Ripley Coope | Binge Drinking, Severe Anxiety, & Choosing Sobriety at 19

Can you survive severe binge drinking and trauma in college Greek life? Ripley Coope chose sobriety at 19 and is now a youth recovery advocate. In this deeply moving episode of Recoverycast, we sit down with public relations graduate and young adult recovery advocate Ripley Coope. Ripley shares her raw, inspiring journey navigating inherited mental illness, childhood eating restrictions, major depression, severe anxiety, and hidden solo alcoholism while maintaining a seemingly perfect front in a high-stress college sorority environment. From blacking out on cheap box wine, vodka, and tequila to jumping out of second-story windows and surviving multiple traumatic sexual assaults, Ripley highlights the extreme, painful realities of a severe alcohol use disorder before finally choosing a beautiful life of healing.

Find mental health and addiction treatment near you: https://recovery.com/

Her inspiring path to long-term relapse prevention didn't follow a traditional 12-step or Alcoholics Anonymous blueprint. After facing painful withdrawal symptoms, losing a job, and experiencing profound suicidal ideation, Ripley found her true turning point through comprehensive psychiatric support and incorporating naltrexone for alcohol cravings. She explains how she chose to hard-launch her sobriety journey directly to her peers online via social media, proving that youth addiction recovery is fully attainable. This powerful addition to our collection of sobriety stories challenges the heavy social stigmas surrounding alcohol dependency, offering a message of hope, vulnerability, and immense purpose to anyone currently struggling in isolation. If you or someone you love is navigating mental health struggles or seeking long-term addiction recovery, please subscribe to our channel, leave a thoughtful comment, and share this video to help spread awareness. Shout out Lila!

⏱️ Chapters:

00:00 – Intro

05:21 – Welcome Ripley Coope

05:44 – Childhood Mental Health Struggles

11:44 – First Drink & Binge Drinking Progression

23:42 – Hiding Alcoholism in College Sorority Life

29:25 – The Balloon Arch Incident & Real Consequences

34:05 – Campus Arrests, Trauma, & Executive Board Probation

40:58 – Experiencing Withdrawals & Moving Back Home

51:31 – Transferring to CU Boulder & The Turning Point Relapse

01:03:21 – Psychiatry Support, Naltrexone, & Choosing Sobriety

❓ Questions the Video Answers:

1. What does alcohol use disorder look like in high-achieving young adults?
2. How can you spot the hidden signs of high-functioning alcoholism in college?
3. What is the impact of heavy binge drinking on mental health conditions like depression?
4. How do you handle alcohol withdrawals while living in a college sorority house?
5. What are the common challenges unique to seeking youth addiction recovery?
6. Can changing your immediate college environment help with long-term relapse prevention?
7. How does naltrexone work to reduce alcohol cravings and support daily sobriety?
8. What should you do if a loved one experiences suicidal ideation during an active relapse?
9. How can you build an authentic, supportive recovery community using social media?
10. Is it possible to maintain an active, fun social life in college while remaining sober?
11. How do you process trauma and sexual assault without relying on substances to cope?
12. Why is complete honesty with your medical team and therapist essential for emotional healing?

#SobrietyStories #AddictionRecovery #YoungAdultSobriety

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I got super wine drunk in my guest bedroom building this balloon arch and then jumped out of a second story window in my bedroom, got in an Uber, went over to some like random guy's house, phone dies, woke up the next morning when I'm supposed to be at my grad party. And then I like showed up to the grad party look in a hot mess and like someone gifted me a tarantula, like so weird. Someone showed up and they were like, I didn't know what to get you, so I got you a spider. What?

SPEAKER_04 0:25

I was like, so why the fit you?

SPEAKER_03 0:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Hi everyone, and welcome to today's episode of Recovery Cast. I'm Brittany Bainard.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

And I'm Sam Roberts. Brittany, welcome back from vacation.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Brittany's been gone for a couple weeks. Uh hence the glow. Hence the glow up. Uh how's Greece? Glow up. Oh my gosh, I'm so starting.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Hence the No, I get it. Yeah, yeah. Uh Greece was amazing. It was such a relaxing 10 days. Can't wait to go back. Yeah, absolutely loved it. Thanks for holding on the fort. Of course. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

I uh guest hosted uh this episode today while Britt was gone. We didn't burn down the studio while you were gone. It still looks gorgeous. You get to listen to this one just as a listener.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

I'm excited. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Ripley, uh, our guest today was genuinely one of like uh my favorite conversations that we've had. That's so cool. I asked our uh editor and production assistant Max afterwards, like, hey, how'd I do? Uh how was the episode? And he told me, hey, dude, don't be offended by this, don't take this the wrong way. You could have been a brick wall in the episode would have been amazing because Ripley was just so well prepared.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

So that's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

Um super excited for you to hear it, for you to hear it. A couple things today, as always, with housekeeping. Brittany, normally I'm uh gabbing at you our reviews and comments, but today I'm gonna have you read the comments from two recent episodes.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

Okay, exciting. So this one's from Harley Frost. I've just heard Maggie's story before. I love listening to it each time she shares it. In July, I'll be two years sober, and following her through her journey has helped me so much. Harley Frost, congratulations on your two years in July.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

That is so exciting.

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Yeah, that's super cool. Uh, thank you so much for reaching out and saying that. We're rooting for you. And in July, we'll be celebrating you. Uh okay, next one. This is my first time listening. And to get introduced to y'all with this episode, I'm hooked. Yay! Uh, very inspirational, informative, and eye-opening. Don't quit before the miracle happens. Wow. Uh, that is so true. Don't quit before the miracle happens. Yeah, thank you so much. Narcissus oh nine. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

Narcissus Narcissus O9. Narcissus. You, you know who you are.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

You. Thank you so much for taking the time to write that. And that was a really cool episode.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Yeah, that was on Justin's uh episode, Justin Crump here. Um, and yeah, it's just like if you just came for for the guest, uh, some of you listening today are just coming for Ripley, amazing. Ripley's story is amazing. And that'd be totally fine if you came, you pieced out, you skipped the intro and housekeeping and just listened to her story. But uh if you do keep coming back, that's like so encouraging to to for for people to be like, oh, I came for blank person uh and I'm staying because these all these stories are inspiring. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Yeah, and we have so many cool episodes that have already come out that you can catch up on and get to know some more really cool inspirational stories of recovery. So check those out too.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Yes. Okay, as always, thank you so much for writing in, for leaving comments, for leaving reviews. You can always write in to us at recoverycast at recovery.com. Quick transition, I just want to give a note heading into this episode. Like I said, I'm so happy for you all to hear Ripley's stories. Two topics that do come up in this episode uh are suicidal ideation and sexual assault. We take super seriously that those are heavy topics and can even be triggering for people. And so we just want to let you know right off the jump and ask that you take care of yourself if those things are triggering to you or have impacted you or someone you love in some way. If you need to skip this episode, that's totally fine. If you're in uh a bad place, please uh reach out to somebody um that you know and trust, uh, reach out to a professional. If you are looking for uh treatment, obviously recovery.com has tons of resources and treatment options. Um but if you are in crisis right now, call 988, uh pause this video, um, talk to a professional and get help, and please just take care of yourselves.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

And with that, let's get into the episode.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Hello, everybody, uh, and welcome to Recovery Cast, a podcast about mental health and addiction, recovery, the joy of recovery, and the journeys that led us there. I am not Britney Baynard. I am uh your guest host for this week, uh, Sam Roberts, filling in for Britney while she's out. She'll be back next week. Um, everybody, please comment, um, bring Britney back uh so that uh we know that you've made it this far in the video. We are so excited, though, for you to be here. It'll be a great episode because we are joined by the amazing Ripley Coop. Ripley is a public relations graduate who chose to hard launch her journey through youth addiction and recovery directly to her peers online. After years of balancing state school Greek life with a severe hidden struggle against inherited mental illness and daily solo alcoholism. She claimed her sobriety at 19 years old and now uses her platform to advocate for young adult recovery awareness. Ripley, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_03 5:23

Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 5:23

I'm so excited to be here. Good.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Super excited to hear about your recovery story. Your story is unique because uh you found recovery young. And I'm really excited for our listeners to like just have an example to hear from. So before we get into your addiction recovery story, I would just love to hear what childhood was like for you. What was 10-year-old Ripley like?

SPEAKER_03 5:44

I have no idea. I don't really remember my childhood. That might be alcohol-induced. We're not entirely sure. Or like, I don't know. We know it was happy, like nothing really that bad happened. But when I was like 10, 11, that's when I started to have mental health symptoms present. Like I was full on like self-harming before I even knew what that was. So I really like got in there early. My parents have always been my biggest advocate. I'm an only child. I feel like that is also a big part of things. Like I did meet a lot of only children in rehab, which was interesting. Like we kind of end up here sometimes. Um, but it's definitely just an interesting way to grow up, like very like lonely, but now I'm a very independent person. Um, so I've always just like been by myself pretty much. Um, my parents are my friends, like it's not always been that way. We used to have a pretty difficult relationship, just like being a teenage girl. Like, I feel like that's just how it goes with parents. Like you can't get along with your mom at 15. But at 10, yeah, I my mental health stuff started really with like major depression and anxiety. I had no idea that that's what it was at the time. Um, it all really started weirdly with like eating stuff. Like I packed my lunches from a young age, and like I would just like restrict the fuck out of myself from like age 10. Like I'd pack like a singular carrot for lunch and thought that was normal. And then people started like telling their parents, and then it got back to my parents. My mom was like, So what is happening to you? Like, why are you not eating? And I was like, I don't, I don't know. So I went to a therapist and I hated it. And it they were like, you gotta journal, like you gotta talk about your feelings and tell your mom like all these things. And I was like, so absolutely not. That's not gonna work for me. Like, I don't want to, first of all, don't want to talk to my mom, don't want to talk to you, and also don't want to like talk to a piece of paper about it either. Like, I'm not gonna sit here and like write out my feelings and still like that is something I'm not able to do. But that kept me away from like therapy and treatment for mental health for a really long time because that was like the only thing that they wanted me to do. They were like, journal and talk to your mom. And I was like, so uh-uh.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

Yeah, the two things I don't want to do.

SPEAKER_03 7:42

Right just so that didn't last very long. Therapy like didn't go very well. We tried a family therapist, she turned out to be like crazy. She has her own lore, like in my hometown. Like that is a whole other thing. I feel like just adds to it that like my therapist herself turned out to be crazy too.

SPEAKER_04 7:56

Oh shoot.

SPEAKER_03 7:57

But that like really didn't go with go well with the family therapy dynamic. Like we just did not, I don't know, we don't know how to communicate with each other like we do now that I'm an adult and I don't live in the house. Right. That helps. Like you can get some space, but we just like never knew how to communicate with each other. I never knew how to like communicate what I was feeling and like just spent all my time in my own head, like just thinking about it. So gone to therapy really young, but it just like didn't work for me. Like I really didn't like it. So I stayed away from all of that for a really long time and just kind of like dealt with it on my own.

SPEAKER_04 8:31

Right.

SPEAKER_03 8:32

And I thought it was just like normal, but apparently that's not normal at all. So there you go.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

That's super interesting. What as like you're struggling with mental health stuff young? Do you know at that time, like, can you put to words, I am struggling with this?

SPEAKER_03 8:47

Or is it just like I am who I am, and people are telling me that that's incorrect or yeah, I never really like until I went to rehab and they gave me the feelings pillow where you have to like pick out like the word that you're feeling. And like that was the first time that I ever had to like put a word to my feelings. So I could never describe it, and that made it really hard in therapy too, because I didn't know like how to talk about what I was feeling either. And I never really like saw that anywhere, like anybody talking about their feelings in a way that like I understood until I like got on YouTube and started watching like Tana Mojo and like those kind of icons like she raised me. Like that's my other mother, like mother mojo.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Tana Mojo, please come on Recovery Cast someday. Tana Mojo, I love you.

SPEAKER_03 9:29

I oh my God. I saw her podcast live. Oh, really? Best day of my life.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

She's incredible. Yeah. Okay. So do you feel like when they tell you like you're gonna go see a therapist, you have to write your your feeling sound stuff. Are you like, ah, they have seen what I can see? I have been feeling bad, and other people can see that. Or are you like completely unaware of like what nothing is abnormal? What are you guys talking about?

SPEAKER_03 9:53

I mean, I've always been a I've never like shown that I something's wrong. I've always been able to keep up a good front and like that that will never change. Like even when I was in rehab, like I was posting on Instagram as if that was just like at home for a week. Like it was not like, I don't know, the world never knew when something was wrong with me. And like in school, I felt like very isolated. Like I would be like going home and like feeling all these feelings and like thinking all these things, getting like bullied all day at school, like as one does in middle school, and then going home and like feeling all these things and like just very isolated. Like I have always been by myself. Like I don't have a ton of close friends, like my family's like my closest friends, and like that's just like how I operate and like how I always have. Yeah. So I never really was like talking to my friends about how I was feeling or anything like that. Like I was just like sitting with it, and it was very isolating. Like, I just thought that's how you dealt with it. Like you just do it yourself and move on and like get it done. So I've really put all of my like energy and effort into academics in school and like being good at that stuff and keeping everything together. And so, like, since my life was together, like nothing was wrong. So, like the way I was feeling is fine because like everything was fine. So I didn't really like think much of it. And I when I was like reaching out to my parents asking for help, it was like crying out for help. Like they didn't know something was wrong until like something was really wrong. Like it was not like I don't know, there's never been like an in between of like, hey, I'm not feeling so great. Like it's either like I'm doing great or like I'm in a complete crisis. So I haven't like up until the last couple years, didn't find that middle ground of being like, hey, not feeling great right now. Yeah, I'm doing in between bad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. So that's super interesting and helpful, I think, context to just know. For my next question, could you just tell us the story of like your first drink and how that started?

SPEAKER_03 11:44

Um, I had alcohol around in my house growing up. My parent, my mom's from Texas, my dad's from Canada. My dad's family is like still in Canada. So I grew up around my mom's Texas side of the family where you can like drink some of mom's martini. Like, she'd always give me her drunk olive out of her martini. That's the thing like I think I miss the most because that is so good. I love olives so much. But no drunk olives for me anymore. But I always had like her drunk olives, and then I get like a little taste if they had like a fun drink at dinner. And that was just kind of always the case from what I remember. Like, I get like a little thimble of champagne at Christmas, like while my parents had champagne, and they just like wanted to expose me to it to like prevent me from like going crazy. Whoops. Um, I had my first drink that I got for myself when I was 13. It was like winter break of my eighth grade year, and I was like just being a little shit. I was 13 and I was like trying to like be cool. My friends and I were like just being rats, like texting in our little group chat, and everyone's like, I'm gonna steal alcohol from my parents. So I stole my parents' gray goose, didn't realize how expensive that was at the time. Um, stole my parents' gray goose out of the freezer, took like three shots of it, made a vodka crayon, texted my friends about it, and then promptly got caught the next week for it. My parents found the text and they were like, Yeah, our vodka out of the freezer. So then all the alcohol went upstairs, like up to the top cabinet. And I didn't really like go back and try any of it again for another like year and a half until I started drinking like socially with friends and then figured out how fun that was, and then I started doing it all the time. But I like my first drink, like I don't remember like a lot of people like in meetings and like from what I hear, they're like, I remember my first drink, and like I love that feeling. I have no idea. Like, I cannot tell you. Like, I'm surprised that I even remember that like it was Greg Oos and Vaga Cran. But like I don't know, like it was not like off to the races from that point on. Like that came kind of later. It was like a later awakening of that, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

Yeah, yeah. So how does it progress from there then?

SPEAKER_03 13:42

In 2020, it was the beginning of the year, right before COVID happened. I was about to turn 16, and I like had this like awakening in my brain of like, oh my god, I'm a conscious being and I can like exist and have fun, have friends, and like go do things. And like school doesn't have to be the only thing that I do all the every day. Like, oh my God. So I started going to like basketball games at school and like hanging out with friends. I broke up with like my first ever boyfriend, and I was like Snapchatting all these guys. I was like, okay, I'm so cool. Stole some alcohol from my parents from like the upstairs cabinet and just started like Snapchatting guys in my room, and that just became like my hobby. Like I'd go to the basketball game, yay, fun, come home, like get drunk and Snapchat guys in my room. And like that just became my hobby. And then COVID happened. So it just like bad mix.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:28

So then like my bedtime changed to like 4 a.m. And then I would be like just drunk in the middle of the night all night, and it was just not great. Like, and even at that point, like I never drank like a normal person. Like, it was like four shots back. I have a video of it, it's like four shots back to back of just straight vodka, no chaser. Like, like, what is wrong with me? And that was at like three in the morning on like a Tuesday during COVID. So it like it really like went from like nothing to that very fast. Like, I I don't even think I saw where that change happened.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

All gas, no breaks, just yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:04

All gas, no breaks this has like always been how my life goes. Like, I just do things 125%, like all the time. And drinking was not an exception whatsoever.

SPEAKER_01 15:16

Yeah. Did you know at the time were you like, oh, this is a lot?

SPEAKER_03 15:19

Or did it just kind of no, I'm just like, I'm a tank because I'm also like not a big person. Like, I'm like five, five. At that time, I was like literally like 4'10, like not even 100 pounds, just like absolutely downing alcohol. So then I was like, okay, this is like a good hobby. This might be like something I'm good at. Like now I'm like, I can take down all this alcohol and I'm this little person. And like people thought that was cool when you're like 16 and you're starting to drink for the first time, and like everyone's like, oh my God, she can drink so much. And so that just became my thing. So I was like always drinking, like when we were out doing stuff. And like my mom actually like successfully convinced me that I would be allergic to every drug that I tried because she's allergic to every prescription, literally ever. Like anytime we have to go to the doctor, like it's like 20 minutes of her just like listing off her allergies. So she like really convinced me that I would be allergic to drugs. So I never really tried anything. And I would just like drink while everyone else did whatever they were doing. Cause I was like, I don't really care to try that. Like, I probably will be allergic to it, like honestly. And like I know I can just like be really drunk and have fun with that. So like I just fun. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. But like do that instead. So like stayed out of that world, thank God. But like I dabbled a little bit in like freshman year of college, but like I was scared for the most part. Scared straight. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

Yeah. Uh-huh. Scared straight while meanwhile.

SPEAKER_03 16:39

Meanwhile, like doing the absolute most heinous shit ever.

unknown 16:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Do you feel like at the time, did you like get any sense like, oh, this is also masking some mental health thing that I'm struggling with? Or not at all.

SPEAKER_03 16:54

Like, I completely I didn't connect them at all for a long time. Like until I was like probably like 18. Like, I really didn't think about it that way. Like it was, it fully was my hobby. Like, I didn't realize that at all until I got to rehab and they were like, So what do you do for fun? And I was like, I don't. Like, I drink, like, that's it. Like, that was my hobby. So it that was just like all I did. I don't know. It was not not ideal.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And is there anybody in your life that's like, hey, Ripley, I think like you drink different than other people, or is it totally just like not really?

SPEAKER_03 17:28

I didn't really get that until I got to college. Like, people didn't really like say anything differently. And like also with like the culture I grew up in in like my hometown, like it's definitely like a more like well-off area. Like, I can't say that like I'm from that same like place of life that like my peers are for sure. But like a lot of the people I went to school with have money and like they had access to alcohol and access to drugs. Like my school was called Crack Canyon, and like there were people ODing in the parking lot. Like that was just like the drill, but it was like not like a like sketchy OD. It's a nice school and like a wealthy kid. And like that definitely made for an interesting environment. Like people really didn't say anything because I was doing what everyone else was doing, and like that was just kind of like normal. I was doing it times 10 for sure, but like no one really saw that. Like I was kind of hiding it pretty well, honestly. Um, and then once I got to college, my freshman year roommate, God bless her, she like really saw all of me because we were best friends, like lived together. Like she was the first person that like really saw how I drank behind the scenes. And she like started to question things like why I was drinking, like when we got home from the party. Like, I would always have another drink when we got home and like pass out with a drink in hand. And like that was like, she was like, Hey, like, why do you do that? Like, people don't do that. Like, that's nightcaps aren't a thing when you're 17.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Right, right, yeah, yeah. You're not like I just got done working in the mines and I'm coming home to yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:51

Like, no, you just got home from teak at Arizona. Right, walk the fuck in. Yeah, but yeah, no, just like small stuff like that. And then, like, once I got into my sophomore year and things were like really bad at that point, like she was there, like being like, You are clearly visibly drunk, like you cannot go out into public right now, like that kind of stuff. And she really was like the only person that ever, other than like my mom who like can read me like a book, like no problem. She was the only person that really ever said anything. And like that stuff stuck with me for sure. I know that was definitely not easy for her to do and stick up and like say that stuff, but I think about that still.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

So looking back, I'm I'm assuming at the time you're not thinking like, you know, ah, alcohol, this will make me, you know, my anxiety go away, or it kind of just like happens. Yeah. Does it seem like looking back, you're like, oh, this masked whatever mental health stuff I was struggling with? And it was like, I'm good at this, and I'm come kind of coming of age, like yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:48

A little bit. And also, like, I was still dealing with my mental health stuff. Like, I had it completely separate. Like they were living in like two different worlds in my head of like my mental health problems and then like going and drinking for fun. And I got medicated, I got on Zolaft when I was 17. My mom and I are on like the same dose. Like, I don't know why we didn't do that when I was 10, but like I understand like trying to like rule out everything before you can get to medication. Like, totally understand that. But like, we're on the same dose as Zoloft, got on that, it went really well. And like that helped a lot for a long time. And I was heavily drinking on that too. So, like, that really probably didn't put me in a good place. Tried therapy again in high school. Like, once I got like a job, I was working at Starbucks, they do like free therapy sessions. I think it's like 10 a year or something. I tried that, it matched me with a man, and I was like, why would you put me with a man therapist? And then, like, that was just a whole thing. He like said some weird stuff and then he ended up ghosting me. So I was like, no, therapy bad. Like third time, like I tried it three times. Like, right, you're not getting me back in therapy. So, like, I really tried to like work on that, I guess. Like, I knew that was a problem and I needed to handle it, and like there were things that I could be doing to help my mental health. I just like stopped at medication. I was like, medication, I'm good. Like, that's enough for me. No therapy, like that's fine. And I never connected at all that like when my mental health was going worse, like my drinking was getting worse, and like that kind of stuff. Like that realization came a lot later. Really didn't connect the dots for a long time on that.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

Yeah, it's crazy the stuff that eventually a good therapist or a friend or a family member will be like, What about this thing? And just for us in the moment, we're like, What are you talking about? That thing, you know, it's like having a car that's not running, and you're like, You're missing one of your tires. You're like, Well, that's just the tire problem. That has nothing to do with the engine, you know. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 21:33

It's interesting now. I my boyfriend doesn't drink and he like lived a he was oh, he's an athlete, like D1 athlete. Like, that's all he plays hockey. Like his thing is hockey. My thing was like blacking out in a ditch for a long time. And like he's grown up like not really going to parties, not really drinking until he got to college, like, did it like the normal people way. And so it's really interesting to like tell him these stories and see him just be like, What the fuck is wrong with you? Because I don't realize how not. Normal a lot of this stuff is until I'm talking to like a normal person and they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like you were jumping out of second story window in high school, like to go, what like what yeah?

SPEAKER_01 22:10

You're like, where's the problem? I'm not even to the best part of the story. Like exactly.

SPEAKER_03 22:13

So yeah, that definitely like keeps me on earth a little bit, like and on social media too, like posting like just what I think is like a boring story, and everyone's like, This is insane, like this is so crazy. Like, okay, sure.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

Yeah, it seems like a common theme that we see with like these interviews and with people we see on social media is it's not until you have like a change of environment where somebody else is like, so this is abnormal, you know.

SPEAKER_03 22:38

Yeah, and I like really have changed my environment since then. Like that is like two different worlds for sure. Again, like that is so foreign at this point. Like, my boyfriend is like, I can't even imagine you being drunk. Like, I I don't even I that's hard to imagine at this point. Like, it's been so long that like like I of course I will always remember it. Like, I remember the worst parts of it, obviously. But like the people in my life now have no idea what I was like drunk and like they would have hated me. They would have hated me. So I don't know. Like, that's kind of a weird feeling to sit with of like, if you knew me at my lowest point, like you would have hated me, but you'll never see that point again.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

So, like, so cool though to be like, this is you, like you in recovery is you.

SPEAKER_03 23:21

It's not like oh, I became you know, yeah, like a half a fake Ripley, like yeah, and now I'm me. Like finally.

SPEAKER_01 23:28

Yeah, that's so cool. Okay, I want to ask about getting into college, but first, there's one person in your life that I thought was so I don't know if funny's the word or what, but an adorable story. One person that would snitch on you. Can you tell us about your dog snitching on you?

SPEAKER_03 23:42

That's my baby, Lila Jean. Yeah, okay. Lila Jean is my Aussie. She's eight now. She doesn't act like she's eight, she acts like she's three. She's the worst behaved dog in the entire world, but she is my angel baby, and she's so good for me, for my parents, absolute rat. She needs attention at all times, barks, like she runs the house. She has more anxiety than I do. Like, get that girl Zola right now. She, I got her when I was about to be a freshman in high school, and I like at that time my mental health was like down in the dumps. And she and I spent that whole summer before my freshman year of high school, like just together when she was baby baby. So we're like bonded for life. She is my my ride or die. She is such an intelligent dog. Like they have such Australian Shepherds have such a like very emotionally intelligent way of living. It's very odd. Like they know too much, they're too smart for their own good, and like they can open doors both ways and then like also like understand that you're having a mental crisis. Like it's very odd. Um, so she's always been my biggest op. She hates when I'm drunk, and she can tell immediately. Like, it could be like a sip of alcohol. I could be blacked out on the ground, she'd know. And she won't like spend time with me when I'm drunk. And when I was living at home, that would crush me because she's my best friend. Like, I don't have siblings. I didn't grow up with siblings. Like, she's my sibling, she's my best friend. Like, I don't have a lot of close friends, like she's my girl. She would not come see me at all. Like, she would go like go mope around to my parents too, and like let them know. Like, she'd go like clue them and like tap them and be like, look what's going on, and go snitch to my parents and like tell them that I was drunk because it's just like good for her, honestly. Oh, totally.

SPEAKER_02 25:23

She's she's a real friend.

SPEAKER_03 25:25

And then I have another one that just like she's just happy to be there.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

Yeah, she just doesn't even know if she's alive. She's just, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:31

No, she has the big blue eyes, kind of like mine where you can like see through the back of her head, like not a thought in there, but she's so sweet. But that's amazing. Lila brat.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Dude, brat, but amazing. We hear lots of stories of being like, yeah, I had a friend that would be like, You're not you're you when you're drunk. This is the first one I think I've heard of a dog being like, you're not you when you know literally. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_03 25:52

Well, it's kind of funny too. Like my mom came up with this, so I had no credit for me here, but she like I really struggled with the whole higher power thing when I like first got into the recovery world. Like that kept me out of AA for a long time, and then it kept me from like really committing to like doing sobriety work for a long time just because I was afraid of it. Like I had religious connection in the past, whatever, just like got away from it. My mom believes in dog, like she doesn't believe in God, she believes in dog, and she like thinks of dogs as her higher power. So, like these little like angels of dog are here to like protect and keep you safe, and like they're just there to like remind you like why you're living and doing all the good things. And I like to think of that. Like, I don't really have a defined higher power relationship. Like, I know it's there, otherwise I wouldn't be here. So, like, that's good enough for me, honestly. But like, I like dog, I like that. Like, I don't know, especially Lila. Like, she is she's dog for me.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

Shout out to dog. Yeah, big dog. Shout out Lila. That's amazing. Lila, if you're listening to this, shout out. Okay, so you get through high school through uh most of the plague. Uh you've got some people in your life. Your parents have a front row seat, Lila has a front row seat. Yes. Going into college, so you're you don't, yeah, it sounds like your freshman, your roommate's the first one to be like, hey, this is abnormal. Cause I wanted to ask, like, are you nervous going into college? But I assume you probably excited. Yeah, you're just excited. You don't even think that there's a problem to be no.

SPEAKER_03 27:14

I really thought that like I was just doing the normal thing. Like, I like in my world I grew up in, like you just party in high school, like my parents both did it. Like, it's just like how it is. And like I thought the way I was doing it was normal, wrong. Like, yeah, it's normal to go to a party. It's not normal to like be that drunk all the time and like by myself and doing all these things. Like, that's not normal. I really thought that I was gonna do like the SEC, like Bamar Rush, like go do all of that in the South. And so I applied for like all of these different SEC schools. I got into all of them. Like, I academics has always been my thing. And like, that's the one thing that like I've always been able to like keep working on throughout all of this. And I got into all the schools, turns out like came down to money, as it does. The place that gave me the most money was the University of Arizona, which is also like the best place ever to be an alcoholic because it's spring break all the time, and like you just don't have to go to class, like just drink all the time. So I was super excited because like that was a perk. Like it wasn't what I was going for, but that was very exciting. So it's like 90 and sunny, and like everyone's in a bikini, no one go cares about school really. Like that was the biggest problem I had with the of it is like people just my peers didn't care. Like I needed to be like pushed academically, and like that just wasn't happening. Like people's priorities were elsewhere, and that's where my priorities were too. Like at the end of the day, academics was number one, but like alcohol was right up there, like 1.5. Like, so I it was a weird like way that I ended up there. Um, but like definitely probably the worst place I could have picked for myself, just like the conditions of it. But I don't know, it's a weird environment for sure, because a lot of people behave like that and no one really says anything. So, like it's honestly surprising that someone at U of A even had something to say about it. Like, I like that's also what makes that so much bigger about my roommate like standing up and saying something is like we're at U of A. Like this is normal there. So that was definitely interesting. But I wasn't really like nervous going into college per se. Like I I was very excited to like go live the college life. Like I thought that was the next step for me to like go frat parties and do all that.

SPEAKER_01 29:20

Yeah. Do you remember any stories from that time that looking back, you're like, oh, it got really bad?

SPEAKER_03 29:25

Oh, yeah, it got really bad this summer before I went off to college. I told a story on my TikTok with my grad party that I like ruined. I the night before my graduation party, it was like this super nice graduation party, and we were doing it at a Maserati dealership. Like my friend that I was doing with her mom, she's in like all these pageants, so she has like every connection in the world. We got this super nice venue. We're getting Chipotle catered, like it's this super big thing, like all the decorations. I got tasked with building a balloon arch. What do I need to do to build the balloon arch? Get wine drunk. So I got a box of Francia red wine, which is like weird for me. I'm always a white wine girl.

SPEAKER_01 29:59

Yeah, red wine class classy Franzia for you.

SPEAKER_03 30:02

Oh yeah, Pinot Griege in a bar. Like, yeah, oh my, yeah. I'd take it out of the cardboard and just like have the sack, usually. But yeah, no, Franzia was uh one of my good friends back in the day. But I got super wine drunk in my guest bedroom building this balloon arch. And then I jumped out of a second story window in my bedroom to sneak out of my house, like walked all the way around the house. Like we live in like the forest, low-key. So it's like a hike. I hiked out of my house, wine drunk, got in an Uber, went over to some like random guy's house, phone dies, woke up the next morning when I'm supposed to be at my grad party, and I'm like 45 minutes away with no phone, a guy I'm not supposed to be with, and my parents thought I was at home. So, like they walked in my room, I'm not there, the windows open, and they're like, oh my God, she's dead. She's literally dead. Like, she has a graduation party, her graduation party in an hour. And like, she's dead, like nowhere to be found. My mom like ended up tracking me down, and like I, the Uber pulls into my driveway. I just see my dad standing there. And he's like the sweetest, most gentle Canadian man. Like, he is so precious. I love my father more than anything on earth. I have never been more afraid of him in my life than that moment because he was so mad. Like, I thought that he was gonna like go like beat this guy up. Like this guy was gonna be six feet under. Yeah. And like it wasn't he who was mad at me, like obviously, but like he was more mad at this guy, and it was like just scary. And then I like showed up to the grad party look in a hot mess, and like someone gifted me a tarantula, like so weird. Someone showed up and they were like, I didn't know what to get you, so I got you a spider. What?

SPEAKER_04 31:34

I was like, so why the fuck would you do that?

SPEAKER_03 31:37

On top of the like evening I just had, like, that was just a cherry on top, honestly. But yeah, that was one of those where like the consequences came raining down on me after that because, like, obviously, like you can tell by looking at me. Like, if I showed you a picture right now, you'd be like, Oh my god, that girl blacked out the night before. So, like everyone there knew like that I was just like a mess. And my parents like were super embarrassed by it, and they had like spent all this money to make this like nice party, and we've gotten this great venue, and like I just went through all that away the night before, just for fuck all. So that was the first time that like I really got in trouble and like felt the consequences of my drinking. Like, my parents knew I would go out and like party and like drink and do all that, but like as long as I had a safe ride home and I was my home by curfew and not like doing anything crazy, they were pretty much fine with it. And like that was the case for most of my friends too. Like, that was just like how it was done at by the other parents in our town. But yeah, that was the first time where I was like, whoa, that's a little crazy. But I didn't think at all, like after that, that like my drinking was the problem. Like, I was like, Oh, I just went a little too far. Right. Like, I it didn't clock to me at all that like normal people don't do that. Like, you don't need to be wine drunk to build the balloon arch in the first place, actually. So, like none of that would happen probably. But yeah, that whole summer I would just like I had a fake idea at that point. I got it the very like halfway through senior year. First month of having it, I was a regular at the liquor store and they'd like have my order for me when I walked in on Fridays. And that whole summer I was just like drunk the entire time, just like, but it was never like anything interesting. Like I just like black out my room or like go like take a shot in my car and then like drive around, which is like so fucked up and it's really bad. But unfortunately, like that is the that is part of my story, and people get mad at me when I talk about that online. But like, like I understand, like it is a really bad thing to do, but I did it. So like I'm gonna tell you about it.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

Yeah. So how does it progress in college then? Like, oh god.

SPEAKER_03 33:37

Well, it just became like every single day at U of A, Arizona. They have parties pretty much every single day. Like it's Tuesday through Saturday, like there is like a defined plan party on the schedule. And then Sunday, Monday, like there's sometimes things and like Super Bowl parties, like random shit like that. But most of the time it's like five days a week where you're just going out and like a lot of those times too, you're like going out during the day and then going out again at night. So it's more like just straight binge drinking that when are you going to class? I actually did go to class. Like I was probably like one of the only people that like class all the time.

SPEAKER_01 34:12

School.

SPEAKER_00 34:18

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SPEAKER_03 34:43

Until I was like passing out and unable to make it to class, like I was in class and actually there. Um, my first semester of college like went okay. Like I would go out and drink like all the time. And then on nights where I wasn't going out and drinking, I'd like have a drink or two or like five in my room and just like fall asleep drinking. Um, and then I got arrested my freshman year for a crime I did not commit. It was like kind of a fucked situation. I got arrested for possession of stolen property because these guys had come over to my dorm room and like ripped down all the exit signs in the dorm room and all the signage and the hallways and stuff, put it in my room. And I was, I had a tequila night. So I was like not on earth. Like I was not present when I got a noise complaint, like, not mentally present when I got a noise complaint and opened the door. And the RA saw like all the exit signs in the room, and she was like, So I actually have to like call the police.

SPEAKER_01 35:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:37

And I had a panic attack to the cop, like told the cop I was drinking, all the stuff. Ended up like going through and like fighting the case down and everything. Like, it's just because the stolen property was in my room. Like I was guilty of that because the property was in my room. So like I went through, did all the things I needed to do. But that, like, really, I was like, oh my God, like I gotta like get this under control a little bit. So I that was in November of my freshman year of college. So I kind of laid low for like that last month. And then that next semester, it was just off to the races. And I ended up blacking out really bad at a party and getting assaulted my freshman year second semester. And it like, I don't know, it was a weird situation, like just like kind of gross. But woke up the next morning, like never felt like that mentally until that point. And I just immediately like physically like went to go drink and like just started drinking straight vodka at like 9 a.m. Yeah. Got dressed, went to a basketball game, and like acted like nothing happened. And that just like started a real downhill spiral from there. Like the first time I drank in the morning that day, like it was just downhill from there. And that was something I do like a couple times a week, honestly, like after that point. And like it was more of like a compulsion thing. Like at that point, like it wasn't even like my brain like thinking through, like, I'm gonna go grab a drink. Like, my body was doing it before my mind could like you just do it, even like yeah, regulate it or clock it or anything. So that was really where it like turned into, I would say, like really alcoholic drinking behaviors. Like I never drank normally, but like that's where it got really bad. Like after that happened and I drank in the morning, like it was never remotely normal again. Like nothing normal happens. Right.

SPEAKER_01 37:20

You cross the line. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:22

Also in my freshman year, I like I have always I can never sit still. Like I will be busy at all times. I ran for the executive board of my sorority. So, like the group that's in charge of the entire sorority. And I actually got on like as a freshman. And that like is kind of rare. So I was on like my little power trip, whatever. But I was like really putting in the work for that. That position put me through the ringer. I was the diversity, equity, and inclusion director. Like taking a look at me, you're probably like, what are you saying? But like I do know Vall, I promise. Like I really like learned so much in that position. And I did a lot of work for like women's rights and education activism in that role, which was really awesome. And I learned so much about like different cultures and such, but that really was like not in my comfort zone whatsoever. And the stuff I had to deal with that in that role was just that shit. Like we had a racist house mom. Like there's just like like crazy signs and stuff all over U of A's campus that like I was in charge of like dealing with the fallout of within the chapter. Like it was just crazy stuff that like made things unnecessarily stressful. And so like that also drove me to more drinking too, because I was like, oh my God, like I literally am going to explode. Like, how am I supposed to deal with this?

SPEAKER_02 38:32

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 38:32

Um, so that was interesting for sure. And then I did sorority recruitment and active alcoholism. That was interesting. And I ended up getting in trouble on like the very last day of sorority recruitment because I was like visibly drunk and we were not supposed to be drinking. Like it's a big no-no to drink during sorority recruitment. And it was bid day where like everyone runs back to the houses and like you meet all the new girls that are coming to the sorority. And I got in trouble because, like, five minutes before the girls were supposed to be like coming to us, I'm visibly drunk and like falling over. Yeah. And I like ended up getting put on probation for my position on the executive board from that. And that sent me into an absolute spiral. Like that was the end of the world because like that was my world at the time. Like that was all I was doing. And like that's where all of my 125% energy was going towards. And I got like that taken away. Like I've never been in trouble like that before either, like, where I've been on like a probation or like had to like step away from a role or anything. So that was rough. I really like took that very hard. And it was also combined with just like a really low point of my drinking too. Like that summer in between my freshman and sophomore year, I was drinking constantly. Like, after like what happened my freshman year, I'd started drinking during the day. Like that didn't stop over that summer. I'd just be drinking like the entire day. Right. Um, and I was working two hosting jobs at restaurants and I was working 14 hour days. So I'd like work one job from like 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. And then I'd have an hour and a half where I'd go like drink a beer or two that I stole from my parents while I got ready and then went to my other job where I'd work until like 10 p.m., get off, go home, too tired to like socialize, blackout, wake up, still drunk, hung over, keep drinking, repeat, like go to work the next day. So I was just in like shambles after that summer. Then I get back to U of A. Same thing continues, but like I'm still like going to class. So I was like going to class like drunk most of the time, honestly. Like whether it was like drunk from the night before or like that morning. Um, so it was just like a very steep decline from that point. And then I got put on the probation and I was like completely in shambles. So family weekend was like a month and a half into school, and my parents came out a week early. We're from Colorado, it's like not that bad of a drive. So they drove out and they were gonna like hang out for a week in Tucson. And they did that the year before, and like it was just like their little thing. Like, it wasn't like they were concerned about me or anything. They were, but like that week was like quite possibly like one of the worst weeks ever. I was trying so hard to like hold it all together, but I could not at all. And that weekend that they got there, like the next weekend was family weekend. I was supposed to work, I like had transferred my job. So I was supposed to like go work my job in Tucson. And I woke up like physically ill, like throwing up for the first time. And that had never really happened. Like I never really had that happen when I drank, like other than when I'd like really overdo it. But it was like my first time having withdrawal symptoms, like I know now.

SPEAKER_02 41:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:39

Um, it was like that violent, like vomit, like acidic vomit situation. But I was in my sorority house. Like I'm living in the sorority house. I'm like 18. Like I so I was like just violently withdrawing, I guess, in my sorority house bathroom. Somehow, like made it through that weekend. Like everything that I went and did with my parents, I was completely drunk. Like there was a big event on Friday, the week that they were there for the business school, because I had gotten into the business school early and I was like a semester ahead of school. It was like this big deal, big celebration, like honoring the fact that I was like going into the business school early and my parents were gonna come be there. I woke up like passed out during the day, woke up like 30 minutes before I was supposed to be there, threw on an outfit, was like sprinting through campus. I had high heels on and I was like stumbling through campus and like falling all over the place. Like I can remember it so vividly to this day. I like got to the event and like I had to like walk across a stage and I like stumbled across the stage and like you could tell I was drunk. And the people like that were like running the event could tell I was drunk and they were like, What's happening on here? Yeah. My parents after the event, like they came and like saw me and they were like, What is wrong with you? Like, why are you drunk right now? So they basically like sent me home to the sorority house to like sleep it off because the next day we had like a football game and the tailgates, and we were gonna go to like the parties during the day and everything. And they like sent me home to sleep it off, and they were like, What is going on? Like, really concerned at this point because like this whole week has just been like bad. Then we have this and wake up the next day and I'm like, Okay, like I'm gonna try and make it through. Like, we had a sorority event in the morning. So I went to the event and then got ready for the parties, went out to the parties while we're out at the parties. Like, I got super drunk and I just like started having like a meltdown to my parents basically of like I am not doing well mentally. Like, I I really thought it was like my mental health. Like, I was fully planning to like exit the next like within like that next couple of days because I was just like at such a low point with like both my brain and my body. Like one of them was gonna fail. I didn't know which one was gonna happen first. So I was like, I need help, like something's not right. I am really struggling and like I need help. And my parents were like, What help do you need? Like, what what do you want? And I was like, Well, I think I need to like get out of here. Like, I can't be in Tucson anymore. So they helped me, like, I passed. All my stuff up, put my stuff in my car, and like moved out the next day. And they started looking into different treatment options for me. Like at that point, like in that conversation, I never I didn't admit that I was an alcoholic until a lot later, like months and months later. Um, in that conversation for the first time, though, I was like, I the way that I drink is not normal. Like, and you said that? I said that in that conversation. It's like I I was kind of like forced into saying that they're like, okay, so what's actually happening? I'm like, the way that I drink is not normal. Like, tell me you're an alcoholic without telling me you're an alcoholic. Like, that's a way to say it for sure. But like, I really didn't think at that point at all that I was an alcoholic. And like, I just thought I need like had mental health stuff I needed to get under control, stuff like that. So I ended up moving back to Colorado, and my dad worked in the insurance world. So he like went through insurance to find a treatment center for me. And I went and like did a trial like session thing at a treatment center. Weird. They had like these great Danes there. I was also drunk for it. Like I showed up drunk to I feel like a lot of people do that, like show up drunk to your first day of rehab. But like, well, normal people wouldn't, but normal people don't go to rehab. So show up drunk to my first day of rehab, and they had like great Danes, like it was a weird experience. There's just dogs waiting for you, Scooby-Doo's waiting for you at the I love dogs. Like I that's my thing. So they like showed me a dog and I was like, yeah, I want to go here. And then I had like a really weird therapy session with their like introductory therapist, and she asked me some just like really weird questions, and I was like super uncomfortable leaving. And I was like, Yeah, like you had me on the dogs, but like the rest of it, no. So I was really afraid like going into when I actually went into like the rehab that I ended up picking um for my session there. Cause I was like, not only do I have to like go tell another stranger my entire life story and like everything that's wrong with me, like I have to do it again and it's rehab and it's all these things. And like I was in therapy at that point, like the summer before my sophomore year, when I was just like drunk all the time. My mom, I ended up having like a breakdown to my parents about it again, blaming it on mental health. And my parents stuck me in therapy again, and I was so mad. I was so pissed off.

SPEAKER_01 46:07

And yeah, I you have not had good luck with therapists.

SPEAKER_03 46:09

No, I hate therapists, and like I well, not anymore, but I hated Pest tense. You hated therapists. I love my therapist. Shout out Erica. Um, I got put into therapy and it was like an introductory session. I did do two intro sessions too, so I was like royally pissed off because they did like a main one and then they match you with somebody based on that one, and they match me with my therapist Erica. Love her. We've been like I've been her client since then, and like I really had to push through that first couple months because I was like, I really did not want to be there. And like we laugh about it now in our sessions of like how much I did not want to be there. Like, I was like forced into therapy, but I managed to tell her everything but the alcohol piece. So like I had therapy, but I wasn't doing it right. Like I wasn't telling the truth. Like, your therapy is not gonna work if you're not being honest, and like that's kind of the same situation with rehab. And I really like I don't know, I'm a tryhard in school, and like that didn't change when I went to rehab. Like, I was a tryhard in rehab for sure. Like I wanted an A in rehab basically, and like that was my goal. Like, I wanted to like be good at rehab, and like I didn't, I wasn't really in the headspace of like, I want to get myself in a good place. Like, I just wanted to like get good at rehab. So when I went in and like I did an IOP program, intensive outpatient program. So I was there for four hours a day, four days a week. And then we had like additional therapy sessions and stuff, and it was a young adult treatment center, which was awesome. And it was ages 19 to 27, which is great. I was 19. I was the youngest in the room by like five years. Like it was not a young adult treatment center. But also, like I've had a lot of trouble just in the recovery world in general with like young adult stuff. Like, I'll go onto a young adult Zoom meeting and it's a bunch of 55-year-old and uh people. And I'm like, so you're actually not a young adult. I really understand that you're young at heart, but like there are 20-year-old alcoholics in this world that are looking for a meeting that you're not supposed to be in. So I don't know, that's kind of weird thing too. Like, they're just the young recovery world is like not really where I am. Like, I'm just my recovery environment is like a lot older than most other ones. So, because people in Boulder, Colorado don't get sober until they're like 80. So in the like, I I was, I don't know, there were a couple people like close-ish to my age, but no one really like had the same lifestyle I lived. And like no one's like from a state school and Greek life doing all these things. Like, they're all like 27-year-old construction workers who are in sober living and like haven't they're well post-college days. Like they've done this, it was like 10 years ago for them. So it was just different. I don't know. And like I really tried in rehab, but I didn't think that I was an alcoholic. Like, I did not believe at all that I was an alcoholic, but I'd also like get out of rehab on Thursdays and just drink the whole weekend. And then like I figured out too, like, I'm a small person, I can get things in and out of my body pretty fast. Like, I can get alcohol out of my body within 24 hours. So I could be drunk until like Monday, and then I go to rehab Monday night. So I like really just cheated my way through the entire thing.

SPEAKER_01 49:04

And you're still like, there's not a problem in your head.

SPEAKER_03 49:06

No, like the alarm bells were going off of like, this isn't normal, this isn't normal, something's wrong. But it was not, I'm an alcoholic for like still months after that. Like, I like graduated rehab, I went and transferred schools, I got into like a new job and all this stuff. Then I lost the job because of my drinking, and like that's like my one story that like I won't touch yet. Like, that's just a hard one. But like I lost a job because of my drinking, and like that really forced me to like look at things and be like, okay, like you have now graduated from rehab, you have transferred schools, you are in a new situation, like you're still like this this ain't right. So I in rehab, like I really didn't think at all that like I needed to be sober. Like I thought that moderation like was something that was possible for me. Like, I really thought that I was able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 49:55

You're still like I can drink normal eventually. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 49:58

I thought I like I know Riley's talked about this too, about like thinking that you like are in rehab to like learn how to drink like a normal person. Like I was so in that mindset of like I'm here to like learn how to moderate and learn how to do it normally. And like I can fix my mental health, so then my drinking won't be as bad and like do all these other things. Like, I was trying to loophole any way I could. And then I finally like got out of rehab. I ended up transferring to CU Boulder. I was like, I can't go. University of Arizona is just not a productive environment for a sober person, in my opinion. Like, say what you want, but like I just don't think that you can be a I can't be sober person there. Like, I've gone back and visited, and like I just don't enjoy it really. Like, it's too hot, first of all. But like, I don't know, like I would not put myself back there.

SPEAKER_01 50:43

Yeah, you made a choice to like change your environment.

SPEAKER_03 50:45

So I went to see Boulder, which is another party school, and people had a lot to say about that too. They were like, you're going from one party school to another, blah, blah, blah. But like, I have a totally different perspective of Boulder. Like, I grew up going to games there. Like, my parents went there, my grandparents went there. So it's kind of like, I don't know, like familiar for me. So I had a different kind of perspective of it than the party school version. Like, I definitely went up to Boulder in high school and like went to parties and stuff. So I got a taste of that, but that wasn't like what I knew Boulder as in like my heart of hearts. So I ended up moving into my sorority house there too, which is just like prime setting. Like there's just alcohol everywhere. There's not supposed to be alcohol in the house, but there's alcohol everywhere. So it's like field day for an alcoholic. And at that point, too, I was like a klepto when I'd black out too. Like I just like steal everyone's alcohol and not have no memory of it. Like I owe so many people drinks, like so many.

SPEAKER_01 51:36

Right. Um, it's probably you're probably past the statute of limitations now.

SPEAKER_03 51:39

You're probably like once I get a big girl job, like I'll pick you back, maybe. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. Yeah. But yeah, that was an interesting situation for sure. So I moved into the sorority house and they like there knew about my situation from Arizona. Like the two sororities had like it's the same sorority, just like two different schools of it. They had like talked with one another and like been like, she's she has an alcohol problem, basically. And that like pissed me off. I was so mad because I wanted a fresh start so bad. And like they knew all this. And I like my first week there, like I tried to go out and like drink like a normal person, and like I got invited out to like go to a party. So I like went and did that.

SPEAKER_01 52:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:20

It never like it can't go normally for me. Like, it I it starts with one drink and then I wake up four days later with like $400 of DoorDash charges and like bruises and injuries and like stolen vodka next to me. I'm like, okay, no. So that was just kind of my pattern for like a couple of weeks there, and then got the job that I lost and like really was like broken down after that point. And I was like, okay, I gotta get my shit together. Like, I had been waiting for the time where it was like I lost a job because of alcoholism. I got a DUI, like because of alcohol. Like, I didn't think that I was that bad because I wasn't there yet. And then I was like, okay, I'm there. Like I've I've made it to the group where it's like you lost a job because of your drinking. Like you have a problem. So obviously. So I ended up going to a recovery meeting. It's kind of like an AA meeting, but it's like a student one at CU. And that was the first time I ever admitted that I was an alcoholic. I introduced myself as an alcoholic for the first time at that meeting. And it was people like I'd never met before. It's like six people, and they're all like 24-year-old dudes with like big bushy beards. I'm like, no one looks like me in the boulder recovery world. It's really weird. And I don't know, it was definitely like nerve-wracking seeing that for the first time, but like freeing for sure. I was like, okay, like, and seeing it in an environment where you're like, okay, these people also understand. Like, this is there's no judgment here. So that was good. And then I started finally going to AAA for the first time. And like, I don't really work like a traditional program. Like, it's just not my thing. Like, my grand grandpa actually was like a writer for AA. Like, he did a lot of like writing for like employment and like recommending people into AA, like for employers and stuff. So, like, I have a lot of family connection to it, but like it's just not my thing. Like, I don't, it doesn't really work with my life in a way that's like productive for my sobriety. So I really tried AA at the beginning, like in that like couple months there. I was like trying to go to a meeting like almost every day. And it was mostly just to like keep myself busy. Like, I like would just be bored. And then, like, yeah, FOMO and like boredom was always my biggest trigger in like rehab and just in general, like I just would get bored and antsy, and like that's what I would do.

SPEAKER_01 54:28

So, what happened at some point? I'm hearing like at one point, you're like, I'm doing rehab drinking on the weekends. And then at some point you're like, I'm going to AA meetings trying to be productive.

SPEAKER_03 54:39

It's after I lost that job and I also got assaulted again. Which is like, like when it happens once, you're like, okay, then it happens twice, and I'm like, okay, kind of have to think about my involvement in this situation because I've now put myself in this situation twice where like I'm in danger and I've put myself in a vulnerable position where I've then been hurt by somebody. So like I don't, I'm not blaming myself whatsoever. But like I did not put, I'm not setting myself up for success by like being blacked out to the point of unconsciousness in a frat basement in a tiny outfit. Okay. Like that's not a safe situation to be in, especially the way that I was doing it. So it ended up happening again. And I woke up that next day and I was like, oh shit. And my it was my mom's weekend. Like I have a terrible, terrible luck with like things happening on like family weekend and mom's weekend. Like, we just don't have good luck in the coop house with it. It was mom's weekend, and my mom was coming up. And I showed up to her hotel room drunk that day because I had been drunk all day because I woke up after Vegas Holder and I was like, ooh, yikes. And I showed up to her hotel room drunk, and she was like, What the fuck is wrong with you? And I told her like what had happened and got on like an emergency session with my therapist. She made me take the coldest shower of my entire life. The hot water in our hotel was broken and she didn't believe me because I was like drunk and like blabbering. But I was like, the water's really cold, like it won't warm up. And she like went to get in the shower later and she's like, I'm so sorry. Like that's the full shower in my life experience. But like, whoa. Yeah. So like having her there was really helpful. And she stayed for like a couple extra days to make sure I was like gonna be okay before she left again. But that happened within like two weeks. I lost the job, and then that happened the next week. And at that point, I was like, Yeah, I gotta like something has to change. It's all coming down like right now. Like this, I don't know, like all the things I've been waiting to happen to tell me that I'm an alcoholic are now happening. And like I gotta like at that point, I knew in inside that like I had to do it, but I wasn't ready yet. Like I just I I don't know, it's like still like you're itchy. Like I just still had like an itch to scratch, and like it just wasn't done yet until it was done. And I went out with a bang. So that was that was bad.

SPEAKER_01 56:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, so I do want to say really quick, I'm so sorry that you were assaulted ever, but let alone a second time. And I'm glad that you say that you know it wasn't your fault because it's a hundred percent for sure wasn't the guy that did it, it was his fault. Yeah, fuck him. Um, yeah, yes, don't assault people. It's not that hard to not assault people. Yes. But yeah, it sounds like all these things, tell me if this is correct. These things are adding up that you tell yourself, like, well, I'm good, because I would never do blank or blank thing wouldn't happen. And then they're happening.

SPEAKER_03 57:16

Yeah, the not yet.

SPEAKER_01 57:18

Yeah, yeah, the not yet start happening. But that totally makes sense that you're like, yeah, there's still this itch because you've been pushing, I assume, the boundary back further and further for the five plus years leading up to this.

SPEAKER_03 57:30

Yeah, just like turning a blind eye to everything. Like when I'd hear an alarm bell like mute, like that's I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 57:38

You tell yourself like when that alarm goes off, I'll do something. But also you've gotten very used to hitting the snooze button on the alarm up to this point.

SPEAKER_03 57:44

And also, like I I was an 18, 19-year-old sorority girl. Like what I was doing is seen as normal. Like, I also like you can't like it's kind of I hate having this conversation bring it up this way, but like looking the way I look, like people don't expect you to be in rehab and turn out to be an alcoholic. And like there's a lot of judgment that has come with like that part specifically, and it's been just like very isolating in the recovery world, like a lot of judgment from people in the recovery world because they're like, well, you're just like a sorry girl, and then like I don't know, it's like a weird in-between. Like, I don't quite fit in with like the normal people who like can drink and go out, but I also don't fit in with the sober people who like don't believe that you should like like you can't go out and party and like do all these things. So like my life has not really changed that much, like other than the fact that I took alcohol out of it. Like that first summer I got sober, like I was at the bar every night, like the underage bar with my fake ID that I'd like get Red Bull at. Right. But like I still like my life really didn't change, and people were super judgy of that. Like, just like I don't know, I don't fit in any of the worlds ever. And it's never been the case. Like, that's just fine. Like, I know that now, but that was a really hard thing to deal with. Like, right when I was trying to get sober, because like there's just so much everyone has to say about it. Like, you're not even 21 yet. Like, how do you even know if you're an alcoholic? I'm like, girl, I know. Right.

SPEAKER_01 59:00

Yeah, yeah. You have the receipts to plenty. But I'm hearing you say this. You have so much self-awareness and self-confidence, you know. Today, what happened? Like, what is there like a day that you're like, I'm done drinking, or is it like a series of weeks of kind of stumbling into like I don't drink anymore?

SPEAKER_03 59:19

I had kept trying to get sober, like I would do it for a couple days, and like I'd stay sober like Monday to Thursday, and then Thursday night would come and like it would just like it, I couldn't stay on to it. Like I something was missing, like I was missing like one last piece of things that like I couldn't quite hold on to it. Like I could get a couple days and then like that was it. So I never picked up a 24-hour chip because like I knew I could stay sober for 24 hours, but it's like longer than that. That's the question mark. So I waited to pick up a chip until I had 30 days because I knew that I like could do that in between. And that's like the like one to 30 days is really what I struggled with. Like I would get like 10 days and then it would I'd like go back, go right back. And it always started with like one drink. Like my final relapse started with one drink. It was one shot that my neighbor in the sorority house asked me to take with her, and then I woke up four days later, like wanting to die. Like good.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:11

And it's just I like every time I would like take a drink, it would end up like that. And like it got to a point where I was like, I'm gonna die. Like it's going to, it's going to end. And like something like needs to change. Like, I don't know what needs to change, but that day I woke up drunk in my story house bed with alcohol that I'd like stolen from people in the house, like, no idea where I got it from. It had been like four days since I had like been out at a party drinking. And like that night, I had like injured myself on my way home, and then I got locked out of my room, and then I had to like get my room unlocked, and then I went over to some guy's house. Like, it was just all bad news. Like, nothing good was happening that weekend. And I woke up and I like for some reason that day was able to like reach out for and like ask for help, which is hard for me. Like, that's like obviously that's not an easy thing to do, but like I am really not one that asked for help. Like, I am independent through and through. And I that day ended up calling my best friends from home that I like were my best friends in high school, and they both went out of state for college, so they were not in the state. And I called them and I was like, I am gonna kill myself, basically. Like, I some it's really bad. Like, I need help. Like, I can't do this anymore. And one of my friends from home, Cole, he's my best friend of all time. He we've been best friends since we were like four, and he had actually moved home for the semester. Um, he was like inspired by what I did the last semester, where like I had to move home for like my mental and physical health. Right. Um, he did the same thing. So he was actually living in Colorado and he was able to drive up to Boulder and come pick me up. And I he was in the middle of his work day. Like we worked at this Italian restaurant in our hometown, and he was like working at the Italian restaurant. My parents were at the bar eating at the Italian restaurant when I called him to tell him that I was gonna kill myself and that I needed help. And so he's like on the phone with my parents or on the phone with me, staring at my parents, and he's like, Oh my god. And my parents like knew immediately that something was like wrong with him because he's like their other kid. Like my dad, like he's my dad's favorite child. Like, no shade to me. Like, my dad loves me, but he loves Cole all more, and like he's not even his kid. So Cole ended up like he like didn't want to like freak my parents out because like I don't want to be like, hey, your kid's trying to like off herself right now and older. So he ended up getting off work, like drove up and saved me basically. Like some girls in my hallway had like come into my room because they heard me like having an absolute meltdown in my room, just like screaming, crying, like, I don't want to be here anymore, like detailed plans as to how I was gonna do that. Um and Cole ended up like coming and picking me up, and they all like helped me pack a bag. He put me in his car. I passed out, he told me we were going to a hotel, and I woke up in my parents' driveway. And I like woke up and looked out the window, and I like felt really relieved. Like I knew it was done. Like I knew that that was it, like that like tomorrow, like was my like sobriety day, and like I it was done. Like I've arrived. And I didn't really have another choice at that point. Like I was going to die, like if I didn't do it. So I woke up that next morning in terrible shape, and Lila actually did come hang out with me, which is very sweet. So yeah, Lila and Reva, the not very smart one, they like came and hang out with me. Um and that next morning I got on a call with my psychiatrist. Like they had we had I'd gotten with a psychiatrist through my therapist like a couple months before that, and we changed the dosage on my antidepress on my Zolaf, my antidepressants, and it was way too high. Like I went complete zombie for like that last month. So I was like also a zombie in com like in what combination with like the like relapse trying to stay zober, period. And it was just bad. Like I didn't feel any emotion at all. So I got on that call and I was like, fix it now. So I got back on my original dose, added an extra anti-anxiety mid, and then got on um naltrexone, which has been like my game changer. I got on naltrexone that day, and like I'm still on the same dose, probably will be the on that for the rest of my life for the peace, peace of mind of it, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:18

Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:19

But that I think was like being able to ask for help and then also like having the help of naltrexone was the things that like pushed me into actually being able to get and stay sober. And I stayed at my parents' house for like a couple days after that because I was like going through withdrawals and such. And I like watched all modern family all the way through that. People were like, How do you get through withdrawals? You watch all of Phil Dumfey, like everything that Phil Dumfey has to offer. Yeah, and that's how you do it. Um, and then like five days later, I went back up to Boulder because I had shit to do. Like, I after I got off the psychiatrist call, like we got on a call with the place that I went to rehab at. And they were like, You need to go to inpatient right now. Like, you no level, like no level lower than that. Like, you need to go to inpatient care, like detox. And I was like, So I don't have time for that. Like it's April. I have school ending in like three weeks and formal next week. Like, you're not getting me to go to inpatient. So I was like, okay, like I'll figure it out. So I like buckled down. I my parents drove me up for like my classes and then to go get like clothes from the sorority house and stuff. Um, and I came back five days later. And my the house mom in the sorority, there's like an adult woman that lives in sorority houses to make sure like no one dies and no one is doing what I was doing. She sat me down and she was like, You have an alcohol problem. And I was like, Girl, I know. Like, thank God you're telling we're having this conversation now and not like three weeks ago. So we sat down and like she has been my one of my biggest allies through all of my sobriety. She comes with me to pick up my chips and like she made sure in that last month that I was living there that like anything I needed in the sorority house, because that's like a hellish environment to be a newly sober person in, like anything. I needed she had my back, and like I don't know if like the people in the house got told to be nice to me when I came back or what, but everyone was really nice to me. Yeah. So you're like, I'll take it regardless. No, I'm like not gonna think too much into it, right? But um, everyone was super nice to me, and like my sorority is Kappa, Kappa Gamma, and the our philanthropy is mental health, and we support a couple different mental health organizations, so it's like quite possibly the best situation I could have been in. Like all of these very like-minded people who are passionate about mental health, mental health awareness, and like recovery and resources and such, like that was a great group of people to be around during that time. So, definitely an interesting first month of sobriety. Like, it doesn't look like most people's for sure. Like I was like at formal, like at a party 10 days in and like completely fine. Um, but yeah, that was you had so much support though.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:49

That's so amazing.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:50

I really did.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:51

And that like I could not have done it without that. Like my family, first of all, like they have carried me through all of it and they've gotten me help at every step of the way. Like, and they've no idea what to do. Like, none of us have known known anything about recovery until like I needed to go do it myself. So it's been a lot of learning for us, but it's yeah, my support system is incredible.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:14

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:15

And I just want to say too, like, I before we like rush past it, I'm just I'm so glad you're here. And I don't just mean like on the podcast, we are glad that you're on the podcast. Thank you for coming again. But yeah, I just, you know, I I met you this morning. I don't know your parents, I don't know Lila, but I know that they're so happy you're here. And Lila is so happy you're here. And like Yeah, she'd be so mad. Yeah, she would be so pissed if but you know, so and I just I say that so because I hope that you internalize it. I say it because I need to internalize it for myself, and I say it because I hope that people listening know that like when you're in that low spot, it becomes just so commonplace. Like you just think like there's an easy way out of this, you know, and like everybody wants you to stay, you know. Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:00

Um I've spent so much of my life like in that place, like I totally understand it. And I haven't been there in so long, which is such a weird thing, like having so much freedom from feeling like that. Like now that I've like really like taken the time to fix things in my life and like make sure the pieces all fit together, like before I like I don't know, like throw something at the like structure there. Um, yeah, I I don't know. It's definitely weird. I like and like the social media aspect with the mental health piece is like so heavy. Like, I my generation growing up with so much social media has been it's really interesting to like see how we handle mental health. And like I think we have a lot more conversations about it, at least like in my world, like the people that I interact with and have conversations with, like, we have more conversations about it than like my parents' generation for sure. But there's a long way to go. And like, if it's as simple as like your dog wants you to wake up tomorrow, like that's what it's gotta be. And like, I didn't I think it was that simple for me. Like that Lila is like at the end of the day, it's always Lila. And like there's also like this like slight hint of possibility that like I could have a greater purpose, other than just like being drunk in a bed all day long. So I was like, okay, like maybe I should give it a chance. Like, I've I've like I'm like a cat with nine lives at this point. Like, I should be dead, like I should have been dead like eight times. And so I woke up that day and I was like, okay, like we're on the last life. Like the fragility, like kind of set in. I was like, okay, like I'm gonna die if I keep doing that. Right. Yeah. So it was just kind of a like switch of mindset of like, I don't know, and being more comfortable with like understanding that like there is a purpose, but you don't know it. Like you just have to know that there is one. I don't know, terrible thing to come to terms with.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:45

It's like a hard process on the for sure. Right. Well, and it's just so funny. You say that, like, I don't know, there's like a purpose to my life or something, you know. But it really is amazing. And this is the stuff that I geek out about in like making this podcast and stuff is like like your story matters because it matters, like your life matters in and of itself, period done, end of story. And also the fact that some thousand people listen to this, if uh, you know, a slower week, like whatever, a hundred people listen or whatever. Somebody hears your story and is like, oh my gosh, I'm not crazy. Like my life has a purpose and I could get help. You know what I mean? Um, and how crazy that not only did you make it through that, but now you're like rippling out like other people are hearing your story and are like, oh, I could actually get better too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:29

Like, and that was like the one thing I felt like I was missing like early into my recovery is like I didn't see anybody that looked like me, that lived like me, that like had anything similar to the life I was living and like doing the things that I was doing. Like, I thought I was crazy. I thought I was batshit. And then I went to like an AAA meeting for the first time. I figured out I like speaker meetings because I don't like have to talk. Like I love to talk, but like I don't know, I like to listen to people's stories. So that was the first time where I was like, oh my God, like I'm not alone. Like there are other people in this world that like do this and talk about this, and like you can laugh about like getting like arrested or something like in an AA room, and then like normal people don't really do that. So that was really nice, like having that, but it's still there's like such a disconnect for me from like the stories I was hearing in my life. Like, yes, some elements are the same, but like no one was doing it young, no one was in a sorority, no one's finishing college, like doing it on time still, like living a like normal life. Like it's just a different thing. So, like if I can like, I don't know, I have no problem sharing my life. Like, if that makes someone else feel more comfortable with their own, like that's awesome. Like, that's the whole point. Cause that's just like all I wanted the whole time. And now I found so many people through social media. Like, it wasn't until social media that I found other people that like have similar stories to me, like the older recovery community, like again, like older, like more like crunchy granola folk. Um, like not necessarily my vibe, but yeah, it's I don't know. I social media is like my AA community, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:02

That's amazing. Just want to ask, like, directly, like, what has sobriety given you that you couldn't have before?

SPEAKER_03 1:12:08

Literally everything. Like, I the life I live today, like I was sitting in the hotel, I was in the hotel robe and like eating my little like sides that I order for myself, watching Euphoria. And I was like, oh my God, like if you told me like freshman year of college what I was doing right now, like filming a podcast, like getting flown out to film a podcast, that's insane. Like, I would not have believed that at all. Like my life right now looks 180 different than it did before. Like, I was successful before, I was doing things, I was getting good grades, I was involved in the community, I was giving back, but I was miserable. Like I wasn't enjoying anything I was doing. And like now, like I had to strip everything down to the point where like I was just like like skin and bones. Like that's all I was to myself, and like relearn myself, like relearn what I like, what I don't like, what like I want my life to look like, what I'm good at, what I enjoy. And like now that I've built that from scratch, like I can't very proud of my life. Like all the people in my life I'm proud of, all the things that I do, like I everything that I do like has a connection to something that's important to me. And like that's exactly how I want it. Like without sobriety, like if I still had alcohol in my life, first of all, I'd be dead. Second of all, like none of these things would exist. Like I wouldn't even like know myself to the point where I could tell you that I like liked dark green. Like I didn't have like a hobby, like I can do crafts and all these crazy things. And like, I don't know, sobriety's giving me everything. Like, that's I don't even know if I could like put right.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:34

No, that's fair. That's fair. Yeah, yeah. What if I was like, that's cheating? You can't say everything. Yeah. Liar. Right. Yeah. Uh-huh. Um, okay. So then last question, I'm gonna read it because Riley wrote it and it's well written. Uh, now that you've graduated college, you've celebrated to your sober, started sharing your recovery publicly online. What would you say to the version of yourself who is drinking alone in her room, believing nobody could possibly understand her?

SPEAKER_03 1:14:00

The world is really big and you have to get out in it. And it's really scary to do that. But uh like if it takes I don't know, the vulnerability will get you a long way. Like if you were just honest, first of all, with yourself, like that gets you miles. Like the second I was honest with myself, things started to change. The second I was honest with my therapist, things started to change. The second I was honest with my family, things started to change. Like honesty opens a lot of doors. And like it's really hard to be honest when you're embarrassed of like what you're doing. Um, but that's like the key to it. Like, you just have to be honest about what's going on, and like honesty will bring the right people to you. Like, I like share probably like the most embarrassing stories of my life online, and like so many people have come to me because of that. Like, it's the honesty of it all that like really I don't know. That's how you do it. People are like, how do you do it? I'm like, well, you have to be talking honest with yourself. Like, why are you drinking? Why are you doing that? Like, what are you hiding from? Like, you have to like open all the doors and like check under the bed for the monster. Like, you gotta do all the things. So I don't know. I I don't know exactly what I would say to like right younger self, like stop doing that, probably. Yeah, that'd be in there for sure. Uh like maybe consider water, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:17

Um hydrate.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:18

Yeah, I don't know. Just like I hate when people are like, just keep going. But like real, like that is right, that's the best advice.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:26

Right. We say it because it's real, like, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:28

Yeah, like and every single day, like unfortunately, this is still true, and like it's like kind of physically weird. So the sun is brighter every day that I am sober. Like I wake up every day and every day I go outside, the sun is brighter. My eyes hurt. It's been two years and my eyes hurt. Like when it will end, I have no idea. But like that in the beginning kept me going for a long time because like you wake up with a physical reminder each day that like the world is a brighter place with you in it and you doing life this way. And like, because you're doing life this way, like that's something you're able to notice. So, like taking like smaller stuff like that, like really compartmentalizing it and like celebrating small wins like that. Like, I'd get myself a gift every month and like, or like go get my hair done or something like that to like celebrate myself and like make sure the small wins are there because that's the most important part.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:13

That's awesome, dude. Yeah, dude, the world is so cool, and to be sober and mentally well and experience it is nuts.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:21

To be clear and like understand, it's insane.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:25

To yeah, see sunlight and appreciate the color green. Yeah, for real. Yeah, I thought green. Shout out green, shout out Lila. Uh we'll we'll wrap it there. But uh Ripley, thank you so much again for coming. Um, this has been so great. Uh for Lila and all the listeners uh listening, viewers watching, uh, what are your social handles? Where can people find you?

SPEAKER_03 1:16:47

My Instagram is at riply.coop and then my TikTok is ripply C. Should be able to find me just Ripley C anywhere.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:55

Amazing. All right. Um I'm gonna do something dumb. And if you listen this far, please on on YouTube or Spotify, comment shout out Lila, because I uh it'll let us know that you made it to the end. And I want my boss to be confused while everybody's commenting shout out Lila. Shout out Lila. And then you can read the comments to Lila. I'll like look. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:13

I'm seeing her in like two days. I'll be sure to show her.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:15

Yeah, that's amazing. Okay, thank you again so much. Thank you so much. Um, thank you all for uh listening, and we will uh see you next week for another episode of Recovery Cast. Goodbye.