Honestav | Parental Meth & Pill Dependency, Loss to Suicide, & Healing Through Music

In this deeply vulnerable episode of Recoverycast, musician and creator Honestav (Avrey Freeman) opens up about growing up in a household deeply impacted by parental substance use disorder involving meth, prescription pills, and alcohol. He candidly reflects on how a lack of healthy emotional coping mechanisms shaped his upbringing, how early warning signs were overlooked, and how his family endured devastating heartbreak through the loss of his brother to suicide and his father to a fatal prescription pill overdose. 

Find mental health and addiction treatment near you: https://recovery.com/

Honestav explores the challenging journey of navigating intergenerational trauma, grief, and mental health recovery while forging his own path toward emotional healing. He shares the raw story behind his viral hit song, "I'd Rather Overdose," detailing how a personal expression of pain unexpectedly transformed into a powerful sobriety anthem for listeners around the world. By sharing his truth, he highlights the importance of mental health support, authentic emotional expression, and community in processing trauma. Whether you are looking for inspiring sobriety stories, navigating grief after losing a loved one, or searching for hope in recovery, this conversation offers comfort and connection. 

If this story touched your heart, please subscribe to Recoverycast, leave us a review, and share this episode with someone who needs it.

⏱️ Chapters:

00:00 – Intro 

04:16 – Welcome Honestav 

04:40 – Growing Up Around Meth & Prescription Pills 

16:40 – Unheard Cries for Help & Mandatory Reporting 

23:48 – Sibling Loss to Suicide & Childhood Grief 

36:58 – Father's Prescription Pill Dependency & Fatal Overdose 

44:10 – Turning Trauma & Grief into Musical Art 

47:00 – The Story Behind "I'd Rather Overdose" 

50:28 – Viral Comedy Skits & Connecting with Fans 

53:50 – Tour Announcements & Final Words 

❓ Questions the Video Answers:

1. How does growing up with parents who struggle with substance use impact childhood development? 
2. What are the signs that a teenager is struggling with severe trauma and grief? 
3. How can creating art and music help process grief after a tragic loss? 
4. Why is it difficult for families to talk openly about suicide and overdose loss? 
5. How do prescription pill dependencies develop and escalate over time? 
6. What are healthy ways to navigate the loss of a sibling? 
7. How can creative expression serve as an emotional coping mechanism? 
8. Why do people turn to substances when experiencing overwhelming emotional pain? 
9. How does intergenerational trauma affect mental health in adulthood? 
10. How can listeners find connection through songs about mental health struggles? 
11. What role do teachers and schools play in recognizing trauma in students? 
12. How do you break unhealthy emotional cycles passed down by family? 

#AddictionRecovery #MentalHealthAwareness #GriefAndHealing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:13

I think what that song did is that it just clearly showed a lot of people that are in addiction or a lot of people that have dealt with it. It showed them like the what this does to a human.

SPEAKER_03 0:21

It's a beautiful song.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

I'd like 40,000 monthly listeners, and I like that. I was thinking, I was like, yo, this is that is huge. I was like kind of remote.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

As he twiddles his hair. I'd like 40,000 monthly listeners.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

It's really no big deal. Uh 2 million now, I think. 2.3 million. Google it in the girl. I'm just kidding. Um what the f are we saying?

SPEAKER_05 0:45

Welcome to today's episode of Recovery Cast, a product of recovery.com, a website where you can go and find mental health and substance use disorder treatment anywhere in the world. I'm Brittany Baynard.

SPEAKER_06 0:57

I'm Sam Roberts. Is that how you're saying your last name today? Baynard. You can keep it in.

SPEAKER_05 1:01

It's an inside joke slash outside because you can.

SPEAKER_06 1:04

You're inside the joke now, guys. Go back and listen, and you can see uh almost every episode, Brittany says her name differently. And it's Baynard. It's it's been well, I mean, it's up to you. It's not my call. But I mean, okay, so I've said it like four different ways. We were gonna get straight into the reviews, but I feel like we have to tell you guys this now. Uh inside joke that you guys are a part of now. Uh there's an episode where uh I can't remember which one it was. It was months ago. And uh Brittany introduces herself. She goes, Hey everybody, welcome to Recovery Cast. My name is Brittany Baynard. And I'm like, what the heck? You guys have I've been saying it wrong this entire time? So then I go and I'm like, How do you say your last name? I don't even remember how you answered. You either said Baynard or you're like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 1:42

Like, so anyway, it's it's been a point of contention my whole life. So if my family could just call and actually don't write it out uh phonetically, I don't get it.

SPEAKER_06 1:51

But you're not being gaslit, it's just you know.

SPEAKER_05 1:53

Anyone else struggle with how to say your own name?

SPEAKER_06 1:56

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you this. Uh Rebecca Coucher doesn't. That's you might stumbled on, I ruined the joke. Anyway, I have a review to read. Uh as always, uh, if you want to support RecoveryCast, you can like, comment, subscribe, um, and uh leave us a review on Apple Podcasts that helps other people find this freaking podcast. Uh Rebecca left a very lovely review, five stars, said worth the listen to exclamation points. I hope we're living up to that right now.

SPEAKER_01 2:23

Yay.

SPEAKER_06 2:23

Um, literally so inspiring. I'm not going through addiction, but I am having a hard time mentally. I still find this content relatable and I appreciate the community aspect. Thank you so much, Rebecca. I'm so glad. Um, and honestly, we hear that a lot. Like we make the podcast first for people who are early in uh addiction recovery or uh sober curious, uh, just because that's like our biggest audience. But we also want to make it in a way that it's applicable for anybody that wants to support those people, or uh there's just a ton of overlap with any sort of mental health uh recovery. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 2:55

And Rebecca, same. Um, I don't identify with addiction, but your girl dabbled, and it was a lot of mental health issues that uh we got the chance to work on finally. So And same. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So we appreciate you writing in with that. That's really kind. Our heart goes out to you, and we appreciate you listening.

SPEAKER_06 3:14

Um, okay. Today we have Honest Ave. Honest Ave. Abe was a cool guy. He's so funny. He is.

SPEAKER_05 3:21

He's hilarious. He's a card. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 3:22

He's a deck of cards.

SPEAKER_05 3:23

He is. He's got an amazing story, a really, really impactful story. Um, so we'll just start out with I know we do share a lot of hard stories on this podcast. This one is particularly hard dealing with suicide and overdose. So before we start, if you are struggling with suicidal ideations, suicidal thoughts, please pause this and call 988.

SPEAKER_06 3:48

Yeah. And if that's triggering for you at all, I mean, it was triggering for me just like helping film it. Do what you need to to support and love yourself. Either use the timestamps or like feel free to pause, come back to this later, skip this episode.

SPEAKER_05 4:01

We'll be back next week and we appreciate you, anyways. Um, but yeah, so just know that going into it. It's an amazing episode. We appreciate it if you stay and listen to it. Um, you're gonna get a lot out of it. He's an amazing human being with an incredible story. Um, and we hope you get to hear his music as well. Uh, so with that being said, let's get into it. Hi, everyone, and welcome to today's episode of Recovery Cast. Thank you for joining us. I'm Brittany Baynard, and we are joined by Honest Abe.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Honest Abe. Anyways.

SPEAKER_05 4:41

Yes. Thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for coming to Madison, Wisconsin.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_05 4:46

It's not your first time here, is it? Tell them. Madison, Wisconsin. I I yeah, I have an accent. I have an accent.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

No, it's not my first time here.

SPEAKER_05 4:54

Yeah. So I want to go back to uh we're gonna start the story with your childhood and kind of talking about being the child of addicts growing up, what that was all like for you. Um, so let's start painting that picture.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

So there was like eight people in my house. I had four brothers, one sister, but we also like lived in a house where like a lot, like my best friend's parents were like really, you know, off the deep end and they were like, you know, abusive and and they didn't like get a whole lot of food at their house, so they lived with us too. And then my oldest brother's like best friend's dad was a truck driver, and he was drunk, and he was never home. And so he lived with us too. So there was like 10 of us in a in a three-bedroom house. But I also want to say, like, before we get started, like, there's like whenever we talk about my childhood, like, my so I was I wasn't I grew up in a split home. I lived with my dad, and um, my mom was like farther off the deep end than my dad was.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Got it.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

And so, like, whenever you think of it, it wasn't it wasn't how like everybody, you know, I had friends that like grew up in houses where like their parents are like never coming home, yeah, strung out, there's needles on the ground.

SPEAKER_04 5:57

Day in, day out.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

You might come into their house and see their mom hung over the table. Like, I I've had friends like that. My parents weren't like that. My mom was like a uh, for like a lack of a better term, she was like a crackhead and she was really she like sold meth and she was like really, you know, far off into doing meth. But she was like um sh like I didn't live with her full time. And then my dad was like, he was addicted to pills. But it wasn't the type of household where you come home and you're like, oh my god, they're on drugs. Look at those strung out crackheads. It was more like under the cover. My dad was like high all the time, you know, he like hardly ever spoke to us. He like we never went outside, like we never went fishing, I never played casual with him. We never like, you know, my dad was like checked out all the time because he was high on pills and stuff like that. So like I don't want to like paint a picture where like my stepmom and my dad were like some crazy strung out tweakers because they weren't, they were just undercover at it.

SPEAKER_05 6:50

Yeah, they were like functioning again, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

Exactly. And and then uh eventually, you know, that that kind of took control of my dad's life and he became he couldn't function anymore, and he became like reliant on these, and he and then everybody knew he was on drugs, but that was like later on in life when I was growing up, like my my dad's house almost felt like a safe house from my mom being a tweaker. Now, like that I'm adult, I realized like I used to think like, why is my dad in his room 24-7? Yeah. Why can I not get him out of his room ever? And now I know because he was high on pills. So, like, before we, you know, get into stories and stuff like that, I just want to, you know, there's a big spectrum.

SPEAKER_05 7:23

Yeah, there's like yeah, it's and even when you're at your dad's house, you're comparing it to what it could be like at my mom's house.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

100%. Yeah. And then I'm also wondering, like, oh, why? So, like, whenever I was growing up, it was like whenever I heard about like drug addicts, it was always everybody was always talking about my mom. So I always thought like a drug addict just meant they were on mess and they were like speeding around all the time, and they were never in the house, and they didn't eat that much, and they and and that was it, and they and they were dirty, and and I never realized that like drug addicts could also be like a CEO. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, in a suit and tie. 100% in a suit and tile, or they could be, you know, working a nine to five, and and it's it comes in so many different shapes and sizes.

SPEAKER_05 8:02

Yeah, but when you're young and that's kind of like the narrative people are giving you, and kind of like they're putting those pieces together. Yeah, is that what like painted the picture of what an addict was? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

And then definitely like I think meth is just where I'm from, like like meth is kind of um Where'd you grow up? I grew up in Pierce City, Missouri. So I'm like southwest Missouri, the the bottom left corner of Missouri, and it's like there's I tell people all the time there's like 800 people when I was growing up. I think now there's like a thousand, maybe there's like 1100.

SPEAKER_04 8:32

Blowing up.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

There's no stops. Yeah, I know, right? There's no stop light. There's no light like in the town, except for like we have one gas station. And whenever I was growing up, there was a grocery store, but the grocery store is like not there anymore. Dang. Because the guy passed away. Oh, the guy. I know, right? Isn't that crazy? Like, that's it.

SPEAKER_05 8:48

There's one dude holding it down and no one's gonna be there.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Holding it down.

SPEAKER_05 8:51

Wow, wow.

SPEAKER_00 8:52

Yeah, whole town's gotta stuff. So like meth was like, you know, that was ever everybody is um is on meth around there. Um so like whenever I thought of like drug addicts, especially back then, I would think a lot of the time to like my friend's parents who were like that, who who were like just out of the house all the time, checking out angry, like like, you know, explosively angry.

SPEAKER_05 9:14

So you you've got your dad's house, and it kind of sounds like it was that safe haven. Like your stepmom, from what I've heard you previously talk about, she sounded like an amazing person. Like really, really good to your friends, too, kind of like that mom to everybody.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

My stepmom was like a saving grace. I remember like just being s whenever my I was like five years old, and I just remember being like relieved, like she was just a saving grace. It was like the first time I ever had a mom, a mother, like it was like somebody that was like worried about me eating food, and she was like saying prayers with me at night, and and uh like that's I was just telling my girlfriend this the other day. Like, I grew up, my my stepmom saying a prayer, my dad was so high all the time that every single night it was a it was a routine where we would say a prayer, Goodnight I love you, tell dad I love him, and that would come out of my mouth every night. Good night, I love you, tell dad I love him, because my dad would never come upstairs or he or he would never say I love you, he would never put us to bed, he would never say goodnight, you think he's he would be fucking all right in his room. And um, yeah, my stepmom was like a saving grace, you know, but she also had her struggles and still has her struggles. And like I say this all the time. I think the thing that messed me up the most as a kid growing up in in in that situation is that like I saw like my parents and even my stepmom who is an angel rely on okay, like I'm having this emotion, like I'm sad or I'm angry, or whatever this emotion is that's overtaking my body, they would always rely on alcohol and pills. And so, like You didn't see any coping never in a million years, and then also like you know, like I would never say this like a regular human. I you know, I'll say it on your podcast because this is like what we do, and and we're trying to speak out for people that are trying to find recovery and people that are trying to get better. But like, you know, my stepmom was an angel, and I would still see her like coming home, like I mean, unresponsive. Like you would you would be pushing her, hey my hey, hey, wake up, wake up because she would be unresponsive because she'd be on pills and alcohol. And like when you mix that, you're like these people they would be blacked out. My mom and dad, my stepmom and my dad would be blacked out like you can't even talk to them. They would be sitting they would be sitting right there just out, right? And like in the middle of conversation, fall asleep and stuff. And in although my mom my stepmom is an angel and she's amazing, and she's like better now, but she had her struggles too. Like they were, you know, they were getting really high, really drunk every single night. I remember me and my brother being like we would get like a pair of new shoes. We we had a I don't want to act like I had the worst because like my friends had it worse than me. But um we would get like a pair of new shoes for school and we would like want something else or whatever. It'd be like this big thing, we'd get a new pair of shoes, and we used to always be like, they would be like, we can't afford it, and we'd be like, dude, if you quit drinking, you could afford a lot of shit. Watching you spend eighty dollars a day on Jaeger.

SPEAKER_05 11:52

That's like a standard thing, it's like I don't have any money, man. You hustle when you want to.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

Yeah, exactly. And and like the the way that they were like, you know, getting drunk and stuff every single day. Yeah, it was just like ruining things, and then we had like no money and stuff. But but my mom my stepmom was an angel. But you know, if we're gonna keep it all out there and be real, she like struggled too. And that was tough to see like my parents rely on it for like their emotions instead of like I would have way rather grow up in a house where like if my dad was mad, he was like mad, or if he was sad, he was sad, or if he was happy, he was happy, and then he got drunk later on last next weekend or something.

SPEAKER_05 12:29

You were like yearning for an emotion, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Like it just never really happened.

SPEAKER_05 12:33

Did you kind of have to grow up? Were you at all like a caretaker, or was that a different sibling? Did you have older siblings?

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Yeah, I I did. I'm the baby, so I'm I'm Oh, you the baby of like five. Um, but uh my sister was like a mom to me for sure. But I think that like I have a brother, a stepbrother that is uh like six months older than me, and then the rest of our family is like eight years and older. So like we just I don't know, we just relied on each other. Like, like, and also like you know, my stepmom was like aware enough and like was good enough to where like we were eating every day. Yeah, you know, I mean we were eating cereal every day, but we were eating every day. Like we were, you know, we were in like in school, I was involved. I was I was I played quarterback, I was at practice, I was like, we were involved, and I was shout out to my stepmom. But I that is really big. But as far as like, you know, just it's it's it's hard because whenever I'm growing up, I I never see anything wrong with it. I loved it. I never had a curfew. I didn't have to make my bed, I didn't have chores and all my other homies had chores. I didn't have to come home. I didn't have to tell my parents where I was at. I didn't have to, I didn't have to like do anything. I I would go steal my dad's truck, you know, or just take it, not even steal, just take it because he's checked out in his room not even knowing. Like I didn't have rules. And so like growing up, I didn't we didn't think like, oh, this is so bad. It's just now that like I forget to pay my water bill because I never learned how to have to be in a I developed in a way where I didn't have to check up on stuff.

SPEAKER_05 13:58

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

And and I say this all the time to my nephews if my parents would have made me make my bed, like I'm I'm catching up right now. Like, I'm I'm catching up and trying to make myself have a routine right now as a 28-year-old, you know, dude that's like starting to like have a real career. I'm finally like getting up every morning and trying to make myself do the same thing for for 20 minutes. Yep. And because I don't know how to do that. And that's like that's just something that like I've realized, oh man, like and then and then also whenever I have emotion, like I want to get high, or whenever I have emotion, I want to get drunk. Or and that's any like with drinking, that's like, oh, celebration, I want to have a beer. Oh, I'm sad I want to have a beer. And then that's why as a 28-year-old, I'm starting to realize that's how it affected me. Yeah, you know, I have I have friends that never had a chance. I've got you know, a friend in prison right now that that never stood a chance. He he both his parents were really bad tweakers, they were never home, you know, they were abusive, you know, he was abused in in more ways than one, and then he, you know, turned 16 and he's taking care of his little sister, and then and then he's using drugs and he never stood a chance, and now he's 28 and he's in prison, he's gonna be there for a long time. And it's like I like my parents gave me a chance at least.

SPEAKER_04 15:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

You fast forward nine years or whatever, and it and it did end up like eating my dad alive and eventually killing him. He did die of an overdose. Um, but like I I don't there's people that like really that where I'm from that really, really never even stood a chance because like addiction runs so deep. And like if you grow up watching your parents be addicted or your best friend or your or just like somebody you look up to, you might you might think, I remember my mom telling me about her mom, she was like, I learned to be the best mom I could be because I didn't want to be anything like my parents. And it's like, yeah, I've said that my whole life, like I can't wait to be a dad because I'm gonna be nothing like my dad. And I hate I hate to say that because I love my dad, but it but it's like what I did what you don't realize is that it's the little habits that you build from from loving an addict or from being around an addict, and the things you take from them, and like how do they deal with things and and what are they doing and where are they going whenever they have like emotions, and that's like where it really affected me. It sucks because you grow up like the kid in your class that's like screaming and yelling and getting in trouble, and the kid that they're throwing in detention and the kid that they're not giving attention to because he's annoying is the kid whose parents are probably addicts, and that's the kid who like you're starting him off bad. Like almost every one of my friends and myself included, like got rode off by teachers and things like that because we were screaming, and and you never look at that kid and think, like, oh, I don't want this kid to grow up to be an addict. You you just think like, oh, why is this kid disrupting my class?

SPEAKER_05 16:28

Yeah, and sometimes I'm like, How did you not see that?

SPEAKER_00 16:30

Like, I was screaming, I wasn't necessarily screaming, help me, but I was being disruptive, and that was just straight sending my biology teacher songs and poems that I was writing. I'm like 16 years old about like just being abused and wanting to kill myself, and I'm literally in them being like, Please help me. And and my biology teacher is not even looking at me when I come to class, bro. Like, that's what I think about.

SPEAKER_02 16:56

If they're a mandatory reporter, one that's just technical. A million percent.

SPEAKER_00 17:00

But and I'm like legitimately, I wish I could go back into this email and see this. Because I remember like being like 18, 19 after graduating and like going back and looking at these and being like, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_05 17:10

If I would have done anything to myself at this point, would you have not felt like so like, bro, go check the home. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

If if after my brother killed himself, my parents felt so far off the deep end that like that's whenever it turned started to turn into like, okay, coming home, and like those two people in this house that have checked out. That's whenever I started to relate more to my friends whose parents were strung out not coming home and things like that. It's like that's whenever it was like really violent after my brother died. It was it got really bad. It got really, you know, there was a lot of blood, there was a lot more screaming, there was a lot more broken glass, there was a lot more drugs, there was a lot more alcohol after he passed away. So like I was fift fifteen, so like I grew up till fifteen of being, you know, whatever. And then afterwards is whenever it really kind of went off the deep end. I remember this one time in one of those poems. I'm like, me and my dad, I got into it. He like comes home hammered and he's like yelling at me because um I was like I don't remember what happened. Like, um, I was like wrestling with my stepmom one day. Like we used to do arm bars, like they we used to watch the UFC, it was like a thing in my house. We'd all get like wrestled around. My mom like hurt her wrist or something. My dad comes home hammered, you wanna hurt my wife? Like he like throws me in a bathtub, like whoops my ass, breaks my nose for the first time ever. And I remember like not doing anything but going straight to my laptop because the school gave us laptops for the first time and writing about it. Writing, writing, writing, and sending it to my common untell on you. Yeah, I remember going to school the next day and asking my biology teacher, Did you see it? Did you see the poem? Or CPS? She's like, Yeah, that's cool. They're cool. That was good. You yeah, that was good. Excuse me. I'm like 15 years old being like, yo, my dad just broke my nose in the bathtub and I act tough.

SPEAKER_05 18:49

And I'm like, You're like, should I send this to the English teacher?

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Yeah, what teacher needs to do? Wow. But like they didn't care, dude. And I but I think that's a thing. Whenever you don't grow up in violent households, or you don't grow up in with people that are addicts, you don't see that kid as uh some kid that's coming for help. You see him as like an annoying kid that's disrupting your class. And I think that's how like the system gets you messed up because you start off bad. A lot of those kids dropped out, like a lot of the kids I grew up with that I know they're they're home situations that were terrible and they ended up dropping out of school.

SPEAKER_05 19:18

And it's like that's just because they're not getting treated, like it just Yeah, and also I can't imagine what it would take somebody to get that out on paper and send that to somebody, like what it would have taken a 15-year-old boy to get out that and just say everything that happened, the feelings, what went down, and to send that off, like and to not be received with anything, but like I need to know more, I need to know how I can help you. I feel like that just shuts down like a okay, so like I'm good, like I just don't deserve to complain about this.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

Like it what I um in third grade, I had a teacher named Miss Rakstraw, Janet Rakstraw, she was like, God sent and she like saw what was going on at home, and that's back when all my parents were just kind of drunks and like it was violent as fuck. I mean, I grew up with like older brothers, so like obviously it's gonna be violent, but like my dad made it way worse. But I remember she got fired from our school because she like took me and my brother like under her wing. She would like take us home from school, she would like make us cookies, she would like on the weekends, she would like come over and like see what's going on. She would take us to like the dog shelter, she would like she would just take us under her wing and like get us away from our house. And and um the school came to her and was like, You cannot have relationships like that with the children, like you're fired. And you know what sucks about that is that I have 30 kids in my class, so like we all know each other, everybody knows everything about each other, and these teachers are not from like a lot of the time they're not from where we're from. They just come in from different cities, and so they don't even see or know this, you like what's going on. And yeah, she got fired, and and like they just like took that away from us. And like that was so bad. That that felt so rough because as soon as they like took her away from us, me and my brother like started like we were like in the house all the time, and we would like talk to her like whoa, this is like not like I can't believe that we don't like it's 1 a.m. and we're like five miles away from home, like smoking grapevine, and we're like nine years old. But dude, I'm doing that at like 2 a.m. somewhere gone. My parents have no idea where I'm at, and they don't even give a shit because they're hammered and you know on pills and shit. And like at the time, hell yeah, I used to think, why does why do all my friends, like all my sports friends' parents not let them come over?

SPEAKER_05 21:28

You have to be home for dinner, loser.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

Yeah, I used to think like, why can't you come over to my house to hang out? Like whenever I'd be like going to football practice, like these kids never hung out with us. The only kids that we would hang out with after school were the kids whose parents were awesome.

SPEAKER_04 21:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:39

And so like that was a weird thing of like kind of going to school and being like this kid that was like cool, and people think that you know things are all right, and we're like playing sports, and and then those kids weren't ever allowed to hang out with us, and we'd be like, Why the like we're not bad kids, why can't they hang out with? Yeah. Now as an adult though, I get it. They would be like, Oh, your parents are nowhere around.

SPEAKER_05 21:56

Yeah. So But growing up in it, it doesn't seem wrong. It almost even seems cool. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

It's like cool, it's like tight. I I whenever I was growing up, uh, one of my best friends had muscular dysphere, and he had two brothers that also had muscular dystrophy, and his parents struggled with addiction, and he's got a little sister and And we would be over there 10 deep for five days in a row. Like, and we would it would just be the coolest thing ever. But now I see like I mean, they're all R.I.P. to all of them. They're all passed away. All the all the boys are. Um, but he's got like a little sister, and I see like this family, you know, dichotomy that they got going on, or like this how they like mingle with each other, how it's like affected all of them as adults, or I see them like be 50 years old and act a certain type of way, and I think like, oh man, what a toxic way to grow up.

SPEAKER_05 22:42

Like, yeah, I feel like too, like when you're a kid and you're growing up and that, I don't if you're not allowed to be a kid when you're a kid at some point, you have to like let that out too. Sure. And not that it's like kid stuff, but like now you're doing the thing where like I'm like setting these things that like people had in their like early years, like making their bed. And like I mean, I'm still reminding myself to like brush my teeth every single day.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

Yeah. We're just like not eat terribly all the time. Or like whenever you grow up in a house to where you're like eating cereal, that's your that's your like you're like gonna have we're gonna have uh what's it called? Hamburger helper tonight. Yeah. But like if you want to eat before that, you're eating cereal.

SPEAKER_04 23:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:23

And like, and if you want to eat after that, you're eating cereal. And then tomorrow, like we might not have dinner, so like you're gonna eat cereal all day. Yeah. Growing up like that, growing up, it was cool. I was like, this is sweet. Watch what I can make. Like, why can't you? Like, I we just go in the pantry and have like a little bit of a what flavor cereal did you guys have last week? Yeah, and like in, but now I'm like, damn, yeah, it's hard for me to um give a f what I'm putting in my body.

SPEAKER_05 23:45

Yeah, because yeah, you're just doing girl dinners all night. 100%.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Yeah, for years.

SPEAKER_05 23:50

Yes. Um, so you had mentioned when your brother died, that's when everything really started to kick off.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 23:58

Um, are you able to talk about like how he died? What was the situation behind that?

SPEAKER_00 24:03

Yeah, so my brother was like, okay, so let me set it like my mom is still pretty strung out at this time. Um my dad is is on pills heavily, and and my brother is like one the only one that really knows, by the way. Like us as far as kids. Because he's like experienced my my brother Shalen, like had gotten high with him and stuff before. Okay. So and then also my brother Shalen was um, he didn't, and I didn't know until after he died, but um, whenever he was 16, he like found out my dad wasn't his real dad. Like all types of crazy, it almost felt like he was like he was like standing over here, it felt like a lot of the time. There's so many things about him that were like interesting and different that like we didn't really grasp at the time. But um, yeah, so my brother just had a newborn baby. The baby is like, you know, almost a year old at this point. Um he's like going, he was in a pretty toxic relationship, and like they were just kids. But um and uh, you know, so his girlfriend was and baby mama was like living with my aunt like in Kansas, and so we're in Missouri. And um my brother's like going through eye surgery, so like he's just going through a bunch of changes, and um he's also like strung out on pills and and and um getting drunk all the time. And so at this time he was um arguing with his baby mama, and I was at my friend's house. I just like I was like 15, so like I was hanging out with my friends, and he like uh calls me one morning, yo, blah blah blah blah blah, dad wants you to come home and do chores. I'm like, dude, it's Saturday or whatever. Like, I know you're lying. Like I knew he was going through things, but I didn't know he was like going through it right then and there. And then, you know, my mom's like strung out of the time. He goes out to my mom's house and like gets high. And um, and he like gets high out there with my mom and they like hang out. My mom doesn't think anything of it. She just thinks, like, okay, he's coming out here, this is like what we're gonna do.

SPEAKER_05 25:50

Did he normally go hang out with her?

SPEAKER_00 25:52

Yeah, all the time. So, like, me and my mom and my brother Shalen were like tight. But nobody else in my family really was with my mom because they just like seen this drug addict. I did because I was a baby, so like I just loved her because she's my mom. I'm fucking 10 years old. But everybody else was like, no, she's a drug addict. They didn't really fuck with her. But my brother Shaylin did because he was also addicted to drugs and he's 21. And um, yeah, he goes out there, he gets out with my mom. My mom doesn't think anything of it. She just thinks like, oh yeah, he's getting high, and like we're this is how we're getting it through our emotion today. He goes home, he freaks out, he goes to my dad's room, like I guess he was yelling and screaming. My dad was like, dude, take a walk, like whatever, get the fuck out of here. Because my dad's high and doesn't want to deal with it. And then um he calls me and I'm fucking 15, and I'm like, whatever, and I I but I felt like something was wrong, but I was like, no, I'm not coming home, but I felt like something was wrong. So about like 10 minutes later, I had my friend drive me home. Come home. Go inside to go to my dad's room, like, where's Shaylin at? Like he called me, he was pissed. My dad's like, oh, don't go outside, like he's he's pissed, and like you don't want to go out there, like he might like fight you or something. And I just knew in my head, I'm like, oh my fucking god, like I knew it. And I was like, you I told my dad, I was like, you idiot, like why in the f that's your son? I said, You fucking idiot, that's your son. And I ran outside. My brother like hung himself, he's in the garage. Like, I told this on another podcast, he was like, his hands were like in the roof like this, so like I assume he like probably regretted it or whatever. But I like couldn't get him down. I'm 15, I'm like trying to pick him up, I couldn't get him down. I like scream for my dad, I'm like, dad, dad, dad. He like comes out, he's like, What? He would never ever ever come to you. He would always just yell, what, what, like, what? What do you want? Or yeah, yeah. And I'm like, dad, dad, dad. He's like, what? And I'm screaming, like, get the fuck down here. And my mom, my stepmom's in like uh her ribs are broken, so she was in like a rib brace at the time. And I run up there, I'm like, Dad, and like come down here. He's like, tell me what, tell me, tell me. Ends up running down there. I mean, it that all probably lasted two seconds. In my mind, that lasted a year, but that that really probably lasted two seconds. He runs down there, boom. I remember him like you know, it felt like he punched. My brother hung himself with an extension cord. So if I don't know how he got him down, it really felt like he like punched through it. He like ripped it down. I don't know. He got my brother down. My stepmom's sitting there, I I we had a cord phone at the time, and it was right next to their bed, and I like called the police. And I'm like telling the cops, I'm like trying to tell them my brother just tried to kill himself, but my stepmom like doesn't know what's going on, and I didn't want to like say it. And so I'm like, my brother, like, he's outside. Uh like I and I couldn't get it out of me. And my mom was going, what, what, what? And finally, I'm just like, fuck, he tried to hang himself. He's out back. I I don't know if he's still alive or not.

SPEAKER_05 28:31

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SPEAKER_00 28:56

And then, like, our next door neighbors, some some like my best friends growing up were like my two next door neighbors. And this this dude's name's Hunter, and his dad's name's Dave. And his and his dad's a first responder. God bless his fucking soul. And um, I remember like I call the police and I'm like running outside, and I go out the front and I see Dave and his boxers, Hunter's dad running with defibulators across the street, and he's like, Where is he? Like he's in the back. So I follow Dave and Dave runs and he picks him up, and I remember like I put my brother's head on my like legs right. He's like, they're trying to beat him, his chest is coming up and stuff, they couldn't get him alive. So I'm like, okay, he's dead. I remember like putting his head right here, and I'm like so fucking pissed at him, and I'm like feeling his hair because he had like he had like kind of like an afro and it was like really thick. My nephew's got the same exact hair. But um, but I remember like just being so mad and feeling like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? Like, holy shit, and and it was all of our fault. And I and then like everybody was checked out, so like that what happened after that was like I went back inside, I had to call my sister and tell her, I had to call my brother and tell him, I had to call my mom and tell her, because everybody was checked out, and and like I'll never forget my mom coming and she had just gotten high with him, so she was like, What the fuck is going on? She like comes running in, like punching her knuckles, and her blood was like flying everywhere. And then I realized that she was like fucked up, and I thought to myself, oh, Shaylin was just with her, and the cops are coming here, so I'm like scared. I remember a week before he died, I'm at my friend Dakota's house, and it's like 2 a.m. and I'm feeling like something's wrong. And so I like went home at 2 a.m. and it's the craziest thing ever. My brother was like, I thought at the time he was drunk, he was like bobbing out like this on the couch, and I remember telling myself, tell him not to kill himself. But it was like my big strong older brother, like I never thought he would kill himself, so I just didn't say it. And then literally a week later, he killed himself. But now, you know, looking back, I realized that whenever he was all bobbing out, he was he was shooting up. Yeah, and it's like I had never seen that before, so I didn't really know how to deal with that. I thought he was just really, really drunk because I had seen my parents get really, really drunk and take pills and be like pretty you know, naughty out. Now, had I known that he was shooting up right there, I would have fucking like called the cops or got him help or something because you know I'm like 14-year-old kid. That would have freaked me the fuck out. But um, but yeah, dude, and and you know, and now knowing like looking back, I know that it all boils down to like he got high when he was feeling at his his his most intense feeling he's ever felt in his whole life, he decided to get high, and then you know, like he was like spiteful and probably angry, and then he wanted us all to be angry and he wanted us all to feel how he was feeling. And the only reason I say that is because his hands were on the rope, so it's like like you know, yeah, like I know for a damn fact that you did that so you could breathe, and then you just couldn't, and then his fingers just got caught, you know what I mean? And it's like I know for a fact you you just like acted off emotion, and instead of like dealing with it, you did exactly what our parents did our whole life and you got high as fuck, you know. And I'm I'm guilty of that too. I'm not like some perfect person that I don't know how to get through it still to this day. This this stuff helps me, talking about it like this helps me, but like when I'm feeling a super heavy emotion too, it's it's hard for me not to turn to to alcohol or drugs, you know. I'm I'm not by any means figured it out myself. So, but you know, just looking back, it's like, damn, it all kind of just boils down to getting high instead of like dealing with shit.

SPEAKER_04 32:09

And it becomes like this endless roller coaster of that's just how you deal with shit until you forget that you're using it to deal with shit, and it's just like that's life.

SPEAKER_00 32:18

Yeah. And also I think there's a thing that's not talked about enough. Like when you like grow up like this or you like or you're an actual addict, there is like a piece of you that like it's like the person across from you doesn't get it. And I don't care what you've been through, I don't care what you don't get it, and you and you will never get what it's like to be me. And I'm saying this for every addict, and like that needs to be addressed more. Like, there is a there is it is a human feeling to to want I want you to get it. Bad. And that and that hurts me sometimes. My manager, Juan, he's got a beautiful mind. He thinks so clearly, he's never turned to drugs ever. I don't think he's ever even used like a hard drug. He's he's like smoked weed like maybe once or twice. But whenever I'm you know going through what I'm going through, or whenever I'm struggling, whenever I'm turning to drugs, or whenever I'm turning to alcohol, and I look at him and he doesn't get it, or he tells me, yo, it's it's as easy as doing this, or he tells me, okay, hey, I get it, it is hard for you. There is a part of me that is self-destructive because I'm like, no, you don't get it, and I want you to get it bad. And I think of my brother, like he he killed himself, and and in my brain, you know, you'll never know the reasons why, but I I think that he wanted us to feel it. He was so mad, he's been telling us for so long. He'd been saying it for so long. I want to die, I want to kill myself. He's been saying it out loud. Like we had heard this come out of his mouth and not done anything about it. And and he was so angry, and every time he would get angry, it would turn into a fight because he just wanted somebody to get hurt. And it's like there's an emotional side of that to where, like, you know, that is self-destructive behavior where where it's like, no, you don't get it. And I don't care if you're a therapist, and I don't care if you've gone through this yourself, I don't care if you were on drugs for a hundred years and you got sober and and this is how you did it. I don't care because you don't get what it's like to be me. You know, and there is like that that part needs to be acknowledged because like that, you know, for me at least, that's like what keeps me and my bad cycles is because it's like, no, you don't get it. I remember thinking about my parents and being like, Why do you not just stop? How do you not see what's happening to us? Why can you not like my brother, Jamie? The one that is my stepbrother is like eight months older than me, was like an athletic freak. And he was like, you know, two like he would in was in the gym every day like this. He was massive, he was an athletic freak, he was the best at everything he ever did. And we used to always be like, dude, if you went to a big school or if you had parents that gave a fuck, you could go to college, bro. And we used to be like, why do you not just why can't you just see that or do it? And now, as an adult, that's the thing. I see it, it's like, oh, it wasn't even just that they, you know, didn't want to stop or whatever, but like they were hurt people. Yeah. Like that was like the only way they were like screaming for help, you know.

SPEAKER_05 34:51

Yeah, every time someone frustrates you and you're like, why can't you just like yeah, you have to resort back to like that exact same thing.

SPEAKER_00 34:57

But it sucks that we have to be like that because like people are so ignorant to that. Like, that's my whole thing, is like I'm a lot of the time in my life, like I'm I feel miserable because I'm so worried about what you are feeling. And it's like I live my whole life, these people making me feel like shit and not knowing it. And so, like, my whole goal in life is just to make sure that anybody that's looking at me or talking to me feels good or feels nice or feels like I'm cool. Yeah, and it's like, why do we have to be like that?

SPEAKER_05 35:23

But then my my I like tell my mom about this stuff. I'm like, why am I like a constant people pleaser? I feel like I have to mitigate and read emotions when I walk in a room and make sure that everyone's emotions maintain good, or else something could happen that I probably affect. She's like, nobody's thinking about you as much as you think they're thinking about you. Nobody thinks about you. And I was like, ouch, her.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

Yeah, yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bring that back. Hang on, hang on, mom. That's where I think you're wrong. Whoa, whoa, whoa, that is extremely worried. Where is this conversation going?

SPEAKER_05 35:50

I'm not the main character. Yeah, what? But that is it. We are the main characters in our own lives, so that's how we're gonna perceive things, and that'll fucking ruin your brain because then everything that happens, you're perceiving what other people are thinking without actually having the conversation. And then it fuels all the negative thoughts that you have, and you're like, that's definitely my fault. That's my fault, gotta fix that.

SPEAKER_00 36:09

Like, I just hate feeling bad so much that like I'm just worried that you're gonna feel bad. Yeah. And it's like, if, dude, like it is the perfect example, like kind of go where my career is and like kind of meeting people that are like celebrities, people that are like that I've thought were cool in my whole life, and then leaving that conversation. I will fucking like, dude, even my friends that are like my real friends by now, I will still be like, I said something stupid. And I think about that, like, like right now, if you were to say something that maybe you didn't like, I would like go out of my way to be like, You're so hilarious. Oh my god, later on, you better know how funny that was. Because I worry about like my you know, please don't be upset that you think that I would think. Yeah, you would never think that. Like, I think you're so funny. Like, you know, we have control issues.

SPEAKER_05 36:55

Yeah, I want to control people's brains and actions and emotions. Yeah. Can't help it. So after the death of your brother, it sounds like your parents were extremely affected. I mean, who would not be affected by that, but without like good coke. I mean, they had our yeah, so that kicks off an even worse addiction for your dad. Do you know how his pill addiction got started?

SPEAKER_00 37:15

Weed at first, like everybody where we're from was doing it as like a party drug. It's like the Coke of like, yeah, except maybe even more like Molly, because they talk about it like it's like, hoo-hoo, cool and fun. Like Coke still kind of got like a you're like, oh dude. But like they they would they would like all do meth and stuff. So like my dad did meth for a while, and then he got like sober from that. And I and I don't know because I never had this full conversation with him, but I remember my dad got a blood caught and they prescribed him Xanax. Gotcha, yeah. And so, and now and I was like 10 or 11 years old when that happened. And that is whenever I can remember in my head, he starts like really checking out more and all these things. So I think it started with that, but he also like had cancer twice, he had open heart surgery, he had like he had m mad blood caught a few different times, he had like all these things, surgeries and stuff like that. He was always prescribed pills, like always prescribed pills. Now, like also we grew up in a violent home. So whenever my brother died, we all handled it violently. Like it was like me and my dad. My dad was being like, motherfucker, you could have saved him, and I was being like, motherfucker, it's your fault. Like we were we were fucking spitting, screaming, fighting, like all of us for years over it. And and so like it wasn't easy for my dad. And and yeah, so like he basically that all happened, and then my mom and my stepdad got like they went off the deep end, and then here's what happened is that my my stepmom, you know, after a few years, she just had this like coming to God moment. She's like, I gotta be better. And so she's like, I don't think that she completely stopped, but she started only getting high at night, right? She stopped coming home black. Harm reduction, she was doing what she could, done. She was fucking and she was being a mom, and she was like, yo, I'm, you know, I got shit to do. Like, and so that happened, and my dad tried to get sober, I remember it, because we all lived together at the time, and then it didn't really work, and it was kind of cool because they brushed on the rug because my mom was still taking pills at night, and so my dad thought it was cool to be high all the time. We ended up moving out, they're fighting and bickering, and then like a few years before my dad died, they like were like, Okay, we're getting a divorce. And my dad was like fucked up on pills. I'll never forget like the first time I ever went to jail, I just had to stay the night. And I wake up the next morning and they're like, um, they're like, you can go or whatever. And I'm like, all right, but I call my dad and yo pops, can you come get me? He's like, but I waited at the jail for like an hour, two hours. And this is like I didn't know my dad was like strung out or nothing. And I'm like, he's not here. I'm like, okay, whatever.

SPEAKER_05 39:29

It's not sleepover, they're not making me breakfast in the morning, like, come get me.

SPEAKER_00 39:32

Yeah, and it's like a it's like a two-hour, like a 20 to 30 mile walk back home from this jail. So I'm like, fuck it, I'm gonna walk. And I'm walking home and I see my dad barreling down the industry. My dude. And he's like, pulls over and he and he goes, What kind of bird? Don't sing. And he's like, jail bird, motherfucker. And I get in the car and I'm like, Dad, where the fuck you been? And the very first thing he said to me is like, you know where I can get Xanax? And he's never said anything like that to me ever before. I had never even really known that he was on pill. I'm like 18, like moved out of my house. Don't really, I hadn't, I just thought he was a drunk at this time. I just I used to think that everything they did was just alcohol. And so, like, any uh way that they were acting, I would think like, oh, what alcohol makes you act like that? And um, then he asked me that, and I and I remember it made me cry. And then he started crying. And then we never even talked about me going to jail. Because that's why, and it was like, oh shit, he's like strung out. So him and my mom, my stepmom, they ended up like filing for a divorce. He like comes and lives with me for like six months. I'm like, can't fucking do this. Maybe it wasn't six months, a couple months. And I'm the baby. It used to piss me off so much because I'm like, why do I gotta do something? How do I get I'm 10 years younger than my brother? Like, I'm eight years younger than my sister. Like, girl, somebody do something. Damn it. I'm the baby. Is there an adult in the street? Yeah, and so he went and lived with my brother, and my brother's just like my dad. He's got terrible anxiety, and so my brother was basically like, You can't stay here. That pissed me off. I'm like, what the fuck? So my dad goes back to my stepmom, they try to get back together, it doesn't work, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Some personal things go on. My dad ends up being like, Oh, I gotta get out of here from whatever went on with him personally. And he's like, There's no way I can stay here anymore. That's a really good book. Um, that Rick Rubin movie. 10 out of 10. And um, anyways, he's like, I can't stay here anymore, so he moves into this little apartment. And the bad thing about my dad is that he was telling everybody, hey, I don't know how to take my meds. She's been giving me my meds for 20 years. I don't know how to take my meds. Can somebody help me? I don't know how to take my meds. I literally don't know what med to take at what time. Damn. I remember I got his phone, which I should have never fucking looked, but I got his phone whenever he died, and like, I mean, dude, this guy was begging everybody for help. I mean, begging everybody. He was posting on Facebook, can somebody come over and cause I because he's fat now and he's addicted to drugs and he can't move around, he's begging for help and he's living in this one-bedroom apartment. It's like a studio, nobody's helping him. And then I remember I seen my dad like the week before he died, and and I like, I like grabbed him like this on his shoulder. And if you ever see somebody that's like taking a lot of pills, their skin is like soft. And like you can press it and that indent will stay. Yeah. And I did that to his shoulder and I squeezed it, and I remember being like, Dad, what the fuck? I said that to him, like, what the fuck, dude? Yeah, you're you're gonna die. And and he's smoking cigarettes, and I'm like, what the fuck? You he hadn't smoked cigarettes for 10 years because he had double bypass surgery. I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, I want to die. And I remember going and I'm so angry and I'm I'm crying, I'm so mad, I'm so tired of being the backbone of my family. I'm tired of everything relying on me and everybody coming to me for anything. And I remember calling my brother and my sister and putting them on the same phone and being like, You fucking guys are 40. Figure it out. Our dad is dying. He needs help, he needs to be put in rehab, he's dying. You guys are 40 years old. Figure it out. I'm tired of fucking doing this. I'm 25. Like, like, I'm tired of being the one that figures it out and does this, and he died four days later.

SPEAKER_04 42:40

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 42:40

And they didn't do shit. And my brother says that he, and it's not their fault, it's nobody's fault. But he they text him or whatever. He, my dad didn't want help, obviously. It's like, go fucking put him in handcuffs and make him go get hell. But anyways, they didn't do shit, and he fucking dies four days later. And and then, you know, I'm stuck with the guilt, and like it's like they're so good at just acting like nothing happened. It's like, dude, imagine this. I find my brother hanging, and then my dad's the first one, and we went, we experienced that together. We never talked about it once. Never one time. It was like 11 years of of and never one time. And I had brought it up. I remember this one time, especially. I brought it up, and my dad like smacked me on the back of the head like jokingly, like, stop, I can't talk. And he he would literally like not be able to speak. He'd be like, ah, what are you doing? But we never talked about it once. And then my brother's the same exact fucking way, dude. Like, like, you know what I mean? He heard it.

SPEAKER_04 43:29

Don't want to touch an emotion. We're not gonna be able to do it.

SPEAKER_00 43:31

Not even touching, don't even want to fucking look at it. Don't even want to, and it's like, dude, it these things that it just sucks because I'm the baby, and like it, I'm I mean, it's not poor me, it's poor all of us. My sister is such a superhero, she's like raising two kids by herself and all these things, and like, and like I'm like, this shit is like killing me. I'm like drowning from this every day. Like, I I I wake up, it's the first thing I think about. I go to bed, it's the last thing I think about. I'm like, anytime I do anything, I'm thinking about it, and it and it and it's killing me. And it's like I look at my sister, I'm like, how are you so good? She's like, she went through everything I went through, except she's like amazing, and she's like raising these kids.

SPEAKER_05 44:06

Your family really has a hard time with emotion, with feeling, with expressing anything without like. Like I I'm gonna kill that right away with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You on the other hand literally took some of the most difficult things that anybody could ever experience and created art with it by expressing yourself.

SPEAKER_00 44:27

Dude, it like it killed my brother and it killed my dad, and I'm exactly like them. I am like I'm I'm we might have I mean we're the same exact people and it's like I just have to do something different. It's it's you know, it's I don't know if it makes it harder though, too, because it's like yeah, like I sing about it all the time. This is what I write about. This is like all I know how to do to get through something is to write about it. I tell you about the time when my dad breaks my nose and I immediately go to my laptop and stop and start writing. Because like all I know how to do is write about it, and it killed them. And it's like I'm not like Stevie and Cameron and and my stepmom and my stepbrothers. Like, I'm not like them. I can't just keep going. It's like if I don't do something, it's gonna kill me. And it's like this is I don't know if this makes it worse or makes it better, because I talk about it all the time. Nah. Every time a camera's on, we're talking about my dad and my brother. Anytime, you know, we're talking about the things I go through. Anytime I'm like writing a song or a fan comes up to me, they'll be like, hey, what's up? My brother just killed himself too. And I I might be eating lunch and and having a good day and watching the Green Bay Packers game. Go back. And um, and I might be having a good day, and then all of a sudden somebody's gonna come up to me and they're gonna remind me how I found my brother hanging by a fucking cord, and I all of a sudden all I'm thinking about is my brother's hands on the cord. And did he mean to kill himself or did he not? Or did he want me to find him? Did he, did he do that, this whole elaborate stuff because he thought I was gonna pull up and find him right before he did it? And then everybody was gonna finally understand that, okay, he's serious, and then like what? And then I'm stuck with those questions, and it's like, I don't know if it makes it better or worse.

SPEAKER_05 45:56

There won't, there probably won't be an answer for that. Does it make it better? Does it make it worse? It might later down the line, you'll be like, actually, I I don't like talking about this anymore.

SPEAKER_00 46:04

Yeah, woo. I'm like, that happened.

SPEAKER_05 46:06

Yeah, but like while you're still trying to assess it now, just like know that it's helping a lot of other people.

SPEAKER_01 46:12

For sure.

SPEAKER_05 46:12

And it's helping people not feel alone and untethered and isolated, and that like, oh, nobody fucking gets me. Like you, you get it. Like you've been through some shit. You've been through stuff that other people are holding inside that are like, I can't open up because nobody else can relate to knowing what it's like walking into that.

SPEAKER_00 46:31

Yeah, like nobody gives a shit. That's the hardest thing, is that like the world keeps going? Yeah, like in this, in this room right here, and and right now, it's like we give a shit. It's like you could tell me anything, and I'm like gonna I give a fuck. And and same with you.

SPEAKER_05 46:43

Okay, so like what was it, what was that like for you coming using not like using this experience, but expressing yourself, creating this song and having it kind of blow up.

SPEAKER_00 46:54

I'd rather overdose.

SPEAKER_05 46:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:57

It's a beautiful song. That's that's it's incredible.

SPEAKER_00 47:00

Yeah, that you know, it's so crazy because like I think what that song did is that it just clearly showed a lot of people that are in addiction or a lot of people that have dealt with it, it showed them like the what this does to a human. Yeah, and so I think that's why people turn it into like, oh, I want to get sober song, or this is so a lot of people come to me and be like, like, there's this one guy that that was like crying, couldn't even talk. I'm like, what? And he's like, Why are you drinking that beer, dude? Are you are you relapsing? And I'm like, wait, are you under the impression that I've gotten sober before? Like, I'm speaking about struggling, getting sober. I haven't I haven't done it yet. I'm still drinking beer and stuff. Like, I I'm and you're under that impression because of what you took from the song, because it turned into this get sober anthem because people saw how my dad's addictions and things affected me. And I think also like with that song, I got lucky because people knew me as a personality already. So, like, I already had like followers from telling jokes and stuff. And so whenever I was like, yo, my dad is like my best friend and he just died, I gotta take a break from the internet. I think people saw as like a human being and they're like, oh shit. And then whenever I came out and was like, yo, this is a song called I'd rather overdose. I I really wrote that song about being like, I want to overdose because I can't be without you. How you just overdosed and killed yourself because you were going through this divorce with my stepmom and it was so heavy on you that you just relied on drugs and it ended up killing you. I was writing that down being like, I feel the same way, Pop. Like, yeah, I want to now I want to die because you did that. And like, how could how dare you do that to me? Like, after everything me and you have been through together, how fucking dare you do that to me? And I wrote that song being like, fuck you, dad. Like, now I want to do that. And and I showed the internet, and and the internet took it and was like, yo, nah, this is like a song of like, look at what being addicted to drugs does to a person and look at what it does to people that love them. And and they took that song and they were like, This is inspiration, and this is like this is something that we can hang on to. This is like every addict, 90, this is that here's the other thing. This is why I get irritated on my pops too, is because he grew up in a good home. He stripped that from me. I don't I never had grandparents, and my mom had grew up in a good home. And I never had grandparents because they were bad kids and they were on drugs and they didn't fuck with their parents. And so I never had grandparents, and so I get irritated because I'm a first generation bad, like, like if if if they weren't doing that, I would be in a in generations of good family, generations and generations of families that get together on Christmas. But I got stripped of that because my parents were on drugs, and I get mad at my dad because like most addicts are come from addicts, and most addicts like like it starts young and it starts, you know, it's it's not just it's not just being addicted to drugs. It's being put in the corner on your third grade class because you're acting out and it's feeling different. And it's and it's these people, human beings, making you different because they see you being a little different and they make you that, and then it starts, and then you go, and it's every day. I used to go, dude, I didn't smoke weed till I was 19. All my friends smoked weed. I went every day of my life of everybody being like, you smoke weed. You can't hang out with my kids because you smoke weed. And I never smoked weed, and I didn't, it made me sick, so like I never did it. And and I remember being like, I might as well smoke weed. I get treated everywhere I go, like I smoke weed when I'm when I'm just a kid. Like, I might as well. And and that's not what made me start smoking weed, but I know that goes through people's heads. It's like, oh, I'm getting treated like trash, I'm getting treated like this, anyways. I see my parents, yeah. I don't want to be like my parents, but the sit the school's making me.

SPEAKER_05 50:12

And you're never like yeah, you're never gonna not make me feel that way. So what's the point?

SPEAKER_00 50:15

Yeah, and so it just like starts, you know, it starts young and people just push you there. Like, I don't know, man. Everybody's gotta do better. We all gotta do better for each other.

SPEAKER_05 50:23

100%.

SPEAKER_00 50:23

I think teachers hold so much power that they don't realize.

SPEAKER_05 50:27

I completely some of the most impactful things that have helped me in my life or things that teachers did, and some of the most hurtful things that I remember are also some things that teachers did. How did you get started with uh broke boyfriend?

SPEAKER_02 50:40

I'm interested because it is hilarious.

SPEAKER_00 50:42

Yeah, my mom being on drugs in my whole life, she always had broke boyfriends.

SPEAKER_05 50:46

Yeah, it kind of I feel it kind of stems from uh your relationships or just viewing like shitty boyfriends from mom or sister or something.

SPEAKER_00 50:52

Yeah. And then my sister, um, like the real the real reason I made the first one is because I was making fun of my sister's baby daddy. Um because I just heard a wild story about him asking her for money, and then he would like literally do the broke boyfriend hug to her, like at like family get togethers.

SPEAKER_04 51:07

You're like, that's ironic.

SPEAKER_00 51:08

Yeah, yeah. Oh god, but yeah, flying too close to the sun. Making fun of them. But I I also like just got worried one time that, like, oh, if you make minute-long videos, you get paid. And it's like the first broke boyfriend video I made, like, made me like a thousand dollars or something wild. Oh, we like that. Oh god.

SPEAKER_05 51:24

Yeah. So you do hilarious broke boyfriend videos, but then and then your dad passes, and that's when you have to take a break. You've got music that comes out, blows up. Yeah. That's a lot.

SPEAKER_00 51:38

I was like um putting my music before my dad died. I would like put him in my broke boyfriend skits, and I would like promote it by like I had like 40,000 monthly listeners, and I like that. I was fucking thinking, I was like, yo, this is that is huge. So like I was like kind of promoting. As he twiddles his hair.

SPEAKER_02 51:52

I'd like 40,000 monthly, though.

SPEAKER_00 51:53

It's really no big deal. Uh 2 million now, I think. 2.3.

SPEAKER_02 51:56

Oh my god. Did you Google it or not? Oh my god. I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_00 51:59

But um, yeah, so when you get giddy, you're playing with your. I know, my bad. Humble brag, doop. Yeah, no big deal. Um what the fuck were we saying?

SPEAKER_05 52:09

We were talking about you blowing up on the charts.

SPEAKER_00 52:12

Blowing up on the charts. Oh, I was saying, like, I promoted my music, and then yeah, my dad died, and it was like, I had to take a real break. And then, yeah, like I wrote overdose. I remember singing overdose, like some of my friends, they didn't really fuck with it. They're like, nah, you got some other songs that like are better or whatever. And I and then so I had it for like literally three or four months without anybody ever hearing.

SPEAKER_05 52:32

It's a different style than previously because you were putting out music like every one song a week for like a solid like years, two years.

SPEAKER_00 52:40

Yeah. Wow.

SPEAKER_05 52:41

Wow, more lot more than that.

SPEAKER_00 52:42

Yeah. Like hella songs, like 400 or something. But yeah, I uh and I was doing like rap music at first, but yeah, I was transitioning to like more guitars and stuff, and I was like, you know, like Grass Steeds Mode came out before I'd rather overdo, so that's like you know, acoustic guitar. I was there was I was transitioning into that, but I just didn't think people liked it. And then there was literally a time where I hadn't wrote for a minute because I was like struggling, yeah, trying not to kill myself. And I was I hadn't made a video for a minute because I was struggling, trying not to kill myself, and I just got online and I was like, look, this is a song of what I'm going through. This is the only way I'm gonna show you guys. Please stick with me through through this. I I promise I'm gonna be funny again. I was saying that every video. I promise I'm gonna be funny again. Just please stick with me, bro. And then I showed him that song, and and like, yeah, my my fans are just so like it's so it's like they see me and they like feel it, and they like they just got me, dude. And they just like took that song and and they were like they showed everybody and they just took it to where it is now, and still to this day, dude, like my fans like they got me in in a wild way. I would have never ever seen ever before in in anything. Like the other day, I'm getting all in my feelings and getting all mad because like um our song Crash First is supposed to like premiere on the radio and all these things, and like I was getting all in my feelings, and I'm like, why why are people like not playing this on the radio? Like, it's people love it. Like, the people deserve to hear this.

SPEAKER_04 53:58

I don't have a radio.

SPEAKER_00 54:00

But I was like mad at the radio station, and I and I get online and I'm like, hey, call your local radio station and tell them. And then like 10 minutes later, there's like a video of this guy that's working at a radio station. He's like, dude, everybody keeps calling it.

SPEAKER_03 54:14

That's so cool. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_00 54:15

Like, honest Dave and MGK, what the hell? Like, I'm gonna play this song. What the fuck? And it's because my fans like are out of the side. Oh, they just like they yeah, they're so sick.

SPEAKER_05 54:22

Oh my gosh, this has been awesome. Thank you so much for coming here. Thank you so much for sharing your story. This is this is what happened.

SPEAKER_00 54:31

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_05 54:32

Um, this has been amazing. I can't wait to see what is in store for you next. This is gonna be great.

SPEAKER_00 54:37

Yeah, thanks. You guys get sober.

SPEAKER_05 54:39

Yes, and you're going on tour and you'll be back in Madison September 14th. Valentine's Day.

SPEAKER_00 54:45

Uh yeah, September 14th.

SPEAKER_05 54:47

Uh, so if you're in Madison, check out that show. Yes, go check out.

SPEAKER_00 54:52

It's not gonna be that serious. It won't be as serious.

SPEAKER_05 54:54

Let's make it serious.

SPEAKER_00 54:55

Actually, dude, that my shows it kind of gets weird sometimes because as soon as the song starts, I normally start talking and it'll get dead quiet.

SPEAKER_05 55:01

Uh-huh. Because people that we're here for this.

SPEAKER_00 55:02

Yeah, and I'm like, hey man, if y'all pull up, do some weird, bring somebody that's gonna be loud the whole time.

SPEAKER_05 55:07

Yeah, bring a weirdo like me. Yeah. Okay, so we'll see you in September. Where what are your where can people follow you? What are your socials?

SPEAKER_00 55:16

Follow me online, hit me on Twitter on the line. I don't know what my it's like honest Dave 97. Yeah. Yeah, hit me up on the 90s. Once you type in honest Abe, the broke boyfriend, Google him.

SPEAKER_05 55:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:25

Honest Abe, sweet American boy.

SPEAKER_05 55:27

And thank you all for joining us. We'll catch you next time on Recovery Cast.

SPEAKER_00 55:31

Bow Bow.

SPEAKER_05 55:32

Ow, bow, pow, powers.