Tiffany Jenkins | 20 Felony Charges, Pill Addiction, & Healing Through Humor

Tiffany Jenkins, the New York Times bestselling author and voice behind "Juggling the Jenkins," joins Recoverycast to share her raw journey from facing 20 felony charges to 13 years of sobriety. Tiffany opens up about her childhood struggles with undiagnosed OCD and how a single sip of alcohol in high school led to a decade-long spiral into alcohol, weed, and eventually a devastating opiate addiction. She reveals the harrowing details of staging a burglary in her own home to fund her habit and the rock-bottom suicide attempt in a jail cell that eventually led to her transformation.

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This episode explores the complex intersection of mental health and addiction, covering Tiffany's experience with postpartum depression, agoraphobia, and her recent return to intensive outpatient therapy to maintain her healing. Tiffany discusses the "invisible" life of a high-functioning addict—including dating a police officer while hiding her drug use—and the life-saving connection she found through her father’s own sobriety. Her story is a powerful testament to radical honesty, the 12-step program, and the belief that the opposite of addiction is connection.

Subscribe for more stories of hope and healing, and leave a comment sharing your own recovery journey.

⏱️ Chapters:

00:00 – Staging a Burglary: The Desperation of Addiction

00:33 – From Bestselling Author to 20 Felony Charges

01:45 – The "Good Kid" and Undiagnosed OCD

04:03 – The First Sip: When Everything Changed

11:11 – Grief, Rock Bottom, and the First Rehab Attempt

13:38 – Dating a Cop While Hiding an Opiate Addiction

23:17 – The Interrogation Room and Suicide Attempt

32:25 – A Christmas Miracle: Recovery as a Family

37:00 – OCD, Postpartum Depression, and Agoraphobia

44:45 – 13 Years Sober: Why Connection is the Cure

❓ Questions the Video Answers:

1. How does undiagnosed OCD contribute to childhood anxiety? 
2. What are the signs of high-functioning opiate addiction? 
3. How can someone hide drug addiction from a police officer? 
4. What does it feel like to detox in a jail cell? 
5. Can humor be used as a primary tool for recovery? 
6. What is "radical honesty" in the context of sobriety? 
7. How does a parent’s sobriety impact a child’s recovery? 
8. Is it possible to recover after facing 20 felony charges? 
9. What is the difference between "wanting" rehab and "doing" it for others? 
10. How do 12-step meetings help with long-term sobriety? 
11. What is the link between postpartum depression and addiction relapse? 
12. How do you handle agoraphobia in recovery? 
13. Why is connection considered the opposite of addiction? 
14. What are the benefits of intensive outpatient therapy (IOP)? 
15. How do you maintain gratitude after 13 years of sobriety? 

#TiffanyJenkins #SobrietyStories #AddictionRecovery

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So I did what anybody would do and staged a burglary in our home. And I had to steal the wallet, but I didn't want him to like have to re-apply for his license. So I like tucked it into the tree and then like miraculously led the detectives to it. I'm like, maybe have you guys checked over here by this tree? I don't know why, but I feel like something might be over here.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Like gosh. Hi everyone. Welcome to today's episode of Recovery Cast. Thank you all so much for joining us. Today we have with us Tiffany Jenkins, New York Times bestselling author, digital powerhouse behind Juggling the Jenkins, uh, someone who has become like the global face of messy but make it motherhood. Yes, yes. With over 13 years in recovery, Tiffany has opened up about her dramatic journey from facing 20 felony charges to using radical honesty and humor as her primary tools for finding healing in recovery. Tiffany, thank you so much for joining us today. We got a lot to get into. Listen, that intro, you're welcome. Whoever wrote it, disarray is immediate. You're welcome. I was so excited having you as a guest because when I think of like the people I have just seen, and someone's like, name top five people that you have seen online that make you laugh your ass off, like you're number one. I'm not joking, like for the longest time too, but I also didn't know that you had a recovery story behind that, like as I was watching at times. So I am extremely excited to get into it. I'm wrapping up listening to your second book, which I cannot recommend enough. Holy cow, what a story. What a story.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Listen.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

You really get into it too.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

I had no choice. Yeah. We can get into that too. I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

So before we get into that story though, I have also recently seen, like before recovery, before comedy and social media, like you were you were one of the good kids. Like you grew up just like one of the sweet good ones. I want to get like a picture painted of young Tiffany.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Yes. Well, I know now that it was actually OCD.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Yeah. That's actually one of my traumas.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

Actually, I like I worried incessantly about things that other kids weren't worrying about. Like I wouldn't play on the playground sometimes because I'm like, my mom can't afford an ambulance. She says it all the time. Super aware. Yeah. And just hyper aware of things that kids my age shouldn't be worried about. Every night at bedtime, I would say, like, I love you guys. Don't die in your sleep tonight, please. I need you.

unknown 2:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Good night. Again, thank you.

unknown 2:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

My kid got in trouble at school for the same thing. The teacher was like, When I was leaving, uh, your your daughter said, bye, don't get into a car accident this weekend. And I feel like that was too specific. That was too specific. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

I'm like, when you see like, okay, so like I've got little's, and when I see like my things pop up, and I was like, oh, that's a bit amaying then.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Yeah. It's like you're you're like, yes, because they're gonna have a great personality, but like, dang, they have so much ahead of them.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Uh-huh. I was like, so yeah, we'll work on that in like five, 10 years. It's like, you don't look like me, but you have my mental health.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Yeah. It's good that we know though. Uh-huh. Honestly, it is huge. Exactly. We can get in there early. Uh-huh. I I wonder sometimes, like, what would have happened if I would have known back then that it was anxiety and depression and all of that. If there was some sort of early intervention, like, would I have ended up robbing houses and tearing up the town? Maybe. Maybe you're just that ambitious.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

Maybe you never know. Yeah. But I always wondered with the good kids, because like you didn't drink until like your senior year of high school. You didn't do anything. Like, you just good kid, good kid, just panicking over what other people might think. What did you do though? Because I was always like, I wasn't a good kid in high school. So I'm like, what did you guys do? I was captain of the cheerleading squad, not to brag. I was on the dance team ball stolen. Okay. I um multitasker.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

Was captain. Yeah. Oh. I was not a captain. So that's why I had time. Like we're talking about two different things. I had time. I'm just kidding.

unknown 4:03

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

I really don't know if they felt bad for me or because I was the biggest one out there and the strongest burly, they're like, she's in charge. I don't know. But my stepfather was a police officer. And so I grew up with structure like too much, probably in fear a little bit. I was a good kid and I would just hang out with the cheerleaders and the football players. And I was afraid to get in trouble. I was afraid to do the wrong thing. And then one day, after a football game or a basketball game, I can't remember, I was still in my uniform. And this guy was like, Do you want to have a drink? And I had always said no, but for some reason on this night, I said yes. And it that was the sip that altered the course of my life forever. Because for the first time, I didn't feel like awkward and afraid and out of place and worried. I felt nothing. I was numb. And so I'm like, I need to feel that tomorrow. It's the first time you can like just like, whew.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

I'm not like viewing myself or viewing other people viewing me. This feels great. Yes, exactly. It's a huge sigh of relief. Yeah. Being somebody who perceives what other people think constantly is exhausting. It's like having a hundred other tabs open, people are like, oh, I'm stressed. Like, try imagining what everybody in the room, even if they don't know you, is thinking about you 24-7. As a teenager, that's overwhelming. That is something that, along with just everything else going on in your life, you have this whole mental drain going on of perception of the stress of what other people are thinking of, living up to this perfection. Somebody gives you the sip of gold that knocks it all out, makes you feel great, and you're not thinking of anything. And you finally feel like I can just be like everybody else and like yeah, just like be.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

Is this what normal people feel like? They just exist. Like to just be and not have like a million thoughts. Like, I wonder if the people who made this road had a good night after they got off their ship. Because like, who what are you doing? Yeah. Like, why are you why? I my brain doesn't know how to shut off. Shut off. And it does, it doesn't know how to navigate if there's no chaos. It just thrives on the brain. And so that's what happened. After my first sip of alcohol that night, within three months, I dropped out of school completely.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

Three months.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Yeah, because all the cool kids were like drinking and not at school. And like I wasn't interested in Pythagorean theorems.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

And no one's questioning, no one's making you feel like you need to live up to something if everyone's just like bumming it out in the basement couch, doing nothing. Like there's no pressure there.

SPEAKER_01 6:41

Exactly. And I'm like, my parents just don't get it. They're so lame. They want me to do good and thrive.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

They don't want me to do this, but this is great.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

You guys just have so much weed and it's amazing. And you get me.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

Wow. The places you will go when there was a bowl in high school. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

Like crazy. Uh-huh. But I didn't even get to experience it in high school because as soon as I started, it was my senior year, dude. It was my senior year of high school. I was about to graduate. It was almost over.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

That's huge. That's huge. That's something like, did it, was it just alcohol? Were you guys just like drinking and smoking weed?

SPEAKER_01 7:15

It started with alcohol and then we started smoking. And then shortly after I was introduced to my drug of choice, which was opiates. And I say it all the time. Like at that time, and this is not an excuse, but so we didn't have cell phones like we do now. Like I'm pretty sure me and my best friend like shared a cell phone and it was one of the ones with Snake. Yeah. Like, do you know when I'm not sure?

SPEAKER_00 7:35

Nokia. I had that. Yeah. It was my mom's work phone. I used to take it at night and text my boyfriend and stuff. And then it was 10 cents a text and she caught me. You better pay that lady. My boss said I paid $200 and his mom's like, oops. Why are you charging a text? That's so cool that you had a boyfriend. He didn't like me. Can't really tune that.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

So anyway, I wasn't gonna like ride my bike to the library and investigate side effects of the pill. No. When I thought of addiction, I thought of like creepy old dudes like breaking into houses and living under bridges and stuff. Like it never occurred to me that a pill could become something that you get addicted to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

Especially if it's like over the somebody's a doctor has prescribed this to somebody. To someone. Not me. I don't know who, but they did to somebody. And that was a that was a responsible choice.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So I'm like, it's not something you get from the streets. It's not something somebody's making in a basement somewhere. At least I thought, anyways. So when my best friend gave it to me, she wasn't like, here, take this. But just so you know, it's gonna destroy every relationship you've ever had and turn you into a liar and a thief and make you want to die every day. Like there was no warning. Not that it would have stopped me, probably, because I would have been like, cool, let me try. Uh-huh. I'm different. Yeah. I'm strong. Yeah, but she's like, you're gonna love it. And she was right. I did. I loved it so much that I wanted it again and again. And me and her started doing it for fun. Like together, we would like split one. And then it just it wasn't enough. A half wasn't enough. Then I started getting it on my own and things escalated. And I think there was so much guilt and shame building from disappointing my parents and going off the rails suddenly that I'm like, well, I'm an F up, might as well keep it going.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

And when you keep it going, I feel like that requires lies. Like, I know the shit that I said, and I'm just like, God, like, I don't know how anyone believed me. It's either like a matter of you really didn't know, or just like I was that good at that time. You become like a master manipulator, like tapping into just, I didn't even know I had that in me. But it's because something else is kind of like powering you.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Absolutely. I was just thinking about my first stint in rehab, and the psychiatrist was like pissed because I lied when I left and wrote a note to the person in charge of me. It was like she could sell snow to an Eskimo.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

And I was like, I'll put that on my resume. Talented manipulator.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Yeah. And that first, okay, so when was the first time you went to rehab? Here's the thing. I didn't go to rehab because I my life had hit a rock bottom by any means. It was when I just started, but my mom at 46 was diagnosed with lung cancer and died five months later. It was like super sudden. I found out I was getting a trust fund. So I knew that I was going to take the money that I got from her trust fund and I was gonna kill myself. So I I went into rehab because I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

SPEAKER_00 10:30

Not because I wanted to. But not the worst choice. Right.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

But there's such a huge difference, as I'm sure you know, um, between wanting it and doing it because you've I'm like, this is what my mom would want. I'm doing it for her a month after she's dead. Yeah. And I'm like feeling all these feelings, and it was insane. And I was sneaking drugs in, not me, another girl was, but I was just doing them. I tricked her into giving them to me.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

You're good.

unknown 10:56

God.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

I was good.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

It's embarrassing now. But we can use it for good now, which is good. You're just a good speaker. Um maybe that's it.

SPEAKER_00 11:04

Yeah, that's your that's your thing. Yeah, you're a good talker. Yeah. You've been a good talker. You use it for evil.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

Now you're using it for good. Now I'm using it for good. And it's still gets me in trouble. But I left there. And after I left rehab, uh, we went directly to Win Dixie to buy stuff to buy my favorite drink so that we could celebrate. How long were you in rehab for? 28 days. And you went just for pills too.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

You weren't like nothing like pills are my issue, nothing else is the problem. Oh, actually.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

Defiant the whole time. I was so I remember standing up in group one time, we were all in a circle, and I was like, hello, excuse me. You just said I can't puff the magic dragon anymore, which is crazy. Because that's the first thing I'll be doing. Yeah, because that's not my problem. First of all, the only bad thing I've done is like walk to the fridge and put caramel sauce on bread, which you would think it was good, but it's not. Anyway, I that's a cinnamon roll, isn't it? That's what I thought. Yeah. I'm like, I too bad nobody's here to see this because this is a culinary masterpiece. But yeah, so I got drunk when I got out, but I thought to myself, as long as I'm not doing the pills, I'm good. As long as I stay away from those, I can manage everything else. I didn't realize at the time that like I was the issue. So I was managing to stay away from them. I would go to the bar, I would drink, I would have fun. At the bar is actually where I met the cop, the sheriff's deputy.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

Uh-huh. Just two star cross lovers.

SPEAKER_01 12:32

Yeah. At the time, I'm like, oh my God, this is exactly what I need. A cop, he's gonna fix it. He's gonna fix me. Yeah, I can't do drugs if I'm with a cop, obviously. And I remembered the structure that my stepdad provided. My mother.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

And I was like, that's what I need. This will be perfect. I can't do drugs. And um, my family was proud of me. Everybody's like, You got a boyfriend that's a cop that's so crazy from where you've come from. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm amazing. I know. And I obviously I beg this guy like I'm good now. Yeah. So and then I was offered my drug of choice at work, and I knew that it was gonna cost me the relationship, but I couldn't say no because I can't say no, because there's something inside me, something insidious and strong and scary and dark. And even if everything in me wants to say no, it's almost like there's somebody else in control. And I said yes, knowing that it would cost the relationship, but willing to give it up.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

How long had you not taken opioids? Uh, five months, which was really long for me. Yeah. Did he know that you had just gotten out of rehab? He knew about my past. Got it.

SPEAKER_01 13:37

And I remember we were He's a cop, they figure it out. Yeah, and I told him because I was like, I'm gonna go into this honest and he needs to know right off the bat so he can decide if he wants to be with me. I have a past. And he's like, That don't matter, baby. That's not who you are today.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

I'll love you.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

Yeah, that's how he said it. We were at the bar. And he actually was one of the greatest humans I've ever met.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

He sounded lovely.

SPEAKER_01 14:02

He was, he really was truly the last person in the world to deserve what I did. He was a great guy. He was so caring and thoughtful. I was so selfish, and I took advantage of that. Almost like, I don't know, like I could sniff it out. Like I'm like, I know I can manipulate this person. Because that night when I went over to his house to break up with him, George for him to break up with me after I did my drug of choice, he didn't even notice that I was high. He had no idea. He invited me in and we watched a movie and it was fine. And I'm like, holy crap, dude, I can you crossed another threshold. Yeah, I can have fun on the side, but also keep up appearances. Like I'm a cop's girlfriend, my family's proud of me, everybody is really proud of me, but I could still have fun. And that's what led me to hiding my addiction for years.

SPEAKER_00 14:51

Because as you're about to open up to him, like he it didn't sound like he was ready for what you were going to tell him that like I I just relapsed, like I just, I just took a pill because he's looking at you, not picking up that you're like high or anything. Yeah. You're like, okay. So I did this, and he's like, okay, very compassionate about it. No, we didn't even get that far.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

I like he didn't say anything. He's like, How was work? I was like, good. And I there I was high as a kite. Not that it's his fault, because when love is involved, dude, it's I know.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

I was like, you can tell someone really loves you and they're looking past every single thing that's in their face. Yeah. But also it seemed like you had become really good at hiding stuff. Like you're kind of high functioning, you know, like you got a manager position at a job. You are dating a police officer who's just not picking up on this stuff. And I feel like that can create this sense of invisibility in you. That like, if I get pulled over, like you're not gonna do anything. Like you're gonna smile and laugh it off, haha, and I'm gonna keep on going.

SPEAKER_01 15:53

Literally, that's what I thought to myself. While I've got a sack full of drugs in the back, I'm like, well, if they pull me over, they're gonna be like, come on, Taf, stop dealing drugs. That's bad. Go on home. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know what I thought they were gonna do. But I did. I thought I was untouchable. And it was perfect because everybody was like, Yeah, Tiffany is living with the boyfriend. They bought a house, she's doing really great. You know, meanwhile, I've got this completely secret life with secret drug dealers and secret houses I hang out at, stealing money from jobs and getting fired, and everything in me wanted to not have to do drugs, but I was nowhere near strong enough to stop. Yeah. I tried a million times, like to the point where when I was buying drugs, I would also buy Suboxin so that I'm like, okay, when these are done, I'm seriously gonna start taking these and I'm gonna be done. But then as soon as they'd run out, I'd be like, Well, I'm not ready to die right now. I'm not ready to die. I can't, I have a function. Yeah. I would wake up every day and my first thought would be, I want to die. How can I die today without causing a big scene for anybody to clean up? Like, how can I do it cleanly and neatly? And then my second thought was, okay, how can I get money? I need money. I have to work at four. I need to get shit before my shift. How do I get money? Um, haven't been over to my boyfriend's parents' house in a while. Maybe I'll see if they have any fishing poles or tools in the garage that I could pawn. I'll get them back after my shift. I just need to get through my shift. And, you know, I just pawned things left and right, things that weren't mine. And I always thought I was gonna get them back.

unknown 17:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

When I discovered prompts. Optimistic, yeah. I was like, this is you're gonna give me money today, but I could get it back.

SPEAKER_00 17:40

It's basically like putting my own clothes in a closet and then like coming back for the city.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

Exactly, dude. That's how I thought of it.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

Everything, like this necklace my grandmother gave me at birth that I've cherished my whole life. See you Wednesday, never again. And that was like part of the story that's so devastating for me is like my ex-boyfriend's parents. Like, I remember at the end I was super desperate and I had gotten fired from my job for stealing, which prove it. I did that on camera. They caught me. That's my bad. I denied it. They're like, we have you on camera. I'm like, that's not me. Not me. Not me. Your name tag is in it. You look at the camera and say, I'm Tiffany. I'm like, I am stealing this mic. Prove it. I got fired. I was just so desperate. And that's when everything was coming to a head. It's like I was so desperate to be done and to just live a normal effing life. But I knew that I wasn't meant to. I knew that I was meant to live a short, quick life and maybe be a lesson to somebody. I knew something was coming. You know what I mean? I knew I didn't know what it was. You can only snowball for so long before it Exactly. It's coming to a head. And I can feel it. And I needed the money out of my boyfriend's wallet because we had like a function, Thanksgiving function or something with his family, and I was gonna be sick. And he I knew he had 200 bucks in it from his birthday or something, and I needed it. But I couldn't explain why the money was missing. Because it's just him and I and the dog. Dog ate your money, sorry. So I did what anybody would do and staged a burglary in our home.

SPEAKER_00 19:19

You always have such good intentions. It's just how yeah, you know. So you staged a burglary to hide $200.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Yes. And I had to steal the wallet, obviously, to make it look believable, but I didn't want him to like have to re-apply for his license and his insurance card and stuff. So I like tucked it into the tree and then like miraculously led the detectives to it. Like, what a douche canoe, dude. Thinking back on it, I'm like, girl. They didn't have enough true crime docs out at that time. Clearly, I was like, what an amateur move. Exactly. I'm embarrassed. Yeah. I'm like, maybe have you guys checked over here by this tree? I don't know why, but I feel like something might be over here. Like, gosh. So you cuffed yourself. That's like Mickey Mouse. And I loved it so much.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

Minnie? Yeah. Thank you. I do voices on the side. Do you? No. Okay. Yeah. Maybe now. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. I always get a little bit of encouragement when I bust one out. Yeah, I like that. Thanks. Um they're looking for a new Mickey. I think they actually retired him. Anyways. So you staged a birthday. Do you have ADHD? Yeah. I've got a lot of letters. I do too.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Yeah. When I tell this part of my story, it's like I've worked through the shame and guilt, but I just still can't fucking believe it. Like, I can't believe that was a choice. I thought to myself, yes, this is the one. Like laying out a blanket, putting guns into the blanket, rolling it up, driving it to my dealer's house and trading him, putting hands. Long story short, I'm an idiot. One should never put guns in the hands of drug dealers. At the time, I wasn't thinking to myself, oh, this might kill somebody. Oh, this could be used in a murder. I was thinking, oh, at least I'm gonna be okay for two days. Like the longer you're in active addiction, like the crazier your stories become, the more, you know, your morals and values drop, the more disperse.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

Normalize things that you would have never imagined before. Never, never.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

And it becomes so insignificant, like those moments. It's like if I if it was my kid, I'd be devastated that they if ever feel that desperate that they need, you know what I mean? But because it's me, I'm like, it's okay. I treated myself so poorly and I treated other people so poorly in my addiction, all for one goal, and that was to make it through another day. That's it. Just stay alive without hurting and like. It's so sad to think of how much time I wasted for fear of wondering what comes next. Like that's what kept me using the most was the fear of the unknown. But what happens when I withdraw? What if it's bad? Like as an addict, I don't like feeling uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

I don't like feeling pain. Yep. I don't like feeling anything. And that I will do anything to avoid it. And so I think that's what kept me using for so long was it's just gonna hurt too bad and I'm not gonna survive it.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Oh, absolutely. I feel like that's what keeps a lot of people there because again, it's like we're just thinking about the right now. And I know right now, if I stop doing this, I'm gonna feel like shit and it's gonna be miserable. Not thinking about six months from now, if I put this down and I keep on not doing this for six months, I'll feel like a completely new person. But I also can't even imagine what that new person is because I've just been here for so fucking long that like this is where again, like this is where I'm supposed to have a short life. This isn't gonna be long for me. I just have to maintain till I just I'm gone. Yeah. And it doesn't feel like there is a point where I'm like, it's worth turning over, it's worth going through that. Right. And it's like it's our sign. So there are some charges brought against you. You are now in a police station and everything's kind of coming out. What is this experience like for you when it you realize, like, okay, this isn't like previous times where I can kind of like lie my way out of this?

SPEAKER_01 23:32

Well, I thought I could.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Yeah, you're like, I tried.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

I tried really hard. I remember walking in the police station, it was so awkward because my friends were there. All these people I'd been hanging out with for years. I had been to their celebrations and their weddings and their barbecues. I'd like created actual friendships. Granted, it was based on a lie, all of it, but like a lot of it was real to me. And so today, when I walked in, and they were looking at me on that day, like not like a friend, just like a junky loser piece of crap off the street. Like the way that their eyes like changed changed. It was palpable, it was noticeable. And when I got in there, I was like, I want my phone call just just being so dramatic and lying. And then eventually, and then they're like, we have literal footage of you pawning stuff. So I was like, fine, I did it. They're like, We yes, you did. Thank you. Now about the guns. And I'm and I tried really hard. I thought I was doing really great as a liar in the interrogation room. I that's how sick I was. I was like, I'm fucking killing this. Like when I get out of here, everybody's gonna be so embarrassed when they find out. It was me all along. Yeah, like what? Yeah, stupid. Um, but they got me. They said, you know, are you willing to take a lie detector test? And I'm like, of course, of course I am. I've watched so many YouTube videos on how to pass these just in case this moment ever came. And I got to the bathroom and I was pissing on my way to get lie detected tested. And I was like, I'm so fucking tired. I did everything. I told the lady from the stall. She's like, Well, we gotta get you back in the room to say it on camera. And I was like, let's go.

SPEAKER_00 25:20

And I just meant IP'd. I'm done. Yeah. Just kidding. Like, oh, I did it. What a relief. I've never thought you actually go back, you're like, wait. So oh, you thought I meant yeah, can I actually get all of that expunged? The murder.

SPEAKER_01 25:39

No, that wasn't me. That's so funny, dude. I didn't even, I've never thought about that. Because that is what I said. Yeah. Anyways, it was horrible. And it was horrific. And as soon as I started, I I got back in the room and just confessed everything. I just felt free. I could feel a weight lifted off of me. And it was like the truth that I had been hiding for so long was finally out, and I didn't have to hide it anymore. And it felt crushing and devastating and embarrassing as hell. Yeah. Like it was on the news and shit. But the worst part wasn't even that. Like I didn't care about being on the news or people knowing what I did. I felt terrible for what I did to him and all of these people's friends. Truly, like he was such an incredible person. Like, like a pope. Like, you're gonna do this to the it was three days in jail that the pain of withdrawal and the pain of the reality of the life that I had created was just too much. And I decided I needed to end my life. And it wasn't even like a, oh, I guess I'm gonna do it. I guess so. It was like I have to fucking do it. I can't wait for everybody to go to sleep. The minute that they do, I'm gone. This is over, and I never have to feel this pain ever again. My family would pop into my head. I'd immediately push them out because I'm like, I can't be deterred. Like I have to just be done. I cannot take another minute in this body. And um, everybody went to sleep and I followed through with my plan and they saved me. I was really angry though. Like when I realized that the light was not the light, I'm like, Detective Jones? Like, how can you decide that I have to stay here? Like, I don't want to live in this body with this broken mind. Like, how can you decide that I can't go? Like, I felt like that was playing God a little bit. Yeah. And I felt really upset because I feel like it should be up to me. And they took me to medical, took all my clothes and my glasses, and I detoxed in a turtle suit, as they say.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

Um, was that experience like for you?

SPEAKER_01 27:50

It was it was exactly what it needed to be for me not to ever fucking want to do it again. It was like I felt like an animal in the zoo, but worse, like people weren't excited to look through the glasses. You'd be kinder to an animal if it was going through that. Yeah, they all hated my guts because of their friend. And I get it, but I could hear them whispering and shit. And I it was so dark, dude. Being stripped of everything, including my glasses. Like I couldn't see, I was naked, I was writhe. I can never say this word, but I want to use it so bad in sentences. Writhing, writhing? Writhing. Writhing. Writhing. Okay, do the I say it like writhing.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

Rithing. Move your mouth and I'll say the word writhing. Use that one. That was really good.

unknown 28:37

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

See, we can't do this. We can't go off on side quests, dude, because I'll never make it back. Like, this might be a two-parter. This is really bad. Guys, what were we? You were writhing. I was writhing on the floor of suicide want. It's always the most traumatic shit when we come back.

SPEAKER_00 28:55

No, let's laugh. That's funny.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

Yeah, it was horrible. And I begged, I was begging the officer to hit me over the head with his asp. Truly. Like I was leaned over the toilet trying to break my own whim pipe. Like I I've never been so desperate to not be a part of the world. And it's such a crazy feeling to not have a reason.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Yeah. Especially when you're in a place like that. Like it's hard to describe to people like you really do feel like you have all autonomy. Nobody's listening to you. You could scream and beg, and people just sit there and look at you if you're lucky. Like it's a trauma all on its own.

SPEAKER_01 29:33

Yeah, it was horrible. It was horrible. Like I was bleeding. I forget what happened. I hit my head. Maybe because I did it on purpose. They weren't really happy with me, but they were giving me dirty looks.

SPEAKER_00 29:44

You're like, I bashed my head against a wall. Fucking rude. These guys just gave me a dirty look.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

It just it's rude, no? Is it like let me have my mental breakdown? Go ahead. Someone give us a softer stare.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

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SPEAKER_01 30:31

Yeah, I don't know. I just feel like I'm I deserved it for sure. I deserved everything. And I think about it all the time. And that's one of the things that like keeps me from ever fucking wanting to go back is um Maybe you didn't deserve that, but you needed it.

SPEAKER_00 30:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:45

And the craziest thing is the girl who came in to give me my glasses back was a girl I used to coach cheerleading.

SPEAKER_00 30:52

One of my deputies was a girl that was like a freshman or sophomore when I was a senior, and it was just like really yeah, she was the one who I had to take my urine test with before I could leave. It was an ex yeah, it was uh she was very sweet. We always really thankful for the nice people in there that like make you feel like a human again.

SPEAKER_01 31:08

That shit, I'm gonna say it right to the camera. The people who treat addicts like humans when we are at our lowest and don't deserve it are angels on earth. And I truly believe that. There are people who spoke life into me and when I didn't believe it. And there was people who had faith in me when I had no faith in myself. And I fought with these people about what a bad person I was. Like trying to convince them.

SPEAKER_00 31:34

They pulled you up out of it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

My dad came to visit me on Christmas.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:39

And that changed everything for me in there.

SPEAKER_00 31:42

Because they came back. You hadn't seen them in how long?

SPEAKER_01 31:44

Well, when Christmas came, it was like a month after my arrest. Um, but nobody was visiting me or anything. Um, yeah, he came in and he told me that he had cancer and that he had been sober for 60 days. And that was crazy to me because my dad had always partied my whole life. I'd never seen him sober. Wow. Yeah. When I when I first heard I had a visitor and it was him, I was like nervous. Yeah. I was like, how did he get here?

SPEAKER_00 32:10

Did he drive a mouth? Yeah. That's incredible though. Did that give you some sort of like, holy shit. It saved my life. Really?

SPEAKER_01 32:18

Yeah. That yeah, that moment, that day. He said, Um, I will always love you no matter what. You're my daughter. There's nothing that you could ever do that would make me feel differently about you. I'm your dad and I love you, and I always will. And you need to get your shit together and get out of there so that we could do this recovery journey together as a family. And that was the day that I started writing to the judge begging for rehab.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

My gosh. And you got it too. So you got is like a deferred sentence then. It's like if you go to rehab, you can kind of defer from going to prison or jail for a certain amount of time.

SPEAKER_01 32:56

So they gave me two offers for some reason. Uh, one of the offers was to stay in jail for four months and three years of probation. And the second offer was to stay in jail for two more months, do six months of residential treatment, and then three years of probation. And all the girls in the jail are like, dumbass, don't do rehab. Like, why would you not want to be free? But I knew that.

SPEAKER_00 33:18

You're not free like this.

SPEAKER_01 33:20

Yeah. Like there's people who would get released from the jail in the time that I was there, get released, and then get rearrested and come back in. See him 48 hours later. And I'm like, hey, not not to be dramatic, but like, you got to touch grass and listen to music and eat Taco Bell and you're back here. You should still be at Taco Bell. Yeah, what the fuck? Wait for me. When am I getting out? Ever? Yeah. It happened so much. And it's like all these people know is jail. They don't have anywhere else to go. Because when they do get out on the street, they have no homes. All the places and people that they know are using.

SPEAKER_00 33:58

I want it to become like the lifestyle for you to be in and out of there.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

Well, I knew that jail was going to keep me away from the drugs physically. Like you could keep me caged up all you want, but I'm leaving this place with more resources than ever.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

So you chose to go into a residential program, and it sounds like the women there gave you a chance to kind of open up, tell your story in a place that, like, there weren't jaws on the floor.