My dad literally quit his job after Eric died, so he could just stay with me and the kids and just do everything with me. So at one point, we're like at the airport and we're talking about something, and I'm like, man, I'm like, this is so weird, but I feel like I was prepped for this. Like I literally feel like Eric prepped me for this because he talked to me so much about all the shit that he hated that happened after his dad died in his childhood and all the things that he loved and all the things that he wished happened. Like, I feel like I know what he would want me to do in this situation or that situation and all these things. And I'm like, it's so weird, but I feel like I was prepped by him, you know? And I feel like that comes to like what you were saying. Like, I all these things that Eric wished that wishes that he had is is what I'm trying so hard to be for my kids. He was vocalizing the things, he was vocalizing the things.

SPEAKER_03 49:33

This is what I needed.

SPEAKER_02 49:34

And sometimes I feel like now I do that maybe beyond like what I should be doing it, but I'm like, that's okay.

SPEAKER_03 49:41

It is, it's okay. It's putting that energy out in the world that wasn't available for someone at one time. And if you have to do it twice as hard to make up for that lack of energy that wasn't there, then good on you for having the energy in yourself to do that.

SPEAKER_02 49:53

Yeah. I don't know. Like, I know my kids obviously they struggle and they're they're dealing with all these things, and they're going to for the rest of their lives, obviously. But if I can help them in any way and like make help them manage it or make them feel a little less alone, then I'm gonna do that. And in the beginning, I really struggled. Like I said, nobody knew about his addiction. And after he died, I was like, no one's gonna know about it. Like even on social media, I didn't even tell anyone. I said like cardiac arrest or something, and I still held it in. I held it in afterwards. And I I did it to the point where one of our really close family friends is a lawyer, and I called him and I said, I need you to find a way to like seal the autopsy report and the death certificate because I don't want anyone to find out and I don't want my kids to find out. Like, I don't ever want my kids to know.

SPEAKER_03 50:50

Through like and not even like forever. It's just not gonna be an option.

unknown 50:53

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 50:54

And then afterwards, I'm like, What why? Yeah, like why am I doing that? I was like, I'm not doing that anymore. And I got to the point where I was like, no, you know what? No, I'm not because what good does that do for my kids? What good does that do for Eric? Like, that's not fair on him. It's not, it's it's never benefited any of us, it's never done anyone any good. And like, I'm like, I'm not living like this anymore. So I did share and I shared with my kids too. And obviously, I didn't tell them like like I told them in a very age-appropriate way. And as they get older, like even now, my daughter will ask me more questions. And I'm like, I'm not gonna hide things, and you know, like what if they find out later on? Then they're gonna hate me and be like, Well, why didn't mom tell me this? Why didn't mom tell me that? And I feel like if I start talking to them about it now at such a young age, that they'll they will feel so educated and so confident about it. And yeah, I'm sure when they're in high school or maybe not even high school, there's gonna be those bullies or shitty kids that find out their dad died of an overdose and they're gonna be like, Well, your dad didn't love you. Your dad, you know, like chose drugs over you. And I'm like, I want to raise them to be like, no, you're wrong. Like to so confidently be able to be like, no, you don't even know what you're talking about. Like instead of being so like, yeah, you're right, like because they don't know any better.

SPEAKER_03 52:24

It's in every single aspect, just especially in your story, too. It's like once you gain the knowledge, once you see, like once you figure it out or become curious about this thing, it's you view it completely differently. Um, and the way it is with everything, when people that are looking for training, once you educate yourself, it you feel so much more empowered. Yes. When you are open with your kids and you tell them age-appropriate ways and have these open conversations, they feel empowered, they feel educated, they don't feel isolated and then this whole of like nobody talks to me about this very real thing that I am very aware of. Like, our kids know more than we think. They know and they'll figure stuff out. And to feel like that secret is being kept from you, yeah, that would feel very awful. So keeping those lines of communication open is that's great for them. Yeah. So during all of this, had you considered seeing somebody, a therapist getting treatment for yourself, had Eric considered getting treatment again during his active addiction?

SPEAKER_02 53:25

So yes and no. Eric was not about treatment facilities and rehabs. And I think, not I think, I know, because he told me, that the reason for that is because every time in the past that he had gone, it was because he was forced, whether it was court appointed, family, like you know, forced to do something that he wasn't ready to do or wanting to do. Um, so he was always like, no, no, I don't want to, I don't want to do that. I also think that if he would have found the right one, he would have done it.

SPEAKER_03 54:02

You're being forced into something. I feel like chances are you're not like, well, I'm not invested to the into this because you guys already have the place figured out, this figured out. So I'm gonna go there and in hopes that I connect with someone instead of feeling like you had a part of that journey there.

SPEAKER_02 54:15

And I feel like it was also the same with therapy because he mentioned to me that after his dad died, he was forced to go to therapy, but he was forced to go to therapy when he didn't want to, but other people around him didn't go to therapy to like fix themselves. So it didn't make sense to him. And so I was like, please, like let's like you need therapy, like let's just try couples therapy. Like it took me years to get him to say yes. And when we finally started couples therapy, I mean, it it was really good for us. And he was like, Okay, like I think I'll go by myself. That's awesome. Yes, like same thing with rehabs or all that. I think it would have been the same thing if he was willing to maybe find someplace that worked for him. Yeah. And I remember the last time that he went through a relapse, it was in 2022, um, like June, July of 2022. He actually did want to go to rehab, but every place we didn't he didn't have good insurance. He owned his own company. Yeah. So everything was out of pocket and it was all pretty expensive for him. And not only that, he would have to be, he was looking into like the intensive ones, like 30, 60, 90 days. And he was like, What am I gonna do? Like, how am I gonna support you guys? And I think that's also another big regret as to why I didn't tell my family. Because I know if I would have told my parents, then they would have helped support his decision to go and help support me and the kids at that time because he was willing, he wanted to at that point.

SPEAKER_03 55:56

You're like, if if I try and get help, then everybody has to rally to support me. It's like everyone wants to. Yes, we want to, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 56:03

And when it comes to Al-Anon, I wish I would have gone. I mean, I was told plenty of times to do it, and I was just, I mean, the I feel like this is no excuse, but every time he would relapse or anything like that, and not saying that I should only go when it was like a relapse, you know, but I was either pregnant or we had three kids in those three, four years. So I was like so busy and always had something going on, but I feel like that's no excuse. I can find one online to do.

SPEAKER_03 56:37

It's also like a form of self-care. And I feel like at that time, too, you're like, I'm not caring for my freaking self. I'm trying to care for everyone around me. My husband's going through some shit. Nobody's caring. Yeah, yeah. It is honestly like a form of self-care though, because while the other person's getting help, you can either sit there and fester in the resentment and not gain any tools on how to help them continue their sobriety, or you can find somewhere like El Non, be with people around you that have like been through it, are currently going through it. Have questions that maybe you're like, oh dang, I've been through some stuff. Maybe I can like sit here and be a support person for you. Yeah. Just hearing that other people have gone through it, other families have, it doesn't feel great, but it it's nice to know that you're not so alone. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 57:18

And I think that's the part that would have helped me the most is because I was so alone. And I think at that time in that mindset, I literally was like, no one would understand what I'm going through. But yeah, like looking back, it's like, no, there are so many people that get it and that are going through it, and you don't have to do it by yourself.

SPEAKER_03 57:38

Yeah. Um, so you shared that Eric wrote just for today in his recovery journal. And that's kind of become like a lifeline, like tagline for you. Tell me about how you found that. Um, talk about what those words mean to you.

SPEAKER_02 57:51

So when he was going through um early on, I think this was the first time that we went through like a detox, he told me about that. He told me how he learned that um at an NA and how that really helped him. So whenever he would go through like hard times, I feel like that's something that he would tell himself and that I would tell him too. It's like just for today, like we don't have to, you know, like you you don't have to get high today. Like, we're not gonna do drugs today, but like let's talk about tomorrow. Like, tomorrow I'll take you if you want to do it tomorrow. But like, just for today, we're gonna stay clean. Um, well, after he died, I was struggling to say the least. Um, I was in a very, very, very bad place mentally. I did not want to be alive. I one day I was at home and I had gotten to the point where like I was ready to kill myself. And I even wrote out letters. Like, I wrote out letters to each of my kids, and I wrote letters to my parents as to what I wanted, like for my kids, and all these things. And I'm going through the desk in our room, which was Eric's desk that he would like work from, and I find um an AA book, and there's like a piece of paper in the middle of it just sticking out, and I opened to it, and in his handwriting it says, just for today. And in that moment, I like took it, I took it as a sign from Eric, like just telling me, like, I know you don't want to be alive, but just for today, like just stick around one more day, like just for today. And I feel like that's like a handwritten method from heaven to stay. He saved me, you know, he's gone and he's still saving my life.

SPEAKER_00 59:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:52

So obviously, I'm I did. I took that as him being like, okay, you need to just stick around just for today. And I threw all those letters away and I stuck around. And I feel like every time I had a hard moment, which is um, I mean, still pretty often in the moment. Yeah, it happens.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:15

I just constantly just never like, could you just like take a tally of all the shit that's happened and stop?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:21

Yeah, seriously. So I feel like it's just been a life life motto for me now, which I feel like could be for anything and everything, not just drugs, not just sobriety, just for today. Just let's do it for today and worry about the rest tomorrow.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:37

So then what helped you then share all of this? Like, what was that moment because you had kept so much of this a secret? Yeah. The addiction, the struggles with it, all of that was internal. So then how are you here now sharing this with a podcast and your own story? I almost died in silence, you know?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:57

Like, I really shouldn't be here today. And like I look back at I think back, you know, from 2020 me, like when he first relapsed and all that shit that we went through.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:21

And I don't even know how I went through it. Like, how did I do that all by myself? And the amount of times that I just like wish that I wasn't alive. And even after he died, like, still doing it all by myself, and just like I just have to think that there's a reason why I'm still here. And I don't ever, ever, ever want my kids to feel the way that I did, and I don't ever want them to be silenced, and I don't ever want them to feel like what they have to say isn't worth saying. And if that takes me having to do it first, then that's what it is, you know, and I just hate how all of this, like especially addiction, it's it's so stigmatized, and I hate it so much because somebody I love so dearly really struggled with it. And he struggled in silence, and that's not fair. I share so much so much of it now because I know how healing it is for me. And I, if I could just help one person, one person just be like, okay, I can share my story, then that's good good enough for me.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:41

But when people hear your story and hear about Eric, the addiction, the grief, and all of this like rebuilding and where you're at now, what is something really important that you want them to take away from that?

SPEAKER_02 1:02:55

I think one of my biggest things is living for yourself and making the decisions for yourself because for so long I was so afraid to say the wrong thing or to do the wrong thing because I'd hurt someone's feelings, or I didn't not saying that I don't care about other people's feelings, but I think I like I didn't care about mine for so long and it really messed with me. And I truly feel like if I would have done that earlier, maybe he would still be here. He would still be here if I wasn't afraid to speak up and use my voice and ask for help and do things the way I wanted to do things.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:33

I understand what you mean. It's like I want to trust my gut, but I also don't want to hurt this person or cause something that might make it worse for this situation. Yeah. We're doing okay for this. Like I don't, yeah, you're trying not to disrupt while also protecting something at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:51

Yeah. So I just feel like listening to your gut and really just putting yourself first and doing things for yourself.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:01

Imagine there's someone out there struggling right now. What is something you want them to do?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:06

It will get better. It will probably get worse. A lot worse. You really just have to hold on to those little glimmers and those glimpses of of hope, even when it really feels like there's none. I think it's also very important to have at least like one or two people in your life that you can really hold on to and that understand and that know and that are in your corner, because I had those people, and if I didn't, I really I mean, I truly don't know if I would be here. And it does get better, but man, I know how hard it is to have to wait it out sometimes. It feels like it won't.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:53

You you were trying to help your husband and you suffered a lot in silence. And whether it be like, I feel I need to keep this a secret to protect us, or I don't even know how to ask for help, when it was then also after losing your husband, what are some things that people did or that you wish would have happened that would have made you feel really supported?

SPEAKER_02 1:05:18

First of all, the stigma of addiction is really it's a tough one because it makes you obviously want to hide, right? Like you get embarrassed, you get you're so afraid to share these things with the biggest. Yes. You're so ashamed of people's reactions. And I think when I started sharing my story, I was so afraid of other people's reactions. What I had to do at first, like when I started telling people, I had to tell the people that I knew I could confide in, and their reactions are actually what helped me share with the world. So I think. If you know somebody that's struggling with that or that lost a spouse that way and is obviously having trouble, I think being that safe space for them to be able to talk to you and tell you without judgment or without reaction, like sometimes you don't even need to say anything back to us. We don't need you to comfort us. We don't need you to make us feel better. We just need you to be there and listen to us. You know, like we don't need anything we like, it's like that we don't need to be saved. It's just I don't need you to take action.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:27

I just need you to know that like I just need to say these things and to know that someone's listening. I want to feel heard.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:33

Because just that sitting in silence and not getting the negative like reaction, because I feel like the one negative reaction I got of like, we can't tell anyone because like people are gonna judge and this and that, it overpowers it's the confirmation bias that will take over the 99 other people that did it the right way and were just there to support you and said, How can I help you through this?

SPEAKER_02 1:06:56

Yeah, especially when you're in such a vulnerable state.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:59

You're like waiting for that person to judge you because it's like I've thought about this a million times, how I would do this with every person, and not one situation in my mind was someone giving me a hug. Yes. So the second I feel someone like jerk away, I'm gonna be like, Nope, that's it. And I've just like put that wall back up. I know where I can go with you and what our limit is. Yeah. That's really hard for people in our lives and our friends that we've had for like years and years and years. We're like, oh, I got a knee-jerk reaction for opening up about my life. Yeah. Yeah. And the person that I love struggling.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:30

And I think that's also like not even to do with like, you know, overdoses and addictions and death like that, is when you open up to someone or you try and tell someone about your issues, like, for example, when you're when someone you love dies, people are not good in discomfort.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:50

No.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:50

So that's another thing that is like if you have a friend, and not even with death, if someone's coming to you because, like, for example, like I was suicidal, and I there was like there were people that I could go to and I could be like, I literally want to kill myself. And it wasn't like a oh my god, don't do this, or oh my god, I'm trying to commit. Yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't like that. It was like an okay, like let's just go get do you want to go get ice cream first though? Like, you know, yes. It wasn't like a you're crazy, like let's do this, let's do that. So I feel like being able to sit in the discomfort with people and just not make them feel bad for whatever just happened really goes such a long way.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:30

I agree. It's like being an alarmist with anything. Like when your kid falls, every as much as they want to be like, oh my god, my little baby, they're like, don't freak out. Yeah, your kid's gonna freak out. If I tell you that I don't want to be here anymore, I've been struggling, I'm in my head bad. If you're like, oh my god, we need to call 911. Like, okay, I'm literally never talking to you about anything. You're just gonna make it worse. And then if you try and like make me do something, then I'm really just gonna never talk to you again. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, let's go do something, let's talk about this. Thank you so much for telling me. Like, let's go have a day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:03

And now, like, I literally just thought of this talking to you, having this conversation. I feel like I did that a lot with Eric when he would tell me that, like, for example, when he'd be like, I just, I'm high, like, come throw this away, let's do that. It would like I'd the last time I came home, I threw it away. And it wasn't like, okay, let's sit down and have a conversation of all these reasons as to why that's bad, you know? Like it'd be like, okay, like, well, like, what do you want to do now? Like, let's go do this.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:28

Like, it's not like can we redirect so you're not thinking about this right now, or we or or I can neg you so all we're doing is thinking about this right now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:36

And I feel like that that's why he would so confidently be like, I can call her.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:41

He's open with you. Yeah, because you're like, I know the conversation needs to happen. It's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:46

I'm not saying it's not coming, right?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:48

It's coming.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:48

Yeah, we're just we'll go get some ice cream for you.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:51

Yeah, we're gonna have a day we're gonna get through today, just for today. Just for today, we're gonna get through today. Yeah, we can have the conversation later on.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:58

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:58

That's smart.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:59

Yeah. I didn't even realize that that's what was going on.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:02

Yeah, you're maneuvering, your body knew what to do. Like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So where are you able to grab those moments of joy? Like, where do these moments shine for you now?

SPEAKER_02 1:10:15

Definitely through my kids. Yeah. My son is a spitting image of his dad. That's beautiful, which is really sweet. Um, I am currently in a relationship, actually, and that brings me a lot of joy. Um, my partner's actually also widowed. So I feel like just being with someone who gets it, you know, like being with someone who understands. They're not uncomfortable with the conversation. Exactly. Yeah. He also has kids. So together we have five kids, and I like I constantly say we live in a house of grief because we're all grieving, you know. So yeah, talk about discomfort. I feel like we all feel our feelings pretty heavily. Um, but at the same time, it's like it's grief and joy can coexist. Absolutely can coexist. It's hard for other people to see, which is really weird. Like, I share a lot of my life online on social media, and I always get those comments of like, oh, well, she moved on, like she doesn't love her husband, she doesn't miss her husband, or like that was fast, or you know, whatever, and this and that. And it's like, shouldn't you just be happy? Like that someone's happy, you know, like I want to be here again. Yeah, like I share so much about my husband, and then it's like, come on, move on, like he's dead, and then I stop sharing about him, or like I share this new partner. It's like, oh, you moved on too fast, and you you can never do right by anyone else. So it's like you just have to hold on to what brings you joy and what makes you happy.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:50

But I think it's awesome your kids have other kids to talk to about this. Even being siblings growing up in the same house, experiencing things, your three children experienced them differently. Yes. So being able to have maybe another set of siblings that also experienced it differently, yeah, and being able to communicate with kids your own age, like it's not always the same talking to adults. Sometimes you we have more candor with people our own age. And as a kid, I know I was able to open up about things with kids that just got it.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:19

Yeah, that understand. And I will say, because in the beginning, I mean, it was it was really hard. Like my kids were they were in daycare. My oldest daughter, her teacher, would tell me all the time, like she doesn't, she doesn't want to talk to anyone, like she doesn't want to talk to people. She just kind of like, you know, she's on her own, she does her own thing. And when I talk to her about it, she's like, Mom, it's because I have a dead dad and no one else does, and like no one gets it. And I'm like, nobody knows you have a dead dad. Like, we're not going around telling everyone that your dad's dead, but in a kid's mind, like, you know, like you have your mom and your dad, but that's your entire world. You know, one parent's gone, your world has completely shifted. So you probably think everyone knows what's going on, you know? And it has just been so nice to see their relationships forming with my partner's siblings because she's not like that. Like they're so open with each other. And I just know it's because they know what it feels like. She feels seen by safe, her peers, yeah, safe, seen. She can talk to that, like they all talk to each other about like life. And I mean, I've overheard them talking about conversations about their parents in heaven and like all these things that you're wonderful. Like they wouldn't go to school and talk to their friends about that.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:36

Right, you know, because I feel like sometimes friends or people are like, Can I bring that person up? Yes. And if there's anything I've learned is asking people questions about somebody that they've lost that they love is they love it. Like they love it. All they want to do is talk about it. Yeah, even with my mom whose mother passed, I can't tell you how long ago. I'm just like, could you tell me a story about her? Yeah. And I feel like I see it in her eyes, she really likes it. Being able to recount something about somebody you loved and share that. It's like nobody else is asking. Of course, I want to talk about them. I just think about them all the time.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:08

All the time, all the time. Yeah. And that's like, so I will say one thing um advice for anyone who comes across anyone that has lost anyone. So, like, if I tell someone, you know, my husband died, it comes up in conversation and it's awkward, right? People are like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And it's just like weird. Like, first of all, what do I say to that? Like, yeah, I understand you're sorry, but like, okay, thank you. And it's just weird. Because then you'd be like a bitch saying thanks. Thanks. Like, I don't know what to say to you. And this, this is just awkward. So it's like, but my favorite response has been me telling someone that my husband died, and they're like, they they did say they're like, I'm really sorry. They're like, What what is your favorite memory of him? Great. I love that because now we can turn it into something positive instead of me being like you being sad that my husband's dead, and then I'm like awkward and I feel bad for bringing it up and making you feel, you know, like we just sit here like, yeah, and then now it's awkward. Like, okay, now what do we talk about? But it's like memory. So what's your favorite memory? Or like, you know, like anything like that. That's a win-win for both sides, too. Yeah. And then we can just say something positive and then move on in like, you know, a positive way instead of just sitting here being awkward and then like, okay, death. Yeah. Yeah. Or then when people are like, well, how did he die? It's like, okay, so yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:36

I know watching people's immediate reactions to stuff like that, too, just especially being like the third person's like, you ask the question, I'm just gonna watch this funny.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:45

Well, me and um my partner, it's so funny because like we'll get the how did you guys meet? And we actually met at a widow's conference. So we love it.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:55

There's a conference for everything. Like, we're going to widow coming.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:58

No. So um we always like laugh, and I'll like look at him and I'm like, so do you want to tell them? Because every time we like tell them that we went we met at a widow's thing, they're like, Oh my god. Do you guys just like cry to each other the whole time? Yeah. So it's kind of funny. But I love that.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:16

That's adorable. And I feel like we both have really dark humor. So it's like, hey, that's that's awesome. I'm glad you you guys have found each other at Widow Cam. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:27

Seriously.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:28

Oh, that's that's okay. That's like a great way to end it. I love that for you. I'm very happy that you do have Joy in your life and you're smiling and you're happy to be here. Me too. And I'm happy you're here. Thank you. Um, and where can people find you? Um, your podcasts, your socials. Tell us all of that so everyone can follow you.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:46

Yes. So I have my personal page. Um, it's Adriana Sansom, just my name. And then just for today podcast on socials.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:55

Beautiful. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Um, and yes, absolutely. This has been a great conversation, and we're really grateful for you all joining us today, too. Have a wonderful rest of your day.