Grace Adams | High-Functioning Alcoholism, Ballet & NYC Sober Living

Grace Adams seemed to have it all: a prestigious advertising job, a New York City apartment, and a background as a classical ballet dancer. But behind the "perfect" Type-A exterior, Grace was trapped in a cycle of secret binge drinking and 48-hour blackouts. In this vulnerable episode of Recoverycast, Grace opens up about the "emotional bottom" that brought her to her knees on her apartment floor and the courageous phone call to her mother that changed everything.

Find mental health and addiction treatment near you: https://recovery.com/

We dive deep into the unique pressures of the performing arts world, the "show pony" mentality that fueled her perfectionism, and how alcohol became a way to quiet her intense anxiety. Grace shares her journey through Ashley Addiction Treatment and the instrumental role that Release Recovery’s sober living played in teaching her how to actually live a vibrant, sober life. Now a recovery advocate, Grace discusses how she uses social media to provide the representation she never saw—showing young women that sobriety isn't just about stopping a substance; it's about starting "Life Part Two."

If you are a high-functioning individual struggling with isolation or feel like a "fraud" in your own life, this story is a powerful reminder that there is another way to live.

Subscribe to Recoverycast for more stories of hope and transformation. Comment below to share your own journey or ask Grace a question!

⏱️ Chapters:

00:00 – The "Aha Moment" with Peach Schnapps 
01:18 – Childhood Pressure & The First Panic Attack 
05:35 – The Competitive World of Classical Ballet 
06:35 – High School: "Crazy Grace" & Secret Drinking 
10:18 – College Binge Drinking & Sorority Culture 
13:30 – Spilling Wine & Family Interventions 
17:00 – NYC: 48-Hour Blackouts & The Emotional Bottom 
25:23 – Entering Treatment & Facing the "Fraud" Narrative 
34:00 – The Power of Sober Living & Community 
44:06 – Advocacy: Helping Young Women Find Hope

❓ Questions the Video Answers:

What does high-functioning alcoholism look like in young women?

How does competitive ballet impact mental health and addiction?

What is an "emotional bottom" in recovery?

How do I tell my parents I can’t stop drinking?

What is the difference between detox and learning to live sober?

Can you be a "perfectionist" and an alcoholic?

How does sober living help with long-term recovery?

How do I maintain friendships with "normal" drinkers after rehab?

What are the signs of a 12-step program working?

How can social media advocacy help in the healing process?

What is the "fraud syndrome" in early sobriety?

How do I handle holiday triggers in early recovery?

Is it possible to have fun in New York City while sober?

How do I know if my drinking is "bad enough" for treatment?

What are the benefits of a young adult-specific recovery program?

#SoberStories #AlcoholRecovery #MentalHealth

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You down that bottle of peach knots. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, girl. You peed in a kitty litter box. Maybe not the same night. No, it was the same night. Oh dang, yeah. First night. Some crazy, great story.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

Alcoholics drink.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Thanks for joining us on today's episode of Recovery Cast. I'm Brittany Baehnard. Today we are joined by guest co-host Riley Whalen. Hey. Hey. And we've got our guest, Grace Adams. Grace, thank you so much for joining us today. Thanks for having me. Yay. This is gonna be such a fun episode. I'm so excited we have the three of us here today. So before we dive in, what are you hoping that listeners get from your story? Hope. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

When I was out there struggling, I didn't see anyone that looks like me that identified as an alcoholic. Um, so that was the reason I started making content around it because I wanted people to be to identify with someone that's young, a young woman. That's all I want. Someone to see me and be like, oh, I can live a different life because she did.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

So let's get to the start of it. So I want to hear about your childhood. Tell me about what it was like growing up for you. I had an amazing childhood.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

I am the youngest of three by a lot. I became like an only child because my siblings were out of the house. What's the age gap from like the next one closest to you? Seven years and then 11 years. Okay, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So like a lot of attention was put on me and pressure, but good pressure. You know, I thank my parents every day because I would not be the person I am today without the way they raised me. But looking back, you know, I see a lot of, a lot of ways, you know, my alcoholism presented itself at a very young age. I grew up as a performer. So I was always wanting attention from afar. And, you know, I didn't really let people close to me. I loved being this like little like show pony, you know, that got paraded around. You know, I I kept a a lot, you know, inside. And it came to a point in high school where finally, you know, it started bubbling to the surface. And I had, you know, my first panic attack. And I was like, wait, something's not right here.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Um what happened with that? What was going on when you had your first panic attack?

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Great story. Um, let's hear it. So I, as I said, I grew up as a a performer. Um you like dancing and gymnastic dance? Okay, cool. Classical ballet, classical modern. Um and yeah. And uh I had always, you know, been saying, I want to do more. I want to like, I wanted to do this as my profession, like as a kid. And my parents, you know, took it upon themselves to give me every opportunity that they could find. And I was at an all-girls like private school freshman year of high school. And they found this performing arts high school, you know, five days before school started, got me an audition there. Oh, whoa. Kind of sprung upon me, like, hey, you say you want to do this. We actually have this opportunity for you. I was like, well, wait, I don't know if I I'm I'm terrified. And I went to audition there, and my mom found me in the bathroom before the audition, just on the ground. My breathing, like everything was wrong. I couldn't catch my breath. I was so terrified, just sobbing. Like, I cannot do this. I don't know, I don't know what's going on. Like my body was just reacting in a way that it never had before.

SPEAKER_00 3:33

It's really scary that first time because you're like, I can't control this. I can't make it stop. When someone's like, What's wrong? Sometimes it's like, I don't even know what to say right now. When your mom found you, what happened?

SPEAKER_01 3:44

I got up and went into that room and auditioned. I got into the school and started like three days later at a brand new high school.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

And was it in the same like like I guess like neighborhood? Is it like close by? So, like, do you have to go so it was downtown in Baltimore? And where was where's your family live?

SPEAKER_01 4:05

In like the the suburbs, okay, Baltimore County. So I knew no one. Once I got in, you know, it was still my decision because my parents, you know, wanted me to feel empowered. And, you know, I stayed up late that night deciding like, am I gonna do this or am I gonna regret this for the rest of my life? And I decided to go. And truly the best, the best three years. I mean, that's where I honed my craft. I got into college because of dance. I got a scholarship because of it, like all of these things I wouldn't have had, and like the friends that I made, and also just like the discipline and the, you know, all the life lessons I learned just from dancing six, eight hours a day, you know, um, taking care of my body, which that deteriorated very quickly when I got to college. But um, it was pretty cool.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Yeah, that sounds super amazing and like a great opportunity for you, especially if that's your passion. But the one thing I think of is like, um, okay, center stage. So like you go to the school and every it's not like a regular school where it's like, I'm kind of just in the general area, we're all being educated. But when you're in a dance school, it's like we're all kind of striving for the same thing to be the best at this, so we can compete for like these same things. So that feels like a lot of internal pressure, like it's an amazing opportunity, and you get to be around people that like enjoy stuff like you, but also like extremely competitive and demanding.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

So competitive, so terrifying. Um, like auditions for different roles of different on different shows, you know, people would get um would get pretty heated for sure. Sounds exciting though. Yeah. Yes, definitely. Um unique pressure, I feel like. Yeah, yeah. And I internalized a lot of it and you know, didn't have a ton of ways to to let it out. Um the first time I drank was in high school and I finally felt that like release. And I was like, oh my God, yes, I finally can like breathe, you know, because inside I'm like freaking out, like just trying to be as perfect as possible. Were you curious about alcohol in high school?

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Was that like, or how was that introduced to you?

SPEAKER_01 6:07

I was the person that was like so excited to try alcohol for the first time. Like I planned it out, you know, like I'm organized. So like I did that, yeah. No, yeah, I'm so type A. I was like, okay, it was like three weeks ago. I was like, okay, so here's how we get the alcohol. We put it under my friend's bed in this, you know, in this duffel bag, in this zoocase. You know, we were so like, yeah. I mean, I was terrified to get caught. Right. Um, I was so, I was so excited. And I remember that first night, like it was a water bottle filled with peach schnaps that we had stolen from my friend's mom's whatever. And I literally just chugged it, like the water bottle down. And I was like, yep, this is it. Did you have your like aha moment? Like, I've arrived. Pretty much. Yeah. Like I was the life of the party. I um everyone's like, I wasn't even that drunk. Like when I think about it now, um, I was like doing all these crazy things. Everyone's like calling me crazy grace, like I peed in cat litter box and like crazy grace, whoa. No, I I was like acting a fool, but like I had the attention, but like also no one was getting close to me because I was like nuts. And I was like, this, this is it. This is how I feel. So normal, finally. You're being a performer.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Yeah, in every way, shape, and form. That's such an interesting way to put it. Like, I was getting the attention, but no one had to get close to me. Yeah. Some crazy grace right now. An alcoholic stream. Yeah, exactly. I find it interesting. So I just want to maybe dive a little bit more into the I love the attention and I love performing. It is an outlet for me. Don't get closer than what I'm allowing you to see. What is that?

SPEAKER_01 7:45

I think there is a lot of things from you know, my childhood that I shoved down. I'm very good at, you know, shoving and um, and I was really, really scared to let those things come to the surface. So finally, when I got to the 12 steps and I had to actually look at all of these things that I'd been, you know, holding in my entire life, like I it was probably one of the most painful things I've ever done. I had never wanted to look and I never let myself look because I was too, too scared. There's like deep insecurities.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

What are, if you think back really to it, like what were some of those? What did it, what did it look like for you? Because I know for me, I had a lot of it was so crazy. I wanted all that attention, like we just talked about. But at the same time, I didn't want people looking too closely. I felt like a weirdo or like an outcast in a way, even though like externally that's not what was coming to the surface. So what what did some of those insecurities look like?

SPEAKER_01 8:41

Yeah, I mean, I was never gonna be good enough. That is something that I still hold very closely to this day. Like I, with work, with my relationships, with my spirituality, like everything I'm I'm never gonna be enough for myself or anyone else. Because I I continue to strive for perfectionism, which I'm still working on to this day. Like I just didn't even know who I was as a person. Yeah. And like, so I was scared for people to really see that, like, because I I performed, I put on this front that I was like this very confident, very outgoing, like lovey person. To be fair, that is that is somewhat true. Um but you know, there was parts of me that like I couldn't really figure out. And I was scared for people to find out that I was like, you know, a fraud, that I like actually wasn't all of these things that I portray.

SPEAKER_00 9:30

Yeah, because we don't concentrate on like the good parts about us. I think we just doubt them so much that even like the little thing or small interaction, it just makes you feel like you're not good enough. And if other people see that, nobody's gonna want to be around me because I'm just like not worth it to them. So you down that bottle of peach snaps. Hell yeah. Um, maybe not the same night. Yeah. Um no, it was the same night. Oh, dang, yeah. Iconic. First night drinking. When does this turn from fun to like you're seeking it out regardless if you're in like a social situation?

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Well, I went to college. That's where like my drinking really ramped up, you know, because I was like, I'm a college girl, I was in a sorority, I was, you know, I was trying to fit the mold. Um did it feel expected? Yeah. Yeah. 100%. And also I put that that pressure on myself too. Like I thought that's what college was like, you know, like how it's portrayed in the media, and just like, you know, you go to college to experiment, to do drugs, to drink, to not get a degree. No, I mean, yeah, you get something at the end, I guess. But like it's it's to like, you know, really figure out who you are. So I I took that very seriously, you know, my routine in college. Um, so I was a dance major, um, and we had 8 a.m. ballet every day, which painful. Um, but so yeah, I would go through my day, you know, dancing. I did some academics, and then we'd have rehearsal until like 10 p.m. And then I would race to my dorm or the apartment I was living in, drink as much as I could, get ready super fast, and go out to the bar or the club until the morning, and then wake up wherever I was and figure out how to get to ballet, sweat out all my vodka there, you know?

SPEAKER_00 11:24

At 8 a.m., you had to have a slick back bun and in a leotard, full beat. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

It's a light beat. You're a ballerina.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

And sometimes I made it there, very hungover or still drunk. Sometimes I just didn't make it, you know, it got to a point where it it just got to be too too much. Did the like instructors or teachers around you notice this? There were some certain moments, yes. Yeah. Where I was like, I feel sick. And they're like, we know, please sit down. Yeah, I can smell it. Um literally can smell you. So that that was that was the grind. That was exciting to me. That was like what I thought I was supposed to be doing.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Running on fumes, dude.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

Was it just you and the ballet program doing this? Like, or were you going out with the gray pops and ballet? Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

No, we had a squad. Okay, okay, cool. Um, I thought everyone was doing the exact same thing as me, as you know, and um looking back, no, you know, everyone was out and like drinking and having fun, but like I fully took it to the next level. And so you recognized your drinking habits were like different from the people around you? Not when I was in it, not at all. Okay. Um, I actually thought I was like not the worst one. Someone's a little. Um like at least I'm not that girl. No, literally. And I realized people were doing that to me. And I was like, dad. You know, like that, that was a wake-up call. Um, but no, it was all very normalized. And like showing up to rehearsals drunk and just trying to make it through. You know, I didn't really see like a problem with it, you know, until I, you know, I graduated and moved back in with my parents because I was in the middle of COVID. And then I started seeing people like drink normally, and then I was like, wait, this isn't normal. So that's the first time I kind of realized that like maybe, you know, I have kind of an issue. Went back to school because that's where I felt normal and comfortable about where I could drink and drug, and um went to grad school and got a more practical degree in marketing and advertising, and did the exact same thing for another two years.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

Um when you were at home that summer, or sorry, like during COVID, during your spurts at home, did you continue like the same drinking habits? Yeah. And because you're not with your squad now, who are you drinking with? Um, myself. Okay. So you're drinking a lot.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

And I had one friend that was home with me that would drink with me. But um the majority of it, it was me alone drinking.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

When you're alone, did you ever think like this is unmanageable? Like this is an issue. Oh, like yeah. Yeah, because for me, like it was when I started isolating that I started noticing like my drinking patterns when I'm alone. You're just in that recognition, like you're with yourself, and you're like, maybe having a whole one, two bottles of wine on a Sunday night watching TV, like that might be a problem. Yeah. You're having thoughts like that.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

Yeah, definitely. There was a moment where I had passed it out on the couch and my parents were going to work the next morning, and like a whole bottle of red wine was like spilled all over me. And like I just remember my dad leaving for work that day and just like the look on his face. I'm like, it said everything. Everything. What did that feel like? Yeah. So much shame. Yeah. You know, that that stayed with me for probably like an hour, hour and a half, and then all of a sudden it's gone, you know? Which is like the insanity of this disease. 100%. Because I did feel that and I was like, fuck, like I need to figure my shit out. And all of a sudden it was your brain can work its way around that. Did you the mental gymnastics was just like, okay, we're good.

SPEAKER_02 14:49

Yeah. I'm fine. It's like mouse brain or monkey brain, as they call it. Like it just re-like you have a moment of clarity and it's just like right back in it. Yeah. Did your parents ever talk to you about it? Yeah.

unknown 14:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

My mom intervened on me like twice during this time? Yeah. After my dad's 65th birthday party, where I was a complete wreck. Um, fell down the stairs, passed out, was screaming, all the good stuff. But you want it like your parents' birthday party. Yeah. The next morning I woke up, my mom was like, Do you need help? Like, really. Yeah. And I wasn't ready. I was like, it was just that night, you know, all of the excuses that I continued to, you know, I'm not managing it.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

I can do better. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

It was a birthday party. You're supposed to do that. So, like, yeah, yes. Um, and then another time, I think it was after New Year's Eve, took it too far. Yeah. As I always did. And I remember my parents said something that morning of just like, I hope this isn't what you were like, like out in the real world. Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, no. What are you doing? No, literally, this is tame. Like, I can't say that, but like, that is what I'm thinking. I'm like, okay, I was coherent. This is a problem. I didn't black out, so we're fine. Um each time she, you know, brought it to my attention, I wasn't ready, and I was still holding on to that alcohol. It was my friend, you know? It really helped me.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

Because you're like functioning, like you've made it through college, you're like doing the things, you've got degrees. You're like, I'm like hitting all my marks. What do you mean? This obviously isn't a problem. So then, yeah, like, but it is. But like then, at what point? So it's kind of this cycle, and you it keeps on going. At what point then? So it's in 2022, you have like a turning point. What happened in your life at that time?

SPEAKER_01 16:40

So I moved to New York City and I got a job. Like, like you said, I had everything. I had the job at the big ad agency, I had the apartment in New York City, I had the boyfriend, I had a great family, I had all the things on the outside. So there was obviously nothing wrong with me. Yeah, you're perfect. Naturally. No, literally perfect. Thank you. Um and you know, I got into a new cycle where I was really regimented at work, you know, Monday through Thursday, where I like wasn't drinking heavily and, you know, was really focused. And all of a sudden it was Friday at 4 p.m. and I was blacked out until Sunday night. And that happened for seven straight months. And, you know, the Thursday to or the Monday to Thursday got, you know, Monday to Wednesday, Monday to Tuesday. And then just Monday to Tuesday, and then just maybe Monday.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

What did light drinking look like? Like a bottle of wine. Okay. And what did heavy drinking look like?

SPEAKER_01 17:31

Um more. Definitely more. I was a big gin person. I love gin and tonics. So I would probably start with, you know, a couple cocktails and then turn to wine and then turn back to cocktails. New York City really ramped up my my drinking. And it was also part of the culture of like where I was working and where like my friends and and I again, it was all normalized in my head. And finally one morning, I guess it was afternoon. I didn't wake up in the morning, you know, on a Sunday. Um could never. Um, I woke up, you know, or came to. And I instead of like I would always like text my friends, call my friends, like what what happened? Where are my things? What's going on? Like, so confused, been gone for the last 48 hours. What's up? Like blackout for like days. Yeah. And instead of doing that, I just got to a point where I called my mom instead. And I don't even remember like how it, I just all of a sudden my mom was on the phone and I was on the floor in my I'm always on the floor. Um what is it with the floors of my apartment? And I was like, I can't, I can't stop drinking. I don't know what's going on. I need to leave New York City. I need to leave my job because in the moment those were still the problems. Um but I was like, all I know, I know nothing, mom. I just I can't stop drinking. Grace, that's huge that like that's what you're able to say to her.

SPEAKER_00 18:59

Like it's I don't, it just came out of it. Like, I don't know like a moment of desperation. Like, I literally don't know what else to say. I'm just like, I can't do this anymore. And I'm I have a problem. That's huge. I can't stop drinking.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Um and she just said, okay. I mean, I think she was she was ready for me for a very long time. So she was pretty, you know, I wouldn't say excited, but she was like, okay, she was hearing it come out of your mouth, asking for help, pretty much.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

It's powerful too, because you hit like an emotional bottom. I think some people think that like rock bottom has to be like losing the job or like losing all your friends or waking up on the floor every morning and drinking around the clock. And there's so much power. I love hearing people when they just discuss the emotional bottom because it's like so much worse, you know? And it brought you to that point where you were willing to get help. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

I was in so much like internal pain that I like physically, I my yeah, my body was shutting down, but also like I my brain just I couldn't handle the anxiety, the depression, the self-hatred anymore. I was it, I was done. I went home and what happened next. I had one last night of drinking by myself, which I was super happy about. Um, because I was like, once my mom knows, it's over, you know. Like I got some more wine and popcorn, which was like what I literally, yeah, every single night that was that was dinner and it was delicious. Chic alcoholism. Thank you. Um, I got super fucked up and researched like rehabs and IOPs and therapists and addiction counselors and all of these things to like, you know, make my plan to get sober. Because like you know, yeah. Oh no. Because I know what's best for me, you know.

SPEAKER_02 20:46

Um fix a broken brain with a broken brain grade. You didn't know that yet.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

No, no, I was still in the delusion. But like when I got home, I was like, so guys, I have a plan. I went to the rehab that my brother also went to. So I was like, it worked for him, it must work for me.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Um did you and your brothers, if you're open to sharing it that or how he feels about it, did you struggle with the same stuff? No. No.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

It it like kept kept me out of recovery for a while because my alcoholism didn't look like his at all. And so from I mean, from an early age, I saw what alcoholism looked like and I was like, don't have that.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Yeah. When you were researching all your stuff, treatment and stuff, were you drunk at that time? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was that night. Yes, last night of drinking. The last hoorah. And what was that experience like looking for treatment while you're drinking or drunk? I was like, I found the solution. I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

Spotted up. Yeah. I was so excited, and I was like, I finally am gonna get it together, you know? Seeing reviews, trying to figure out like what would be good for me because I'm a unique alcoholic, you know, that needs certain things.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

And um did you think you were an alcoholic, or did you think like you just made

SPEAKER_01 22:00

had a problem because I I mean in my experience like I didn't think I was an alcoholic but I definitely knew like alcohol was a problem which now I'm like you mentioned that your brother you know went to treatment so I I guess I'm wondering like did you what did you think an alcoholic looked like his alcoholism was very like loud and not like physically loud but like you know there was destruction in the family there was you know the very obvious there was a lot of like external consequences that happened like more disruptive yeah more disruptive mine was you know I kept very close to me um until the very end when I was you know couldn't keep it together anymore um but no I didn't think I was an alcoholic I thought I had you know a problem with alcohol like even when I was in rehab they're like okay Grace like say you're an alcoholic like you know how you like introduce yourself and I'm like yeah not gonna do that like okay you can say you're powerless over alcohol I was like okay fine I'll do that agree yeah it's a big hi I'm Grace I'm powerless over alcohol and then I was like sounds like kind of a pussy like just say you're an alcoholic like so what's the difference? No so stupid. So by the end of treatment I was like no I'm fully an alcoholic I love being an alcoholic best thing about me for sure.

SPEAKER_00 23:20

And I really learned to like identify with that. If all you're doing is putting yourself up to this picture that you have in your head of like alcohol alcoholism is XYZ and only this but I don't then I'm definitely not it's like that's what separates like that extra step from like getting help thinking you're just like not me because there's a picture in the dictionary and I'm like nothing like that picture there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

I'm not an old homeless man living under a bridge.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Damn bridge in the homeless yeah or a bag of alcohol those oh yeah the brown bag yeah yeah never done that so and I've actually never seen it too so like the propaganda is just out of New York City.

SPEAKER_01 23:57

Yeah right different places come on come on come on that subway come back come on every day come on now what emotions or fears came up when you first admitted I am an alcoholic I mean the jig was up which was really scary like I said once my my family knew there was really no going back and so I was I had to make sure I was very certain like this is what I wanted and I was super ready. I was really really scared like I couldn't stop crying like until I cried on my way to treatment I cried leaving treatment I cried leaving or going to transitional living and leaving there like everything was just I finally you know started to feel all of these things I had squashed down for years and years and years. And they started coming to the surface and my body didn't know what to do with them. Like I remember feeling rage for the first time whoa um I like thought I was like I said like a happy joyous you know bubbly person and I felt rage and I literally went up to one of the techs in rehab and I was like I don't know what's going on with my body. You're probably just upset. And I was like I don't do that. I don't get upset. What does it happen here? So I started feeling all of those things and it was so uncomfortable like I just didn't feel like I was in my own body like in my own skin. I can still like feel that viscerally today. And your first treatment center is that when you when you went to release I went to Ashley addiction treatment in Maryland for 30 or 28 days. Um and then from there I wanted to move back to New York but I didn't want to go back to my apartment where like everything kind of went to shit. Um I was I was scared. Um and so they suggested release and I lived there in their program for four months. And that's where like rehab is where I you know stayed sober and like got clean but release is where I learned to like live soberly like yeah in the world. And learned that like my first four thoughts are incorrect. Like I needed someone there telling me like I cannot go to the bar with my friends and watch football. Yeah. Three days out of rehab which I thought was a fantastic idea.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

This podcast is brought to you by recovery.com recovery.com is a place where anyone can find mental health or addiction treatment options specific to them. You can filter by location price insurance coverage therapy type mental health condition levels of care and so much more. Recovery.com is the best place to find mental health or addiction treatment for anyone anywhere. I'm gonna just challenge myself a little bit I can do this.

SPEAKER_01 26:49

My team is playing I don't think you understand like I got into a screaming match about it. Dang um but like I needed those those boundaries and like someone to hold me accountable and you know I was breathlessing every day.

SPEAKER_00 27:02

I was drug testing I was really you know making sure that I had like the best possible chance to like recover fully prior to going into Ashley had you gotten any type of like therapy or had treatment for like seen a therapist or had any type of treatment for something prior? I had seen many therapists.

SPEAKER_01 27:22

I'd love to ghost therapists so sorry.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

Been there done that I started telling them on like the first thing I was like we have to stay scheduled pre like ahead of time or else if you cancel me I will never come back. I could dump out everything and then I'll be embarrassed and never come back. No yeah literally just collecting therapists.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

I have so many I don't even remember some of their names I feel so bad. Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

Yeah when they call you to make sure you're okay it's like you're giving me anxiety stop no yeah so I've had a ton of therapists um but private therapy sessions not like an outpatient or like a regimented okay so just private therapy for anybody treatment is a lot it's a new situation new people a lot of times it's outside of your normal comfort zone or what has just been like your bubble for the longest time especially for someone who likes to like people who don't like the unknown I want stuff scheduled. I want to know what is about to happen and I like to curate the things around I want to hear what treatment was like for you. So like what was it like the day leading up to it? I want to know what was going through your head and I want to know what like that drive to that center was like I had no idea what to expect.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

And that was the scariest thing in the world for me. Um I could not stop crying for the life of me driving there when I got there the day before like I was just I think I think the couple days before I was like preparing to go there and completely dissociated like I was like whatever happens is gonna happen. Like I can't like I couldn't even think about you pretend to be chill about it. You're like it's whatever happens happens. Yeah I'm at like film me dinner I'm like it's gonna be great you know and then all of a sudden we get in the car and I'm like it's real oh my God. Um and I remember when we drove down there's like a really long driveway to get there. And I just remember seeing all of the buildings and I was like I have no idea what's about to happen. But they did, you know, they gave me a schedule which was super helpful. They're like we heard you like these first thing when you walk in thank you so much. Um but like looking at the schedule I had no idea what any of these things meant.

SPEAKER_00 29:25

I just knew I had to be at certain places at certain like the therapy sessions group topics and stuff like that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

Yeah I was like okay this is great. What is this? Yeah. So my first day in treatment yes I had been like you'd already kind of detoxed. I yeah I was fully fine. So when I got there my brain was like okay I had some downtime they didn't want me to go straight into group so I got there and I was sitting in my room and I was like go work out. That makes sense to me. Yeah so I'm like running on this treadmill um like because that's gonna fix me. And the nurse comes over and she's like because I had like the the bracelet on like I just got there and she's like you literally can't be doing this. You could like because I thought I would in withdraw I was still in like the detox center before they moved me to the real residential care. So I got in trouble immediately for like running. They're like you're gonna faint and I was like I'm fine. Watch me no like I ended up loving rehab you know I same I was kind of the person that was like really happy to be there. Always raising your hand first. I know the answer no like I was annoying um fully and I know that um because I was with they put me in like the young what do they call it young adults young adult program. So I was with like 18 year old boys who like oh God love it. My worst nightmare um who like didn't want to be there was just talking about getting like drunk after and like all these drugs and I was just like so I hung out with like the older men and women um and those became my people. I had a I had a great time I mean aside from like all the there's a lot of work to be done for sure and we were just even scratching the surface like with all of the stuff that you know was inside of me but I was super amped that I was sober. And like when I got out of rehab I was like why haven't I done this sooner like sobriety is amazing.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

What's going on here? And you have a lot of older people in my experience I had so many older people who were like this is my third, fourth fifth time trying to get sober. I've lost my kids you're in a position like of power getting sober so young like you you don't realize what you have go out there in the world and make us proud that was like my experience and that was really helpful for me in that time I loved rehab too.

SPEAKER_01 31:47

Also shout out to you for showing up sober because I could never I didn't know I had like an option you know like I mean I could have showed up drunk what? I hear people's stories now and I'm like wait you guys were drinking on the way what yeah oh my God I was drinking on the way no I was not hopping on a trip no so okay so how long did you stay at Ashley?

SPEAKER_00 32:12

28 days.

SPEAKER_01 32:13

28 days and then you had uh like a discharge plan that you did step down I met with like the aftercare coordinator like my first week there they were like if you want to not come back here which we don't want you to come back here like no I I don't I mean I love you guys but please um you need to take all the precautions all the suggestions um so they suggested release recovery I lived there in their housing for four months and beautiful housing oh my god the nicest place I'll ever live in New York City I yeah I will I got I was in New York well like a month ago and I went and visited and did a walkthrough of release it's stunning one of the sober living what what location was that one?

SPEAKER_00 32:57

I was in the Upper East Side. Yeah I know right Google this it was honestly the coolest house I don't know if you can call it a house I don't know what you call them apartments or like a brownstone yeah yeah I know right a brownstone I was a brownstone um but it's gorgeous is is a really cool environment and I love I mean after care is so important because you can go somewhere to get sober and then educate yourself on like the okay this is what I should be doing but it doesn't like end there at the 28 days you really do need to learn how to live a sober life like holistically like how do I just like go out in this world and do things or for some people it's like um I've never had to rent an apartment before I've never had to live with other people having people there to help you with those steps when you get out so you don't end up back there is huge. So what was your experience like with sober living? It was amazing.

SPEAKER_01 33:53

Yeah it was like I was in like a sorority house it was like 12 girls all under the age of probably 40 trying and trying to stay and like stay sober. Yeah. We all went to meetings together like we had family dinner every night um I really loved it. And um I mean by the time I was you know four months in I was kind of ready to leave um and get my own space because you know you're in a co-living it's co-living yes but I had an amazing time um and like the the community that surrounded me there and the community that they introduced me to like in the 12 step community in New York City and just like the way they helped me integrate into the recovery community was exactly what I needed. It was so helpful just to get those connections immediately and get a sponsor and start working the steps and like have people to go to meetings with and you know the community aspect is huge. Like instrumental I fell in love with the people that worked there and like the just the way like they made you feel so loved. Yeah I ended up working thereafter because I was like I can't leave this place.

SPEAKER_00 35:05

What do we what do we mean? They said don't come back so I just stay now now I work here. Yeah. Chris that is so cool. I want to know like what was the most surprising thing about like sober living for you but also residential that first 28 days that people had been there like 17 times.

SPEAKER_01 35:22

Yeah um I don't think I fully understood like what was going on like I I had no idea what to expect. So I was in there with people that you know I didn't think you know my story was bad enough like hearing all of these people you know they lost their child they lost you know all of these things and I was so scared to tell you know at the end you tell your story and I was like I'm not worthy of being here. You didn't even feel good enough to be like an alcoholic like no I didn't because my story wasn't bad enough. And I was like you know my my counselor there really helped me understand that I do qualify which was super helpful. But also that I deserve the same healing and you know support and recovery that that everyone else does. Right.

SPEAKER_00 36:17

You don't have to wait to have your children taken away or your home or lose your job or friends around you to be able to be like is my story good enough now to get help like nobody wants that.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

Nobody wants that. And also that they said in rehab like we were sitting at a table I guess it was dinner time or some some meal and they said like look to your left look to your right like this at this table right now only one of you is gonna stay sober long term and I was like guys come on no we're all like I had the belief that everyone that I surround myself with there was gonna stay sober forever and yeah I'm the one that is sober now.

SPEAKER_02 37:01

You mentioned community community's huge for alcoholics especially in early sobriety um I guess I have a two part question. So what does your community look like today and what do you do to maintain your sobriety today?

SPEAKER_01 37:15

So as I said I work with all the people that you know kind of help me get sober. So my community has you know grown in that way like it's it's stayed central to release but I've met so many amazing people through that community um they've truly become my family and I'm so grateful that I have them I I call them my second family because I I love going into the office every day you know I love we travel a lot for work and you know get to experience people outside of the office and um I maintain my sobriety today is working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got a sponsor right away when I got out of out of treatment I still have her today. Yes three years later I know that's awesome the longest like relationship healthy relationship I think I've ever had healthy keyword um I mean I love going to meetings I love hearing people's experience um because the moment that you can relate to a 75 year old like gay man that you're like I would like you see him like okay first of all what what's going on with you let let's talk about it um and then he starts speaking and you're like no that is exactly how I feel that moment happening and like it lights me up inside every time that happens in a meeting um but also just like working with other individuals in the program like um as they say seeing the lights turn on for other people like it ignites me back up again like for something I've learned in sobriety is that like I can't fully see the change in myself um but seeing it in other people makes me recognize it in myself. It's like holding up a mirror. Yeah that's huge so seeing someone come out of treatment and then seeing them like four or five months later it's like seeing all the work they've done to get to where they are I'm like oh my God yeah I I have done that.

SPEAKER_02 39:13

And here I'm beautiful Grace. And that's all that matters is helping other people. That's it's huge for my sobriety. And I think that's one thing I really love about your content too is like you're I can just tell like you are fired up about helping young women. It's hard out here like on social media trying to talk about sobriety and like encourage young people. So I just wanted to say like thank you as like from one sober content creator to another like your content is super helpful for me. And you're helping me and so many other women I just wanted to put that in love this energy.

SPEAKER_00 39:46

I love this energy. So what is life like like what I guess what were those first few months outside of sober living like and like how has that evolved now?

SPEAKER_01 39:58

My sponsor reminds me all the time that um the world or the bubble I live in like with the majority of people being sober is not a normal bubble that I live in. I'm very blessed that I have that because like my experience feels very normalized. But um the first couple I guess experiences I had with my normal friends, you know, these are all my friends from college like I've been friends with them for like 10 years now and I still see them every single week. And um the beautiful part of the program I've made amends to them our relationships you know feel so much better because I'm showing up as the person that I know I'm supposed to be and not and not crazy Grace. Yeah not who alcohol made maybe um I I I get very overwhelmed very easily um overstimulated and um you know I just started having like one one off coffees with like each of them. And then you know I'd bring in like a bigger group in and like we'd because I couldn't even think about like going to dinner with like 10 girls. Like that made me want to shrivel inside and die. Like I would sit there at that table and cry feeling so lonely. And they're like can we drink and I'm like oh my God please stop talking no like yes of course do whatever you want like I don't I don't care um I had to take really small baby steps for sure um with all of that and like finding new ways to connect with these people was also something I dealt with like I was like okay let's go to a workout class let's go for a walk in the park like anything I need something to do with my hands because like if I'm like let's bake something together to be mobile. Yeah because I'm just sitting there I'm like this should this is what these were made for drinking.

SPEAKER_02 41:38

Yeah that's all I know we're made for drinking.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

So if we're not drinking I need to be doing something with them.

SPEAKER_00 41:45

How was that received though? Like you've you're going back yeah it was that's so good.

SPEAKER_01 41:50

Yeah they're the best freaking people ever like they were so happy for me. I mean I think at first they were very terrified um you want me to do a spin class more so I like you know turned off my location I ghosted them when I went to rehab I was like did you tell anyone or did you just um I told a couple people but the majority I I kind of just yeah bye bye my away message. Yeah um but once I got out they like visited me at release you know they you know came to support me in all of you know my big accomplishments like when I got a year sober they all showed up and cry um there it's amazing and now like last week and I went out with them until 2 30 in the morning. Yeah I mean I know no believe me I thought you said you were an early bed person like me. I am but like I get to I get to show up for their birthday parties and um still there not have them take care of me on their birthday. Yeah on their birthday. Right.

SPEAKER_00 42:53

Um a key point yeah their birthday maintaining those relationships is super important to me because I grew up with these people like college is where I really found myself but um how is the what's the difference in how you used to maintain your relationships then as opposed to now I I didn't maintain them at all.

SPEAKER_01 43:12

It was just like if you want to go out let's go you know and and now I try to check in I try like I try to be a good friend and show up to their things so that they know they feel like I'm supporting them. And it's a pretty stark difference. You know I actually like show up and I'm engaged you know and see them in the daylight.

SPEAKER_02 43:31

Yeah it's ironic because I used to think or like alcohol always promised to me connection and I realized like it could never keep that promise and getting sober it's it's super cool because you actually get to connect with people and like remember what they said and shared about their life and like like you said be there for a friend and like listen to them and actually be like wow it's not all about me.

SPEAKER_01 43:53

Um oh my God I think everything's about me. So like getting outside of myself is so important. Yeah it's like Being there for other people is one of the biggest blessings that I get.

SPEAKER_00 44:05

Um, so you're at Release Recovery Foundation, and you use your platform to show that recovery can be super fun and vibrant, and there's so many wonderful aspects of it. Um, how has advocacy changed your own healing?

SPEAKER_01 44:20

So I started making content when I was living in sober living, like literally counting my days. I'm like, I have 36 days. This is what's going on today. Like oh, cool, like a day by day. Yes. Like if you scroll all the way back, which don't do it's so cringe. Come on, I'm gonna don't tell me what good time. It would show like my really mundane days. Like I'd be going to like Iop, getting coffee, and like maybe working out. Like that, that was like it. But like that was that was keeping me sober. And like that's it's your accountability, your check-in. So I started doing that and I was just posting it honestly for accountability for myself. Yeah. Yeah. And then I started making like a couple like trendy things, and like all of a sudden, like one hit, and I was like, okay, why are thousands of people looking at me? I one went viral, and I was like, oh my God, I think I have something here. And then I started receiving so many DMs. And I was like, I don't think you want advice from me. I'm still in sober living. I don't know what the what the hell I'm doing.

SPEAKER_00 45:22

I know now that one day sober is more than I was just gonna say, I was like, they're looking at you like I wish I was that far. And they reach out and you're like, don't, I haven't gone anywhere. And that person's thinking, you are 10 times further than I've ever imagined myself. That's huge.

SPEAKER_01 45:42

Yeah. It was it was really scary. Wait, me. Um, but really beautiful. Um, and of course, I like I was scared of judgment of others and all of the things when you first get started. That now I literally could not care. Yeah, I've posted the most insane videos of me. Same. And I'm like, if you don't like it, please unfollow. Yeah. I'll be happy to say bye-bye. Like I said, when we started, the only reason I was making content was to be that person that someone could like see their struggle in and be like, oh, she's made it out. Yep. Um and I've gotten to meet certain people through Instagram and TikTok that um I've helped, which like I still can't really like fathom that. Like I met someone this weekend um at the marathon. She was running for the release foundation, and she's like, I have seven and a half months sober, and you're the reason I got sober. And I'm like, what? And she's like, Your content. And I was like, on my Instagram? I I I I am it blows me away.

SPEAKER_02 46:53

So if somebody who is out there looking for treatment right now, what would you want them to know?

SPEAKER_01 46:58

Uh I would want them to know that the program is not as important as how you feel and if you're ready. Because a monkey can deliver the message if you are willing and you're ready. Yes. So yes, do all the research that you'd like and do it drunk like I did. That sounds great. Um, but if you you can go to the nicest place, the best care in the world, and if you're not ready, it's not gonna work.

SPEAKER_02 47:25

That's right. If you were the friend or family member of someone seeking help or trying to stay sober, how would you support them?

SPEAKER_01 47:34

When I was newly sober, it was really hard for me to say like what I wanted and what I needed more than what I needed. Yeah. Um and my family having the patience and you know, understanding how to ask the right questions and get me to actually say what I need. And like the first Thanksgiving and the first holidays, I couldn't be around people drinking. And like I had to let them know, but that was really scary for me to say that. Um because I didn't want them to think that all of a sudden I'm just gonna start yeah, re I'm in a relapse like at Thanksgiving dinner. Um but I was just like still just so uncomfortable with it. Um and so creating an environment where like the the identified patient can feel safe and comfortable, like uh coming to you with whatever they need, you know. If it uh if they want you to continue drinking and like be as normal as then that's what you should do and not uh question whatever they're asking you for.

SPEAKER_00 48:35

Yeah, I feel like that's huge, giving people the space. It's like when you're talking, it was like the first thing that came to my mind is like just approaching someone and being like, you're worth speaking your needs to me. Like it is worth it to me. Whatever you need, just say it and we can work together like through the thing. If you can't have this cool, like we'll make sure that that's not it. I think that open line of communication and providing that space for people is so huge. Cause I feel like a lot of times as a people pleaser or as somebody who's like, I'm just trying to make other people happy, which is why I have let myself go so bad. We can really easily get in this habit of if it looks fine, it's fine. And I can keep my own like feelings and needs about things quiet, but like continue that in your recovery and like people like the helpers, the people in the family, the support systems, just like always offering that like I'm here and you're worth it. Like you're worth it. All your needs are worth it. Grace, there's somebody out there, they're struggling, they are questioning if they have alcoholism, if they have a problem drinking. What is a piece of advice that you would give them?

SPEAKER_01 49:45

I would say there's another way to live. There's another side to this life that I didn't know existed until I got sober. Um, I call this my life part two because I truly believe that um I was not fully living until I got sober. And um there's there's just a there is a different way to live. Um and you don't have to be filled with shame and guilt and anxiety and depression. Um I thought that's how I was supposed to live the rest of my life and just try to medicate it. And that's not the case. Just make one decision and your whole life will open up.

SPEAKER_00 50:26

You can light up when you talk about how cool it is to be sober too. Grace, thank you so much for sharing your story and coming in here. It has been so much fun. Riley, thank you so much for co-hosting too. This has been such a fun time. I'm really grateful for everything that you do. Um, I met Grace, like actually, we worked together like a year or so plus ago, like just um helping make sure that we've got release recovery on recovery.com and all the info is accurate for people when they are looking for treatment, sober or drinking, whatever it is. The fact that you are looking for treatment or that you're looking for treatment for a loved one is huge. So thank you so much for everything that you do. Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. We really appreciate it. Thank you all so much for joining us, and we'll catch you next time on Recovery Castle.