Carl Radke | Alcohol & Cocaine Addiction, Sibling Loss, & 12-Step Recovery

Carl Radke from Bravo’s Summer House shares his raw journey through high-functioning cocaine and alcohol addiction. In this vulnerable episode, Carl opens up about growing up in Pittsburgh where alcohol was the family fabric and how his brother’s struggle with heroin addiction created a life of fear. He details the $2,000-a-weekend cocaine habit he hid behind his reality TV persona and the rock-bottom moment in January 2021 that finally forced him to choose life.

Find mental health and addiction treatment near you: https://recovery.com/

Carl dives deep into the non-linear road of recovery, from the intense pressure of filming while grieving his brother’s overdose to the "hard love" of a New York City AA sponsor. He discusses his memoir, Cake Eater, and his mission to provide alcohol-free spaces through Soft Bar and Cafe. This conversation is a masterclass in turning public shame into private healing and collective inspiration. Whether you are navigating loss or seeking a more intentional way to live, Carl’s story offers a roadmap for redemption and daily discipline.

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⏱️ Chapters

00:00 – The True Cost of a $2,000 Weekend 

02:29 – Pittsburgh Roots: Alcohol as the Family Fabric 

11:12 – Mental Health: Patterns of Depression and Anxiety 

13:37 – The Shadow of Sibling Heroin Addiction 

18:54 – The High-Functioning Trap: Cocaine vs. Heroin 

26:16 – The Call: Losing a Brother to Overdose 

31:11 – Filming Through Grief: Real Life on Camera 

35:20 – Rock Bottom: The Breaking Point in January 2021 

38:52 – Hard Love: AA and the 12-Step Solution 

49:50 – Daily Discipline: Making the Bed and 5 Years Sober 

❓ Questions the Video Answers

1. How did Carl Radke’s childhood normalize alcohol use? 
2. What are the signs of high-functioning cocaine addiction? 
3. How do you process grief when a sibling dies from an overdose? 
4. What was the financial impact of Carl's substance abuse? 
5. How does reality TV fame complicate the recovery process? 
6. Why did Carl Radke join AA and what was his sponsor like? 
7. What is the mission of Soft Bar and Cafe in Brooklyn? 
8. How can simple routines like making your bed support sobriety? 
9. What is Carl's perspective on the disease of addiction now? 
10. How did Carl Radke handle public shame regarding his brother? 
11. What are the best daily practices for maintaining sobriety? 
12. How does Carl Radke define "raw dogging" a marathon? 

#CarlRadke #SummerHouse #AddictionRecovery

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I mean, I'd have a $2,000 weekend is no problem just on Coke. Quantifying that was really powerful because when you look at a number on a piece of paper, and I don't come for money, remember? Right.

SPEAKER_03 0:08

That'll get you real quick.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

I remember even my first sip, I think, found a warm six-pack in the woods, probably hidden by some other kid in the neighborhood.

SPEAKER_04 0:17

It's like 10 years old. Welcome to Recovery Cast, a podcast about the joys of recovery and the journeys that led us here. I'm Brittany Bainard, and today we're talking to Carl Radke, an entrepreneur, author, mental health advocate, and reality TV star, currently appearing in his 10th season on Bravo Summerhouse. He's the co-founder of Soft Bar and Cafe, an alcohol-free social space in Brooklyn focused on mindful consumption and premium non-alcoholic beverages and community. Carl is the author of his memoir Cake Eater, where he shares his journey through grief, addiction, and healing. Through his writing, advocacy, and work in non-alcoholic spaces, Carl uses his platform to inspire others seeking connection, recovery, and more intentional living. Here we go.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

I think more and mostly anything is just inspiration. Finding maybe a piece of them in my story. I think there's a lot of people that feel alone. All of us are very individually unique, but we all have a lot of similarities. And I think a lot of times when you're struggling or going through things, you kind of feel like you're the only one. If one person reads something I've said and is willing to look at themselves a little bit differently or check in on themselves, then that's why I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_04 1:51

So when you look back at your childhood in Pittsburgh, what early experiences kind of shaped the way you viewed substances and how you operated?

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Yeah. Growing up in Pittsburgh, you know, I I love being from Pittsburgh.

SPEAKER_04 2:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

My, you know, my parents had some ups and downs financially. So at one point in our time, we were living with my grandparents. Here I was, five, six years old. My grandparents are there, my brother and my mom and dad were all in the same house. And looking back, I mean, it's beautiful that we were all been together. And, you know, I know a lot of families maybe live like that. And but in our community, that wasn't typically normal. Yeah. You know, you you live with your parents only, and your grandparents maybe live in another house or down the street or whatever. So at a young age, I was definitely exposed to alcohol in the family with it, it was just a big part of our family. You know, Friday night pizza night at the house was pizza and beer. Yeah. Uh Saturday, watching college football, more beer. Sunday, Pittsburgh Steelers, more beer.

SPEAKER_04 2:45

Very social.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

But it was just part of the family fabric. And, you know, we had a large family and big personalities. So what I would encounter at a younger age, what I started to notice was certain family members might get more loud. Some family members were hilarious, some family members were mean.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

There was a lot of love in the air, too. So people were singing, people were telling jokes, people were telling funny stories. Growing up, it was always like alcohol was just a part of the deal.

SPEAKER_04 3:10

And then when did you first start dabbling with alcohol?

SPEAKER_00 3:13

There's a picture, I think, floating around somewhere of me grabbing a Budweiser out of my dad's hand at like age four or five.

SPEAKER_04 3:19

Yeah. I think a lot of us have that.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

A lot of us have that story. I remember even my first sip, I think at some point when I was in my teens. Yeah. Two years later, you know, similar to what you were saying, I think found a warm six-pack in the woods, probably hidden by some other kid in the neighborhood.

SPEAKER_04 3:35

It's like 10 years old. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

We we drank a warm, I think it was Milwaukee best light.

SPEAKER_04 3:40

Um, what do you remember about your first like real experiences with alcohol in your teens? And then how did those kind of like shift your relationship with substances? Cause right now you're like kind of like experimenting with it. It's more regular in your family. But then when you start drinking and stuff as a teen, how does that be?

SPEAKER_00 3:58

You know, I grew up in a town south of Pittsburgh called Upper St. Clair. But there is definitely like it's a wealthy upper middle class area. You know, a lot of people have really nice homes, they're country club members, and I certainly loved being in this community, but our family wasn't necessarily with all those means.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

And so there's always a little confusing in the community I grew up in because we weren't really rich and wealthy.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

Um, but fitting in and trying to like make friends, like I didn't have a problem making friends, but I always felt a little insecure because people would come over to see my house and it was like Yeah, you were worried about what your friends were thinking about.

SPEAKER_04 4:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

Yeah. So I think early on I was always trying to fit in or find the right cool crew. And I had good friends, don't get me wrong. But I think in our community, around your freshman year of high school, you start hearing about kids having friends over because their parents are out of town.

SPEAKER_04 4:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

Or maybe someone's garage is open and there's beer in the garage that we could steal. Right around, I'd say 10 or 11, my brother started to drink underage, smoke weed underage. And I was privy to that as well. Okay. So my relationship with drugs and alcohol from an early age was always like anti.

SPEAKER_04 5:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Like I always was like just not didn't want to be a part of it because of my.

SPEAKER_04 5:08

So you saw, okay. So you saw it happening, you're just like, I kind of see, uh, but like socially, it's okay because we're kind of in this like confined area. It's not something I'm seeking out, but if it's there, it's like fine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

If if the if the girls and guys were playing flip cup or beer pong, it would be like, yeah, this is fun. Yeah. And it was kind of what all the kids were doing, or the cool kids at least. Oh, absolutely. It seemed but when I was playing sports or had a game, I wasn't, it was all about that. I wanted to feel good in the morning. I wanted to be focused. I wanted to compete, wanted to be clear-headed. So I didn't really. I mean, I definitely drank in high school, but not a lot.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

Like I would say my the biggest drinking years of my run were in senior year.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

And I've actually told this story before, but I had an interview to get into college at Syracuse University. The night before the interview was a school dance. And I went out to the school dance. And then after the dance, there was an after party at a friend's basement.

SPEAKER_03 5:57

Standard.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Drank. I really got drunk. And I woke up the next morning very, very ill. My parents came to pick me up at my friend's house. And the plan was they were going to grab me, shower, change, and go down to downtown Pittsburgh to do the interview. My parents didn't think I drank that night. Oh. They didn't know I drank that night, but I presented myself to them. I'm just not feeling great. I'm nervous. I'm anxious.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

I was, but alcohol. Yeah. Induced. Yeah. We get to the hotel where the interviews are taking place. And they have a block of two hours where a bunch of different people are coming in for 10, 15-minute interviews. Walking up to the outside of the hotel, downtown Pittsburgh, I literally saw like a planter outside of the door of like a bush. And I'm like, I literally threw up right in front of the hotel. My dad and my mom are looking at me and I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm just so nervous.

SPEAKER_04 6:48

Butterflies.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

But I will say I did. I rocked. I felt, you know, when you pull the trigger sometimes and feel so much better after.

SPEAKER_03 6:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

That was me. I walked into the interview and I actually had a great interview. I ultimately did get into series. Congratulations. And I later, later admitted to my mom and dad that that was not news. That was hungover and straight up alcohol.

SPEAKER_04 7:07

So senior year kind of kicks off for drinking. Then you graduate, you go to New York. How does that then progress? Because we're not at home. We don't have all we don't have like the adults in our lives that hold us accountable to stuff. How is that going for you? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

I mean, I went to Syracuse University. Uh, I was 18 years old. I was still a late bloomer. Yeah. So like I didn't really mature physically until I got to college. I was, I'm six foot five now. I was six two.

SPEAKER_04 7:34

So short. Short. So short.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

But just not fill it out. Yeah. Not as mature. So I decided to join a fraternity like three weeks into being on campus. That definitely took me down a different path. Unknowingly, I thought this is what you did in college. My dad was also in a fraternity. And I just was like, I loved the guys that I had met and felt very accepted and welcome. So I joined. In hindsight, I should have waited some time because you're not supposed to pledge until the spring.

SPEAKER_04 8:01

Oh, interesting. I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

On campus, some kids do what I did. You know, you kind of find your group and you stick to it. You know, early on at Syracuse was trying to fit in and feel just a part of the group. Um, I was a really good volleyball player. I was a good basketball player. I was very, really good at volleyball. So the volleyball outlet was actually really helpful to kind of keep me on. You know, I'd have like a bender weekend, but then I also would have a game the next day.

SPEAKER_04 8:25

Yeah. And it's so hard to because I feel like that's at the point in our lives where it's like, why are we so strong at that age where we can like do those things and think you can power through?

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Oh my God. The resilience of an 18 to 25 year old kid who's insane out till three in the morning and then up in the morning to go practice or whatever. But when I had games or I was supposed to be performing, I didn't party.

SPEAKER_04 8:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:46

Cause I always knew I needed to perform.

SPEAKER_04 8:48

Yeah. So you set those boundaries for yourself with that. Yeah. How long did those boundaries stay? Or is there ever a point where they became like a little more gray?

SPEAKER_00 8:56

I'd say grayer as my as my senior year started to come around in college. Yeah. Um, I've had an amazing an amazing senior year in that I got pretty good grades. I was around a 3.5 GPA. I went to school at the New House School, which was, I mean, talked about in the United States as one of the best communication schools in the country. I mean, there's USC, there's NYU, there's Syracuse, and I was a part of that communications school. So I really took advantage of the education. I learned screenwriting and production.

SPEAKER_04 9:23

Oh, cool.

SPEAKER_00 9:23

Did all the cool things. Yeah. But that's why I went to Syracuse. Like I didn't go there to party.

SPEAKER_04 9:28

Right.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

I really leaned in on the academics and really tried to like get the most out of my experience.

SPEAKER_04 9:33

Can I ask you what mental health struggles you mentioned? Like what struggles.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, depression and anxiety in our family was pretty prominent. Um, certainly there's been tragedy and things that have gone on uh outside of even my nuclear family, other parts of my family have dealt with very difficult things. So I say mental health was just something that I've, as I've gotten older, now looking back, going, well, that was that makes sense. Yeah. The air and the energy in those environments were sad and depressive. But now learning about it has helped me kind of heal from it more.

SPEAKER_04 10:10

That is a really good perspective for people to take. And I think a lot of us don't see it until much later. Where we're like, you can see the alcohol. You can see the alcohol and like the immediate effects of it. But rarely, as like a younger kid or teen, are we like, oh, it's because my aunt struggles with this and she's been struggling for a long time and nobody's talking to her about it. And she just kind of it festers inside of her. So she gets, she loves wine.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Yeah. Yeah. I think you you nailed it. And that's something like as I've gotten older and more sober, it just helped me to like heal from those things that really have formed and shaped a lot of my perspective on stuff. I think mental illness when I was younger was like they're crazy.

SPEAKER_04 10:49

That was it, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

And that's not a not a there's no like spectrum.

SPEAKER_04 10:52

It's just like yeah, the mental illness is they're just depressed.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

But I didn't have it the understanding, I didn't have the education on some of those things. And I think as a society, we've also come around a big time on mental illness and therapy and all those good things.

SPEAKER_04 11:07

Earlier you had talked about like when it came to being compared to your brother. Do you feel like looking back that can be the same for that maybe judgmental viewing of this is somebody that's just like drinking and smoking and being irresponsible, as opposed to like, I think he's going through something.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Yeah. I mean, I didn't have that realization until many years after the fact, like until I got sober and got the support I needed. A few years before I got sober or even raised my hand and said I had a problem, I would make fun of anybody that I encountered socially that wasn't drinking. And then the saying I've learned even in my last five years almost, if you spot it, you got it. You know, anybody who's uncomfortable with your decisions about not to drink and you're making it an issue, like your your body's in the body's projecting. Yeah, something deeper. Even with my lack of understanding with the disease of drug addiction, the disease of some of the mental illness, I never clocked it or put it in that category. It was always my brother's an asshole. He steals from me, he lies to me. He's aggressive, he's angry, but he was really sick. And I didn't have any of that understanding or capacity to understand because I was also in my own drinking and cocaine-fueled nights and weekends for 10 years in New York.

SPEAKER_04 12:22

Yeah. And also you're doing it and also like kind. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but you're kind of like well functioning while doing it. You're like I thought so. You're I mean, yeah, I mean, it'll get to a point, but like you're hitting your goals, you're going to school, you got into a great school, you got a scholarship. So if I'm that person who's kind of like ticking all these boxes and I see someone else who's doing it and struggling, I'm like, you're just not doing it right, or like you're making a bad choice here. I don't get why you can't pull it together.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

I think that's a great reference and way to like connect the two because I was always able to kind of figure it out, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 12:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

Even if I had a bender weekend in college, I was sober for four days straight and like worked out and ate healthy. And then like Thursday rolls around, the boys are going out. You're like, all right, cool. But yeah, like there was an element of like, I can figure it out. Why can't he party like I can't? Why, you know, why is he struggling so much? So there was a lot of resentment and anger with my brother because he could never figure it out. But here I was, I guess I could. Just the behavior of it. You know, you I lived in fear of him at times while he was struggling because you'd have this reaction or you'd have like a flip-out. And I was five years younger than him. So I was like physically smaller too at the time. So there were elements of that I lived in a lot of fear being with living with an addict and someone who struggled with mental illness. You know, my brother and I used to share. We grew up in a smaller, very I mean, the house was built around like the coal mining era of Pennsylvania, like a small brick house. We had one bathroom. My parents had their own bedroom, and then upstairs was just one room. Take the stairs up, you look left, you look right, no door, just one big bedroom. And my brother and I shared that bedroom. So for most of my youth, I was in a room with my brother, but around 15, 16, he was drinking. He was coming home late, smoking weed. But I'm right there in the same bedroom. Think of it like he's my dorm roommate. Yeah. That's the room we were in. It was a dorm. So I was front row seats to his behavior, his things, all of his ups and downs. So it was a unique perspective because I just didn't understand what he was going through. I just thought he was an asshole. And yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:21

And you're like, why are you so difficult?

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Yeah. And I lived in fear of him. I mean, I used to wake up in the middle of the night because he'd come home in the middle of the night, banging around the house and drinking, playing music, and smoking cigarettes out the window and smoking weed upstairs in the wide open room.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

So there was just a lot of that that had occurred from I'd say age 11 till I mean until I moved out to go to college. Yeah. You know, there's many years of.

SPEAKER_04 14:42

I think those feelings are valid though. If you're 11, 10, 11, 12, and your older sibling is doing that like in your space.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Yeah, I didn't it was like confusing. It was angry, like I was angry. He was the ups and downs he was going through also at school. I mean, he had been arrested a few times. I've said this story a few times, but I'll just share it again. With trauma, sometimes in your recollection of the memory, sometimes things get a little shifted. What I remembered was I was we were watching football at my house. I was 11 or 12 years old. It was a Saturday or Sunday, but the foot the NFL games were on because I think it was the playoffs. So they play sometimes on Saturdays for the playoffs. I had a bunch of bunch. I had four of my guy friends. We were all 10 or 11, 12, and we were playing, eating pizza, watching football, just having like a hangout. I originally thought it was my birthday party. My mom's like, it wasn't your birthday party. I'm like, okay, sorry for being alive. Unintentional. But what I remembered was we were watching football hanging out at our house, and we get a knock at the door, and no other friends were supposed to come over. Everybody had arrived. And I look out the window and there's five police cars lined up outside of our house on the street. And I'm like, that's not good. And my dad opened the front door, and there was several police standing at the door. And essentially they had a warrant for my brother's arrest and a warrant to search the house.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

And my dad's like, boys, you know, get over in the other room. As he's moving us to the other room, the police have now entered. And then my literally watched my brother get handcuffed on the steps of our, you know, the steps to go up to where our bedroom was. He's handcuffed on the steps with his arms behind his back, like going, I'm so sorry, guys. I'm so sorry. And it was just traumatic. It was like horrible. Um, and the police went upstairs and searched, flipped up the mattress, looked through and through. And he my brother had been been involved in something the night before, the day before. I had like a 7-Eleven. In our town, it's called Kogo's. We don't have like a 7-Eleven thing. But it was like a convenience store, and I guess he'd been involved in something and ran from it. And they came the next day to get him because they figured out who it was. So it was just traumatic. And my dad had to call my friend's parents.

SPEAKER_04 16:44

Yeah, I can't imagine.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

You know, hey, can you come pick up Zach? Can you come pick up Matt? Can you come pick up, you know, Brent or Connor, whoever it was, and my dad had to explain the police room. That wasn't happening at their houses.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

That wasn't happening to a lot of our friends at all. You know, so we were always like feeling like the black sheep. So since like that event of the arrest and just in front of my friends, it made me really resentful of just him in general. Even though he was my my brother was my hero.

SPEAKER_04 17:11

Really?

SPEAKER_00 17:12

I wanted to be like him growing up because he was an amazing athlete. My brother, I really believe had he not was able to really turn things towards the right direction, I honestly think he could have played in the major leagues. He was an incredible baseball player. And anybody that even when the people came to his funeral, they were like, Your brother was an unbelievable athlete. And it's just sad because he had so much to offer um athletically, and I always wanted to be like that. But then as he went the other direction, it's disappointing in so much. I was like angry and upset with him because I'm like, You're throwing all this away. I will give him a lot of credit. He did bounce back in his high school career. He came back to play his senior year for the baseball team. And he even wore a fucking bracelet around his ankle. Doch gotta do house arrest shit. And yeah, he had a house arrest bracelet on at one point.

SPEAKER_04 17:55

In high school?

SPEAKER_00 17:56

In high school on the baseball team. The coach was a part of our community and a really good man. And he gave my brother a lot of grace. And to this day, I actually owe him a major thank you. Because he could have very easily said, You're not gonna make it in the team.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

They gave him a chance. Now he was on a short leash, but he played unbelievably well that season and actually had an incredible season. He played third base, hit home runs, was a starter and like a very good contributing member of the baseball team. But as with a lot of people who struggle, you know, it's like six, eight months of good shit, something happens down the other direct direction. So it was just this up and down roller coaster from the time in his times in high school. He graduated high school, but after high school, it just continued to be kind of this roller coaster. But I was always front row seats. But then meanwhile, trying to figure my own shit out, yeah. But growing up in that same community with the reputation that our name now has.

SPEAKER_04 18:47

Do you find that you ever compared yourself? Like, uh, I'm definitely not that bad. So why would I even look at like anything I'm doing's fine?

SPEAKER_00 18:54

I always like, I'm not even close to that.

SPEAKER_04 18:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

And I even did it all the way up into my days on being on reality TV. You know, I would always compare in my crazy, stupid, sick, twisted head, cocaine and alcohol weren't heroin and meth.

SPEAKER_04 19:06

And yeah, they're different.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

Different.

SPEAKER_04 19:08

Like it's classy.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

I was like, yeah, I'm like the cool guy.

SPEAKER_04 19:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Like I got my and it wasn't. It was so screwed up. I I had all these things that I would say to myself.

SPEAKER_04 19:15

That's how we protect ourselves. Like because I'm not gonna call myself out as a loser and be like, wow, I'm a big loser because I'd be doing this stuff.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

And it Yeah, it was sad because I couldn't, I couldn't be honest. I also wasn't honest about it either. You know, just when anybody would really, I was like, Oh yeah, I drink a ton, I party hard, but anybody who really knew me know I always had cocaine on me.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

So yeah, it was like a really messed up way of thinking that I wasn't as bad. Or I was better than I thought I was better than everybody.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:43

And anybody who did heroin or pills or had any of those struggles, I was like, oh my God.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

Loser.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Yeah, and I literally did that to my own brother on national TV.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

You know, the moment I've said be a few times before, but I spoke very poorly and just not okay about my brother publicly about his struggle. I even said it on the TV show at one point. And I was the part of our show where we look at the camera and talk to the camera, I basically was like, Yeah, I had a rough weekend. I was really sad and depressed. My brother's a heroin addict, and like just coming up with bullshit reasons why I had a a reason to go get drunk. My brother watched the episode. And if anybody who's going through it sees someone call you out publicly like that, I would be angry too.

SPEAKER_02 20:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

He went ape shit and basically went on the internet and reacted to what I said. Tagging Bravo, tagging Kyle, tagging Lindsay, tagging first season cast members, sh posting pictures of like, does this look like a drug addict to you? Like, really, really bad. And I still to this day feel very shameful and guilty about having so much lack of care and grace for someone like my brother, who I loved and would do anything for, and take my shirt off my back and jump in front of a car to save him. But here I am making light of his addictions and speaking on it like it was just very, very, very brutal. And I still to this day have had to like work on that because essentially that drew a huge wedge between me and him. And the last time I spoke to him was at my grandfather's funeral a couple weeks after that happened on TV. And he him and I at the funeral, it was a really my grandfather was named Carl Radke. I he was our patriarch of the family, big, strong personality. Loved that man. He was a US uh military marine. He served in the Korean War, an amazing figure. He passed, and like our family was rocked. Here I was at the funeral and we're carrying my grandfather's casket, and like me and my brother aren't speaking, literally weren't speaking because of what I had said on TV. Um at one point at the funeral, like we put my grandfather in the back of the like the Hearse Cadillac vehicle, and then we were do I will say with the military in our in our country, the proper burial, like the 21 guns and the whole thing, it was to this day, it's so moving and amazing. So we did all of that for my grandfather, but at the cemetery, I said I just I took My brother in the eye said, I love you. I'm sorry. That's the last time I spoke to him. My brother passed a few years after that, but we just it never was the same since that. And even when my grandfather passed around that time, I I mean, I think I was still drunk and coked up at the funeral, truthfully. I mean, from the night before.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

Coping.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Coping. Um, I was sad, I was angry, really depressed. And burying my grandfather was like one of the hardest things ever. And then doing it while not being able to have a conversation with my brother.

SPEAKER_04 22:27

Yeah, you yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

I gave a eulogy, which my mom still has the eulogy saved, and I'm really proud of what I said. My brother barely could figure out how to say anything because he was just so really struggling. So he got up there at one point of the funeral and like could barely say anything. He had like a piece of paper, you know. Anyone who's really going through it, he can kind of see. Yeah. I was going through it in my own way. But I was able to kind of muster up the strength to look okay and people handle things differently. Present it. Um, but it was a few years later, is that is when he he did ultimately pass from a drug overdose. But I the last time I really said anything to him was at my grandfather's funeral.

SPEAKER_04 23:02

He spoke in publicly about the loss of your brother. Um can you talk about that and what were the circumstances? And then how did that end up shaping your view of addiction and usage?

SPEAKER_00 23:16

Yeah, my grandfather passed. I think it was around 2017. I knew around 2019 I had a really rough summer where friends, family, people were like, Are you all right? And like more than normal. And I had a friend of mine who I would FaceTime and call at three in the morning. I lived in an apartment in Soho that I would drink and do coke by myself and have after parties. I'd call her at like three in the morning from New York to LA. She lived in LA, but it would be midnight for her. So she'd always answer because it was still earlier. I would do this all the time. FaceTime. I'd literally do drugs on the FaceTime in front of her. Uh drink, say crazy things, tell stories. And she's like, You need you need to get help. I'm like, Fuck you, what are you talking about? And she's like, I'm not gonna pick up anymore. And then a few weeks later, she recommended I go to Tony Robbins. I had seen the documentary on Netflix at the time, which is still one of my favorites. It's called I Am Not Your Guru. And there's put pieces of that documentary, which I still are thinking is some of the best TV I've ever TV I've ever seen. I was really moved by it. And I went to the Tony Robbins. But I knew in my head around 2019 that I had a problem. I didn't know how to tell my family yet. I didn't know how to tell my close friends, but I knew I needed to start this process. So I went to Tony Robbins in December of 2019. Seven days sober at the seminar. I had this like breakthrough about my dad and my I didn't speak to my dad for a little bit too. I was like two years without talking to my dad. I call him at three in the morning and tell him to fuck off and crazy shit.

SPEAKER_04 24:42

Okay. Just a strained relationship. Strained, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:45

For another different reason. My parents had gotten divorced. My dad had been with another woman and moved on from my mom. So there was some difficulty with that. And I just didn't know how to deal with it. So I went to Tony, did seven days sober. I had this like breakthrough. I get back to New York first day. I'm back in my apartment, call the Coke dealer, go out all night. Really? Like within 20 minutes of being home. And so I what I'm getting at is I was really trying to like go towards the right direction. 2020 happened. We all know March 2020, where everybody was, the world shut down.

SPEAKER_01 25:16

The plague.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

COVID happened. COVID was horrible on a lot of fronts. And I think we're still dealing with it mentally and just as a society. But for me personally, those beginning moments actually were like a rehab for me. I couldn't go out. I had to be forced to look in the mirror. I had to deal with this stuff. So early on in COVID, after I'd had some benders, was like, I can't, I gotta like start getting help.

SPEAKER_02 25:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:43

Real help. Found a therapist, tried to moderate. So I'm doing all this work. And now it's June of 2020. My mom calls me and she says, Your brother is going to be visiting the house this weekend. Do you want to come see? And I something I think about all the time is I could have said yes. In that particular moment, I didn't feel strong strong enough in where I was at, not only in my own body, but I was afraid of him. I didn't know what he was going to say. There was a lot of love, but I had a lot of fear. And I said, you know, mom, I'm not, I'm not ready yet. I want to keep working on my sobriety or whatever it was at that. It wasn't sobriety yet. It was this very windy road, which anyone who's recovery.

SPEAKER_04 26:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:20

Been through it knows it's not linear. It's just a weird up and down.

SPEAKER_04 26:24

But I know I'm some road in San Francisco.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

Somewhere, I'm going somewhere. And it was the right path, but it just isn't not a straight line like everybody thinks it is. So I declined the opportunity in June. We started filming another season of the show I've been on, which took place in July.

SPEAKER_04 26:46

This podcast is brought to you by recovery.com. Recovery.com is a place where anyone can find mental health or addiction treatment options specific to them. You can filter by location, price, insurance, coverage, therapy type, mental health condition, levels of care, and so much more. Recovery.com is the best place to find mental health or addiction treatment for anyone, anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 27:11

I had, you know, started filming, and at that point, I'm telling my close friends, like, hey guys, I'm not drinking right now. Like I need to just trying to be more mindful. I'm gonna moderate. So of course, I'm just gonna drink beer. I'm just gonna drink Loverboy, which is our brand.

SPEAKER_01 27:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

And anybody who knows that struggles, moderation is not your friend. If anything, it was like this. I'd be like, I okay, I'd do.

SPEAKER_04 27:31

Because then you're just waiting for the next moment. You're getting annoyed with everything else. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_00 27:36

And then I started mixing. Yeah. And then you have a blow up, and then you're like, okay, that didn't work. August 1st, my mom got remarried. So my mom had moved on after my father and her got divorced, met an amazing man. 10 days later, it's August 10th. I'm hanging in the Hamptons with my friends, having a good time. Uh that next morning, August 11th at seven in the morning, roughly 7.10. My phone was on the nightstand and it it vibrated. And it was my mom. And I don't know what I think anybody who's had a loved one who struggles and is waiting for that shoe to drop, as they say. There were many years where I was waiting for that call because of his ups and downs, his struggles. He'd been in jail. He'd been arrested. He'd been in rehab. He'd been in halfway houses. He'd been homeless. So this is a call like I've been kind of waiting on, as sad as that sounds. You never want this call, but I my body just said it's it's about my brother. I just knew it. And I answered, and my mom said, you know, your brother, your brother's dead. And I screamed. Honestly, I was like just in shock and screamed so loud that even my friends below me in the bedrooms, like on a different floor of a house below, could hear me crying and screaming through the walls. I ran upstairs. The first person I found was Kyle, who's my best friend, and just told him what happened. And I hugged him and cried. Um, I then called or texted a producer who we had a great relationship with. She had had a family member who sadly had struggled big time, similar stuff.

SPEAKER_02 28:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:59

She raced over to the house because our production team didn't stay in the house where we where we were. So she comes over and her and I cried on the front porch for an hour and just cried and cried and just tried to make sense of what it was happening. But the biggest part of it all was like, here I was. I'm like, I've got a camera in my face while I'm answering this phone call. There's cameras in our bedrooms in our house, and that's just the way this whole thing works. And I'm I love what we do. But in this instance, it's like, did that actually just happen while I'm actually filming? So it really messed me up.

SPEAKER_02 29:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:27

Um, and you know, my brother essentially was found in a part of downtown Pittsburgh where, you know, if you're homeless, if you're looking to shoot up, if you're looking to do drugs or drink or whatever, it's where people go. It's like these tent cities or these places underneath bridges. And that's where he was found. Uh police knocked on my mom's door, I think, at like three in the morning to tell, you know, what they what that happened. So it was um probably the hardest day of my entire life. Luckily, I was with my friends. I went on like this epic. I still I went I walked the Hamptons. Like I walked like six miles. I just didn't know what to do. I put on the headphones and listened to music my brother would listen to. And I cried and cried and cried and cried um just walking around the neighborhoods of the Hamptons and was able to come home that night and just be around my friends and be feel support. And then I had the opportunity to go back for the funeral. Luckily, I could because of the COVID situation. I had to like leave and quarantine for, and but I was, you know, I did go home for the funeral. And I drove from Southampton, New York to Pittsburgh, PA. I pull up to the house that my mom and my dad and where I had grown up with my brother. And my parents were divorced, remember, and they weren't on like the greatest terms. I pull up to the house and both my mom and dad are sitting there at the childhood house I grew up in. And I'm just like, it was like this beautiful moment where they came together, but then there's this immense loss and sadness. So we just hugged and cried in the house I grew up in with my brother. We just tried to rally around each other and just be there to support. Um, I think my parents were more worried about me, and I was worried about them, and we just all were hugging and trying to remember remember my brother in the best way we could, and then talk about like what the hell we're gonna do from here. And, you know, we just rallied together and tried to honor him. And my dad said something very profound, which I still hate that it works, if that makes any sense. My brother was in a lot of pain, and anyone who lives a really hard opiate heroin math on and off the streets, in and out of rehab, arrest, sickness, hepatitis, you name it, he lived a very hard life and he's in a safer place. And if anything, he's protecting you. He's looking out for you, Carl. It's just hard to make sense of that. I would do anything to get him back.

SPEAKER_02 31:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:43

Anything? Anything. I'd throw away everything I have just to have another minute with him. But the way I've had to heal and overcome all of these feelings is my brother was ultimately my biggest supporter. He was my biggest protector. And now I just he's my higher power. And you know, in the I didn't get to that point until later in my sobriety journey that that higher power piece, the God piece, and turning things over and having something outside of your it's been what saved my life.

SPEAKER_02 32:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:14

My brother. And that's what's so fucking difficult is the loss of someone you love and your best friend and your hero saves your life.

SPEAKER_02 32:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:22

So I've just my dad tells me that all the time when I'm struggling when I get sad, or I call him just to check in. You know, we'll celebrate his birthday. We celebrate sadly the day he passed. Um, other things I'll hear a song on the radio and cry like crazy. Yeah. Um, but my dad will always say, He's he's safe. He's he's safe. And that's all I can hold on to. Um, and then he's protecting me. And now I just view it like I got an angel on my shoulders. Yeah. Maybe the devil's here a little bit every once in a while. But I try to embody the best qualities my brother had and remember the good stuff. Because when you have a loved one who's had struggles, it's hard not to remember the hard shit.

SPEAKER_03 33:03

Right.

SPEAKER_00 33:03

Things that were horrible and really, really traumatic. But you have to remember the good stuff. Right. Because it wasn't all bad.

SPEAKER_03 33:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:09

And I've really had to like take a big bag of the bad shit and just go, you know what? Throw it out the window. But there was so much good and things that he was, he was a really hardworking person. He was actually really kind and generous. Um, he would he would, like I'd say I'd take my show off my back. He would take literally, he would strip his skin off of his body to give it to you. Yeah. That's the person he was. And I've tried to embody and take on some of those qualities. And even my dad told me he was at a rehab maybe a year before he passed, and the stories were being told after he passed about him. Counselors would call my parents and just check in on them. And they were telling stories about how he was in these rehabs. And he was 40, 41, 42. And as a lot of us know, with heroin and opiates, there's not a lot of older folks hanging around these rehabs. It's 20-year-old kids, 18-year-old kids, 15-year-old kids, not 42-year-old heroin addicts. Because guess what?

SPEAKER_01 34:01

They don't make it that way.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

They're not around. So even in those days, my brother was administering Narcan, helping the younger kids, being a guide, being a resource, sharing his story out loud. And that is everything to me. And that's actually who my brother was, you know, doing whatever he could to try and help other people. So I've tried to embody that. Yeah. You know, and I think a lot of my purpose and why I'm in this position is to help people, you know, and why it happened, finding that call, getting that call while the sh, you know, we're being filmed. And it's for something totally opposite of why that, why I'm there.

SPEAKER_04 34:36

But it brings to light something really big, especially in that environment too, where it's easy to highlight a party life and just like hanging and having fun. But like this is that was real life that happened. And it was stuff that I'm sure people that are watching, if they haven't experienced it, maybe they're worried about a family member or a friend. And it could have been like the thing that's like, you know what? Like, I'm not trying to get there and I want to open up the line of communication for that.

SPEAKER_00 35:02

Yeah. No, I think it it did accomplish that. So, you know, remember, this is August of 2020. This is has been the way our show, I love the way our show operates. I mean, there's surveillance cameras in the rooms, and it's not scripted at all. It's just you're real, you're going through real things. But what people forget is okay, when it happened six months later, it's now going to be on TV. So from that moment in August of 2020 till January 6th, 2021, I went off the deep end. Literally off the deep end. Almost my last day of using and drinking. I called people and was like threatening to kill myself. And like, when you do so much coke and drink so much, you literally think your heart's coming out of your body.

SPEAKER_04 35:36

Yeah, it can feel like that.

SPEAKER_00 35:37

You literally think you're dying, and or feel like you're dying. And I thought that that was going on. Um, but I just I took I used my brother's death as a license to go get drunk and use cocaine. And I now was doing it even more isolating. I was not even going. I would just sit in my apartment and drink red wine or drink Lover Boy or drink high noon and just do cocaine. Text people crazy shit, cry, listen to music, be angry, be sad, pace all the things. And I was just driving myself insane being sad and depressed and grieving the loss of my brother while doing drugs and drinking. Yeah. Um, so it was just this like really difficult thing to wrap my head around. How is this going to be a public? It was very public because I had, you know, I'd been on TV, I'd I'd shared his passing on social media. I had a ton of support. I mean, the people that reached out and the amount of it's unbelievable. It makes me want to cry too, because I never felt that level of love before, like on such a big scale when you really needed it.

SPEAKER_04 36:36

Especially for something that like you kind of grew up feeling shame and anger for.

SPEAKER_00 36:40

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:41

To get outpouring love after something so horrible.

SPEAKER_00 36:45

And what's horrible is some people were even like, not like I'm not surprised, but like almost like he lived a he lived, he lived a long time, kind of though. Like, because that's how rough my brother had been. You know, people were blown away. He had made it that long. Um, but coming to grips with this being a big public TV thing really messed me up. I like couldn't understand. But I had my rock bottom moment, January 6th, watching the news. I'm not a huge political person. I'm not gonna be political here, but watching that on the news was very upsetting.

SPEAKER_01 37:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

And I drank and I used cocaine by myself and I called people that next morning, January 7th, and like basically said, I'm gonna kill myself, kind of thing. I woke up out of all of that later that evening and I had a bunch of missed calls, really scared a lot of people. And I woke up out of that and was like, I can't live like this anymore. I'm gonna die. And what kind of person am I to be like grieving the loss of my brother and using cocaine and drinking and not actually going to get help? I was getting like a lot of support still at this time because people felt so bad for our family and so bad for me. But here I was not answering people's calls and hiding in my apartment doing coke all night. And it just like it was eating me alive. And I finally, that January 7th night, I was like, I can't live like this anymore. I literally cannot live like this or I'm gonna die. I went back to bed. I woke up the next morning, I texted a friend of mine that I hadn't really been super as honest as I should have been with, but I he had gotten sober and been going to AA. And funny enough, he had called me three or four months prior to that to ask me if I was going to AA. Yeah. And I said, no, I'm good.

SPEAKER_04 38:17

And he's like after the passing of your bill.

SPEAKER_00 38:19

But this is before.

SPEAKER_04 38:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 38:20

He was just calling to check in because he had heard I was going to Tony Robbins.

SPEAKER_04 38:23

And oh, he's like, I could be that next help for you, bud. Like, come on.

SPEAKER_00 38:27

Yeah, let me see if I can help. And I at that point said, Screw you, I'm not needed AA.

SPEAKER_04 38:32

I got seven days of Tony, I'm good.

SPEAKER_00 38:34

And then my brother passes, and then I'm going off the deep bed, and then I hit rock bottom. And now I'm like, there's I didn't know any, there's there didn't seem to be any other solution for me at that point. And he was like, Call this, call my former sponsor who was based in New York. And I called this guy, and I'm thinking this guy's gonna be like the sweetest, most soft, and gentle person. And I was like, answer, yeah. What's going on? Yeah. I don't give a shit. If you want to call me every night at nine, I'll answer. We'll read the 12 steps. We'll go through this. You're gonna do 90 meetings in 90 days. If you don't call me, I don't give a fuck. I'm 10 years sober. I and I'm like, okay. And it was like the hard love I needed.

SPEAKER_01 39:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:09

And I was like blown away by this in this conversation. I just, this is the only thing that I think can help me. I called him every day at a certain time. We'd read 12 steps in the book, big book. I wrote a big ass legal pad list of people I've harmed and really needed to make amends. I quantified the drugs and alcohol that I he had asked me. He's like, run the numbers. I'm like, on what? He's like, How much you've spent on alcohol and cocaine in the last 10 years? And I'm like, really? And he's like, do it. Wow. Do it. You're like, it's not gonna be the good work you need to do. And I did it. I probably spent three quarters of a million dollars.

SPEAKER_01 39:44

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00 39:45

In 12 years and on drinking. And and that was being a little more embellished, maybe. But I actually could look back at credit card statements, Venmo charges. I mean, I'd have $2,000 weekends, no problem, just on Coke.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:57

So quantifying that was really powerful because when you look at a number on a piece of paper, and I don't come for money, remember?

SPEAKER_04 40:03

Right. That'll get you real quick. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:04

I'm like, wait a second.

SPEAKER_04 40:05

You mean I can have $7,000 extra every month? What? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:09

Holy shit. So those were like the first steps that I finally took to really go, like, I have a problem. But those first couple weeks, talking to that guy every day and going to 90 meetings and 90 days was some of the most powerful thing because the perception I had had of the recovery community, and this is again my own just being stupid, was everybody's like haggard and rolling off the street. No one's fun. Brown paper bag and like paper bags dirty and like just on just unfortunate circumstances. First meeting I walked into, everybody's hugging and smiling and laughing and talking. And I'm like, Did I go in the right place? Just the right place. Yeah. And what I every time I kept going back, it's like, no, that you feel welcome and I actually feel like I know I'm like that guy. I'm like this guy.

SPEAKER_04 40:59

You see a lot more people that look like you than you think you would. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:01

And then you start hearing people share, and I'm like, wait a second, it's me. And then I keep coming back. And then I'm like, I literally wanted to hide in the back of the room. And then the first first meeting I go, hey man, come up here. You're sitting next to me. And it's like, fuck, I don't want to do that. But you know, you and this guy's happy and smiling.

SPEAKER_01 41:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:18

Meeting goes, hey, give me your number. Let's go grab coffee. And I'm like, right now? He's like, yeah. Just super nice and friendly. And the energy of it all was just something I never, never imagined. And that I think I'm lucky in New York. If you want to underscore New York City has an incredible AA community, I don't think every city's quite like that, but I was able to plug into a community of AA where it was like finance, overachieving alpha male type people, which is something I've subscribed or feel like at times. I'm a competitor. Yeah. I want to do well in business and in life, and I want to go for goals. So I found people that are kind of like me. And that was huge. You know, finding these other guys that were relatable.

SPEAKER_04 42:01

They're in the same situations as you. It's the same as like finding like an all-moms group. It's like, if I go into your like top performing like dudes group, I'm just like, yeah, you guys are dealing with stuff that like I just don't even care about. But the mom's like, you know how crazy it is to have to sit there with your kids all day. And they're like, oh my gosh, I get it. It's like it's really important to find community, like in your real community.

SPEAKER_00 42:21

100%. And it's there is nuance in the AA world where you have these subsets where you have gender specific. 100%. You have it could be regional specific. It could be mom, male, siblings who've passed from drug overdoses just doing A group.

SPEAKER_01 42:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:37

There's been so many like little subsets, but I found my people and then really just like dove in in that. But those first 90 days were great. People were like, was it hard? I was like, no, because I just I I needed something.

SPEAKER_04 42:51

Yeah. You put everything into it.

SPEAKER_00 42:53

Everything I had. This is like what's going to save my life. But not everybody hits that rock bottom, or not everybody gets to that point. I don't wish that on anybody. Right. I'm grateful that I had that moment. I draw upon it all the time.

SPEAKER_02 43:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:04

I was ready. I was ready. I was done. Like literally done. Cause like, I mean, even think like my nose, like I was doing so much coke and drinking so much. Like I was just literally like internally, yeah. Like my body was shutting down.

SPEAKER_04 43:17

Um not to mention the trauma that you're experiencing, the stress. Yeah. So it's like substances plus everything that your body's gonna keep score of just tacking up.

SPEAKER_00 43:26

It was just tacking up, and then okay, it's now February, March 2021. TV shows airing. Now I'm sober.

SPEAKER_04 43:34

But now this episode everything's coming out now.

SPEAKER_00 43:36

And now this episode's gonna start airing.

SPEAKER_04 43:37

What was that like experiencing people watch like one of the worst things?

SPEAKER_00 43:41

I don't even know how to describe it.

SPEAKER_04 43:42

It's like anticipating.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

It's like this anticipation, you know, like this massive crater is coming towards you. But at the same time, like on the one hand, I know people are gonna be supportive. Like, how could they not? Right. They've already shown a lot of support. But I was also like, How do I just arm myself with the tools? And the support to not let this make me feel, I don't know, make create another.

SPEAKER_04 44:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:05

And yeah, I just was really trying to find the right support. But what I did do and what I thought was important, someone at the network had asked, because I've always I've seen it before on other movies or shows where like a production member maybe passes away while the show is being made. This episode is dedicated to Joe Smith. He was our director or camera guy, whatever it is. I always thought that was really beautiful to honor him. So I suggested to the network in my production, I was like, can we honor him or put something up there? Because what I wanted was we need an organization. I need a community that I can fall back on. Yeah. And I discovered Shatterproof, which is out of Connecticut. They do amazing work for addiction. And I the founder had had a son who had had a really tragic overdose story. It was like they had resources, they had counseling, they had a community. And I couldn't field questions or answer half of these things.

SPEAKER_04 44:57

It's overwhelming too. Beyond overwhelm.

SPEAKER_00 44:59

And I'm not a doctor. I'm not an expert.

SPEAKER_04 45:01

And I you don't want to give someone the wrong advice. You're like, I'm kind of just like I'm really trying to work on myself too.

SPEAKER_00 45:06

But I'm a conduit. Yeah. I'm a connector. And I'm a I have the ability to use my platform to help drive or direct. So I'm really proud of just being able to think of that in the moment because it just was like important for me to recognize like there's be people are going to watch this. Yep. And it's going to be really it's one of the most difficult things on our show's history to watch. Like they still air that episode every once in a while, like when they play reruns, and I still get messages on Instagram about it. But when I left to go to the funeral, I was like really sad, obviously. But I the funeral ended. And you know, like after you lose someone you love, like the I'm sorry's and I'm praying for you start slowly dwindling. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 45:45

And you go back to like the real life where you are experiencing the loss.

SPEAKER_00 45:49

It's still in me.

SPEAKER_04 45:50

And now I'm not getting the text or like how do I go on when the world goes on and I still have this big piece where I feel like it's missing?

SPEAKER_00 45:57

Exactly. So I was like lost again. And I just was like, what do I do? And so I actually I just I had like prayed to my brother. I'm like, should I go back to film? And the energy I got was yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:07

So I went back. And people are like, You're crazy. I'm like, I'm gonna be with my friends and be with people that understand me and know me and love me. That day I came back, I had to quarantine for two. I was like in a hotel in the Hamptons before I could even go back. It was just I was isolated a lot. That's rough. It was sad. Yeah. Was also trying to run and work out and just clear my head. But that day I went back to the house, um, it was really special. Um I just like walked in and I like went out to the back porch and just was like, hey guys, and everybody was just like it was powerful. And I feel very lucky to have such great friends because not everybody has that. And they all knew how hard it was, but also how important being around them was. Yeah. Um and I think part of some people in my life were nervous and worried for me. You know, was I gonna harm myself in some way or was I gonna keep going off the deep end? But yeah, I mean, I think that episode will always be a part of you know, the public uh nature.

SPEAKER_04 47:06

Um it's the most human episode, and it was magical to see your friends rally around you. It really was, even in the years to follow.

SPEAKER_00 47:14

I still hold on to those. Uh I tell Sierra this all the time. I've told Kyle this all the time, but I still remember those. I remember the hug in the kitchen. I remember sitting on the porch of Sierra and the having like the friends and people who love you just be there. Putting anything aside and just like you said anything that meant anything, but you have people you love and respect, and then they drop everything to be there for you. It just shows the power of human love and connection. And yeah, it's stuff I hold on to still. And it's really helped fuel and power how I try to operate and be there for others who've lost loved ones. But I will say it's I get people that stop me all the time. Hey, my brother died too. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 47:56

Worst club ever, but like here.

SPEAKER_00 47:58

Like I'm so honored that we have this community we can be a part of, but it's just like no one wants to be a part of this club. I don't want it just as much as you don't want it. But over time, just keep coming back, keep going one day at a time. Like I just keep working at it. Some days you don't think about it, some days you do. I go to a barbershop in the East Village of New York, it's one of my favorite little hole in the walls. They play classic rock there, which is why I'd go there because my brother loved classic rock. We used to listen to classic rock, but this is like a month or two ago, and I was getting a haircut, and Sweet Child of Mine was a Guns N' Roses song that he loved and I loved. When you listen to the radio, they don't play the same song two times in a row. No, they just don't. I don't know why they would do that ever. Sitting in the chair, sweet child of mine's playing, haircut, haircut, song ends, sweet child of mine comes on again. No, and I'm just like, bro. Like that's you, man.

SPEAKER_04 48:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:50

And it was a song I keep playing on repeat all the time.

SPEAKER_04 48:52

So today you are several years sober.

SPEAKER_00 48:55

Be coming up on five in January.

SPEAKER_04 48:57

Congrats, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:58

January eighths. Technically, eighth is the first day. Yeah. There was some confusion with the seventh or eighth.

SPEAKER_01 49:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:05

The last day I literally used was in the middle of the night on the seventh. So, like at four in the morning, five in the morning, six in the morning, probably the last time I put anything up my nose on January 7th and drank. January 8th was the first official day of school.

SPEAKER_04 49:16

For a clean day now, yes. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 49:18

So January 8th, 2021, uh sorry, January, 2026 will be five years that I've not drank or put any drugs up my nose.

SPEAKER_04 49:27

Just raw dogging life, man.

SPEAKER_00 49:28

I raw dog the marathon.

SPEAKER_04 49:30

Dude, that's wild. Yeah. That was so cool. Oh, dang. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 49:35

Oh, yeah. Sorry. The raw dogging of the marathon. The marathon, no headphones. Headphones for the marathon.

SPEAKER_04 49:40

Yeah, you're several years sober, an advocate, a sober focus entrepreneur. Um, what practices do you have daily that help maintain your sobriety?

SPEAKER_00 49:50

I mean, it's pretty simple in my head, and it's stuff that I even was doing before I really got sober. It's just like things to set your day up for success. And something I've subscribed to for a few years now, even before I got sober, which is making your bed. There's an admiral, he's a military general.

SPEAKER_01 50:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:07

Admiral McRaven, MC Raven, Mick Raven. He wrote a book about making your bed everything, every day in the morning. He it was actually originally a commencement speech that he gave, which then turned into a book. And it's a very simple book, but very, very powerful. And it's like that first little task you accomplish, sets yourself up for other activities and goals in your day. It's a it's consistency, it's a routine. I make my bed every morning. Number one. I made my bed in the hotel.

SPEAKER_04 50:36

At the hotel?

SPEAKER_00 50:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 50:38

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 50:38

So the the cleaning ladies love me.

SPEAKER_04 50:40

Oh my gosh. Like, did he even sleep here? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:42

I mean, it's not perfectly, you know, military made, but it's made.

SPEAKER_02 50:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:47

I turn on my meditation app. I love the calm app. I had a producer on Summer House. Shout out to Wesley Harris. He and I never forget. He was in the back of a car one time driving to the Hamptons and he had headphones on. He's just sitting there. And he was not talking to anybody for 10. I'm like, what are you doing? And he couldn't hear me. I'm like, he gets up and say, and he's just like, I'm like, what did you just do? He's like, I just meditated.

SPEAKER_02 51:07

I'm like, what?

SPEAKER_00 51:08

What is that? And I downloaded the app and I've been a lifetime user since adding on to that health and wellness, eating a little bit better, running, working out, joining group community fitness classes, getting outside and walking, doing outdoor activities, touching grass, as we like to say. Gotta touch grass. You gotta touch grass. Those are the other elements. Um, sober support. Yeah. You need one person in your life that you can be completely honest with. If you have more than that, even better.

SPEAKER_01 51:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:38

But if you're not telling one person out loud, you're not gonna stay sober. I don't believe. It's really hard to white knuckle or live in a silo and do this.

SPEAKER_04 51:46

Right. Carl, thank you so much for joining us today. This has been an amazing talk, and thank you so much for your vulnerability.

SPEAKER_00 51:52

Thanks.

SPEAKER_04 51:53

And giving stories beyond what we've seen put out there. I really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_00 51:58

I try. Yeah. I don't have it all.

SPEAKER_04 52:00

You're doing great.

SPEAKER_00 52:01

Thanks.

SPEAKER_04 52:01

Yeah, proud of you.

SPEAKER_00 52:02

My publicist Caitlin would would agree. I mean, I have even opening up again, like it's not easy. No. Like it being vulnerable is hard. But generally on the other side of that fear, every single time, is growth. And those uncomfortable things that sometimes I don't want to step through. Step if you really are feeling it, more often you got to step through it. Yeah. Because it actually is your body saying, like, this is stuff I need. But it's scary. Yeah. So even doing these conversations, I love them, but talking about my brother so openly, it's not easy. And I'm probably gonna feel it a little bit later on tonight. Just like, damn, I'm a little naked right now. But guess what? There's someone out there, hopefully, that will listen and go, wait a second. Maybe I should check in on my brother.

SPEAKER_02 52:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:43

Or maybe I should ask my mom. That's like that is the beautiful thing. So that's what keeps me going. So I appreciate all the things you said. Thank you for allowing me the space to be still open.

SPEAKER_04 52:54

Thank you, Carl. Thank you all for joining us. We'll see you next time on Recovery Cast. Have a wonderful day.