Lacey Spence | Overcoming Opioid Addiction, Prison, & Restoring Her Family

Lacey Spence survived a childhood of foster care, an illegal "girls' home" in Mexico, and a harrowing journey through the prison system to build a life defined by radical resilience. After being abandoned by her mother and losing both her mother and sister to suicide, Lacey’s path led from prescribed Percocet to a "rolling ball of disaster" involving heroin, meth, and high-stakes robbery. Today, she is a professional dental assistant, a wife, and a mother who successfully fought to restore her family.

Find mental health and addiction treatment near you: https://recovery.com/

Follow Lacey on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@bbylaceyxoxo

In this vulnerable conversation, Lacey pulls back the curtain on the "daily hustle" of addiction and the brutal reality of sobering up in a jail cell without a mattress or window. She shares how she maintained nine years of sobriety even after the sudden death of her father, proving that no one is ever "too far gone". Lacey’s story is a powerful testament to breaking the stigma and the importance of giving people a second chance to prove their worth. Whether you are struggling with a mother wound, navigating the legal system, or seeking hope in the face of bankruptcy and loss, Lacey’s "chest out" approach to boundaries and self-love provides a roadmap for transformation.

Subscribe for more stories of radical resilience, comment with your favorite takeaway, and share this episode with someone who needs to know that life isn't over after a relapse or a prison sentence.

⏱️ Chapters:

00:00 – Surviving Foster Care & Childhood Trauma

03:15 – Abandoned in Mexico: The Illegal Girls’ Home

21:00 – From Prescribed Percocet to the Opioid Epidemic

30:40 – The Descent: Heroin, Meth, & Hitting Rock Bottom

37:20 – Robbery, Running, & a Prison Sentence

50:00 – Sobering Up Behind Bars

53:00 – Grieving Her Father Without Relapsing

57:00 – Restoring Motherhood & Fighting for Custody

59:00 – Life After Prison: Radical Resilience

59:45 – How to Find Lacey Online

❓ Questions the Video Answers:

1. How does childhood trauma in foster care lead to addiction?
2. What is the link between prescription painkillers and heroin use?
3. Can you recover from heroin and meth addiction in prison?
4. How do I cope with the death of a parent in early sobriety?
5. How can I get custody of my children back after prison?
6. What are the signs of a "mother wound" in recovery?
7. How does radical transparency help break the addiction stigma?
8. Can an addict return to a professional career like dental assisting?
9. What is it like to sober up in a jail cell?
10. How do you set boundaries with toxic people in recovery?
11. What is the impact of family suicide on the recovery journey?
12. How do you handle bankruptcy caused by drug addiction?
13. Is it possible to find love and marriage after prison?
14. How do I deal with resentment toward guardians during recovery?
15. What does "radical resilience" look like in long-term sobriety?

#AddictionRecovery #PrisonToPurpose #SobrietyStories

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Do you think I would have had the strength to get clean and do all the things I go through prison to get sober, to stay sober, to get out of prison, to start my life back up when I thought it was over, to not be a new mom? Yeah, this is why I did this. Hey everyone, and thank you for joining us on another episode of Recovery Cast. I'm Brittany Baynard.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

And I'm Sam? Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

You just in the talk of the book. No, we're good.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Keep it keep keep going. Uh okay. Well, so now that I'm talking, uh producer Sam here. Brittany, do you mind if I do some housekeeping?

SPEAKER_02 0:37

Yeah, I was just gonna ask, do we have some housekeeping that we need to take care of this morning?

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Yes. Okay, so as always, I have to uh uh I was gonna say assignee chores, but give you a fun side quest to do. Pretty pleased.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

It fuels my ADHD. Give it to me.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Good. Okay. Like this video if you're watching. Uh comment below what you liked about the episode. Um, subscribe if you haven't yet. Hit that bell. I think it's a thing that people are still saying on on YouTube. Or uh another way that you can support uh RecoveryCast, leave us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. Okay, this uh review comes from someone by the name of Chuck C. Don, if that is your real name. The subject line, a real genuine podcast. If you were looking for stories about recovery, connecting with people who have been through the journey with recovery, this is your place. A wonderful host and guests that have real conversations about substance use recovery. Like that review was saying, uh, yes, we love having um the incredible guests and their stories on this show week to week. And we have another incredible one this week.

SPEAKER_02 1:38

Yeah. Uh Lacey Spence, absolutely amazing conversation. Tell us a little bit about Lacey.

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Okay, yeah. Today we're joined by Lacey Spence, an online creator whose viral transparency has transformed how half a million people view addiction. After surviving a childhood of foster care and a harrowing journey through the prison system, she has built a life defined by radical resilience, professional excellence, and the restoration of her family. Brittany, this is one of my favorite episodes.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Yeah. And just one of my favorite human beings in general now. Yes. Um, the second she walked through that door. Energy was incredible. Um, and through, I mean, we were definitely sobbing, but I will just say they were not tears of like sorrow. It was literally we had gotten to the point we're both just sitting here vibing and we're it was gratitude. It was like tears of gratitude and being able to kind of look around and be like, I was at a point in my life where like I didn't think any of this was ever gonna happen for me, any of it possible. And now I'm living like a good life. And it's there's just so much to be grateful for. And I see that pattern a lot in these conversations. It's like my favorite thing to talk about, especially at the end. Like, where are you in recovery? Where are you just at life in general in those moments that you get to just kind of like, oh, that feels good. I'm grateful for this episode that you're about to listen to. And I'm grateful that you're here listening to it.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Yes, and you'll be grateful that the interview is gonna start now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

Ready? Lacey, thank you so much for joining us today. So excited to have you here. Of course. Yes. Um, so we're definitely gonna get into your recovery story, but as I was learning more about you, there's so much that happened in your childhood. Can we kind of start there? Paint me a picture of what that's like.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

I was in foster care until I was seven. My mom abandoned me and my sister at a shelter because she she was very mentally ill. She was going through it, and she left us there. She said she was gonna come back. She didn't come back. We were boarded to the state of California. So we went into two foster homes in the span of four years. And were you together? Me and my sister. Yes, we were together. How old were you when that happened? Um, I was four. She's about two years older than me. And we went into foster care together, and we went into a home with a woman named Suzanne, and it was a really nice big house. I thought I liked it there, but I guess it was like an abusive situation. I don't really remember it, but my sister tells me that. So they moved us from that foster home into a new foster home with Carol and Dennis, and that's where we were at until I was seven. And my dad had to fight to get me back because my mom was making some pretty gnarly allegations about my dad that I didn't even find out until I was an adult. I didn't even know. And she was saying he was doing inappropriate things to me and Ashley and my sister.

SPEAKER_02 4:33

And you wound up in foster care because your mom was struggling at that time. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Um, basically, me and my sister were living with my mom and dad. My sister's dad is not my dad. And my mom went out one night and she came home just with another guy, my dad said. And she was like, You need to leave. Like, and my dad said he was like, What? Like it was so left field that he was like, Wait, what? And she was and the guy was like, Yeah, get the fuck out. And my dad was like, Okay. So he didn't have anywhere to go. He so my dad had to leave me and Ashley there. So he went to Oregon to stay with his friend Josie, who he grew up with in California. And that's when my mom took me and my sister to a shelter. It was for domestic violence. I guess the guy that she got with, like, I don't know, but that's just where she took us. Yeah. And then she basically said, I'll be right back. Like, I have an appointment, and she didn't come back for me and Ashley. So we were awarded to the state of California.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

How long were you in foster care before your dad got custody of you?

SPEAKER_01 5:33

About four years. Wow. Yeah. And we would have supervised visitation. He would rent a car and come down and see us. And like, I was just a little girl that was like, like I knew nothing. And like every time he'd show up, I was just so happy. And I remember my sister was just so angry. She was very angry. And I think it's because she was older. We got to see my mom supervised visitations at this big building. I remember, you know, just going in this room that was like a two-way mirror type of vibe. And I was just like, mommy, like I knew I didn't know. I was just happy to see her. Yeah. And Ashley like refused to like go near. She would be like, nope. Oh. But I was just like delusional.

SPEAKER_02 6:11

It's so interesting when there's siblings that both experience the same thing, things, but they internalize and then experience it very differently. Yep. I had that with like me and my sister too. So then your dad gets custody of you after four years. And you go live with him.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Yes. So he came down. I remember the court hearing, and there's like pictures of it. Like it's so funny looking at the pictures of it because I'm just like drawing pictures and I'm like, I don't know why it's so funny to me because I just had not a clue. I'm like, my dad's here and I'm stoked. And I remember the courtroom. I remember them telling my dad that he got custody of me and watching my mom cry. And that was a little sad for me, even at that age, because I was like, wait, is this just me? I don't get to see her anymore. Like, what's going on? And then my dad drove me to Oregon and he had a place above Josie. So it was like this really big house, and there was like two layers. And I was so excited. I was like, oh, it's me and my dad. I literally, you guys, I was like, cloud nine. I'm stoked. Just me and my best friend were gonna have it now. Yeah. After that tough four years. I've always been a daddy's girl, like my whole life growing up. And um, it was really good, like with my dad living in that house. And then he introduced me to his girlfriend at the time. She's my stepmom now, but and I was jealous. I was pissed. I was like, so it's a tough like how old are you at this time? Like, I think I was seven and a half. Okay. And then he was like, Yeah, we're gonna move in with her. I still to this day have to count. I think there's six or seven kids. They're like my stepbrothers and sisters. I love them dearly. I still have to count on my fingers. That's really soft. But they weren't all living there. There was only two living there. But I was just like, um, yeah. Like I was, I just remember feeling that. Even at that age, I remember being like, I just got tossed from home to home. I went from one foster home to the next, to then with my dad stoked, stoked, super stoked. Then now here with like other kids that I have to, and then like a woman I have to share my dad with. I was I was angry. I was definitely an angry kid, and I was like fighting with my stepmom a lot and calling her a bitch, getting in fist fights, like telling her you're not my mom. Oh, the standard girly pop stepmom. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yes. My dad would just bail. Like every time I would start fighting with her, like I would look at him like, Dad, and he would literally just speedwalk.

SPEAKER_02 8:25

Like, I'm not picking that fight.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

Yeah, it was it was pretty rough. And I I mean, I still remember having good times. Like, I don't think like when I think back to like Christmases, I'm like, okay, like we did like popcorn strings around the tree, and like there's good, there's good too. But there was just so much bad.

SPEAKER_02 8:43

Do you feel like after you got out of foster care, the kind of like emotional trauma of what you had gone through was addressed or like you were taken care of in that way? No way.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

No, not at all. Like I think I just I'm like such an empath that I'm like, I don't blame my dad and my stepmom. I just feel like they were doing their best. Like, I don't think they had ill intent in their heart. Just like I didn't. Yeah, you know, with my kids, I didn't. And I feel like when I went through what I went through, it made me forgive them more. Because I was like, I know that I hurt my kids, but I didn't want that.

unknown 9:25

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

And then I mean things got really bad when when I was 11 or 12, the years get kind of mixed up. But when I was 11 or 12, and you know, my dad sat me down to tell me that my mom died. Even though I didn't have a relationship with her, I stand by this to this day that you can't grieve something you didn't know, but I it set me off. Little 11, 12 year old me it got set off. And that's when I just started running away and I was acting bad and I started like having sex and all this stuff. And I I think that it was just like a ripple fle effect of like all these bad things happening. And then I was like, okay, that'll do it.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

Do you think at that age when you found out your mother had passed, were you still thinking like we could have a relationship at some point?

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Yeah, and I would talk to her on the phone sometimes. She would call. She would call at like 10 p.m. like weird times. And I remember my dad and stepmom answering the phone and being like, Allison, why are you calling right now? Like and then I remember her sending me a purple bike. And I was like, My mom sent me this. And so yeah, I mean, I don't deal with that. Of course, I'll probably always have like a mother wound, like subconsciously. Like I can like freely talk about my mom's death, which I didn't know that she killed herself. My dad told me that she overdosed for a long time because I think he didn't want my little ears to know that. And then my older sister ended up telling me.

SPEAKER_02 10:45

Really? Yeah. The relationship with your stepmom and dad kind of just continues to not go so well to the point where tell me how you end up in Mexico.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

So I run away, I'm having sex, I'm not going to school. And so I think my dad and mom are like, what do we do? Like, she's going down a dad bad path. Like and so my dad was a drummer at the church in Ashland that we went to, and my mom sang in the choir. And so they're very involved in the church. There was a missionary down in Mexico that worked for our church, but he lived down there. And I guess somehow they heard about like a girl's home down there. And they basically my mom and dad were like, Yeah, so we want to go down to Mexico and work on things. And I think they said that because they knew I wouldn't come home if they I wouldn't have come home if they told me what I was going there for. There's no frickin' way. Like, little me, I hear like Mexico. You're gonna have to tell me spring break and not what it actually is. Yes, yeah. Yeah. So I was like, okay, I'll come home. Like, I'll come home for that. And they're like, yeah, we're just gonna work on our relationship and like try to mend things. And I was like, okay. So I come home and we drive down to Mexico. And yeah, I was beside myself to find that I wasn't staying there with them. Like, we get to Bobby's house, we're and Bobby's cool, RIP. Um, love Bobby, he was sweet. Yeah, we unpack. I'm like, hey, this is nice, like I like it. This is gonna be a great time. And like the next morning, like they were like leaving. Like they're they're like, no, like we're I'm like, we're what are you doing? Yeah. You just got here. And she and they're like, so we're not staying here with you. And I'm like, what the f are you talking about? Yeah. And she's like, I just feel like this will be good for you. You need to get away. Like, and I was like, I don't really remember exactly. I know I was like crying, you know. And uh they left. And then it was like a boarding school or like a girls' treatment center. Oh, it was nothing that was even like legal. Like there it wasn't even like a thing. It was literally buildings with like people staying in it. There was girls withdrawing. There was girls. I was the only girl who who spoke English. Like the other girls would like kind of like spang English. So I couldn't like talk to anybody. Like I had to wash my clothes by hand. I had to make a fire to heat up water to shower out of a bucket. I had to, yeah, I did that for about three months. And then I still ended up being in Mexico for a whole year. Like I went and stayed with Bobby. Me and Bobby got in a fist fight. I was trying so hard to get a hold of anybody. And at the time I was dating Caleb. So like, and I was living with Caleb. So like I was just gone one day. And he's like, Where the fuck are we going? Yeah. So I was like trying to get a hold of anybody. And he saw me on the computer and he pulled me back and we like like hit each other. And Bobby's like 75. Dang. So then after damn it, Bobby. Damn it, Bobby. So then so then after this happens, he's like, You can't stay here with me. So then he made me he made me go stay with his neighbors, Cheryl, and I don't know, it was these two older women. I think they were lesbian. I don't know. But I stayed with them. And I'm like, okay, I'm just like getting pawned off from place to place. Like, why can't I go home? At the age of 12. Yes. And then it was like, oh, well, they want you to learn how to play guitar. Okay. Drive me into San Diego across the border. I'm like, should I run? Like I low-key thought about it. Picks me up a guitar. Tuck and roll. I learn how to play guitar. It was just like all these dumb things. And then I finally came home a year later.

SPEAKER_02 14:21

And after a year, like, what did they come get you? Did you fly home?

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Like, so apparently in the church, everybody was like shunning my parents. Oh. That's just what I heard. Because they took their like they were not happy about it. They're like, why would you leave Lacey there? So the pastor of our church, Mark Anderson, flew to Mexico and he brought me back. And I remember coming back and I'd see my dad in the airport. It was just my dad. And I still can see like the look of like, please don't fucking hate me. And he was just like, it's gonna be good, right, Lace? We're gonna do good. I first started.

SPEAKER_02 14:57

You could see that look on his face. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

Yeah. Of like, guilt, don't hate me. I'm scared. Do you still love me? I'm sorry. All these feelings. Yeah. And when I tell you, I was so full of rage. Like I was like like psycho.

unknown 15:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

Like I was like, mm-hmm. Yeah. It's gonna be great, Dad. And then we got back to our house and he was gonna we were gonna change, get dressed, go to breakfast, go sign up for school. As he went in to change his outfit, I ran out the door and I ran away that same day. Where'd you go? To Caleb. I got on the city bus. I was like hiding behind.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

This is your boyfriend at the time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

Yeah. Yeah, my older son's dad. I was hiding behind a trash can because I was afraid my dad was gonna like drive by and see me at the bus stop, this huge sneaky trash can. I was like hiding because I was like, please don't come find me. And I felt really sad whenever I talked to my dad about that because he said, Lacey, I thought like the rapture happened. Like I was so confused. Like I was looking underneath beds and stuff. And like just thinking of my dad, like Oh my gosh. I just, my dad can do no wrong. Yeah. And I I don't know. It just made me so sad thinking about him being like, Lacey, Lacy, like in hopes that like I was back and like things were gonna be good. I mean, what do you expect? Like I was acting out because I just got out of foster care. I was abandoned, my mom killed herself. All these things were happening, and then I get abandoned again. What did you expect? So I was just like angry. Angry. Yeah. So angry. And I remember talking to a therapist about it. I remember telling her, like, I was a really bad kid. And she kept telling me, like, stop saying that. Like you were you acted accordingly. And I was like, When did you finally hear that? After my dad died in 2020. It was very like like I always thought everything that I did in my life, which things I did in my life are also my responsibility, but I was like, This is my fault. All this is my fault. Like you it's because I'm bad. Not bad, but I'm bad. But yeah, nothing.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

And so hearing that, I was like, yeah, I was like, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Like it's like when you learn to give like that younger version of yourself a lot more grace. Yes. Yeah. So how old are you at this point? You're with Caleb, you're back from Mexico, things aren't going very well. Are you in high school? I'm not going to school. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

I move in with Caleb and his family immediately. And I get pregnant. How old are you? I am 15. And I planned to have an abortion. Caleb paid for it. And then I think I had told someone that was I was really close within the church. And she was like, You're not doing that. And I was like, Why? And she actually was like a anti-abort. I don't know what she did, but she had her job was like to show you like the she had these little fetuses in her office. I don't know, it was something that was about that. And I remember her putting a little like a little baby in my hand. And she said, That's your baby. And I was like, Oh, okay. Well, now that you put it in like to that, because like I was just so young and I was like, Yeah. Yeah. And then I I remember telling my friend Ashley and her mom Michelle called my dad and told him. So I didn't tell my dad, but she did. And he said, You're coming home, you're not having an abortion, and we're gonna do this together. And I did, I I went home.

SPEAKER_02 18:23

And did they end up helping so you could do that together?

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

That's awesome. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:28

Yep. I I was pregnant and had Micah all at 15. So like it's so weird because like I obviously work with kids and and teens. So when I like see teens in my work, I'm like picturing them with a baby. I'm like, Yeah, that's a baby. That's a baby. How did I do that? Um, but they did, they helped me. And for the first year of Micah's life, like everything was fine. My mom and dad weren't doing good financially. My dad got a job opportunity in Wyoming to work on a mill. And he was like, So you can come with us or you can stay here. And I stayed.

SPEAKER_02 19:00

That would have required you leaving his family too.

SPEAKER_01 19:03

I wasn't with Caleb anymore. So I left Caleb because he was doing drugs. I think I just didn't, I don't really remember why I didn't want to move. I just didn't want to be away from everything I knew. Yeah. And I was also going to school to get my GD at this school that had a daycare in it. School. So they were like watching Micah while I was like getting my GD. And I was gonna go stay with my friend and her mom. And I was like, no, I'll just stay. So they I love this.

SPEAKER_02 19:28

You've like made a plan for yourself. You're like stuff.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

That's incredible. I know. I'm like, I actually like got my GD pretty fast, and I'm obsessed with ocean life. I'm my favorite animal's a killer whale. So I wanted to work at SeaWorld. And I remember my friend's mom like emailing SeaWorld for me. And they were like emailing me back, and they were like, Yes, you need to like go to college, but while you're in college, you can like have a job here. Yeah. I'm like like corn dogs, I'll do anything.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

Churros dip in dust. Yeah. Set me up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

Set me up. And like I think she just kind of spilled my story to them. And like, I'm a young mom and like it's my passion. And I didn't follow through with that. Uh, but the thought was there.

SPEAKER_02 20:05

The thought was there. The ambition was definitely there. It was there. It was there. This is kind of when we start getting into the accident that kind of kicks off the prescription news.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Yes. So, oh man, there's so many years that are like blurry, but fast forward a little bit. I'm living with another friend above the batting cages in our town with Izzy. And I'm like staying there. I got Micah in a little playpin. We're like, what the? I was just a loose cannon going all over, but I was young, okay? And I started dating my younger son, Braden's dad, Russell. I started dating him. It was a little toxic back and forth. We did some shady things to each other. So we weren't really allowed to like see each other from his mom, but we still did. Eventually she gets over it. She accepts me and Micah, and we're together. Me and Russell are together. And yeah, this was we're living together. Me and Russell are living together at Sandy's house. We get in an argument. We're driving, and I open the truck door and I said, Stop the truck. I'm gonna get out. And I think like my foot like sucked me out because my foot hit the floor and it actually sucked me out of the truck going like 30, 35. Um, I got six staples in my head. I like did like a flip on the pavement. Oh my God. That's when I got prescribed per cassette. And that's not when my addiction started, but I remember that was the first time I felt that euphoric feeling from a pain pill.

SPEAKER_02 21:34

Before that, what was your experience like like with anything? Drinking, smoking.

SPEAKER_01 21:38

I don't know if you ever I mean, I would sometimes like, you know, smoke weed. I didn't like it. I remember getting so drunk off of Schmirnoffs. I would throw up all over in a car. Like I just didn't know how to do these things. So I wasn't like a fan, you know? So there wasn't much of like a, yeah, I have some drunk stories, but that's about it. Mm-hmm. I did the Percocet and I remember like calling all my friends. Like I distinctly remember that. That's like a core memory. Calling all my friends, my sister, because I was so happy. I just wanted to call everybody and tell them how much I love them. I haven't felt that euphoric feeling ever. I was like, whoa. But it's like crazy that my addiction didn't start there. But I just I remember feeling that.

SPEAKER_02 22:23

Yeah. Where do you think it started then?

SPEAKER_01 22:26

It started after, so me and Russell have Brayden. Um, I graduate college with honors for dental. I get best attendance award. I'm working my butt off. Yes. I'm like breastfeeding, I'm pumping in the bathroom. We're doing the damn thing. You like doing it all. I'm doing it all. And we're doing great. We have a house. He, you know, we're all good. Two boys now. And Russell had been in accidents in the past from riding motocross. And sometimes he would get pain pills if he had some pain, but it wasn't ever an issue. He never abused it. It was never a thing. But one day I like remembered like that feeling. And we just like started taking him for fun randomly. It would be like, oh, like, do you want to like it's Friday? Do you want to like take like a Vicanin? Looking back, like we had no idea what was gonna happen, not a clue. And we were like, yeah, let's let's just take a pill and like have sex, or like, you know, like because it made it funner. And like it spiraled from there. We were taking the pills a lot. He was lying to get more refills, like his doctor cut him off. And then it turned to we're swallowing so many of these pills that it's like destroying our stomach. And someone was like, if you buy a perk 30, that's like five of the pills you guys are taking in one. And I remember that's when we started buying the perk 30s off the streets. And so before that it was all prescribed. It was all prescribed, yeah. And then we started buying it from people. When you're getting it prescribed, does it ever feel like a problem? Not really. Yeah. It's almost like this is like allowed because a doctor said, Isn't that nuts?

SPEAKER_02 24:00

It's like, but then I could walk out of that building and just buy it from someone on the street, and it's a completely different thing. Yep. Yeah. That's so crazy. It is. That's big pharma right there. Isn't it? So at this time, like what is your day-to-day life looking like? You have a job, you've got kids. How are you maintaining this while also a pretty hefty like pill happening?

SPEAKER_01 24:22

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm working as a dental assistant. Um, I've been there a while. Russell's working at a car dealership. He's been there a while. Like we're both doing good to the naked eye, right? Yeah. And I remember always having like the perk 30s in my bra. And I wouldn't take them until I was done with my last patient at work. Like I'm cleaning. And it was like I looked forward to the end of the day to take my pill. I had a higher tolerance than Russell. So he would smoke them off a tinfoil and I would take them like how you're supposed to. By the end of our perk 30 addiction, I was swallowing six of them at a time. And he, five or six, like absolutely. And he had to smoke two a day. So what's that cost? Oh, almost like$200 a day. I mean, give or take of how much we wanted. And so we're still like managing, you know. Um, things start happening at my job where it's like, oh, like just kind of chaos that the manager's noticing, and like signs, you know, that start to trickle in. And yeah, the addiction gets so bad that it finally comes to the point of like me and Russell are hiding it from each other because we could only get so much money. So then I would know when he would do it. I would come home and I would see it in his eyes, and I would be sick because I didn't have any. And I'd be like, You got high without me, you got pills without me. And it would turn into like this huge thing. We're fighting. We're like sicknesses are fighting each other. Yes. We're physically fighting. Like he's punching me in the face. I'm spitting in his face. It's it's just so toxic. So eventually, you know, we separate, we break up, and we get evicted from our house. And it just got to a point where like his mom saw how bad it was, and she said, Okay, I'm gonna send Russell to rehab. Do you want to go to rehab too? I'll send you, or do you want to go to your dad's? And I went to my dad's and we both got some time under a belt. We got 30 days each. We reunited, we're doing good, we're going to 90, nine, 90 meetings in 90 days. Like we were super part of NA. And yeah, it just, it just didn't last. Like, I don't even remember how long we made it. Like I know it was a I know it was a decent chunk of time. Yeah. And I don't exactly remember what caused us to relapse, but we did.

SPEAKER_02 26:27

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

And then is that like a repeated cycle then for a while?

SPEAKER_01 26:34

Yes. It happened a couple times. And then we moved to Wyoming to try to like get away from the people, the pills, the things. We got a house there. It actually had a white picket fest around it, like an actual. It was so cute. And Russell got a job at work in the same car thing. Like I'm a stay-at-home mom. Things are going fine. We occasionally would find like pills through people. It was like questionable. We knew nobody except for our family. And I'm like, oh my God. Me and my dad spread my mom and sister's ashes in Wyoming together. So, you know, my mom passed. Well, when I was pregnant with Braden, my older sister had also taken her life. She was in the sex industry, very mentally ill as well. So I was always asking her for my mom's ashes. Like, I need my mom's ashes back. Well, I finally got my mom's ashes with hers. Me and my dad are together and we go to like spread their ashes. I get super drunk, like blacked out drunk. And I cut myself, which I'm not like a self-harmer. I've never done that.

SPEAKER_02 27:32

So then I'm like, But was it on purpose?

SPEAKER_01 27:34

Yes. Yes. Like I was blacked out drunk. And I don't like Russell could probably recall it better than me, but I just remember me crying about something and he's like, said a comment like, you're gonna have to get over it, Lace. And I was like, get over this, and I did that. Mm-hmm. So it was definitely the therapist, because I put I was put into a mental institution for seven days.

SPEAKER_02 27:57

After this happened. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

Yeah. They said that they don't think that I'm suicidal. They said I just think that was a cry for help. And so Wyoming didn't work. Wyoming didn't work. And we moved back to Oregon and just picked right back up with our addiction.

SPEAKER_02 28:11

Really?

SPEAKER_01 28:12

But it set went separate ways, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:13

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

So you went separate ways when you get back? Yep. Yep. We broke up. It just it just got so toxic with like the drugs and all the things. Like it just got so toxic that we are like or with the pills that we had we had separated, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:28

And to the people in your lives, maybe not like the closest people, but like, are they picking up on stuff that's going on?

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Yes, I isolated myself a lot in that relationship. So do that too. Mm-hmm. I isolated myself a lot in the relationship with Russell. So a lot of my friends were estranged. And I'm sure they were seeing me and him and being like, oh God.

SPEAKER_02 28:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

You know? Yeah. Yeah. And then I started seeing the front desk receptionist. His name was Darren. He was the person I was with throughout like my whole addiction. And so when I started dating Darren, I was still working at the dental office, surprisingly, hanging on by thread. Russell had shown up to fight him in the parking lot. So that's a cool fight. Yeah. So that's what got me canned. That's what got you canned. That's what got me canned. They're like, this is chaotic. Like the it's a threat to the staff here. And I was like, yeah. So then I had moved in with Darren. And Darren also got fired. I think I don't know why, but then me and Darren are just living at Darren's house. And Darren. We just moved in there and he was clean off of drugs. He hadn't used drugs in a long time. I was still doing the pills. And sometimes, even while I was dating Darren, I would still meet up sometimes with Russell.

SPEAKER_05 29:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:42

Like we weren't together, but I just seen him a lot. I would always like gravitate back to each other. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember we got, you know, he came and picked me up, and we both were like kind of sick. We had a little bit of money to get a few pills. And then he had this guy with him. And this guy is on heroin. He's like, you guys, I'm telling you, with the money you have, I can get you some heroin and you guys will be fine. And I remember me and Russell were like, no, what? Ew. Like, yeah, we're not doing that. Like, and he's like, you do pills. It's the same thing. And we're like, no, it's not. And uh we were like, no, like, I'm not gonna do it. And eventually it got to the point where we were both so sick that we said, fuck it. We just said, we both just said, fuck it. Yeah, do it. It's fine. And so he drove us to this like compound thing, this trailer park with like all these different trailers. There's like a boat flipped upside down, a washer upside down. Like you can picture it. Yes. And so Jeff runs in. He runs out a long time after. And because I know he like broke off some for himself. I was so new to this. I was all, yeah, thank you. I don't know. And uh that was the first time me and him had done heroin. We smoked it, and it was like, yeah, we just it was game over. Really? Oh, oh yeah, game over. We were like, wow, this feels the same, but better. Yeah. And it's cheaper. Did you create new rules with heroin? No. No. At this point, I was like a rolling ball of disaster. Like rapid fire, fuck up.

SPEAKER_02 31:15

Yeah. Like, how do you find$200 a day?

SPEAKER_01 31:20

So I think it was just like every single moment we figured it out. It was like Darren's hustling to get some money. It's a daily hustle. It's a daily hustle. Like, oh yeah, every day we got to figure it out. And I'm like thinking like days ahead. Like I'm trying to get as much as I can. Like my friend, one of my good friends, Jessica, she was in the industry of sex. And I used to see her always like have all these nice things, Louis Vuitton, like spas, like nail, like, and I'm like, Jess, like, how are you doing this? And she was like, you know how, girl? And I was like, like, I'm not doing that. And I remember being like, all right, I need the money. Let's do it. And uh she set up this whole thing for like me and her and another guy. And I just remember like going in the bathroom and hyperventilating, and I was like, I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this. And she was like, just follow my lead. It's okay.

SPEAKER_02 32:20

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SPEAKER_01 32:45

And I was like, no, I can't do it. I can't do it. And I was just so like my heart just like boom, boom, boom, boom. And I'm like, there's no way, there's no way, there's no way. But I was like so I had no choice. I didn't know what else to do. He's like, it's this, or I get sick and feel like shit, like I'm dying. And it was like a mass amount of money. And I was like, yeah. And I just remember like bawling my eyes out in the middle of it and being like, this is this is what it's turned into. This is what it is. And so that's how I got some money. I there were so many different ways that we would get money, rob people, sell things, the you name it. The smoking of the heroin didn't last long. I immediately went to the needle, like within like, I'm gonna say two weeks. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I don't, I need something more intense. At this point, you're like stronger. Oh, yeah. Hit me. Like it was crazy. It was crazy how like full blown dedicated I was to just like hit rock bottom. I was like, let's go, let's fucking go. How quick that can happen, how quick you can lose everything. I had lost everything. Like me and Russell had to file bankruptcy because our pill addiction, we were getting loans out from every bank. I would go in and get a loan, he'd get a loan, we'd get one together, same bank, hit another bank. So we we filed bankruptcy, like we lost everything. Cars, house, you name it. So I was just like, I had zero, I had nothing to my name, living with Darren, shooting up. I didn't have anything to lose. So I was just going as hard as I could. Where were your kids at the time? My kids are with Sandy, yeah, grandma, um, before things got really bad. So when I was still doing pills, I signed over guardianship. I didn't know I was signing over guardianship. She just told me to sign there and I trusted her, so I just signed there and I signed over guardianship. So that was rough, especially, you know, I went to go pick up my son, and cops were there and I couldn't. So I felt very, very betrayed by her. But I'm sure from her point of view, she was like, I don't I don't know if Lacey will do this, and she can't like take off with the kids right now. Like I always try to see the good. Like maybe that's that was her mindset. I don't know. Um, the boys are with her and Russell. I don't know what Russell's doing. He's running all around too. We're just like both doing heroin running around. But he was doing meth and I wasn't doing meth yet. And I remember be going back to that compound trailer, and I was this kid there was like, Lacy, you got I gotta get clean soon, you gotta smoke meth with me. And I was like, No. And he's like, You do heroin. I was like, no, that's gross. And he's like, it was another thing with like the pills and the it was the same thing. I mean, I finally say, Okay, and that was the first time I did meth was I smoked it there, and then it was like boom. Then it became like both things, meth and heroin. And I was like, even worse than I was. Like, are you you think you're yeah, you're just like I kept leveling down. I'm all damn. Yeah, found it, you guys. Yes, like a new low. Here we are. And again, yeah. You gotta be tired. Yeah, exhausted from the running around and like from all the things. But honestly, it's like I wasn't. I I was mentally and emotionally tired, but I just kept doing more drugs and more meth. So I was just like like, yeah, best believe that when the day came that I got clean, I I was sleeping for a long time because I was like, wow, your body is just shut down. Shut down, yeah. Because I was all over the place. I was like going from house to house, trap house, hotel to hotel, town to town. Yeah. It was chaos. I I never stayed with Darren, like he was like my boyfriend, but um, I never really like stayed in the house. That was like my safe place that I could go back to, even though his mom like eventually wouldn't let me there. Yeah. I used to sneak in. But yeah, I was going with different guys, whoever had the most drugs. And I would go with them, stay with them. I never knew, like the part of like the addiction that was also kind of addicting was like not knowing what was gonna happen. It was fucked up, but it was like, am I gonna be in a Marriott today or behind a 7-Eleven? I remember feeling that. Like when I was in prison, I remember feeling like I kind of miss the chaos and like the what's gonna happen today, you know.

SPEAKER_02 36:47

So, how many years would you say you've kind of been in this like survival mode at this point?

SPEAKER_01 36:53

Oh my gosh, my whole life. Genuinely. And I didn't realize that until recently because being married, being with my children, buying our first home, being stable, I was like, wow, like this is what life is supposed to feel like.

SPEAKER_02 37:10

When you're sitting in it. What's the point then where you do get sober? How does that happen?

SPEAKER_01 37:17

So the addiction gets so bad that I'm committing crime, I'm robbing people left and right. And I had set up this man that I really despised. He had done a lot of bad things to me. I I had robbed him many times, and I this was just another one of those times I was gonna rob him. And I had a guy help me with it, and a lot of people were involved. There was like, well, there were four other people involved, and I was with him, I'm in his car, you know, he wants me to like do things, and I just was like, dude, like, and I knew he had money and drugs, and I was like, I'm gonna rob him. And there wasn't an opportunity for me to rob him. So I was like, what do I do? So then I texted someone else that I knew robbed up someone every day. And I was like, I'm with this man, I'm with so-and-so. He's got this, this, and this. What do I do? And he's like, tell him to take you to the travel lodge. I was like, okay, can you take me to the travel lodge? I'm in the backseat setting this up. And we pull up to the travel lodge and the other guy pulls up with him and he's like, What is he doing here? And I'm like, I don't know. This is the local drug hotel. And he's like, talks him through the cars, like, hey, you got any blah, blah. And he's like, Yeah, just get in when Lacey gets out. Like, I set up this whole thing. And I was like, and I get out of the car and I get into another car that was with the other guy that I texted. And when he gets in the car, he goes to like rob him and he locks the doors and drives to the police station with him in the backseat trying to rob him. He's like, If I'm I'd rather us both get taken out.

SPEAKER_02 38:42

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

So he ended up pistol whipping him, getting out of the car. Anyways, yeah, he went to the police and he just he didn't go into the police station with drugs. He was like, looked like a regular guy. Like, I just got robbed for my money. Freshly pistol whipped, you know. So everybody told on me, everyone said it was my idea, which is fine. Bless. Thank you. It saved my life. Um, so then yeah, I I went to prison for robbery and I was on the run for a while because I knew I was gonna go. How long? About a year. And um I eventually got caught and went to prison. I was sentenced to three years, but I did two for good time. And what felt like the most I don't even know how to explain it. Like, I was like, this is I ruined my life. Like when I watch shows and movies now to this day of like people being sentenced, like it makes me it's a trauma.

SPEAKER_02 39:31

Like it's triggering. What was it like sobering up there?

SPEAKER_01 39:36

That was brutal. Um, because you you know, they offer you like Gatorade and like an emodium, and you're like, I'm not worried about my diarrhea guy. Like, that's not what's like it was just brutal. And I was always put in the hole because my son's aunt was a deputy there. So she would do that. So that was rough. I'm in a little cell, no windows, no light. I'm I have nothing. And I'm like shaking everything I've done in those three years of my addiction, they're all right there. I don't have anything to numb it anymore. So it's it's brutal. It's brutal. And then I'm like begging to go to prison because jail is horrific. Yeah. Like, and then the girls that are in the jail that have been in prison before, they're like, There's ice cream sandwiches there, and there's and I'm like, there's ice cream there. And I'm like, Can you guys send me now, please? And so I go to prison and it was the scariest day of my life. Like, I'll never act like, yeah, I'm I'm tough. I went to prison. Like, no, I was shaking in my boots, like it was no joke there. And walking in and seeing all these women just stare at you. I'm I'm I'm just saying, like, I was scared to be around them, you know. Like there's actual psychopaths, like people that were on like snapped, people that were like have documentaries, like it was scary. The first year of prison was rough. I barely came out of my shell, I barely talked to people. I just kind of like was a recluse. Like, and then after the first year, that's when I kind of I started to feel me like me again, which is about right because they say it takes a long time to feel like you again after drugs. I started doing as much as I could do. I was, I was going to classes, parenting class, um, therapy, like nonviolent communication. It was kind of like a therapeutic class, um, card making class for my kids, anything that I could do, video visits with them, phone calls every Sunday. Yeah. And I just started to like feel like, okay, okay, I'm getting support back. People are messaging me, reaching out to me. I'm building, I'm building back up.

SPEAKER_02 41:26

Like it's not over. It's not over. It's not over. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:28

And that's when I kind of I started to see the light again.

SPEAKER_02 41:31

Baby was just getting started at that point.

SPEAKER_01 41:33

It was, it was. Oh, that makes me a little bit emotional because yeah, like I really thought I ruined my life. And now looking at where I'm at, it's like I just want every addict to know that you are never too far gone because like the life I have now. If you would have told me when I was sitting in that prison cell that this was my life, I would have said, you're insane. Like I'm just so grateful for my life today. And it's just crazy to even look back at that. Yeah. You know, people say all the time, like, you don't look like you've been to prison. You don't look like an addict, you know, you have all your teeth. I love that. People are like, What is it supposed to?

SPEAKER_02 42:12

Draw me a picture of what you think that's supposed to look like. Yeah. And it's like and I'll tell you that's why it's such a hard problem now because people that are struggling right in front of you don't fit that picture. Yeah. So they just don't get help.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

Yeah. It's just, and I, you know, I'm I'm very open with my addiction on my social media, and I definitely do find humor in it. That's just how I cope. But like at the end of the day, like when I think about my addiction and I think about that girl, like it really does, like it makes me sad. And I put on, I don't put on an act. I just, I just deal with things with humor, right? But like that was really sad. Like that girl, I was so broken. I was so desperate for relief of any feeling I had. So it's sad. It's when I really sit and think about it, it's sad. It's not funny. So I think I need to like face that a little bit more because I kind of just like don't deal with it. But it's hard, though. It's hard. It is hard to deal with. How do you find community now? Honestly, my my support system, like my husband, my kids, my my work, like they're like so much of my people because I wouldn't be where I'm at if they didn't give me a chance. And I love you. Yes, and that just makes me so emotional because I feel like getting back into my career, like me being a dental assistant isn't making me emotional. Like, that's not what it is. It's I didn't think that I was worthy enough to be like a normal person again. And like my boss, she's just experienced these things, and so it made me feel like human again after feeling so inhumane, and I was like, okay, I Get to work with these people who have never done a drug in their life and they love me. They look into it. And they love me and they they know everything and they accept it. My inner self didn't need another addict to accept me. I needed someone else outside of that to accept me.

SPEAKER_05 44:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:17

And that was just like it gave me the confidence to then just keep going to where I'm at today. So like it sounds silly, you know, when I like get emotional about like me being a dental assistant, but it's not. It's like what's behind that of like that opportunity put me where I trust. The trust. Yes. Like the first time my boss gave me a key to our new building, I just like got my car and I cried. Cause I was like, dude, I used to steal everything from everybody, and nobody would even trust me to go in their house. So it was like a big deal to me. You know, things like that are a big deal to people that came from where it came from. Yep. And to be trust so trusted. Like I work on the anesthesia team. Like I'm helping kids when they're put under anesthesia. That's huge. That's huge. And I just think it's so important for people to give addicts a chance. Like, man, like break the stigma. That's how people get stuck, and that's how they keep reoffending, and that's how they keep using is because they can't get out of McDonald's. You know? Give them a chance. Give them a chance. Like, what's the worst that can happen? You fire them, right? Give them a chance. Let them prove you right or prove you wrong.

SPEAKER_02 45:27

Like, come on. What I feel is somebody that maybe dealt with not feeling like they deserved or had the love. Seeing it now all over their life.

SPEAKER_01 45:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:43

You.

SPEAKER_01 45:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:44

And that like you were always deserving of it. You just weren't in the environments where it was being given to you the way you deserved. And like now you're like sitting in all that glory.

SPEAKER_01 45:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:55

And it it is like a such an overwhelming feeling, especially when you've experienced all this stuff.

SPEAKER_01 46:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

And you can sit here now and you're like, ten years ago, I couldn't have imagined this life for myself. I couldn't imagine being in this house.

SPEAKER_01 46:08

No.

SPEAKER_02 46:08

Being able to provide the things for my kids that they have. Yeah. And like my kids never even having to imagine the type of life that I had.

SPEAKER_01 46:16

Yeah. I didn't think my I never thought I would like get to live with my kids again. Like that was like a whole nother thing in itself with um their grandma. And I definitely hold on to a lot of anger and resentment about that. Um, and I had to like fist fight basically for them back. And it was just very betraying. This is how I feel. Like I was so nervous to do this and like to talk about things and have people have their feelings hurt. But like I sat next to somebody on the plane on the way here, and it wasn't by accident. And she was like, speak your truth. Like, speak what you went through and what you felt. Stop worrying about how other people will feel. And that is my truth of that was a mom to me for 10 years when I was with her son. And she was there for me the whole two years I was in prison. More than anyone. I mean, my dad was there for me. And she said she wanted me to do good, just want you to do good, just be in the boys' life. And I did just that plus some. And she didn't like it. So that was like very brutal for me because I was like, I'm doing what you wanted, even getting out and having all odds against me. I had no home. I had no family. I had no clothes. I had nothing. And I'm just trying. I'm being positive. I'm going wherever I could go to like level up. And it just felt as if she didn't want me to level up because she didn't want me to get the boys back. And I know that comes from a place of like she loves them. She wanted to protect them. But it was like, it made it so hard for me. It made it so hard for me. I just wanted to be a mom. I just wanted to take care of my kids. It was so hard for me. And it was constant like anxiety. I felt anxious to just even go to her house and see my own kids. It was just like, it was unnecessary. That's what it was, period. Unnecessary. Especially at that time where like I'm just trying to get better. I'm just trying to be a good mom. I'm just trying to be a good person. I'm just trying to get my life back. Like, why are you making this so hard for me? So that was hard. And I finally got to a place where, you know, me and Dalton get together. We start dating and we buy, we buy a house, a four-bedroom house with intent of like Micah and Braden. And I remember saying to Braden, I was like, he's like, why did you get two extra? Oh, just for when I come spend the night. And I was like, no, no, you're gonna move in. And it was just so like, he said, Mom, I'm scared though. She'll get mad. She'll get mad if I tell her I want to live with you. And uh I I went to court. I terminated the guardianship and I just said, This is what's happening. This is this is why I did this. Do you think I would have had the strength to get clean and do all the things?

SPEAKER_02 48:49

I go through prison to get sober, to stay sober, to get out of prison, to start my life back up when I thought it was over, to not be a mom, be a mom.

SPEAKER_01 48:58

Be a mom, yeah. And to watch you parent my kids and you only let me be a part of things. You let me be a part. Like, that's not what I'm doing this for. No. And it's just like I sit in my house with my husband. I'm married. What the fuck? Like, I never thought I'd be married. And I have Mike and Braden, and it just makes me so happy just hearing them talk in my house and like, what's for dinner, mom? What's what like I just craved that. I crave to hear those words of like, what are we doing, mom? Can you do my laundry, mom? And I have that today. And it's like, yeah, I have my kids back, I'm married, I have a house, my career, my husband owns a business. Like, what? That's insane. Yeah. Oh you. When's your what's your sobriety date? August 4th, 2017. So I'm coming up on nine years.

SPEAKER_02 49:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:47

Yeah. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 49:48

Nine years. Nine years. Do you feel like there have been seasons within that nine years? Like first couple years, it's like this, and then all of a sudden you have switches or I knew I was done with with drugs.

SPEAKER_01 50:00

Like getting out of prison, I didn't fear relapsing. Yeah. That wasn't even a no way. Because there was drugs brought into the prison.

SPEAKER_02 50:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 50:07

By my friend, and I made her flush it right in front of me. So like I knew that because people were using drugs in prison all the time. Yeah. Like I could have done it. But I was like, what? I did not get here to get here. And so I knew I wasn't going to relapse. Um, but you know, I got out 2019 and then 2020, my dad passed. That was something that I thought I was going to relapse. Like even before my dad died, I feared my dad dying. And I think it's from all the death in my family, I'm assuming. Um, I would think about it. And I would think about what do I do if he dies? What do I do if I if he dies? And I would always think I'm gonna relapse. If my dad dies, I'm relapsing. Period. And that day came so suddenly, so left field.

SPEAKER_02 50:52

It was sudden.

SPEAKER_01 50:53

Yeah, like your dad's going to the ER, he has a stomachache. In my mind, something's not right. My dad never goes to the hospital, you know. He's a welder, a drummer, a dirt bike rider. He doesn't he's a dude. He's a dude, yeah. Like he and so I'm like, if he's going to the hospital, something's not right. And uh I couldn't sleep all night. I had this feeling, it was very unsettling feeling of like I fucking knew. And then the next day, it was COVID. It was during COVID. And the next day, you know, my mom told me I'll go back. They made me leave, but I'll go back and I'll call you. And uh I was like, I can't wait for her to call me. So I called the hospital in Wyoming. And they're like, Your mom's here. Do you want to talk to her? And I said, Yeah, I'll talk to her. And she gets on the phone and she's crying, and I'm like, What's going on, mom? And she's like, Yeah, so you need to talk to your dad, he's gonna he's not going to make it. And I'm like, What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Like, nobody he went to the hospital with a stomachache. I d what do you mean? And I just start spiraling and she's like, His um kidneys shut down, his insides have gangrene, and there's no there's there's nothing we can do, Lacy.

SPEAKER_03 51:55

And I'm like, like I've I've just I just felt fell to my knees.

SPEAKER_01 52:06

I couldn't I can't explain to you, like the relationship I had with my dad was like parent trap or whatever, you know, like all the those like movies, like that that was me and my dad my whole life. And I just couldn't, I couldn't and all I could say to my dad was I love you, I love you, I love you. And now looking back, I'm like, fuck, I should have said this, I should have said this, but I was just so blacked out. And uh yeah, I stayed on FaceTime with my dad until he died because it was in Wyoming, and I just was like, I I don't want to get high, I don't want to do this. So that's hard. Like, man, I haven't dealt with it any of it. I can't deal with it. I just can't. So I and even like waiting to get picked up to come here, I wanted to call my dad. He would be so happy. All he wanted was me to just get better and help people and look at me today. I'm better, I'm helping people, I'm clean, I have the boys back, I'm married. It's just so sad that my dad couldn't see this, and that's like the things I grieve every single fucking day. It's like, man, my dad would have been so proud. And you know, he picked me up from prison, and I'm very grateful for that because if he didn't fly in from Wyoming to pick me up that day, I wouldn't have been able to see my dad before because it had been years because I was using drugs, and like I asked someone to come pick me up and they wouldn't. And I was so mad. I was like, what? You won't come get me four hours away? Like, you bitch. And they're like, Thank you for being a bitch. Thank you. Because if you would have came and got me, I wouldn't have seen my dad again. And but you want to know what moral to this is I did not relapse. Is I did not relapse. I wanted to, and I didn't do it. I didn't do it, and what stopped me is thinking about the boys being told your mom's on drugs again.

SPEAKER_03 54:06

I said, I can't do that. There's no way I can't do that to them.

SPEAKER_01 54:11

So I didn't do it. I didn't do it, and that's like a big achievement for me. Like when all the worst case scenarios have happened in your life, you're like, Yeah, bring it on. Yeah, you really can't hurt me because the worst imaginal things have happened to me.

SPEAKER_02 54:26

The universe has literally come for me multiple times. You can't do it.

SPEAKER_01 54:30

You cannot do it. You can't touch me, brother, because like I've survived a lot. Like you can try, but I still talk to my mom.

SPEAKER_02 54:38

You know, we have each other and stuff, but it's huge to make it through days like that, but I know that there's probably days not as intense where stuff comes up because it's life and it's always gonna life. How do you how do you maintain your sobriety through through just life?

SPEAKER_01 54:58

Honestly. My husband my husband and my boys. That's just honestly what gets me through. Like, I just don't allow myself to go to that place. Like, yes, I get pissed off, yes, things happen, yes, I'll cry. But I'm just like, nothing, everything is gonna be okay. I like that's like my everything works out. It really does because I remember being like, I ruined my life, my life is over, I'm going to prison, wow, blah, wow. And I always think to where I'm at now. And that's like always what plays in my head. Like, yes, and how small things are. Like in the grand scheme of things, like, yes, something could be so giving us anxiety, and we're so stressed out, and we're like on this little floating rock. Yeah. I'm like, I know. Like I think about my years and five my life in five years from now, and I'm like, it does that, do I remember five years ago? No. No. And I always do that in my head, and that's what helps me like calm down. Kind of ground yourself. It grounds me. Yeah. Remembering how small we are. That's what grounds me. Yeah. Like I'm like this big.

SPEAKER_02 55:58

You are tiny.

SPEAKER_01 55:59

Yeah. You know, tiny one. And I'm like not under a microscope. You know how we always think like people are always watching us.

SPEAKER_02 56:05

And like nobody cares. No. You shared about your second year of prison kind of being like a restoration period. I want to know more about that, but also like, what were some small wins that you felt while you were still in prison in your sobriety?

SPEAKER_01 56:21

When I would graduate my classes.

SPEAKER_02 56:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:24

Yeah. I would like get a certificate and I felt I still have them. No, it's nice because you're like, I'm here, but I'm still accomplishing things. Yeah. I tried to do everything I could. That you could only do certain things that they allowed you to do. I tried to sign up for Fire Crew, which is diabolical because I would not make it to even day two. But I was like desperate to get out of the prison. I'm like, I'll do anything. The little jobs you would do because you made like a certain amount of cents a day. And uh pennies, man. Yeah. I'm all, hey, hey, I need to get that wrong. I'm racked up 49 cents today. Yeah. Who wants dinner? I need the oatmeal cream pies. Like, I you have to have money in there to literally be comfortable. If you don't have money, you're very uncomfortable there.

unknown 57:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 57:05

Getting out, how do you kind of like learn to say no to like toxic friends, past relationships, drugs?

SPEAKER_01 57:14

Yeah. Well, I wouldn't. I was never in a position where I was around drugs. That's like absolute no. Like, I will not hang out with anybody who's on drugs. I did have a couple friends that were still in addiction that I actually did go and see. She like knew better than to have anything around me, but like I just loved her so much. And I just wanted her to see me and see that I was doing good. So I was like, I just that was like the exception, you know, was seeing her. Um, but I wouldn't put myself around addicts where that was exposed to me.

SPEAKER_05 57:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:43

And I was really good with my boundaries. Like if somebody was toxic for my life and the way they acted, I would straight up say, like, I don't, I it's not good for me to be around you. Is that self-love I hear? I so did you learn some self-love? I did. Yeah, some boundaries. Yes. It's beautiful. I'm not afraid. Like my husband, he still struggles with it. I don't know. He used to be a drug dealer. He had a big name for himself in that life. So I feel like in the in the beginning of like him getting clean and getting out, he was kind of like embarrassed to be like, I don't want to be around you because you are on drugs. He couldn't like get himself to do it. Yeah. Oh, then there comes me. The big all of his friends were calling me the P.O. I'm all, okay, guys, sure. But like I'm protecting our life. Yeah. Like, what do you want? So it's it's still kind of harder for him to do it, but oh, not me. I'm like, I've worked so fucking hard. I am not going to risk all of this to what, hang out with you? Like, nope. Yeah, because I can't say nope at somebody.

SPEAKER_02 58:43

Yeah. Yeah. What is the signature phrase that you would tell the younger version of yourself who thought that everything was over?

SPEAKER_03 58:53

I would just say, hold on tight. Bunker down. Like it's not over.

SPEAKER_01 58:58

You know? It's not. I'd probably do some things differently a little bit, but not much. I honestly don't feel like I would change going to prison. I wouldn't change. Of course, if I could take away the hurt I caused my children. Yes. But I feel like everything that happened to me, like you said, made me who I am today. So I would tell little Lacey to just hold on. You've got on. You got this. This isn't the end.

SPEAKER_02 59:27

I love that. That's beautiful. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing your life. You are such an incredible woman. And there's so much amazing stuff that's still in store for you. I can tell. You're so lovely. Tell people your socials where they can follow you. What are your handles?

SPEAKER_01 59:44

Baby Lacey XOXO, but it's BBY. That's on TikTok. Um, Instagram, Lacey BrookXO. Yeah, come see me.

SPEAKER_02 59:53

Follow her on all the things. Thank you all so much for joining us. Uh, we'll see you on the next episode of Recovery Cast.