Sam Miller | From Tarp Living to Nationally Touring Recovery Comedian

"It was not about getting high, it was about not being sober." In this raw and deeply moving episode of Recoverycast, nationally touring comedian and recovery advocate Sam Miller joins Brittany Bernard to share his incredible journey from the streets of Olympia to the comedy stage. Sam opens up about the intersection of ADHD and addiction, the profound impact of childhood trauma, and the cycle of methamphetamine, alcohol, and benzodiazepine use that led to years of homelessness and incarceration.

Find mental health and addiction treatment near you: https://recovery.com/

Sam describes the "mental load" of growing up with a father who was both violent and loving, and how the loss of his parent at age 12 shifted his fear from one man to the entire world. From huffing gas as a child to sleeping in barns and jail cells, Sam provides a window into the reality of meth recovery and the "survival mode" of unhoused life. He discusses the pivotal moment under a tarp when he finally chose help over death, leading to over 15 years of 12-step recovery, therapy for PTSD, and a successful career in stand-up comedy. This is a story of breaking cycles, finding "52% happiness," and the power of being "okay with being okay."

If you or someone you love is struggling, Sam’s story proves that no matter how far you’ve gone, there is a path back.

Subscribe to Recoverycast for more authentic stories of healing, and share this episode to help someone feel seen today.

⏱️ Chapters:

00:00 – Meet Sam Miller: Comedian & Advocate

01:41 – Childhood Trauma and a Father’s Legacy

04:09 – Navigating ADHD and the School System

07:23 – Grief, Guilt, and Losing a Parent at 12

13:37 – The Spiral: Early Use and Huffing Gas

18:31 – "I Was Running Away From Sobriety"

22:35 – Homelessness and Survival in Olympia

31:17 – The Tarp: The Day Everything Changed

33:36 – Stabilization, 12-Step, and Therapy

51:01 – How Comedy Entered the Recovery Story

❓ Questions the Video Answers:

1. How does childhood trauma contribute to substance abuse?
2. What is the link between ADHD and impulsive addiction?
3. How can someone recover from long-term methamphetamine use?
4. What does "running away from sobriety" mean in addiction?
5. How do 12-step groups help with long-term stabilization?
6. Can therapy help process PTSD from an abusive upbringing?
7. What is the reality of living unhoused while struggling with addiction?
8. How does a parent's addiction affect a child's mental health?
9. What are the dangers of huffing gas and dust-off?
10. How can comedy be used as a therapeutic tool in recovery?
11. How do you break a generational cycle of abuse?
12. What are the first steps to take when deciding to get sober?

#MethRecovery #ADHDandAddiction #SobrietyStories

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

No, let's go. No, let's go. I have two Kleenexes. For each one for each other. Recovery.

SPEAKER_06 0:19

Welcome to Recovery Canest, where we share real stories about mental health and addiction recovery. I'm Brittany Bainard, and today our guest is Sam Miller. Sam is a nationally touring comedian and recovery advocate. Drawing on his own lived experience with incarceration, addiction, and homelessness, he blends raw honesty with humor in his stand-up. Sam, welcome to the show. Sam, thanks so much for joining us today. So excited to have you. Thanks for coming to Wisconsin. Um, so before we dive in, what are you hoping that people get from your story?

SPEAKER_02 0:59

Maybe some insight into some of their own, some of their own stuff. Maybe if someone's already like seeking, they'll feel seen and heard and maybe hear themselves reflected in the stuff that I might talk about. And then if someone's like kind of on the fence about taking accountability for their mental health or addiction issues, that maybe maybe the this could motivate them possibly. But also, um, I also hope that people are generally entertained and uh engaged.

SPEAKER_03 1:31

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_07 1:31

They will be. Cool, cool. So let's take it back. I want to kind of get an idea of what you were like as a kid.

SPEAKER_02 1:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 1:37

So, like um, like 10, 12 year old, you pay me a picture.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

Ooh. Um, yeah, I was I I didn't I didn't really enjoy my childhood.

SPEAKER_04 1:47

Really?

SPEAKER_02 1:47

Uh this is gonna get pretty dark pretty quick. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I remember I was I was very scared of my father. That was like a big part of my me growing up. Was it my dad? And um, just just he could be pretty violent and pretty scary um in a lot of different ways. And uh also incredibly loving and kind sometimes too.

SPEAKER_06 2:06

It can be really confusing.

SPEAKER_02 2:08

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I never really knew what I was gonna get. My dad drank a lot, and uh he was a prick when he was sober, and he was a maniac when he was like really drunk. But at like three or four beers, he was uh he was wonderful. And so I had like these little windows. And then uh occasionally the other thing is like when he did fly off the handle, he would make it up to me. Like he might take me to get hamburgers or something. Yeah, stuff like that. And then also there were times when we did a lot of fishing together, and there were times where I had some wonderful moments of by dad fishing and also enjoying the sonics. We were you you like basketball. I don't know why I'm gonna do it like this, but you know, the sonics are gone. And then my dad was gone when I was twelve. So my dad my dad passed away when I was twelve from uh mesothelioma. And yeah, my mom was a stirred wife. I'm very close with my mom still. She's an absolute sweetheart. We had to work through some stuff, both of us. When that something like that happens, it's going to define at least part of you. The way I describe it to people when I talk when I tell my story or whatever is it. Until I was twelve, I was scared of my dad. And then after he died, I was kind of scared of everything else. My dad was a maniac, but he was my maniac. You know, he might be heavy-handed, but God help anybody else who lays their hands on me. You know what I mean? It was it was a mess.

SPEAKER_06 3:31

Yeah, it sounds like a lot to process and deal with as a kid, especially as you said when somebody is one of your harshest critics, but also like you love the love that they give you so much.

SPEAKER_05 3:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 3:44

That it does something with you and how you interpret love and all this other stuff.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

And to make him proud meant so much to me, and to disappoint him was so terrifying. Yeah. You know, as a child, I was already having like a lot of behavior issues. Like what? Um uh I got diagnosed like ADHD. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 4:08

Yeah, wasn't so great back then. Wasn't it cool?

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Yeah, yeah. I actually have a joke where I'm like the same people that told me to focus were always the people telling me to do boring stuff.

SPEAKER_06 4:19

Yeah. You wonder why I don't want to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

Yeah, yeah. It was bad. I was I hate like I know it's not this, but I don't mind, I don't mind telling talking about myself like this. Like, I was like a bad kid. Yeah, I was like, I was. I uh, you know, it's funny too, because I knew there'd be hell to pay from my dad. And it's like I could never bring into mind sufficient force like the consequences down the road of my actions to actually change what I was doing.

SPEAKER_06 4:46

Yeah, your brain is not fully formed, plus you've got like impulsiveness with ADHD. It just leads like, yeah, we think about things later, even if it's like right in front of us, we're like doing the thing right now, we're very impulsive.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

There's a story I love. So when I was in second grade, you had like a math book, and you could write in the math book and then tear out the sheet and give it to your teacher. And I loved it because your math book would just disappear.

SPEAKER_06 5:08

Yeah, the perforated little Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:11

And it's like done with this, boom. And then in third grade, they were like, Oh yeah, you have to write on a separate sheet of paper.

SPEAKER_06 5:18

We can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

You know, for real. Like they were like, You have to write on a separate sheet of paper. And I was like, I am done with school forever. Like that was it.

SPEAKER_06 5:25

It's been a great two years system, though.

SPEAKER_02 5:28

No, I'm done. I'm done.

SPEAKER_06 5:29

Yeah, it's hard though. I feel like the world or like education really wasn't designed. I imagine we're around the same age, wasn't designed for kids with ADHD or like neurodivergent or different ways of learning in general. No, which is extremely isolating too and kind of makes you feel dumb. I felt dumb a lot when I was little.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

Yeah, I I knew what I'm good at is not necessarily the things that are celebrated in school. And the things that I'm bad at were like on a pedestal, it felt like I have horror I still have horrible penmanship, a lot of math. I can do all right, like weird heady stuff I can figure it out in my head. Not so much anymore, but back then I could. But one thing is that like I was always like a smooth talker, and I was always a prolific like reader and and became a better and better writer as time went on.

SPEAKER_04 6:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

Like I was I was good at saying the things I needed to say. Like it's almost like I had to learn how to communicate, otherwise, the world was really gonna stomp on me, you know. Like otherwise, I didn't have a chance.

SPEAKER_06 6:35

Yeah, you had to find the one area, like I'm kind of you're you're good at communicating. Like you stand up on a stage and communicate. It's not like a back and forth conversation, but comedy is communication. Yeah, it's that thing, it's like I I know I'm kind of good at this one thing. I'm gonna grab onto this and hone in on it the best I can.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

But it sucks when like the thing you're good at in school is talking.

SPEAKER_06 6:55

Yeah. You know, because you're not supposed to.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And every once in a while it was so funny because we'd have like a like a group project or something, and it'd be like some kind of presentation. And the other people in my group, they'd be like, No, I don't. I'm like, dude, I got you. I got this, I got you, yeah, yeah. You're like the center of attention or whatever.

SPEAKER_06 7:12

So you had lost your father when you were 12, and how did the follow-up or the experience from that kind of shape you into your early teens?

SPEAKER_02 7:23

Golly. You know, I remember my mom had these hippie friends, and my mom needed a break because she went being a single mother, and my mom wasn't really around a lot. She worked full-time. My dad had retired from the Air Force when I was like, I think I was like six or seven or something. So he was around all the time. But my mom was working full-time for the VA. My mom, you know, my mom actually met my dad because my dad got a DUI, and my mom was friends with her counselor.

SPEAKER_06 7:52

She's like, I want that one.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he was a lieutenant colonel.

SPEAKER_06 7:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:56

He's a pilot, you know.

SPEAKER_06 7:57

It's pretty good that's pretty, yeah. That is cool.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Yeah, I don't see it, but that's all right. It's not I went from the kid who was scared of his dad to the kid who's every every interaction, like I was scared of the world, but also like every interaction I had with any sort of adult would be like, oh my god, like your dad's dead. And it's weird because like I feel guilty about this, but when my dad passed away, like I also had an immense sense of relief.

SPEAKER_06 8:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

Um, because he was, I didn't have to, I didn't have to worry about it.

SPEAKER_06 8:27

It was a mental load that kind of disappeared and having to navigate a grown person's unpredictable, slash predictable emotions because you live with it.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

And so, like, pretty much every adult that I saw, it would be like, Oh, I'm so sorry, you know, and like a lot of hugs. I got so tired of people hugging me all the time. And like, it's so weird because it's like, I don't need I don't know you, and you sh and you didn't know my dad. I don't know why. And the I remember I brought this up, but like my mom had these hippie friends, and it was nice hanging out with them because we might be around people that I didn't know, but they would literally introduce me. And I know these people still to this day, and they're sweetheart people, but they don't they didn't understand, you know. They'd be like, Oh, this is our friend uh Mary's son Sam. His dad just died.

SPEAKER_06 9:13

It's part of your name.

SPEAKER_02 9:14

Yeah, and I'm just like, Oh my god, and they're and I know you're just sitting there, just like, yeah, yeah, how you doing? Oh, I'm okay today, you know.

SPEAKER_06 9:24

Because it's hard enough for you in those like internal thoughts, feeling like I will, I like feeling like you wear it as something on your forehead, but then to have people like verbalizing it and kind of reaffirming that.

SPEAKER_02 9:36

Yeah. Also, like I said, that guilt there too, because like I never felt like I was like grieving right.

SPEAKER_06 9:43

You didn't do it right. It probably wouldn't. No, no.

SPEAKER_02 9:45

I remember that my mom had this candle, and I was like, this is a thing people do when they're grieving, and I would like light this candle and like stare at it, and I'd be like, uh uh, like I don't feel anything. I was like, I don't really get it.

SPEAKER_06 10:00

No, that is like a thing.

SPEAKER_07 10:01

Are you Catholic?

SPEAKER_02 10:03

Uh my mom is, yeah. My dad was an atheist, yeah. But my mom didn't know that. Yeah, but my dad made it very clear that he was an atheist. One time I ran out in traffic and uh my dad grabbed me and stuck me under the front of his car and like revved the engine and to show me what it would be like to get run over.

SPEAKER_06 10:23

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 10:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 10:26

Okay, so like that, yeah, that's terrifying.

SPEAKER_02 10:28

Yeah, but yeah, that's the kind of stuff. So my dad, like, that was like those lessons because that's the thing, is it's not just like the physical stuff was there. He wasn't like he wasn't super heavy-handed, but there was like there was definite like physical abuse, but then the um just the cruelty out of nowhere sometimes was just like shocking to me. Like I I could not understand, like I knew that I had made a mistake, but just like like I could still feel it in my chest. Like, that's why I'm so grateful that I like not to not to jump the gun that I'm in therapy now is because I've learned how to deal with that fear.

SPEAKER_06 11:00

Yeah, because I mean your first response was I knew I did something wrong. It was like, yeah, but like uh the reaction equal to the thing done wrong. It wasn't you that did something.

SPEAKER_02 11:09

No, yeah, no, no. And it, you know, so often it was something that like I think my dad was like a deeply, deeply unhappy and unsettled person. I know actually I know he was because his mom was schizophrenic and his dad was very abusive too. His mom, so I I don't think I don't know what was up with his dad, my grandpa, but I remember they lived in Salem, Oregon, and one time my my grandma drove my dad, and I never met her. She was, I think she died when I was like two or three. Drove them to Long Beach, California. My dad was 12 with his eight-year-old brother from Oregon. Drove them to Long Beach, California, dropped them off, and left. And my dad, my 12-year-old dad, and his eight-year-old brother like hitchhiked back to like Oregon. Because she was like, she was like paranoid and having uh an episode or something like something.

SPEAKER_06 12:03

Yeah. That's sad because it's like hearing this stuff, your stories with your dad, but it's not like hearing that, it's like those are those cycles where people, yeah, it's hard to break out of that.

SPEAKER_02 12:12

Yeah, and that was the thing. That's how my dad wound up in the Air Force, is it was like he was like he was like a hoodlum in like in Salem, and like it was like either you're getting locked up or you go into the military.

SPEAKER_06 12:21

It was his attempt to do something to get out.

SPEAKER_02 12:23

No, though they told him it's like you're going to jail, you're going to the military. They used to do that a lot more. He actually picked the Air Force just because I think it's like the safest.

SPEAKER_06 12:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Which sounds funny.

SPEAKER_06 12:32

Yeah. Flying a plane with guns. So your mom was a psychiatric nurse practitioner. Whoa. I know. I know. Let's go. But I'm really curious like, how did the communication around mental health go in your house, especially after the passing of your father?

SPEAKER_02 12:51

So my mom, uh, what is it, Doctor Heal Thyself or whatever? Like she was working for the VA with a lot of schizophrenic, like PTSD stuff, primarily a lot of Vietnam vets, which is what my dad was. And uh I think there was some head in the sand on her part about how bad things were, and then also some like world-class manipulation on my part.

SPEAKER_04 13:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

You know, her being the only relationship that like was stable, you know. And not that it was stable, it was stable for what we were around. It was stable compared to other things in my life, and um, and then also like without my dad, like I already was delinquent, but I I rose to the top of the delinquency spectrum of like just you know, I remember I got expelled from middle school.

SPEAKER_06 13:45

Middle school, what'd you do?

SPEAKER_02 13:47

A lot, yeah, a lot of stuff, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 13:49

Wasn't one big thing.

SPEAKER_02 13:50

No, smoking weed out of popcans was popular with matches. Um, because why not?

SPEAKER_06 13:56

You started in middle school?

SPEAKER_02 13:58

You know what's weird is I was huffing gas when my dad was still alive.

SPEAKER_06 14:02

Really?

SPEAKER_02 14:02

I remember him catching me. I don't remember when I started gas, and also I was drinking as like a toddler, like like five, six years old.

SPEAKER_06 14:11

Wait, explain that.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

It was okay in my family for kids to drink at a very young age.

SPEAKER_06 14:15

Like go get beer, or just like I've got one, you can take a sip of it.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

Yeah, it was just me like drinking. There's actually a picture of my brother who's in recovery too, like pouring beer into my mouth as like a six-year-old.

SPEAKER_06 14:29

When you were huffing, did you do that to like get higher? Because it was just like uh, this is something funny to do.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

No, it made me feel better. Yeah, it was like I wanted to change the way I felt.

SPEAKER_06 14:38

Really?

SPEAKER_02 14:39

And then I think when I was, I must have been, I think my dad was still alive, or maybe it was right after he died. I was huffing gas, or it doesn't matter. But I got the worst headache I've had ever, and it became immediately apparent that it was like dangerous, and I never thought about it before. And what I would do is like each time I did it, I'd go like a little bit farther with it. Oh, really? You know, which is very similar to like every other practice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I never I think I might have gotten blacked out later in life and huffed some spray paint, and then also uh I was with the Whippets and the Dust Off. I did mess with dust off in high school quite a lot. Me and my friend, uh, whose name I won't say, we'll be used to drive around in his beer Gregal. It was so scary because we used to huff dust off while like while we were driving.

SPEAKER_06 15:28

That is super scary. That is super scary.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

Yeah. And um, my friend would pass out and I'd have to grab the wheel.

SPEAKER_06 15:35

I guess so. It wasn't like mid-teens something happens, you're at a party and like have your first drink. It had kind of been like soft launch through your life.

SPEAKER_02 15:45

There was a moment in middle school where I was lifting weights because I was gonna be a football player or whatever. It was the first time I got really stoned. And there was a moment where I really like I saw my future. And what was it? I was gonna be really stoned all the time. Like this, it's really not that interesting. This is what I love about being in a stand-up comedy world is like like marijuana use is like so prevalent in stand-up comedy. And it's weird because like weed makes for the most boring stories ever, you know? It's like, oh, I got stoned, and then I ate some chips, and then I watched YouTube. It's like eight hours, yeah. Don't fly so close to the sun, you know?

SPEAKER_06 16:28

Yeah, big dream big.

SPEAKER_02 16:30

Yeah, and I say that as someone who used to spend a lot of time like smoking weed and like uh watching stupid videos of my computer and just not thinking having like the greatest thoughts in the whole wide world, and like maybe I I people like you should write stuff down one ADHD.

SPEAKER_06 16:45

I'm not writing anything down, but like maybe I'll scribble something on a post-it and be like, girl, if you can remember this, you're gonna be a millionaire, and it would just be like blue eight, you know, like nothing. It doesn't make sense, nothing of substance.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

The first time I got high, I was like, Oh, like I get it. I was like, everybody who was like on TV or like famous, or like everybody who looks like they're having a good time, like they're high, probably, and now I'm high too, and now I'll be better. And I was high, I was better for for a while, you know, and then it wore off, and then I'd be miserable again. But then I was like, Well, I'll just figure out how to get high. Cause I mean it when I say this, like it was something that clicked so strong that the first time I I got like high high that I remember like thinking, I'm like, oh, like I'm going to do this as much as I can for as long as I can, and everything else will just have to fit it.

SPEAKER_06 17:47

Nothing else matters.

SPEAKER_02 17:48

Like, no, no, like I'm just like, it's time.

SPEAKER_06 17:51

Like so, when does that thought process kick in?

SPEAKER_02 17:54

Like 13, 14. 14, okay. Yeah, yeah. 14, like uh eighth grade was eighth and ninth grade was when that's probably when I had the like the steepest, like the downhill trajectory really fast.

SPEAKER_06 18:07

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

Where my downhill trajectory went uphill very fast. Yeah, I know what you mean.

SPEAKER_06 18:14

And it speeds up real fast. Um, so did you have like you said you like this is it, I know I want to do it, but did you know it wasn't going to like lead you into like awesomeness that it might lead into like the a not so great place? Like it could be problematic.

SPEAKER_02 18:31

Yeah, yeah. There was uh Yeah, you're gonna get me, I'm gonna cry. I always cry when I tell the story, but like uh there was a moment where I was like a freshman in high school and um I got arrested in class. Like they used to do this thing because it was like they thought that it would help other students, they'd be like kind of like a scared straight kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. Shame, yeah. Like a scared straight kind of thing. So a cop, I was in Western Civ, which is this class that I loved. A cop came in and arrested me in class. I was I would been prescribed Ritalin and I was selling my Ritalin and buying weed, and like just they caught me selling Ritalin, but I didn't have any Ritalin on me, but I had the weed that I bought with the money I made selling the Ritalin. And it was funny because one of the like pink they're like handcuffing me in a class, and at the time, like I low-key kind of felt like a badass. Like I hadn't really had a lot of criminal justice. You're just like system involved.

SPEAKER_03 19:21

I'm like, you guys don't got nothing on me, baby.

SPEAKER_02 19:25

And then um they took me into a room and the vice principal and my mom was there, and I just started crying. I was like, it was a mess. And then uh Yeah, this was the moment that I think it's important for people to hear this too. So like there was a table in the room, right? And the cop, the vice principal, and my mom were on one side of the table, and I was by myself on the other side of the table. And I was like, all right, like I guess I guess my mom's kind of on their team. Yeah, I don't know, is you know what you're right, it is symbolic, but it was also like it was also not just a symbol. It was like they're like, We're gonna we're gonna create a force so strong to stop Sam from getting high. But the thing that people do not understand about the way I use substance, and I know other people that are like this too, is that it was not about getting high, it was about not being sober. Like I hated how I felt so much sober that I would do whatever I had to do to get high. Like, because I it's I I hated being sober way more than I liked being high. I wasn't running towards something, I was running away from something. You know, and like I I don't know how else to tell people. Like, it's just like I did not want like sitting.

SPEAKER_04 20:46

I do shit all the time.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

I was like, I don't want to do this, I don't want this to be a thing. I don't want to go to jail, I don't want to make my mom cry, you know? Like that's the thing that hurts the most is that I hurt her. Yeah, you know, like I was ready, I was like, this is it, you know. And uh from that point on, I was like, all right, I guess I know now that when it all comes down to it, that their team, not Sam.

SPEAKER_06 21:08

It's so hard though, because like as a parent, when I think back on it, especially like late 90s, early 2000s, like I get you're just doing like the best you can. Yeah, and I feel like it's handled so differently then, where it is like, we're just gonna strong arm and make sure he never does anything bad again. Meanwhile, you've got ADHD and trauma, and our brains kind of just work against the more you push for me to do the thing, the more I'm likely going to push against and feel more isolated. Like, nope, I am on my own and everybody else. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

And the harder you squeeze, the more me is gonna leak out, you know. The it's like water, you know. I'm gonna, I'm gonna find, I'm gonna head, I'm gonna find those cracks, I'm gonna get in, I'm gonna get out. Unless I'm willing to like take action, unless I see the light, the only thing you're gonna get by clamping down on me is you're Gonna get tired. Like, I will wear you out. Like, if I'm if I'm trying to get high and you're in my way, like I will, I'll I'll go around you or I'll go through. You know, I just will.

SPEAKER_04 22:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

I just will. Because I did that to the cops. You know, I was like, I I was I was gonna run or I was gonna fight. There was no other way.

SPEAKER_06 22:19

This cycle, then like so after high school, you kind of talked you had mentioned previously about cycling through things like jobs, even homelessness. Yeah, yeah. Um, what did an average day, I guess, like look for you outside of like you graduate high school, you're in the world. What does a day look like for you?

SPEAKER_02 22:36

There's a lot of different, there's a lot of different phases. It's hard to say. I mean, you could kind of separate, you could say like street, street Sam, home with mom Sam, where I'm trying to get my stuff together, rehab Sam, jail Sam, Job Corps Sam, Forest Service Sam, and then uh homeless in a mountain Sam. Like those were the those were like the phases, basically. There was a certain level when I was homeless in Olympia, it was a certain level of chaos. There was a lot of uh methamphetamine, uh, a lot of alcohol, always weed, also whatever else I could get my hands on. Um, I didn't get super into it, but uh the what do you call it, the percocets and whatnot were a thing for a while. Lived in barns, lived in abandoned houses, lived in cars, lived in vans, slept in doorways. Uh the DSHS got me a shrink, and I used to sleep in his doorway.

SPEAKER_06 23:32

That's nice.

SPEAKER_02 23:34

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't like it. You again uh one of my favorite stories. I talk about this on stage, is that uh I remember I passed out in a ditch in front of a Burger King one time, and a state patrol guy woke me up. He like kicked me in the shoulder. He was like, hey, he's like, you can't sleep here, and I'm like, well, not anymore. I was doing pretty good before you got here.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

You're supposed to kick me.

SPEAKER_02 23:59

Yeah, and then I make the joke. I'm like, yeah, by the way, that's great policing. Everyone's a lot better off now that I'm awake. I'm like, I guess I'll find something to do.

SPEAKER_06 24:08

It's not even open yet.

SPEAKER_02 24:10

Yeah, yeah. I uh it's so hard to even define because the person I am now is so vastly different and in such a different like headspace completely.

SPEAKER_06 24:21

Sometimes when you're in survival mode, like it's not like an everyday type thing, it is just like the seasons and the phases of it.

SPEAKER_02 24:28

Yeah, and there were my worst days were spent um in the Yakima jail, but uh man, I had some good days too, and this is a thing, man, that I get kind of tired of too is that like I wasn't just because like homeless and I was you know a drug addict, doesn't mean I didn't have like love and compassion and beauty, and there would be wonder I had wonderful days sometimes, you know. Like I remember uh there was this girl I had a crush on, and she was dating a friend of mine. Uh, I don't want to say her name, she lives in Montana now. She might see this and she'll know that I'm talking about her. And uh we always had a thing for each other, but her her boyfriend was not into it.

SPEAKER_06 25:15

Yeah, that can impede on your crush.

SPEAKER_02 25:19

Yeah, and then I remember one night, it was probably like two in the morning. I was actually probably getting ready to crash in like a doorway somewhere. Like I I I would there was a porch couch that I was really into, but that was gone now. The porch couch was gone at that point. Somebody else moved into the house, and I guess they weren't cool with me on the porch anymore. A jerky blame. Thank you.

SPEAKER_06 25:41

Don't like a little adventure. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:43

And I remember I walked down the street and uh and I hear this voice. She goes, Sam? And I was like, Hey, hey, what's up? I don't want to say your name. She's like, I broke up with I don't want to say his name either. And I was like, What?

SPEAKER_03 25:57

That's great.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

She's like, she's like, uh, we ran and immediately started like making out. And then we we made love in the back of an Astro van on a rainy night in downtown Olympia. It was one of my favorite nights ever. I could still hear the rain and just like going from see this is a thing that folks that haven't been through it will never know is that feeling of going from like, oh my god, like I'm gonna sleep in a doorway again tonight, like this sucks, to like heaven. And to feel like that in the back of an Astro van and to have like someone to care about me, even if it's just for one night. You know, you you never Yeah raincoats, man.

SPEAKER_00 26:47

There's a lot though, because I have sorry. I'm just thinking a lot about that story.

SPEAKER_02 26:55

Oh, making love in the back of an asteroid. No, but just I feel weird sometimes talking about it, but I I don't really like I feel I don't really like I'm not gonna play that game where it's like, oh, it was so bad, and now everything's good.

SPEAKER_06 27:10

No, but I think that doesn't that's not fair for me now or of me for right because it was still a life where it's like you find moments of gratitude, and I think they're easier to find when you haven't had everything given, and every day is great when you can find moments in a day that just like make you feel overwhelmingly human. Like those are the moments where you're like, I this is that life experience. Like no matter where I am or the like things going on, like I'm having like the human experience and I'm enjoying that with someone else, regardless of like all the things or the loneliness I felt, or like trying to find the next place because I'm surviving right now. Like I've had this human experience, and all of that was just taken away.

SPEAKER_02 27:48

And the other thing to to add to that is it also that when I was on the streets or um incarcerated, like at any time, like anything could be taken from me. But they can't take those memories. And it turned into me being a comedian because they couldn't take jokes. I've I've been I have been running my mouth for so long to so many people, teachers. Anyone who tried to get me to do something I didn't want to do, they're gonna get it.

SPEAKER_06 28:17

Yeah, talk them up, they're gonna get it.

SPEAKER_02 28:19

And now I live a life where very few people tell me to do things I don't want to do.

SPEAKER_06 28:23

I love that for you. I love that.

SPEAKER_02 28:25

I love that.

SPEAKER_06 28:26

I mean, when I first started this, I was just like, I need to go pull up all those report cards that were like, she's great, she needs to stop talking. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_07 28:34

Oh, really?com. Recovery.com is a place where anyone can find mental health or addiction treatment options specific to them. You can filter by location, price, insurance coverage, therapy type, mental health condition, levels of care, and so much more. Recovery.com is the best place to find mental health or addiction treatment for anyone, anywhere.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

Yeah, I wound up uh in front of the Capitol Theater under a TARP, um, you know, with a lady, and in the joke, it's kind of funny how I came around because I say in the joke that we were doing TARP stuff. Anyway, some lady walked by and saw us doing TARP stuff, and uh I don't know. Something snapped in me. And it's it's like it's magic. Maybe some type of spiritual thing was going on. I don't need to define it. It doesn't really matter what I think it is, because what I know it was was um the most probably the most important day of my life. And all of a sudden I was like looking down at myself and I was like I was like, well, I was like, I'm gonna kill myself or I'm gonna get help. And uh four days later, I sought out help. I went to my mom's house first, and uh I walked there and I stood on my mom's porch and she opened the door and I told her I was like I told my mom I was like I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna be a drunk anymore. And then I hid at my mom's house for like four days, um, had a seizure.

SPEAKER_06 30:16

Um Were you like detoxing?

SPEAKER_02 30:18

Yeah, benzos. I had gotten into it's so stupid that I did that. I was like, I'm gonna do meth off and on for eight years and drink a lot and smoke weed, and then for the last six months I'll do benzos. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 30:32

No, I love that plan.

SPEAKER_02 30:33

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my it was my planner. It's my retirement plan. Anyway, um, it's not so before I did that when I wanted to get sober, that felt like real, but this time felt different.

SPEAKER_04 30:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:47

And like I was like, oh, there's a different level of real and this was it.

SPEAKER_06 30:51

There is like an actual switch. I know the feeling of wanting to stop something, but you're like, okay, but I'm not going to, and we're just gonna kind of keep on doing this. And then there's a moment where like either someone says something and it clicks, or you just feel something so no, like I I think that's I'm I I can be done now. I can be done now.

SPEAKER_02 31:08

Yeah, it felt so tumultuous and like chaos, and like I felt insane.

SPEAKER_04 31:17

Really?

SPEAKER_02 31:18

And I knew I needed help, and so four days I wandered into a like self-help, like uh 12-step crew where I've been ever since, you know, and uh in my little town of Olympia there. And um, but oof golly, it it was honestly like without I don't want to like spoil the ending, but it was like it was like probably like three years before I like stabilized.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

Really?

SPEAKER_02 31:48

Yeah, and I would have like I stopped obviously I stopped getting high. I'd still got into fights. I got arrested a couple times after I got sober for I was like a bouncer at this bar, and I I don't I was not heavy-handed, but uh I was also not not heavy-handed.

SPEAKER_06 32:07

No, I mean you're a bouncer, like people are gonna say some stuff, like I think it's kind of that's not real.

SPEAKER_02 32:13

I'm sorry. Sometimes I gotta like watch myself because I I I want like I shouldn't have been a bouncer, is what it was. Is it I felt like crap about myself and I thought that I deserved to just be at the bar and doing that.

SPEAKER_06 32:28

Not only that, but it's like a weird power move too sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 32:32

Yeah, it was, and you know what's funny is like other I had like a lot of my friend and my friend group was changing and becoming more and more other people in recovery. And like it was a thing where I I had to deal with that. You're right. I would be like, Yeah, we're in recovery, but I work at McCoy's, which was the name of the bar. And there's wonderful, beautiful people down there, and 95% of them are no issue, and then you know, and then one night I got you know, I got beat up by some Canadians one night, and then a couple other nights I beat other people up, and like it was just you know, and there was a couple nights where I got done at my job and I'd go to other bars and fight people, which was not couldn't catch a fight at my bar, had to go to someone else's, start some shit. Yeah, and like I don't know, I had to watch myself because I I almost became like an arbiter to where like it's like, oh, I felt like controlling other people's behavior would somehow like make me less indictable for my own.

SPEAKER_06 33:27

No, I think anybody who has seen any type of form of like power enacted anywhere, it's the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 33:33

Yeah. And I was upset that I was and you know what's funny is I was a good bouncer, you know, I did a good job. And uh there was one night some dude said he was gonna stab me, and uh he tried to climb over the back fence, and um he went to the front door and I told him I was like, hey man, I don't know if you have a knife or not, but uh I just want to go home, I don't want any issues. We'd already called the cops and he came in through the front door and I shoved him really, really hard, and he hit his head really, really hard, and he was in like a coma. Wow and I almost killed this guy. And I think three weeks after that I got arrested at work because a cop grabbed me. I didn't know she was a cop. This cop grabbed me and I turned around and they let me go. I didn't get like any charges or anything, but like that when I got arrested, I was like, that was it. And at that point, too, I had had a kid, like I had gotten married, like I wasn't married yet, but I had a kid, you know.

SPEAKER_06 34:24

You're like, I don't need to be doing this anymore. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:27

And I went, you know, I made the decision to do the scariest thing, which was to go back to school because then I was gonna be a treatment counselor and I was gonna save the world.

SPEAKER_06 34:36

That's a lot to put on yourself.

SPEAKER_02 34:38

Yeah, well, it's all right, it didn't work.

SPEAKER_06 34:41

High hopes, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:42

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 34:43

But like, okay, so um, so for three years, you said it took you like the from the day you decide like I don't want to do this anymore. Then you detox and you said there's like three years before you got it together. What does that mean? Like you're sober, but kind of like white knuckling it.

SPEAKER_02 34:56

You're no, I wasn't white knuckling it. I it just that's how long it took me to start um trusting myself to enact these new systems of living that I was learning, these new, these new strategies for life.

SPEAKER_06 35:11

Which is huge. I feel like recovery coaching is such a big thing too, because it's like you can have someone detox, they can go to a 30-day, 90-day, but like when they get out of that very controlled bubble of an environment, yeah. Do they know how to rent an apartment, pay the bills, the cycles of things, the repercussions, how to go apply for jobs, just like presenting yourself in the public that hasn't necessarily been around or you've been integrated in in a long time.

SPEAKER_02 35:37

And Britney was a big help with that.

SPEAKER_06 35:39

How did you guys meet?

SPEAKER_02 35:41

Uh, at the bar that I worked at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't working that night. I was just walking around. I was four months sober. And you know, the other thing too is I was still homeless when I got sober. Like my mom let me stay with her for a couple weeks, but thought I was couch surfing and stuff after that. I think I was couch surfing for two months, four months, something like that. I think I was four months sober when I met Britney. And like, here's the thing, though, is that I had hope. And I got hope because I remember sitting, sitting in the corner of a meeting, and I heard somebody say something that I identified with, and I remember kind of looking around, and like I remember taking like a deep breath, which is weird because I was still smoking cigarettes. I quit smoking cigarettes like a I think it was like a year and a half sober when I quit smoking cigarettes because I found out I was having a kid. I remember I took this deep breath and I looked around and I was like, oh my God, I'm like, I feel like okay. I feel like okay. And I got so excited that I lost it, but I did feel like okay for a minute. And then I knew that since I felt okay that one time, that I might be able to feel okay again. You know, and that's what it's been is that like my level of like okay days has like gradually risen for like a long time now, and like I have like really, really good days. I always tell people, and it keeps going up a little bit, and I really feel like right now in my life, I'm like 52% like happy.

SPEAKER_06 37:06

That's awesome. That's so fucking cool. I love it.

SPEAKER_02 37:09

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And 52% is like really good, and uh, I'm really proud. And it's because I was willing to ask for help, and then not just not just like, and then here's the thing too is that I also started therapy, you know, and to work through this stuff with my dad. And now I have a therapist that I love. Like me and my therapist are cool as hell. I love my therapist.

SPEAKER_06 37:34

They know where all the bodies are. I I love I love my therapist, they know everything.

SPEAKER_02 37:39

We do real well, yeah. And um, yeah, and have like I thought that I had like like I kind of had a breakthrough, like I've kind of had multiple like breakthroughs, and like one of them was at the river with my boy on the 4th of July. I went to three different barbecues because I mean also look at me barbecues, you know. Breakfast lunch and dinner because it's weird because I know I'm in Wisconsin and I'm gonna have some something delicious too. Cheese curds, yeah. Yeah, probably. Not to jump right into this, but like I remember being with my my first son, Britney was pregnant at home. Um, I don't think I was bouncing anymore. I was back in school. And just people that talk about Washington State, you think rain, man, our summers are beautiful there, it's wonderful. And uh I went down to the river with my kid, but there's all these waterfalls, and immediately I'm hit with that fear. It's like, uh oh, my kid's like a year and a half old. He's gonna jump in the damn river. Why did I bring him down here? He's like hyper like I am. And then uh yeah, I sat on the river and then my kids he sat down. He just sat down next to me. We were just throwing like little rocks into the river. And uh I looked up at the sun shining through the leaves, and I felt the wind on my face. And uh in that moment I was like, okay. Like I'm gonna be okay. Like I'm okay now. And now whenever I get upset, I think about the river and I think about my boy, and I know that I'm gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_06 39:03

That's so grounding.

SPEAKER_02 39:05

You know, for folks like me and a lot of other folks, like okay is like such a big deal. You know, when I do I do a lot of shows at comedy clubs and shit, but I also do when I do shows for other people in recovery, I talk about that and like how a lot of my issues were not how do I get a good life? How do I do great things? Like what I needed to work on more than anything was like in a weird way, like thinking like that is kind of like the same thinking I had when I was getting high. Like, how do I feel great? When the best thing is, is like how do I how do I be okay with being okay?

SPEAKER_06 39:45

Honestly.

SPEAKER_02 39:46

Like, how do I how do I just chill out a little bit and give myself some grace? How do I learn patience? You know, I still struggle with that. But yeah, that was like the first one, and that was let me see. I got sober in 2008. That's like three years into recovery where I was like, oh man. And like I I kind of go back and forth on the God stuff. I'm kind of agnostic, I don't really know what's going on. I don't spend a lot of time.

SPEAKER_06 40:11

He won't tell me, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:13

He won't tell me. Why would I? I can't I won't even tell myself. I don't know what the hell's going on.

SPEAKER_01 40:17

I met him.

SPEAKER_02 40:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He won't tell me. He won't tell me what's going on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

Somebody, somebody help. Just like say something.

SPEAKER_02 40:25

And then the other one was when I finally got the therapist that I liked, I would still have these moments where I would uh think about my dad and I'd be filled with fear and rage. I would think about my dad all the time and I'd be like, man, I want to fight him and hug him. And even now when I think about him, I want to fight him. I want to fight him, I want to let him know that I'm not scared of him anymore. But then I want to tell him that how much I loved him and how much I wish it was different. And I'm jealous of my brother because my brother was able to hash stuff out with him. And uh but anyway, I did. I got a therapist and uh uh we started we it started slow, but then we got going and then we finally got to this with my dad, and my therapist was like they were like, when you think about your dad, like what happens to you physically? And I was like, Well, my I make fists and my I feel this tightness in my chest. And I have you know, I have a PTSD diagnosis and I know what's going on, and if I go down that road far enough, like I will eventually have like a full-on like panic attack. I've only had two one and a half. Um but anyway, I'd so upset and I can feel it a little bit right now while I'm talking to you. Um and then my therapist is like, when your chest is like that, what do you think your chest wants to say to you? And I remember thinking I was like, I'm like, well, my chest would probably want me to know that it's gonna be okay, you know, that like he he can't really like hurt like it's it's not, it's just he's history and he's an idea and he's a thought and he's a part of me. But he's not a part of me that can like hurt me. And uh and he's a part of me where I can it's okay for me to love him. It's okay for me to hate him sometimes. It's okay to have all those feelings, yeah. And that I can, you know, continue to work on that. And that I, you know, me having two boys that are 14 and 12, and I've never put my hands on my boys. I've never he he did better than his dad did. My dad did better than his dad did, and I'm doing better than my dad did. I hope my kids just stop having fucking kids already.

SPEAKER_06 42:26

And you guys can end it all by just not reproducing.

SPEAKER_01 42:29

Yeah, yeah. Stop reproducing, stop making more Millers. We're a mess. God, I have two Kleenexes. I only has one. For each, one for each eye. This is new at recovery.recovery.com, my man. I don't feel any better. This is what you feel the worst? Yeah, thanks a lot. Every time. No, it's cool.

SPEAKER_06 42:57

No, it's great. Um, but like I I have a daughter who's 13. My youngest one's three. Let's go. I didn't think you had kids. Yeah, I got a three and a 13-year-old. And it's like when your kids start hitting the ages you went through stuff, you start revisiting and it hits you, especially when your parents' voice comes out of you at times with your children.

SPEAKER_02 43:18

I'm jealous of my freaking my 14-year-old has a dang old girlfriend. You know, girls messing with 14-year-old Sam. It's like, what do you want to do?

SPEAKER_03 43:27

It's like, oh, we could go half dust off with Bobby less than the brother Lynch hung in his Buick. Any takers? No. They're like, we'd like to go to a concert.

SPEAKER_06 43:39

What were the first few steps that you took when you decided to get sober? Like you'd you get into like a treatment facility.

SPEAKER_02 43:47

You know what? I wish I would have.

SPEAKER_06 43:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:50

It probably would have been a little bit better. Um, but this was pre 2008 and I didn't have I didn't, I mean it was 2008.

SPEAKER_06 43:56

How do you even look?

SPEAKER_02 43:57

I didn't have health insurance. Yeah. Uh I couldn't have. Afford that. Rehab wasn't happening. And I had gone like too many times in Washington State or whatever.

SPEAKER_06 44:05

Yeah. But now if you optionally go, I think if it's not like a charge.

SPEAKER_02 44:10

No, there's dude, there's so many ways in now, which is so dope. And it sucks because like I'm like, I'm a harm harm reduction advocate, you know, and I always will be. Anytime anybody makes a healthier decision, my hat is off to them. That is dope. I want to lift that up and celebrate that. And for a lot of folks like me, like absence only recovery works very well for a lot of people, including me. And what's nice about if you do choose that type of recovery and be like, hey, I'm not doing anything. There's a lot of resources, I think, out there for folks. You know what I mean? Like a lot of resources.

SPEAKER_06 44:40

Finding community too.

SPEAKER_02 44:41

Yeah. And that was the thing, is it like what wound up happening, but I will tell you this is that I had been to rehab a few times. I had been to shrinks a few times. And um, a lot of that stuff that I could have cared less about in that rehab, I remembered a lot of it. Like, and that that became important to me when I started working with youth and with uh drug users to remember that there's no, was it Mother Teresa's like no act of compassion is ever wasted. That like um the work that people put into me all the way back to Dr. Walker, um, paid off.

SPEAKER_06 45:16

It means something every day.

SPEAKER_02 45:17

Everything, yeah, yeah. But as far as me, like, yeah, I just got involved with a group, but that's I I got involved with the groups, but like I and I but the thing too is it I didn't just get involved, I got engaged. Like I I was doing service, I was like, um, I was making friends, you know, in the weird way, like I've I I don't know if I've ever really put this together like this, but like the same way I talk about addiction, I wasn't running towards a high, I was running away from sobriety. Now I was running towards recovery. Like I was in booking it. Yeah, because I was. I knew. I don't I don't I don't I don't think I had, I don't, I didn't have another go. I think I took it about as far as you can take it. And I I I know that I'm kind of talking out of my ass a little bit because I can't say for sure. But like I remember, you know, the only thing that stopped me from killing myself was just like my mom. You know, I used to think about like if my mom died, I I might make it like 10 minutes or something, you know. Like I just that was the only thing. I used to, I used to not like fantasy. Well, I mean, I remember thinking, I was like, I kind of wish my mom would be gone and then I could die too. Like uh, you know, and that's it's a terrible place to be at for like a whole year.

SPEAKER_04 46:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:30

You know, like that was my last year. That's what it was. And also even early in recovery, you know, and this is the thing too. I really want this message to get out too, is that when I was four months and 11 months sober, I was also having like a lot of suicidal ideation. Like, and I was and I had this pride and I didn't want to talk about it. But luckily, I put in enough work to where like they call them like like insurance, you know, to where like I would go to extra like meetings and stuff. So like when that stuff would happen, like I was able to talk about it. Yep, you know. And I talk about it with my therapist now. Like, I still have like some ideation here and there every once in a while. It kind of hits me having a bad day. But it's the same way I'm talking about like the like the 52%. Like as long as I'm willing to put the work in on my physical, spiritual, mental health, all that, it's like life gradually gets better. There's ups and downs, but they're the ups aren't as up and the downs aren't as down. And then uh and the ideation has gone down like significantly. Like it's almost almost almost non-existent. Maybe like once a month, something will catch me on a weird day, and I'll be like, Maybe I could just not be here.

SPEAKER_06 47:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:37

You know, yeah, which is just like I do know, yeah. Yeah. I do know, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 47:42

So you started doing stand-up in 2014 and now perform like nationwide. How did comedy enter your recovery story?

SPEAKER_02 47:50

Oh, when I was uh, let me see, 2014. So six years sober thereabouts. I got sober in June of 2008. I started doing comedy in July of 2014. Yeah, people had told me to do it. I'd been asked to speak at some things, and people in recovery were like, you should do comedy. And then one day I walked past an open mic and I went in and I did it.

SPEAKER_06 48:13

And yeah, da da.

SPEAKER_02 48:14

And sometimes I regret walking. Yeah, totally. I can't see myself quitting comedy, but there are moments where I wish I didn't start because it is very, it's a very tough industry. Very it's hard, you know, because I don't if I don't sell tickets, I don't get paid. And sometimes it's hard, it's hard to sell tickets. A lot of my job is social media, which is is its own issue. But yeah, the first time I did it, it clicked the same way drugs did. I was like, uh oh.

SPEAKER_06 48:40

We like this.

SPEAKER_02 48:41

I love this story, and I tell this all the time, but I think I I really it could not be truer. When I walked off stage after my first set, I did okay. I told a story and I did okay. And um, I got some laughs, and I remember thinking on my way down, I was like, man, I might get divorced over this. Like I really was. I was like, I'm in. This is something that is going to become a huge part of who I am. And uh off we went. Yeah, much like drugs, which I'm comfortable saying, much like drugs comedy um took over my life. I made some mistakes, lost a job, lost some friendship, worked hard to find a balance again, which I did find. Uh probably about I mean, COVID did what it did and wrecked comedy for a while. But you know, quit my job and uh quit my job four years ago, and that made things a lot easier, you know, because I wasn't trying to work and do it.

SPEAKER_06 49:36

Pull in 40 hours plus also another for like promoting yourself and doing all the work.

SPEAKER_02 49:41

Yeah, and then also feeling guilty because I'm sticking my wife with the kids all the time where I'm so what I would do is I'd we'd have a lot of adventures, and so me and the and it was awesome because I built this great relationship with my kids where we'd go out and do stuff all the time.

SPEAKER_00 49:54

That's super cool.

SPEAKER_02 49:55

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But a lot of it was just to appease like this guilt. But um, yeah, I've found a balance for the most part. And it's you know, it's still growing and it's changing, and I have my bad, bad months and good months, but I, you know, I've been doing it full time. I've been most everywhere in the country.

SPEAKER_06 50:13

Are there times within this where like what do you do to maintain your sobriety? Like, what are the tools that you have to use to yeah, maintain your sobriety? I would imagine it's different from the beginning than it is now.

SPEAKER_02 50:27

I'll be honest, it's funny because recovery was like kind of what led me into comedy. Really? And then comedy kind of took me away from my recovery stuff a little bit. What I try to do is be intentional and be like, hey, I'm gonna I'm gonna hit a meeting here, I'm gonna call my friend here. And then also like like my physical health is taking a lot of things, and also my therapist that I call on the phone a lot. A lot of times I talk to my therapist. I mean, I was in Chicago a year ago talking to my therapist on the phone, you know? The same things I I do at home and that anybody would do with any job, I do, and that's the thing is to like you have to let it exist in like these different realms. Like it is connected to my recovery and it's connected and it's how I support my family. And it's um how I engage with my community a lot of times, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 51:19

And uh make people feel connected through this story, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 51:22

And I have to watch myself because the public figure stuff can get a little bit weird with me, and like I have to watch my ego, which is tough.

SPEAKER_06 51:29

That can be tough when you're this awesome.

SPEAKER_02 51:32

Yeah, it's real hard for me.

SPEAKER_06 51:34

You performed a stage piece called The Jail Letters Project.

SPEAKER_02 51:38

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. With my mom.

SPEAKER_06 51:40

Yeah, okay. So, what's one joke you tell on stage about being in jail or an addiction that you deep down know it's maybe more of a therapeutic process?

SPEAKER_02 51:51

First off, I love that you brought this up because there's a lot of comedians that say that comedy is therapy. Comedy is not therapy, therapy's therapy. Comedy can be therapeutic.

SPEAKER_06 52:02

Oh, that's really good. Yeah, because it's not fixing it, it's that looping kind of anger thought.

SPEAKER_02 52:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, like I remember like I've been with like road comics, and I'll be like, Yeah, that's cool. You do all your recovery stuff. It's like comedy's kind of my therapy, is when I was starting out. I was like, I'm like, that's weird. You're cheating on your wife. You did a bunch of coke last night. It was like stump sick therapy sessions. Oh, yeah, that's sick, dude. Yeah, hell yeah. That sounds very Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 52:31

Also, sometimes it's just like when I like to say I've led a life, and when you've led a life, you've just got stories behind it that other people find hilarious. And it is kind of like, yeah, I got that out a little bit. I feel less shame about it. Um, I can talk about it, which is great, instead of feeling like I'm such a horrible person keeping it inside.

SPEAKER_02 52:49

There's a, yeah, exactly. I'm with you. There's a joke that I do that is see, people sometimes I think people think that I exaggerate things that I do. I do exaggerate things on stage, but a lot of times with my jokes, I'll actually like make them nicer and like easier to believe or like kinder. So there's a joke I have about being in a Thurston County jail, and a a guard turned off the hot water early, and or wait, I can't remember. See, now I'm all confused about what's the real part. Because what actually happened, okay, was there was a guard. I was taking a shower. Uh they turned off the hot water at like 9 p.m. And I like to take a shower before I would before I go to bed.

SPEAKER_06 53:33

As one does. Yeah, yeah. As one should.

SPEAKER_02 53:35

Yeah. And it was 8 55, and he turned off the hot water early. And um he was like, Sam, why don't you take a shower tomorrow? And I was like, I got shampoo in my hair. I'm in the show. We got told, I'm following the rules, you should follow the rules. He's like, Why don't you take a shower tomorrow? And I snapped. And um, I don't want to say what I was like, I was like, why don't you like I went off, right? And I came out of the shower naked towards the guard, and I realized while I was doing it that like, like, much like I looked down at myself under the tarp, I was like, I looked down at myself, I'm like, you're trying to fight a guard like naked right now.

SPEAKER_06 54:12

Doing tarp tings.

SPEAKER_02 54:13

Yeah, tarp things, yeah, yeah. Like uh, I immediately realized I was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I laid on the ground and uh I got, you know, it's I got reclassified and I wound up going to the Yakima jail, which was terrible.

SPEAKER_06 54:25

I was gonna say, Wait, they reclassified you like thanks for stopping, or no, you did bad, you gotta go somewhere else.

SPEAKER_02 54:30

Yeah, yeah, that last one, yeah, yeah. Um, but in the joke, I talk about um getting arrested in jail, and then uh I say that because I always thought it's funny. We used to watch cops in jail, right? So I kind of combined like two true stories. What watching cops in jail? I know why is that? Or they're always watching like that was the joke is we'd watch court shows. I know, but we'd watch cops in jail, and we'd be like, and the guards would be like, Did you go start seeing cops? I'd be like, I'm like, they can't get me anymore. Like, like I'm here, ain't I? You know?

SPEAKER_04 55:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:04

And then the guard would be like, uh, and then I'd tell the guard, I was like, why don't you get out of my face? And that's what I say happened, and that's how I got arrested and gotcha. But what actually happened is I tried to fart a card.

SPEAKER_06 55:17

I tried to find a guy.

SPEAKER_02 55:18

I tried to fart on the guard while I was naked. No, I that's the thing, is I say that I just got in an argument with a guard, but that's not what happened. I tried to fight a guard while I was naked.

SPEAKER_06 55:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:26

Which is frowned on in this establishment.

SPEAKER_06 55:30

Yeah. So you've gone from sleeping under a tarp to recording your debut album in that same theater.

SPEAKER_02 55:36

Yeah, Capitol Theater. Yes. I actually have it tattooed on my leg.

SPEAKER_06 55:40

That's awesome. What does that full circle moment feel like?

SPEAKER_02 55:44

Man, there's been so many moments like that. And you know what's crazy is I'm about to have another one this weekend because I'm headlining at Zany's comedy club.

SPEAKER_03 55:52

It's like a legacy club in Chicago.

SPEAKER_02 55:54

You know, there's two parts I think that I think are important to talk about. And one is just like the immense joy and like the celebration, and like um for not just me, but for like the people that have helped me. Yeah. And the people that are in my community that maybe not living vicariously, but celebrating like uh this part. Because a lot of these jokes, they don't feel like my jokes, they feel like our jokes. Like that's like I'm not representing any community. But as far as like drug users and like formerly unhoused people or whatever, that's yeah, I'm still using the thing. People that used to be homeless.

SPEAKER_06 56:28

Just common experiences. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:30

And just being like, I'm not like a representative, but I'm not not that either. And that um it feels like I get a lot of love, I get a lot of wonderful messages. There's that part, but then there's also like there's some guilt that I deal with a lot of times. How come I'm here and like friends of mine aren't?

SPEAKER_04 56:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:47

And that that part really hurts. Like there's a lot of man the last the last like six, seven years have just been brutal as far as like overdoses and stuff. It's been really hard. Um so many wonderful, beautiful people. People that there's a lot of people that help me get sober that aren't around, you know. It sucks. Sucks big time. And like I just wanna like I wanna I wanna celebrate with them. It's so dangerous.

SPEAKER_06 57:16

It is you're a recovery advocate. So as someone in recovery and a recovery advocate, if you could stop people from repeating like one thing, what would that be? Like something that's just like not helpful to someone.

SPEAKER_02 57:32

I guess like unsolicited advice and also which I think comes with this assumption that one would have like there's this idea out there, it's like, oh, like they're homeless because they're on drugs, or they but a lot of times like I being homeless changed the way I use drugs. And um, a lot of folks that I knew on the streets, they weren't on drugs and they weren't using it, and also people with houses use plenty of drugs, and like that bothers me. I used to have like fly a sign or whatever, like fly a flag, like have a sign, like an interchange. I didn't do it too much, and it was funny because people would always like give me this advice, and it's it was always strange because it was like it'd be this dude and he'd be in like a Honda Elantra, like a 2006, you have like a bunch of kids in the back, and he'd be like, Hey, you know what you should do? And I was like, Nah, listen to you, dude. Like, that's what I should do. That was kind of mean, but like like not assuming that you're still like like not projecting and not assuming that your story makes sense.

SPEAKER_04 58:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 58:34

Um, you know, and also um for if you are in recovery, that the however much like I love and we love our recovery, that doesn't necessarily mean that the stuff we work will work exactly like ours for somebody else. Just that idea that that I think you know what's weird, it comes back to almost like the the the bouncers and the cops in that room. Is it like that like your power over me does not mean that you have a better idea, does not mean that you understand like what can make the situation better, you know? Like you can't like to me, and I I'm not I'm not trying to be political here, but it's like this thing that's like when you when you talk about like this literal like this war on drugs, like treating it like a war doesn't work, and it hasn't worked, you know, and also if it is a war on drugs, like I'm sorry, like it's it seems to me that drugs have like yeah, like drugs won. Like it it seems like addiction has not gone anywhere. And it's weird because like any other war, if you want it to be a war, like any other war, when a side is losing, they will give up, you know, they will try something else or like something, you know, surrender, say like this isn't working. Like I think these substances need to be regulated and stop locking people up, you know.

SPEAKER_06 59:56

That first comment you said, it sounds like a lot of people, it's like maybe stop talking so much and like listen. Like make someone feel heard, and then they'll start. That's when like the real condos will start coming into.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:06

I also feel it's funny because I thought this podcast has gone really well until this last question, and I'd really I mean it. Like, I do not I'm I think I'm following my own advice because the advice that I would give to myself, knowing what I know about myself, might not pertain to somebody else. So I guess the thing I would tell people that are trying to help drug addicts or other folks is is to listen and to watch and to learn and to um and to give people space. Um give people space, help them, help them meet those basic needs. Yeah, and and and and and kind of watch, you know.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:43

That was awesome. And I really, really appreciate you sharing your story. I've loved these. We've laughed, we've cried, I sweat a little.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:50

So I got you a little bit. So um I just want to take bites out of the okay, me do one day.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:58

It'll be like cookie or mic.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:01

Um, so before you bite this, tell people where they can follow you, socials, tour. I we want to know it all.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:08

I'm on Home Depot.com.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:11

Doors game.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:13

I don't know why I said that. I'm sponsored by the Home Depot. No, I'm not. I have no issue with Home Depot. I you know what's funny is Home Depot might have an issue with me. This is back in the day. What I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:24

I'm not allowed back yet.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:26

Let's get it.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:27

Okay, so where can people find you? What are the socials? Tell us all of it.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:31

Uh yeah, so Sam Miller Comedian on Instagram, Sam Miller Comedy on Facebook, Sam MillerComedy.com. I used to be more active on TikTok, but I get mad.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:41

It's dangerous in there.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:42

It's too much.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:43

I still do a lot of stuff on TikTok. And uh, you know what's cool is that Black Friday, if whenever I don't know when this will come out, but Black Friday, my first comedy special that was number one on iTunes is coming out on YouTube.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:56

Shut up. That's awesome. Congratulations.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:58

Yeah, it's been out for a long time on other platforms. A lot of people, I saw a lot of vinyl. Uh yeah, that's gonna be so people can watch for free on YouTube, which a lot of people like to do it that way. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:08

I hope you're really proud of yourself. You've come a really, really long way. And I appreciate you sharing this because I know people feel connected to a lot of pieces of that. Like we are, I mean, just appear we're we a bit different, you know what I mean? But like there's a lot of stuff to your story where I was just like, uh, we had to do the thing where we were talking about before. I have to try and not go off in my own thoughts because it just like brings up like, wow, that's really relatable. And I just really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:33

During this podcast, I've realized there are a lot of similarities between like uh whatever ADHD stuff, and then you kind of do your anxiety lexapro thing, and I kind of did this other like thing that I can't quite define.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:47

You know, yeah tarp tanks.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:49

Tarp tanks.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:54

Well, okay, so that's it for our episode today. Thank you all so much for joining us from Recovery Cast. Thank you, Sam Miller, so much for being our guest today. We will catch you next time. Thank you so much for joining us.