Reno | From Rave Influencer to Sober Movement Advocate: Overcoming Trauma & Bipolar

From rave influencer to sober advocate, Reno (@CherryEmojiGirl) gets radically honest about the "cringe" and beauty of recovery. Reno shares her intense journey through polysubstance addiction, including alcohol, cocaine, ketamine, and whippets, while navigating the highs of Southern California's rave scene. She opens up about the deep-seated trauma of being adopted out at birth after her biological mother was convicted of child abuse related to Munchausen by proxy. Reno also discusses the complexities of mental health, from her initial BPD misdiagnosis to managing bipolar disorder with mood stabilizers. 

Find mental health and addiction treatment near you: https://recovery.com/

This episode explores the reality of "functional" addiction where life looks great on the outside while rotting on the inside. Reno breaks down how she transitioned from "balls to the wall" drug use to finding a community of sober ravers who prioritize wellness over the "pretty privilege" of free substances. Learn why she believes being "cringe" is the most authentic thing you can do and how digging deep into self-accountability finally allowed her to put down the drugs for good. Whether you are sober-curious or in long-term recovery, Reno’s story is a testament that it does get better—even if it gets harder first. 

Subscribe and comment to join our community of radical honesty.

⏱️ Chapters:

• 00:00 – The Swag of Being Cringe  
• 04:41 – Introducing Reno (@CherryEmojiGirl)  
• 08:19 – Adoption Trauma & Munchausen by Proxy  
• 11:13 – Choosing No Contact for Healing  
• 17:11 – Rave Culture & The "Influencer" Struggle  
• 20:13 – Early Drug Use & "Robo-Tripping"
• 25:59 – Bipolar Disorder vs. BPD Misdiagnosis  
• 31:10 – The Turning Point: Quitting in the Backyard  
• 40:05 – How to Rave Sober (and Still Have Fun)  
• 46:26 – Authenticity & Helping Others Online  

❓ Questions the Video Answers:

1. Can I stay sober and still go to raves?  
2. What is the difference between Bipolar and BPD?  
3. How does adoption trauma affect addiction in later life?  
4. What are the signs of Munchausen by Proxy?  
5. Why is radical honesty important in recovery?  
6. How do I go "no contact" with a parent for my mental health?  
7. Is ketamine addiction common in the EDM scene?  
8. Can SSRIs cause mania in people with bipolar disorder?  
9. What does a "functional" rock bottom actually look like?  
10. How to handle emotional reactivity in early sobriety?  
11. What is "cocaethylene" and why is it dangerous?  
12. How do I stop people-pleasing while sober?  
13. Is it possible to get sober without traditional rehab?  
14. How to protect your mental health on social media?  
15. Why does being "cringe" help with authentic recovery?  

#SoberRaving #BipolarRecovery #AddictionRecovery

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Honestly, bring a little cringe back.

SPEAKER_03 0:02

To be cringe is to be free. And I think that being cringe is the most swag thing that you could do. We've put so many weird boxes around human performance for an arbitrary reason that's just like nothing. Who made that up?

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Some dude.

SPEAKER_03 0:16

And some dude. Jail. Jail burning.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

Hey everyone, and thank you for joining us on another episode of Recovery Cast. I'm Brittany Bainard, and with me today is not a guest, but this is Sam. Sam, intro yourself.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Hi, I am Sam Roberts. I produce Recovery Cast and am a part of a team of people that makes every single episode, including my production assistant and editor, Max Olmsted. From afar, we have the very amazing Riley Whalen, who does all of our socials uh and booking and all that. And we're trying out something for the next month-ish where me and Britney will gab for a little bit at the start, give you a preview of what's to come for this episode, and do some housekeeping and talk more to the audience.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

And we want to hear from you. We want to know the things that you want to hear about, the questions that you want us to talk about with our guests. So we're excited to kind of add this part to each of our episodes.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Okay, before we get into some housekeeping, who who do we have on the podcast today?

SPEAKER_02 1:29

Yeah. So today we've got Reno, absolutely amazing person. This episode's incredible. Lots of lore. Lots of lore. Lots of lore that we covered. So much so that like I thought I knew, but like I did not. And I found out real quick.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Yeah. It's amazing. And I think that you'll find if you followed Reno for a long time, you'll be like, this is amazing. I get her whole recovery story in one space. Obviously not exhaustive, but like hopefully a really good 30,000-foot view of it. And if you don't know Reno, I hope that if you take anything away, you're like, oh, she's a person. And if you are sober curious or early in recovery or just know somebody who is, I hope that for Reno today and for any of her guests, you're like, oh, that's not like a superhuman. That's like a person like me. And like I could have, you know, a story like hers too.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

So yeah. And along with that, like if you have questions for any of our guests that you want to hear topics you'd like us to cover, specific, broad, anything, leave a comment. We love to read the comments and just hear what people are saying, what they're thinking, what they want to learn more about. If you're sober curious, especially, uh, leave us those questions in the reviews. Uh so that's really important as we keep on going to make sure that you guys are hearing what you want to hear.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Okay, Brittany, can I uh do a little bit of housekeeping? And uh I have two things to do. First, I like to read a review. People, if you want to know how you can support Recovery Cast, all the usual, you know, cringe things, like, comment, subscribe, hit that bell or whatever. Um, and if you're an audio listener, uh leaving a five star on Apple Podcast um helps a ton for other people to discover it. So I'm gonna start reading reviews here, live recorded ahead of time on the air. Oh my gosh. This uh uh review comes from a user named F for Phantom. Gave five stars. The uh the subject line is real. Brittany's ability to set her guests at ease allows you to learn so much about the guests and their journeys. I love it. My favorite episode so far was the Canadian comedian talking about his experience at rehab. I I don't have favorites, they're like my children, but Andrew Barr is one of my favorites as well.

SPEAKER_02 3:39

He's incredible. And I remember like that story the first day he went to rehab had me on the floor. I was cracking up. If you have not heard that episode, go back. That was like one of our first ones, like way back in the day. Yeah. Um, hilarious, absolutely hilarious. And that means a lot that that person wrote that because yeah, I think one of the biggest things that I enjoy about sitting in this chair is getting to speak to someone who's so willing and open to tell their life story. Um, it was just a treat. He did it so funny. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

If hypothetically, maybe we had Andrew in the future back on the podcast, leave a comment or write into recoverycast at recovery.com. What should we ask Andrew as a follow-up if maybe we have him hypothetically back on the podcast? Possibly.

SPEAKER_02 4:26

If that was a thing.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Yeah. Okay. I think that we've talked long enough. Do you have anything else to add, Brittany, or should we get into it? Let's flip and get into it.

SPEAKER_02 4:33

Let's flip and get into it. Hi everyone, and welcome to today's episode of Recovery Cast. I'm Brittany Baeinard, and today we are joined by Reno, the creative force behind at Cherry Emoji Girl, who has transitioned from the heights of rave culture to becoming a vital voice in the modern sobriety movement. After a decade of navigating addiction that began in her early teens, she hit a spiritual turning point in 2024 and has since rebuilt her life through radical honesty and a commitment to mental wellness. Reno, thank you so much for coming. It's awesome to have you here. Thank you for having me here. And in the chili chili cold, too. I'm glad we could drag you here.

SPEAKER_03 5:17

Very different from Southern California. Yeah. But gotta mix it up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

Is that where you're from?

SPEAKER_03 5:22

Yeah, born and raised. A lot of people think I'm from Utah.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

Why?

SPEAKER_03 5:26

I moved there in high school. Okay. I went to rehab for the first time in Utah, moved back to California. Yeah. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me clear my name. California. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 5:37

Not Utah. Yes. No. Okay. Yeah. California girl. That's awesome. So I'm interested in learning about like little you. So paint me a picture of like eight-year-old you.

SPEAKER_03 5:48

I have always been a very quote unquote strong personality. I've always been very loud, very opinionated, the type of person who talks at a mile a minute. Like as a child, I got a lot of like, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. I'm like, I have things to say. And I still do a lot of them. I was also described as a child where if you give her an inch, she will take a mile. And I didn't really know what that meant until much later. Now I'm like, oh. Correct.

SPEAKER_02 6:23

But that's awesome. I love a strong-willed kid, especially a young girl. Yeah. How did that like manifest in your childhood? Like, were you outgoing, good in school, lots of friends?

SPEAKER_03 6:33

Yeah, I was super good in school. I was in like the gifted program. I did. I was in robotics club in the sixth grade. Yeah. I was a big nerd. Um, and then in middle school is kind of when I got started within the realm of audio video stuff. I was on my school's, I don't even know what you call it. We made like a TV show every week. Like the A V team. Basically. Um, and I'd be in student council in high school. I was in student council. I was like the drama club president, I was the varsity improv team captain. I went to performing arts high school. So I've always been very creative, creative in those spaces, dedicated to what I do. I love doing a billion things at once to preoccupy my mind. Yeah. You got a busy brain. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:18

Yeah. That's so cool. And then when did like music and rave culture kind of like catch your attention?

SPEAKER_03 7:24

It had always been something that I was interested in. Music is like my number one. I have loved it since the beginning of time because it gave me an escape very young as a child. My music taste evolved. And then when I was in high school, I had some friends. I've always flocked towards people who are older than me, which has not always done me well. But I had a lot of friends who were over 18 and were going to raves. And I was like, that's so cool. Yeah. Less because of the music, but more the levels of self-expression. It just looked really fun. And then I got my first taste of it right before COVID happened. I went to one show. I was like, that was incredible.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

I want to do this every day.

SPEAKER_03 8:05

Yes. And then a month later.

SPEAKER_02 8:06

You're like, shut it down.

SPEAKER_03 8:07

Yep, shut it all down. So it kind of thwarted me for a second there. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

So you had mentioned like it has always been something that like provided you an escape even as like a young kid. What were things that you were like trying to escape?

SPEAKER_03 8:20

I have a lot of lore there. Like a Dr. Phil episode about my birth mother. So I'm adopted. So kind of from the jump, had a lot of adopted out at birth. Adopted out at birth because my birth mother, she's in prison right now for child abuse and neglect. She has Munchausen by proxy. So she would make my older sibling sick on purpose. She did a lot of vile things to them. And she ended up getting caught because she was giving my older sister, who at the time was an infant, diabetic medicine and it put her into a diabetic coma at like one year old. And I think she was pregnant with me at the time. They caught her on the CCTV, putting it in her IV in the hospital. And so CPS stepped in, took us away. So as soon as I was born, I got taken away. Like she was not even allowed to hold me. Um they just snatched. And then she actually fled the state, did it again in a different state, got caught, fled again. And so through her, I have 11 siblings. And she finally got caught in Florida and put on trial and uh convicted, I believe, in 2020. So she's in prison.

SPEAKER_02 9:37

Wow. Yeah. Do you did you grow up knowing your siblings or being around them at all?

SPEAKER_03 9:42

I was able to meet my older siblings because that's all I knew. I had no idea that I had any younger siblings until I found my older sister in 2021 and she let me know. No girl. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

Cause yeah, I'd imagine growing up, you're like, that happened, and that was it for her. Right.

SPEAKER_03 10:01

And even then, um, my parents never hid from me that I was adopted, but they obviously omitted a lot of that. Yeah. And I had met my older brothers a couple times, and then it got to a point where what they had gone through manifested in ways where they were no longer safe for me to be around. Um, and so I stopped seeing them pretty young. That's so hard.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

How old are you at this time? When you had to stop seeing your brothers. I don't even remember.

SPEAKER_03 10:30

I had to have been like seven or less, I'm sure.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

That's two interesting worlds because like you have your parents, the people who adopted you, I'm assuming like creating a really great, safe environment for you to like thrive. No. More lore. More lore. So girl, go on.

SPEAKER_03 10:51

I love my dad. Bless his heart. I've not spoken to my mom in over four years. Okay. I'm no contact with her. Um, that's something that I've talked a little about on social media. When it was fresh, I actually talked about it a lot. Recently, it's become a thing where I have recognized that I exploit my own trauma sometimes for engagement. And I I realized it was one of those things where talking about it more is just keeping me stuck and is just it's the loop.

SPEAKER_02 11:20

Yeah, and it's not closing the loop for you. Like, I'm just like marinating on these things that still bother me. And if I'm going no contact, I also need to like move forward with it so it's not hanging on me.

SPEAKER_03 11:29

But that was kind of an issue growing up. My parents got divorced when I was in like the third grade. I really wasn't sad over it, but my mom put me in therapy because she thought I was lying about not being sad. And I was like, no, I for real don't care. Like, cause my parents were never in love. I couldn't even tell you that I've seen them kiss or anything. So I was like, what? Like you guys have two houses now. Right. No, I said, like, okay, do I get two Christmases? Yes. Hell yeah. Okay, then do it. Um, but because of that, like I've been in therapy for over two-thirds of my life. I've had therapists tell me that half the reason I need therapy is because I was in therapy so young. And I'm like, yeah, can I catch a break? But a lot of my childhood was just spent arguing with my mom. I'm not opposed to talking about it. I just at this point I've come so far that I've come back around and I feel bad for her. Yeah. Because I can recognize that she's just really sick. When I went no contact with her, I was like, I'm just gonna do this for a year so that I can heal and hopefully learn to deal with your shit. Because it hit a point where I was like, you're not gonna be the one to heal. Yeah. Super emotionally unstable and will go to therapy, but will not be honest enough with the therapist because she lacks this a critical level of self-awareness to take accountability for what she does. And when I was in therapy at that really young age, the therapist, I went to see my mom's therapist and she would teach me how to de-escalate arguments with my mom. Why did that fall on me at like nine years old? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 13:02

But that's that's tough too, because I feel like you carry around trying to fix people and like react to their emotions like the rest of your life. Like you can walk in a room and pick up if someone's in a bad mood and like you adjust to it and it steals your energy.

SPEAKER_03 13:16

It's painful. Yeah. Because I also do it to an extent where sometimes I'm picking up on things that kind of aren't even there. And then it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy where I'm emotionally monitoring so hard that I piss people off or I like make them uncomfortable. And I realize it's the sort of control thing too, where I am so anxious that I start trying to dictate what people do, especially in public, where I'm just like, no, that person over there is like super uncomfortable. You're being really loud right now. Like, or like I went to the gym with my friend and I was like, you're standing in front of the machine, like you're people are looking at us. Like stop.

SPEAKER_02 13:53

You're not following these random rules I've created in my head that like I'm pretty sure make other people comfortable in their if about me in their life, when really it's like no one's fucking looking at you.

SPEAKER_03 14:03

Right. Yeah, the people pleasing, like no one's pleased. No, I'm not pleased. You don't even know I'm here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that was just hard because growing up was a lot of that. Yeah. Like a lot of walking on eggshells. It created a lot of emotional issues within myself, which ultimately like really led me into doing drugs. And it was that similar sort of escape feeling where I just got so sick of it. The first time I got kicked out, I was like 12, I think.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_03 14:30

I had to pack up everything I own and call my dad to be like, okay, I'm like on the street outside of my house. Can you come get me? And that happened again when I turned 18. So yeah, it's just there's a lot of underlying issues from the adoption thing, like attachment issues and abandonment issues that were kind of unfortunately exacerbated by the relationship I had with my mom. And so I didn't expect this no contact to last this long. But within the four years, I mean, I've gotten sober. And so the real healing didn't start until I got sober.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:05

And I haven't even been sober for two years. Like it's been a year and nine months. So I'm like, we still have a lot of work to do. And I'm sure at this point I could have a relationship with her again and have boundaries and be fine. But I'm like, it feels so good. Yeah. To not be stressed out. And you should choose that. I mean, you choose you. And I also understand that I am not the person that she expected me to be, even just on the level of like, I get tattoos. And when I first started getting a tattoo, she was like, I don't like that. And it's like, well, you would hate to see me now because I blacked out my entire arm. So I just I don't care enough to open the door again. I'm I have so many other things to focus on. I have so many other great things in my life that I don't currently feel the need to revisit that.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

Yeah. I think that you explaining that really helps kind of give context to like music, festivals, rave culture. It is kind of like this like family thing.

SPEAKER_03 16:06

This like also so many people within the rave scene that are neurodivergent, that struggle with mental health, have family issues. Cause so many ravers are like, my parents are not really a fan of the fact that I'm cheeks out right now. Yeah. So it's cool because we get to bond over it. Yeah. But then there's the other side of it where you'll be raving and then you're next to someone and they're like, yeah, I have a PhD. I'm a brain surgeon. And you're like, what? That's amazing. Yeah. Everyone's got hobbies. It's this really like vast community where you're bound to find some sort of corner or niche where you're seen. And oddly enough, now for me, they're sober ravers. And it's like, it's so strange. There's certain festivals that will have like a tent that is dedicated to some sort of sober sobriety, wellness, just like not having to feel like you're not the only one here. Yeah. I've gone to like meetings during festivals where it's just like a circle of people, and we go around the circle and we talk about like, hey, we're here. This is the experience we're having. And I've met so many people, like in a literal rave, that are like, I have 10 years of sobriety and I'm here with my friends and I'm having a great time. I've also had experiences where I've gotten to meet people who are like, I have less than 60 days of sobriety and I'm here and I'm freaking out. And I get to be like, I was the one. Yeah, it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

I love that there is that community within that community. That's awesome.

SPEAKER_03 17:47

It's not what you would expect. Especially a lot of people, there's a stigma around it. Yeah. And to be fair, it's there for a reason. Yeah. And that's partially what really accelerated my drug use towards the end there was I became this rave influencer who was getting sent to festivals for free, essentially. And the pretty privilege, you know, it's great, but it got me into a lot of trouble. Because I was like, every man around me will give me drugs for free if I bat my eyelashes and I say, please. Yeah. Sometimes you don't even have to do that. No, you could say, ew, get away. And they'll can I buy you a drink? Uh-huh. Right. Yeah. And so I went balls to the wall real quick in a short amount of time, which I'm grateful for because it really just propelled me into sobriety to where I hit a point pretty fast where I was like, oh, this is not sustainable and I'm tired.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

Um isn't that wild when you feel tired and burnt out at like 21?

SPEAKER_03 18:43

Yeah. Yeah. Especially too when my life on the outside looks great. I'm like, I went, I just went to EDC and I was on the VIP Sky Deck and like all this crazy stuff. And meanwhile, I'm like, oh my God, I'm I feel like water. Literally, I would go home and just like rot for a week straight in my messy room. There'd be like seven like DoorDash bags from like, cause I couldn't leave my house because I'd be so depressed. And it's like, that's not healthy or sustainable. So coming from that extreme to the opposite, where now I'll go to two festivals a year, max. I don't have the energy for that. I don't. I'm sober and my feet hurt. Like, and I would like to go home before the festival ends so I can beat the traffic and go to sleep.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

9 p.m. Oh my gosh, yes. Uh we need more day concerts. I need this. If like hit me with an 11 to like six, I'm there.

SPEAKER_03 19:38

I don't think I could ever do some of the festivals I went to before where they're fully in the nighttime. Like they start at 9 p.m. and go till 5 a.m. three days in a row. I have a hard time thinking that that's something I could do sobriety, like sober. If someone can do that sober, right? I love it. I don't have it in me. I don't. Yeah. And that's why I'm like, I'll go like twice a year and just be way more selective of the experiences that I choose to have. I went to one last year. It's called Shambhala in Canada, and it's quite a trek to get there. Uh and so that was, I think I went to two or three festivals last year. Incredible experience. It's a dry festival, so they don't serve alcohol. So it was so lit. I loved it. It was the best time of my life. And I was like, I feel satisfied now for however long. And I still don't really feel the need. I'm like, cool, that is gonna hold me over.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

And I didn't do anything that's gonna make me feel like shit for the next days. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:35

And I don't regret any of the experience I had there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:38

What was the progression for you? Like when did you start dabbling with substances? Like how old were you?

SPEAKER_03 20:44

I was 14. Okay. And I went zero to 100. Uh, I started off drinking, smoking weed. And I lived in this small town in Utah. And me and my other 14, 15-year-old friends did not know how to buy drugs, where to buy drugs. So we would steal bottles of Robotussin from the store and just like chug them. Just robotripping. Robotripping during school, we'd like go out to the parking lot, chug Robotussin, go back to class. Utah, like your parents didn't have alcohol. You didn't my parents don't drink. Okay. Because my family's super religious. So my dad does not drink at all. And then I moved to Utah with my mom and my stepdad. My mom is like allergic to alcohol in the sense that not in the funny sobriety sense, in the sense where she breaks out in hives. Legit. Yeah. So she doesn't drink. And she would always say, too, that she doesn't like the idea of not having control over herself and what she does. And I was like, that's the whole point. I love it. Yeah. And my stepdad, uh, and it's actually so weird. He had his own moments of substance use as a teenager, but he's not an addict. He just was able to stop and turn it off and become an adult and be normal and have like. A beer with dinner, which is crazy to me. I cannot fathom that. What do you mean you only want a beer for the taste? I feel like I was way too young to be as depressed as I was. And it was- You just experienced a lot of stuff at a young age, though. Yeah. And I felt really alone in that. I didn't have any siblings. Like I wasn't adopted into a family with siblings. I was an only child. I always felt really uncomfortable around other kids my age. I had a hard time socializing. Um, and I always kind of felt like the outsider there because I was always friends with girls who I'm from Orange County. Like they lived in mansions and were like super pretty. And like my life really wasn't hard in that aspect. I had a roof over my head, but my my perception was very skewed of what was normal. My friends just like one of my friends casually had a Hummer limo. I always felt like such an outcast and I was super alone. And it got worse in middle school because I'm middle school's not good for anyone. You could pay me to go back. To be fair, like I was horrible, zero out of 10 would not recommend. But that's when the depression got really bad. And I actually have this specific memory where, you know, the isolating in my bedroom and sleeping all day really became my life for a second there. And one time my dad came to pick me up for the weekend. Uh, and I heard my mom downstairs saying, I think she's depressed. And that was the first time in my head where I kind of it clicked and I realized, oh, this isn't normal. Yeah. And so the mental health really just got bad, straight off rip. And so, yeah, at 14, it was my freshman year of high school. I discovered drugs and alcohol, and it was, oh my gosh, my brain shuts up. And when I drank, I can socialize. I do feel like I fit in. And especially doing drugs, I was like, I'm not alone anymore. And I'm not an outcast because I have a group of friends that all does drugs. Yeah. I've always been someone who's struggled with like eye contact. And I just look past or like at people's chests or like at their nose or something. I plan what I'm gonna say. And then if we go off script, I panic and I'm like, oh no. I already rehearsed this 50 times. I didn't account for that part. Or like I'll play it back to you and I'll be like, oh, that was so awkward. Why did I say that? And I still do that, to be fair. I told you I lotioned up. I said, hi, I just put lotion on. Like lotioned up in the studio. Right. But yeah, I just come, you know. And it's like, I'll never think about that again. But you might be like, till I die. Right. And that's how I am. Right. And just drinking was the one thing where I was like, I don't have to do that anymore to a fault. Because now I'm not thinking at all. And I'm just and I'm saying still regrettable stuff, but I'm like, I don't remember. Yeah. So whatever. Yeah. A lot of people who aren't familiar with addiction will kind of be like, oh, do you hate it? Or like, has it always been bad? Like, no, I loved it and it was super fun for years. I would not have done it if I picked it up and was like, oh, this is a horrible experience. This makes me feel bad. I wouldn't have been like, let me do it again. Um, it like felt great the first couple times. And then the insanity of addiction is that it started feeling bad. And I was like, no, no. No, this is good. No, like I can go. Let me just try that one more time. Actually, let's let's run it back to the first time. This used to be fun. And then it snowballs into this, like, yeah, this is so miserable. I I would do the same thing. I'd come back from a weekend of either, you know, drinking at the bars or like house parties or raves and festivals, and I'd be like, my bank account is in the negative. One of my friends refuses to talk to me right now. Lord knows what I just posted on my social media. I would like vlog on ketamine. I remember one time it like posted, but it got shadow banned. And I was like, maybe that's God. Thank you. Yeah, protecting me. Cause I was like strung out. I'd be like, I'm the hottest person on planet earth. And I'd be posting like eyes wide open, like, ooh, like I'm serving. And then I'd watch it back and be like, no, you're tweaking. Like, that's scary.

SPEAKER_02 25:53

It is. Um, so like at what point, what is like the thing that happens if you were like, I just don't want to do this anymore?

SPEAKER_03 26:00

The first time around when I went to rehab, um Utah. In Utah, yeah, I had been in a pretty toxic relationship for over a year. It was super codependent. We lived together, we worked together, and we drank and did drugs together. Um, and he broke up with me and it like shattered my heart and my view of the world. And I just knew where I was at mentally with that because I was so codependent. It literally felt like I was addicted to drugs and you took the drugs away, and now I'm going through withdrawal. So I was like, I need to go into treatment because I'll probably kill myself. And it wasn't on some manipulative, like, oh, if you leave, I'll kill myself. It was just a straight like being real with myself. I was like, I know I had gotten so depressed. That relationship wore me down so hard that I was like, I know what's gonna happen if I'm left alone in a house for two days. Like, so I went into treatment, and unfortunately, I thought that just getting sober would magically fix all my problems. And so when I got out of treatment and he was like, No, we're not getting back together, I was like, Oh, this is bullshit. Give me the bottle. And so, and then for a couple years, I did the thing where I was like, I'm gonna drink but not do drugs. Okay, I'm gonna do drugs, but I'm not gonna drink. I'm only gonna do it. Negotiating. Yes, all this crazy, just this slippery slope of rationalizing my behavior until this time around. I hadn't drank for over a year. It was like 13 months, but within that, started off smoking weed. And then by the end, I was doing drugs I hadn't even done before because now I'm raving. So I'm like, yo, ketamine is cool to C B. Like I'm doing research chemicals. I didn't do this when I was in high school, and I was like, and they're fun too. And then I got really into like doing whippets, which there were certain things where I was doing them alone in my bedroom. I'd go through bags of Coke, I'd go through bags of ketamine, I'd go to a smoke shop, I'd buy a box of like the Whippet chargers, and I'd just crack all of them, just back to back to back, alone in my room. And that's kind of when I was like, oh, this is not really all that glamorous. Cause I'm going out with my friends and we're drinking and we're having fun. And then I'm coming home and I'm drinking more alone in my room, or I'm, you know, using whatever alone in my room. And then the faded day came where I picked Coke back up because it was, I hadn't used Coke since I went to rehab. And that was something that I was like holding on to. I was like, oh, I haven't done Coke in like a couple years. Yeah. And then, you know, I had been like over a year free of alcohol, and I was really holding on to those things, even though I was doing every other drug on planet earth except like heroin. I was out with friends one night and I did coke. And I somehow, it's crazy how that insanity just like creeps up on you. And I was like, no, this is a great idea. This is fabulous. As long as I don't drink. What I know now is that when you like do coke and you drink alcohol, it creates cocaethylene in your brain. And so it's like you can't really ever do those things separate again without oh, interesting. Without like feeling yeah, like proper him. Within like a week, I think I was drinking again. And I drank for three months and then got completely sober because alcohol just again accelerated it. I think sometimes I can hold myself on drugs. I cannot hold my liquor. My life goes to shit because it's also the most accessible. So again, like I'm going out to the bars five days a week, and all my friends are degenerates. So like everyone's in support of that. My friends are the bartenders. Like, so I'm going to visit my friends at work. I'm just like getting plastered on a Tuesday. And then I stop at a gas station on my way home and I get like three tall boys, and then I go home and I drink them alone in my room. And I remember I had this friend hit me up and say, Hey, I know you said you would be chill with the drinking. Cause when I started drinking again, you know, it for over a year, it was this thing that I was like, I don't drink. So when I did drink, of course, I felt the need to tell everyone and like justify it. Don't worry, guys. Like, I'm only gonna have a beer every now and then. She was like, Hey, I know you said that. You drink every day. And I was like, No, uh, you're wrong. Yeah, but in the back of my head, I was like, oh, this bitch, like, uh, she's right. And so yeah, I I tapped out so fast because it just drained me. And I actually was like, I didn't go to rehab this time around. I was sitting in my backyard smoking a joint, and I was like, pause, dude. This cannot be it. This cannot be all that I do with my life. And I really did think back to that younger version of myself who was so driven and so talented and so smart. And I was like, this is not the life that I envisioned for myself. And this is sad. This is degrading and demoralizing. Like, I am capable of so much, I have so much potential, and I'm squandering it. So in that moment, I like put out the joint and I was like, all right, I'm sober now, and I've been sober ever since.

SPEAKER_02 31:03

Is that how you're able to do it? Just like that specific time. You were just like, I'm not doing this. You didn't go into treatment that time.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

I didn't go into treatment. Um, I had a friend reach out to me, and she had she has like six years sober now. So she had, you know, five at the time, and she just pretty quickly took me under her wing. Um, and I found my community within recovery pretty fast, and I just dove in headfirst, and it made it really easy. Um, but I think I really was just so done.

SPEAKER_02 31:40

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SPEAKER_03 32:05

So it was pretty easy to quit because I was exhausted.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

Yeah, you're like, I literally don't want to do this thing.

SPEAKER_03 32:12

Right? I was like too tired to pick up again. And I really wasn't the first time around. And I knew that. When I went to rehab, like I've only gone once. I knew I wasn't gonna quit. I was just hoping that it would somehow fix my life.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

Yeah, this is what I'm supposed to do right now because the bad thing that happened.

SPEAKER_03 32:29

But once I fix me when And I really wasn't willing to do any work on myself. I was like, I'm just gonna like stop doing Coke, right? And then everyone's gonna give me a cookie and a pat on the back. And I love those. Right. And that was not the case. So this time around, I was like, okay, it's way less about putting down the drugs and way more about like doing work on myself because clearly there is like a void within myself that you know.

SPEAKER_02 32:53

Yeah, and if you don't like you can stop doing the substance, but if you're not like working on yourself and acknowledging the things that are happening or why you did it, you'll transfer that addiction somewhere else. Yeah. Like I people would have called me diabolical because mine was with people. Like, you want me to stop like going out, that's fine, but I will then manipulate and be horrible to other people.

SPEAKER_03 33:13

Oh gosh. Yeah, for me, I think a lot of the b bad behaviors that showed up at first were like I maybe wasn't being the most financially wise, you know, buying things, trying to make myself feel better.

SPEAKER_02 33:26

Shopping will be that dopamine hit sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 33:28

Yeah, I the people pleasing. Yeah. Just trying to make all these friends or hang out with all these guys, and just like any guy that gave me attention, latching onto them because it just felt good and it got me outside of myself. Um, even around like six months sober, I picked cigarettes back up. I hadn't vaped or smoked in almost two years, I think. And I was like, just give me something. Yeah. And that didn't last long either. Because again, it just hit a point where I was like, no, I don't want to do this. I don't want to have anything that I feel chained to. Yeah. I just want to be in control of how I move through my life and be proud of the choices I make.

SPEAKER_02 34:09

I don't want to feel like I'm there's this thing that's always like got my brain that always carries 50% of my thought process in when I get to experience that thing again.

SPEAKER_03 34:18

So at this point, I'm, I think, a little over nine months, uh no nicotine. I quit, I think a little before I hit a year sober, because it was just the same thing where I was like, all right, I'm tired of this now. I'd like to be done. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 34:34

Like the things having control over you. What was that like first month like?

SPEAKER_03 34:38

I was for sure very sensitive, very emotionally volatile. I remember one time I went somewhere and I spoke out of turn, and I was like, it's the end of the world now. Everyone hated me there, and I like was driving home, like speeding, sobbing. And so it was just stuff like that. Oh my gosh. Another time, I think I was like cooking eggs or something, and I got like super upset. And so I just like hit the eggs with a spatula and then they splattered everywhere, and I was like, uh, burn. Why am I like doing this? Like, why it's that impulsive. You're just like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Super emotionally reactive, where I just like get angry and I'm like, You should get a punching bag. Well, no, because now I'm on mood stabilizers.

SPEAKER_02 35:24

Oh, luckily or lucky. I was gonna say lovely and lucky at the same time, and I did, and it came out like that.

SPEAKER_03 35:30

How are you feeling on those? Amazing. Yeah. Uh I for the longest time when I was in treatment, they were like, hmm, something emotionally is like weird there. Maybe it's borderline personality, maybe it's bipolar. And they went with borderline at first, which is crazy because I was 20, which is like too young to diagnose that. And I got out of treatment and I started seeing a therapist. And I saw her for like two years and she removed that diagnosis. She was like, you do not have that. And I think it's really negligent of people to throw that onto someone who's been in treatment for like two weeks. And with her, is when we kind of started suspecting that I might be bipolar because I was originally on SSRIs, like antidepressants. And I've always noticed I tend to cycle through the same depression, not depression, uh, every year around the same time. Yeah. And then at that point, and it was right before I moved back to California, I was like manic, manic for the first time ever. Just flying across the country for a man that I met on the internet, you know, full sending, like three days, no sleep, full sending Coachella with these people that I met on like Reddit or something. Just wild stuff. And right before I moved, she was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I didn't notice this. You should probably stop taking your SSRIs. Like they're making you manic, I think. You need to go find someone that like deals with bipolar. But I wasn't sober, so I moved and I was like, whatever. And I like didn't go to therapy for years. I didn't go to therapy or a psychiatrist until I had a year sober. Really? Yeah. And then because I I wanted to see where my baseline was at. Okay. Because I was like, I've never known where my baseline is at. Even when I went to treatment, it was immediately like, okay, here's a billion like antipsychotics. And like I always had these like negative reactions. I'm like, I'm gonna start five businesses and I'm gonna start day trading. I'm gonna put all my money into stocks. What money? Like what? Because I spend it all on like I'll like go shopping, I'll like fly everywhere on the globe. I just get manic and I'm like, yay, nothing matters. But when I got sober, and this was really what made me realize that I actually really needed to be medicated, was my mania wasn't fun anymore. I'd get so angry. I would get so angry. And I had a road rage incident that was not chill. I hit a car with my car.

SPEAKER_02 37:54

On purpose.

SPEAKER_03 37:56

No, I am a big dodge and weaver. So if we dodge and weaving it, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:01

We're doing crime in this lane.

SPEAKER_03 38:03

I just got real aggressive with it. And I thought that I had cleared someone enough, and I didn't, and I clipped them. And luckily, and this was the most sign from God type of moment. The girl was so nice and I was sobbing and I was so apologetic. And she just like hugged me and she was like, It's okay. I drive a beater, I'm not gonna do anything about this. And I was like, Thank you. Thank you so much. And so then I went to my psychiatrist. I told him that, and he was like, mood stabilizers now. Yeah. My takeaway from that was like, that could have been so much worse. So I need to take that as a sign to start being chill now, do something about it.

SPEAKER_02 38:38

I need to calm down.

SPEAKER_03 38:39

Okay, I'll call yeah. It was like your humble moment. It really like shook me to my core for sure.

SPEAKER_02 38:44

So you were still like posting on socials in sobriety about like going to festivals, going to Raves, were you still out and about at that time while you're like actively sober in the beginning stages?

SPEAKER_03 38:57

Yeah, I went to my first festival, I think within 60 days, 30 days. It was super early because I got sober and I said, I'm doing this on the one condition that I'm not gonna let this be the end of my life. Yeah. I'm gonna find my people and I'm gonna have fun. And I don't want to live a life where I have to tiptoe around drugs and alcohol, especially because I'm really young. And with Braves, I was like, that's not gonna be possible. Yeah. And so I just got to work on like, and luckily, my friend that kind of took me under her wing uh works within like the EDM scene as well. She had the same thing where she was like, I can't not be around this stuff. It's my job. Um, and so I just surrounded myself with people who understood. Because there's some people that don't understand. Yeah. And they're like, why put yourself in that position? That's not smart, that's not good for your recovery. I'm like, it has the potential to not be good for my recovery if I, you know, I don't think people realize the resources that are out there. Um, not at every festival, to be fair. There are like a lot of, like I said, the tents where there are groups of people where you can go hang out, or I know of things online, like Facebook groups or whatever, where there's groups of sober ravers. So it's like you can find your people to, you know, if you feel like you need that, if you feel like you need a group of other sober people to keep you accountable. I've gotten myself up to a point where I'll straight go to festivals, be the only sober person in my friend group. All my friends are doing like drugs, drugs. And I'm like, hell yeah, guys. Yeah, have fun. Yeah. Because I've just learned how to recognize what I need out of things. And sometimes I'm like, okay, guys, I'm gonna go side quest because I want to be like alone. Yeah. Or I want to go do this or have this moment. I didn't know how to do that at first, though. So the first couple of festivals were rough. Uh, like I'd leave super early or like I'd go one day and I wouldn't come back the second.

SPEAKER_02 40:53

Kind of soft launch yourself back into it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:56

And I think that there were many moments where I was like, do I not like this anymore? I should just give up. Like this is clearly like not fun, sober. But I saw other people who were sober and having fun. And so it was hopefully kind of the same effect that I can have now, posting about it on social media, where I was like, either all of you guys are lying, or like I just haven't given it enough of a shot. And then I finally had like an experience where I was like, no, oh my gosh, this is still so fun. Yeah. Sober. I get it now. It's just under different parameters. I have to have like a different experience in order to have the same sort of fun. Right.

SPEAKER_02 41:28

And it might not be the best time the first time. Like it might, it's gonna feel weird. You've experienced something one way for so long. Um, and then there's a new version of yourself kind of walking into it that just loves the same things, is just trying to do it sober.

SPEAKER_03 41:41

Yeah, I think that also just being around a lot of people who are under the influence when you're sober is something that you have to learn how to get accustomed to. Feels really weird at first. Yeah. And kind of how we were talking about earlier, we always think that people are thinking about us way more than they are and we're tripping out over shit that no one else is paying attention to. And I think that being sober at whether it's like a rave or even a friend's birthday party or any sort of situation where people are drinking. I feel like we think that people care or that people notice. Oh my gosh, everyone here knows that I'm sober. They're like, no, wow, that girl's sober and she's an idiot. Like she's so lame. No one thinks that like he's looking at me like he can't look at anything. Like he thinks you're a dragon right now. Like he you don't even look human to him, probably. Like you're good. And once I really realized that and was like, oh, no one cares, especially again in the rave community, just so many people are supportive and accepting of it. Even people who aren't sober, they're like, oh, hell yeah, that works for you. Great. Yeah, that's cool. That's awesome. They think it sticks.

SPEAKER_02 42:42

So was there ever a part of you like hesitated? Like, do I wanna share about my sobriety on here, or do I want to keep just posting?

SPEAKER_03 42:49

No, you're like no, I share about things to a fault. Yeah. Where if I think too hard about my digital footprint, it keeps me up at night. Yeah. But I have to remind myself why I do what I do. And luckily, especially through festivals, I have had the pleasure of meeting so many, like hundreds of people over, you know, however many years that follow me. And I've never had a bad experience for one, which is crazy. Because you think that, but no, like every single person I've met has been super nice, super supportive. And I've had quite a bit of people share with me the different ways that my journey has affected theirs. And that's what I hold on to in the moments where I do get caught up in my head, and I'm like, oh, that was so embarrassing. Why did I post that years ago? Like I'm haunted by that. I'm just like, nope, someone out there is seeing that versus now. And they're like, wow, she's come so far. Yeah. So that's cool.

SPEAKER_02 43:49

Yeah. It might not always feel the greatest at times when you think at of a specific moment, but in the grand scheme of things, it is helpful.

SPEAKER_03 43:56

Yeah. I tend to be. Really like sappy. Well, at first. No, that's a lie. I still am. I when I first got sober, like day one, I'm like posting a video of me like dumping the bottles down the sink. And I think my caption hit like the maximum amount of characters on Instagram. And they give you a lot of characters. There's a lot of space there. Right. So like I just got a lot of feelings. My one year of sobriety, I made a post and it was the same thing where I just had this long caption. And sometimes, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:32

I just started laughing because I'm like, I love a caption, but also it's a video. So can't you just say it in the video?

SPEAKER_03 44:39

I have a lot to say. It doesn't fit in. That's for my talking time. It literally does not fit in either the whole video and the caption. I'm like, I could go check the comments. I'm like, but yeah, I don't know. Sometimes things like that, where I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve and I'm super emotional and super vulnerable, gives myself the ick. Where I'm like, wrap it up. Don't never give yourself the ick. No, but then I again I realized, like, no, that's important. We live in a day and age where so many people are just bullshitting.

SPEAKER_02 45:08

Yeah, and people lack connection. Like, honestly, bring a little cringe back.

SPEAKER_03 45:12

Like, what to be cringe is to be free. And I think that being cringe is the most swag thing that you could do.

SPEAKER_02 45:18

Oh, you told someone your feelings, how you feel so fucking cringe. No, that's like how it should be. I think people should just say their feelings, feel the things, do the things. It's not cringe to like express yourself. Be human. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:30

Yeah. We've put so many weird boxes around human performance where it's just like no, you can't do this or say this. For an arbitrary reason, that's just like nothing. Who made that up?

SPEAKER_01 45:44

Some dude.

SPEAKER_03 45:45

Right. And some dude. Jail. Jail burning. Yeah. So I even though I like cringe myself out sometimes, I have to remind myself that what I post is like an outlier. Yeah. With everything that's on the internet. And some people need to like be pushed to the extremes in order to like kind of tug that average up. So hopefully by me being just, you know, 10 miles long sappy caption, it makes other people be like, well, okay, I'll get a little sappy and cringe because it's not, it's not gonna be that long. But you know, me being cringe is like the price I pay the best thing ever for being able to help other people. Cause that's all I've ever wanted to do with my social media platform and my life, frankly. I've wanted to help people. And sometimes I really don't know how to do that. And getting sober has made that super easy now. Um, but even before, I've always been authentic on the internet and I've been posting for seven years. And I've had a platform for seven years because I did TikTok before TikTok was popular, like before the plague? Yes. And it had just transitioned from musically into TikTok, and it was still kind of like embarrassing to have a TikTok. But I am a theater kid, so I was like doing skit. You love embarrassing, telling story times. You know, within six months, I think I had like half a million followers. That's wild. Holy cow. And so I I've I've been here, like and I've been around the block a moment. Not like I've been posting to the void, hoping. No, like all seven years, yeah, there's been a lot of eyes. And I've had the opportunity to be very authentic, be very vulnerable. That's always been like a part of my brand. That's always something that like drew people to my content was they're like, damn, this bitch just be she's just saying it. She's just saying it for real. But what's cool is, and I think this is sort of why I've been able to maintain because seven years is a long time. And a lot of the people that I knew when I started aren't around anymore. They don't post or you know, they've moved on with their life, or I know people that still post. The same. The same. Yeah. And then they're like, why aren't my videos getting views? And I'm like, We grew up. You haven't changed. And that's, I think, what's helped me a lot is that I've changed a lot. And I've the one thing that stayed the same is the authenticity. Yeah. So when I was first posting, you know, I'm like 19, 20, my life's on fire. And I'm like, insane. And I'm posting authentically, and I'm screaming at the camera, and I'm talking about all these crazy stories of like, I got kicked out of this party, and then I got kicked out of my house, and then my car got stolen, and like all this crazy shit. Um, and then throughout that, like, okay, I went to rehab when I was 20, and then I hopped right back on TikTok, shaved head. Brittany Spears mode. You pulled a Britney? Yes, I pulled a Britney.

SPEAKER_01 48:34

I had my I bet you looked amazing. Thank you. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 48:37

I uh again on my super sappy shit when I like coined out of I was in a residential treatment center. They do this thing where, you know, everyone go around the room and say something. I was like, no, everyone go around the room and cut my hair off. And so I had like a bob, and then I went to PHP and I had my parents sneak in like clippers, and I I have like videos. I straight up was like shaving my head in the PHP bathroom. Cause it was like again, just uh this release impulsive release, impulsive release where I was like, I need a fresh start, I need a clean slate, and it was great. I need it, I really did need it.

SPEAKER_02 49:14

It's also a control thing. Like it's nice when you're like at any point in your life where like I can grab onto this piece of control on myself.

SPEAKER_03 49:22

Yeah. And like I said, that was I came on the internet. I was like, hey guys, I'm bald and I'm back. And I'm yeah, I'm back fresh out of rehab. And it's like I just don't lie because why? Why would I do that? What's the point?

SPEAKER_02 49:34

Yeah. Um, where am I supposed to tell you I went?

SPEAKER_03 49:37

Yeah. And just like ethically speaking, I've never understood like being an influencer, whatever you want to call it, and like lying to your followers, which has like definitely thwarted me from like brand deals or like making money, but I'm like, that's not why I do this.

SPEAKER_02 49:51

Yeah. And I wouldn't be speaking to the people you want if you think that that would be an issue for them to hear.

SPEAKER_03 49:55

Right. It's about like the connection. It's about, and I really I try to not look at my content as like I'm trying to inspire people. And even now, like I really don't make inspirational content. I am authentic though, and I try to bring like a level of humor to everything to keep it light, um, to like remind people it's not so serious, that you can't have fun, that it's possible. Like, cause I thought sobriety was a death sentence. Like, honestly, I was like, cool, my life's over and lame now, especially because I was so young. I was like, people don't do this. Yeah, you're like, am I gonna be able to have fun the rest of my life? Yeah, and so that's kind of my goal where I'm like, I just I just want people to know, like, hey, I'm here, I'm sober, and I'm having a great time. Yes. And that means you probably can too. Yes. You probably won't immediately, yeah. Unfortunately.

SPEAKER_02 50:40

Yeah. How do you we both deal with like perception and the thought of people thinking about us and like forming opinions? Social's pretty big for that. How do you like protect yourself in this line?

SPEAKER_03 50:52

Like I have had to develop crazy boundaries with myself over time. And I didn't used to have them at all. And that was the problem. No boundaries. I actually, before I went to rehab, fell off of all my socials for like nine months because that just got so bad. Yeah. Um, I would like obsessively and compulsively like go through, I'd have this like routine. It's part of the fuel. I checked this and then I checked this and then I checked this, and I have to make sure no one's mentioning me and saying this and saying that, and like over and over and over checking these things like 1200 times a day and just getting so caught up in reading all the comments, reading all the hate comments, and really like searching myself up on other platforms and reading about it. And I don't do any of that anymore. I don't don't, don't because I realize what that does to my mental health is just it's disastrous.

SPEAKER_02 51:45

Opening yourself up to the opinions of people you will never meet in your life is the worst thing.

SPEAKER_03 51:50

I don't need to know. Ignorance is bliss, it's beautiful. I love it. Right. So I have gotten to a point where uh there's pretty hard boundaries for me. I don't Google myself, I don't search myself up, I don't even have Twitter anymore. Because that was the one where I was like I was like, y'all are saying crazy shit about me. Oh, really? I blew up on like incel Twitter once, like they got a hold of one of my TikToks and I just got acclaimed, dude. And it like my faith in humanity, like to be fair, you know, those aren't really like the humans, right? But it's just things like that where I'm reading these comments and it's like me? It's a lot of projection, little old me, and right, and I realize that now. I did not understand that when I was like 19. Never talked to a girl, whatever, right? And even just like any hate comments at all, I would take so personally, and it was almost like the sick form of like self-harm. Yeah, I was like, oh, it feels so good to like read this shit and to like hurt myself because it validates all this like self-hatred and shame that lives within me. Yeah. And throughout the years and like the work I've done, I've been able to let a lot of that go and be like, I don't want to willingly hurt myself. Right? I am not gonna read that. Like, no, no, thank you. And so even now I sort of respond to the first couple comments on a video, and then I stop and I'll probably go back and look at like the top comments just to engage. Okay, what's our thoughts? Okay, that's funny. Let me respond, or like, oh, you had a question, let me answer. Once it hits a certain point of virality, I'm like, I can't do that. I'm like, you're done. Yeah. No, no more. I do not need to know what's going on in there. Especially like, oh my gosh, Instagram, Facebook. I don't check Facebook at all. And that's something else I've realized in getting sober young, is that there is a lot of projection from people who are likely dealing with the same stuff but haven't gotten there yet. Yeah, the stigma kept me really sick for a second. Because I'm not homeless. Alcoholics are like 50-year-old men who, you know, wake up, drink whiskey, and beat their wives.

SPEAKER_02 53:56

Live under bridges.

SPEAKER_03 53:57

Right. Yeah. And that's a thing too with drugs, is I was like, well, I'm not like a tweaker living in like a homeless encampment. Yeah. I'm like, I have a job I go to every day. Right. And it's like, okay, those people, yes, are you? So you're just a function. Right. I'm literally, the only difference is that like I have resources. Like my dad gives me money, like my dad let me move back home. I've got some solid enablers. Yeah. Right. Literally. And so once I realized that, even after I got sober, I'd hear people, because it's a double-edged sword. I'm really glad I caught it when I did. And I got sober young before I did a lot of damage because it made it easier to get sober. However, when I hear people talk about their damage that they've done that I haven't done, it's again the other edge of that sword.

SPEAKER_02 54:37

I'm like, am I not? No, you there's no like this is rock bottom. It's just like what rock bottom is whatever point, you're like, I'm done with this.

SPEAKER_03 54:45

And I realized the only difference between me and people that have five DUIs is I didn't get caught because I've drunk driven much, much more than five times. And so I I did get over that. And I agree, where I'm like, rock bottom is where you stop digging, those cliches really eat.

SPEAKER_02 55:01

Yeah, you don't need to have some horrible thing happen to you to just acknowledge that like you don't want to do this again.

SPEAKER_03 55:06

And that was part of why I posted about it when I started, is I was like, no, I'm just kind of deciding that like now is a good time to do this before I blow my life up, and that that's a perfectly normal response. And especially people in recovery are also pretty supportive. I've had one singular dude say, Oh, if you weren't doing heroin, how much of an addict really are you? And I'm like, okay, first of all, heroin barely exists anymore. It's all fentanyl now. Yeah. Second of all, okay, okay, old timer. God forbid I didn't like put a needle in my arm. I did literally everything else. Why are we like policing which drugs are like turning it into the trauma Olympics?

SPEAKER_02 55:41

Like you just didn't suffer the right way in order to be like a proper addict.

SPEAKER_03 55:44

Yeah. But like again, that's such an outlier. That's one singular dude. Everyone else has been like, no, glad you're here and glad you didn't. I know plenty of old people who are like, yeah, I drank for 40 years and I ruined my life. And I'm so glad to see that you and other people your age don't have to suffer like that, like that I did.

SPEAKER_02 56:01

If there was something that you could tell your 14-year-old self, what would that be?

SPEAKER_03 56:09

It's so cliche, but like it does get better. Uh-huh. It really does. And that shit used to piss me off hearing people be like, it gets better. Like I'm here now though. And no, like, are you sure? Because it doesn't feel like it's going to. And I had so many moments like that in my life where I just was like, it's never going to get better. I am stuck in this pain forever. And okay, first of all, that mindset kept me stuck. I was very attached to my own suffering, especially at 14. Yeah. That was like half my personality. Thrive on that victim mentality. And I loved romanticizing it. I was like, I'm so sad. I've been so traumatized. Right. Like my trauma and like my depression. And like.

SPEAKER_02 56:49

I'm not doing anything to exacerbate it myself.

SPEAKER_03 56:51

Yeah. And so now I've learned it again through so much trial and error that like I do have to take accountability for the role that I play in my own suffering. I was not ready to do that at 14. So it's like, yeah, I can say, hey, it gets better. Of course, I would not have believed that. Yeah. But it does. It really does. It just doesn't get better overnight. And it doesn't get better by snapping your fingers and twirling around in a circle. Like it unfortunately requires digging deep, getting really uncomfortably honest with yourself.

SPEAKER_02 57:18

And it tends to get worse before it gets better.

SPEAKER_03 57:22

Yeah. And so many people quit because of that. I quit because of that. Where I was like, this is too hard. I hate it. And so if I still feel miserable, why would I stay sober? Yeah. And that took me back out many times, even just on the small level of when my parents would catch me vaping in high school and I would try and I'd be like, no, I'm gonna ask the cook at my job to go buy me a vape from the gas station. Like it's just that thing where you're telling me it's gonna get easier, and then you're taking the thing away and it's getting worse. Yeah. Well, I'm not doing work to make it better. So of course, like two plus two equals four. Yeah. Fork found in kitchen, dude. Like, of course, it's not getting better. No. But, you know, it's just like timelines, and I I wasn't ready to do it then. I'm glad that I got ready to do it now. And every single person's gonna have a different life experience that takes them through different things and places and feelings, and it's a personal journey. And, you know, some people don't make it there at all. God bless my 14-year-old self. She was a mess, but she got me there.

SPEAKER_02 58:23

We give them a lot of grace. Like I give little Britney a lot of grace. So I'm like, girl, you were just sad and lonely, and you're just like trying to make yourself feel better. I get it. Yeah. And you just didn't have most of your brain formed.

SPEAKER_03 58:32

Teenage me was set up for failure in a lot of ways. So I was like, that's not really your fault. I don't even think you knew better in a lot of ways.

SPEAKER_02 58:40

And the ha the fact that you're like here and happy and like doing the shit. Like that's that's it.

SPEAKER_03 58:45

I like to think that me at any point in my childhood or teen years or whatever would be stoked to see me now. They'd think you're so cool. They'd think I'm so cool. You are so cool. That's where I'm like, yeah, all right. Yeah. That's like I said, that was one of the things that kind of got me sober where I was like, oh my God, if Child Me saw me now, she'd be horrified.

SPEAKER_02 59:05

I think that is such an important thing. I was listening to a podcast this morning and she's like, I honestly live my life now by like, would this impress my younger self? If it doesn't, like, do I really want to do this? If my younger self who had like the passion and knew that I wanted to do this, like, would this impress them? And every time I follow through with that, I make myself extremely happy. To me, that would also be like balling out at a toy store.

SPEAKER_03 59:25

But like, just in life in general, yeah, that might cause me to make some financially unwise decisions, but but it's also hard because like I do agree with that, but the way I was raised, I was raised so not that child, but a regular child. I'm like, I was raised so religious that I was kind of like, and I never really resonated with it, but like I think my perception was a little skewed here right there. The weird rules you create for yourself in the universe around you are child me would be like, you're doing what?

SPEAKER_02 59:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 59:53

It's kind of lit though.

SPEAKER_02 59:54

You look kind of cool, but like would child me sneak out and want to do this?

SPEAKER_03 59:58

Yeah, yes, yes, and no, excessive that part that I can get behind.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:01

Yes. Oh, that's awesome. Well, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you, honestly, for all your openness and just willingness to share your story. We appreciate it. Thank you for having me. Um share with everyone where they can follow you.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:15

You can find me on TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, Twitch, at cherry emojigirl, and then on Instagram, same thing, but there's just an extra L at the end because someone years ago took my username and the account is dead, and I can't.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:32

You're the first one that pops up those up. Um, and then thank you all for joining us on Recovery Cast. Like and subscribe where you are listening. Check out our website, recovery.com, and thank you so much for joining us. We'll see you next time.