Patrick Custer | Alcoholism, Delirium Tremens & Facing a Brain Tumor

What do you do when the very thing you have feared since you were three years old actually happens—and you have to face it while five years sober? In this episode of RecoveryCast, Brittany Barnard talks with recovery advocate and media personality Patrick Custer about his intense journey through alcohol addiction and a life-altering medical crisis. Patrick opens up about a childhood shaped by hypervigilance and a "fear of God" that led to chronic anxiety. He describes how his first drink didn't feel like euphoria, but like finally reaching a "baseline" of peace.

The conversation dives deep into the physical toll of alcoholism, including the terrifying experience of Delirium Tremens (DTs), which Patrick describes as "electrocution of the brain." From being dropped from a prestigious nursing program to a high-stakes family intervention involving a warrant for his arrest, Patrick shares the moments that led to his radical acceptance. Most importantly, he explains how he navigated a brain tumor diagnosis in sobriety by "leaning in" to connection rather than isolating. 

Find mental health and addiction treatment near you: https://recovery.com/

If Patrick’s story of resilience and finding joy beyond "not being sad" inspired you, please subscribe and share this episode with someone who needs to hear that hope is always available. 

⏱️ Chapters:

• 00:00 – Intro: Becoming a Conduit for Hope 
• 02:31 – The First Drink: Reaching "Baseline" 
• 06:45 – Religious Trauma & Chronic Hypervigilance 
• 11:38 – The Horror of DTs & Brain Electrocution 
• 14:33 – "It Isolates Me From Me": Losing Identity 
• 16:28 – The Unraveling: Dropped from Nursing School 
• 19:04 – The Wrong Way: A Family Intervention 
• 22:30 – Arrest Warrants & Radical Acceptance 
• 27:12 – Facing the Nightmare: A Brain Tumor in Sobriety 
• 38:15 – Why Leaning In Is Always Better 

❓ Questions the Video Answers:

1. How does alcohol act as a "baseline" for chronic anxiety? 
2. What does "electrocution of the brain" feel like during alcohol withdrawal? 
3. How can a hypervigilant childhood lead to later substance abuse? 
4. What are the consequences of being a "functional" alcoholic in nursing school? 
5. How do you handle a family intervention when you are in denial? 
6. What is the "forever concept" and why is it overwhelming? 
7. How does addiction cause you to "stop developing identity"? 
8. What is the impact of "fear of God" versus a spiritual life of your own? 
9. How can you stay sober while taking narcotics for a medical emergency? 
10. Why do people with addiction often feel "behind" in life? 
11. What does it mean to be a "bad apple" in a treatment program? 
12. How does a brain tumor affect motor function and speech? 
13. Is isolation always the "lesser result" in recovery? 
14. How can curiosity replace the shame of not knowing the answers? 
15. Why is "not being sad" different from having true joy? 

#AddictionRecovery #BrainTumorSurvivor #AnxietyAwareness

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Y'all, my drinking career only not to give all that away, but it was it was 19 to 24. Years of years of age. So a lot of people look at that and they're like, oh, well, you were just like a like an out-of-control college kid, or you know, the whatever.

SPEAKER_02 0:14

I mean, and that I was, but also welcome to Recovery Cast, where we share real stories about mental health and addiction recovery. I'm Brittany Bainard, and today's guest is Patrick Custer. Patrick is a recovery advocate, a media personality, and the host of the Patrick Custer Show. His journey through addiction and the life-threatening medical crisis shaped his mission to help others feel seen through honest storytelling, community, and hope. Patrick, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.

SPEAKER_02 0:55

Good. I'm excited to have you here. Um, so before we dive in, what is something that you hope people get from your story?

SPEAKER_01 1:02

Hope. Yeah. I'm fully convinced that I'm still alive today to facilitate that. And I try to take advantage of every moment of my life to be a conduit that connects people to hope that they can find joy again, hope that they can find um peace again, hope that they, you know, whatever their life is missing that brings a void and a lack of quality.

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Hope's what keeps people going.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:32

Yeah. So you've spoken about growing up in Tennessee and not really seeing addiction as something that could have affected you. What do you remember most about those earliers? And did those beliefs about addiction shape your identity with that?

SPEAKER_01 1:46

I remember I never saw myself drinking, you know, all these things. But, you know, I go to college and I I think that so much of my worldview, so many of the things that were staples in my worldview were um shattered, right?

SPEAKER_03 2:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

That it forced me to start questioning everything that had been told to me, you know, when I adopted. So, you know, when one leg flips out, the other leg flip, and you're like, why is that leg still holding trying to hold everything out? Let me see. Does the table even need to be off the ground?

SPEAKER_02 2:17

Like, am I even on Earth right now? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

But I was very, like a very cautious person. I remember like everything about that night. I was with a my very best friend at the time who I sincerely trusted. We're still friends to this day. And I don't, this wasn't her, this hadn't no blame to her at all. She's a full-blown normie. And um I don't think she had any reason to know that I was, you know, close-knit group, like a handful of people, safe environment. And I don't remember why, but I felt safe enough to try beer. And I remember like drinking the beer, and nothing happened. I sipped on it, nothing happened. But you know, then you slowly feel it.

SPEAKER_04 3:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

And um what my thought that w was gonna happen was that uh always you drink alcohol, you immediately become addicted.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

Homeless, you don't have a job, nothing to do.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

But also that again, black and white thinking, you also lose control. I didn't know the word at the time, but like lose agency.

SPEAKER_02 3:24

Yeah, okay, yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

And just want more one after the other, after the other, after the other. And uh, that wasn't the case. I was I had my wits about me. I didn't forget anything. I paced myself. I had a slow, slow, you know, and I think in total I drank three beers that night. I didn't know this till many decades later, but I had a pretty heavy dose of anxiety just regularly sitting on my shoulders all the time. It was quite the mind shift for me. I think from a young age, we start to ask ourselves questions like, why am I here? Why does why does this, why does that? You know, and we start to develop our own answers, challenge them, maybe shift the whatever. This was a big one because I'm like, you know, my brain's still developing developing, but but I'm really starting to go, wait a second, this way that I've like felt and the things that I've been taught to cope and manage with fear, I'm I'm doing air quotes, because it is fear. Anxiety, you know, anxiety is rooted in fear, but this this was just so big, so monumental to me. It's crazy to say this because in that moment, I just remember being so grateful. Grateful that I didn't go crazy, grateful that I had been so confused, and I felt like, oh wait, I think I have more of the truth now. Experiencing honestly in reality, I did have more of truth. I just there was for me, there was more to come that was way unbounded. I mean, like it was destined for me to go too far. And I didn't have any other tools.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

I mean, there's a reason why it progresses. It's like if it didn't feel that way the first time, I don't think you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

Like the alarms would go off and more people would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

Well, that was dumb, not doing that again. But yeah, it does. It has this feeling, especially when you're dealing with anxiety. And if it's at a constant rate and you're always up there, having any type of like calmness is so euphoric. It feels great. And it's usually that time, and then after that, it just goes downhill. But like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

Well, and I would say, so not not to correct you in general, but for for me, I wouldn't even describe it necessarily as euphoric because that's what came later for me. What initially hooked me in was the absence of, right? So when I think about that night, how I would describe it is the absence of the negative feelings I was feeling, the things that were holding me back from feeling peace from fully brought a neutral. Yes. It brought it felt like it brought me to baseline.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

What were you?

SPEAKER_01 6:04

And I didn't know that I had ever not been a baseline.

SPEAKER_02 6:08

When you are constantly anxious, I feel like at times you don't know that there's like another way to not be. So when something goes neutral, it's like, holy shit, that was like that, that's great. But what is making you? I want to know about the anxieties that you're feeling.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

So there were two. I think that being raised in uh the super conservative trish, and let me let me preface this. I have a wonderful relationship with a higher power that's used to call God uh today. And I am so grateful for what has led me to a place of being able to have a a spiritual life that is mine now and not one that I inherited or adopted. But at the time, mine was completely built on uh the the don't do this because the scary thing might happen. Do this, the scary thing might happen.

SPEAKER_02 7:02

Yeah, it's like the fear of God instead of the love of God. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

Yeah. Yes. And that set me off on a neurological path of hyper hypervigilance and fight or flight. And the only way I knew and had been raised to know how to deal with this was uh uh prayer. I still believe in prayer and think it's a wonderful way to uh for coping and for my you know the relationship with um my higher power and for be grounded, all the things. I don't think it's the only solution. And I think it's dangerous to I look back, I'm just gonna keep it to myself, you know, from to my story. I look back and I think how dangerous it was to tell someone like me that the solution for every time, like for these constant fears and everything that were plaguing me was, you know, take it to God, go pray about it, all these things. Because that was the solution I was constantly met with. Now, from my earliest memory, I was going to get a uh cancerous brain tumor and die. And when I say earliest memory, like I was three or maybe four, but I think three, because I've been able to trace back and I remember like my memories have registered and I remember lots about when I was three. But that memory is the most constant that I remember from the very beginning. And that every single like every day, I don't remember a day that went by that that did not plague my mind and take up so much of my thought life.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

What does then your addiction and alcohol use, like, how does it end up progressing? What does it look like on a day-to-day?

SPEAKER_01 8:55

Y'all, my drinking career only not to give all that away, but it was it was 19 to 24. So years of age. And thank God that it was only that long because I my I literally would not have lived, I don't think, I don't know how much longer, but it wouldn't have been a lot longer if I had kept going. And um so a lot of people look at that and they're like, oh, well, you were just like a like an out-of-control college kid, or you know, that whatever. I mean, and that I was. But also genetics uh were not on my side. Um, consequences were not on my side. Uh, you know, all kinds of I mean, like I had every reason under the sun to get off of, you know, and never drink, never drink again. But um, okay, so I start, you know, couldn't tell my friends, because my friends literally, the people who I'm spending time around were studious college kids, right? Like they drank, but like I like they weren't, they weren't getting obliterated. Like these are these are people who were like wonderful. Yeah, and then they were serious about school. And I mean, like you imagine the upbringing that I've explained you, I grew up in. I chose to spend time around people that were um that made me feel safe and comfortable, right? So those weren't necessarily people that like were who I ended who I ended up being like best buds with, right? Um and uh so but so it was slowly, like slowly but grab and gradual. And so my consumption increased, uh, the people around me started to change because I needed to feel more comfortable in the environment that I was right. Like I didn't know at the time that this is what was it was all connected. Yeah. Yeah. But that whole friend group, the people that I was friends with when I got my DUI, they did not know that I was too ashamed even to tell them because that I felt like that was gonna be one of those.

SPEAKER_02 11:04

Just like a moral failure, it feels like, yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

It got worse and worse and worse. I I talked about my friend groups changing. And then um academically I was doing more poorly. You know, consequence after consequence, I actually ended up having to, you know, change schools, change programs, eventually got dropped from the program that I was in.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Why?

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Um, you know, it's fun. I I could say it's funny about this now, but like because I I was I was drinking uh liquor around the clock because at this point I was um I was so strongly uh uh addicted um with alcohol. You know, there's a a uh the the way it works with you, with your all your organs and your neurological system and everything. I would have delirium tremens, DTs. What it was like for me when I would have DTs is that they would come on. I don't I feel like my my tolerance was kind of like this, depending on the sleep. Um, because I would sleep like once every three days and yeah, for a couple hours. I could only sleep for a couple hours because that's how long I could make it without starting to withdraw and go through DT. What it was like for me experiencing a DT was the worst panic you've ever experienced. All of a sudden, your entire like reality just is shattered. Your vision shakes, you might I mean, people talk about all kinds of different things. I never saw like I never I don't think hallucinated, but um like nothing your brain is literally it felt like someone was electrocuting my brain and it was like frying and I just the worst. I mean, just the worst panic, the worst just hours after not drinking. Yeah. To the point, I mean there there's no like this is painful, I'm just gonna grin and bear it. Like the only thing you can think about is I need like where for where did I put the bottle before I went to sleep? Yeah. At this point, I had learned to not drink everything before I went to sleep because I knew that stage for me of admitting to myself that I do not want to wake up tomorrow and not have access to something that is going to give me the peace I need until I get because I was so bad off I didn't keep a storage, I couldn't keep a storage of alcohol around.

SPEAKER_02 13:34

The second I met you, I was like, I think he's an extrovert. We are extroverts. So anything that pulls us in, I feel like that's that mean brain. Like my brain tells me, like, no one likes you. You need to just be in a closet by yourself all the time. And then alcohol is telling you like that person's dangerous because they might make you stop hanging out with me, Mr. Alcohol. So push all of that away. It's it's maddening and it isolates magical people.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Yes. It well, it it isolates in a couple ways. When I, you know, thinking about it now, I'm like it isolates me from you, or you being the metaphorical you know, representation of of um, you know, my uh supportive friends, the people I loved, um, that gave me life and joy. Um, it it isolated me from me. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had stopped developing identity with the things that we anchor ourselves to. I and I had no idea that that was happening. When people would ask me about myself, it would either be a lie or if I if I was being hon or trying to be honest, I'd have to go back and I would be referencing what I remembered about who I was.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

What's the last thing I remember enjoying?

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was it was the it was the me and the things that made me up before before the gymnastics of it all.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

Yeah. This like version of yourself you like still try and hold on to and like here you go, this is it.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

Yeah. I mean, and I had no idea that the development was still supposed to be continuing, and then I was behind. In the back of my head, I did feel behind. That was the first time I ever started feeling like everyone was moving ahead of me.

SPEAKER_03 15:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

They knew something I didn't know, and it was embarrassing. I couldn't say it out loud, but like everybody was in on progression of some sort. I was missing it. And I I just had to keep quiet about it. And so it was this whole thing of like, I'm behind. That was probably where imposter syndrome for me really started. I did not have imposter syndrome before then. I really didn't, because I was like, I'm here, bitches. Even though I wouldn't say that word.

SPEAKER_02 16:00

Um no, but that's extremely relatable. Felt that in my soul saying that. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so as it progresses, were there moments or behaviors that signaled like, okay, we are we're at the beginning of the unraveling and I need to do something about it.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Oh yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna try and do a drive-by of this because I w I could it could be so long. But um, I got sober in uh February 16th, on February 16th of 2011. I'd been in nursing school for uh three weeks. Um, and this was an extremely hard nursing school to get into. Got dropped for being late three times. Not because of drinking. I was drinking, this is what I was starting to talk about earlier. I was drinking around the clock liquor. I know I smelled like a brewery. At this point, I had that the oozing out of the skin, that smell that's not even what smells like alcohol. It's a sits in your sweat. Yes. Yeah, and but no, the nobody from the school ever said you're like.

SPEAKER_02 16:57

How'd you get into this nursing school drinking all the time? Just very functional.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

I well, I was until I wasn't. You know, yeah. And and but they're no joke. I mean, like you're two minutes, five, I mean, really honestly, you're two minutes late.

SPEAKER_02 17:10

You're on time, you are five minutes late and you're yeah, drop me from the program.

SPEAKER_01 17:15

And it was so there was so much shame in that that um I could not again. That was so just like the how I dealt with the DUI. This was like, I don't know, I this might have been a bigger deal because for me, because I needed to do something important and big with my life. I needed to move forward, I needed to support myself, I needed to be responsible. I needed, you know, all these things. I had no alternative reality other than one where I got a a degree to do something amazing that made a huge impact on people's lives that my parents were proud of and respected, and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Right. And that for me, this was the this was this was it. And getting dropped from that, like there was no other I there was no other, like, there was no other plan at this point. So for me, beer at this point was like one of those things where if I had to be drink beer too long, I would start to de uh detox. Yeah, detox. I would start to detox and and almost start to go through the DTs. And so all drinking beer. I was I had it was beer 30, the cheapest beer you've got to do. Oh, I know exactly what you had water with some drops of beer in it. Yeah. But you get 30 of them for $14, at least in 2011.

SPEAKER_02 18:29

And um You were doing the same thing at the same time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

I had run out of my beer 30 and I was like, I need something. So I was um, it was this confluence of events that happened that were at like that had to in order for this window of opportunity to take place. I look back and think, there's no other way I would have been willing to accept help. I was not, when you asked me, were you at a point of reflection of uh hell no?

SPEAKER_02 18:58

No, this is still working for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Sort of full-blown denial. And um I am uh driving out of my parents' neighborhood to go get more alcohol. And my siblings, I see my siblings past me. Um, they're coming into the neighborhood. And uh I told them that I was on the way to the hospital to go see my dad. So awful. Um and all they said, they were like, they were pointing the other way. And and my sister, I remember she the look on her face was just so like lost, dread, sorrow. And I'm like, oh my God, dad died. And so like I turned around and followed them back to the house. And they all, I think they knew because I'm such an emotional person, like, treat it like this because it'll you know. And uh anyway, they let into the whole, they did their own intervention. And the options for me were you can go somewhere else and do your own thing, or uh you can accept help and go to treatment right now. Like go pack your bag. Yeah. And um, I didn't have, I mean, I I didn't, I wasn't working. I didn't have, you know. There was a part of me though that was slight, it was was was grateful, couldn't imagine an alternative reality, but also just like also couldn't imagine a reality where I kept going and this works out for me.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

No. And um that was the first time parts of me were starting to let go of control and expectation because I was just like, I don't know what's about to happen, but it's something different.

SPEAKER_02 20:45

This podcast is brought to you by recovery.com. Recovery.com is a place where anyone can find mental health or addiction treatment options specific to them. You can filter by location, price, insurance coverage, therapy type, mental health condition, levels of care, and so much more. Recovery.com is the best place to find mental health or addiction treatment for anyone, anywhere. Yeah. So what did you choose?

SPEAKER_01 21:12

Oh, I I went, I went back to my bag. I don't even know that I really thought about trying to like.

SPEAKER_02 21:19

No, you're like, we're going.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

Yeah. I I knew that there was no me like surviv- I grew up very comfortably. I was a spoiled, like, I didn't know how to survive without my parents.

SPEAKER_02 21:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

Literally.

SPEAKER_02 21:32

Kind of still the same.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yeah. And you know, I look back and I'm like, good, because it's what got I mean, like, you know, yeah, it's what made me say yes. So it wasn't until the qu to to circle back and answer your question, when did you reflect and kind of buy into needing help? Yeah. All those things. Well, I was well into treatment before that happened.

SPEAKER_02 21:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

So, but uh but my that point of reflection and And uh turning for me, the the white light burning bush radical acceptance was um when the Williamson County Sheriffs showed up at my parents' house. You know, when I when you go into treatment, they ask you, are you being fully honest? Have you, you know, legal this, this, this, we need to know everything. And like reiteration, we really need to know. Are you fully being honest? Yada, yada, yada. My dad, by this point, had been working on, I had had a string of things, I think 18 legal citations, tickets, whatever, that my dad had been working on behind the scenes for me once I was in treatment. This is after he had gotten home from the hospital and was like, he had better sh a few weeks in, and the sheriffs, like multiple, like show up for a warrant at my parents' house because of something I done, I can't remember. Um, I hadn't shown up for the court date and yada, yada, yada. So there's a warrant out for my arrest. And um, so they had a quote unquote come to Jesus moment, and I don't mean my parents, they had the treatment team do it. And the treatment team said, we don't know if we're keeping you here because you're the bad apple of the bunch. Do you want this or not? We want people here who want it. Yeah. At this point, you need to be wanting what we have to offer. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:10

We're not just here for robes and cereal. You gotta like lock in and like, do you want to take it seriously?

SPEAKER_01 23:16

And I'm like, Well, I don't, you know, again, I'm like, well, it's either this or I don't know what my other reality is. Like, I don't, I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. Like I'm showing up. I'm here. Like, yeah, you know? And I the way they handled it was just the way I needed it to be handled because it was, I said, Well, what do you mean? Like, what do you like wanting it? Like, what do you the amount of times I remember the administrator that like took the lead on this saying, I don't know, but like we don't feel like there's any part of you that wants it. You've got some thinking, we've got some thinking, you know, this is a small program, and we need to be thoughtful about the rest of the the community uh that we're, you know, you affect other people. And you know, hopefully they affect you in a positive way. But like, so we're gonna be, you know, assessing the situation and talking amongst amongst ourselves, but this is the reality, and you need to be you need to be aware and think about what you're um and it forced me to go and reflect like crazy, and where I landed was I have no idea what I'm doing. What am I doing? I don't know what to do or what I'm doing. I need to be asking.

SPEAKER_02 24:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:28

I need to be curious. And I wasn't at that point. I had not.

SPEAKER_02 24:33

How long had you been in treatment before this?

SPEAKER_01 24:36

It was probably about two and two and a half weeks, I think. Um, and I mean that is a a good amount of time.

SPEAKER_02 24:43

Especially when that's like the place you're living and in and stuff. Like two weeks feels like uh two months.

SPEAKER_01 24:48

Well, and if you think about it, when it's the way the uh our programs are designed, most of them are on a 28-day scale. So, like at halfway through two and a half weeks, you should be making some, hopefully, some progress. We shouldn't be talking about whether or not you want to be.

SPEAKER_02 25:01

Yeah. Was this your first time going into any type of treatment facility?

SPEAKER_01 25:04

Oh yeah. And the message that kept being given to me was like, okay, well, that recommendation was good, and you still don't know what to do for the other thing next. Like, so every, you know, we talk about the next, what do you do next? You do the next right thing. Yep. I didn't know the next right thing. So for me, what that pivotal change was continuing to ask people that were in any way, shape, and form trustworthy ahead of me, whether it was administration or somebody who had been in the program much longer than me and was doing well for feedback on what they would recommend for me to do.

SPEAKER_02 25:38

Yeah, just being open to it.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

I started asking for help.

SPEAKER_02 25:42

That's huge. That is extremely huge. Especially if you're an introspective person who's kind of just like, I panic on my own. If I do choose to, half the time I just lock it up and don't address it and don't let it address me. So, what does it feel like being vulnerable and opening up to people and asking for help?

SPEAKER_01 26:02

Well, all of a sudden, it felt like things started to cli like things started felt feeling like they were working. Or there was a momentum that was happening that wasn't happening before. I started to feel better. I started to feel connected. People there started to want to like spend time with me. You know? Um, there was a point I remember hearing birds in the morning, and it was no longer a consequence.

SPEAKER_02 26:31

It wasn't hearing the birds and be like, fuck, I didn't sleep less. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:34

I always talk about the birds because it's something so many people can relate to. That it's that alarm clock of you did it again. You did it again, the cycle keeps going. You didn't use your self-control that's there. You you use it, but you didn't, yeah, thinking that there's choice. So um anyway, I uh I will say you don't go to you don't go to a football game, you don't go to social gathering, you know, you know, whatever, and everybody's like, uh, would you like a cup of uh painkillers? Uh do you want to do you want a a cup of painkillers on um, I don't know, what do you mix stuff with? Like a Moscow mule made with painkillers? Yeah. No. But with alcohol, I mean like it's everywhere. You know? Uh today I do, I really think that sobriety is much more accepted and and like you don't really have to explain yourself as much as you did 14 years ago when I got sober. Right. Um and I remember thinking, like, I can this is a few months in, I ended up doing long-term, like a handful of months of of programming. And I was glad to. After that first month, um, and me dealing with when they said the halfway house word, I was like, that is rude.

SPEAKER_02 27:48

Yeah, I'll step it up.

SPEAKER_01 27:51

Like, anyway, but um extreme. I humbled myself and then ended up loving it. I did months and months and months of programming. Needed it. It's what changed saved my life, and it's the reason why I think that I was able to stay sober and not relapse.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

Um why do you think that is though, as opposed like what about it made you feel that way?

SPEAKER_01 28:11

Good, good old brainwashing. Like a life adjustment. A life adjustment, but like my brain literally needed to be washed. Not like, not like cult brainwashing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:21

But like it was full of we hadn't been like living for the last few years. So it looks like we have to go somewhere, reset, and figure out how to do the day-to-day again.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

As adults, the way our brains are made, we we make a decision to do something. And whether or not it was good, we have a good consequence or a bad consequence, you know, gives us the map for how we make a decision that's similar the next time, right? It had been so long since I had been making coherent decisions. So as adults, we trace back and we reference the most successful logical path, right? Uh to guide us as we move forward. For me, that was just so foreign because uh it had been too long. I had been just making decisions based on survival, uh you know, all the things. So I I needed when I say brainwashing, I needed, I needed, I needed help restructuring. I needed simplicity.

SPEAKER_03 29:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

I needed lack of the distractions that made me feel behind. And that is like that is a big thing when you're surrounded by people that are doing well in life or seemingly doing well in life. Like I needed to be around people that were also doing this simple, simple stuff. Yep. Yeah, you know, and um so there are many other reasons why long term is I think the way to go if you can if you can at all do it, not everybody can. Um, but you know, I say all the time, I I'm I don't think I'm one of those types of addicts that could have been a revolving door. I think if if I hadn't done the foundational work the first time, I think it would have taken me out if I had relapsed. So um the forever concept. I think I coined it, but probably not. Drinking. I had bought into this whole thing of recovery, and I was like, I actually remember what joy feels like. I actually can feel some natural peace, some real peace, not the fake kind. And um, and I'm loving this structure that the 12 steps has given me because it I could comprehend it.

SPEAKER_03 30:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

And it worked. And um, but the thing that was just like that it was out there, and I was like, but I couldn't deal with it because it was too far in the future and I didn't have an answer, was the forever concept, just never having a drink again, which is why you see on the rooms of in in the rooms of recovery so many slogans of one day at a time, one step at a time, easy does it just for today, yada yada yada, because we'll like we can't the thought of forever is really overwhelming to hold myself accountable for forever. Yes. With my brain coming back online, the daily overwhelming doom of this brain tumor fear came back with a vengeance, right? So of course that was gonna get attached to I the for the forever concept. I don't know what I'll do. Like, I think I can keep this thing up. I believe in the program, I'm happy, joyous, and free. Yada yada yada. If that thing ever happens, though, I can't. I like I just I I I don't think I'll be able to keep my sobriety.

SPEAKER_02 31:41

That's scary though, because like it's kind of my maintaining this is rooted in something I have no control over. Well like the possibility of it.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

I love that you said that because the truth is that's the truth. Yeah. Like my maintaining this actually is related to something I have no control over. I uh today continue to do the work to maintain my sobriety. I have no control over this world, over what's gonna happen next, or you know, whatever. I hope that what has helped me to stay on a good path for the past number of years is gonna help me stay, you know, but like it is an illusion. The control is an illusion. Yeah. And I have to believe that and embrace that. And I choose to believe and embrace that because to me that is the truth. So I get sober in 2011. I have about a year and a half, two years of of good life. Like I'm building, thank God. And then I start to have these symptoms that are unexplainable. And it was progressive. Like it started, I was this was cross my CrossFit years, and it started with exercise. Like I would like what we call red line at a certain point. And I thought that I was like, it didn't make sense because I didn't, I wasn't doing more weight than I should have or going longer than I should. But I'd red line, and the red line, what that means is like where you go too hard too fast, like your whole body just like shuts down and it affects your nervous system.

SPEAKER_02 33:09

Kind of to protect itself because like I'm gonna override if we don't shut you down right now. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 33:14

Yeah. And so I kept uh modulating my uh, you know, my weights, what I was doing, you know, all these things to where it would be like less, whatever. And yeah, the the time it would take, uh like I was having to do less and less intensity and less and less time before I'd hit this red line. And I would, I mean, like it would be bad. Like I couldn't breathe and I would feel like paralyzed.

SPEAKER_02 33:40

Did you ever like black out and no? No.

SPEAKER_01 33:44

No, it never went to the point of blacking out. I kind of wish it would have because experiencing it consciously was absolutely horrifically.

SPEAKER_02 33:51

I feel like this is what's gonna take me out right now.

SPEAKER_01 33:53

Yes. Yeah. So as you can imagine, this this went on for two years. I was going to the doctor, trying getting tested. Uh they, you know, yes, I deal with anxiety.

SPEAKER_02 34:06

But you had bed, and you're like, I know my anxiety. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:10

And um but I kept getting they were like, well, this is panic. This is da da da da. I went through a litany of so many different um medications that only actually made my symptoms worse. It was horrible. Um, I always joke um now about so irreverently, but it's my story, so I can. Uh how they, you know, they kept saying it was all in your head, and it was just not in the way they were thinking, you know?

SPEAKER_02 34:40

And you're like, yes, it is.

SPEAKER_01 34:42

I mean, I didn't actually I didn't want to believe that it was, and I don't think that I was I don't think that I was there yet with thinking that it was actually I had that fear of having brain tumor. I literally was not connecting that that was I'm gonna tell you the diagnosis the diagnosis. They found uh it was a brain tumor they found in 2016, and uh it was it was it my were my worst nightmare came true because it was one of two things, and they were 99% sure it was this form of cancer that starts in your spine by the time it mass metastasizes to your brain, it's rapidly it's a bad, bad scenario, right? Um and so my doctor told me go home, spend the day with your family, pack bag, you're gonna have to, we're gonna admit you to the hospital tomorrow, and there's no time, like you'll probably be in brain surgery within you know a number of days. So um I had uh 24 hours to process that? Yes. But what else did I have 24 hours to do? I called my sponsor, I said, I know I'm gonna have to be, I found out I'm gonna have to be on narcotics for this. I'd never been on narcotics, that wasn't part of my story, but still it was brain altering and I know they're addicted.

SPEAKER_02 35:59

It's something to worry about.

SPEAKER_01 36:00

Yeah, what's our plan? I prayed real hard. I cried, I started the grieving process, I bargained a whole fucking lot. Excuse my French. Um I did the things that I needed to do.

SPEAKER_02 36:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

Right.

SPEAKER_02 36:14

As opposed to prior, when we're just like, we're not gonna think about this. We don't have to think about it. We don't need to.

SPEAKER_01 36:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:20

You're literally addressing stuff head on.

SPEAKER_01 36:22

Yes. And uh and but there was this sense of ease and comfort when I finally got to the hospital because I was like, okay, I don't have to do any of that anymore. Right? Like I've done it. I've I'm like, I was ready, I was like, put me under. I was ready to get into surgery and just have because for two years, what had been happening was I was experiencing symptoms and not being believed by anyone in my life. This was to the point where like I could, I could barely drive because it would hit. When it would hit, I would get like paralyzed. I couldn't turn the steering wheel. I couldn't, so I'd have to drive on the right side of the road. I couldn't drive on the interstate anymore because it was too dangerous for me. Every day in my life thought this was like like I was being neurotic, right? That this is literally a safety issue because I would, when my blood pressure would spike, it would press the tumor down on my cranial nerves, which was preventing the synapses from being able to fire the neurons. I think I'm saying the right things correctly. Some scientists out there is like, this dude doesn't know what he's talking about. But so um it affected my breathing, my heart rate, and uh my ability to my motor function. And so, yeah, it would my quality of life was absolute shit at that point.

SPEAKER_02 37:30

So you go into surgery, what happens when you wake up?

SPEAKER_01 37:34

Okay, so that is, I mean, like we could do a whole second podcast. I know we want to get to some other stuff. So I'll try and like get say this just in a couple. Um it wasn't cancer.

SPEAKER_02 37:43

Or sober before four years. Four years.

SPEAKER_01 37:45

Four years and some change. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:46

And I know like the beginning looks very different than a few years in and it progresses and it changes, but there are certain things that we like hold on to and stick to, like, this is my truth right now. This really helps me. What are some of the things that you held on to in that recovery period and still now that have helped you maintain your sobriety?

SPEAKER_01 38:05

Asking for help. I have to keep asking for help. I have to keep even when I think I know the answer, I run it past somebody who I think knows more than me, who's been down the path. I love asking for help now.

SPEAKER_03 38:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

Um, and being like I want, I've always been a curious person, but I want to be the curious person now that's like, but have I asked all the questions about this?

SPEAKER_02 38:32

And you're worth asking questions to make yourself better. I think that's another thing. Or it's like, we can like I definitely don't ask sometimes because I'm like, I'm when I think back on I'm like, I just didn't think I was worthy of having that answer, having that information, doing better by myself. And at some point you like you feel differently and you become curious. No, I want to know because it's gonna be better for me, because I deserve to be better for me.

SPEAKER_01 38:59

Yeah. I mean, like it's all about I'm like, lean in. Like we uh we all lean out too far. It's a it's a reaction of we go off on a whole tangent about that. And um, the goodness comes from leaning in and leaning into the situation, leaning into connection, leaning into communication. Who are you? Yes, you know. Um, and we think about like what you were asking me, what keeps me going today, what keeps me sober on the path, staying wanting to stay healthy, leaning in instead of out. And I realize that everybody has a different attachment style. Some people are more avoid avoidant, whatever. I'm sorry, but I don't care who you are. I'm a full-fledged believer in leaning in is always better than, you know, don't say in a situation that's unsafe for you. Yeah. The the go-to of pulling away in isolation is always gonna result in the lesser.

SPEAKER_02 39:50

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 39:51

The lesser result, the lesser fruit, the lesser, you know. Of everything. I want the most. I want the floor. I wanna yeah, if I'm gonna do the work, I want I want to get paid. Yes. Yes. I want the I want all the joy. I don't just wanna be like not sad.

SPEAKER_02 40:08

Right. I love that. I want joy. I don't want to be just not sad. Oh, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 40:13

I don't wanna have I don't wanna just have the absence of panic attack.

SPEAKER_02 40:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:20

I want to know what it's like to be able to sit here and have enough peace that I'm not worried and distracted by worry.

SPEAKER_02 40:31

Yeah. What about your socials? Where can people follow you?

SPEAKER_01 40:33

Oh, my socials are at the Patrick Custer. My show is at the Patrick Custer show.

SPEAKER_02 40:39

So please do listen to that podcast because you you have amazing guests and the stories being told there are great. And I do agree, like people will listen because it's somebody that they've seen out there and experienced or they've somehow heard their story, and it does provide a lot of hope to see where people are at now and that it's possible for anybody. So thank you for sharing your story and spreading that hope that you can do it, you have it in you, ask questions, reach out for help because there's people out there that want to help you. Um, I'm just really grateful for you coming here and sharing your story. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 41:14

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 41:15

And thank you all for listening. We'll see you next time on Recovery Cast.